Author's Note: I got this idea one day while sitting on the pot, and it just hasn't left me since… All the Gundam pilots and co. are married with kids, from teenagers on down. I fashioned the Moon Terraformation Project after the Mars Terraformation Project, because once you're done with one planet, why not start on something else? ^_^ I'm a genius. *snort* Just thought I'd let you know.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. If you try to sue me, I'll fall over laughing so hard I'll cry, because the best you'll get is a bunch of stuffed animals, some cheap jewelry, and me. ^_^
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Of All Days
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Walking around the gardens of the Peacecraft mansion in the Sanq Kingdom, Heero Yuy soaked up the sunrays. He hadn't thought he'd enjoy living a life of politics when he married Relena, and he was right, he still hated politics, but he'd come to accept them as part of his life. Fortunately Relena had come up with an idea that made them both happy, as well as Zechs and his anti-politics wife, Noin. They flip-flopped every year as to who was in power. One year Zechs—er, Milliardo—was king of Sanq, and Noin and their three children (Victoria, Benjamin, and Chloe) lived as royalty, while Heero, Relena, and their four children (Mican, Jacqueline, Jackson and Emily) lived in the woods, satisfying Heero's crave to be away from society. The next year Relena would be queen of Sanq, with Heero and the kids living like royalty while Zechs, Noin, Victoria, Benjamin and Chloe lived on Mars or the Moon or wherever it was Noin's work took her. Everybody was happy, and all was good.
Now on this fine June day, Heero had found himself walking around outside with Zechs for a walking partner. Zechs, of all people! The two men had never gotten along, which was why it was so surprising they were together and not exchanging insults or trying to kill each other. If it wasn't for Noin and Relena, Heero was sure that after the Mariemaia incident two of them would have said, "Screw peace!" and grabbed up Epyon and Wing Zero to finish the fight they started at the end of the Eve War.
Heero eyed Zechs up and down. He only had to spend one week of every year with the guy (and maybe a couple of holidays), and this was that one week—the week in which the Peacecraft monarchy was switching. Zechs and Noin were leaving Sanq and heading to the Moon to oversee the end of the Moon Terraformation Project, and the Yuys were moving in.
Zechs caught Heero eyeing him up and down. "You pleased to be moving in, Yuy?" Zechs asked in his deep voice. "You'll get to live like a king for a year."
Heero shrugged. "I hate politics. Living like a king doesn't make up for the backstabbing ninny-heads trying to run the world. And anyways, I'm not a king. Thank goodness I get to leave all that stuff to Relena. The kids and I hate her work."
Zechs gave a laugh. "I can understand that. Noin, Victoria and Benjamin hate my work with a passion. Thank goodness Chloe loves it, for she may very well end up being the next Peacecraft monarch simply because no one else wants to do it. None of your kids are too keen on the job."
Heero shrugged again. "True. But my kids are Yuys. Yours are rightfully Peacecrafts—or at least Chloe is. I know Noin and your older two kids took on your other last name, Merquise. Almost sounds like you and Noin were married before, what with two last names."
"I've actually had someone ask me if Chloe is my daughter and Victoria and Benjamin are my step kids. Sure looks like it and all. Victoria is a mini Noin, and Benjamin has her hair and colouring. The only thing he inherited from me were his eyes. Chloe is a mini me, only female."
Heero didn't respond; what was there to say? Personally, he had often wondered if Noin had done something untrustworthy when it came to Victoria and Benjamin. No surprise if she had; she was, after all, married to Zechs. The only problem with that theory was she loved the blonde with a passion. Heero sighed. No matter what, he could not come up with a way to rid the world of Zechs Merquise. He'd even gone so far as to ask Duo, but that had been a mistake. The braided baka was torn between wanting to leave Hilde's friend's husband alive and wanting to give Heero a missile or two to blow the man up. Heero couldn't blow Zechs up, no matter how much he wanted to; he was Relena's brother, after all, so Heero needed to get the guy away in a clean manner. Something like…kidnap. Unfortunately, Zechs was no amateur and could protect himself. Plus he had Noin around. There were two people in the universe whom Heero did his very best not to make mad: Relena Darlian-Peacecraft Yuy and Lucrezia Noin Merquise. Getting the two of them mad was as smart as stepping in a pit of vipers and swatting at a wasp's nest at the same time as putting the extra foot in water and dropping a live wire in the liquid. No, scratch that: getting them mad was dumber than the above-mentioned things. Any idiot knew that.
"It's nice to be away from the girls for a while," Heero commented, breaking the silence, "even if they are shopping; good thing I'm not the one paying for what Relena buys. She has her own fortune to burn."
Zechs gave a sigh. "Unfortunately, it's the same fortune I'm entitled to, and she's got Lu with her. The two of them are going to bankrupt the Sanq kingdom in a matter of weeks, I just know it." Heero shared a rare smile with the man.
Looking off towards the palace, Heero squinted and noticed his eldest daughter sprinting towards the two war veterans. Her eyes were wide, and a slightly scared look covered her face. What on earth could be happening that would scare Mican? She was as tough as Heero at the very least.
