There it is..the last chapter I have written. Now I have absolutely no
material left and I don't know when my inspiration will hit me for a
continuance of this. Again...thank you sooooooo much for the incredible
remarks and suggestions. Though I'm afraid I won't be able to heed most. Ha
ha..dear lovely reviewers, I can NOT make her half-elven or suddenly
immortal. Which means she is a mortal and she will die. As to WHEN she will
die..I have a few ideas. Thanks for the grammatical corrections as well
(Scene eleven). I thought about "elves or elvish" starting with a capital
E, but then, not doing that with hobbits, dwarfs or humans, I decided to
keep it like that. If it is not correct this way, so be it :)
Now...chapter about love coming up. And I am very seriously asking all of you to take a minute to walk up to that stereo of yours and put in your most favorite love song that will play during the entire reading of the below chapter. Knowing what is coming up, I would suggest nothing too pop, and a trifle sad. I wrote it to old songs like Roxette's "Things will never be the same", Tori Amos' "1000 Oceans" and "The Etienne Trilogy" and especially Alannah Miles' "Song instead of a kiss". That one, you should really listen to. Music adds a lot to the writing and creating that certain mood will definitely help to understand the feelings I desperately tried to establish in this part. Seriously....put in the CD first.
"..........and so he turned to her and looked into her crystal blue eyes. He felt his heart melting, his pulse quickening and he felt the urge to embrace her, to kiss her growing in him. She looked back, all her passion laid out before his eyes now. They approached each other......- Master, I really think I shouldn't read the rest of this!"
Chemarit was sitting in his only armchair by the fire that was the only source of light in the dark room, and looking into the flames, one hand on a wine bottle, the other on his pipe. He looked startled at her comment and turned to look at her with open annoyance.
"Read it, read it!" he waved with the pipe in her direction.
Irulan rolled her eyes. "I really can not. It is......." she looked at the book on her lap and then back up, "indecent!" she chirped.
"Huh?" said Chemarit and looked down at her.
"Indecent I say!" said Irulan again. "She is his BROTHER's wife!"
A long moment passed during which Chemarit obviously fought down the irritation of his pleasure being interrupted once again with nonsense. "So?" he said finally, still puffing on his pipe.
"So?!" repeated Irulan with disbelief. "SO?!" She looked down at the book again with distaste on her face. "That is so WRONG!" she said, a trifle too loud maybe.
Chemarit sighed and muttered (probably cursed). "Irulan! Don't be silly. The man is IN LOVE!" When she did not reply with one of her high pitched protests again, he turned to look down at her. The little girl was sitting on the only rug on the floor, her legs crossed, the big volume laid across her lap. She had an almost angry look on her face.
"So?" said Irulan, mimicking him, with a low voice.
Chemarit threw up his hands. "Irulan! IN LOVE! That means he can do EVERYTHING. He has permission!"
"Permission?" said Irulan, slightly cocking her head with disbelief.
Chemarit nodded heartily and took another gulp from the bottle.
"By whom?"
"By Life, you stupid girl! By Nature."
Irulan shook her little head. "Master, what about decency? What about vows? Sacred bonds? That evil snake of a woman.....-" Chemarit gave her a sour look and she halted for a moment, "....I mean....that woman has promised another. His BROTHER, for Heaven's sake! Does that hold no value?"
"Not against love," he said matter-of-factly and waved her argument away. "Now continue."
"But..........."
"Irulan!"
"And whatever happened to the friendship? They were friends just pages ago and then he is in LOVE? This book is really stupid. Even the one last week made more sense than this."
"What is there not to understand?! They are still friends but also they love each other," bit Chemarit. His eyes took a glazy look after that and the smiled towards the fire.
"Yuck!" said Irulan. "Are you saying........Yuck! I have friends too, and I would NEVER.......kiss......any of them!" she yelled, and wiped her mouth with the back of her arm as if she had, an expression of disgust on her face.
Chemarit was watching her with open amusement on his face. "Irulan, how many times do I need to say........not even the fiercest warrior can win against love. I don't care if he's her brother himself!"
Irulan's eyes widened incredibly at that remark and her mouth fell open. Chemarit boomed with laughter and she jumped up at that sound, despite herself. She threw the book from her lap and jumped to her feet. "That's disgusting Chemarit! I was being serious!"
"Alright, alright!" he wheezed minutes later, tears streaming down his face. "Just read, read!"
She remained standing though, and crossed her arms stubbornly. "I will........but you must explain first."
