A Balrog saved us.
Or so I thought. Because when it showed up, even the orcs were smart enough to disappear to wherever they had come from.
And when I gazed back, still running -by this time actually only following the others, not knowing where the hell I was going- and I saw that creature from ancient times, I was suddenly not afraid of dragons anymore.
We were running down stairs and then some halls, and then again stairs, and once more stairs, and I could swear that in my entire life as a princess in the castle, I had never run down so many stairs. The heat of the very earth was boiling up, burning my face, the smoke blurring my vision, the stink chocking my lungs. I felt the desire to shift, to leave thought and feeling behind, to go hide in the void of emptiness. The more I think about that chase, the more it becomes a blur in my head, a blur of fire, smoke, fear and running.
A huge piece of rock fell on the staircase right before us and took a rather big chunk of the staircase with it. Legolas and I -now leading the company because he kept dragging me along wherever he went- stood staring at each other. Then he made a graceful leap (I could not describe that merely as a jump) and I jumped after him, making a flip in air and landing a few steps below him. That was the moment the orcs decided to add a little excitement to the whole thing, since it was becoming rather dull. Arrows came flying down on the company. I took out my staff again and extended it, then tried to ward off the attack by swirling it as fast as I could, breaking off the arrows before they could hit anyone.
Everyone managed to jump, except for Aragorn and Frodo, and alas, when it rains, it pours, because not only did the gap between us grow wider to an impossible distance to jump, but also just at that very moment another piece of rock fell once again to the staircase, this time further up, behind them, and created another abyss. Now they were standing on a separate and very loose piece of stairs high above hell -or something very close to it- with a raging Balrog about to arrive and orcs shooting from every direction and nowhere to go. Ain't life fun?
The piece of stairs they were on began to move, slightly tip back and forth and once again I thought "It can only be the end" and once again destiny was but only playing with us. The staircase smashed into the lower part we -caught in the trance of the whole situation- were still standing on, and both Aragorn and Frodo managed to jump and leave it behind before it finally tilted to the right and crumbled away.
Did I mention running down staircases and corridors? Good, cause that continued some more. Then we came upon a very narrow small bridge in the middle of.....nothing. And I decided to turn around and fight the darn Balrog rather than running over that thing (I am not very well with heights). That is, until Aragorn grabbed my hand and began taking me with him. I swear I would have fainted and fallen if it was just me, but the idea of taking Aragorn with me down to that darkness did what nothing else probably could have - it made me cross that horrible piece of architecture. I knew that the exit of Moria was very close now. But yet we lingered, for Gandalf was standing in the middle of said bridge, trying to ward off the Balrog.
I had seen a lot of things in my short life. Some of those sights were too amazing and startling to put to words. This was certainly one of them. I had always admired Gandalf. Hell, there were times when I adored him. He was the symbol of hope for me. He was power enveloped in compassion; wisdom clad in sweetness. He was a piece of my life that, unlike most other parts, I was always fond of recalling and remembering. The very thought that he was and would always be in Middle Earth (for a very long time in my standards anyway) was what had given me the crazy idea that Sauron could be defeated, in the first place. Gandalf was with us - who the heck was Sauron?!
When Gandalf defeated the Balrog and cast him back into that infinite darkness with half of the bridge, I swore silently to myself that I would never mess with him again. Not even for fun. Actually that was a promise I was not sure I could keep, but in moments of awe like that, humans tend to say very funny things. It is because our hearts are touched and we have such an odd reaction to a touch on the heart.
***
Gandalf fell. He fell for us. He had sacrificed himself to save us, to save the quest, to save Middle Earth. He was immortal like me, and I have to admit, I had a very difficult time understanding the death of mortals, but understanding the death of immortals was something even beyond that. When in the very last moment -just when his victory seemed beyond question- the Balrog managed to drag him with it to that abyss from which there could be no return, I felt a part of my heart going down with him. All that knowledge, all that experience, all that kindness bundled up in the form of an old man - lost forever. Middle Earth was certainly at great loss that day. That I would live to see Mithrandir die....Alas! We are but names....leaves falling in autumn. Immortal or not, we fall and vanish.
