I have received quite a bit of mail asking if the ring issue concerning the
elves was true. I was surprised myself when I first found out, but it is
true my friends. And is it not an interesting twist in the story? I have
pasted a quote from a Tolkien encyclopedia below regarding the issue:
With the destruction of Sauron's One Ring in the last years of the Third Age, all the other Elven-rings lost their power, including the Three. Those who had borne their power through the ages since their forging left Middle- earth together on the White Ship; Galadriel, Elrond and Gandalf, the Keepers of the Three Rings. Although Sauron and Saruman were both defeated, the Wise did not achieve total victory. With the destruction of the One Ring, the Three Rings that had maintained the realms of the Elves in Middle- earth lost their power, and the Elves began to leave Middle-earth for the Undying Lands.
For more information: www.glyphweb.com/arda/ Great site, check it out.
"How do you plan to approach Mordor?" he asked Aragorn. They were both walking away from the camp, surrounded by the elegant and peaceful atmosphere of Caras Galadhon. Everyone else had gone sleeping. Irulan, too, had retired in her tent. Legolas though, like all elves, felt little need for sleep or rest and he was glad that Aragorn was here as well, to keep him company.
"From the north" said Aragorn. "Through Emyn Muil. I have spoken with Irulan, she said she will lead us through there easily enough." He was smoking his pipe and had a dreamy air to him. His mind was obviously somewhere else.
Legolas waited a moment before he went on. "You are thinking about her," he said very softly. Aragorn did not turn around immediately. He did not answer either. Only after moments he sighed and said "I am always thinking about her," with a heavy heart. He began to walk again, so Legolas accompanied him in silence.
"I told her to take the ship to Valinor, Legolas," Aragorn said after a long silence, during which Legolas had drifted away in his own thoughts and forgotten that they were having a conversation. "It is over," the man added with a whisper.
At this, Aragorn turned around and looked the elf in the eye. Legolas could not remember seeing him like this before. He looked......old. And the idea seemed odd to Legolas. It was beyond doubt that Aragorn was aging - he was nothing like the young man Legolas had met years ago (a very short time ago actually, he mused), and even this moment he was aging, his body nearing death moment by moment with haste. Yet, Aragorn had never looked old. His eyes had always been full with life and fire.
"Why?" Legolas finally said and was surprised that he said it, because he had not meant to speak up. When Aragorn resumed his walking, not answering, he felt the need to press on, although that was usually not his way: "You said you love her."
Aragorn sighed again and it sounded like it was the saddest sound in this world - far sadder than the lament that was still softly ringing in Lothlorien. "I do, Legolas. More than anything." Another silence followed. Legolas felt comfortable talking to Aragorn, for he knew the ways of the elves and felt no haste in an intimate act like a sincere conversation. It was many moments later that Aragorn decided to speak up again: "You were right. As was everybody else, I guess."
And that was exactly what Legolas had feared to hear for a long time now. For he had been far too involved in the relationship between Arwen and Aragorn, although -again- that was not his usual way. But he loved both dearly and his feelings had made him cross into the private domain of their affair. He had talked with each separately on the issue, not hiding his true opinion from neither. And now he was standing here, finally having persuaded Aragorn that this kind of relationship could only be folly, when his heart had betrayed him and he himself no longer believed a single word he had uttered on the matter.
Legolas felt the flame of guilt, shame and fear rise in him. He felt stupid and reckless. He had spoken without thinking and behaved foolishly. True, they certainly did not split up because of him alone, but he sure enough played a role in it - no matter how little. He closed his eyes and tried to calm down, to suppress the feelings in him. When he looked up again, Aragorn was looking at him with a very confused expression on his face.
They stared at each other for a long time, and finally Legolas spoke up: "I thought your love was stronger than that." Aragorn's eyes widened slightly and he scanned the features of the elf hastily again, looking for mocking or amusement, but found only grave honesty.
"And I thought you did not approve," Aragorn said very slowly a while later.
"I do not approve of pain," said Legolas and walked ahead, hoping that his torn feelings were not too obvious, "after having come this far, continuing this relationship can cause no more pain than ending it."
Aragorn was truly amazed now. Legolas almost sounded like he meant it. Legolas, who many times had opposed to their love, saying that an elf and a human were never meant to be; that the death of Aragorn would hurt Arwen more than Aragorn would ever understand as a mortal; that they knew nothing of such loss.. "As if you would know!" Aragorn had once protested with anger and Legolas had simply continued to look as placid as ever and had said "Maybe I do", but refused to talk any further on the issue.