Chemarit sighed and threw up his hands again, "I explained it to you! So many times! You have a thick skull and a small brain!"
Irulan pushed up her chin and continued to stare at him coldly. "Well.......that makes two of us!" she said in a cold voice. "Explain again!"
Chemarit threw another sour look in her direction but knowing that he had no other choice, finally sighed and gave in to her. "Irulan. When you are in LOVE, you do not think with your brain any longer. You think with your heart." He scratched his chin lazily, looking away and desperately thinking of another way to approach the subject. "You love me, don't you?" he said suddenly.
"Not all the time," said Irulan, throwing a poisonous look in his direction.
"You love me," he said and waved her argument away. "But you see.......you shouldn't."
Irulan's mouth dropped open. "Why the heck not?"
"Well.......one thing......I am an addict......" -he held up his pipe- ".....I am a drunkard......." -he held up the bottle in his other hand- "....I am a thief....." -he pointed with his head towards the table that was standing in the corner of the room. On it was a plate with the leftovers of a grilled chicken- "...I don't listen to your father -he is a KING, mind you-, I like INDECENT ideas......." he broke off, looking at her confused face with a grin. He puffed on his pipe for a few moments while Irulan's little brain raced over what he just said and -by the horror on her face- found nothing to object to.
"So.........." he said with amusement a long moment later, "why do you love me?"
A long silence followed. Finally Irulan said "That's different!" Chemarit rolled his eyes and took another gulp from the bottle.
"Alright. Let us assume that I get caught stealing a chicken," said Chemarit, stubbornly determined to get his point across. "No........forget the chicken. Let's say......." he frowned for a moment and then his face beamed up, "Let's say I fall in love with Lady Ashmat."
"Lady ASHMAT?" repeated Irulan with astonishment. "The wife of Lord Celethion of House Paman?"
"Yes! The very lady!"
"But......"
Chemarit waved his pipe, "Let us just ASSUME!" Irulan's features twisted with the need to object, but she remained silent. "I am in love and so is she and we run off." He glanced at the impatient expression on her face. "But we get caught.........by your father," he said slowly and watched her frown slightly. "Now we are in the dungeons, your father mercilessly whipping us to death, we are hanging there by the very last thread of our lives and.........."
"Chemarit! My father has no dungeons and he most certainly would not whip you," she interrupted, knowing he would go on dramatizing and lose himself in the tale if she did not.
"Oh.........alright" said Chemarit, a little stupefied. "But anyway, let us say he put us in a chamber and we will be executed the next morning!"
"Executed?" Irulan yelped.
"Do you think they would hit our palms with a stick a couple of times and let us go?" Irulan thought about that for a moment and decided not to object after all. "Executed! First the first light of dawn we will be dragged to the center of the town, our clothes torn, our bodies bruised, desperately trying to touch each other one last time.......we reach out and struggle in desperation but the guards kick us back.........and I want to tell her so much that I love her but......."
"Master!" growled Irulan.
"Alright, alright! No patience, Irulan! Your greatest weakness!" he mumbled. "We will be executed. But........" he said and grinned slyly in her direction again. "........you are the princess of the castle. You have the key to the chamber!" he whispered and leaned over to the girl who stood by his chair but did not see him leaning towards her, for she was lost in the imagination of the moment.
"Tell me Irulan," said Chemarit very slowly, "what would you do?"
"Why, I would free you of course!" she said immediately with a tinge of anger. "What a stupid question!"
"Really?"
"REALLY?" snorted Irulan, mimicking him. "You bet, old man! NO ONE executes my Master! Errr......can we leave Lady Ashmat behind?"
"No, but forget about her now. Tell me, why would you save us?"
"Wha......What do you mean?" she shouted with utter disbelief. A moment passed in silence. "I can't believe you ask me that," she mumbled with disappointment. "You doubt me!"
"I don't doubt you, stupid girl! You doubt yourself!" Irulan stared back at him in defiance. "Irulan, I am committing adultery with the wife of one of your father's closest friends. I am committing a crime. I am breaking the laws of this kingdom and betraying your father's trust. I DESERVE to be punished. It is just, is it not?"
"Just?" whispered Irulan softly, her eyes lost in thought.
"Is it not the right thing to do?" said Chemarit softly.
"But......but......." Irulan stammered, her eyes almost glazy with tears now. "I can NOT let you die! I don't care!" she shouted finally. "I LOVE you, Chemarit!"
