Thanks to Jen, Becca, (but NOT AE…this time…) and Elise
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. Never have, never will. Unfortunately. *wanders off to sob*
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I Know
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She watched as his silky blonde hair blew in the wind, flapping about gently behind him. His intense, icy blue eyes were staring out to sea, and his gorgeous face was tilted slightly upwards and to the side as he thought. She knew thoughts were zooming across his mind a million miles per hour, but none of this showed on his face or in his eyes. She wasn't so sure she'd know he was thinking like this if she hadn't known him for eight years, known what every little gesture and twitch of his body meant. At least, she used to know what they all meant. In the year since he'd disappeared after the war, he'd changed enough that she could no longer read everything about him. She could still read him like a book, just no longer as a college book. Now he was a teenage book to her, quite readable but not showing everything there was to show.
Brushing her blue-black hair out of her face as the wind carelessly tossed it there, twenty-year-old Lucrezia Noin rotated her body enough so that she was looking out to sea. Her violet eyes searched the endless blue void, wondering what was going on through her best friend Zechs Merquise's mind. What she wouldn't give to be able to take a peek into his mind…but that would be violating his privacy, something she had sworn she'd never do. When she first met him at Lake Victoria Academy, her only thought had been to get his silver mask off so she could see the boy—no, man—underneath. After a year of knowing him, she had discovered that she didn't want to take the mask off herself, but she wanted him to take it off for her, so that she would know she had gained his trust and acceptance. It had taken her three and a half years, but he finally trusted her enough to take it off and reveal to her his true identity as Milliardo Peacecraft, the heir to then-dead Sanq Kingdom. Nothing had made her happier than to know that he trusted her and her alone with such a secret. As far as she knew, not even his only other friend, Treize Khushrenada, had seem him without the mask. A sacred trust had been placed in her hands, and she had never betrayed him, never wanted to betray him.
Feeling that she had had to prove to him she'd never betray him, Noin made sure she was second best student at the academy, always second to his first. If anyone ever threatened his spot as top student, Noin took care of the problem by pushing her friend harder, making him strive just a little bit more to be the best of the best. He was always number one, and she was always number two. Together the two of them had made Academy history, breaking records previously thought unbreakable. It showed, too, by how quickly they were promoted. Instead of having to be old geezers of forty to get a remarkable position, by the age nineteen he was Colonel Zechs and she was Lieutenant Noin of the OZ Army. In the Artemis and Eve wars they had been almost as prominent figures as their friends Treize Khushrenada and Lady Une. Ironically enough to her, even when they got separated at the end of the war, ending up on opposite sides of the playing board, he still managed to be more important than her. He had led the White Fang, while she was only part of the Gundam group, helping those five boys end the war. Together Treize and Zechs had ended the war, Treize by dying and Zechs by blowing up Epyon, supposedly dying as well. Through the following year, she had known deep in her heart that he wasn't dead, and had remained loyal to him. Even when her friends Anne and Sally thought it was a lost cause and she should try to get on with life, Noin wouldn't let his memory die. She had firmly believed that he would return, and when the Barton Foundation made an attempt to take over the Earth and the colonies a year later, she hadn't been the least bit surprised to find Zechs magically by her side helping her end the fighting once again. That was the time when she swore out loud that she'd never leave his side again.
It had been two and a half months since the end of the Barton Foundation Rebellion. Their leader, Mariemaia Khushrenada, was now living with Lady Une and recovering from the bullet her uncle, Dekim Barton, had put into her. Heero Yuy, after having shot Dekim Barton dead, had recovered in a matter of days and was now working out his problems with Zechs' sister, Relena. Noin had no doubt that the two of them would be married by the time the two of them were twenty-one.
After all the fighting was accomplished, Relena had asked Noin and Zechs if they would undertake the Mars Terraformation Project to try and make Mars habitable for people. In another month they would leave for Mars to try and accomplish the task the Queen of the Sanq Kingdom had set for them. But in the meantime, the two old friends had found three and a half months of time to themselves. Noin had sworn to Zechs that she would never leave his side, and she meant it with all her heart. To prove her point, one month ago to the day she had told the man she was in love with him. She knew he wasn't yet ready for such a thing, so she had told him not to answer that until he felt he was ready, be it with acceptance of her love, or be it with rejection. Trying her best to forget that she had laid her heart out at his feet, Noin had gone on with life as if nothing had ever happened, but since that day her best friend had become more of a recluse, letting long silence spells overcome him as he went about daily life. Today they had come to the beach for some unusual peace and quiet, and that was exactly what she was getting. Zechs had hardly said a word since they arrived at the beach on that cold February morning.