"Forgive me my friend," Aragorn said, waking from his memories and quickening his pace to keep up with Legolas, who had walked ahead a few steps, "I seem to have misunderstood you when you said that there was no future for an elf and a human." He tried to make eye contact, but Legolas of course was too wise for his ways and very gracefully avoided doing so.
"And I must have misunderstood you when you insisted that there was," the elf said finally and waved his hand, as if he wished to close the subject now. Aragorn saw the move, but decided to ignore it, for although Legolas was clearly trying to change the direction of the conversation and looked angry at himself for having started it in the first place, this issue was far too interesting to drop now.
"Legolas," he said and gently placed his hand on his shoulder, again trying to lock eyes with him, but although Legolas remained still and did not move away, he still avoided eye contact by looking over Aragorn's shoulder into the distance, "forgive me. I am only surprised to find you thinking different in this matter." Then he let go of his shoulder and resumed his walking, smoking on his pipe and leaving Legolas behind. "Although I can see the reason," he softly added a moment later when he was further away.
Aragorn smiled slightly when Legolas caught up with him in an instant, saying "I don't know what you mean," and sounded very nervous for an elf.
"Really?" said the man with amusement and did not continue for several moments for the pure pleasure of torment this was inflicting on Legolas. He cast a sidelong glance then and decided that it was time to take pity.
"Come now my friend," said Aragorn, barely able to hide his grin now, "even if I were blind to the ways of love -which I am not- I am certainly not blind to the ways of the Prince of Mirkwood." Legolas looked away with desperation, knowing only too well that that he could not fool Aragorn. "And even though you deserve to be tormented in this matter," Aragorn said and watched as Legolas' eyes widened slightly, "I shall have pity on you. Looks like you are going through enough pain without my help."
Legolas swallowed softly and looked up. Aragorn was grinning indeed! And even though he knew that he should feel angry, he could not. His guilt and shame about him and Arwen was too strong for that. "Maybe I am being punished," he whispered finally.
Aragorn grew solemn all of a sudden. His grin turned into a sad and understanding smile "Love is not a punishment," he said very slowly, "it is a blessing."
"You said that before," began Legolas, finally looking into the man's eyes, "a very long time ago. I'm afraid I failed to see the truth in it, then. I don't know if I see it now, either. It certainly feels a lot more like punishment."
"It does indeed," murmured Aragorn, and taking a deep breath, looked up to the mighty trees. He felt small and insignificant here, under these creatures which had been standing in Middle Earth since ancient times when none of them had drawn breath yet. All his pain, his torment, his joy, his love and hate seemed so in vain. And yet, his heart was so full with them, he could not imagine anything more potent in this world. He slowly reached out and caressed the bark of the nearest tree. "I fear we will never be any wiser in the matters of the heart, Legolas," he said finally. "I always thought that it was the curse of man, but now that I see you, I know that the Elder Children are not spared from that curse, either." Then they resumed walking again, neither speaking for a very long time and each thinking about a woman that seemed to be the single source of immense pain and yet infinite joy.
***
When Irulan finally returned to the camp, she had no notion of how much time has passed. She unconsciously realized that Legolas and Aragorn were still missing, and so was Frodo. For a moment she halted, unable to decide whether she should go out to look for him or not, but then decided against it. She knew that Lothlorien was safe. Besides, the poor hobbit needed as much time alone as anyone else.
She silently crept back into the tent and lied down. Hers was the only mattress in the tent and she felt lucky for the isolation. She loved the company, but after so many weeks, she could not deny the need to remain solitary from these men every now and then. The soft song was still echoing in the distance and although Irulan firmly believed that she would never ever be able to sleep again as long as she lived, sleep came with an unusual swiftness and covered her mind, once again surfacing long lost memories...
..............
"...should marry him. He is a fine man," Hetaire was saying. She was sitting in the clearing of the nearby forest, which was nothing like Mirkwood of course, but nevertheless isolated from the town, while the red headed woman was leaning on a tree a little further ahead. It was spring once again, nearly one year had passed since the ritual in the alley. Irulan was wearing a dress very much like Hetaire's, and often found herself very ridiculous in this thing - although she had to admit that it was much more comfortable than the gowns of a princess.
"And he is quite taken by you," added Vessun, the pretty woman with the short brown hair, sitting right next to her. 'Of course, her name was Vessun! How did I forget something like that?' Irulan thought a bit annoyed.
"Irulan?" said Hetaire and she realized then that they were expecting an answer from her. Irulan slightly rolled her eyes and returned to the difficult task of picking grass. "How many times do we have to talk about this?" she said and even whined a little during the process.