Chemarit smiled and nodded softly, puffing on his pipe. "Indeed," he whispered a minute later. He turned to look at the little girl standing by his armchair, her white nightgown dirty, spotted with dust and mud here and there; her hair in disarray, her little hands rolled into fists, her eyes burning with anger and determination. "There is your answer," he said with a low voice.
Irulan suddenly looked at him with confusion and a moment later, disbelief followed by astonishment. She looked away again, brows furrowed, her features twisted with the effort of thinking. She slowly shook her head and went back to sit on the floor once more, facing Chemarit, who was still puffing on his pipe, looking into the fire.
She thought about his example over and over again and found nothing to protest to. She would indeed free Chemarit, no matter what the consequences. And even that evil woman of a Lady Ashmat, who was probably the cause for all this in the first place! Seducing her Master like that! 'Maybe she should be executed,' Irulan thought bitterly but then quickly dispensed that idea. 'Chemarit would be heart broken......Ah, let him have that wrench!' She looked back into the fire and sighed softly. "It is like being mad!" she said slowly.
Chemarit chuckled. "More like being sane, Irulan."
"Master?"
"Yes?"
"I don't understand."
Chemarit sighed. "Told you, you have a little brain!"
"But........."
"Irulan!" Chemarit cut her off, and added softly: "You DO understand. You just don't know it, yet. Some day you will meet somebody and you will think with your heart and then everything will make sense."
"What happens when I think with my heart?" she said slowly.
Chemarit turned back to her with a bright grin on his face. "Why, you realize that cliffs are for jumping," he said slowly, "That rules are for breaking, that endless plains are for running, that traditions are for ignoring. You realize that you have been decent, mature, reasonable and careful...and therefore, wasted your entire life, Irulan."
Both did not talk again for a long time. The man was lost in old memories, a sad smile on his face, looking into the fire. The girl was unconsciously playing with her hair, confused and lost in thoughts that seemed to leave her more confused the more she delved in them. A long silence prevailed. Finally Irulan sighed and her voice filled the little cabin once more:
"......He felt his heart melting, his pulse quickening and he felt the urge to embrace her, to kiss her growing in him. She looked back, all her passion laid out before his eyes now. They approached each other......."
***
"I'll take your watch, Legolas. Go sleep," whispered Irulan to his silhouette sitting on the edge of an overhang, his back to her.
He turned with a surprised expression on his face. "Irulan? You should be resting." Legolas was so caught up in his own thoughts that he had not heard Irulan approach. He quickly scanned his surroundings and silently cursed himself. If he did not hear her, his watch was pointless, for he would most probably not hear an approaching danger, either.
Irulan ignored him and went up to sit beside him. Her tunics had dried more or less and she wore them now, but the weather was cool and she decided to keep the elven cloak as well. Legolas, too, was dressed again and he too had his cloak on.
"I am rested. I just woke up," she murmured once she reached his side and sat down next to him.
"How are your dreams?" he said slowly, looking at her in the dim moonlight. Irulan smiled with amusement, "I dreamt of Chemarit today. It was very pleasant," she said softly.
"Then go back to sleep."
"I can't," said Irulan and looked away. Finally she shrugged and said "I have a lot on my mind." Then she turned to him again and added more heartily: "Go, Elf! You have not been getting enough sleep for days now."
"I don't need that much sleep," he replied stiffly.
"Legolas," Irulan said with a tired sigh, "I you know what I mean. Even for your own standards you are not sleeping enough. I haven't seen you eating for a suspiciously long time now, either." Her eyes narrowed and she looked him up and down. "What is going on here?"
A flame of fear hit Legolas and he thanked the relative darkness. "Nothing," he said a moment later and cast a sidelong glance in her direction. "I have a lot on my mind, too." Irulan silently nodded and looked into the distance.
And once again Legolas felt both incredible joy to be sitting with her at this moment, and yet excruciating pain for the distance between them. Their bodies were so close, and yet their races were parted from each other by immeasurable vastness. He felt like cursing and denying everything divine and sacred; everything that had made this world and the beings in it the way they were. If only there was a way...a single way...no matter how uncertain or impossible it would be, he would take it. If it meant going to Mordor a thousand times and facing Sauron barehanded, so be it. If it meant walking back and forth through Middle Earth ten thousands of times, so be it. He was more than ready to do it. But...there was no way. She was parted from him forever.
