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Ch. 12: Pigskins and Sex Pistols
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"What is going on here?" Rory asked Lorelai as they spotted a commotion in the square.
"Maybe there's a lynching," Lorelai suggested. Maybe they were lynching science teachers for that whole evolution thing again.
"It seems to be a sport of some kind."
"Lynching is a sport. I saw it on ESPN3. It came on right after the Lumberjack contest."
"Lynch is a funny word," Rory pointed out. "But not a funny thing. Isn't that funny, but weird funny? Now that I think about it, 'funny' is a weird word too."
"You think that's funny, you should see the lumberjacks. There's one event where they run on a log in the water. I thought they only did that in Bugs Bunny cartoons!"
They reached the square and saw that it was actually a game of touch football. "Let's be cheerleaders!" Rory suggested.
"Good idea," Lorelai said, and they both sat down on a nearby bench. When it looked like something good happened, they idly raised their hands and said 'Yay,' in monotone voices.
"What're you two doing here?"
Lorelai looked up at Luke. He had on a long sleeved sweater thing, and no flannel. It was very confusing. "I'm sorry, who are you?"
"We're cheerleaders," Rory explained.
"Rory, don't talk to strangers," Lorelai chided.
"I know I'm gonna regret this, but you wanna join the game? You could at least block."
"Or we can sit here on the bench and be cheerleaders and look pretty and vacant."
"We're pretty vacant," Rory bubbled in her cheerleader voice.
"Can you believe Tiffany? She and Brett were totally all over each other. What a ho!"
"Like, oh my god, no way!" Rory played along.
"I so need to get out of here," Luke muttered.
"He so needs to get out of here," Lorelai repeated in her cheerleader voice.
"I didn't say it like that!"
"Like, I didn't say it like that!" Rory echoed.
"You two are insane!" He stalked back over to the game.
They turned their attention back to the action, as much as a rag-tag game of touch football starring people like Jackson, Kirk, Bootsy, Andrew, and the Collins kid, among others could be called 'action.'
"Do you think Luke's the quarterback?" Lorelai asked. "That's the only position I know." She smirked, "Football-wise, that is."
Rory groaned.
"I'd call him the tight end, instead," Miss Patty answered from behind them. "And what a nice end it is."
Lorelai made room for her on the bench, and the three of them watched the guys play. At some point, the troubadour wandered up and began singing an acoustic version of 'Are You Ready For Some Football?'
"Did you see that?" Lorelai said when Luke threw the ball to Andrew, who was all the way across the square. "He threw it like a thousand feet!"
"Impressive," Rory agreed.
Both Lorelai and Miss Patty were thinking dirty Luke thoughts at that moment.
"Bowl fever strikes again," Jay said as she walked up to the bench, two bags from Doose's in her arms.
Lorelai grimaced. How was she supposed to enjoy her Luke thoughts now? "Is that like E. bola?" she asked.
Jay laughed. "No, it's an affliction that strikes many men in the days between Christmas and New Year's. Rose Bowl, Orange Bowl, Fiesta Bowl, Sugar Bowl," she explained, as if the words actually meant something to Lorelai. She set her bags on the ground. "They must have been excited; that entire week without snow left the ground clear to play on."
"Global warming doesn't look too bad now, does it?" Lorelai joked.
"Until the summer when you complain how hot it is," Rory pointed out.
Luke must have spotted them, because he called for Jay to join them. She took off her coat and obliged.
"No fair," Bootsy pointed out. "Now you've got an extra player."
"Lorelai, join us!" Jay suggested.
"What? Are you crazy?"
"Yeah, I'll second that," Luke said.
Lorelai stood up. "You think I can't cut it?" she asked him, a challenge in her voice. 'Anything Jay could do, Lorelai could do better' was her new motto.
Luke just shook his head. Lorelai handed her purse to Rory.
"Mom…" Rory warned.
"Don't worry, Rory, I took P.E. in high school."
"Oh, now I'm so relieved," Rory sarcastically replied.
"Although I did skip that class a lot," she admitted, and joined the group, glad that she'd worn her sneakers today.
"You're on my team," Jackson told her.
"Unfortunately for you," Luke added.
Lorelai stuck her tongue out at him. She turned to Jackson.
"Okay, what do I do?"
"You can be the center. After you snap me the ball…"
Lorelai cut him off. "Snap?"
"Pass the ball to me between your legs."
"This game is so dirty."
Jackson flushed. "Okay, so you just pass me the ball when we're on offense. Offense is when we have the ball," he clarified before she could ask.
"And when we're on defense, we don't have the ball, so what do I do?"
"Then you pretend that the ball is a big mug of coffee, and you go run over to Luke and try to get it from him."
"I can do that!"
"Good, because you're going to do that right now, since we're on defense." Jackson pointed to a make believe line on the ground. "That's the line of scrimmage. Now just stand there until the ball moves and don't cross it before that."
"Scrimmage is also a funny word," Lorelai said, taking her place.
Kirk snapped the ball to Luke, and everyone rushed past her. Lorelai jogged up to Luke, who was searching down field for an open receiver.
"Give it to me!" she said, taking a step closer and following Jackson's advice to pretend the football was coffee.
"No."