"As many times as it needs," said Hetaire and crossed her arms on her chest with definite determination.
"I like Hasmir. I really think he is a very good man. And he has been very good to me all this time," she began, annoyed by repeating the same monolog over and over again.
"Then he is the perfect one!" interrupted Vessun with a solemn but bright smile on her face.
"He respects you. And that is a rare thing," Hetaire was saying now, her green eyes never leaving Irulan. "He will continue doing so and he will always be kind to you. He has a fair income as a farmer and a nice place. Also, you will be living very close to us."
Irulan felt the prickling sensation of irritation rising up in her again. She knew that it was the way of the Sisters and she did not feel like belittling them for their customs (oh no...there was nothing to belittle about a Darma Druid), but she did not feel that just because she had joined them, she was bound to their ways as well. Hasmir was a nice guy. He did indeed treat her with utter respect and although a farmer, Irulan liked him more than any of the arrogant princes and lords she had met in the past. Yet..their relationship was dull. He would never understand her. Never know neither her real past, nor her real identity. He would never be able to listen with interest when she would tell him about the books she read or the places she had been or even the absurd ideas that flew in her head ever so often. Although he seemed like the perfect choice for a Sister, he was nothing like the man Irulan had imagined to spend her life with.
"I don't love him," she said finally. 'If they want to know the truth, so be it' she thought.
There was a long silence and Irulan felt so oddly suppressed by it, that she finally looked up to see what was going on. Both women had been staring at her intently with those cold looks again.
"You don't..love...him..." said Vessun very slowly, rolling the word "love" on her tongue in an odd way.
"Who said you have to love him?" said Hetaire a moment later, her voice as careful and low as Vessun's.
"Well.." began Irulan, but did not get any further. 'Who indeed?' she thought, a little baffled at such a question.
"Irulan," said Hetaire and bounced off the tree, slowly walking towards them, "love is a dangerous thing. As is fear, or compassion, or anger." Reaching the women, she sat down and resumed looking at the girl with a neutral expression on her face. "Feelings are dangerous. I thought you knew this by now."
"Dangerous?" repeated Irulan, stupefied by their solemn reaction and the direction this conversation was taking. "Why would they be dangerous?"
Neither Vessun, nor Hetaire answered for a long while and neither looked away. She stared stubbornly back at them, trying to prove that she was honestly not understanding this conflict. "Because they distract you, Sister" said Vessun finally, and it sounded more like she hissed it.
"You do not need feelings as a Darma Druid," said Hetaire with a cooler expression.
"But..." said Irulan and felt very stupid now, for she really didn't know how exactly to deny that, but nevertheless felt the strong urge to protest, "...but it is inevitable! We are human. We have feelings for each other. You have families......you have children! Don't you love them?" She was desperately looking from one to the other.
They quickly glanced at each other and, by the looks of it, decided to take a milder approach. Hetaire spoke again, this time with a warmer voice (as warm as her voice could get anyway, which was not much): "Irulan. We have families, yes. And we treasure them. We are grateful for them. But -and this is very important- we can not, WILL not let our feelings for them take a hold of us. We are Darma Druids. We have to become MORE than human."
"So let me ask you a question," said Irulan, openly irritated now, "if your families and your children were under threat. If...if an orcish army marched into this town now...and threatened all that is dear to you....you would not fight? Even if it meant revealing your true identity, you would not protect them when you have the power?" Nobody said that they had to shift. That was dangerous, Irulan understood that, but they could still fight without shifting! True, their identities as Darma Druids would be revealed for sure, for no housewife could explain that skill. And that would probably trigger a set of not so very nice effects and events..but under the circumstances...it was the only option!
There was a long silence and Hetaire's voice fell into it like a stone falling into a calm pond: "No."
Irulan's eyes widened and she barely kept herself from jumping to her feet. She looked from one stony face to the other, but knew that she would find no expression there. "Why?" she finally squeaked.
"It is the price we pay," said Vessun matter-of-factly. "We do only what is right, Sister, even though that right may cause apparent pain or loss for many. We CAN not let ourselves be steered away from this purpose by our emotions. I have told you before, but you are too new to understand - we are only vessels in passing the Way. We will not use it in any manner forbidden to us. Nor will we reveal the existence of our guild or engage in any action that would cause that end. We took that oath," she waited a moment too long before adding with a soft whisper "and so did you."
"I took an oath to protect the Way," she said stubbornly, not afraid of the reaction she would get, "but it did not say that I could not love."