And how could he expect her to return his feelings when it meant this much pain and suffering? How could he be selfish enough to ask her to go through what he was going through now? Could he indeed be careless enough to expect her to throw away her inner battles, her own concerns, the shadow of a probable death in her heart and just give in to him? Could he be heartless enough to wish her to bid farewell to all that and just cast a single glance in his direction?
And yet...yes, he could. He was cold, selfish, careless, heartless, for he wanted her, no matter what. Even if it meant losing everything and everyone, he wanted her. Even if it meant destruction and ruin for both of them, he wanted her. Even if it meant the burning of Middle Earth, and he was to be the very flame to burn it, he wanted her.
Legolas blinked away the tears and stubbornly told himself that he was only sitting at the edge of a cliff with Irulan, in the middle of nowhere. But no matter how real that might seem, he was going through such torture, he felt as if his body was somewhere else, slowly being ripped apart while his mind remained trapped in this moment. And suddenly the realization of his feelings hit him. And it hit him so unexpectedly; he actually felt his breath sucked from his lungs. What he had been feeling was something that the elves called Grief - the only thing besides a mortal wound that would kill an elf. Grief - the loss of the will to live. His mind went blank for a moment. "Why do I feel this way?" he thought, a little taken aback by the discovery. And the answers rose to his mind like shadows rising towards the surface of a placid, clear lake. "Because I do not wish to live if she will not be with me," he thought slowly. "Because I do not wish to live if I am to be denied her. I would rather die and drift away than live and remain forever apart from her."
Legolas felt oddly relieved. He felt relieved because at least now he knew what he was facing. "I was right after all," he thought with sick amusement, "I AM dying." The idea was so stupefying that he could think of nothing further. He did not doubt his feelings for an instant, for every elf knew when Grief overtook him or her. He knew that he was withering, very much like a plant. From the outside the plant was green and alive, and it would be very much so for perhaps many days, or even weeks yet. But inside, the plant was dying. Something very strange was happening in its intricate existence, and its physical form was helpless to interfere or reverse it. The body of the plant was powerless and would obey it - it would follow the laid path and slowly die, too. And very much in the same fashion, Legolas too was drifting away from life. For he saw no hope. He knew that Irulan would not grant him the blessing of being with her, much less return his feelings. And he also knew that as long as she denied him, there was no difference in being here with her or being thousands of miles away from her. He would die of the agonizing longing for her either way.
He thought about the mission. He thought about the Ring. He thought about Middle Earth. But inside, he felt no interest in any of these ideas. As important as they may be, his wish for Irulan was a radiant glare that blinded him from everything else. He understood now that he was not here for the quest any longer. He was here because Irulan was here. He was not fighting for the rescue of the world. He was fighting to protect her. He tried to feel ashamed...or angry. But he felt only acceptance. He felt himself giving in to a far greater power than himself and feeling nothing but relief for doing so. He was elf no more. He was man no more. He was not three thousand years old. No Prince. No warrior. No cunning hunter. Not brave, bold, headstrong. Not mature, smart, calculating. Not reasonable, not calm or determined. He was only in love.
Legolas felt the confusion and distraction blinding him for days slowly lift off his eyes. He silently accepted his destiny and in return, was blessed with the long lost inner peace. He loved Irulan. She did not love him. He could not be with her. He would die with the longing. Suddenly it all became very clear and simple. The heat of his torment was no more. He had bowed down to his fate and instead of struggling with this roaming river, he had let go. He had decided to float, to let the river take him to wherever it was he was meant to go. In his heart, Legolas had accepted death.
Legolas sighed softly and Irulan, who had been drifting in her own thoughts, came back to the moment. His sigh sounded like pure relief and surrender. She turned to him and tried to read his face in the dim light. The elf, who had been watching the dark sky himself, turned to look back at her then with the most beautiful smile. It was so sincere and soft, she could not help herself smiling back. His eyes had an odd appearance...almost as if they were wet and sparkling softly. His beauty was overwhelming and his presence, comfort itself. Irulan had always admired the elves for being what they were. But more and more she realized that she admired Legolas for the little things that had nothing to do with his elvish qualities. He slowly reached out and took her hand into his, his eyes never leaving hers. Irulan did not look away herself, oddly stupefied and amused by the moment. She let him enclose his warm fingers around her cold hand and very gently pull it out from her lap towards him. Legolas, still looking into her eyes with that sad and yet piercing blue gaze, folded his other hand on hers, as well.
