The romance in this story is truly taking hold of me. I meant to pass these
parts much faster, but once I sat down to write, not expressing the
feelings of these two people with the depth it deserved seemed to be a very
bad idea. After all, it is what the whole story is about. So, bear with me
through this my amazing readers. I can only find relief in the fact that
I'm not the only one whose feelings are torn apart by a matter of words,
here! Yes, that's how pathetic I can be!
Basil and Spencer, thanks for the grammatical notes. Keep warning me. I'll be returning to former chapters, correcting as many as I can find. Le Vagor, I am truly scared and that fear has inspired the twisted chapter below. For all those who actually downloaded the songs and read the part along with them - my sincere thanks. It DOES make a difference. This chapter was written to Marillion's amazing "Lavender" and especially to "Hold On To My Heart" by WASP.
Tara, evenstar, mae Noelle, shakiya, scene eleven, dinathiel, Egyptian queen, mystic elf, rya, crystal and ALL the others! Although it means not much when repeated so often, I still truly and deeply THANK YOU.
Irulan stopped breathing. A sudden feeling of a paralyzed world crashed onto her. For a moment a part of her brain thought she had seriously Shifted and stood in the void. Where else could she exist in utter silence, movement; without thought and feeling? But it was only a fleeting idea crossing her mind and soon departed again.
Very slowly she exhaled and as the breath left her body, sound and movement returned to the world as well. The fire was still crackling, the wind still howling, it was still chilly and the breeze was softly playing with Legolas' blonde hair, lifting single strands very slightly and gently lowering them back. She could also feel her hand still enclosed in his warm hands and she could most certainly hear her own heart that was beating frantically; pulling and pushing the blood in her veins with such force that it made her dizzy.
Legolas' smile became even more beautiful and wide and then he gently turned away, freed one of his hands and placed it on his lap, but made no attempt to free the other one as well; and finally remained smiling into the distance. He actually looked content and peaceful. Irulan felt like he had passed on something from himself moments ago to her and, being finally free of it, reached tranquility, unaware that Irulan had lost all concepts of harmony and peace right beside him.
She blinked and swallowed softly, then took another deep breath. She looked down at their hands and battled with the idea of snatching hers back instantly. Then she looked up at Legolas again, and seeing him still lost in thought, she felt unable to break the moment. The whole situation was so odd, that she was literally afraid of taking a step and ending up with devastating results. She desperately wished him to do something, to say something so that she could break free and reply to it. But he remained as he was, and so did she.
Irulan closed her eyes for a moment and tried to calm herself. 'Maybe I am dreaming' she thought suddenly. The whole event was weird enough.........it might very well be a dream. A spark of hope appeared in her, but soon died out with the settling realization that this was no dream. 'Maybe I misheard him' she thought then, but unfortunately had to discard that idea too. But Irulan was a complete coward and embarrassingly naive when it came to feelings, so she continued to look for explanations instead of turning around and looking truth in the face. 'Maybe......maybe he just meant.......the whole thing in a..........friendly way. You know.......melloni.....' she thought and that idea seemed to be promising. 'Most probably! He is an elf, for Heaven's sake! Who knows what he was thinking about and then suddenly he was glad that I was here with him and he meant 'I really like you Irulan' and.....-' Irulan felt like crying when her senses once again took that option and threw it off the window. She knew Legolas too well by now to fool herself with something like that.
'He can in all possibility not really LOVE me!' she thought suddenly, deciding to reason herself out of this, instead of fooling herself with interpretations. 'Why.......we all went through so much these last days......he is confused. He is an elf, he is of delicate nature...-'
'Delicate nature?' echoed her amused alter ego's voice. Irulan gulped with fear. Not that voice again! It will ruin everything!
'Hush you idiot!'
'Irulan, stop it. You should know by now that you can not hush me to silence. He is an elf, true, which means he thinks before speaking -unlike you, by the way- and he knows EXACTLY what he is feeling. He is older and more experienced than you'll ever be. I assume he is fully aware of his feelings,' it said. Irulan felt like moving just a little bit forward and letting herself glide down the cliff.
'Shut up!' she hissed back silently. 'He can NOT love me. Anything makes more sense than that.'
'As much as I agree that the elf has no taste in women, I think you are very wrong in the matter, Irulan.'