"There is no such thing as love!" said Hetaire with more emotion than Irulan had heard her saying anything for a year now. "Nor is there hate. There is no pleasure or pain. You have seen it yourself - you have stood in the void and felt them all leave you instantly, as if they never existed. That is because in truth they do NOT exist. Feelings are an illusion. There is only right and wrong, Irulan. And we do what is right."
Irulan felt a wave of frustration hitting her. She looked down and unconsciously began picking the grass again. 'Love DOES exist!' she thought bitterly. "I love Chemarit. I love my family. I love Gandalf. I love Hasmir..how can I deny that? And for what end, anyway?'
"I can understand your disapproval, Sister," said Hetaire. "You are yet too new to our ways. But....I think you can relate."
Irulan's head shot up at that remark. "How so?" she said, trying to sound normal, but unable to hide the cold resistance in her voice.
Hetaire looked at her for a long moment. Finally she smiled the ghost of the smile and said "Did you not tell me your past? How you left everyone dear to you behind..and never....looked..back?" emphasizing every word. Irulan met her green eyes and wished that her own brown ones could match the strength in there - though she seriously doubted that, for her emotions were roaring in her again. She clenched her jaws and did not reply. "And did you not hurt them when you left?" continued Hetaire, her eyes never leaving Irulan's, "Were they not heart broken? Were they not in pain? And when I asked you why you refused to tell them the truth.....what was your answer, Sister?" she asked with a mild tone of fake interest in her voice. Irulan refused to answer again. Her whole body was burning with anger and shame and she was sure that the red color had crept up to her face as well. "Because it is for their own good," Hetaire answered her own question, mimicking Irulan. Her smile widened very slowly, "Why do you think we accepted you to be one of our own?"
...........
Irulan shot up and sat panting. She shuddered and clasped her hand over her mouth, afraid that she would scream out unconsciously. She was covered in sweat and was shaking like a leaf. 'This is an ill omen,' she thought all of a sudden, 'to dream such dark dreams in a place like this!' She slowly stood up from the mattress, not wishing to remain in that particular spot any longer and because she had not idea what to do, she hastily stepped out into the open.
Caras Galadhron was exactly as she had left it. The same soft twilight was in the air, and another, more merrier melody was sung in the distance. She remained standing, trying to leave the effects of the dream back in the tent. 'Breathe Irulan...that is the trick for everything,' the voice in her head whispered softly and Irulan tried to heed its advice.
This time she literally jumped when Legolas appeared right before her. She felt like punching him very hard, too, but he looked horrible without it. 'And why is that?' she thought for an instant, but quickly dropped the issue. 'At this moment, I really don't care!' she thought bitterly.
Legolas opened his mouth but Irulan quickly held up a hand, shutting him up. "Legolas!" she hissed with irritation, "No, I am fine. No, it is nothing. I need no help. It was only a dream. And yes, I would very much appreciate it if you leave me alone now," and refusing to wait for his reply, she quickly turned around and walked away.
She had walked for a few minutes, lost in her thoughts when she heard his voice right beside her, and once again, jumped. 'I REALLY need to stop doing this! It is very embarrassing for a Darma Druid!' she thought ruefully.
"Irulan, you seriously can not expect me to walk off when you look like this!" he was saying in exasperation.
"Actually I do, Legolas. And it is about time you showed me some respect," she reeled on to him. Her inner voice was protesting 'Careful Irulan...careful...do not take out your anger on him..he has no fault in this,' but her irritation kept growing and blocking out her thoughts.
"I do respect you," he replied with a serious voice and remained standing, although she moved in on him and looked quite dangerous at that moment.
"Then why do you keep fussing over me like that?" she said, the anger in her voice obvious now.
"Because I care for you," Legolas shot back and he too seemed very angry. Actually more than she remembered him to be in a long time now. But this was indeed not a moment she wished to spend thinking about him. She needed to be alone; she needed to gather her wits again.
"Oh really?!" she said raising her voice. She barely kept herself from screaming, but the fact that they were in a VERY quite elvish city kept her from realizing that wish. "Next thing you know, you'll tell me you love me!"
Legolas blinked in surprise. He looked at her for a very long moment with an expression that Irulan did not care to analyze too much, and then finally said "What would you say if I told you so?" with a velvet voice.
Irulan took a deep breath and stubbornly fought to suppress her anger. She clenched her fists and looked away. Suddenly the idea of shifting and giving this elf a good beating before he could even realize what is going on seemed to make a lot of sense. Damn the ethics! She finally looked up. "I would say that it is high time for you to grow up, Prince Legolas," she whispered and walked away.
