If You Like Pina Coladas…
By LuvsRimmer
Author's Note & Disclaimer: Grant Naylor owns these characters. And Rupert Holmes owns "Escape (the Pina Colada Song)". Written to appease the plot bunny who bit me in the car earlier.
Dave Lister sat at the gray metal table, scribbling on a scrap of paper. He chewed the end of the pen and scribbled some more. He frowned, crumpled up the paper and tossed it in the already overflowing bin. When Petersen came to the door he welcomed the interruption and headed off for a lager.
~
Several nights later, as Lister and Petersen again headed off to the Copacabana, Rimmer looked up from the book he was reading. Finally, he thought, Lister had left and he had their quarters to himself. He neatly placed his bookmark in the biography of General Patton and slipped the magazine from under his pillow. He turned the pages intently until he came to the ad he was looking for. Finally he took out a tablet and began to write, in his neat copperplate writing.
~
Three Million Years Later….
Lister poked through the piles of paper on the desk. "What IS all this stuff?" he wondered aloud.
Kryten scanned the paper he was holding. "Seems to be advertisements of some kind."
"Advertisements?" asked Rimmer, "for what?"
"In this case, an SWF, whatever that is." The mechanoid replied.
Lister snorted. "Something we don't have on Red Dwarf anymore. A Single White Female."
"Personal ads?" Rimmer scoffed, picking up a sheaf of letters. "Let me throw those out."
"Hang on, Rimmer. Might be good to read for a joke. I actually wr… er I mean I thought about writing one... after Krissie dumped me."
Rimmer shrugged and handed the pile to him.
~
Several days later, Lister was sprawled on his bunk, idly flipping through the letters. Rimmer was seated at the table, jacket off, reading a biography of Patton for the five hundredth time. He turned a page and sighed.
"I just don't feel like reading this right now. I'm going for a walk Listy." He stood up and shrugged his blue jacket on, snapping the silvery clasps closed as he walked toward the door.
"Have fun." Lister replied absently.
As soon as the door shut behind him, Lister slid the magazine out from under his pillow. This was it, he thought, the final issue of Red Dwarf's lonely hearts magazine. Even though the crew were all dead, he had to look. He had to know if anyone had responded to his ad. He scanned the pages intently, looking for any replies to 'Pina Coladas'. Finally, on the next to last page, he found one.
"Yes I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain, I'm not much into lager, I am into champagne. If you'd like making love at midnight, in the dunes on the Cape, I'm the one that you've looked for, write to me and escape."
He smiled wanly. He was happy someone had replied, but it was bittersweet knowing he'd never know who it was. He took out a pencil, the end full of teeth marks, and drew a heart around the ad.
But Lister was so absorbed, he failed to notice Rimmer's return to their quarters. He was startled when the taller man yanked the magazine out of his fingers abruptly.
"What have we here?" asked Rimmer, turning the magazine over. "Lonely Hearts?"
"Yeh." Replied Lister, "give it back smeghead."
"Why are you reading this drivel?" he asked, tossing the magazine back.
"How do you know it's drivel?" insisted Lister, "Have you ever read it?"
Rimmer blushed. "Once or twice." He mumbled.
"And I bet you wrote in too!" crowed Lister.
"Well you as much as admitted you did earlier!" he retorted, still blushing crimson.
"Well at least somebody wrote back to MY ad!" Lister flipped to the page and pointed at the heart encircled letter.
Rimmer's eyes grew wide as he read it. He gasped. "That was you?" he squeaked.
"What do you mean, I just told you that was a response to…Hang on – you said that like you remembered my letter." Lister said, confused.
He gulped, "I do remember it. I should hope I would. I'm the one who wrote the reply." He raised his eyes from the floor to look Lister in the face.
"YOU? You wrote this?" Lister gasped, eyes wide with suprise.
Rimmer nodded silently, biting his lip with anxiety. How would Lister react?
"I never knew… that you liked pina coladas." Lister said softly.