'You don't understand!' she went on almost pleadingly, 'I am........LOOK AT ME! I am nothing! I am no princess, no Darma Druid, no girl, no hero! I am a failure in all of those things!'
'Yes, I know that. But your point is?'
'Alright. LOOK AT HIM! He is this......this marvelous creature. An elf! A prince! A warrior! A hero! He is the complete opposite of me. He is this majestic being, ever successful and graceful in everything he does. He can not love ME!'
'Obviously he is so marvelous and incredible that he can actually manage to love someone like you,' the voice hissed and went silent.
Irulan could not think of anything to say for a moment after that. She looked up at Legolas again, but he had not changed his posture. 'What will I do? What will I do? What will I do?' she thought desperately and felt like crying.
"Legolas," she said finally, unable to overcome the feelings in her alone, any longer. Forget about letting go, she actually felt like clasping his hand with both of hers now and even jumping on his lap, in hope that he will rescue her from this dreadful situation. He turned to look at her, still that serene expression and a slight smile on his face, and she instantly forgot what she wanted to say. Just minutes ago his presence was such a comfort. Just moments ago it had been so easy to talk to him. But suddenly he had become the source of such anxiety and confusion that she could not bring herself to utter a single word.
He looked at her for a long time and then very slightly lowered his head and arched his eyebrows, still looking at her. When she still would not answer he finally said "Yes Irulan?" with a soft voice. Irulan almost moaned with desperation. She wanted to say so many things, but none seemed right. And she could not find her voice anyway. 'What the hell is happening to me?!' she thought with frustration. She looked down and glanced at the dark abyss beneath her dangling feet again. A little bit towards the front.......and this whole thing would end. Another soft breeze flew by them and she felt coolness on her back. Obviously she had been sweating - in this cold weather! She could not help to shudder with the icy touch.
"Irulan, are you well?" she heard Legolas say and he did indeed sound concerned. 'Am I well!?' she thought bitterly, 'Sure, why not? Spit something like that at my face and then expect me to be well!' Anger exploded in her for his insensitiveness, and then was swiftly brushed away by confusion, which was followed by desperation and yet again replaced by anger. Irulan closed her eyes again. 'I am dying for sure,' she thought, 'there is no way I can endure this torture!'
"Irulan?" said Legolas again and although she did not look up, she could feel him shifting slightly to see her face.
"Legolas, you can not possibly love me," she said finally, and even though her voice was hoarse and raw, at least it was a complete and coherent statement. She even congratulated herself silently for the unbelievable success of finally speaking up. There was a moment of silence and Irulan could hear her heart again beating like crazy. 'Why am I being anxious about his reply?' she thought suddenly, annoyed, 'It does not matter what he says. I know that he can not love me.'
"But I do," said Legolas very softly and it sounded as if she had just said 'Legolas, the sky is green,' and he had turned around and said 'But it is blue'. Irulan felt like crying out loud and leaping to her feet and running off. She was pretty sure that at this moment she would be capable of running at a speed that would take her into the camp of the Uruk-hai in less than an hour.
"You can't!" she said finally and it came out with something like 'impatient whining'.
"Irulan, look at me," Legolas said suddenly with a determined voice.
"No," she said, and turned her head towards the dark yawn of the abyss. She felt like she was a little girl again and damn that elf for that!
Legolas sighed softly. She felt him let go of her hand and grateful for that, she hastily snatched it back to her lap. He would probably get up now and leave and this would remain as a weird and disturbing memory, which would fade with the first light of dawn. Suddenly she felt his hand on the crook of her neck and she could swear that her heart exploded at his touch. The sensation of his gentle fingers on her neck, slightly brushing her ear, and the warmness of his palm against her cheek was devastating. He slowly turned her face towards him, and although Irulan was determined not to look, she could do nothing but obey the spell he had put on her.
Legolas was sitting very close to her. Actually he had not moved closer, but to Irulan the distance seemed suddenly too diminished. He was slightly leaning forward which made him even closer to her and she felt like tilting back a little to regain the space to breathe again. Needless to say that she was devoid of the ability to move at the moment. He smiled again and softly caressed her cheek with his thumb, not removing his hand from her neck. "Irulan," he whispered deftly, "I DO love you. NEVER doubt that." A moment passed during which she frantically tried to recover her voice.