With the destruction of Sauron's One Ring in the last years of the Third Age, all the other Elven-rings lost their power, including the Three. Those who had borne their power through the ages since their forging left Middle- earth together on the White Ship; Galadriel, Elrond and Gandalf, the Keepers of the Three Rings. Although Sauron and Saruman were both defeated, the Wise did not achieve total victory. With the destruction of the One Ring, the Three Rings that had maintained the realms of the Elves in Middle- earth lost their power, and the Elves began to leave Middle-earth for the Undying Lands.
For more information: www.glyphweb.com/arda/ Great site, check it out.
"How do you plan to approach Mordor?" he asked Aragorn. They were both walking away from the camp, surrounded by the elegant and peaceful atmosphere of Caras Galadhon. Everyone else had gone sleeping. Irulan, too, had retired in her tent. Legolas though, like all elves, felt little need for sleep or rest and he was glad that Aragorn was here as well, to keep him company.
"From the north" said Aragorn. "Through Emyn Muil. I have spoken with Irulan, she said she will lead us through there easily enough." He was smoking his pipe and had a dreamy air to him. His mind was obviously somewhere else.
Legolas waited a moment before he went on. "You are thinking about her," he said very softly. Aragorn did not turn around immediately. He did not answer either. Only after moments he sighed and said "I am always thinking about her," with a heavy heart. He began to walk again, so Legolas accompanied him in silence.
"I told her to take the ship to Valinor, Legolas," Aragorn said after a long silence, during which Legolas had drifted away in his own thoughts and forgotten that they were having a conversation. "It is over," the man added with a whisper.
At this, Aragorn turned around and looked the elf in the eye. Legolas could not remember seeing him like this before. He looked......old. And the idea seemed odd to Legolas. It was beyond doubt that Aragorn was aging - he was nothing like the young man Legolas had met years ago (a very short time ago actually, he mused), and even this moment he was aging, his body nearing death moment by moment with haste. Yet, Aragorn had never looked old. His eyes had always been full with life and fire.
"Why?" Legolas finally said and was surprised that he said it, because he had not meant to speak up. When Aragorn resumed his walking, not answering, he felt the need to press on, although that was usually not his way: "You said you love her."
Aragorn sighed again and it sounded like it was the saddest sound in this world - far sadder than the lament that was still softly ringing in Lothlorien. "I do, Legolas. More than anything." Another silence followed. Legolas felt comfortable talking to Aragorn, for he knew the ways of the elves and felt no haste in an intimate act like a sincere conversation. It was many moments later that Aragorn decided to speak up again: "You were right. As was everybody else, I guess."
And that was exactly what Legolas had feared to hear for a long time now. For he had been far too involved in the relationship between Arwen and Aragorn, although -again- that was not his usual way. But he loved both dearly and his feelings had made him cross into the private domain of their affair. He had talked with each separately on the issue, not hiding his true opinion from neither. And now he was standing here, finally having persuaded Aragorn that this kind of relationship could only be folly, when his heart had betrayed him and he himself no longer believed a single word he had uttered on the matter.
Legolas felt the flame of guilt, shame and fear rise in him. He felt stupid and reckless. He had spoken without thinking and behaved foolishly. True, they certainly did not split up because of him alone, but he sure enough played a role in it - no matter how little. He closed his eyes and tried to calm down, to suppress the feelings in him. When he looked up again, Aragorn was looking at him with a very confused expression on his face.
They stared at each other for a long time, and finally Legolas spoke up: "I thought your love was stronger than that." Aragorn's eyes widened slightly and he scanned the features of the elf hastily again, looking for mocking or amusement, but found only grave honesty.
"And I thought you did not approve," Aragorn said very slowly a while later.
"I do not approve of pain," said Legolas and walked ahead, hoping that his torn feelings were not too obvious, "after having come this far, continuing this relationship can cause no more pain than ending it."
Aragorn was truly amazed now. Legolas almost sounded like he meant it. Legolas, who many times had opposed to their love, saying that an elf and a human were never meant to be; that the death of Aragorn would hurt Arwen more than Aragorn would ever understand as a mortal; that they knew nothing of such loss.. "As if you would know!" Aragorn had once protested with anger and Legolas had simply continued to look as placid as ever and had said "Maybe I do", but refused to talk any further on the issue.
