Disclaimer: I forgot the disclaimer in the first chapter. Someone might actually think these people belong to me, and not the good folks at the WB and all those lovely producers. So let's get it straight: They ain't mine. If they were, you'd have an entire episode of Luke mowing a lawn with his shirt off. Maybe Jess would be helping him out. And Tristan, if he could sully his lily-white hands for a while.
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The Substitute, Chapter 2: Introduction of a Non-Native Species, Bugus Jealousitis
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Lorelai and Sookie were on their way to the town meeting, Jackson having opted to stay in his garden and play the squash a little ukulele music because he swore it made them grow better. Sookie swore it made him certifiably insane, but that was one of the things she loved about him.
Lorelai wasn't thinking about squash. She was thinking about big breasted blonde joggers. In fact, she'd been thinking of one in particular for over a day now. Finally, she broke.
"Sookie, if I describe someone to you, do you think you could tell me who they were?"
"Ooh! Are we playing a Lorelai version of 20 questions?"
"No."
Sookie looked a little bummed. "Well, you could try, I guess."
"Tall, blonde, big boobs."
"Pamela Anderson!" Sookie cried out.
"No!"
"Nicole Kidman!"
"Sookie, it's not a famous person. Don't you think I would recognize Pam or Nicole?" Lorelai shook her head. "She was jogging around the square and Luke ran into her. And Nicole Kidman's boobs aren't big."
"Luke's got a girlfriend?" Sookie asked, highly intrigued. That was a once a year thing, like taxes.
"No, Luke literally ran into her. They both fell down, the garbage bag he had in his hand ripped open, it was a lot like watching Mr. Bean. Then they exchanged words."
"Like angry Italian cab drivers?"
"No. They just talked like normal people who were covered in garbage. I don't know what they said, though. I couldn't hear them all the way from the newsstand."
Sookie thought about it. "The only people in town who vaguely fit that description whom I know are the exact same people you know. Maybe she's new."
Lorelai shrugged. "It's not important," she lied.
"Then why'd you ask me?"
"Because I thought it would make better conversation than telling you about my exciting afternoon spent planning my dream wedding to Batman. During the ceremony, the minister guy says, 'you may now kiss the bat,' and I lift his little mask up like a veil."
"He's wearing his costume to the wedding?"
"Of course!" They entered the dance studio.
"I always liked Aqua Man," Sookie admitted.
"So who do you think she is?" Lorelai returned to her object of prior inquiry.
Sookie grinned. "Someone's jealous."
"I am not. I am curious."
"Is that what those crazy kids are calling jealousy nowadays? I can never keep up with their slang. Bad is good, cool is hot, curious is jealous…."
Lorelai cut her off. "I'm not sitting next to you," she threatened as they walked down the aisle looking for a row that had empty seats which weren't near people they didn't like.
"Sounds like a favor, not a threat," a voice behind her said. Lorelai froze in her tracks, and Luke almost knocked over two women in as many days.
Jesus Christ! Was he behind them the whole time? And hey! He talked to her! She was happy and terrified, though what he said did fall in the 'almost an insult' category. But he hadn't said it harshly…
"Wha…you…there," Lorelai sputtered like a broken sprinkler.
Sookie helped her out. "Did you just get here?"
"Yeah."
Lorelai felt the relief. It felt good. "You, uh, wanna sit?" There were three empty seats in a row. Kirk was in the row in front of it, but hey, beggars can't be choosers. "With us I mean, because of course you want to sit, you don't want to stand for the whole meeting because not only is it uncomfortable but Taylor would probably order you to sit and if you were standing it would take all the drama away from when you jump up out of your chair and shout how stupid something is."
Sookie nudged her. "Right now, you're the one shouting stupid somethings," she whispered. Lorelai shut her mouth.
Luke considered it. He could sit with her. It wasn't a big deal. It didn't mean he was grudging any less. It just meant he was sitting in a chair that was in close proximity to Lorelai's.
He sat. They sat. Silence sat down next to them, and brought his friend, Awkward.
"So…" Sookie tried.
Thank god Taylor banged his gavel just then. For the first time, it didn't annoy Luke.
The meeting came to order. Luke tuned out the crap that didn't immediately concern him, or violate his beliefs on what was silly, ridiculous, or superfluous. Blah, blah, lawn maintenance. Blah, blah, save the damn bridge. Luke suspected the reason the bridge always needed saving was because Taylor couldn't think of a better excuse for fundraising nonsense. Blah, blah, painting the gazebo. Blah, blah, new science teacher.
He picked at the frayed hem of his jacket and tried to ignore how good Lorelai's perfume or soap or shampoo or whatever the hell it was she used smelled. If he kept his eyes straight ahead, all he could really see was her left knee. That wasn't sexy. It was just a knee. Hidden under pants. Tight pants.