"Legolas," she said and felt another soft brush of anger. She desperately hung to that feeling, for it was the only thing she had at the moment. Finally she managed to move again and softly jerked her head back, freeing herself from his touch. But to her surprise, he did not look hurt or disappointed at all. He smiled again and simply took her hand once more. Irulan could only look down in horror as her hand disappeared in his, and she once again could do nothing to stop it.
She swallowed softly and decided to continue while she still had the voice and the heart for it. "Legolas, you can't," she said with a firmer voice and glanced at him to see the effect. He seemed so unaffected by it that for a moment she thought she had not said it out loud. "I know what you think," she stammered and that was a big lie. She did not have the slightest clue as to what he was thinking or feeling. Legolas had become a complete stranger to her in a matter of moments. "But.......it is.......it.........Legolas, you must stop," she finished.
"Stop what, Irulan?"
"Stop yourself!" she said with frustration, once again not knowing what she was talking about, but desperate to say something.
Legolas sighed softly again and, losing nothing from his peaceful appearance, said "Alas, but I can not."
"Yes you can! Legolas, do something!"
A slight confusion and amusement washed over his features and Irulan once again felt like a little child. Yet, the words were spilling out of her now and she lacked the control over them.
"What would you like me to do?" he said very slowly, his eyes never leaving hers.
"Gather your wits!" she whined.
"I'm afraid they have forsaken me for good, Irulan" he said, still amused.
"We must do something! You are not yourself!" said Irulan suddenly, convinced that something had happened to him.
Legolas chuckled lightly. "I'm more myself than I have been for a very long time now," he said and brought up his other hand to slightly caress hers. A long moment passed during which Irulan felt all sense leaving her with his soft touches on the back of her hand.
"Irulan," he said then and looked up at her again, "I know this must be discomforting for you. I am sorry for that. I did not mean to upset you. But I wanted you to know."
"Legolas, maybe you are wrong?" said Irulan and she sounded truly hopeful.
He chuckled again. "No."
"Maybe you are confused?"
"No, Irulan."
"Legolas," she said again and brought up her other hand to massage her face, "this is definitely the worst time."
"I know," he said, and for the first time, sounded sad.
"How on earth will you kill me?" she said suddenly and her heart stopped at the realization that she had actually said that. She looked up at him in horror and he was staring back at her with a shocked expression.
"I will do no such thing," he whispered very slowly.
A cold fear gripped her. She had trusted them to spare her this pain, but Legolas would not help her! What was she supposed to do?! Whom else could she trust? "I will fall," she said, a cold fire creeping into her voice.
"Then you will take me with you," he said and his eyes bore into hers. Irulan's eyes widened with fear and shock. For a moment an image reached out to her - a vision of her hacking left and right and Legolas standing before her, his bow limp in his hand, not moving, not running. Until she whirled her staff and...Irulan gasped in horror and shuddered. She instantly snatched back her hand. Another wave of anger hit her, this time stronger. 'How can he torture me like this?' she thought bitterly, 'How can he say that, knowing that I have no other option? Knowing that I can not prevent it!'
"How can you say that?" she spat in disbelief.
Legolas looked away into the distance once more. She could see his sadness and grief, and a part of her understood that her insensitivity must indeed by very painful for him. And yet another part of her was far more scared of hurting him physically then hurting him emotionally.
"I am sorry Irulan, forgive me," he said finally with sincerity. "It was selfish of me to expect you to understand my feelings. I know you don't feel the same way."
Just as instantly as anger had burst in her, in very much the same fashion it disappeared. Once again she was left speechless and utterly confused. Legolas turned towards her again and his gaze was piercingly intense. "I would do ANYTHING for you, Irulan. But what you ask, is beyond me. I will not lie to you......it is not possible for me to slay you. And it is not possible for me to stand aside to watch, either." He once again leaned forward with desperation and took her hand. Irulan stiffened slightly, but did not stop him. The touch seemed to soothe him. He remained silent for a moment, and when he looked up again, he was serene once more.
"Have you ever watched the wind blowing over the rich grass in valleys?" he said suddenly. Irulan did not answer, for he seemed lost in a distant memory and it was not a real question. "I have stood for hours to watch. It is such an intoxicating sight. Some say it looks like the sea," he said and looked at her again. Irulan had seen the sea and she knew that Legolas had not. Yet, the Call of the Sea was engraved in every elf and they would all obey sooner or later. It was something that mortals would never understand. It was a pull beyond anything, and it would ooze all elves out of Middle Earth like oozing the life out of a body. None was capable of resisting it. 'And this quest will just seal that end' she thought once more bitterly. Legolas, though, was swept away with the memory, his gaze once again searching the distant horizon.
