* * *
Ch. 11: Shopping With the Enemy
* * *
"Extra pancakes today, please," Lorelai informed Luke.
"Why?"
"Because I need my strength. I plan on doing some vigorous physical activity today."
Luke's eyebrows rose in disbelief. "Why?" The most physical activity Lorelai did was when she jumped up and down and begged for coffee.
Lorelai was shocked. "How can you not know? Today is Black Friday!"
"Is that some sort of Pagan holiday?"
"It's the day after Thanksgiving, Luke! The busiest retail day of the year with mad crazy sales!"
"I was wondering why you were in here at seven without grumbling about how much you hate the morning."
The bell tinkled, and Jay walked in, sweaty from her morning jog. Lorelai felt an instant wave of laziness wash over her. She had complained about walking to the Jeep in the morning. At least the colder weather had forced Jay to abandon her tank top and bicycle shorts for sweats. Lorelai suspected Kirk had an entire photo album devoted to the previous outfit.
"Lorelai!" she greeted. "Just the girl I wanted to see." She sat on the stool next to Lorelai, and leaned over the counter to give Luke a kiss on the cheek. Lorelai held back the urge to push her off the stool. "I was planning on hitting the Hartford malls, today being Black Friday and all, and was wondering if you might like to accompany me. It's always better to work in a team."
"That's what I told Rory!" Lorelai said, her excitement overriding her pre-programmed hostility. "But she said last year I traumatized her in my overzealousness, and declared a total embargo on shopping in November."
"What did you do to the poor girl?"
"Threatened to tie her to a rack of clothes with a belt so no one would steal them while I went to the dressing room," Lorelai said, nonchalantly taking a sip of coffee. "It wouldn't have been that bad for her."
"Sometimes, you frighten me," Luke said, not looking up from his daunting task of putting donuts in the display case without letting Lorelai steal one.
"Boo!" She stuck her hand out for a donut, and he smacked it lightly with the tongs.
"I'm going away from the girly shopping stuff now. Breakfast?" Luke asked Jay before leaving.
"Pancakes. They look good," she said, eyeing Lorelai's plate.
He nodded and went back to the kitchen, calling over his shoulder, "Don't touch them!"
Lorelai guiltily lowered her hand from the donut case. "Meanie," she grumbled.
"So we can go together?" Jay asked.
"Yeah, that's fine," Lorelai answered Jay's question. "Oh, but I'm warning you now- you might have trouble keeping up with me. I'm like the Tasmanian Devil of shopping."
Jay grinned. "I think you might have trouble keeping up with me."
"We'll just see about that."
Jay got off the stool. "I'm gonna go shower away the funk now."
Before Lorelai could ask how she planned to go all the way back to her apartment and be back in time for the pancakes she'd ordered, Jay was already up the stairs to Luke's place. The implications of that were not good. The remaining friendliness in Lorelai decided to go on vacation, and brought jealousy in to house-sit.
Lorelai had just started in on her pancakes about ten minutes later when Jay returned, showered and dressed and with her make-up already on. That's it, Lorelai decided. Jay couldn't possibly be human; no woman could get ready that fast. Maybe she was a demon. Or a succubus!
Lorelai watched Luke set a plate of whole wheat blueberry pancakes and a mug of green tea in front of Jay once she'd returned to the counter. Lorelai had been sitting there the whole time and she knew Jay hadn't specifically said 'blueberry' or 'whole wheat.' She'd just said 'pancakes.'
Definitely a succubus.
* * *
Their arms were already full, but neither woman was ready to stop. Lorelai was getting hungry though, so when they passed by the food court, she suggested a short lunch break.
They went their separate ways to procure food, then found a table in the crowded food court.
"So, uh, did you get Luke a Christmas present yet? He can be a hard guy to shop for. One year, because we couldn't find him anything, Rory and I went an entire day without begging him for coffee as his present."
Jay laughed. "That must have been hard. I've seen you two beg, and it seems like a daily habit."
"Well, we ended up begging twice as much the next day." Lorelai took a sip of her coffee. "Maybe you could get Luke one of those cell phones that takes pictures for Christmas." And then he would dump her.
"Oh, no, I found his present already."
Lorelai practically seethed. Jay made it sound like it was the easiest thing in the world. She'd probably just gotten him a year's supply of wheat germ or something.
Lorelai took a bite of her burger and looked at Jay's salad.
"You don't eat any meat at all?"
"I eat fish because I hate them. All creepy with their big fish eyes." Jay shuddered. "But that's only once in a while."
"And you don't miss stuff like hamburgers ever?" Lorelai asked incredulously. How could someone give up hamburgers when they were so yummy?
"Sometimes I get a craving. Especially when I first stopped eating beef. But it's been almost ten years, so I don't miss it too much anymore."
Ten years without a hamburger. Lorelai could barely grasp the concept. "Can I ask why you quit?"
"I was the baby of the family, so my dad retired from the Army when I was just finishing high school, and he bought a ranch in Montana. I spent the summer between high school and college there. It turns out beef doesn't come in nice little packages from the supermarket."