My feet kept running with everyone else, for I did not know what else to do. When I finally left Moria, the cold blue daylight fell on me after four days of total darkness, but even that I could not grasp, for my senses were dulled by the pain I had just experienced. We kept running until we were a good distance away from the cursed place - as if putting distance between us and that place would help to put a distance between us and the pain as well. Boromir emerged from the darkness, carrying a protesting Frodo and close behind him was Aragorn, dragging Irulan with him. I had never seen her like that, and my heart went out to her. She seemed more like a lost little child at that moment than anything else. Lost, confused, helpless.....and very, very angry.
I ran back to Aragorn and it took the both of us to keep dragging her away from the entrance to the mines. Irulan was kicking and screaming and I saw a madness in her eyes that I had not seen before, and at that moment my fear for her actually overcame my grief for Gandalf. We held on strong and did not let go until we were a good distance off and Irulan more or less secured underneath us. She was pressed to the cold rocks, her arm bent behind her, not crying and not making a sound, but tears rolling down her face.
"Legolas, hold her" Aragorn said and carefully let go. Irulan did not move. I felt suddenly afraid that we had hurt her in some way. "Irulan" I said, "Irulan......please.....answer me.....are you alright?" She would not answer and I looked up at Aragorn but he was walking away, gently massaging his forehead, not looking back. "Irulan" I tried again, the fear for her taking hold of me now.
"Get off me" she said softly, "you are hurting me", and I swiftly stood up.
****
"Irulan.... please look at me" Legolas was saying, but Irulan could not hear him. She heard his words, but she could not put them together - much less understand them. It was like hearing a foreign language; she heard the vowels and consonants, but there was no meaning to them.
'Breathe Irulan....breathe.....calm down' another familiar voice was saying in her head, but she could not understand that one either. In her head, voices, smells, images were constantly overlapping, merging, creating odd shapes and sounds.
Irulan was barely 6, running into the room where her father and Gandalf were sitting in front of the fire, smoking and talking in deep comfortable voices. Her heart was filled with joy, she was so happy....it was the best day in her life and there would, could never be a better one! For she had finally discovered her true love!
"Father!" she yelled, and her voice came out so high, so shrill. Did she ever have a voice like that? Irulan could not remember. "I know whom to marry!" she was screaming when she finally reached the men. They both turned to look to her, surprise on their faces. Irulan stood by her father's massive chair, panting, the fire softly licking her face.
King Kanduin was laughing -it had been so long since she heard him laugh.....was that really how he used to laugh? She could not recall for sure- and so was Gandalf. "Well who is this lucky groom?" said her father.
"Gandalf the Grey, of course" said Irulan and ran to jump on the lap of a very surprised Gandalf who was now coughing wildly.
Kanduin laughed even harder. "Well....don't you think he is a bit too old for you?" he said in amusement. Irulan could not understand what he meant, but she thought about it for a moment.
"Why.....I am 6.....he must be...." she looked at Gandalf, smiling down at her, ".....he must be 20. Is that a lot?"
Both men laughed again. "Well Irulan" said Gandalf softly, "I am quite older than that".
"I thought about everyone I know....and I know that I want to marry you Gandalf" she said a bit disappointed now.
"Maybe you'll know others in time, Irulan"
"There is no way I could love ANYONE more than you!" she said and hugged him with all her strength. Gandalf chuckled and patted her back.
Saime was waving a piece of paper at Gandalf's nose, with a very angry expression on her flushed face. Irulan had never seen her flushed before! Another similar piece of paper was in Stampa's hand and she too looked very irritated. Actually more like ashamed. Gandalf was as red in the face as the others -if not more- and even from this distance, the company altogether was indeed a sight to see! She slowly turned around to retreat behind the corner and placed her back to the wall again, resisting the strong urge to giggle.
"Lady Saime...." he was stammering, backing away from the much shorter and shriveled woman, "I assure you....."
"Oh spare me Master Gandalf! You should be ashamed of yourself!" Saime spat and together with Stampa, continued to approach him.
"But please, listen..."
"We will NOT listen to your lies!" boomed Stampa. "Even a tree would be wiser at your age!" she yelped. "And to think that you can play both of us at the same time!"
"But I never....."
"That's right! Never thought we would find out about your little game, did you!" screamed Saime.