"Forgive me my friend," Aragorn said, waking from his memories and quickening his pace to keep up with Legolas, who had walked ahead a few steps, "I seem to have misunderstood you when you said that there was no future for an elf and a human." He tried to make eye contact, but Legolas of course was too wise for his ways and very gracefully avoided doing so.
"And I must have misunderstood you when you insisted that there was," the elf said finally and waved his hand, as if he wished to close the subject now. Aragorn saw the move, but decided to ignore it, for although Legolas was clearly trying to change the direction of the conversation and looked angry at himself for having started it in the first place, this issue was far too interesting to drop now.
"Legolas," he said and gently placed his hand on his shoulder, again trying to lock eyes with him, but although Legolas remained still and did not move away, he still avoided eye contact by looking over Aragorn's shoulder into the distance, "forgive me. I am only surprised to find you thinking different in this matter." Then he let go of his shoulder and resumed his walking, smoking on his pipe and leaving Legolas behind. "Although I can see the reason," he softly added a moment later when he was further away.
Aragorn smiled slightly when Legolas caught up with him in an instant, saying "I don't know what you mean," and sounded very nervous for an elf.
"Really?" said the man with amusement and did not continue for several moments for the pure pleasure of torment this was inflicting on Legolas. He cast a sidelong glance then and decided that it was time to take pity.
"Come now my friend," said Aragorn, barely able to hide his grin now, "even if I were blind to the ways of love -which I am not- I am certainly not blind to the ways of the Prince of Mirkwood." Legolas looked away with desperation, knowing only too well that that he could not fool Aragorn. "And even though you deserve to be tormented in this matter," Aragorn said and watched as Legolas' eyes widened slightly, "I shall have pity on you. Looks like you are going through enough pain without my help."
Legolas swallowed softly and looked up. Aragorn was grinning indeed! And even though he knew that he should feel angry, he could not. His guilt and shame about him and Arwen was too strong for that. "Maybe I am being punished," he whispered finally.
Aragorn grew solemn all of a sudden. His grin turned into a sad and understanding smile "Love is not a punishment," he said very slowly, "it is a blessing."
"You said that before," began Legolas, finally looking into the man's eyes, "a very long time ago. I'm afraid I failed to see the truth in it, then. I don't know if I see it now, either. It certainly feels a lot more like punishment."
"It does indeed," murmured Aragorn, and taking a deep breath, looked up to the mighty trees. He felt small and insignificant here, under these creatures which had been standing in Middle Earth since ancient times when none of them had drawn breath yet. All his pain, his torment, his joy, his love and hate seemed so in vain. And yet, his heart was so full with them, he could not imagine anything more potent in this world. He slowly reached out and caressed the bark of the nearest tree. "I fear we will never be any wiser in the matters of the heart, Legolas," he said finally. "I always thought that it was the curse of man, but now that I see you, I know that the Elder Children are not spared from that curse, either." Then they resumed walking again, neither speaking for a very long time and each thinking about a woman that seemed to be the single source of immense pain and yet infinite joy.
***
When Irulan finally returned to the camp, she had no notion of how much time has passed. She unconsciously realized that Legolas and Aragorn were still missing, and so was Frodo. For a moment she halted, unable to decide whether she should go out to look for him or not, but then decided against it. She knew that Lothlorien was safe. Besides, the poor hobbit needed as much time alone as anyone else.
She silently crept back into the tent and lied down. Hers was the only mattress in the tent and she felt lucky for the isolation. She loved the company, but after so many weeks, she could not deny the need to remain solitary from these men every now and then. The soft song was still echoing in the distance and although Irulan firmly believed that she would never ever be able to sleep again as long as she lived, sleep came with an unusual swiftness and covered her mind, once again surfacing long lost memories...
..............
"...should marry him. He is a fine man," Hetaire was saying. She was sitting in the clearing of the nearby forest, which was nothing like Mirkwood of course, but nevertheless isolated from the town, while the red headed woman was leaning on a tree a little further ahead. It was spring once again, nearly one year had passed since the ritual in the alley. Irulan was wearing a dress very much like Hetaire's, and often found herself very ridiculous in this thing - although she had to admit that it was much more comfortable than the gowns of a princess.
"And he is quite taken by you," added Vessun, the pretty woman with the short brown hair, sitting right next to her. 'Of course, her name was Vessun! How did I forget something like that?' Irulan thought a bit annoyed.
"Irulan?" said Hetaire and she realized then that they were expecting an answer from her. Irulan slightly rolled her eyes and returned to the difficult task of picking grass. "How many times do we have to talk about this?" she said and even whined a little during the process.