"Irulan..." he whispered, still not looking away and his smile ever so slightly deepening. And hearing her name whispered by him like that, Irulan felt her heart beating faster, although she had no idea as to why. She felt strangely enchanted by his voice, his looks, the silence of the night, the distant crackling of the fire and the elusive warmth it was casting on their backs, by the beautiful night sky and the ever so slightly howling wind, scraping on the rocks.
"...I love you."
***
"I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times, in life after life, in age after age forever."
Rabindranath Tagore
Now...chapter about love coming up. And I am very seriously asking all of you to take a minute to walk up to that stereo of yours and put in your most favorite love song that will play during the entire reading of the below chapter. Knowing what is coming up, I would suggest nothing too pop, and a trifle sad. I wrote it to old songs like Roxette's "Things will never be the same", Tori Amos' "1000 Oceans" and "The Etienne Trilogy" and especially Alannah Miles' "Song instead of a kiss". That one, you should really listen to. Music adds a lot to the writing and creating that certain mood will definitely help to understand the feelings I desperately tried to establish in this part. Seriously....put in the CD first.
"..........and so he turned to her and looked into her crystal blue eyes. He felt his heart melting, his pulse quickening and he felt the urge to embrace her, to kiss her growing in him. She looked back, all her passion laid out before his eyes now. They approached each other......- Master, I really think I shouldn't read the rest of this!"
Chemarit was sitting in his only armchair by the fire that was the only source of light in the dark room, and looking into the flames, one hand on a wine bottle, the other on his pipe. He looked startled at her comment and turned to look at her with open annoyance.
"Read it, read it!" he waved with the pipe in her direction.
Irulan rolled her eyes. "I really can not. It is......." she looked at the book on her lap and then back up, "indecent!" she chirped.
"Huh?" said Chemarit and looked down at her.
"Indecent I say!" said Irulan again. "She is his BROTHER's wife!"
A long moment passed during which Chemarit obviously fought down the irritation of his pleasure being interrupted once again with nonsense. "So?" he said finally, still puffing on his pipe.
"So?!" repeated Irulan with disbelief. "SO?!" She looked down at the book again with distaste on her face. "That is so WRONG!" she said, a trifle too loud maybe.
Chemarit sighed and muttered (probably cursed). "Irulan! Don't be silly. The man is IN LOVE!" When she did not reply with one of her high pitched protests again, he turned to look down at her. The little girl was sitting on the only rug on the floor, her legs crossed, the big volume laid across her lap. She had an almost angry look on her face.
"So?" said Irulan, mimicking him, with a low voice.
Chemarit threw up his hands. "Irulan! IN LOVE! That means he can do EVERYTHING. He has permission!"
"Permission?" said Irulan, slightly cocking her head with disbelief.
Chemarit nodded heartily and took another gulp from the bottle.
"By whom?"
"By Life, you stupid girl! By Nature."
Irulan shook her little head. "Master, what about decency? What about vows? Sacred bonds? That evil snake of a woman.....-" Chemarit gave her a sour look and she halted for a moment, "....I mean....that woman has promised another. His BROTHER, for Heaven's sake! Does that hold no value?"
"Not against love," he said matter-of-factly and waved her argument away. "Now continue."
"But..........."
"Irulan!"
"And whatever happened to the friendship? They were friends just pages ago and then he is in LOVE? This book is really stupid. Even the one last week made more sense than this."
"What is there not to understand?! They are still friends but also they love each other," bit Chemarit. His eyes took a glazy look after that and the smiled towards the fire.
"Yuck!" said Irulan. "Are you saying........Yuck! I have friends too, and I would NEVER.......kiss......any of them!" she yelled, and wiped her mouth with the back of her arm as if she had, an expression of disgust on her face.
Chemarit was watching her with open amusement on his face. "Irulan, how many times do I need to say........not even the fiercest warrior can win against love. I don't care if he's her brother himself!"
Irulan's eyes widened incredibly at that remark and her mouth fell open. Chemarit boomed with laughter and she jumped up at that sound, despite herself. She threw the book from her lap and jumped to her feet. "That's disgusting Chemarit! I was being serious!"
"Alright, alright!" he wheezed minutes later, tears streaming down his face. "Just read, read!"
She remained standing though, and crossed her arms stubbornly. "I will........but you must explain first."
Chemarit sighed and threw up his hands again, "I explained it to you! So many times! You have a thick skull and a small brain!"
Irulan pushed up her chin and continued to stare at him coldly. "Well.......that makes two of us!" she said in a cold voice. "Explain again!"
