A/N: I apologize in advance to the Wizard of Oz. You'll see why soon enough. (But I refuse to apologize to Star Wars because I'm still waiting for George Lucas to give me my money back for Episode I and II).
* * *
Ch. 10: All Ho's Eve
* * *
At least they weren't one of those icky couples, Lorelai thought as she watched Luke and Jay talking from her table at the diner. They weren't all snuggly and kissy and calling each other 'Pookie.' At least not in public. But since Lorelai wasn't exactly invited to their private activities, she could only speculate.
And as if the speculation wasn't bad enough, Jay had made a few girl to girl comments that Lorelai really hadn't wanted to know. Why the hell was she nice to Luke's girlfriends? She'd ended up liking Rachel, and it wasn't like she could have stopped being nice to Jay once Luke and her had hooked up.
Lorelai blamed herself and her unique brand of friendliness and openness. If only she was like Kirk, then people wouldn't talk to her. But then she'd be like Kirk…
"It's not polite to do that," Sookie said.
"Huh?" Lorelai had completely forgotten about Sookie.
"You're staring. Again."
"I'm observing human behavior. It's an experiment. I'm like Freud."
Sookie decided to let it pass. "Did you decide on your Halloween costume yet?"
Lorelai shook her head. "There are so many choices! Halloween should really be more than once a year."
"But it's a week away. Ooh! Since Rory's already got her costume, you can ask Jay to be Bubbles, I can be Blossom, and you could be Buttercup!"
"No."
"But Luke could be the Professor!"
"I don't think the Professor's sleeping with Bubbles."
"Now I can't watch that show anymore." Sookie took a bite of her burger, then almost spit it out. "Wait! How do you know they're sleeping together? They could be taking it slow or something. Luke and Jay, not the Professor and Bubbles, because ick!"
Lorelai grimaced. "Well, since Jay and I befriended each
other, she's taking that 'friend' part literally. Which means I got to hear all
about how cute Luke was when he was afraid to spend the night at her apartment,
because she rents from Taylor, and Luke was paranoid that Taylor had put
cameras all over like in 'Sliver' to make sure none of his tenants broke a
rule." Lorelai savagely bit a French fry. "Apparently, he spent twenty minutes
inspecting the air vents."
Sookie giggled. Lorelai frowned at her. "What? I can totally picture that," Sookie explained.
"Yes, so can I. And then I end up picturing what happened when he finished checking the vents."
"He 'checked the vents,'" Sookie said knowingly.
"Yeah." Lorelai attacked another French fry.
Jay stood up, and Lorelai couldn't tear her eyes away in time to avoid witnessing a quick goodbye kiss. Maybe if she tossed one of her French fries in front of the door, Jay would slip on it and kill herself.
"What is wrong with me?" Lorelai demanded, appalled by her thought. She really, truly did like Jay; but whenever Jay was in the presence of Luke, all Lorelai could think of was grabbing her by that stupid blonde hair and yanking her really hard. Or maybe wrapping it around her neck and choking her.
Sookie looked up from her meal. "That's rhetorical, right? Because I don't want to answer it and then get in trouble."
"What? You think there are things wrong with me?"
Sookie gulped down the food she was chewing. "No," she quickly said.
* * *
"Mom, we're going to be late!" Rory yelled up the stairs. When Lorelai had finally decided on a costume, she had refused to reveal what it was to Rory. Which made Rory a little suspicious, and a lot nervous.
Rory adjusted the angel wings on her back; they were digging into her shoulder blades and the words she would use to describe the pain just weren't becoming of an angel. "Mom!" she called again.
"I'm almost ready," Lorelai yelled from her room. Soon, Rory heard her footsteps and looked up the stairs. "What do you think?" Lorelai asked.
"I think, 'Where's your costume?' Because that's just underwear!"
Lorelai looked down at her costume. "Oh! I did forget something." She pulled a bag out of the hall closet and removed a pair of bunny ears, slipping the headband onto her head. "There. All done."
"You cannot go as a Playboy bunny!"
"Why? There's no rule against it."
"Yes, but I'm sure Taylor will make one for next year."