"I would not know. But it has a magic to it, Irulan. The warm breeze gliding through the valley, carrying so many various scents. The scent of animals. Scent of their feelings, like fear or lust. Scent of flowers and fruits.....gliding over the grass like a touch. And the grass, bending to that touch - almost with pleasure. Bowing, gliding, swishing. It almost sounds like a sigh, both sad and joyful. I watched it so many times......and yet, each time......I see an intimacy in it. A yearning, a passion. Things of such different nature, united in a touch." He turned back to her and smiled at her expression. Irulan was completely engulfed by his voice, by his memory. She could swear she was standing next to him in that valley, watching it happen.
"It looks so ordinary, but......I see so much in it. And there were times when I thought, 'tis only air. It can not be seen, nor heard. It is so ethereal; it has no hand, no fingers, no will to bend the grass. And it feels so soft to the skin, so fragile. Yet.....this ethereal and subtle element shakes the solid one and shapes it without the slightest resistance."
Legolas pulled her hand towards him again and once again enclosed it in his. "You are like that wind, Irulan. I have no say in this. I will follow you, wherever you go and I will bend to your will. For you have touched me in such an intimate way, I can never be what I was before. My heart will forever yearn for you, again and again."
It was only then that Irulan realized that she was crumbling. She could not explain the feeling in her with another word. She felt like the wind of that valley had actually blown through her cracks and she was falling apart, scattering like a figure made of ash. She was falling apart. Or rather, what she had built all this time, and thought of as stone, was falling apart, surrendering to a soft, gentle draft. She was a Darma Druid. She was on the most important quest in Middle Earth. She was about to die in a matter of days. The people she loved most would have to kill her. And yet, suddenly it did not matter.
In her mind, Irulan was standing hand in hand with Legolas in a valley. Majestic rocky hills were surrounding it and the valley itself was stretching far into the distant horizon. They were standing in the middle of it. Waist-high grass was surrounding them and covering the whole valley, its gorgeous and rich lime green a dashing contrast with the bluish white rocks looming above them. The sun was setting and bleeding ever so softly on both the grass and the high and steep cliffs. She could smell the sharp scent of the grass that spoke of life. A warm breeze came over them, then, and she could almost feel it coming from the end of the valley, from the farthest distance. She heard the sighing and gasping of the grass and she felt her hair softly lifting; soft, invisible fingers combing through it. She could feel Legolas beside her, the touch of their hands almost bewildering. She closed her eyes and felt such deep peace and contentment, that she felt like she had to release these sensations by crying. Everything before this very minute and everything that lay after this moment was of no importance. This moment would stretch for all eternity, for it was a part of her and she would find her way back to it whenever she needed to.
Legolas smiled down at her and he was the most beautiful thing that had ever drawn breath on this world. "Irulan...." he said and it sounded exactly like the sigh of the grass. She felt him touching her cheek, wiping away a tear that she didn't know she had shed. But in the overwhelming awe of her feelings, she did not move. Even when he leaned in closer to her, she did not blink. Her mind was suspended, her whole being elevated to somewhere beyond her grasp. She should feel afraid; she should feel helpless, or desperate. Yet she felt none of those things, for Legolas was with her. And Legolas leaned further and further, until their faces were so close, she could feel his warm and faint breath in the cool air. Yet she did not, could not move. Even when his lips touched hers and her body responded with a burst of fire, she could not move. Even when he kissed her she felt unable of doing anything else but receiving that kiss like the shore receives the glide of waves, like leaves receive the touch of the sun, like the earth receives the cool kiss of raindrops. It felt as right and natural and welcome as those things.
Through portico of my elegant house you stalk
With your wild furies, disturbing garlands of fruit
And the fabulous lutes and peacocks, rending the net
Of all decorum which holds the whirlwind back.
Now, rich order of walls is fallen; rooks croak
Above the appalling ruin; in bleak light
Of your stormy eye, magic takes flight
Like a daunted witch, quitting castle when real days break.