Chemarit threw another sour look in her direction but knowing that he had no other choice, finally sighed and gave in to her. "Irulan. When you are in LOVE, you do not think with your brain any longer. You think with your heart." He scratched his chin lazily, looking away and desperately thinking of another way to approach the subject. "You love me, don't you?" he said suddenly.
"Not all the time," said Irulan, throwing a poisonous look in his direction.
"You love me," he said and waved her argument away. "But you see.......you shouldn't."
Irulan's mouth dropped open. "Why the heck not?"
"Well.......one thing......I am an addict......" -he held up his pipe- ".....I am a drunkard......." -he held up the bottle in his other hand- "....I am a thief....." -he pointed with his head towards the table that was standing in the corner of the room. On it was a plate with the leftovers of a grilled chicken- "...I don't listen to your father -he is a KING, mind you-, I like INDECENT ideas......." he broke off, looking at her confused face with a grin. He puffed on his pipe for a few moments while Irulan's little brain raced over what he just said and -by the horror on her face- found nothing to object to.
"So.........." he said with amusement a long moment later, "why do you love me?"
A long silence followed. Finally Irulan said "That's different!" Chemarit rolled his eyes and took another gulp from the bottle.
"Alright. Let us assume that I get caught stealing a chicken," said Chemarit, stubbornly determined to get his point across. "No........forget the chicken. Let's say......." he frowned for a moment and then his face beamed up, "Let's say I fall in love with Lady Ashmat."
"Lady ASHMAT?" repeated Irulan with astonishment. "The wife of Lord Celethion of House Paman?"
"Yes! The very lady!"
"But......"
Chemarit waved his pipe, "Let us just ASSUME!" Irulan's features twisted with the need to object, but she remained silent. "I am in love and so is she and we run off." He glanced at the impatient expression on her face. "But we get caught.........by your father," he said slowly and watched her frown slightly. "Now we are in the dungeons, your father mercilessly whipping us to death, we are hanging there by the very last thread of our lives and.........."
"Chemarit! My father has no dungeons and he most certainly would not whip you," she interrupted, knowing he would go on dramatizing and lose himself in the tale if she did not.
"Oh.........alright" said Chemarit, a little stupefied. "But anyway, let us say he put us in a chamber and we will be executed the next morning!"
"Executed?" Irulan yelped.
"Do you think they would hit our palms with a stick a couple of times and let us go?" Irulan thought about that for a moment and decided not to object after all. "Executed! First the first light of dawn we will be dragged to the center of the town, our clothes torn, our bodies bruised, desperately trying to touch each other one last time.......we reach out and struggle in desperation but the guards kick us back.........and I want to tell her so much that I love her but......."
"Master!" growled Irulan.
"Alright, alright! No patience, Irulan! Your greatest weakness!" he mumbled. "We will be executed. But........" he said and grinned slyly in her direction again. "........you are the princess of the castle. You have the key to the chamber!" he whispered and leaned over to the girl who stood by his chair but did not see him leaning towards her, for she was lost in the imagination of the moment.
"Tell me Irulan," said Chemarit very slowly, "what would you do?"
"Why, I would free you of course!" she said immediately with a tinge of anger. "What a stupid question!"
"Really?"
"REALLY?" snorted Irulan, mimicking him. "You bet, old man! NO ONE executes my Master! Errr......can we leave Lady Ashmat behind?"
"No, but forget about her now. Tell me, why would you save us?"
"Wha......What do you mean?" she shouted with utter disbelief. A moment passed in silence. "I can't believe you ask me that," she mumbled with disappointment. "You doubt me!"
"I don't doubt you, stupid girl! You doubt yourself!" Irulan stared back at him in defiance. "Irulan, I am committing adultery with the wife of one of your father's closest friends. I am committing a crime. I am breaking the laws of this kingdom and betraying your father's trust. I DESERVE to be punished. It is just, is it not?"
"Just?" whispered Irulan softly, her eyes lost in thought.
"Is it not the right thing to do?" said Chemarit softly.
"But......but......." Irulan stammered, her eyes almost glazy with tears now. "I can NOT let you die! I don't care!" she shouted finally. "I LOVE you, Chemarit!"
Chemarit smiled and nodded softly, puffing on his pipe. "Indeed," he whispered a minute later. He turned to look at the little girl standing by his armchair, her white nightgown dirty, spotted with dust and mud here and there; her hair in disarray, her little hands rolled into fists, her eyes burning with anger and determination. "There is your answer," he said with a low voice.