"No.....I meant.."
"You men are pathetic!" yelled Stampa, and Irulan turned to risk another peek around the corner just in time to see the extremely thin and the extremely fat woman stamping off together, still talking with a wild fury.
"I did not write those, I tell you!" boomed Gandalf behind them. Irulan clasped her hand to her mouth.
"IRULAN!" thundered Gandalf's voice a moment later through the castle and she could swear she heard that voice as if her whole body was one big ear.
"What kind of behavior is that? Especially you two should know better! Where did all that royal blood in you go?" was saying Gandalf with exasperation. He was pacing back and forth before the two little girls. "I barely persuaded your fathers to leave the punishment to me, otherwise I don't know what your fate would have been!"
A few moments passed in silence. Then he stopped and looked at them. "Irulan, now tell me this story from the very beginning one last time.....why did you punch Endor in the face?"
Irulan looked up with one purple eye, smoothed her skirt and pushed her chin up. "I told you, I did not. I bit his leg. That honor was hers."
Gandalf turned to the other girl. "Well?"
"He called us GIRLS!" said Eowyn and smiled a toothless smile.
"Irulan, you know Chemarit will nevertheless always be with you" said Gandalf. She was sitting on the windowsill, looking out into the forest. The sun was going setting, and everything in the world was shades of red and orange. She did not turn around when Gandalf softly squeezed her shoulder.
"I don't think so, Gandalf" she said softly. Another tear rolled down her face. "I think....." she said and a moment of silence followed. This time she did turn around and look at him with all the sorrow painted on her face, "I think the chickens in the other world are tastier. He'll never come back".
"Lady Amargath....I assure you" was stammering Gandalf and waving his arms in desperation. His face was red again. "Yes!" thought Irulan with pleasure from her hiding place. "I love to see his face like that!"
"Lady Queen....I did not..." he tried again. Amargath held up one slender hand and he stopped immediately, looking down with a very embarrassed expression.
"I know Master Gandalf" she said and handed him the piece of paper. "I have enough sense to know that you do not intend to run off with me for a.....what was it......'new and exciting life'. Now if you will excuse me.....I must talk to my daughter".
"Honestly, so must I" sighed Gandalf in relief and continued patting his sweaty forehead with his handkerchief.
But Gandalf would never talk to her again. He was gone.
Irulan jumped up and reeled around, running back to the mines. And she almost made it too. Unfortunate for her, Legolas landed right on top of her just a few feet before the entrance. "Let me go!" she screamed, trying to get rid of him. She would have shifted, but shifting was no good in situations like things. Objects seemed to be a lot heavier in the void, very much like objects underwater. "It is the potential of movement embedded in them" Ingmar had said. "You see, although they seem to have slowed to your eyes, they are moving, and when you shift, they are carrying the potential of a yet uncompleted movement in them. It would be much harder trying to stop or redirect a moving object in the void".
"Get off me!" she tried again, but Legolas had no intention of letting go. If anything, he strengthened his grip on her.
"NO" he said. "Irulan stop. You can not help him anymore!"
She would not listen. She had to go there and kill that accursed Balrog, even if it meant jumping to hell after it!
"Irulan" he said softly now to her ear, He was pinning her down, one arm securely wrapped around her arm and her waist, "Please.....please stop"
Irulan wanted to go on anyway, but her strength began to fail her. "Legolas" she cried, "let me go".
"I can not" he whispered to her ear. "I can not".
So he held her until her pain bled into the rocks right in front of Moria, and seeped from her heart into the earth. Aragorn called out to them, saying that they had to move on. Legolas told him to go ahead, that the two of them would join the rest of the group soon. Even after he released her, he sat beside her for a long time, speaking in elvish, gently stroking her back. And although Irulan could not understand a single word (for she did not know elvish), she felt the words quieting her heart and slowly dampening her feelings.
"We are but names....leaves falling in autumn. Immortal or not, we fall and vanish" said Legolas in elvish and Irulan turned her head and looked him in the eye. That's when everything became suddenly very clear, and just like he knew that he was sitting on the cold rocks in front of Moria on that cool day as Legolas, son of Thandruil, Prince of Mirkwood, he knew he was very much in love with her.