Fractured pillars frame prospects of rock;
While you stand heroic in coat and tie, I sit
Composed in Grecian tunic and psyche-knot,
Rooted to your black look, the play turned tragic:
With such blight wrought on our bankrupt estate,
What ceremony of words can patch the havoc?
Sylvia Plath - Conversation Among the Ruins
Basil and Spencer, thanks for the grammatical notes. Keep warning me. I'll be returning to former chapters, correcting as many as I can find. Le Vagor, I am truly scared and that fear has inspired the twisted chapter below. For all those who actually downloaded the songs and read the part along with them - my sincere thanks. It DOES make a difference. This chapter was written to Marillion's amazing "Lavender" and especially to "Hold On To My Heart" by WASP.
Tara, evenstar, mae Noelle, shakiya, scene eleven, dinathiel, Egyptian queen, mystic elf, rya, crystal and ALL the others! Although it means not much when repeated so often, I still truly and deeply THANK YOU.
Irulan stopped breathing. A sudden feeling of a paralyzed world crashed onto her. For a moment a part of her brain thought she had seriously Shifted and stood in the void. Where else could she exist in utter silence, movement; without thought and feeling? But it was only a fleeting idea crossing her mind and soon departed again.
Very slowly she exhaled and as the breath left her body, sound and movement returned to the world as well. The fire was still crackling, the wind still howling, it was still chilly and the breeze was softly playing with Legolas' blonde hair, lifting single strands very slightly and gently lowering them back. She could also feel her hand still enclosed in his warm hands and she could most certainly hear her own heart that was beating frantically; pulling and pushing the blood in her veins with such force that it made her dizzy.
Legolas' smile became even more beautiful and wide and then he gently turned away, freed one of his hands and placed it on his lap, but made no attempt to free the other one as well; and finally remained smiling into the distance. He actually looked content and peaceful. Irulan felt like he had passed on something from himself moments ago to her and, being finally free of it, reached tranquility, unaware that Irulan had lost all concepts of harmony and peace right beside him.
She blinked and swallowed softly, then took another deep breath. She looked down at their hands and battled with the idea of snatching hers back instantly. Then she looked up at Legolas again, and seeing him still lost in thought, she felt unable to break the moment. The whole situation was so odd, that she was literally afraid of taking a step and ending up with devastating results. She desperately wished him to do something, to say something so that she could break free and reply to it. But he remained as he was, and so did she.
Irulan closed her eyes for a moment and tried to calm herself. 'Maybe I am dreaming' she thought suddenly. The whole event was weird enough.........it might very well be a dream. A spark of hope appeared in her, but soon died out with the settling realization that this was no dream. 'Maybe I misheard him' she thought then, but unfortunately had to discard that idea too. But Irulan was a complete coward and embarrassingly naive when it came to feelings, so she continued to look for explanations instead of turning around and looking truth in the face. 'Maybe......maybe he just meant.......the whole thing in a..........friendly way. You know.......melloni.....' she thought and that idea seemed to be promising. 'Most probably! He is an elf, for Heaven's sake! Who knows what he was thinking about and then suddenly he was glad that I was here with him and he meant 'I really like you Irulan' and.....-' Irulan felt like crying when her senses once again took that option and threw it off the window. She knew Legolas too well by now to fool herself with something like that.
'He can in all possibility not really LOVE me!' she thought suddenly, deciding to reason herself out of this, instead of fooling herself with interpretations. 'Why.......we all went through so much these last days......he is confused. He is an elf, he is of delicate nature...-'
'Delicate nature?' echoed her amused alter ego's voice. Irulan gulped with fear. Not that voice again! It will ruin everything!
'Hush you idiot!'
'Irulan, stop it. You should know by now that you can not hush me to silence. He is an elf, true, which means he thinks before speaking -unlike you, by the way- and he knows EXACTLY what he is feeling. He is older and more experienced than you'll ever be. I assume he is fully aware of his feelings,' it said. Irulan felt like moving just a little bit forward and letting herself glide down the cliff.
'Shut up!' she hissed back silently. 'He can NOT love me. Anything makes more sense than that.'
'As much as I agree that the elf has no taste in women, I think you are very wrong in the matter, Irulan.'
'You don't understand!' she went on almost pleadingly, 'I am........LOOK AT ME! I am nothing! I am no princess, no Darma Druid, no girl, no hero! I am a failure in all of those things!'
'Yes, I know that. But your point is?'