"Please," she whined.
"No."
She lunged for it, and Luke jumped back and held the ball over his head.
"But I want it!"
He sidestepped her before she could tag him. "You can't have it."
"But I need it!"
He dodged another lunge. "Get open, damn you," he muttered.
Lorelai stopped lunging and bounced on her toes. "Please, please, please, Luke?" She smiled and batted her eyelashes. His arm went back and he threw the ball. Lorelai tried to catch it, but it was way over her head. Someone must have caught it and done something good, because another unenthusiastic 'Yay' came from Rory.
Luke looked at her. "That is the weirdest way to play football I have ever seen."
"Jackson told me to pretend the ball was coffee."
"That explains it. Now go away."
"What?" Lorelai couldn't believe he was being rude to her.
"Go back to your team, or you'll be offsides."
"Oh, football stuff, gotcha." Lorelai joined her teammates on their side of the scrimmage line. She giggled to herself. "Scrimmage."
Jackson gave her the ball, and she mimicked what Kirk had done. "You guys better not be looking at my butt," she said, then hiked the ball when Jackson told her to.
"Lorelai, try to scare off any people coming towards me," Jackson suggested.
Kirk was scampering up, intent on sacking Jackson. Lorelai ran up to him. "You can't go past me!"
"Why not?" he asked, and tried to get around her.
"Because I'll steal your last shred of dignity and yank your sweatpants down."
Kirk stopped in his tracks. "Good block." He backed away from her.
Lorelai grinned. "Man, I am so good at football."
"Lorelai!"
She turned around. "What?"
"Catch!" Jackson threw her the ball. She was only a few feet away, and caught it.
"Now what?"
"Run towards the far bench and try not to let anyone tag you."
Lorelai groaned. "But I've run so much already," she complained, heading down the field. She managed to dodge Andrew, but the Collins kid smacked her on the butt while she darted around him.
"Hey!" she yelled, turning around to glare at him. "I might have put up with that if you were cleaning my rain gutters, but you aren't. It's TOUCH football, not Smack-Lorelai-on-the-Ass football."
"What's the hold up?" Luke called out.
"Josh smacked Lorelai's behind. She's not very happy," Kirk informed him. "I wouldn't be happy either. But since I'm never happy…"
Luke didn't hear the rest of Kirk's pathetic monologue. He stalked over to the Collins kid and grabbed him by the shirt. "You touch any part of Lorelai again and I will cut off your hands so you can't try anything funny like that ever."
Josh held up his hands. "Yo, chill out! It wasn't on purpose!"
"Please. You're the biggest perv."
Josh looked at her. "You were the one who did that to Taylor's produce!"
"It's true. I saw her. I have pictures, too," Kirk added.
Luke gave Josh a shake and let go of him. Miss Patty was applauding from the bench. "Wonderful show, everybody!"
Luke grunted. Lorelai tried not to smile. She liked Growly Protective Luke. They went back to their positions for the second down. Lorelai hiked the ball to Jackson again, and this time he threw it to Bootsy.
Who never caught it, because it was intercepted by Jay. She ran up the field, her path clear. Lorelai groaned. Did she have to do everything on this team? She managed to tag Jay. Luke's team gathered there for their second down.
She pointed at Luke. "You're going down!" she threatened, because that's what they always said in football movies to the quarterback.
"Not now, honey, but I'm sure he will tonight!" Miss Patty called from the bench.
"Patty!" both Luke and Lorelai said.
Jay blushed. "That woman has ears like a bat."
"Just hike the damn ball, Kirk," Luke quickly said, anxious to forget that little verbal exchange.
Kirk complied, and Lorelai chased down Luke. He darted to the left and she followed. Her foot landed in a spot that was still icy, and she slid. Luke forgot about the game and tried to catch her, only his foot slid on the same patch of ice and they fell together, Lorelai hitting the ground before him and breaking his fall a little.
"Uhhh," she groaned, because Luke was heavy and she wasn't, and she didn't know the exact equation, but physics dictated that it hurt a lot. The sharp pain from when he landed dulled, and she was suddenly aware that if they weren't wearing clothes, their position would be a whole lot more fun.
"You okay?"
Lorelai nodded, still lying on the ground. "Hey, at least I got you in the sack," she said.
Luke must have realized what Lorelai already had because he practically jumped off her. He held his hand out and helped her up. "Uh, I think you meant to say that you sacked me."
"Right." She brushed the mud from her backside.
At that moment, a horrifying, girly shriek emanated from the sidewalk. All the players turned to see what the commotion was.
Taylor was pointing very agitatedly at the scuff in the grass from Luke and Lorelai's slip.
"Uh oh, he can't even find the words to scold us," Lorelai said.
Taylor pointed some more. "You…how…what were you thinking?" He looked at all of them. "This grass is the embodiment of the community of Stars Hollow. It symbolizes everything that is good about our town. It's neat, and orderly, and perfect, and now you people have just torn it up for a silly game of football."
Luke threw the football at Taylor. "So get a new Save the Grass fundraiser."
Taylor managed to duck out of the way before the football hit him in the head. "I think we just will!"
-end ch. 12-
A/N: 'Pretty Vacant' is a Sex Pistols song.