CHAPTER 3: Enter The Femme Fatale (He's the Femme, She's the Fatale)
And
Chapter 3 ½: Enter Illegal Substance Girl
The Legolas Mary Sue- The Perfect Opportunity To Sell Your Soul At A Reduced Fee
Ah, here I am, announcing another Mary Sue Misfit. The Harry/Spidey one will continue in this chapter also, but I must warn you: those who are prone to queasyness or spontaneous combustion, as well as women who are pregnant or nursing, and those who are on antidepressants may want to leave while you still can, because the Mother of all Mary Sues is here. For all those who have actually been following the meaningless plot, the person who will save us all from death by massive blood loss as we put each other out of our misery is none other than a militant feminist pyromaniac rocker chick. YAAAAY!! GO GIRL!!!!
Legolas was in the forest. Yeah. No one else is in sight, because in these fics other characters never matter, seeing as there's no plot. So he was in the forest, and he comes upon a group of orcs and a figure tied to a tree. He sighed. Not again. It was so hard............these girls come along who are PRETTIER than him and he has to snog all over them and...........he felt a tear roll down his cheek. But there was something odd about the figure- it wasn't blonde. And it also wasn't wearing a tattered dress. And it was.........spitting out words to make a sailor blush (this here comment is dedicated to my own dear momma).Legolas stared, as was the recurring theme in the last chapter. The girl was only about five feet tall, and delicate looking. However, she was somehow setting orcs on fire via a large weaponish thing, though her hands were tied. The screaming and the stench of burning flesh was too much for Femme Boy, as well as the surprise. He passed out.
When he awoke, there were eyes staring into his. Usually when this happened the eyes were blue or green or violet or some weird color, but this girl's eyes were beyond weird- they were lime green. They blinked. "Contacts, you freak,"drawled a voice very very close to his ear. The girl was wearing a black trenchcoat over a Led Zeppelin tee shirt and black and white baggy pants. Legolas blinked. What the f&^#.......where was the frilly dress, tastefully tattered? Where was the smooth creamy skin? This girl had- gasp- freckles. And her eye makeup was too dark. Legolas's expert eye looked her over. Only when he was mentally criticizing her short red hair did he feel a cold iron thing pressed against the side of his head. He realized very suddenly what had happened. The girl, psycho, whatever she was had flambeed the orcs, he had fainted, and now this serial killer was leaning over him with a flamethrower against his head. He wondered if Herbal Essences was especially flammable. "One move, male scum, and I torch that pretty hair of yours." Yes. He had gathered that much. "Now I want you to get up slowly and keep your hands where I can see them, like a good boy. There you go." Her voice was far from the sweet, melodic voices of the Mary Sues. It was low and harsh and a scathing tone that seemed to be permanently applied to every word she said. Legolas rose to his feet, like a good boy. "Well, aren't you pretty," said the murderer. Legolas couldn't help but feel a twinge of pride. "What brings YOU here, Dorothy?" Uh...shouldn't *he * be asking that? Well, she had the gun.........."Name's Legolas. I, uh, well, I'm wandering the forest for no apparent reason. That's what I always do in these things, except, uh........." His voice faltered, as the finger on the trigger on the flamethrower played with the safety catch. How did he know what a flamethrower does and how to use it? No idea, it's a Mary Sue. You can't expect to KNOW things like that. Anyway, the girl was fixing to torch his brains out, she didn't seem impressed by his beauty, she seemed to have no soul, no heart, no sanity, and no fashion sense. This was gonna be a loooooooong fanfic.
"Where do you live?" "Uh, uh, well, seeing as everyone else in Middle Earth has dissappeared, nowhere in particular." "Ah. Yeah. Uh-hunh.""Would you please remove your weapon from my head?" "No." "Why?" "Stop asking questions or you'll see why." "Um............um.............." The finger snapped the safety catch to 'off.' The finger slowly squeezed the trigger. A finger on the other hand made an obscene gesture to anyone who might be watching. But before Miss Pyro could go all "Farenheit 451" on our boy(/girl) Leggie, a large object fell from the sky, emitting a noise much like the Mary-Sue in our previous chappie. It was a book. A large book. It was large. It was also very large. It fell at Miss Pyro's feet (Argh, prefabricated redundancy) and opened to page 4,103. She looked down. (REDUNDANT!!!! Reeeeeeeee-dunnnnnnnnn-daaaaaannnnnnnttttt........) "Guidelines for Substitute Mary-Sues in a Legolas Fic". Hunh. "Rule Number 234: No touchie Femme Boy. At least hold off killing him until the two of you have some kind of significant snogfest." The book burst into flames with magical CGI brilliance and dissappeared. The redhead swore loudly. In several languages. Legolas, who had been rather stunned and was hyperventilating, grew a tad bit faint. Fainter, that is, than he already was. Down came the book again. "Rule Number 13: No cursing in different languages. It makes the readers get that puzzled look on their faces and go off to ponder the meaning of life." The book combusted yet again, and a small red slip of paper fluttered from the sky, and landed directly in Pyrogirl's hand. "Violation of Code," it said. "You have been notified of a violation of the Code of Conduct for Substitute Mary-Sues. Please be aware that a warning has been issued before and consequences are to follow. Thank you. You might want to take a step to the left." The slip disintegrated. "So, what's your name?" interrupted Legolas perkily. He had taken the last few sentences to recuperate. Pyro looked at him with annoyance. "Call me Flame, you chauvinistic powderpuff."(Ooooh...........flames. I love flames. So much fun to respond to.) She then made another obscene gesture at the sky, which was apparently where the Fanfiction Author dwelt.