Irulan suddenly looked at him with confusion and a moment later, disbelief followed by astonishment. She looked away again, brows furrowed, her features twisted with the effort of thinking. She slowly shook her head and went back to sit on the floor once more, facing Chemarit, who was still puffing on his pipe, looking into the fire.
She thought about his example over and over again and found nothing to protest to. She would indeed free Chemarit, no matter what the consequences. And even that evil woman of a Lady Ashmat, who was probably the cause for all this in the first place! Seducing her Master like that! 'Maybe she should be executed,' Irulan thought bitterly but then quickly dispensed that idea. 'Chemarit would be heart broken......Ah, let him have that wrench!' She looked back into the fire and sighed softly. "It is like being mad!" she said slowly.
Chemarit chuckled. "More like being sane, Irulan."
"Master?"
"Yes?"
"I don't understand."
Chemarit sighed. "Told you, you have a little brain!"
"But........."
"Irulan!" Chemarit cut her off, and added softly: "You DO understand. You just don't know it, yet. Some day you will meet somebody and you will think with your heart and then everything will make sense."
"What happens when I think with my heart?" she said slowly.
Chemarit turned back to her with a bright grin on his face. "Why, you realize that cliffs are for jumping," he said slowly, "That rules are for breaking, that endless plains are for running, that traditions are for ignoring. You realize that you have been decent, mature, reasonable and careful...and therefore, wasted your entire life, Irulan."
Both did not talk again for a long time. The man was lost in old memories, a sad smile on his face, looking into the fire. The girl was unconsciously playing with her hair, confused and lost in thoughts that seemed to leave her more confused the more she delved in them. A long silence prevailed. Finally Irulan sighed and her voice filled the little cabin once more:
"......He felt his heart melting, his pulse quickening and he felt the urge to embrace her, to kiss her growing in him. She looked back, all her passion laid out before his eyes now. They approached each other......."
***
"I'll take your watch, Legolas. Go sleep," whispered Irulan to his silhouette sitting on the edge of an overhang, his back to her.
He turned with a surprised expression on his face. "Irulan? You should be resting." Legolas was so caught up in his own thoughts that he had not heard Irulan approach. He quickly scanned his surroundings and silently cursed himself. If he did not hear her, his watch was pointless, for he would most probably not hear an approaching danger, either.
Irulan ignored him and went up to sit beside him. Her tunics had dried more or less and she wore them now, but the weather was cool and she decided to keep the elven cloak as well. Legolas, too, was dressed again and he too had his cloak on.
"I am rested. I just woke up," she murmured once she reached his side and sat down next to him.
"How are your dreams?" he said slowly, looking at her in the dim moonlight. Irulan smiled with amusement, "I dreamt of Chemarit today. It was very pleasant," she said softly.
"Then go back to sleep."
"I can't," said Irulan and looked away. Finally she shrugged and said "I have a lot on my mind." Then she turned to him again and added more heartily: "Go, Elf! You have not been getting enough sleep for days now."
"I don't need that much sleep," he replied stiffly.
"Legolas," Irulan said with a tired sigh, "I you know what I mean. Even for your own standards you are not sleeping enough. I haven't seen you eating for a suspiciously long time now, either." Her eyes narrowed and she looked him up and down. "What is going on here?"
A flame of fear hit Legolas and he thanked the relative darkness. "Nothing," he said a moment later and cast a sidelong glance in her direction. "I have a lot on my mind, too." Irulan silently nodded and looked into the distance.
And once again Legolas felt both incredible joy to be sitting with her at this moment, and yet excruciating pain for the distance between them. Their bodies were so close, and yet their races were parted from each other by immeasurable vastness. He felt like cursing and denying everything divine and sacred; everything that had made this world and the beings in it the way they were. If only there was a way...a single way...no matter how uncertain or impossible it would be, he would take it. If it meant going to Mordor a thousand times and facing Sauron barehanded, so be it. If it meant walking back and forth through Middle Earth ten thousands of times, so be it. He was more than ready to do it. But...there was no way. She was parted from him forever.
And how could he expect her to return his feelings when it meant this much pain and suffering? How could he be selfish enough to ask her to go through what he was going through now? Could he indeed be careless enough to expect her to throw away her inner battles, her own concerns, the shadow of a probable death in her heart and just give in to him? Could he be heartless enough to wish her to bid farewell to all that and just cast a single glance in his direction?
