Karma's Just a Five-Letter Word
A "Yes, definitely need to get out more" Real Ghostbusters fanfic
By Dommi-chan
This is the sequel to "Concepts of the Misinformed." To catch you up to date, Ray and Winston think they have a revelation concerning their two friends and coworkers. Boy are they asking for it. Oh and hey look guys, Janine's in this one because I decided to not be lazy. Like, go me. (For the record, I love Janine, especially bad-accent nosy Janine. ^_~) Still rated PG-13/light R for…well, you'll see for yourselves. Not slash, not really anyways. Frankly were I in Peter or Egon's place…well, let's say certain people would definitely be smited.
Our boys and their secretary still belong to Columbia and DiC. "Happy Together" is property of The Turtles, "If I Were Your Woman" is property of Gladys Knight and the Pips, "I Only Have Eyes for You" is property of The Flamingoes. For the intents and purposes of this story, Janine never had a thing for Egon…yeah you read that right. My fic, my rules, capice?
This is dedicated to everyone who firmly believes, like Ray said last time, that "eavesdroppers (should) go to hell." ^_~
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"People are talking, talkin' 'bout people,
I hear them whisper, you won't believe it.
They think we're lovers, kept under covers.
I just ignore it, but they keep saying….
Let's give them something to talk about,
A little mystery to figure out.
Let's give them something to talk about…
How about love, love, love?"
~Bonnie Raitt, "Something to Talk About"
Peter Venkman was many things: psychologist, entrepreneur, celebrity, Don Juan, scientist, and visionary.
"Me and you, you and me! No matter how you toss the dice, it has to be! The only one for me is you…and you for me! So happy togetherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"
Morning person is not anywhere on that list.
Yet somehow on this Friday morning, he was up before Egon, before Janine had even arrived to begin her shift, and was busying himself making pancakes, singing at the top of his lungs.
If Peter being up early is scary, him also cooking for everyone as he sings happily is downright frightening.
"I can't see me lovin' nobody but you for all my life! When you're with me, baby, the skies will be blue for all my life!"
A door slamming from below heralded Janine's arrival. He could hear Winston and Ray talking to her about something. He ladled out more pancakes onto the griddle and placed some bacon into the microwave.
"Me and you, you and me! No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be! The only one for me is you, and you for me! So happy togetherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"
"Must you be so earsplitting in the morning? There are people who were attempting to get some rest." Peter turned to the doorway, where he was greeted by the sight of an unshaven, bed-headed, still-pajama-wearing Egon.
"Why, good morning to you too, sweetheart. Breakfast will be done soon, so just make yourself comfy and try to not be so grumpy, hmmm?" He set down a steaming cup of coffee in Egon's favourite "I 3 Heidelberg" mug. The bespectacled man started heaping sugar into the hot affricated beverage. Peter was sipping his own coffee as he set out plates of pancakes and bacon and sat down next to Egon. The voices grew louder from downstairs and there was a sudden shriek. Green eyes met blue in a moment of panic.
"No, Janine…no don't----!" That was Winston.
"Janine wait----!" That was Ray.
There was a moment of silence before the sound of a person barreling up the stairs.
"The hell?"
"Your conjecture is as good as mine, Peter."
There were the sounds of more running, until the redheaded blur that is Janine Melnitz skidded into the kitchen, an intense look of glee on her face.
"OH MY GAWD!! I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU TWO! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!" She grabbed Egon and planted a kiss on him, then did the same for Peter. Egon sat there in disbelief while Peter rubbed the lipstick off his cheek.
"Melnitz, what the hell are you doing?"
"Congratulating two of my boys of course! After all this time--it's so hard to believe!" Not only was she beaming, but she was shrill. And she had this really weird look on her face.
"Janine, perhaps you could enlighten us as to exactly why you are so enthusiastic this morning. And also why do you keep saying you can't believe something? I am well aware that Peter being helpful is a rare occurrence, but I'd hardly say it warrants this."
The redhead sat in a chair facing the two men, gleam in her eyes and bright smile toned down a notch. If her friends wanted to be modest in their happiness, she wouldn't stop them. Egon was blowing on his coffee and Peter was taking a sip of his own.
"Why, I'm talking about the two of you being in love! What else would I mean?"
The coffee Peter had been drinking got spit across the kitchen. Egon froze in his seat, eyes wide. Peter started hacking. Egon started pounding Peter on the back without changing his expression.
"I must apologize Janine, for I believe I have misheard you. Did you just say that Peter and I are in love?"
"I sure did!"
"And by in love, you mean…with each other, I am assuming?"
"Of course! Who else is there? I always knew that there was something between you guys. I mean you two fit each other so well…."
"Melnitz…." Peter had recovered enough to talk.
"And you're so cute together, with the light and dark hair thing going! You get each others' jokes and that's really important too!"
"Melnitz."
"Oh this is going to be such a great day! I'm just so happy for both of you! You both deserve someone that can make ya happy, ya know?"
"Janine!" Peter using her given name shocked her enough to stop talking.
"Yes, Dr. V?"
"What on God's green Earth gave you the idea that Spengs and I are an item?"
Janine blinked. "Ray and Winston, they were telling me that they heard you two last night in the lab. Then they said how you---" She pointed at Peter. "---were up EARLY and singing some love song or other and that it could only mean that you two were…."
Egon had actually taken off his glasses and was rubbing his eyes. Peter had gotten a very irate look on his face.
"Janine…we were putting together a desk in the lab last night. I don't know what those morons thought they heard but…." He shook his head. "On second thought, I have a good idea of what they thought they heard. And can I just say that I didn't realize 'pervert' went with our job? 'Cause I didn't."
Janine was thoughtful. "Well, they did say that they had been eavesdropping. They probably heard you guys through the door, and made a couple assumptions."
