The Morning After

There have been perhaps countless occasions in Severus Snape's life that made him think that there simply wasn't enough gold in Gringotts to compensate for the things he had been forced to witness as Head of Slytherin house. This was one such occasion. On one of the couches in the Slytherin commons room lay a very naked Harry Potter asleep and drooling on top of Draco Malfoy who was wearing nothing less that a blue gingham dress hiked up above his waist and whose arms and legs were wrapped around the aforementioned Potter in a very lewd fashion. On the floor all around them was what seemed like no less than a million empty bottles of alcohol. Snape looked around for any sign of Harry's clothes, but could only find a little green dress.

"Oh for Merlin's sake, why me?" Snape muttered, making his way over to the couch. "Potter, Malfoy, wake up this instant!"

Neither boy moved.

"Mr. Potter, I insist you get off of Mr. Malfoy this instant!" he roared.

"Mmmm…just five more minutes, Ron," came the sleepy response from Harry.

"Mr. Potter if you would bother fully waking up you would realize that you are not in Gryffindor Tower, I am most certainly not Mr. Weasley, and that is most certainly not your bed your draped across!"

"Not my bed? Huh? What're you…?" Finally Harry opened his eyes and realized that what he had been using as a bed was in fact Draco Malfoy. "Oh Shit!"

At that Draco finally began to stir. "Shaddup would you? I'm trying to sleep," he said without opening his eyes.

Draco just gripped Harry even harder and nuzzled him like a teddy bear. At first Harry was too shocked to do anything but gape at Draco with his mouth hanging open. Glancing over his shoulder briefly, though, he remembered that Snape was glaring down at them furiously, which spurred Harry into action.

"Malfoy, would you wake the fuck up!"

"Goddammit, I SAID I was trying to sleep!" Finally Draco's eyes opened and registered at last whom it was that he was gripping like a teddy bear. A very naked Harry Potter.

"Holy Fuck Potter! What's your problem? Get off Me!"

"I would in a second, Malfoy, but it would help immeasurably it you would LET GO of me first!!!"

If Draco was embarrassed to have had all of his appendages wrapped intimately around Harry, he made no show of it. He merely removed his death grip and shoved Harry onto the floor. It was not until that point that Harry and Draco realized fully their state of dress, (or in Harry's case, complete undress). Draco instantly pulled down his dress, which had found its way around his chest somehow. Harry looked frantically around for his clothing, but finding none here merely tried to cover himself up with his arms.

"Dare I even ask what the meaning of this is?" Snape demanded.

A long silence followed.

"Let me guess, you can't remember," Snape said sarcastically.

"Well…honestly I can't," Draco finally admitted.

"Me neither," said Harry, eyeing Draco's dress with apprehension, "but I'm not sure I really want to."

"Oh good lord." Snape looked like he was about to be sick. "All right, you know what? I want no part of this. You two sort this out on your own. Oh, and Potter," Snape bent down to pick up a small pile of green cloth, "I suggest you get dressed." He threw the dress at Harry.

"This isn't mine!" Harry whined.

"I dare you to find another piece of clothing in this room," he said with a roll of his eyes before leaving the room.

Once they were alone Harry and Draco eyed each other nervously.

"You don't think we…do you?" Harry couldn't bear to put into words what it really looked like they had done the night before.

"I'm in all honestly trying not to think at all, Potter. It's not every day I wake up with a hangover, a dress pulled up to my armpits, and a naked Harry Potter wrapped around me."

"Excuse me! Might I remind you that it was you who had your legs wrapped around me like some depraved slut!"

"Slut!? Might I remind you that at least I kept my clothes on!"

"Malfoy, you're wearing a dress, I wouldn't boast!"

"Well I bet you anything that it was you who made me wear it, you pervert!"

"Yeah, well considering how high you had it hiked up, my guess is that you were a pretty eager receiver!"

At that Draco's face blanched.

"You had better not be insinuating what I think you are."

"What? That Draco Malfoy likes to take it up the ass from none other than Harry Potter? You better believe that's what I'm insinuating. Face it, you were on the bottom and you were the one wearing the dress. It's pretty obvious that you're a pussy!"

"I am not a pussy! And Malfoys do not take it up the ass!"

"I beg to differ and I'd like to take this moment to point out that you seem awfully comfortable in that dress! So don't bother telling me you're not a pussy!"

This line of argument was beginning to really disturb Draco. For, though at the moment he really couldn't recall where this current dress had come from, he had been known on occasion to don a dress if the mood struck him. He really didn't want to think that it meant he was a pussy. Denial is not only a river in Egypt, after all, and Draco was deep in denial. Fortunately for him Harry's attention had wandered and he did not see the look of discomfort on Draco's face.

"Where the fuck are my clothes!?" Harry yelled suddenly as he started pacing the room, searching for anything other than the little green dress.

"If you ask me, it's fairly obvious that you came wearing that dress and you ought to leave in the same manner," Draco said with a satisfied smirk.

"I am positive that I did not show up here wearing this dress."

"Could fool me. But you know Potter, I really don't think it matters one way or another, 'cause either way, you're going to have to leave wearing it."

"No Way! My clothes have got to be here somewhere!"

"Well they're not! You could always continue your tasteless habit of wandering around naked."

"If you don't like it, you can bloody well help me find me own clothes."

"You know, I really don't feel like helping out people who call me a pussy, so I think I'll just sit here and watch."

"Why? You get off watching me walk around naked?"

"Fine, I'll help you look, but only because watching your naked ass is making me ill."