Jay took a sip of her tea, and continued with the story. "One afternoon I was barbecuing, and a calf walked right up to me, and just gave me this look. I could almost hear her voice in my head, 'You're grilling my mommy!' I dropped the spatula and ran back into the house."
Lorelai swallowed, her burger suddenly tasteless. "I can see how that would be creepy."
Jay nodded. "It was just so Outer Limits-y, you know?"
Lorelai choked on her burger. She motioned that she was okay when Jay gave her a concerned look. Lorelai finished her hamburger with a lot less relish, and not the kind made from pickles. Jay stabbed at her salad. Lorelai wasn't sure how anyone could eat raw broccoli and cauliflower. They were only good cooked in butter or cheese.
"Also, the worldwide demand for beef increases every year, and cows contribute a significant percentage of methane to the atmosphere, and methane's a nasty greenhouse gas. They slash and burn the rainforest in South America to make pasture land because it's one of the few ways to turn a profit, only the problem is that after a few years, it loses its fertility and they end up slashing and burning even more rainforest."
Luke had only said 'red meat'll kill you.' Lorelai much preferred his speech. This was like eating lunch with Bono.
* * *
"Rory!" Lorelai called from the front door, nearly staggering under the weight of her purchases.
"Please tell me that's all you bought," Rory said, walking in from the kitchen.
Lorelai snorted. "There are a whole bunch of bags waiting for you to bring them in from the Jeep."
Rory groaned.
"Half the stuff is for you," Lorelai informed her.
Rory was out the door. Lorelai put the bags in the living room and went out to help Rory.
They dumped the last of the bags on the pile Lorelai had begun in the living room.
"Whatcha get me?" Rory asked.
"How polite."
"Please, tell me what you got me, Dear Mother."
Lorelai took one bag and tossed it up the stairs. "Well, those are your Christmas presents so you'll have to wait another month to see those." Rory began upending bags and ooh-ing at the stuff that was for her, and tossing aside the stuff that wasn't.
Lorelai put the stuff that wasn't for her or Rory away. "I got everyone on the list done. It's like a new record. I have no more need to do Christmas shopping."
"Yeah, like that will stop you from going to the mall." Rory went through another bag, and nearly died laughing.
"What?" Lorelai said, trying to see what was so funny. "Did you find the shirt with the picture of the monkey that looks like he's on crack? Because that's so mine."
Rory laughed again. "No. It's the picture of you and Jay with Santa Claus. Just how old are you guys again?"
Lorelai snatched the Polaroid from Rory. "The guy playing Head Elf was totally hot."
"Was it the pointy shoes that did it for you?"
"He was super hot! I'm talking Legolas in 'Lord of the Rings' hot!"
Rory stopped laughing. "In that case…" She put the picture on the side table. "Nice to see you and Jay have the same taste in guys."
Lorelai frowned.
"So did you enjoy your little outing with the enemy?"
"She's not the enemy," Lorelai lamely defended.
"Whatever you say," Rory played along, but she knew her mother too well. "How much info did you get out of her?"
Lorelai dropped the shirt she was holding and dished. "Okay, so she has four older brothers which accounts for why she knows all about sports and stuff, and one of them, I don't remember which, was signed by the Braves and that's why she likes them so much, but he's on their minor league team or something so I can't get the hook up with any hot millionaire baseball players."
"You don't even know who any are."
"That Ken Griffey Jr. guy was on the back of a cereal box once. I know him."
Rory rolled her eyes. "Okay, go on then."
"She's moved fourteen times in her life, and before New York she lived in Seattle, and highly recommends that if we ever think of leaving Stars Hollow, we should move there, because there are a minimum of three coffee shops on every block."
"Ooh, good call," Rory said.
"She thinks Kirk's cool."
Rory dropped the pair of shoes she was looking at. "What?"
"I know! It's so weird, that someone thinks Kirk's weirdness is not weird at all. Isn't that one of the signs of the Apocalypse?"
"That and 'Glitter.'"
"Oh, that reminds me, we need to rent it and make fun of it."
Rory nodded. "Let's also get 'Titanic' again. One disaster deserves another."
Lorelai got up. "Let's go now. We can hit Luke's for coffee."
"And maybe some flirting," Rory added.
"I wasn't going to flirt," Lorelai defended. Rory arched an eyebrow. Lorelai frowned. "I don't like how observant and knowing you are."
Rory shrugged her shoulders. "I'll try to hide in my room and hate the world and write poetry about how no one understands me later."
"That's better." Lorelai put her coat back on. "Oh, and she made me listen to Def Leppard on the way back," she added.
Rory should have known her mom wasn't done discussing Jay. "You love Def Leppard."
"Not anymore," Lorelai grumbled. They walked outside and got in the Jeep. "Are you ready for the bomb to be dropped?"
"Fire away."
"They offered her a permanent position at the school."
"Is she taking it?"
Lorelai started the Jeep with a vicious turn of her wrist. "Yes." Lorelai faced the implications of that all over again; a part of her had been counting on Jay leaving at the end of the school year. Now, she was staying in Star's Hollow. For good. With Luke, for good.
Rory bit her lip as she too, understood what that meant. "That's not good."