"A couple?!" Peter thought for a moment. "Although, this sure as shit explains the way they were acting last night at dinner…."
"We shall simply have to go down there and set the record straight…um…you know what I mean." Egon coughed as he noticed the double meaning behind his words.
"No way."
"Pardon?"
"No way. They are not getting out of this as easily as us going 'hey guys you misheard everything.' I mean you'd think by now they know us well enough to just ask. Or you know to not eavesdrop on us. No, no…we are not letting them get away with this."
Janine looked at Peter. Not only was he wearing "Venkman's shit-eating grin," but there was a very lethal look in his eyes. Egon was eyeing him warily.
"What are you proposing?"
"I propose that we give them what they're asking for. They think we're a couple, so let's act like a couple."
Egon raised an eyebrow. "I've always thought you were insane...I do believe you have just given me proof of such an affliction."
"Aw come on, Spengs. I'm not saying we have to do the nasty in front of them or something. I'm just saying pet names, doting, sickening conversations, that kinda crap." He winked at Janine. "With a little assistance from Miss Melnitz here, we can simply play pretend for a while and then make them look like idiots. It'll be fun! Whaddaya say big guy? Can't do this without you." The grin had been toned down from "shit-eating" to "charming and convincing."
Janine giggled. This could really be fun. "He's got a point, Egon. This'd be a good way to put them in their place about the eavesdropping. Plus they're so convinced of it, I doubt they'd listen if you denied it. I won't let them in on it, cross my heart." She took the index finger from her right hand and made an 'X' approximately where her heart was.
Peter looked at his friend imploringly. "Think of it as an experiment in human behaviour. A chance to explore the typical human conditioning of reacting to something that they believe in."
Egon sighed. "Why do I suddenly feel as though no good could possibly come of this?" He pushed his glasses back to the bridge of his nose. "All right, I will participate. Only on the condition that if I think things are getting out of hand, we shall cease."
"You got it, Spengs! Although I should probably start calling you 'pookie' now, shouldn't I?" A frown was the only reply he received. "Okay, 'babycakes' it is!" Before Egon could reply, Winston and Ray walked into the room, apprehensive looks on their faces.
"Um…good morning…Peter. Egon." Ray grabbed a mug and poured himself some coffee. "Wow! Pancakes and bacon! Peter you made all of this for us?" Forgetting his discomfort in the wake of breakfast, he loaded his plate and started pouring syrup on everything.
Peter looked sidelong at Egon. It was now or never. He causally slung an arm around Egon's shoulders. Egon tensed for a moment before remembering the joke, then allowed himself to relax, putting a slight smile on his face. Janine grinned, trying not to laugh. Winston's eyes widened a bit, then he sat down and loaded his own plate.
"So um…is there…something you want to tell us?" Winston inwardly winced. That was arguably the least casual sentence uttered in the history of the English language.
"Well, there is one tiny thing." Venkman Standard Grin Number 15. "Just the simple fact that I am absolutely, one-hundred-percent, head-over-heels for this man here." Peter gazed at Egon with shining eyes. Egon fidgeted a bit, a faint blush covering his face.
"Peter…I hardly think that our friends care to hear this over the breakfast table."
"Nonsense! They're happy for us, babe! Right, guys?" Ray stopped with a fork of pancake halfway to his mouth.
"Um…sure we are. Right, Winston?" Winston blinked.
"Of course. It's just a bit…unexpected." A bit. Rather like saying the Challenger was just a little explosion. Or Watergate was just a tiny press leak.
Egon and Peter were looking at each other, with a grin on Peter's face and a smile on Egon's.
"True love always is!"
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The rest of the day went on like all of the days before. There were busts, scheduled and emergency. There was lots of driving around various parts of Manhattan. And there was Winston blasting the oldies stations.
There were also new things, like Peter holding doors open for Egon. And when Peter would get hurt or slimed, Egon immediately fussing over him. When partnered up together, Peter would flirt and Egon would actually allow it, occasionally making comments that passed for flirting back from him. When partnered with Winston or Ray, they'd talk almost exclusively about each other.
Winston was experiencing the latter as they wandered through an old brownstone in TriBeca, as he had been partnered with Peter for this particular assignment.
"And then he does this cute thing when the PKE meter goes all wonky…it's like he---"
An annoyed sigh. "Pete. Please. Can you try to concentrate? We're sort-of on the job here."
"What? Oh sorry. It's just…I'm so lucky! I just want to share my happiness!"
"That's…great. We can share when we're off the clock, okay?"
Before Peter could reply, a trio of goopers flew out from behind a closet door and slimed him. Winston turned on his thrower and threw the trap, catching their prey. Peter sat on the floor in a red-ectoplasmic daze. Winston just shook his head ruefully, then gave Peter a hand up.
"Am I a slime magnet?! It's always me! ME! Why don't any of you ever get it?!"
"One of the great mysteries of the universe, Pete." He turned on his collar microphone. "Yo Ray, Egon. We got 'em. Mission accomplished."
A crackle of static. "How is Peter? Is he all right?" Winston had to fight to keep from groaning.
"Yes, Egon, he's fine. Just covered in slime like always."
"Thank goodness. We will be joining you shortly." Winston rolled his eyes. Peter was hastily brushing the slime off his face. Ray and Egon entered the room then, Egon bee-lining for Peter and Ray walking to Winston.
"You know Winston, I never though I'd say this but…Egon's much better company when all he cares about is his PKE meter. He was driving me nuts!"
The black man sighed. "No kidding. I was a few seconds from strangling Pete just now. Thank God for those goopers." He looked to the corner were Egon was dusting slime off Peter with a good natured smile on his face. The two were talking softly. "C'mon, let's go settle the bill…I don't see Pete doing it anytime soon."