"As many times as it needs," said Hetaire and crossed her arms on her chest with definite determination.
"I like Hasmir. I really think he is a very good man. And he has been very good to me all this time," she began, annoyed by repeating the same monolog over and over again.
"Then he is the perfect one!" interrupted Vessun with a solemn but bright smile on her face.
"He respects you. And that is a rare thing," Hetaire was saying now, her green eyes never leaving Irulan. "He will continue doing so and he will always be kind to you. He has a fair income as a farmer and a nice place. Also, you will be living very close to us."
Irulan felt the prickling sensation of irritation rising up in her again. She knew that it was the way of the Sisters and she did not feel like belittling them for their customs (oh no...there was nothing to belittle about a Darma Druid), but she did not feel that just because she had joined them, she was bound to their ways as well. Hasmir was a nice guy. He did indeed treat her with utter respect and although a farmer, Irulan liked him more than any of the arrogant princes and lords she had met in the past. Yet..their relationship was dull. He would never understand her. Never know neither her real past, nor her real identity. He would never be able to listen with interest when she would tell him about the books she read or the places she had been or even the absurd ideas that flew in her head ever so often. Although he seemed like the perfect choice for a Sister, he was nothing like the man Irulan had imagined to spend her life with.
"I don't love him," she said finally. 'If they want to know the truth, so be it' she thought.
There was a long silence and Irulan felt so oddly suppressed by it, that she finally looked up to see what was going on. Both women had been staring at her intently with those cold looks again.
"You don't..love...him..." said Vessun very slowly, rolling the word "love" on her tongue in an odd way.
"Who said you have to love him?" said Hetaire a moment later, her voice as careful and low as Vessun's.
"Well.." began Irulan, but did not get any further. 'Who indeed?' she thought, a little baffled at such a question.
"Irulan," said Hetaire and bounced off the tree, slowly walking towards them, "love is a dangerous thing. As is fear, or compassion, or anger." Reaching the women, she sat down and resumed looking at the girl with a neutral expression on her face. "Feelings are dangerous. I thought you knew this by now."
"Dangerous?" repeated Irulan, stupefied by their solemn reaction and the direction this conversation was taking. "Why would they be dangerous?"
Neither Vessun, nor Hetaire answered for a long while and neither looked away. She stared stubbornly back at them, trying to prove that she was honestly not understanding this conflict. "Because they distract you, Sister" said Vessun finally, and it sounded more like she hissed it.
"You do not need feelings as a Darma Druid," said Hetaire with a cooler expression.
"But..." said Irulan and felt very stupid now, for she really didn't know how exactly to deny that, but nevertheless felt the strong urge to protest, "...but it is inevitable! We are human. We have feelings for each other. You have families......you have children! Don't you love them?" She was desperately looking from one to the other.
They quickly glanced at each other and, by the looks of it, decided to take a milder approach. Hetaire spoke again, this time with a warmer voice (as warm as her voice could get anyway, which was not much): "Irulan. We have families, yes. And we treasure them. We are grateful for them. But -and this is very important- we can not, WILL not let our feelings for them take a hold of us. We are Darma Druids. We have to become MORE than human."
"So let me ask you a question," said Irulan, openly irritated now, "if your families and your children were under threat. If...if an orcish army marched into this town now...and threatened all that is dear to you....you would not fight? Even if it meant revealing your true identity, you would not protect them when you have the power?" Nobody said that they had to shift. That was dangerous, Irulan understood that, but they could still fight without shifting! True, their identities as Darma Druids would be revealed for sure, for no housewife could explain that skill. And that would probably trigger a set of not so very nice effects and events..but under the circumstances...it was the only option!
There was a long silence and Hetaire's voice fell into it like a stone falling into a calm pond: "No."
Irulan's eyes widened and she barely kept herself from jumping to her feet. She looked from one stony face to the other, but knew that she would find no expression there. "Why?" she finally squeaked.
"It is the price we pay," said Vessun matter-of-factly. "We do only what is right, Sister, even though that right may cause apparent pain or loss for many. We CAN not let ourselves be steered away from this purpose by our emotions. I have told you before, but you are too new to understand - we are only vessels in passing the Way. We will not use it in any manner forbidden to us. Nor will we reveal the existence of our guild or engage in any action that would cause that end. We took that oath," she waited a moment too long before adding with a soft whisper "and so did you."
"I took an oath to protect the Way," she said stubbornly, not afraid of the reaction she would get, "but it did not say that I could not love."