Or so I thought. Because when it showed up, even the orcs were smart enough to disappear to wherever they had come from.
And when I gazed back, still running -by this time actually only following the others, not knowing where the hell I was going- and I saw that creature from ancient times, I was suddenly not afraid of dragons anymore.
We were running down stairs and then some halls, and then again stairs, and once more stairs, and I could swear that in my entire life as a princess in the castle, I had never run down so many stairs. The heat of the very earth was boiling up, burning my face, the smoke blurring my vision, the stink chocking my lungs. I felt the desire to shift, to leave thought and feeling behind, to go hide in the void of emptiness. The more I think about that chase, the more it becomes a blur in my head, a blur of fire, smoke, fear and running.
A huge piece of rock fell on the staircase right before us and took a rather big chunk of the staircase with it. Legolas and I -now leading the company because he kept dragging me along wherever he went- stood staring at each other. Then he made a graceful leap (I could not describe that merely as a jump) and I jumped after him, making a flip in air and landing a few steps below him. That was the moment the orcs decided to add a little excitement to the whole thing, since it was becoming rather dull. Arrows came flying down on the company. I took out my staff again and extended it, then tried to ward off the attack by swirling it as fast as I could, breaking off the arrows before they could hit anyone.
Everyone managed to jump, except for Aragorn and Frodo, and alas, when it rains, it pours, because not only did the gap between us grow wider to an impossible distance to jump, but also just at that very moment another piece of rock fell once again to the staircase, this time further up, behind them, and created another abyss. Now they were standing on a separate and very loose piece of stairs high above hell -or something very close to it- with a raging Balrog about to arrive and orcs shooting from every direction and nowhere to go. Ain't life fun?
The piece of stairs they were on began to move, slightly tip back and forth and once again I thought "It can only be the end" and once again destiny was but only playing with us. The staircase smashed into the lower part we -caught in the trance of the whole situation- were still standing on, and both Aragorn and Frodo managed to jump and leave it behind before it finally tilted to the right and crumbled away.
Did I mention running down staircases and corridors? Good, cause that continued some more. Then we came upon a very narrow small bridge in the middle of.....nothing. And I decided to turn around and fight the darn Balrog rather than running over that thing (I am not very well with heights). That is, until Aragorn grabbed my hand and began taking me with him. I swear I would have fainted and fallen if it was just me, but the idea of taking Aragorn with me down to that darkness did what nothing else probably could have - it made me cross that horrible piece of architecture. I knew that the exit of Moria was very close now. But yet we lingered, for Gandalf was standing in the middle of said bridge, trying to ward off the Balrog.
I had seen a lot of things in my short life. Some of those sights were too amazing and startling to put to words. This was certainly one of them. I had always admired Gandalf. Hell, there were times when I adored him. He was the symbol of hope for me. He was power enveloped in compassion; wisdom clad in sweetness. He was a piece of my life that, unlike most other parts, I was always fond of recalling and remembering. The very thought that he was and would always be in Middle Earth (for a very long time in my standards anyway) was what had given me the crazy idea that Sauron could be defeated, in the first place. Gandalf was with us - who the heck was Sauron?!
When Gandalf defeated the Balrog and cast him back into that infinite darkness with half of the bridge, I swore silently to myself that I would never mess with him again. Not even for fun. Actually that was a promise I was not sure I could keep, but in moments of awe like that, humans tend to say very funny things. It is because our hearts are touched and we have such an odd reaction to a touch on the heart.
***
Gandalf fell. He fell for us. He had sacrificed himself to save us, to save the quest, to save Middle Earth. He was immortal like me, and I have to admit, I had a very difficult time understanding the death of mortals, but understanding the death of immortals was something even beyond that. When in the very last moment -just when his victory seemed beyond question- the Balrog managed to drag him with it to that abyss from which there could be no return, I felt a part of my heart going down with him. All that knowledge, all that experience, all that kindness bundled up in the form of an old man - lost forever. Middle Earth was certainly at great loss that day. That I would live to see Mithrandir die....Alas! We are but names....leaves falling in autumn. Immortal or not, we fall and vanish.