The second they left the room, Peter burst out laughing. "I can't believe they're buying this! It's way too easy!"
Egon smirked. "I concur. I had expected Raymond to accept our claims with no resistance…I am surprised at Winston accepting this so readily. It is truly fascinating what people will believe if you tell them."
Over the taller man's shoulders he could see their partners coming back. Peter turned his smile from "incredibly amused" to "goofy and happy." "You got that right, babe! Let's head home." He ran ahead of the physicist, pausing only to smack his ass, and into Ecto.
Egon blinked forty or fifty times. He also made a note to kill Peter when this was over.
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Fridays at Ghostbusters Central meant several things. Egon's turn for trap duty. Winston's to run out for dinner (Indian food). This time, instead of usurping the shower, Peter went down to the basement to help with the traps. This left Ray alone with Janine on the main floor of the firehouse. He walked over and took a seat on the corner of her desk. The secretary looked up from filing her nails and smiled.
"Something I can help ya with, Ray?"
He fidgeted. "Janine…do you...ah…what do you think of this whole…Peter and Egon thing?"
She had to fight to keep from laughing. "Why, Ray, I think it's wonderful! They're cute together and they look really happy!"
"Yeah, it's…it's great. Um…they're rather clingy with each other aren't they, though? I mean…they…they're sure wrapped up in each other aren't they?"
She furrowed her brow. "Ray, it sounds almost like you're not happy for them at all."
"No! No that isn't it…it's just…they…they're kinda…mushy."
"I think it's sweet. They're still new to this after all. Give it a little time, they'll cool down I'm sure."
Ray pondered. "You're probably right. I'm just being silly."
Just then, soul music came blaring up from the basement. Ray stared at Janine, who just shrugged.
"She tears you down darlin', says you're nothing at all…but I'll pick you up darlin' when she lets you fall. You're like a diamond and she treats you like glass, yet you make it hard to love you, but babe, don't ask…. If I were your woman, if I were your woman, if I were your woman, here's what I'd do: I'd never, never gonna stop lovin' you…."
Ray blinked. "When did we bust Gladys?" He and Janine ran over to the stairwell, confusion on both their faces. They opened the door and quietly peered in, Ray freezing in disbelief and Janine trying desperately not to crack up at the sight they were presented with.
Dr. Peter Venkman and Dr. Egon Spengler dancing by the Containment Unit.
"Life is so crazy, and love is unkind; because she came first, darlin', will she hang on your mind? You're a part of me, and you don't even know it: I'm what you need, but I'm too afraid to show it! If I were your woman, if I were your woman, if I were your woman, here's what I'd do: I'd never, no, no, no stop lovin' you---"
Apparently, Egon was leading. Which makes sense as he was the taller of the two. He spun Peter around a few times, then pulled him back close. They were just swaying back and forth now. The station switched from soul to a love ballad and the pair kept dancing.
"Guys? Janine? I'm back with the food. Guys?" Winston slowly made his way down the stairs, paper bags full of food. "What's going----"
"SHHH! You're ruining the moment!" Janine was starry-eyed.
"My love must be a kind of blind love…I can't see anyone but you. And dear, I wonder if you find love an optical illusion, too?"
Winston blinked at the admonishment, then saw what she meant. Peter was leading now. What none of them could see was Peter winking at Egon, and Egon attempting not to laugh. They were swirling around the basement in circles now, doing showy Fred-and-Ginger-type moves.
"Spengs, who knew you had it in you? This is easily one of your better ideas!" Peter whispered to his partner.
"Are the stars out tonight? I don't know if it's cloudy or bright…I only have eyes for you, dear! The moon may be high, but I can't see a thing in the sky…because I only have eyes for you!"
Egon smiled. "Thank you, Peter. I think." A pause while he was twirled again. "I'm a bit concerned, however, that should we keep this up, they will start to see our 'relationship' for the charade it is."
"Nah, no way. Far as they know we're just at the 'shiny and new' stage. If a month goes on they might wonder, not that I think we'll have to keep this up for that long."
"I don't know if we're in a garden or on a crowded avenue. You are here, and so am I: maybe millions of people go by, but they all disappear from view. And I only have eyes for you…."
The song was almost over. Time to go in for the kill.
A deep breath. "Desperate times, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I hope you'll still respect me in the morning."
"What are you pla--ack!" Egon was cut off by the psychologist abruptly dipping him backwards. Peter winked down at his "boyfriend."
"Here's lookin' at you, kid." He subtly covered Egon's mouth with his hand and put his face right up on it.
To the three observers it looked as though their two coworkers were in engaged in some hardcore
smooching. In reality, Peter was getting a cramp in his leg and having problems breathing, while Egon was fighting his instinctive reaction to shove Peter off and proceed to turn a particle thrower on him.
Ray backed up the stairs, muttering something about Hell and eavesdroppers. Winston wasn't too far behind. And Janine….
"You two can come up for air now. They're upstairs."
"Finally!" Peter dropped Egon unceremoniously on the ground. "I was about to slip into unconsciousness." He then realized that he had dropped his friend, who was laying in a dazed heap on the floor. "Whoops, sorry Spengs." He reached a hand down that the other man brushed off.
"I can help myself up, thank you." Egon straightened his jumpsuit, adding another reason to his list of "Why I am going to murder Peter." "Janine, are they still convinced of the supposed attachment between Peter and myself?"
"Convinced isn't a strong enough word…the sap is definitely getting to them. How much longer are you two gonna keep this going?"
"Not too much longer." Peter suddenly got a very wicked gleam in his eyes. "In fact…I'm pretty sure the next thing will push 'em over the edge." He smirked at Egon.