"Daaaaaaaaad!" Mican wailed, throwing herself full-force into Heero. "Dad, I have a major big problem!"
Pulling her off him, Heero set her in front of him. "What's wrong, Mican? I can handle anything."
The look of fear only seemed to grow bigger. "Where's Mom? She's the expert, she can help me! Oh fruit, please don't tell me she's still out with Lucrezia!"
"I will not tell you that she is still out with Noin, even though she is." A whine built up in Mican's voice, and tears sprang into her eyes. "Mican, what's wrong? Tell me, I can help." Mican gave him a fearful look as she turned to Zechs.
"I suppose it's too much to hope that Victoria—no, I'm not even going to ask." Mican started hopping back and forth on her feet, anxiety rolling off her in waves. In a near panic, she said, "I don't even know what Mom did with the stuff or how I should go about looking for it or even how to do it should I find it!"
Heero grabbed Mican's shoulders and shook her. "Gosh darnit, kid, just spit out what's wrong!"
In a small voice, Mican replied, "Dad, I'm bleeding."
Only shaking harder, Heero snapped, "Where?! I told you I can handle anything and this is most definitely in my field of expertise—" He cut off suddenly at Zechs's nervous cough.
"I, uh, think I'll go over by that tree there because it has suddenly become interesting to me even though I can't tell one tree from another," Zechs said nervously. He gave yet another nervous cough and all but ran over to the tall, green tree. Heero scowled at the back of the blonde, before he remembered his daughter.
"Where, Mican, where?!" he demanded.
In a near whisper Mican replied, "Wrong kind of bleeding, Dad. I started my period."
Suddenly that tree looked very interesting. Heero dropped Mican and ran to join Zechs.
"I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU COULD HANDLE ANYTHING!" Mican shouted at his retreating backside.
Zechs observed Heero's pale face and wide eyes. "So, the great war veteran and Gundam pilot, known secretly as The Brick Wall, The Perfect Soldier, and The Prince Consort, and the known assassin, can't handle a simple girly problem."
"Who was the first one to run?" Heero snapped.
"She isn't my daughter."
"So? She's your niece."
Zechs gave Heero a level look. "I can operate a Gundam, I can fix a blender, I can change a car's oil, I can do a puzzle, I can disarm a bomb, but for the life of me I cannot figure out a tampon or a pad. You get me to try and help a girl, and I'm sure she would have been better off by herself."
"Daaad!" Mican called out from behind. "Hello! I have a situation here! HELP!"
Taking a deep breath, Heero turned around to face the biggest battle of his life. "Thank goodness for cell phones," he muttered underneath his breath, beckoning Mican to him and Zechs. She ran over, panic very apparent on her face. "Do you have a cell phone on you, Merquise?" Zechs whipped out a phone and passed it to Heero.
"Dad, you're supposed to be helping me here, not making personal calls!" Mican hissed.
Heero raised an eyebrow as he punched in the numbers then pressed the phone to his ear. "I'm not making a personal call, I'm dialing an expert."
"Hello, Noin speaking."
"Noin? Of all the luck. Is Relena there beside you by any chance?"
"Heero, I take it. Yeah, she's right here. Rel, phone." A moment passed as the phone shifted hands before Heero heard his wife's clear voice ring out.
"Salut, mon coeur! How can I help you?"
"Relena, I have a problem."
"Ugh, oh my goodness, what did you and Zechs break this time?" In the background Heero heard Noin shout, "IF IT'S THAT NEW VASE I BOUGHT YOU'RE BOTH DINNER FOR TONIGHT!"
"I wish it were as simple as that," Heero said in a high, squeaky voice. "Mican is having…problems…"
"Problems? Heero, are you that daft? Just ground her and Jacqueline. The two of them fight entirely too much, and if we don't keep a firm hand they're grow up to be, well, like you."
"Thank you," he answered dryly. "It's nice to know I'm loved."
"I'm sure it is."
"Wrong kind of problem. Think monthly problem. Red monthly problem."
"Heero, is she trying to join a gang or something? We can't have that! She's a Peacecraft! Unless, of course, you are referring somehow to Duo. I can't imagine how, but this is you."
"GOSHDARNITRELENAALRIGHTALREADYI'LLTELLYOUSTRAIGHTOUTSHESTARTEDHERFREAKINPERIODANDIDON'TKNOWWHATTODO!" Mican backed away slowly from Heero, giving him an odd look. For that matter, Zechs backed away too. Heero barely noticed; he had gone red in the face and was seeing spots. Much more of this…womanly business…and he was going to pass out.
Relena's tinkling laugh echoed through the phone. "It wasn't that hard to say, now, was it? Of course, now half of the store knows what this phone call is about, but that's besides the point. Just give her a pad and tell her how to use it. They're located in our bathroom underneath the sink. It says "PAD" on the top, so even an idiot like you couldn't miss it. Good luck!" The phone went dead in his hands. Relena had hung up without even helping him! Heero shoved the phone angrily at Zechs.
Grabbing his hand, Mican asked, "What did she say? Well?"