"So next year I won't go as a Playboy bunny." Rory tapped her foot, waiting for an explanation. Lorelai sighed. "I couldn't decide, and then two nights ago I watched 'Bridget Jones' Diary' and my mind became all mushy by the Hugh Grant hotness. Hence, bunny."
Rory rolled her eyes. "Fine."
They grabbed their coats and headed out the door. "Twenty bucks says Kirk's wearing the Captain Kirk costume again," Lorelai said.
"How about you give me twenty bucks not to take a picture of you and send it to Grandma."
"Devil child."
* * *
"What's Sookie wearing?" Rory asked, looking around Miss Patty's studio, which was all done up for the Halloween party.
"I talked her out of going as Molto Mario," Lorelai said. "The fat guy on the Food Channel," she elaborated when Rory looked confused.
"Which one? There are like, seven of them."
"The redhead, the one who talks about Italy and why the hell am I still talking about him? She and Jackson came as Dorothy and the Scarecrow, but I think 'Scarecrow' is just an elaborate way to say Jackson glued some dead grass onto his shirt."
"I didn't know Dorothy married the Scarecrow."
"Long lost third movie that can only be found in adult video stores."
"Don't give it a name," Rory begged.
Lorelai couldn't help herself. "'The Wizard of Oz III: I'm Getting Off to See the Jizzard.'"
"Mom, that is so disgusting! I don't think angels are supposed to hear things like that!"
"Oh, come on. You saw 'Something About Mary' when you were twelve. And admit it, it was clever. Look at you, you're smiling. You're a naughty angel!" She saw someone in the crowd. "Oh! Gimme twenty bucks; Kirk's wearing his Captain Kirk uniform."
"I never took that bet. And I brought my camera, so look extra trashy when I take your picture for Grandma."
Lorelai adjusted her bustier, pushing her cleavage up higher. "There, how's that?"
Rory took a step away. "I think I'll mingle."
"You do that. I'm going to go ask Taylor if he came as Mr. Rogers."
"But he's not wearing a costume; he just has on a little button that says 'Happy Halloween.'"
"I know."
"Be prepared for 'dire consequences.'"
"You can always say 'I told you so.'"
Rory merged into the crowd, and Lorelai was about to push Taylor's buttons when Luke and Jay entered. She froze mid-step. Luke had never come to the Halloween party for as far back as she could remember. He wasn't dressed up though; he was just wearing an average flannel and baseball hat.
They took their coats off and put them on the rack. Lorelai saw that Jay was wearing nothing. Actually, she was wearing about as much clothing as Lorelai. Luke looked slightly uncomfortable, surrounded as he was by people wearing ridiculous costumes, but Jay was smiling, taking in the scene. Ugh. They were holding hands.
Lorelai was going to go look for Sookie so she could make snarky, albeit hypocritical, comments about Jay's costume, but was spotted by the couple. Her quick escape now unfeasible, she gave them a bright smile. "Hey! I know you!" she said to Luke. "You're the guy who owns the diner and has never come to one of these things before."
"First time for everything," Luke said.
"Plus, it helps that you've got a hottie on your arm," Lorelai said, exercising her acting skills. She could pretend to be supportive until the cows returned from wherever the hell it was that cows went when they left home.
Jay blushed. "I was afraid this would be a little too…much," she said, indicating her costume. Then she rethought her words. "Or, really, too little."
"Nah. Princess Leia in the gold bikini is always a hit. And Kirk's on the judging panel, so you've got a good shot of winning."
"You might, too. Nice tail," Luke said to Lorelai.
"Last minute costume decisions mean your choice is limited to what the rental place has left," she lied. She'd made the damn costume herself. "I should write a children's book about it. It's quite an important life lesson to learn." She looked at him. "So who are you supposed to be? Paul Bunyan? The Flannel Avenger?"
Jay laughed. Luke rolled his eyes. "I'm Luke," he said, as if the answer was obvious.
Lorelai got it. "So you two came as Luke and Leia!"
Jay grinned. "I was hoping someone would get it."
"Well, I'm clever like a fox."
"Or a bunny."
"I hate to burst your bunny-bubble, but Playboy bunnies aren't really known for their intellect," Luke said. Lorelai put her hands on her hips. "But there's always an exception…" he added.
Lorelai got even with him. "Maybe I'll go enter you two into the couples contest."