Egon sighed. "Why do I get the distinct feeling that I am going to regret this?"
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Dinner was a rather toned-down affair that evening. Janine chattered away about anything and everything under the sun, while Peter and Egon indulged her conversation. Peter occasionally fed Egon bits of food from his plate. Egon inwardly was wishing the whole practical joke was over already, and was mentally cataloging all of the "babes" and "sweeties" for use against Peter later. Ray was blushing slightly and trying to eat as quickly as possible. Winston was barely touching his curry and twitching.
"So I ended up having to wear this god-awful coral dress! I swear, if I ever get married, I am not forcing such horrors on my bridesmaids!"
Peter grinned at Egon. It was so past showtime. "Speaking of weddings…." Everyone at the table stared at him. He dramatically dropped to one knee on the floor and took both of Egon's hands in his. Egon raised an eyebrow at him, as if he didn't know what was coming next. "Egon Spengler, you and I have known each other for fifteen years….fifteen years, you've been a part of my life and I, a part of yours. I know there is no other person in this world who I would rather spend the rest of my veritable existence with. I'd be so honored if you'd make an honest man out of me." He paused in his speech, as though he were nervous.
Egon had a surprised look on his face. "Why…Dr. Venkman…what are you trying to say?"
Peter took a deep breath, as if he were suddenly very nervous. "Dr. Egon Spengler, will you marry me?"
The physicist's eyes were shining. "Of course, Peter! It's what I've always dreamt of!"
There suddenly was a loud bang. Everyone jumped at the sound.
Winston had stood up and slammed both of his hands onto the table. "That. Is. IT! You two have been together for less than twenty-four hours, and you've already driven us crazy with your complete lack of focus!" Peter and Egon stared at him, as if they were shocked and appalled by his words. "You won't let go of each other for ten seconds, and now you expect us to sit back while you plan to get MARRIED?! Firstly, it's not even legal. Secondly, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?! It's been a day! A FREAKING DAY! Do you have any idea how…how…"
"Ridiculous this all is?" Peter finished for him.
"Yes! Not to mention----"
"Both unreasonable and unacceptable?" This time it was Egon supplying the vocabulary.
"And how! Not to mention---"
"Inconsiderate? Intolerable? Just over all lame?" Peter was helping once more.
"Yes."
"Kinda like the two of you eavesdropping on Spengs and I putting together a desk, and then assuming we're sleeping together without asking the two of us first?" The comment, uttered so casually, broke Janine's resolve and she started snickering.
"Yes, exac---what?" Ray and Winston both were staring at the other two men.
"You heard me. You two. Door-listening. Spengs and I putting his new desk together. Assumptions. Telling Janine those assumptions." Winston was speechless and had sat back down. Ray was blushing furiously. Janine was out and out laughing. "Do I need to draw a diagram?"
"You…you two were…you were…not…uh…." Ray's blush deepened.
"Of course not. When have Peter or myself ever given anyone here cause to believe that our relationship was not merely that of a platonic nature? Furthermore, why would you be so quick to assume that we had changed said nature of our relationship?" Egon pushed his glasses back up on his nose, an annoyed look on his face.
"So uh…the way the two of you have been today was…an act?" Ray was blinking, when it hit him. "Oh gosh…Winston we've been had."
The black man had shrunk down in his chair, a very sheepish expression on his face. "Seems that way."
"Wow…you guys were…that was really convincing! I mean we totally bought it! Didn't we, Winston?"
Winston was shrinking even more. "Seems that way."
"I mean, you kissed and everything! And Janine was in on it too?" A nod from the redhead, as she was too busy cracking up to speak. "Wow! This is the greatest prank ever!" Ray was in his element now.
Egon and Peter looked at each other. Egon cleared his throat. "Raymond, I think you are missing the point of our little…exercise. Peter and I are rather displeased that the two of you not only listened to our conversation, but also did not ask us about what was going on. I should think the two of you have known us for more than enough time to feel comfortable with the latter, and that the former would not be necessary."
Ray's face fell a little. "Well…yeah, you're right. We shoulda just come to you guys in the first place. Sorry about that, Egon. You too, Peter. We don't do it again, will we?"
Only the top of Winston's head and his eyes were visible over the table at this point. "We sure won't." He sat up a bit. "Jeez, if this is what you two did for this, I'm scared of what's gonna happen on April Fool's Day."
Peter smirked. "Ah, you'll just have to wait and see. Now if you'll all excuse me, I've had enough dinner, and all this pretending's made me tired. Think I'll grab a nap." Peter winked as he walked out of the kitchen and headed to the living room, where he promptly sprawled out on the couch.
He was just about to make a stop in Dreamland when the sound of footsteps roused him from his dozing. "Oh, it's you, Spengs. Don't tell me you're missing your 'fiancé' already?"
"Not…exactly." Egon for some reason had a rolled up newspaper in his hands.
WHAP!
"OW! What the hell did you do that for?!" Peter rubbed his head, a crotchety expression on his face.
"That was for calling me 'babe'." WHAP! "That was for smacking my posterior." WHAP! "That was for calling me 'pookie'." WHAP! "And 'honeybuns'." WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! "All three of those were for that senseless stage kiss you gave me, without warning might I add." WHAP! "That was for dropping me after said stage kiss." WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!
"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! EGON LAY OFF! OW! YOU'VE MADE YOUR POINT! JESUS CHRIST!"
"What is that saying, Peter? Ah yes…I believe it is, 'karma's a bitch'."
*~* Finite *~*
Gah, sorry if that wasn't as funny as my usual standard. I be sickly and weak. But, I got one more installment planned, and then we'll all be free of this insanity. Won't that be nice?