'Alright. LOOK AT HIM! He is this......this marvelous creature. An elf! A prince! A warrior! A hero! He is the complete opposite of me. He is this majestic being, ever successful and graceful in everything he does. He can not love ME!'
'Obviously he is so marvelous and incredible that he can actually manage to love someone like you,' the voice hissed and went silent.
Irulan could not think of anything to say for a moment after that. She looked up at Legolas again, but he had not changed his posture. 'What will I do? What will I do? What will I do?' she thought desperately and felt like crying.
"Legolas," she said finally, unable to overcome the feelings in her alone, any longer. Forget about letting go, she actually felt like clasping his hand with both of hers now and even jumping on his lap, in hope that he will rescue her from this dreadful situation. He turned to look at her, still that serene expression and a slight smile on his face, and she instantly forgot what she wanted to say. Just minutes ago his presence was such a comfort. Just moments ago it had been so easy to talk to him. But suddenly he had become the source of such anxiety and confusion that she could not bring herself to utter a single word.
He looked at her for a long time and then very slightly lowered his head and arched his eyebrows, still looking at her. When she still would not answer he finally said "Yes Irulan?" with a soft voice. Irulan almost moaned with desperation. She wanted to say so many things, but none seemed right. And she could not find her voice anyway. 'What the hell is happening to me?!' she thought with frustration. She looked down and glanced at the dark abyss beneath her dangling feet again. A little bit towards the front.......and this whole thing would end. Another soft breeze flew by them and she felt coolness on her back. Obviously she had been sweating - in this cold weather! She could not help to shudder with the icy touch.
"Irulan, are you well?" she heard Legolas say and he did indeed sound concerned. 'Am I well!?' she thought bitterly, 'Sure, why not? Spit something like that at my face and then expect me to be well!' Anger exploded in her for his insensitiveness, and then was swiftly brushed away by confusion, which was followed by desperation and yet again replaced by anger. Irulan closed her eyes again. 'I am dying for sure,' she thought, 'there is no way I can endure this torture!'
"Irulan?" said Legolas again and although she did not look up, she could feel him shifting slightly to see her face.
"Legolas, you can not possibly love me," she said finally, and even though her voice was hoarse and raw, at least it was a complete and coherent statement. She even congratulated herself silently for the unbelievable success of finally speaking up. There was a moment of silence and Irulan could hear her heart again beating like crazy. 'Why am I being anxious about his reply?' she thought suddenly, annoyed, 'It does not matter what he says. I know that he can not love me.'
"But I do," said Legolas very softly and it sounded as if she had just said 'Legolas, the sky is green,' and he had turned around and said 'But it is blue'. Irulan felt like crying out loud and leaping to her feet and running off. She was pretty sure that at this moment she would be capable of running at a speed that would take her into the camp of the Uruk-hai in less than an hour.
"You can't!" she said finally and it came out with something like 'impatient whining'.
"Irulan, look at me," Legolas said suddenly with a determined voice.
"No," she said, and turned her head towards the dark yawn of the abyss. She felt like she was a little girl again and damn that elf for that!
Legolas sighed softly. She felt him let go of her hand and grateful for that, she hastily snatched it back to her lap. He would probably get up now and leave and this would remain as a weird and disturbing memory, which would fade with the first light of dawn. Suddenly she felt his hand on the crook of her neck and she could swear that her heart exploded at his touch. The sensation of his gentle fingers on her neck, slightly brushing her ear, and the warmness of his palm against her cheek was devastating. He slowly turned her face towards him, and although Irulan was determined not to look, she could do nothing but obey the spell he had put on her.
Legolas was sitting very close to her. Actually he had not moved closer, but to Irulan the distance seemed suddenly too diminished. He was slightly leaning forward which made him even closer to her and she felt like tilting back a little to regain the space to breathe again. Needless to say that she was devoid of the ability to move at the moment. He smiled again and softly caressed her cheek with his thumb, not removing his hand from her neck. "Irulan," he whispered deftly, "I DO love you. NEVER doubt that." A moment passed during which she frantically tried to recover her voice.
"Legolas," she said and felt another soft brush of anger. She desperately hung to that feeling, for it was the only thing she had at the moment. Finally she managed to move again and softly jerked her head back, freeing herself from his touch. But to her surprise, he did not look hurt or disappointed at all. He smiled again and simply took her hand once more. Irulan could only look down in horror as her hand disappeared in his, and she once again could do nothing to stop it.
