Part Two
INT. LARS HOMESTEAD
OWEN
(Cont'd)
Something a little stronger, maybe? Corellian brandy?
Owen leads Yoda into the normally dusty Lars home, which has been meticulously cleaned for the party. It is a simple dwelling, primitive yet homely, even though there are not many furnishings and the fact that it is mainly rock.
YODA
(Crinkles his nose at the memory of his first taste of bantha's milk)
No bantha milk! Yuck, yuck, yuck, it is! Any rum, do you have?
Owen disappears into the kitchen
OWEN
(from the kitchen)
Oh, yep, we've got plenty of that, too, just let me find some glasses…You know, I was expecting you last week, but, doesn't matter anyway, does it, huh? 'Fraid you caught me a bit off-guard here.
Owen gets a bottle of the finest brand of Corellian rum he can find and some glasses as well, while Yoda picks up a holoprojector and switches it on, revealing a map of the galaxy.
OWEN
(Cont'd)
I can give you some ice if you want it…
Owen returns to the living room with the rum and glasses, but Yoda isn't there. He sighs.
OWEN
(Whinges)
Yoda, where the hell are you? You know I hate it when you do this –
Yoda appears behind him and whacks him in the back of the knees with his gimer stick. Owen still manages to protect the bottle and the glasses.
YODA
Do just fine, normal rum will, yes!
OWEN
(Stutters, standing up)
Erm, well, oh…um, yeah, all right…don't mind if I have a drink, too?
He unscrews the bottle and takes a swig.
Someone buzzes the door.
OWEN
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M %^&*EN BUSY RIGHT NOW!?
LUKE
(Muttering, offscreen)
Dam nit, I knew he's say that. He's been drinking rum again, as usual…
Owen rolls his eyes and shakes his head in disgust.
OWEN
Man, gotta get away from here, away from all this bloody moisture farming…I want to see water straight from the ocean again, you know, Yoda? I hate having to make my own rain. I also want to finish writing my holonotes someplace interesting…
YODA
(Lifts his eyebrows)
So, mean to go through with this plan of yours, do you?
OWEN
Why do you question it?
YODA
Just saying I am, that unclean, seawater is! Remember that time when drank a whole lot of water you did, only to find that bathed in it before, somebody did, hmmm?
Owen's face momentarily goes green.
YODA
Suspect something, Luke does.
Owen looks at Yoda as if he is stupid.
OWEN
Duh! He's a Skywalker, not some idiot Hairraiser from Anchorhead! Whaddaya expect?
YODA
Tell him, will you not?
OWEN
Well, of course I'm gonna tell the poor kid, who's there to look after him when I'm gone? Definitely not Beru, because I found vomit on the front doorstep after leaving the house for two minutes!
YODA
His uncle, you are! Trusts and respects you, he does! Tell him, you must!
Owen shakes his head sadly, poring a glass for Yoda.
OWEN
I know…he'd probably come running after me if he knew better than to stay here with those brats he calls friends…
Yoda whacks him on the forehead angrily.
OWEN
OW!
YODA
(Indignantly)
Call them brats, you shall not! Taught me how to bowl, they did!
A look of realisation hits Owen's face.
OWEN
Oh, so that explains the hole in the wall (points to a hole the size of a bowling ball in the wall).
Yoda turns away, ashamed.
YODA
Told you that, I should not have.
OWEN
See what I mean? I can't keep up with these fellas anymore! I feel old and worn! I want to get the hell out of here, Yoda, and go on a REALLY long vacation. I mean, I don't even know if I want to come back…
Yoda gives him a dewy smile.
YODA
Hard to see, the future is.
LATER THAT DAY
Yoda bowls down a stone vase. The vase breaks into tiny pieces…and the one behind it…and the one behind that one, too…and the one behind that…and the six of them behind that one. The ball goes rolling on, and makes another hole in the wall...the thirtieth one that day. Owen has collapsed into his chair, a resigned look on his face.
OWEN
(moans)
I give up!
YODA
YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (jumps up and down in excitement, punching his fists and headbanging) A GOD, I AM! DA MAN, WHO IS? DA MAN, WHO IS? HMMM? LET ME TELL YOU, I MUST!!! DA MAN, I AM! DA MAN, I AM!!! MMMMHMMMHMMHMHMHMHM!!! PAY FOR THE DAMAGE, I WILL NOT, FOR RULE, I DO!!! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A DAY TO REMEMBER, THIS WILL BE!!! MY VERY FIRST PERFECT GAME, IT IS!!! WOOOOOOOOOOH!!!
EXT. LARS HOMESTEAD – NIGHT OF OWEN'S PARTY
Hundreds of people are gathered to celebrate the fiftieth birthday of Owen Lars. The banner in front of the homestead is up and reads "THE CRUSTY OLD MAN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY". A green firework shoots up into the air and explodes, forming the words "RULE, I DO!!!"
Luke admires the banners and stifles as snigger as Owen glares at it angrily.
OWEN
I'm gonna kill that kid. I'm NOT crusty!!!