A "Yes, definitely need to get out more" Real Ghostbusters fanfic
By Dommi-chan
This is the sequel to "Concepts of the Misinformed." To catch you up to date, Ray and Winston think they have a revelation concerning their two friends and coworkers. Boy are they asking for it. Oh and hey look guys, Janine's in this one because I decided to not be lazy. Like, go me. (For the record, I love Janine, especially bad-accent nosy Janine. ^_~) Still rated PG-13/light R for…well, you'll see for yourselves. Not slash, not really anyways. Frankly were I in Peter or Egon's place…well, let's say certain people would definitely be smited.
Our boys and their secretary still belong to Columbia and DiC. "Happy Together" is property of The Turtles, "If I Were Your Woman" is property of Gladys Knight and the Pips, "I Only Have Eyes for You" is property of The Flamingoes. For the intents and purposes of this story, Janine never had a thing for Egon…yeah you read that right. My fic, my rules, capice?
This is dedicated to everyone who firmly believes, like Ray said last time, that "eavesdroppers (should) go to hell." ^_~
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"People are talking, talkin' 'bout people,
I hear them whisper, you won't believe it.
They think we're lovers, kept under covers.
I just ignore it, but they keep saying….
Let's give them something to talk about,
A little mystery to figure out.
Let's give them something to talk about…
How about love, love, love?"
~Bonnie Raitt, "Something to Talk About"
Peter Venkman was many things: psychologist, entrepreneur, celebrity, Don Juan, scientist, and visionary.
"Me and you, you and me! No matter how you toss the dice, it has to be! The only one for me is you…and you for me! So happy togetherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"
Morning person is not anywhere on that list.
Yet somehow on this Friday morning, he was up before Egon, before Janine had even arrived to begin her shift, and was busying himself making pancakes, singing at the top of his lungs.
If Peter being up early is scary, him also cooking for everyone as he sings happily is downright frightening.
"I can't see me lovin' nobody but you for all my life! When you're with me, baby, the skies will be blue for all my life!"
A door slamming from below heralded Janine's arrival. He could hear Winston and Ray talking to her about something. He ladled out more pancakes onto the griddle and placed some bacon into the microwave.
"Me and you, you and me! No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be! The only one for me is you, and you for me! So happy togetherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"
"Must you be so earsplitting in the morning? There are people who were attempting to get some rest." Peter turned to the doorway, where he was greeted by the sight of an unshaven, bed-headed, still-pajama-wearing Egon.
"Why, good morning to you too, sweetheart. Breakfast will be done soon, so just make yourself comfy and try to not be so grumpy, hmmm?" He set down a steaming cup of coffee in Egon's favourite "I 3 Heidelberg" mug. The bespectacled man started heaping sugar into the hot affricated beverage. Peter was sipping his own coffee as he set out plates of pancakes and bacon and sat down next to Egon. The voices grew louder from downstairs and there was a sudden shriek. Green eyes met blue in a moment of panic.
"No, Janine…no don't----!" That was Winston.
"Janine wait----!" That was Ray.
There was a moment of silence before the sound of a person barreling up the stairs.
"The hell?"
"Your conjecture is as good as mine, Peter."
There were the sounds of more running, until the redheaded blur that is Janine Melnitz skidded into the kitchen, an intense look of glee on her face.
"OH MY GAWD!! I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU TWO! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!" She grabbed Egon and planted a kiss on him, then did the same for Peter. Egon sat there in disbelief while Peter rubbed the lipstick off his cheek.
"Melnitz, what the hell are you doing?"
"Congratulating two of my boys of course! After all this time--it's so hard to believe!" Not only was she beaming, but she was shrill. And she had this really weird look on her face.
"Janine, perhaps you could enlighten us as to exactly why you are so enthusiastic this morning. And also why do you keep saying you can't believe something? I am well aware that Peter being helpful is a rare occurrence, but I'd hardly say it warrants this."
The redhead sat in a chair facing the two men, gleam in her eyes and bright smile toned down a notch. If her friends wanted to be modest in their happiness, she wouldn't stop them. Egon was blowing on his coffee and Peter was taking a sip of his own.
"Why, I'm talking about the two of you being in love! What else would I mean?"
The coffee Peter had been drinking got spit across the kitchen. Egon froze in his seat, eyes wide. Peter started hacking. Egon started pounding Peter on the back without changing his expression.
"I must apologize Janine, for I believe I have misheard you. Did you just say that Peter and I are in love?"
"I sure did!"
"And by in love, you mean…with each other, I am assuming?"
"Of course! Who else is there? I always knew that there was something between you guys. I mean you two fit each other so well…."
"Melnitz…." Peter had recovered enough to talk.
"And you're so cute together, with the light and dark hair thing going! You get each others' jokes and that's really important too!"
"Melnitz."
"Oh this is going to be such a great day! I'm just so happy for both of you! You both deserve someone that can make ya happy, ya know?"
"Janine!" Peter using her given name shocked her enough to stop talking.
"Yes, Dr. V?"
"What on God's green Earth gave you the idea that Spengs and I are an item?"
Janine blinked. "Ray and Winston, they were telling me that they heard you two last night in the lab. Then they said how you---" She pointed at Peter. "---were up EARLY and singing some love song or other and that it could only mean that you two were…."
Egon had actually taken off his glasses and was rubbing his eyes. Peter had gotten a very irate look on his face.
"Janine…we were putting together a desk in the lab last night. I don't know what those morons thought they heard but…." He shook his head. "On second thought, I have a good idea of what they thought they heard. And can I just say that I didn't realize 'pervert' went with our job? 'Cause I didn't."
Janine was thoughtful. "Well, they did say that they had been eavesdropping. They probably heard you guys through the door, and made a couple assumptions."