My feet kept running with everyone else, for I did not know what else to do. When I finally left Moria, the cold blue daylight fell on me after four days of total darkness, but even that I could not grasp, for my senses were dulled by the pain I had just experienced. We kept running until we were a good distance away from the cursed place - as if putting distance between us and that place would help to put a distance between us and the pain as well. Boromir emerged from the darkness, carrying a protesting Frodo and close behind him was Aragorn, dragging Irulan with him. I had never seen her like that, and my heart went out to her. She seemed more like a lost little child at that moment than anything else. Lost, confused, helpless.....and very, very angry.
I ran back to Aragorn and it took the both of us to keep dragging her away from the entrance to the mines. Irulan was kicking and screaming and I saw a madness in her eyes that I had not seen before, and at that moment my fear for her actually overcame my grief for Gandalf. We held on strong and did not let go until we were a good distance off and Irulan more or less secured underneath us. She was pressed to the cold rocks, her arm bent behind her, not crying and not making a sound, but tears rolling down her face.
"Legolas, hold her" Aragorn said and carefully let go. Irulan did not move. I felt suddenly afraid that we had hurt her in some way. "Irulan" I said, "Irulan......please.....answer me.....are you alright?" She would not answer and I looked up at Aragorn but he was walking away, gently massaging his forehead, not looking back. "Irulan" I tried again, the fear for her taking hold of me now.
"Get off me" she said softly, "you are hurting me", and I swiftly stood up.
****
"Irulan.... please look at me" Legolas was saying, but Irulan could not hear him. She heard his words, but she could not put them together - much less understand them. It was like hearing a foreign language; she heard the vowels and consonants, but there was no meaning to them.
'Breathe Irulan....breathe.....calm down' another familiar voice was saying in her head, but she could not understand that one either. In her head, voices, smells, images were constantly overlapping, merging, creating odd shapes and sounds.
Irulan was barely 6, running into the room where her father and Gandalf were sitting in front of the fire, smoking and talking in deep comfortable voices. Her heart was filled with joy, she was so happy....it was the best day in her life and there would, could never be a better one! For she had finally discovered her true love!
"Father!" she yelled, and her voice came out so high, so shrill. Did she ever have a voice like that? Irulan could not remember. "I know whom to marry!" she was screaming when she finally reached the men. They both turned to look to her, surprise on their faces. Irulan stood by her father's massive chair, panting, the fire softly licking her face.
King Kanduin was laughing -it had been so long since she heard him laugh.....was that really how he used to laugh? She could not recall for sure- and so was Gandalf. "Well who is this lucky groom?" said her father.
"Gandalf the Grey, of course" said Irulan and ran to jump on the lap of a very surprised Gandalf who was now coughing wildly.
Kanduin laughed even harder. "Well....don't you think he is a bit too old for you?" he said in amusement. Irulan could not understand what he meant, but she thought about it for a moment.
"Why.....I am 6.....he must be...." she looked at Gandalf, smiling down at her, ".....he must be 20. Is that a lot?"
Both men laughed again. "Well Irulan" said Gandalf softly, "I am quite older than that".
"I thought about everyone I know....and I know that I want to marry you Gandalf" she said a bit disappointed now.
"Maybe you'll know others in time, Irulan"
"There is no way I could love ANYONE more than you!" she said and hugged him with all her strength. Gandalf chuckled and patted her back.
Saime was waving a piece of paper at Gandalf's nose, with a very angry expression on her flushed face. Irulan had never seen her flushed before! Another similar piece of paper was in Stampa's hand and she too looked very irritated. Actually more like ashamed. Gandalf was as red in the face as the others -if not more- and even from this distance, the company altogether was indeed a sight to see! She slowly turned around to retreat behind the corner and placed her back to the wall again, resisting the strong urge to giggle.
"Lady Saime...." he was stammering, backing away from the much shorter and shriveled woman, "I assure you....."
"Oh spare me Master Gandalf! You should be ashamed of yourself!" Saime spat and together with Stampa, continued to approach him.
"But please, listen..."
"We will NOT listen to your lies!" boomed Stampa. "Even a tree would be wiser at your age!" she yelped. "And to think that you can play both of us at the same time!"
"But I never....."
"That's right! Never thought we would find out about your little game, did you!" screamed Saime.