Turning her head again so she could see him, Noin sighed almost in defeat. She could spend forever watching him stare out in space, his long, platinum blonde hair flipping out behind him and his trench coat blowing in the wind, but at that moment she felt she would skewer him alive if he didn't admit his feelings for her soon. Frustration coursed through her veins, and she only just barely kept herself from glaring at his profile. Angrily turning her head back to the sea, Noin felt tears form in her eyes. She blinked them back in a fury, afraid he might choose that moment to look at her and see her crying. That would be a shame she did not think she could bear, not with the current situation.
After giving herself a moment to recollect her thoughts, she chanced a quick glance at him again. All anger she had with the man flew out of her in a heartbeat as she watched the muscles in his face move. He appeared to be speaking with himself, and judging from the look she saw in his eyes, he wasn't having a pleasant chat with himself. Noin sighed, feeling defeated. Every time she tried to get angry with him, all it took was one look at his face for feelings of love to flood her being instead of feelings of anger. She knew she could not skewer the man if he told her he hated her guts and their whole friendship had been a scam. He would never say that, true, but even if he did she couldn't stay angry with him for very long.
Noin wished with all her heart that she could just throw her arms around Zechs Merquise and squeeze the life out of him as he did the same to her. She knew he loved her, no doubt about it. She didn't know how she knew, but she did. The real question she found herself facing was would he accept his emotions or would he try to continue being the perfect soldier despite the lack of war.
I love you, Zechs Merquise, she thought to herself. I'm sick and tired of waiting; please come to your senses and admit to me what I already know. Please. Despite her best efforts she felt a tear trickle down her cheek. Wiping it away, she looked out to the sea, and for a brief moment in time she could almost swear she understood what he was thinking.
**
Pain. That small word had so much meaning to him. He had been experiencing pain ever since the Alliance attacked his family when he was a small boy, killing his parents and almost killing him and his baby sister Relena as well. Thank goodness for their butler Pagan, or the Peacecraft family would have died a long time ago. Perhaps it would have been better had he died back then. If that were so, then he wouldn't have been in pain for the rest of his growing up years; he wouldn't have been able to inflict pain upon all those people he had threatened to kill. He wouldn't still be able to inflict pain on Lucrezia Noin.
Noin. Her named rang like an echo through his head, and he caught himself staring at her out of the corner of his eye. She was staring out at the endless ocean, as he had been until a moment ago. A small smile tugged at his lips as he watched her, his angel, his one true friend. When he enrolled at the Lake Victoria Academy at the age of twelve, the last thing in the world he had expected was to be befriended by anybody, let alone the most beautiful girl on campus. Of course he hadn't thought her beautiful then; she had started out as a pest in his life, the one person on campus who wouldn't leave him alone no matter what he said or did. That pest had grown to be the size of a bumblebee when she first asked him if he would take his mask off. Shocked that anyone would dare suggest a thing to him, he had been too surprised to give her some nasty retort in reply. That had been his downfall, for she never left him alone after that. To later further his shock, four months after she asked to see him without his mask he discovered that he enjoyed her company and missed her on the days when she didn't find him lurking around somewhere. At age thirteen something in her seemed to change, and they finally became friends. Zechs had feared such a thing would happen when he took on the pseudonym Zechs Merquise and entered the Academy, for he was ill prepared in social skills. Despite his earlier pacifist upbringing, he had been one heck of a soldier, but never very good in the social aspect. Noin had never seemed to care about that, but only to care about him as him. Three and one half years after meeting her he finally granted her request and took off his mask for her, telling her his family history while he was at it. For weeks after he had feared she would tell someone, but he should not have worried for she was more loyal than a beloved dog. Even now, eight years later, she was still loyal and still insisted on being by his side.
Ever since that fateful day back in January he had wondered if Noin had gone mad. For her, such an angel, to even think about loving him, let alone confessing it to him, had been beyond his comprehension and he had almost pushed her away again. He was glad she had not demanded he confess his love for her in that moment, for he had not been ready for such a thing. He may have loved her since before they left the Academy, but he had never shown anyone that feeling, not even Treize, and he had most certainly not expected her to return it. To hear her say aloud, "I love you, Zechs," had almost been more than he could handle. He had been through war, he had killed mercilessly, he had self-destructed Epyon while he was still in it, he had threatened to blow up the Earth, but he had never listened to a woman say she loved him. He figured Noin was lucky he hadn't gone mad in those first seconds after she confessed a secret he never knew she harboured.