"A couple?!" Peter thought for a moment. "Although, this sure as shit explains the way they were acting last night at dinner…."
"We shall simply have to go down there and set the record straight…um…you know what I mean." Egon coughed as he noticed the double meaning behind his words.
"No way."
"Pardon?"
"No way. They are not getting out of this as easily as us going 'hey guys you misheard everything.' I mean you'd think by now they know us well enough to just ask. Or you know to not eavesdrop on us. No, no…we are not letting them get away with this."
Janine looked at Peter. Not only was he wearing "Venkman's shit-eating grin," but there was a very lethal look in his eyes. Egon was eyeing him warily.
"What are you proposing?"
"I propose that we give them what they're asking for. They think we're a couple, so let's act like a couple."
Egon raised an eyebrow. "I've always thought you were insane...I do believe you have just given me proof of such an affliction."
"Aw come on, Spengs. I'm not saying we have to do the nasty in front of them or something. I'm just saying pet names, doting, sickening conversations, that kinda crap." He winked at Janine. "With a little assistance from Miss Melnitz here, we can simply play pretend for a while and then make them look like idiots. It'll be fun! Whaddaya say big guy? Can't do this without you." The grin had been toned down from "shit-eating" to "charming and convincing."
Janine giggled. This could really be fun. "He's got a point, Egon. This'd be a good way to put them in their place about the eavesdropping. Plus they're so convinced of it, I doubt they'd listen if you denied it. I won't let them in on it, cross my heart." She took the index finger from her right hand and made an 'X' approximately where her heart was.
Peter looked at his friend imploringly. "Think of it as an experiment in human behaviour. A chance to explore the typical human conditioning of reacting to something that they believe in."
Egon sighed. "Why do I suddenly feel as though no good could possibly come of this?" He pushed his glasses back to the bridge of his nose. "All right, I will participate. Only on the condition that if I think things are getting out of hand, we shall cease."
"You got it, Spengs! Although I should probably start calling you 'pookie' now, shouldn't I?" A frown was the only reply he received. "Okay, 'babycakes' it is!" Before Egon could reply, Winston and Ray walked into the room, apprehensive looks on their faces.
"Um…good morning…Peter. Egon." Ray grabbed a mug and poured himself some coffee. "Wow! Pancakes and bacon! Peter you made all of this for us?" Forgetting his discomfort in the wake of breakfast, he loaded his plate and started pouring syrup on everything.
Peter looked sidelong at Egon. It was now or never. He causally slung an arm around Egon's shoulders. Egon tensed for a moment before remembering the joke, then allowed himself to relax, putting a slight smile on his face. Janine grinned, trying not to laugh. Winston's eyes widened a bit, then he sat down and loaded his own plate.
"So um…is there…something you want to tell us?" Winston inwardly winced. That was arguably the least casual sentence uttered in the history of the English language.
"Well, there is one tiny thing." Venkman Standard Grin Number 15. "Just the simple fact that I am absolutely, one-hundred-percent, head-over-heels for this man here." Peter gazed at Egon with shining eyes. Egon fidgeted a bit, a faint blush covering his face.
"Peter…I hardly think that our friends care to hear this over the breakfast table."
"Nonsense! They're happy for us, babe! Right, guys?" Ray stopped with a fork of pancake halfway to his mouth.
"Um…sure we are. Right, Winston?" Winston blinked.
"Of course. It's just a bit…unexpected." A bit. Rather like saying the Challenger was just a little explosion. Or Watergate was just a tiny press leak.
Egon and Peter were looking at each other, with a grin on Peter's face and a smile on Egon's.
"True love always is!"
----------------------------------------------------------
The rest of the day went on like all of the days before. There were busts, scheduled and emergency. There was lots of driving around various parts of Manhattan. And there was Winston blasting the oldies stations.
There were also new things, like Peter holding doors open for Egon. And when Peter would get hurt or slimed, Egon immediately fussing over him. When partnered up together, Peter would flirt and Egon would actually allow it, occasionally making comments that passed for flirting back from him. When partnered with Winston or Ray, they'd talk almost exclusively about each other.
Winston was experiencing the latter as they wandered through an old brownstone in TriBeca, as he had been partnered with Peter for this particular assignment.
"And then he does this cute thing when the PKE meter goes all wonky…it's like he---"
An annoyed sigh. "Pete. Please. Can you try to concentrate? We're sort-of on the job here."
"What? Oh sorry. It's just…I'm so lucky! I just want to share my happiness!"
"That's…great. We can share when we're off the clock, okay?"
Before Peter could reply, a trio of goopers flew out from behind a closet door and slimed him. Winston turned on his thrower and threw the trap, catching their prey. Peter sat on the floor in a red-ectoplasmic daze. Winston just shook his head ruefully, then gave Peter a hand up.
"Am I a slime magnet?! It's always me! ME! Why don't any of you ever get it?!"
"One of the great mysteries of the universe, Pete." He turned on his collar microphone. "Yo Ray, Egon. We got 'em. Mission accomplished."
A crackle of static. "How is Peter? Is he all right?" Winston had to fight to keep from groaning.
"Yes, Egon, he's fine. Just covered in slime like always."
"Thank goodness. We will be joining you shortly." Winston rolled his eyes. Peter was hastily brushing the slime off his face. Ray and Egon entered the room then, Egon bee-lining for Peter and Ray walking to Winston.
"You know Winston, I never though I'd say this but…Egon's much better company when all he cares about is his PKE meter. He was driving me nuts!"
The black man sighed. "No kidding. I was a few seconds from strangling Pete just now. Thank God for those goopers." He looked to the corner were Egon was dusting slime off Peter with a good natured smile on his face. The two were talking softly. "C'mon, let's go settle the bill…I don't see Pete doing it anytime soon."