Luke gave them both his patented death glare. "If either of you even think about it, I'm cutting off your coffee and your veggie burger supply," he threatened, pointing to Lorelai and Jay respectively.
"You wouldn't!" both Jay and Lorelai said at the same time.
"Oh, I would."
"I think he's giving in to the Dark Side," Jay said.
"Anger does lead to hate, which leads to the Dark Side, so sayeth Yoda," Lorelai pointed out.
"Speaking of the Dark Side, has anyone seen Jess? He didn't come back after school, and I doubt he was helping the kids trick or treat. I'm a little afraid he might be pulling pranks. Not that he really needs a holiday to do that, but it might encourage him even more."
"He was in class today," Jay said. "Not that it really helps."
"Actually, Rory mentioned earlier that she'd talked him into dressing up, so he probably went to get a costume."
Luke arched an eyebrow. "Jess dressed up? As what, Slacker Man? Loud Music Playing Punk?"
Taylor, who was walking past them at the moment, overheard Luke's question. "His costume is quite appropriate." Then he eyeballed Jay and Lorelai. "Unlike some people's…"
Lorelai groaned. "Move along, Mr. Rogers." Then, through the crowd, she saw Jess. "That's his costume? He sure does take after you."
Jay and Luke turned to look. Jess was wearing his regular clothes.
"Maybe he came as a hoodlum," Luke suggested.
"No, he's got little horns on his head, under his hair. I think. Maybe that's just his hair. Sometimes he seems to go a little wacky with the mousse," Jay said.
"At least he doesn't cover it with a baseball cap," Lorelai muttered. Jay snickered. Luke decided he'd go talk to Jess because women discussing him just wasn't something he wanted to listen to.
"Where'd you go this afternoon?" he asked his nephew. Jess turned around to face him, and Luke jumped back. "Jesus! What the hell?"
"I went in to Hartford and got these," Jess said, pointing to his red contact lenses with flames in the center.
Rory walked up to them with punch in her hand. "And the horns, too," she pointed out.
"Fine. Well, don't stay out too late. And Rory, keep him away from eggs and toilet paper."
"I'll use all my heavenly powers."
Luke headed back to where Jay and Lorelai were standing.
"You coming back tonight or no?" Jess asked as Luke was walking away.
Luke looked over at Jay in the gold bikini. "No."
Jess smirked. "Earn me an 'A,' Uncle Luke."
* * *
Lorelai was holding her little award for 'Best Female Costume' and trying not to throw it at Jay's head. It wasn't like Jay and Luke were blatantly making out on the dance floor, but the hand holding and exchanging of looks was beginning to grate her nerves like parmesan cheese. She took a little solace in the fact that Jay gave up on getting Luke to dance, and had spent a good half hour getting jiggy with Kirk, who didn't have a date like always.
Which left Luke free for Lorelai to talk to.
"So, having fun?" she asked him, unable to tear her eyes away from Kirk's form of dancing. Although, she wasn't even sure if it could be labeled 'dancing.' It looked like he was an epileptic extra in a Richards Simmons, 'Sweatin' to the '80s Breakdancing Craze' video.
"It beats giving candy to ungrateful kids."
"Wow, you give them candy? I figured you to be the guy who gives them those little boxes of raisins."
"This year I'm the guy who gives them nothing."
"How very Uncle Louie of you."
"They'll live."
"Follow me to the snack table and I'll eat a piece of fruit just for you," Lorelai said.
He nodded. "You don't have to eat the fruit," he said as he walked with her.
Lorelai let out a sigh of relief. "Good, because that carrot cake is calling my name. 'Lorelai!' Can't you hear it?"
"You know, carrot cake does have real carrots in it."
"Duh, I knew that. But it's also got yummy cream cheese icing." She popped a big piece in her mouth, and mumbled something.
"Try saying that again, Don Corleone."
Lorelai swallowed. "So, are you bummed about your repealed 'Best Couple' award?"
"I never accepted that damn thing, so it couldn't be repealed."
"It was funny when Taylor threw that hissy fit about you not being in costume, and how you should be disqualified."
"Nothing about it was funny. I'm blaming you, by the way."