He had been a recluse since that day, he knew it, but he couldn't help it. When he needed to think he became even less of a social person than usual, and was sometimes even downright rude. He feared he may have hurt Noin's feelings, but he couldn't do anything about that now. No, that wasn't true, he could do something about it. He could admit he returned her feelings instead of shunning her, but this was where the test of true character came in. He feared he had no character to test, and instead tried to ignore the whole thing. Unsuccessfully, he might add. He didn't know when Noin had found the time, but she had somehow told Relena and Sally about her confession and his lack of one, so now all five of the boys knew, as well as Lady Une and Mariemaia. That was part of the reason he had taken to staying in his house all the time, for anywhere he went he somehow managed to run into someone who would demand why he hadn't grabbed Lu up in a giant hug and kissed her senseless. That hardest part about answering that question was he didn't know why, because he did want to grab her up and kiss her senseless.
He couldn't wait to go to Mars, because then he'd finally be away from all this madness.
Or would he? He'd still be with the problem. He'd only escape the one's taunting him about it.
Escape.
Was he trying to run from this problem? No shock if he was. He seemed to be good at running from what really mattered. Relena alone could testify to that…as could Noin, he admitted reluctantly. He had run from her in more ways than one, more than once. It hurt to admit such a thing, but it was true.
Balling his hand into a fist he punched the ground with more oomph than he meant to. Noin gave him a startled look, and he waved her away to let her know it was okay.
Waved her away. He was doing it again. He loved her so much, but could he ever tell her such a thing, could he ever taint her soul with the burden of having him in her life?
Looking sideways at her as her hair tossed in the wind, he really did not know.
**
Noin jumped when Zechs slammed his fist down onto the sandy beach. Giving him a startled look, he waved his hand, telling her in his private body language that it was okay. She had to work hard to suppress a snort; if everything were okay he wouldn't have tried to punch the ground.
Sighing, she flopped onto her back to watch the clouds instead of the ocean. At least they had ever-moving shapes. She could barely recall a time when she sat on a beach much like this one with her family. Her father had pointed out all the different shapes he saw in the clouds, from clowns to starships to tear drops. Noin, being only a little girl of four or so at the time, had been fascinated by the glimpse of magic her father was showing her. Reveling in her memory, she smiled as she found herself picking out individual shapes in the clouds. She had few happy childhood memories, having had her family murdered brutally in front of her eyes when she wasn't yet eight. Pushing that painful memory away, she remembered the happy times of cloud watching.
That's a big bear there, Lucrezia, Papa said, pointing to a big cloud that did indeed resemble a bear. Really? Lucrezia asked, eyes wide. Are you sure? Papa laughed, tickling her tummy. Of course I'm sure, dear. Now you point something out to me. Lucrezia stared long and hard at the clouds, trying to find the perfect one to point out to her father. It couldn't be just any cloud; this one had to be special, if not to her father than to her. Finally she found the perfect cloud. Look there, Papa. It's a mask made for a man! Papa laughed as he smiled at her, telling her in between his tickling that she would one day marry a man who wore a silver mask.
How right you were, Father, Noin said to herself, drawing her mind back to the present. She'd thought nothing of the memory, and in fact hadn't remembered it until just now. Glancing over at Zechs, she wondered why the memory hadn't surfaced before. Perhaps if it had she would have confessed her feelings to him earlier instead of waiting years to do so. Then again, maybe it was a good thing she hadn't remembered her father telling her such a thing, because she didn't know if Zechs would have had room in his life for a woman during the war. Except that he did have a woman in his life. He just didn't know it, she thought ironically. Such were the ways of men.
Looking at Zechs' back as he continued to think, she smiled, her own personal and private smile reserved for just him. The last time he had just sat down and stared at a large body of water was when they were sixteen and on spring break for the week. The two of them had gone to the shores of Lake Victoria for the day to just have a bit of fun, but he was being plagued at the time by a question. She hadn't known until later that he was contemplating whether or not he should take her with him to the Academy dance to be held in a week. As it was she would never have found out if he hadn't accidentally told Mart, a fellow Academy student. She never knew how Mart got it out of him, but he did, and Mart had told her about it the day they all graduated from Lake Victoria Academy. Even though he hadn't asked her to the dance (which neither of them attended in favour of staying in his room playing poker all evening long), it was nice to know he had thought of her in such a way at that early age.