The second they left the room, Peter burst out laughing. "I can't believe they're buying this! It's way too easy!"
Egon smirked. "I concur. I had expected Raymond to accept our claims with no resistance…I am surprised at Winston accepting this so readily. It is truly fascinating what people will believe if you tell them."
Over the taller man's shoulders he could see their partners coming back. Peter turned his smile from "incredibly amused" to "goofy and happy." "You got that right, babe! Let's head home." He ran ahead of the physicist, pausing only to smack his ass, and into Ecto.
Egon blinked forty or fifty times. He also made a note to kill Peter when this was over.
----------------------------------------------------------
Fridays at Ghostbusters Central meant several things. Egon's turn for trap duty. Winston's to run out for dinner (Indian food). This time, instead of usurping the shower, Peter went down to the basement to help with the traps. This left Ray alone with Janine on the main floor of the firehouse. He walked over and took a seat on the corner of her desk. The secretary looked up from filing her nails and smiled.
"Something I can help ya with, Ray?"
He fidgeted. "Janine…do you...ah…what do you think of this whole…Peter and Egon thing?"
She had to fight to keep from laughing. "Why, Ray, I think it's wonderful! They're cute together and they look really happy!"
"Yeah, it's…it's great. Um…they're rather clingy with each other aren't they, though? I mean…they…they're sure wrapped up in each other aren't they?"
She furrowed her brow. "Ray, it sounds almost like you're not happy for them at all."
"No! No that isn't it…it's just…they…they're kinda…mushy."
"I think it's sweet. They're still new to this after all. Give it a little time, they'll cool down I'm sure."
Ray pondered. "You're probably right. I'm just being silly."
Just then, soul music came blaring up from the basement. Ray stared at Janine, who just shrugged.
"She tears you down darlin', says you're nothing at all…but I'll pick you up darlin' when she lets you fall. You're like a diamond and she treats you like glass, yet you make it hard to love you, but babe, don't ask…. If I were your woman, if I were your woman, if I were your woman, here's what I'd do: I'd never, never gonna stop lovin' you…."
Ray blinked. "When did we bust Gladys?" He and Janine ran over to the stairwell, confusion on both their faces. They opened the door and quietly peered in, Ray freezing in disbelief and Janine trying desperately not to crack up at the sight they were presented with.
Dr. Peter Venkman and Dr. Egon Spengler dancing by the Containment Unit.
"Life is so crazy, and love is unkind; because she came first, darlin', will she hang on your mind? You're a part of me, and you don't even know it: I'm what you need, but I'm too afraid to show it! If I were your woman, if I were your woman, if I were your woman, here's what I'd do: I'd never, no, no, no stop lovin' you---"
Apparently, Egon was leading. Which makes sense as he was the taller of the two. He spun Peter around a few times, then pulled him back close. They were just swaying back and forth now. The station switched from soul to a love ballad and the pair kept dancing.
"Guys? Janine? I'm back with the food. Guys?" Winston slowly made his way down the stairs, paper bags full of food. "What's going----"
"SHHH! You're ruining the moment!" Janine was starry-eyed.
"My love must be a kind of blind love…I can't see anyone but you. And dear, I wonder if you find love an optical illusion, too?"
Winston blinked at the admonishment, then saw what she meant. Peter was leading now. What none of them could see was Peter winking at Egon, and Egon attempting not to laugh. They were swirling around the basement in circles now, doing showy Fred-and-Ginger-type moves.
"Spengs, who knew you had it in you? This is easily one of your better ideas!" Peter whispered to his partner.
"Are the stars out tonight? I don't know if it's cloudy or bright…I only have eyes for you, dear! The moon may be high, but I can't see a thing in the sky…because I only have eyes for you!"
Egon smiled. "Thank you, Peter. I think." A pause while he was twirled again. "I'm a bit concerned, however, that should we keep this up, they will start to see our 'relationship' for the charade it is."
"Nah, no way. Far as they know we're just at the 'shiny and new' stage. If a month goes on they might wonder, not that I think we'll have to keep this up for that long."
"I don't know if we're in a garden or on a crowded avenue. You are here, and so am I: maybe millions of people go by, but they all disappear from view. And I only have eyes for you…."
The song was almost over. Time to go in for the kill.
A deep breath. "Desperate times, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I hope you'll still respect me in the morning."
"What are you pla--ack!" Egon was cut off by the psychologist abruptly dipping him backwards. Peter winked down at his "boyfriend."
"Here's lookin' at you, kid." He subtly covered Egon's mouth with his hand and put his face right up on it.
To the three observers it looked as though their two coworkers were in engaged in some hardcore
smooching. In reality, Peter was getting a cramp in his leg and having problems breathing, while Egon was fighting his instinctive reaction to shove Peter off and proceed to turn a particle thrower on him.
Ray backed up the stairs, muttering something about Hell and eavesdroppers. Winston wasn't too far behind. And Janine….
"You two can come up for air now. They're upstairs."
"Finally!" Peter dropped Egon unceremoniously on the ground. "I was about to slip into unconsciousness." He then realized that he had dropped his friend, who was laying in a dazed heap on the floor. "Whoops, sorry Spengs." He reached a hand down that the other man brushed off.
"I can help myself up, thank you." Egon straightened his jumpsuit, adding another reason to his list of "Why I am going to murder Peter." "Janine, are they still convinced of the supposed attachment between Peter and myself?"
"Convinced isn't a strong enough word…the sap is definitely getting to them. How much longer are you two gonna keep this going?"
"Not too much longer." Peter suddenly got a very wicked gleam in his eyes. "In fact…I'm pretty sure the next thing will push 'em over the edge." He smirked at Egon.