"No.....I meant.."
"You men are pathetic!" yelled Stampa, and Irulan turned to risk another peek around the corner just in time to see the extremely thin and the extremely fat woman stamping off together, still talking with a wild fury.
"I did not write those, I tell you!" boomed Gandalf behind them. Irulan clasped her hand to her mouth.
"IRULAN!" thundered Gandalf's voice a moment later through the castle and she could swear she heard that voice as if her whole body was one big ear.
"What kind of behavior is that? Especially you two should know better! Where did all that royal blood in you go?" was saying Gandalf with exasperation. He was pacing back and forth before the two little girls. "I barely persuaded your fathers to leave the punishment to me, otherwise I don't know what your fate would have been!"
A few moments passed in silence. Then he stopped and looked at them. "Irulan, now tell me this story from the very beginning one last time.....why did you punch Endor in the face?"
Irulan looked up with one purple eye, smoothed her skirt and pushed her chin up. "I told you, I did not. I bit his leg. That honor was hers."
Gandalf turned to the other girl. "Well?"
"He called us GIRLS!" said Eowyn and smiled a toothless smile.
"Irulan, you know Chemarit will nevertheless always be with you" said Gandalf. She was sitting on the windowsill, looking out into the forest. The sun was going setting, and everything in the world was shades of red and orange. She did not turn around when Gandalf softly squeezed her shoulder.
"I don't think so, Gandalf" she said softly. Another tear rolled down her face. "I think....." she said and a moment of silence followed. This time she did turn around and look at him with all the sorrow painted on her face, "I think the chickens in the other world are tastier. He'll never come back".
"Lady Amargath....I assure you" was stammering Gandalf and waving his arms in desperation. His face was red again. "Yes!" thought Irulan with pleasure from her hiding place. "I love to see his face like that!"
"Lady Queen....I did not..." he tried again. Amargath held up one slender hand and he stopped immediately, looking down with a very embarrassed expression.
"I know Master Gandalf" she said and handed him the piece of paper. "I have enough sense to know that you do not intend to run off with me for a.....what was it......'new and exciting life'. Now if you will excuse me.....I must talk to my daughter".
"Honestly, so must I" sighed Gandalf in relief and continued patting his sweaty forehead with his handkerchief.
But Gandalf would never talk to her again. He was gone.
Irulan jumped up and reeled around, running back to the mines. And she almost made it too. Unfortunate for her, Legolas landed right on top of her just a few feet before the entrance. "Let me go!" she screamed, trying to get rid of him. She would have shifted, but shifting was no good in situations like things. Objects seemed to be a lot heavier in the void, very much like objects underwater. "It is the potential of movement embedded in them" Ingmar had said. "You see, although they seem to have slowed to your eyes, they are moving, and when you shift, they are carrying the potential of a yet uncompleted movement in them. It would be much harder trying to stop or redirect a moving object in the void".
"Get off me!" she tried again, but Legolas had no intention of letting go. If anything, he strengthened his grip on her.
"NO" he said. "Irulan stop. You can not help him anymore!"
She would not listen. She had to go there and kill that accursed Balrog, even if it meant jumping to hell after it!
"Irulan" he said softly now to her ear, He was pinning her down, one arm securely wrapped around her arm and her waist, "Please.....please stop"
Irulan wanted to go on anyway, but her strength began to fail her. "Legolas" she cried, "let me go".
"I can not" he whispered to her ear. "I can not".
So he held her until her pain bled into the rocks right in front of Moria, and seeped from her heart into the earth. Aragorn called out to them, saying that they had to move on. Legolas told him to go ahead, that the two of them would join the rest of the group soon. Even after he released her, he sat beside her for a long time, speaking in elvish, gently stroking her back. And although Irulan could not understand a single word (for she did not know elvish), she felt the words quieting her heart and slowly dampening her feelings.
"We are but names....leaves falling in autumn. Immortal or not, we fall and vanish" said Legolas in elvish and Irulan turned her head and looked him in the eye. That's when everything became suddenly very clear, and just like he knew that he was sitting on the cold rocks in front of Moria on that cool day as Legolas, son of Thandruil, Prince of Mirkwood, he knew he was very much in love with her.