And yet...yes, he could. He was cold, selfish, careless, heartless, for he wanted her, no matter what. Even if it meant losing everything and everyone, he wanted her. Even if it meant destruction and ruin for both of them, he wanted her. Even if it meant the burning of Middle Earth, and he was to be the very flame to burn it, he wanted her.
Legolas blinked away the tears and stubbornly told himself that he was only sitting at the edge of a cliff with Irulan, in the middle of nowhere. But no matter how real that might seem, he was going through such torture, he felt as if his body was somewhere else, slowly being ripped apart while his mind remained trapped in this moment. And suddenly the realization of his feelings hit him. And it hit him so unexpectedly; he actually felt his breath sucked from his lungs. What he had been feeling was something that the elves called Grief - the only thing besides a mortal wound that would kill an elf. Grief - the loss of the will to live. His mind went blank for a moment. "Why do I feel this way?" he thought, a little taken aback by the discovery. And the answers rose to his mind like shadows rising towards the surface of a placid, clear lake. "Because I do not wish to live if she will not be with me," he thought slowly. "Because I do not wish to live if I am to be denied her. I would rather die and drift away than live and remain forever apart from her."
Legolas felt oddly relieved. He felt relieved because at least now he knew what he was facing. "I was right after all," he thought with sick amusement, "I AM dying." The idea was so stupefying that he could think of nothing further. He did not doubt his feelings for an instant, for every elf knew when Grief overtook him or her. He knew that he was withering, very much like a plant. From the outside the plant was green and alive, and it would be very much so for perhaps many days, or even weeks yet. But inside, the plant was dying. Something very strange was happening in its intricate existence, and its physical form was helpless to interfere or reverse it. The body of the plant was powerless and would obey it - it would follow the laid path and slowly die, too. And very much in the same fashion, Legolas too was drifting away from life. For he saw no hope. He knew that Irulan would not grant him the blessing of being with her, much less return his feelings. And he also knew that as long as she denied him, there was no difference in being here with her or being thousands of miles away from her. He would die of the agonizing longing for her either way.
He thought about the mission. He thought about the Ring. He thought about Middle Earth. But inside, he felt no interest in any of these ideas. As important as they may be, his wish for Irulan was a radiant glare that blinded him from everything else. He understood now that he was not here for the quest any longer. He was here because Irulan was here. He was not fighting for the rescue of the world. He was fighting to protect her. He tried to feel ashamed...or angry. But he felt only acceptance. He felt himself giving in to a far greater power than himself and feeling nothing but relief for doing so. He was elf no more. He was man no more. He was not three thousand years old. No Prince. No warrior. No cunning hunter. Not brave, bold, headstrong. Not mature, smart, calculating. Not reasonable, not calm or determined. He was only in love.
Legolas felt the confusion and distraction blinding him for days slowly lift off his eyes. He silently accepted his destiny and in return, was blessed with the long lost inner peace. He loved Irulan. She did not love him. He could not be with her. He would die with the longing. Suddenly it all became very clear and simple. The heat of his torment was no more. He had bowed down to his fate and instead of struggling with this roaming river, he had let go. He had decided to float, to let the river take him to wherever it was he was meant to go. In his heart, Legolas had accepted death.
Legolas sighed softly and Irulan, who had been drifting in her own thoughts, came back to the moment. His sigh sounded like pure relief and surrender. She turned to him and tried to read his face in the dim light. The elf, who had been watching the dark sky himself, turned to look back at her then with the most beautiful smile. It was so sincere and soft, she could not help herself smiling back. His eyes had an odd appearance...almost as if they were wet and sparkling softly. His beauty was overwhelming and his presence, comfort itself. Irulan had always admired the elves for being what they were. But more and more she realized that she admired Legolas for the little things that had nothing to do with his elvish qualities. He slowly reached out and took her hand into his, his eyes never leaving hers. Irulan did not look away herself, oddly stupefied and amused by the moment. She let him enclose his warm fingers around her cold hand and very gently pull it out from her lap towards him. Legolas, still looking into her eyes with that sad and yet piercing blue gaze, folded his other hand on hers, as well.
"Irulan..." he whispered, still not looking away and his smile ever so slightly deepening. And hearing her name whispered by him like that, Irulan felt her heart beating faster, although she had no idea as to why. She felt strangely enchanted by his voice, his looks, the silence of the night, the distant crackling of the fire and the elusive warmth it was casting on their backs, by the beautiful night sky and the ever so slightly howling wind, scraping on the rocks.
"...I love you."
***
"I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times, in life after life, in age after age forever."
Rabindranath Tagore