"She didn't say anything! She's a world leader, and she can manage to keep peace at giant conferences full of idiots, but she can't manage to give her husband help! 'Just give her a pad and keep her happy, Heero.' " He snorted. "Yeah, right! Come on, Mican, I have strict instructions to see this safely through." Grabbing his daughter's hand, Heero all but dragged her to the palace. "Coming, Merquise?"
Zechs grinned. "You kidding? I wouldn't miss this for the world."
Mican groaned. "I feel like an animal at the zoo."
Arriving in the bathroom, Heero discovered that yes, even an idiot like him could miss a bag of sanitary napkins. After five minutes of searching he had to get thirteen-year-old Mican to find it for him.
"Great," Mican said, "we have the pads. Now what?"
Heero paled. "How am I supposed to know?"
"Daaad!" Mican shrieked, "You're supposed to be the genius here!"
Zechs grinned. "And a genius he is." In defeat Mican sank to the bathroom floor and placed her head in her hands. Heero shot a scowl at Zechs, but quickly dropped it for an embarrassed look. No man could pull off a decent scowl while holding a package of feminine napkins in hand.
Footsteps echoed out through Heero's bedroom, and a raven-blue-haired young girl stuck her head in the bathroom. It was Victoria Merquise. "I thought I heard you guys in here! Mom just called me, and between her fits of laughter she told me to go make sure Dad and Heero didn't screw up. What is it I'm supposed to oversee that you grown men can't handle?"
"My life," Mican moaned. Victoria ran to the girl's side and immediately threw her arms around her.
"Oh, Mican dear!" Victoria cooed. "I'm so sorry they're interfering! No man can do a decent anything when it comes to women. Here, love, let me help you with whatever it is. Especially if it's boys. With a father like yours, this could be a more than potentially dangerous subject."
Zechs gave off a loud cough that obviously hid a bought of laughter. Heero dropped the package of sanitary napkins so he could give Zechs a proper glare. Victoria caught sight of what Heero had dropped, and she fell over laughing. "Mican-chan, you're getting my dad and your dad to help you with this?! Oh my pan-fried goodness, you're better off asking Duo what you should wear to a dinner party! I bet they don't even know how to open a pad!" During this little tirade Mican had turned six interesting shades of red, none of which went unnoticed by her peers. "Oh Mican, am I embarrassing you? Dude, girl, you should have been around when I started my period. We were at a school function on Mars, and I nearly flipped. To make matters worse, Mom fell over—fell over—laughing! Laughing! The entire school knew within five minutes! Thank goodness it was a week before school got out and we left for Sanq, and are now going to the Moon, so I don't have to face those people until two years from now."
Faintly, oh so very faintly, Mican said, "Vicci, would you please just shut up and help me here before I pass out?" Laughing, Victoria snatched up the package of pads and rushed Mican off somewhere where Heero wasn't. Thank goodness.
"Womanly business," Heero snorted. "Thank the good spirits we don't have to deal with that stuff."
Zechs gave Heero a truly wicked grin as the two of them left the Yuy bedroom and headed towards the parlour. "The best part about it all is that you have two more daughters to go through this with."
Heero raised an eyebrow. "I wouldn't be too happy were I you, Merquise. You still have Chloe to deal with, and she's far more of a sissy to deal with than Jacqueline or Emily."
The two men having paused in the parlour, Zechs took a menacing step towards Heero. "Say it again, Yuy."
"Chloe is more of a sissy than Jacqueline and Emily."
"Why you!" Zechs roared, leaping on to Heero. The two grown men, one a king of a country, the other the Prince Consort to the queen of a country, rolled around on the parlour floor of the Sanq Kingdom's palace, beating the living crap out of each other. Here and there Heero would land a well-placed punch on Zechs face, and vice versa. Vaguely in the background they heard the front door open, but neither paid the noise any attention.
Female voices and high-heeled footsteps rang out on the marble floor in the palace as Zechs and Heero exchanged insults and beat each other up. "You blonde haired female," Heero snarled.
"Look who's talking, mister brick wall of a stone heart," Zechs growled in response. He let loose a wild punch and the two of them rolled into the coffee table—the one holding Noin's new vase. The very expensive porcelain vase fell to the floor with a smash, shattering all across the floor. Heero and Zechs stopped dead in their struggle.
"HEERO BLOODY YUY AND ZECHS BLOODY FRIGGIN MERQUISE!!!!" Noin's voice screeched out, hitting every part of the palace.
Heero and Zechs shared a look. As one, they said, "Run."
Never, in the history of the universe, have such speeds from two mere mortal men been recorded. And never, in the history of the universe, has such a shrieking been let out from dignified women. And never, in the history of the universe, have there been children such as the seven who cheered their mothers on when tying Zechs Merquise and Heero Yuy to the spit for dinner.
And never, in the history of fic writing, has Callisto Nicol ever had such fun as this.
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Author's Note: ACK, I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST WROTE THAT! *tips over* Did anybody like it? Anybody? Anybody at all? If there is anybody out there who read this, PLEASE REVIEW. I'd love to hear if you liked it, and if I have a funny streak at all! Someone, please, boost my self-esteem else I should be coerced into writing another fic much like this one! ~~Calli