Egon sighed. "Why do I get the distinct feeling that I am going to regret this?"
----------------------------------------------------------
Dinner was a rather toned-down affair that evening. Janine chattered away about anything and everything under the sun, while Peter and Egon indulged her conversation. Peter occasionally fed Egon bits of food from his plate. Egon inwardly was wishing the whole practical joke was over already, and was mentally cataloging all of the "babes" and "sweeties" for use against Peter later. Ray was blushing slightly and trying to eat as quickly as possible. Winston was barely touching his curry and twitching.
"So I ended up having to wear this god-awful coral dress! I swear, if I ever get married, I am not forcing such horrors on my bridesmaids!"
Peter grinned at Egon. It was so past showtime. "Speaking of weddings…." Everyone at the table stared at him. He dramatically dropped to one knee on the floor and took both of Egon's hands in his. Egon raised an eyebrow at him, as if he didn't know what was coming next. "Egon Spengler, you and I have known each other for fifteen years….fifteen years, you've been a part of my life and I, a part of yours. I know there is no other person in this world who I would rather spend the rest of my veritable existence with. I'd be so honored if you'd make an honest man out of me." He paused in his speech, as though he were nervous.
Egon had a surprised look on his face. "Why…Dr. Venkman…what are you trying to say?"
Peter took a deep breath, as if he were suddenly very nervous. "Dr. Egon Spengler, will you marry me?"
The physicist's eyes were shining. "Of course, Peter! It's what I've always dreamt of!"
There suddenly was a loud bang. Everyone jumped at the sound.
Winston had stood up and slammed both of his hands onto the table. "That. Is. IT! You two have been together for less than twenty-four hours, and you've already driven us crazy with your complete lack of focus!" Peter and Egon stared at him, as if they were shocked and appalled by his words. "You won't let go of each other for ten seconds, and now you expect us to sit back while you plan to get MARRIED?! Firstly, it's not even legal. Secondly, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?! It's been a day! A FREAKING DAY! Do you have any idea how…how…"
"Ridiculous this all is?" Peter finished for him.
"Yes! Not to mention----"
"Both unreasonable and unacceptable?" This time it was Egon supplying the vocabulary.
"And how! Not to mention---"
"Inconsiderate? Intolerable? Just over all lame?" Peter was helping once more.
"Yes."
"Kinda like the two of you eavesdropping on Spengs and I putting together a desk, and then assuming we're sleeping together without asking the two of us first?" The comment, uttered so casually, broke Janine's resolve and she started snickering.
"Yes, exac---what?" Ray and Winston both were staring at the other two men.
"You heard me. You two. Door-listening. Spengs and I putting his new desk together. Assumptions. Telling Janine those assumptions." Winston was speechless and had sat back down. Ray was blushing furiously. Janine was out and out laughing. "Do I need to draw a diagram?"
"You…you two were…you were…not…uh…." Ray's blush deepened.
"Of course not. When have Peter or myself ever given anyone here cause to believe that our relationship was not merely that of a platonic nature? Furthermore, why would you be so quick to assume that we had changed said nature of our relationship?" Egon pushed his glasses back up on his nose, an annoyed look on his face.
"So uh…the way the two of you have been today was…an act?" Ray was blinking, when it hit him. "Oh gosh…Winston we've been had."
The black man had shrunk down in his chair, a very sheepish expression on his face. "Seems that way."
"Wow…you guys were…that was really convincing! I mean we totally bought it! Didn't we, Winston?"
Winston was shrinking even more. "Seems that way."
"I mean, you kissed and everything! And Janine was in on it too?" A nod from the redhead, as she was too busy cracking up to speak. "Wow! This is the greatest prank ever!" Ray was in his element now.
Egon and Peter looked at each other. Egon cleared his throat. "Raymond, I think you are missing the point of our little…exercise. Peter and I are rather displeased that the two of you not only listened to our conversation, but also did not ask us about what was going on. I should think the two of you have known us for more than enough time to feel comfortable with the latter, and that the former would not be necessary."
Ray's face fell a little. "Well…yeah, you're right. We shoulda just come to you guys in the first place. Sorry about that, Egon. You too, Peter. We don't do it again, will we?"
Only the top of Winston's head and his eyes were visible over the table at this point. "We sure won't." He sat up a bit. "Jeez, if this is what you two did for this, I'm scared of what's gonna happen on April Fool's Day."
Peter smirked. "Ah, you'll just have to wait and see. Now if you'll all excuse me, I've had enough dinner, and all this pretending's made me tired. Think I'll grab a nap." Peter winked as he walked out of the kitchen and headed to the living room, where he promptly sprawled out on the couch.
He was just about to make a stop in Dreamland when the sound of footsteps roused him from his dozing. "Oh, it's you, Spengs. Don't tell me you're missing your 'fiancé' already?"
"Not…exactly." Egon for some reason had a rolled up newspaper in his hands.
WHAP!
"OW! What the hell did you do that for?!" Peter rubbed his head, a crotchety expression on his face.
"That was for calling me 'babe'." WHAP! "That was for smacking my posterior." WHAP! "That was for calling me 'pookie'." WHAP! "And 'honeybuns'." WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! "All three of those were for that senseless stage kiss you gave me, without warning might I add." WHAP! "That was for dropping me after said stage kiss." WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!
"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! EGON LAY OFF! OW! YOU'VE MADE YOUR POINT! JESUS CHRIST!"
"What is that saying, Peter? Ah yes…I believe it is, 'karma's a bitch'."
*~* Finite *~*
Gah, sorry if that wasn't as funny as my usual standard. I be sickly and weak. But, I got one more installment planned, and then we'll all be free of this insanity. Won't that be nice?