"There is no such thing as love!" said Hetaire with more emotion than Irulan had heard her saying anything for a year now. "Nor is there hate. There is no pleasure or pain. You have seen it yourself - you have stood in the void and felt them all leave you instantly, as if they never existed. That is because in truth they do NOT exist. Feelings are an illusion. There is only right and wrong, Irulan. And we do what is right."
Irulan felt a wave of frustration hitting her. She looked down and unconsciously began picking the grass again. 'Love DOES exist!' she thought bitterly. "I love Chemarit. I love my family. I love Gandalf. I love Hasmir..how can I deny that? And for what end, anyway?'
"I can understand your disapproval, Sister," said Hetaire. "You are yet too new to our ways. But....I think you can relate."
Irulan's head shot up at that remark. "How so?" she said, trying to sound normal, but unable to hide the cold resistance in her voice.
Hetaire looked at her for a long moment. Finally she smiled the ghost of the smile and said "Did you not tell me your past? How you left everyone dear to you behind..and never....looked..back?" emphasizing every word. Irulan met her green eyes and wished that her own brown ones could match the strength in there - though she seriously doubted that, for her emotions were roaring in her again. She clenched her jaws and did not reply. "And did you not hurt them when you left?" continued Hetaire, her eyes never leaving Irulan's, "Were they not heart broken? Were they not in pain? And when I asked you why you refused to tell them the truth.....what was your answer, Sister?" she asked with a mild tone of fake interest in her voice. Irulan refused to answer again. Her whole body was burning with anger and shame and she was sure that the red color had crept up to her face as well. "Because it is for their own good," Hetaire answered her own question, mimicking Irulan. Her smile widened very slowly, "Why do you think we accepted you to be one of our own?"
...........
Irulan shot up and sat panting. She shuddered and clasped her hand over her mouth, afraid that she would scream out unconsciously. She was covered in sweat and was shaking like a leaf. 'This is an ill omen,' she thought all of a sudden, 'to dream such dark dreams in a place like this!' She slowly stood up from the mattress, not wishing to remain in that particular spot any longer and because she had not idea what to do, she hastily stepped out into the open.
Caras Galadhron was exactly as she had left it. The same soft twilight was in the air, and another, more merrier melody was sung in the distance. She remained standing, trying to leave the effects of the dream back in the tent. 'Breathe Irulan...that is the trick for everything,' the voice in her head whispered softly and Irulan tried to heed its advice.
This time she literally jumped when Legolas appeared right before her. She felt like punching him very hard, too, but he looked horrible without it. 'And why is that?' she thought for an instant, but quickly dropped the issue. 'At this moment, I really don't care!' she thought bitterly.
Legolas opened his mouth but Irulan quickly held up a hand, shutting him up. "Legolas!" she hissed with irritation, "No, I am fine. No, it is nothing. I need no help. It was only a dream. And yes, I would very much appreciate it if you leave me alone now," and refusing to wait for his reply, she quickly turned around and walked away.
She had walked for a few minutes, lost in her thoughts when she heard his voice right beside her, and once again, jumped. 'I REALLY need to stop doing this! It is very embarrassing for a Darma Druid!' she thought ruefully.
"Irulan, you seriously can not expect me to walk off when you look like this!" he was saying in exasperation.
"Actually I do, Legolas. And it is about time you showed me some respect," she reeled on to him. Her inner voice was protesting 'Careful Irulan...careful...do not take out your anger on him..he has no fault in this,' but her irritation kept growing and blocking out her thoughts.
"I do respect you," he replied with a serious voice and remained standing, although she moved in on him and looked quite dangerous at that moment.
"Then why do you keep fussing over me like that?" she said, the anger in her voice obvious now.
"Because I care for you," Legolas shot back and he too seemed very angry. Actually more than she remembered him to be in a long time now. But this was indeed not a moment she wished to spend thinking about him. She needed to be alone; she needed to gather her wits again.
"Oh really?!" she said raising her voice. She barely kept herself from screaming, but the fact that they were in a VERY quite elvish city kept her from realizing that wish. "Next thing you know, you'll tell me you love me!"
Legolas blinked in surprise. He looked at her for a very long moment with an expression that Irulan did not care to analyze too much, and then finally said "What would you say if I told you so?" with a velvet voice.
Irulan took a deep breath and stubbornly fought to suppress her anger. She clenched her fists and looked away. Suddenly the idea of shifting and giving this elf a good beating before he could even realize what is going on seemed to make a lot of sense. Damn the ethics! She finally looked up. "I would say that it is high time for you to grow up, Prince Legolas," she whispered and walked away.