Remembering that evening of poker playing, Noin grinned. She had convinced him to play strip poker and had won his mask from him. She'd made him spend the rest of the night without it on just to infuriate him. He couldn't do much about it, either, because the mask was hers until morning. At about 11:30 one of the teachers had walked in on them, wondering where the two prize students of the Academy were. Instead of handing her friend his mask for fear he'd not let her have it back once the teacher left, Noin tossed her jacket on his head and coolly told the teacher that neither one of them could dance. She didn't know what the teacher had said to the rest of the staff, or how it had leaked to the students, but for the next month neither she nor Zechs could walk down the hall together or alone without someone making some comment about the night she and Zechs spent together. He hadn't been too happy about it, and in that month alone got into more fights than most of the students usually did in their whole Academy career. Surprisingly enough he'd come out of every fight unscathed. Apparently Mart had been present at most if not all of the fights, and he later told her (yes, on their graduation day) that ninety percent of the fights Zechs had gotten in had been to protect her honour. Of course, Zechs had threatened to kill Mart if he ever told Noin, but Mart had figured since they were graduating Zechs wouldn't be able to do a thing about it. Wisely Noin hadn't told Zechs that Mart had told her, but she often thought of it. She'd never thought he would get into fights over her honour, but on that day it had made her giddy with glee to know such a thing. With a fond smile she remembered her graduation speech as Valedictorian (Zechs had refused to give a public speaking, so she did it in his stead). She had almost blurted out the secret for the whole school to hear, she had been so happy. Zechs would have killed her, of course—or perhaps Mart instead—so she figured it was a good thing she hadn't spilled the beans.
With what she had come to know as her sixth sense, Noin recognized that Zechs was getting up. Without even turning her head she knew it; sitting up slightly she gave him a questioning look. His response was to walk away from her with a backhanded wave. He was just going for a little walk, nowhere out of her sight. Sighing, she went back to lying on her back. Maybe, just maybe, this little walk would do it. She knew he loved her, she just didn't know what he was going to do about it. Closing her eyes, she tried to imagine what life would be like without him, but it was so far out of her comprehension that all she could think up of was death.
**
Zechs stood up. He needed to take a walk, to clear his head. Unfortunately, since he was here with Noin, he couldn't go very far without her worrying, so he satisfied himself with walking to the water's edge and staying there. To no surprise of his, when he stood up Noin turned her head with a questioning look in her eyes. He had long since grown accustomed to her knowing when he left her immediate side; somehow she always knew without ever looking at him. Continuing walking forward, he gave her a backhanded wave. He needed time to think, time to mull over the thoughts tormenting his soul.
He didn't know who had invented love, but he did know they must have planned to make it as complicated as a never-ending maze. Trying to come to terms with his feelings was harder than facing all five Gundams at the same time; at least fighting the five boys was logical, and he could figure them out. But love? Trying to figure out love was harder than counting every single hair on his head. Turning his ice-blue eyes to sea, he let his thoughts drift to Noin. She was his angel. She might not be very angelic to others, but to him, she was Heaven, paradise, bliss. He knew deep in his heart that if she died before him, he would not long outlive her. She was life itself to him. How he had come to earn her love was beyond him. What had he done to deserve it? The most noble thing he had ever done concerning her was to fight for her honour back in the Academy, but she never knew about that, so he couldn't figure out what it was in him that she saw. He was often cold and distant, and as cold-blooded a killer as any. He often found himself comparing himself to historical figures such as Hitler. Was there truly much of a difference? He had killed people as ruthlessly as the once glorious German leader. Sure, Hitler may have killed more people, but Zechs had killed people personally, and not just through armies. His hands were more bloodstained than a butcher's. Was he really worthy of life, let alone love?
Why didn't I die when I blew up Epyon, he thought bitterly. I should have. It would have done the world good. Only three people would have mourned his death: Relena, his loving sister, Jonathan, an old friend, and Noin. Nobody else would have missed him. As far as he knew, the rest of the world glorified in the fact that he blew up his mobile suit. How would they feel if they knew he had survived the blast? He'd probably have a horde of bloodthirsty citizens trailing him around twenty-four seven, waiting to get their revenge at a time when he was alone.