Luke carefully runs around the back of the homestead, careful not to kick up any sand. He comes around, and runs up to Threepio. The golden robot stares dumbfounded at a silver robot who is in the middle of the crowd and doing a jerky, robotic shuffle-dance.
LUKE
(rolls his eyes in exasperation)
Geez, come on, Threepio! Ask TC-14 for a dance!
Threepio is too shy.
THREEPIO
Erm, I think I shall just recharge my batteries, Master Luke…
Luke shakes his head stubbornly, pushing Threepio forwards.
LUKE
Oh, no you don't, Threepio, your battery's almost full now!
Threepio stumbles forwards and finally decides to dance off with TC-14.
Owen sits down and tells a story to the farmkids.
OWEN
So, yeah, it was me versus a thousand Trade Federation battleships, and I turned around and took on them –
(Makes laser zap noises)
- And every single one of them went crashing into the Droid Control Ship! And then, suddenly, I was hit by a laser blast and my ship went spinning out of control!
The kids look absolutely terrified.
OWEN
And I went spiralling right into one of the main docking bays…
Yoda takes out some more fireworks and sets off harmless meandering yellow sparks that the other farmkids try to catch.
After he moves off, Artoo and Detoo sneak in to steal one of their own. Detoo carefully extends a claw at the batch of fireworks.
ARTOO
Beeep-beep-doo-weeep!!!
*Translation: No, get that one!!!*
DETOO
Bip-ba-dip!!! *I know, I know!!!*
Detoo gets his claws around the largest firework he can hold (about 2cm thick, mind you). He and Artoo run into the outhouse, where they can't be seen lighting the firework, and set it down. Artoo sets it alight with an electric zap.
ARTOO
*There, that should do it.*
DETOO
*STICK IT IN THE GROUND!!! STICK IT IN THE GROUND!!!*
ARTOO
*YOU DO IT, IF YOU'RE SO SMART!*
DETOO
*FINE!*
Detoo takes the firework, which is almost burnt out. He realizes he can't lower his claws.
DETOO
(Matter-of-factly)
*Oh, crap.*
ARTOO
(Innocently)
*I had nothing to do with it, it was your idea!!!*
The firework goes off, smashing a hole in the roof of the outhouse. Pieces of rock go flying as the firework continues on its' way up towards the sky. A dazed Artoo and Detoo look on in despair, covered in soot.
ARTOO
*I'm dobbing on you!*
DETOO
*No, you're not.*
ARTOO
*I'm dobbing for rea!!!*
DETOO
*I'll dob back!!!*
The firework falls from the sly, dissolving into dust before it even gets NEAR the ground.
EVERYONE
(Murmuring)
Well, that was lame…
OWEN
(Turning to the outhouse and yelling)
YODA, WHAT THE %^&* WAS THAT?
Yoda appears at the farmer's side.
YODA
Me, it was not. Know who it is, I do. Feel it in the Force, I can…
Yoda limps off towards the outhouse, where Artoo and Detoo try to escape from. Yoda catches them and puts on Force Speed, sprinting away towards them, and, quick as lightning, putting restraining bolts on them.
YODA
(Triumphantly)
Hmmm, known I should have! Artoo and Detoo, it is!
Artoo and Detoo end up serving drinks and having to tend to tipsy guests for the rest of the night. A gigantic cake with one gigantic candle is being dragged by on a repulsorsled, and Owen climbs onto his roof.
TIPSY FARMERS
C'mon, Owen, buddy, speech!
OWEN
All right, all right…erm…all right.
(Gruffly pulls a datapad from his pocket)
Fellow Darklighters, Whitesuns, Sandstormers and Windblockers.
(Swallows)
Erm, I think I'll just…yeah…
Owen, to the utter shock of the audience, teeters backwards and falls. Unseen to the audience, though, he reaches into his pocket and summons the power for the Gem, disappearing as soon as he is out of sight of everyone else (except Yoda, that is). The crowd disperses with fear, and Owen waits until the place is nearly empty before going back into his house and letting go of the Gem.
INT. LARS HOMESTEAD – HALLWAY
The door slides open and Owen appears, stepping into the homestead. He puts the Gem in his pocket and continues on his way in.
INT. LARS HOMESTEAD – LIVING ROOM
Yoda is already there, and he is angry.
YODA
(Snaps)
Very clever, I suppose you think it was, hmmm!?
OWEN
Aw, c'mon, Yoda, what the hell have you got up your @$$? Did you catch the looks on their faces?
YODA
Hm! Went to the toilet, I just did!
Many Force-powerful gems there are in this galaxy, Owen! Used lightly, none of them should be!
OWEN
Geez, can't a guy have any fun around here? (Grumbles) You're probably right, though…as always…
Owen finds a small suitcase and begins to gather a few belongings.
OWEN
You'll keep an eye on the kid, won't you?
YODA
Keeping an eye on him, I have, for eighteen years, Owen! Know better than to ask me that, you should!
OWEN
Yeah, well, everything of mine is his now.
YODA
And what of the Gem? Stay here, too, will it? Hmmm?