She swallowed softly and decided to continue while she still had the voice and the heart for it. "Legolas, you can't," she said with a firmer voice and glanced at him to see the effect. He seemed so unaffected by it that for a moment she thought she had not said it out loud. "I know what you think," she stammered and that was a big lie. She did not have the slightest clue as to what he was thinking or feeling. Legolas had become a complete stranger to her in a matter of moments. "But.......it is.......it.........Legolas, you must stop," she finished.
"Stop what, Irulan?"
"Stop yourself!" she said with frustration, once again not knowing what she was talking about, but desperate to say something.
Legolas sighed softly again and, losing nothing from his peaceful appearance, said "Alas, but I can not."
"Yes you can! Legolas, do something!"
A slight confusion and amusement washed over his features and Irulan once again felt like a little child. Yet, the words were spilling out of her now and she lacked the control over them.
"What would you like me to do?" he said very slowly, his eyes never leaving hers.
"Gather your wits!" she whined.
"I'm afraid they have forsaken me for good, Irulan" he said, still amused.
"We must do something! You are not yourself!" said Irulan suddenly, convinced that something had happened to him.
Legolas chuckled lightly. "I'm more myself than I have been for a very long time now," he said and brought up his other hand to slightly caress hers. A long moment passed during which Irulan felt all sense leaving her with his soft touches on the back of her hand.
"Irulan," he said then and looked up at her again, "I know this must be discomforting for you. I am sorry for that. I did not mean to upset you. But I wanted you to know."
"Legolas, maybe you are wrong?" said Irulan and she sounded truly hopeful.
He chuckled again. "No."
"Maybe you are confused?"
"No, Irulan."
"Legolas," she said again and brought up her other hand to massage her face, "this is definitely the worst time."
"I know," he said, and for the first time, sounded sad.
"How on earth will you kill me?" she said suddenly and her heart stopped at the realization that she had actually said that. She looked up at him in horror and he was staring back at her with a shocked expression.
"I will do no such thing," he whispered very slowly.
A cold fear gripped her. She had trusted them to spare her this pain, but Legolas would not help her! What was she supposed to do?! Whom else could she trust? "I will fall," she said, a cold fire creeping into her voice.
"Then you will take me with you," he said and his eyes bore into hers. Irulan's eyes widened with fear and shock. For a moment an image reached out to her - a vision of her hacking left and right and Legolas standing before her, his bow limp in his hand, not moving, not running. Until she whirled her staff and...Irulan gasped in horror and shuddered. She instantly snatched back her hand. Another wave of anger hit her, this time stronger. 'How can he torture me like this?' she thought bitterly, 'How can he say that, knowing that I have no other option? Knowing that I can not prevent it!'
"How can you say that?" she spat in disbelief.
Legolas looked away into the distance once more. She could see his sadness and grief, and a part of her understood that her insensitivity must indeed by very painful for him. And yet another part of her was far more scared of hurting him physically then hurting him emotionally.
"I am sorry Irulan, forgive me," he said finally with sincerity. "It was selfish of me to expect you to understand my feelings. I know you don't feel the same way."
Just as instantly as anger had burst in her, in very much the same fashion it disappeared. Once again she was left speechless and utterly confused. Legolas turned towards her again and his gaze was piercingly intense. "I would do ANYTHING for you, Irulan. But what you ask, is beyond me. I will not lie to you......it is not possible for me to slay you. And it is not possible for me to stand aside to watch, either." He once again leaned forward with desperation and took her hand. Irulan stiffened slightly, but did not stop him. The touch seemed to soothe him. He remained silent for a moment, and when he looked up again, he was serene once more.
"Have you ever watched the wind blowing over the rich grass in valleys?" he said suddenly. Irulan did not answer, for he seemed lost in a distant memory and it was not a real question. "I have stood for hours to watch. It is such an intoxicating sight. Some say it looks like the sea," he said and looked at her again. Irulan had seen the sea and she knew that Legolas had not. Yet, the Call of the Sea was engraved in every elf and they would all obey sooner or later. It was something that mortals would never understand. It was a pull beyond anything, and it would ooze all elves out of Middle Earth like oozing the life out of a body. None was capable of resisting it. 'And this quest will just seal that end' she thought once more bitterly. Legolas, though, was swept away with the memory, his gaze once again searching the distant horizon.