Normally Draco wouldn't ever have helped anyone, least of all Harry, but frankly it disturbed him just how much he was enjoying watching Harry walk around naked. So the house-wide search for Harry's clothes began. Harry searched frantically and Draco mainly walked around behind Harry, only looking like he was searching, but really he was just watching Harry's ass. Unfortunately it never occurred to either of them to look in the first years girls dorm where Harry's clothes had been kicked halfway under Madaline Ditmer's bed.

"You might as well give up, Potter, as I said, it's obvious that you showed up wearing that dress and I'd appreciate it if you would just put the damn thing back on and go back to where you came from."

Harry looked crestfallen; he really didn't want to walk through the halls of Hogwarts wearing a dress, even if there were only about a handful of people around who might see him. But the fact remained that could not find any trace of Harry's clothing.

"Please, Malfoy, can't I just borrow something of yours, I'll give it back, I promise! Besides, I'm positive you had something to do with why I can't find my clothes."

"Okay, how about I loan you this pretty little number," Draco gestured to the blue dress he was wearing.

"Aw, come on, Malfoy, I'm serious! You've got to help me out, I can't go out there wearing a dress!" Harry looked like he was about to have an emotional breakdown.

"Fine," Draco said very reluctantly. "But only because I really don't want to see you start crying."

Draco marched off to his room, indicating that Harry should follow. Once in his room he went straight to his closet and came back out with a pair of black trousers and a grey cashmere jumper, which he handed to Harry.

"Um…I was just thinking of something casual, like jeans and a t-shirt."

"You're going to be picky? These are my casual clothes."

"Whatever." Harry shook his head and started to slip on the trousers. "Hey, you aren't gonna mind me wearing these without any pants on underneath, are you?"

"Makes no difference to me, I go commando myself, anyway."

"Hmm! Suit yourself, I just thought you might be disturbed by the fact that my piece would be rubbing up against the inside of your trousers."

"Yes, well I rather fancy that nothing I will ever experience in life will be as disturbing as my rude awakening this morning to find your "piece" rubbing up against my piece."

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot that."

"Hmph, I assure you I'm desperately trying to forget it myself. I think I'd gouge my brain out with a spoon if I thought it'd help. Now shut up and get dressed, I want you out of here as soon as possible!"

Harry hurriedly threw on the clothes and glanced briefly at himself in the mirror.

"Well, needless to say I look like a poncy git and…Who the fuck did my hair!?" Harry immediately took the flowery hair slide out and returned his hair to it's usual mussed up state. "I blame you entirely for this, Malfoy. I'm not entirely sure what went on last night, but I'm sure it's entirely your fault!"

"My fault!? You think this was some elaborate plan I've had? Oh yes, I'm bored, why don't I just dress up like a girl and lure Harry Potter into my clutches, get him drunk and convince him to fuck me, just so that I can try and trick him into accidentally leaving wearing a flowery hair slide! I am sorry, but that hardly falls under the category of dastardly plans had by Draco Malfoy. I'm telling you Potter, you're completely delusional and might I remind you that despite the fact that you managed to loose your clothes somehow, that you seem to have come out at the better end of this whole debacle! At least you aren't wearing a dress and at least you don't have to worry that the whole world might find out that you got fucked by your arch nemesis! I mean, I may be scarred for life. You have no idea how many years of therapy I may have to go through to get over whatever may or may not have happened last night!" Draco was well into hysteria by now and was about to hyperventilate.

"Christ Malfoy, get a grip! I mean, you can take the dress off anytime you want, it's not permanent."

"Don't you see, though, even if I do…take…off…this…fucking dress," Draco pulled the dress off over his head and threw it aside as he spoke, "it doesn't change anything at all! Here, look at me, no dress!" Harry was indeed completely aware that Draco had no dress on and was desperately trying to keep his eyes focused on his face, and not lower down, it was a loosing battle. "But does it change those things you said about me? No! You probably still think I'm a pussy and that I took it up the ass, nothing will change that! I am going to be branded for life as a pussy! I can't handle that! I think I'm going to have a mental break down!" Draco had now fallen on the ground, had his head between his knees, and was practicing the deep breathing exercises his therapist had taught him.

"Oh for Merlin's sake, what do you think is going to happen? You think I'm going to go around telling everyone what happened last night? I assure you that's the last thing I am ever going to do. It would be damaging to my reputation as well, you know. And frankly, I think Snape was so disturbed by the whole thing that he's likely never to speak again!"

"Are you sure?" Draco pulled his head up from his knees and looked at Harry.

"I swear to god! And you know what Malfoy, I don't think you're really a pussy. I mean you're a total bad-ass bitch!"

"Bitch!?" Draco started hyperventilating again.

"Okay, not bitch, sorry. Something less feminine? How about I think you're a complete asshole?"

"Asshole!?" Draco put his hands protectively over his bottom.

"No, I really didn't mean to imply anything about that. Um… I know what you are! You're an evil manipulative bastard! Everyone thinks so, honestly!"

"Really? You're not just saying that?"

"I'm not just saying it, you're the most evil bastard I've ever known."

Draco smiled wistfully for a moment, then his face hardened into his trademark sneer.

"Okay then, I think you've over-worn your welcome. Now get the fuck out of here before I change my mind and I make you walk out of here butt naked."

"See, that's the Malfoy we all know and love." Harry smiled.

"I meant it dillweed, get the fuck out of my room."

"Okay, okay, I'm leaving."

Harry made his way to the portrait hole and opened it up to leave. Just before closing the portrait behind him, though, he poked his head back in the door and hollered, "By the way Malfoy, you do look awfully cute in blue gingham!"

"OUT!!!!"

As Harry headed back to Gryffindor he chuckled a bit to himself at Draco, but then he remembered waking up on top of Draco in a dress and shuddered. He wondered momentarily if gouging his brain out with a spoon would help at all.