He shifted in his seat and tried to distract his rebellious thoughts. She'd hurt him with that fight, and he wasn't going to let her off that easy just because she smelled nice and had sexy knees. His friendship wasn't some doormat she could walk all over in her spikey high heeled boots. His train of angry thoughts derailed when the blonde jogging lady stood up near the front of the room.
The Braves had won, he thought to himself. He wondered if that was her team, and hoped she wasn't a Mets fan. The only thing worse than a Mets fan was a Yankees fan, and the only thing worse than a Yankees fan was the guy who peed in subway cars.
Meanwhile, Lorelai gave Sookie a not so subtle kick with her right foot, then made eye gestures at the woman. Sookie mouthed, "That her?"
Lorelai nodded back.
"She's pretty," Sookie mouthed again. Lorelai sneered at that, and Sookie caught it. She coughed. "Jealous." Lorelai smacked her lightly in the arm.
Luke had missed what Taylor had said. He started to lean over to Lorelai, then reconsidered. She paid less attention than he did. Odds were good she was envisioning the whole Bad-Acid-Trip-Tunnel scene from 'Willy Wonka' and figuring out ways to make it better, like adding monkeys or maybe David Cassidy to it. He leaned forward and asked Kirk, "Who's that?"
"New science teacher," Kirk answered. "She's substituting for the year; the old one's on maternity leave. Pay attention," he snapped. Luke gave him a nasty, 'one of these days I might kill you, and today just might be that day' look, but since Kirk was facing the front of the room, it went unnoticed. "She'd never go out with me," Kirk muttered in his pathetic, miserable loser voice.
"That I agree with," Luke said, and leaned back in his chair. He tuned into what Taylor was saying.
"And besides teaching our fine, upstanding Stars Hollow High students the physical sciences, Ms. English will also be the coach of the brand new, Stars Hollow High Ladies Softball Team."
"It's only been three decades since Title IX came out," someone sarcastically called out. Probably a feminist.
"Well you can't have a team if there's no one interested in playing on it," Taylor rebutted.
"And no one's interested in playing if there isn't a team," the feminist retorted.
Lorelai could see this would go on forever. "Yeah! Title IX!" she firmly supported, because it seemed to be the side Taylor wasn't on.
Taylor sighed. "Do you even know what Title IX is?"
"Of course I do, how can anyone not know what Title IX is," Lorelai stalled. Damn Rory for being in Washington. Luke leaned over and whispered something to her. Bless his black, grudge bearing heart. "It's the law that requires equality between the girls and boys team thingies. Because girls can do anything boys can, only better."
"Amen, sister," Patty added.
Ms. English or whatever the hell her name looked highly amused and a little frightened by the back and forth repartee. She went to sit down, but Taylor banged his gavel. "Do you want to address the town?"
"Way to put her on the spot," Lorelai mumbled.
"Well," Ms. English started, "I just want to say that I look forward to the teaching, and the coaching, and are all your meetings like this?" The townsfolk nodded their heads. "Okay, so I look forward to those too."
She didn't talk much, Lorelai noted. It reminded her of a certain restaurant owner she knew, who was definitely not named Al. She swallowed the little lump in her throat.
Taylor nodded, satisfied by her short speech. "Very well. Any questions?"
Bootsy stood up. "Are you single?"
"You don't have to answer that," Taylor said, then added, "although we do have a lovely fundraiser in the spring, where the single ladies make baskets-"
"Twenty-five dollars!" Kirk shouted out. "First dibs!"
"A festival that is still eight months away," Taylor informed her, and proceeded to explain how Kirk was not making a solicitation, and how the baskets are auctioned on.
Luke stood up and cut him off. "Are you a Mets fan?" he asked straight-out.
"Never," she answered back, quite firmly.
"Good," Luke said, and sat back down.
Sookie nudged Lorelai. "I think he's in loooove." She kept her voice low so Luke wouldn't hear her.
"Shut up," Lorelai said in an equally low volume when she failed to think of a witty retort. Sookie smacked her on the arm. "What was that for?"
Sookie smirked and pretended to wipe something off her hand. "Oh, there was just a jealousy bug crawling on your arm. Good thing I got it before it bit you."
Lorelai saw the little smile tugging on the edges of Luke's mouth. When was the last time he'd smiled like that at her? Today was the first time in a while that he'd even talked to her in a slightly civilized manner. And what was he doing? Smiling and flirting and knocking over busty science teachers was not the Typical Luke Danes Behavior Pattern. Lorelai frowned. "I'm not jealous."
-end ch.2-
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