"I would not know. But it has a magic to it, Irulan. The warm breeze gliding through the valley, carrying so many various scents. The scent of animals. Scent of their feelings, like fear or lust. Scent of flowers and fruits.....gliding over the grass like a touch. And the grass, bending to that touch - almost with pleasure. Bowing, gliding, swishing. It almost sounds like a sigh, both sad and joyful. I watched it so many times......and yet, each time......I see an intimacy in it. A yearning, a passion. Things of such different nature, united in a touch." He turned back to her and smiled at her expression. Irulan was completely engulfed by his voice, by his memory. She could swear she was standing next to him in that valley, watching it happen.
"It looks so ordinary, but......I see so much in it. And there were times when I thought, 'tis only air. It can not be seen, nor heard. It is so ethereal; it has no hand, no fingers, no will to bend the grass. And it feels so soft to the skin, so fragile. Yet.....this ethereal and subtle element shakes the solid one and shapes it without the slightest resistance."
Legolas pulled her hand towards him again and once again enclosed it in his. "You are like that wind, Irulan. I have no say in this. I will follow you, wherever you go and I will bend to your will. For you have touched me in such an intimate way, I can never be what I was before. My heart will forever yearn for you, again and again."
It was only then that Irulan realized that she was crumbling. She could not explain the feeling in her with another word. She felt like the wind of that valley had actually blown through her cracks and she was falling apart, scattering like a figure made of ash. She was falling apart. Or rather, what she had built all this time, and thought of as stone, was falling apart, surrendering to a soft, gentle draft. She was a Darma Druid. She was on the most important quest in Middle Earth. She was about to die in a matter of days. The people she loved most would have to kill her. And yet, suddenly it did not matter.
In her mind, Irulan was standing hand in hand with Legolas in a valley. Majestic rocky hills were surrounding it and the valley itself was stretching far into the distant horizon. They were standing in the middle of it. Waist-high grass was surrounding them and covering the whole valley, its gorgeous and rich lime green a dashing contrast with the bluish white rocks looming above them. The sun was setting and bleeding ever so softly on both the grass and the high and steep cliffs. She could smell the sharp scent of the grass that spoke of life. A warm breeze came over them, then, and she could almost feel it coming from the end of the valley, from the farthest distance. She heard the sighing and gasping of the grass and she felt her hair softly lifting; soft, invisible fingers combing through it. She could feel Legolas beside her, the touch of their hands almost bewildering. She closed her eyes and felt such deep peace and contentment, that she felt like she had to release these sensations by crying. Everything before this very minute and everything that lay after this moment was of no importance. This moment would stretch for all eternity, for it was a part of her and she would find her way back to it whenever she needed to.
Legolas smiled down at her and he was the most beautiful thing that had ever drawn breath on this world. "Irulan...." he said and it sounded exactly like the sigh of the grass. She felt him touching her cheek, wiping away a tear that she didn't know she had shed. But in the overwhelming awe of her feelings, she did not move. Even when he leaned in closer to her, she did not blink. Her mind was suspended, her whole being elevated to somewhere beyond her grasp. She should feel afraid; she should feel helpless, or desperate. Yet she felt none of those things, for Legolas was with her. And Legolas leaned further and further, until their faces were so close, she could feel his warm and faint breath in the cool air. Yet she did not, could not move. Even when his lips touched hers and her body responded with a burst of fire, she could not move. Even when he kissed her she felt unable of doing anything else but receiving that kiss like the shore receives the glide of waves, like leaves receive the touch of the sun, like the earth receives the cool kiss of raindrops. It felt as right and natural and welcome as those things.
Through portico of my elegant house you stalk
With your wild furies, disturbing garlands of fruit
And the fabulous lutes and peacocks, rending the net
Of all decorum which holds the whirlwind back.
Now, rich order of walls is fallen; rooks croak
Above the appalling ruin; in bleak light
Of your stormy eye, magic takes flight
Like a daunted witch, quitting castle when real days break.
Fractured pillars frame prospects of rock;
While you stand heroic in coat and tie, I sit
Composed in Grecian tunic and psyche-knot,
Rooted to your black look, the play turned tragic:
With such blight wrought on our bankrupt estate,
What ceremony of words can patch the havoc?
Sylvia Plath - Conversation Among the Ruins