OWEN
Yeah, I tossed it into one of those little trinkets over there…
Yoda glares at him indignantly.
YODA
(darkly)
Think I am stupid, do you?
OWEN
(laughs nervously)
Oh! Hang on, I forgot, it's here in my pocket. Well, why should I leave it behind, anyway?
YODA
(Mock-casually)
Been in your possession for too long, that Gem has! So hard to leave behind, is it? Hmmm?
OWEN
(Angrily, lunging at Yoda and trying to bash him on the head)
NO!!! MINE, IT IS! MINE, MINE, MINE!!!
Yoda stands there coolly, arms folded, rolling his eyes.
YODA
(Sighs)
Fake my gravely voice, you cannot. No need for anger now.
OWEN
(Continues screeching)
WELL, IT'S NOT MY FAULT! MINE, IT IS! MY DARLING!!!
Yoda raises a disbelieving eyebrow.
YODA
Darling, you call it, hmmm? Heard that used before, I have, but not by you!
OWEN
(Stops screeching and folds his arms stubbornly)
Well, its none of your business what I do with this, is it? You want this damned thing for yourself, don't you?
Yoda does the Mr. Miagi thing he does in Attack of the Clones (You know, the one where he narrows his eyes while catching the Force lightning?)
YODA
(Screams)
OWEN LARS!!! TAKE ME FOR SOME CONJURER OF CHEAP TRICKS, YOU SHALL NOT!!! TRYING TO HELP YOU, I AM!!!
He loses the Mr. Miagi look and is the short green wrinkly dude again. Owen looks as though he's about to wet his pants.
YODA
Been friends for so many long years, we have. Trust me, you must. Let it go.
OWEN
(Shrugs)
All right, then.
Owen turns and is about to step out the door.
YODA
The Gem, if you may???
Owen stops and turns around.
OWEN
Oh, crap…
He takes the gem out of his pocket and turns his hand over, as if it's the hardest thing to do in the universe. The Gem falls to the floor and smashes into tiny smithereens.
OWEN
Oh, crap!
The pieces of the Gem then roll back together and the Gem looks as though it was never broken.
OWEN
See you round, then, Yoda.
Owen slides the door open and steps out into the Tatooine night.
YODA
(Sadly)
Farewell, Owen. May the Force be with you.
Owen continues towards his starship just outside the garage as the door slides shut. Yoda laughs evilly.
YODA
But escape me, you will not! Meet you again, I will! Evil, I am!!! MMM-HM-HM-HM-HM-HM-HM!!!
He then goes to pick up the Gem, but has a dark vision.
YODA'S VISION
A clouded figure appears.
FIGURE
I have not yet been destroyed…
INT. LARS HOMESTEAD – LIVING ROOM
Yoda thinks better of what he is doing and decides to leave the Gem where it is. He sits down in a chair, thinking about his vision, the Gem's history, and Owen's words
OWEN'S VOICE
Mine, it is…my darling…
YODA
(Thoughtfully)
Darling?…Palpatine…
LUKE'S VOICE
(from outside)
Uncle Owen? Uncle Owen!
The door slides open and Luke bursts in, picking up the gem on the way. He skids to a stop in front of Yoda.
LUKE
He's gone, right? Gawd, I never thought he'd really leave like that, even though he was yakking on about it for so long! Geez!
Yoda looks at Luke's hand, which is holding the Gem, and sighs. His old age is catching up with him.
YODA
Owen's Gem, that is.
Luke looks at him stupidly.
LUKE
I know that!
Yoda ignores Luke and continues.
YODA
Gone to Alderaan, he has, and left you here, along with all of these possessions. Yours now, this Gem is.
He unties a small pouch from his belt and holds it open in front of Luke. Luke peers inside and crinkles his nose.
LUKE
Ew! What did you keep in there before? It smells disgusting!
Yoda doesn't answer, still holding the pouch out.
YODA
Put it in this, you must.
Luke drops the Gem inside and double-knots it, knots it again, and again, and again…
LUKE
Why the hell are you tying so many knots in it?
Yoda shows Luke his handiwork with the string.
YODA
Looks pretty, it does, do you think not? Hmmm-hm-hm!
Luke rolls his eyes
LUKE
(Sighs)
Geez…
YODA
HEARD THAT, I DID!
He whacks Luke over the head with his gimer stick. Luke ducks.
LUKE
OY! Stop hitting me!!!
YODA
All right. (stops hitting Luke and hands the pouch over to him) Keep this safe you must. Let no one touch it or hear of it. Understood?
LUKE
(Ties it to his utility belt)
Yeah, I will.
Yoda turns and heads for the door.
LUKE
Wait, where are you going? I thought you were staying!
YODA
Some things I must attend to, there are.
LUKE
Like what?
YODA
My skin…very easily irritated by the sand, it is! Stuck on this dust ball planet, I will never be! Hmph!
The door slides open and Yoda steps out through it, towards his ship. The door slides shut again.
LUKE
(shakes his head in disgust)
I simply do not understand that Yoda…