Lorelai held her hands up in protest. "I swear to the gods of coffee that it wasn't me. Word on the street is Miss Patty did it. Or Babette. Or possibly Sookie. There's a small faction who think it was Jess." Lorelai frowned. "The word on the street isn't nearly as reliable as it used to be."
"But at least the drugs are still good."
Lorelai grinned. "Look at that. Luke made a joke! And some say it couldn't be done. Hey, Bootsy, Luke made a joke. A drug joke!"
Bootsy shrugged. "Luke is a joke."
"Get out of here before I stab you with Lorelai's stupid trophy," Luke threatened. Bootsy complied, grumbling as he walked away.
"My trophy isn't stupid."
"They gave you a trophy for coming in your underwear and a bowtie."
"And bunny ears! No one ever counts the ears."
"Yeah, well, it looks good on you," he admitted.
Lorelai tried to hide her excitement, and play it off like his seven words didn't make her heart hammer. "I bet you say that to all the bunnies."
Jay bounced up to them at that moment. "You guys are missing out on some great dancing. Actually, I only stopped because Kirk pulled a muscle and I didn't want to be out there alone. Ooh, carrot cake."
She took a piece one-eighth the size of the one Lorelai had taken. "You're eating cake!" Lorelai pointed out. Maybe Luke would dump her.
"Carrot cake. Carrots are healthy."
Luke just shook his head. "How much longer are we going to be here?"
"We can go now, if you want. I wouldn't mind; you're looking pretty hot."
"Jesus," Luke grumbled, flushing slightly.
"It's fun to make him all flustered, don't you agree?" Jay playfully asked Lorelai.
"Oh, yeah, super fun. All the monkeys in that barrel are feeling a little threatened." Lorelai couldn't force her smile anymore for fear her face would break.
"Bye, Lorelai!" Jay said.
Luke followed her. "See you tomorrow."
"Right. Tomorrow." Luke was out of earshot, but she was still talking. "The day after today. The day after you two have tons of horrible, Star Wars role playing sex. You are aware that Luke and Leia are siblings, right? So it's totally wrong." She watched them leave.
"You look particularly violent right now," Sookie said, coming up to Lorelai.
Lorelai shook her head. "What?"
"Well, you're staring again, only this time there's a murderous glint in your eye, and it looked like you were talking to yourself." Sookie took the little trophy out of Lorelai's hand. "Let's just keep all pointy objects out of your grasp, okay?"
Lorelai sighed. "Sookie, I think I'm jealous," she admitted.
"Took you long enough," Sookie muttered.
Lorelai gave her a look. "Don't make this harder."
"Sorry." Sookie knew that it was a big step for Lorelai.
"I really do like her, but when she touches Luke I want to chop off her hands."
Sookie nodded knowingly. "Yep. That would be jealousy."
"And then deep fry her fingers."
"Okay, I get the point," Sookie said, grossed out.
"And look what I'm wearing!" Lorelai gestured to her outfit. "Could it be any more obvious that I'm trying to get his attention? I should have written a note on my boobs that said, 'Look at these, Luke!'"
"Well, you could have come as Eve, or Lady Godiva."
"I don't eat apples unless they're coated in caramel, and I don't know how to ride a horse."
"It's a good skill to have," Sookie commented.
"When would I ever need to ride a horse?"
"If the horse's name is Luke…"
"Oh my god! Sookie, shut up!"
"Ride 'em cowboy! Or wait, I guess it would be 'cowgirl.' Ride 'em cowgirl!"
"Stop it! Stop it right now!"
Sookie giggled. "I think the punch is spiked."
"That is a definite possibility."
"Okay, so wonderful. You've admitted you want Luke. Now, if you'll excuse me, Dorothy's gonna take the scarecrow to see the wizard. If you know what I mean."
"I wish to God I didn't."
Sookie left to find Jackson, and Lorelai stood rooted to the spot, unable to get the horrible mental images of two of her favorite movies being completely defiled out of her head.
-end ch.10-
What are Rory and Jess up to? I don't know. I'll leave it up to you guys to interpret if they're friends or more than that.
A/N 2: This was supposed to be a short fic to work on while I was stuck on my long fic. And now it's half the size of the long fic and not getting any smaller. But there're only about four chapters to go, so now we're getting to the good stuff. Finally!