Zechs let his head drop forward. He felt so guilty, so…dirty. He didn't feel like a Peacecraft, or the once-heir of the pacifist Sanq Kingdom. If his father were still alive, he would be so ashamed. Zechs had killed so many…so many…it haunted him. And to think he had once firmly believed in pacifism, had once thought it would work. What a bunch of baloney. If pacifism could really work, then there never would have been a war, and he wouldn't be a rain cloud on everybody's sun. Oh Noin. Could he really taint her beautiful soul with his uncleanliness? Could he really? If it were up to him and him alone, his answer would be never. He'd never do such an awful thing to her. But it wasn't up to him alone; she had as much say in this as he did, if not more. It was her life, after all, that would be ruined. His life couldn't get any crappier no matter what happened. Unless Noin died, of course. That was the only thing that could plunge his life deeper into despair than it already was. He may not be worthy of such beauty, but nonetheless she was his light, the one thing that kept him moving on in life. Were it not for her friendship, there were times back during his Lake Victoria Academy days that he might actually have ended his life. The only reason he hadn't committed suicide was her; he couldn't do that to her. He could never bear to be the cause of her tears.
The cause of her tears. The bloody cause of her bloody tears! Fruit, but wasn't that what he was doing now, causing her tears and grief? She had laid her heart out plain as could be to him. She had entrusted him with something more special and precious than anything else she had to give, and all he could do was shun her. Shun her and ignore her and not give her an answer in return. He owed her that much at the very least, didn't he? At the very least he owed her his response. But could he give it? If he ever said anything, it would be the perfect answer to her perfect statement, but to do that would taint her. Therein lay the root to his problem. Could he taint such beauty with his mark? Dare he try it?
Halfway turning around, he looked back at her. She was lying on her back, eyes closed. He wondered if she was asleep, or just simply thinking. He hoped she was sleeping, because in sleep surely she could escape his idiocy; if she were thinking, then she would more than likely be thinking about him. Zechs often wondered why he never saw her crying. He knew she must have cried sometime, for if the positions were reversed, he surely would have. It was just one more thing he loved about her, her strength, and her will to endure through to the end no matter what.
Endure to the end.
Zechs laughed quietly, for in that moment it all became clear to him. She didn't care. She had said she loved him, and would forever stay by his side. She would do that no matter what, and she would love him for the rest of his life. Nothing he did, except rejecting her, could possibly make her change her mind, and even then perhaps that wouldn't be enough. She was willing to endure to the end if he was. All he had to do was say so. He was an idiot for not seeing it sooner.
He walked back to her and sat down. Noin opened her eyes before stretching out and sitting up to be next to him. He looked her over. She was so beautiful. Not many people would think so, what with her short, terribly tomboyish hair, but to him, she was beautiful, and anything else in comparison was bland and hideous. She was life. She would be in his life. A small smile took his lips. She was so amazing. Even now, with all that must plague her mind, she was content to just simply sit beside him in silence and allow him time to come to terms with all in his life.
Zechs looked into her eyes as his hands clasped hers. "I love you, Noin," he said.
**
Noin's breath caught in her throat as he took her hands in his. He then uttered the four words she had been waiting to hear since she was sixteen. "I love you, Noin." A million thoughts raced across her mind at that moment, all of them full of meaning, yet so pathetic compared to the gift she had just been given. She knew how hard it was for him to say such a thing, how much effort he must have put into that. He had just given her the most precious gift in the world. All the jewels in the world, all the gold and silver and money—it didn't compare a cent to what she had just been given.
Looking him back in the eyes, Noin simply replied, "I know."
The two of them sat there for another hour, staring out at the sea, not thinking, not saying anything, just simply being content to enjoy each other's company while holding hands. They both had what they wanted, and life was good.
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A/N: Well, what did you think? Personally, I think it started out pretty good and then just sorta…died…until it picked up at the end. But that's my opinion, and what do I know, I'm just the author of the story! It also has a crappy title, but I couldn't think of anything else. I've gone on a creative block recently….yeah…so, did ya like it? Review and tell me so! Oh, I mentioned a character in here that belongs to me, Jonathan, and is a very good friend of Zech's in my version of things. But nobody cares about that b/c he's an original character and for some reason nobody cares about other people's original characters even though we love our own. We're weird people. Anywhos, I wrote this story for Angel of Ice, because I read every single Zechs/Noin fic she wrote and she inspired me to write this b/c of it. Please review, reviews make people happy! And I need at least ONE review to satisfy myself, just one! Pretty please? Hope you liked it! ~~Calli