FWUMP.
Down it came, with the force of a few gallon bottles of Clorox and fifteen three-pound wheels of cheese. Right on top of Flame. Legolas stared. This was so entirely confusing..........not to mention the urge to lapse back into character, i.e. movie vegetable or book insane. The stress to stay lovey-dovey and stupid in these Mary- Sues was unbearable........especially when he had to speak in Old English, complete with overenthusiastic 'eth's. He quickly took out a black-and-white bag with the word 'Sephora' on it and sat down on the grass, well away from the two unconscious figures. (Heh...............i love Sephora. Couldn't help but pop this in here. Easter eggs, luvs.) He selected his favorite French perfume and commenced to spray everyone with it, even though he had just sat down. Pretty soon, the odor of kerosene and.weed? was replaced by lovely, lovely violets and lavender with subtle hints of amber and rosewood. Ahhh. Much better.
Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts, the cast of puzzled characters was interrupted by Neville, who came crashing through for no reason at all. This seemed to clear the air of Brainless Stupor Dust, which the author had apparently scattered in the common room before the fic. Evryone quickly became more animated, excepting Ron, because he apparently wasn't going to get a major part in this one, either. HE went back to picking the lint off his favorite socks. Everyone else nodded their heads in response to the 'food' question and started chatting with the person closest to them. Pretty soon, they were all headed to Hogsmeade in coats and mufflers, since it always seems to be winter there. Except Ron. HE was glowering because no one had invited HIM. Little did he know that HE was going to be the one to witness the *cue dramatic music* COMBINATION OF WORLDS, a well-known Mary Sue phenomenon.
Legolas was very happily applying mascara in his compact mirror when IT happened. No, not the stampede of a thousand rabid bunny rabbits. No, he didn't *gasp* find a zit. Likewise, he didn't *gasp* find that he had facial hair. He and the two unconscious-but-heavenly-smelling girls were sucked into a vortex. Actually, they were tricked into being sucked into Hogwarts by the author, who had turned the mascara wand into a Portkey. Since Legolas was sitting on top of the two comatose Mary-Sue substitutes (for all you impatient people out there: No, I have not revealed who the second comatose figure is. Though you should have guessed by now.) while he was applying his mascara (the twenty-four dollar kind, from Sephora, of course), all three of them were transported rather harshly (FWUMP) onto the floor of the common room, Legolas nearly putting his eye out (never apply eye makeup in a moving vehicle). Ron, who was scowling and muttering to himself, witnessed the arrival. First came the blonde..............was it a guy? A lady? Or *grin* Hemione's hermaphrodite? (yes, I realize that it was a transvestite in the last chapter, I just like alliteration) Next came the punkish-looking girl clutching a huge flamethrower in her right hand. Last came the rumpled figure in a pink bathrobe, with a plug of pot in her left hand. Ron's day was starting to get better.
The Legolas Mary Sue- The Perfect Opportunity To Sell Your Soul At A Reduced Fee
Ah, here I am, announcing another Mary Sue Misfit. The Harry/Spidey one will continue in this chapter also, but I must warn you: those who are prone to queasyness or spontaneous combustion, as well as women who are pregnant or nursing, and those who are on antidepressants may want to leave while you still can, because the Mother of all Mary Sues is here. For all those who have actually been following the meaningless plot, the person who will save us all from death by massive blood loss as we put each other out of our misery is none other than a militant feminist pyromaniac rocker chick. YAAAAY!! GO GIRL!!!!
Legolas was in the forest. Yeah. No one else is in sight, because in these fics other characters never matter, seeing as there's no plot. So he was in the forest, and he comes upon a group of orcs and a figure tied to a tree. He sighed. Not again. It was so hard............these girls come along who are PRETTIER than him and he has to snog all over them and...........he felt a tear roll down his cheek. But there was something odd about the figure- it wasn't blonde. And it also wasn't wearing a tattered dress. And it was.........spitting out words to make a sailor blush (this here comment is dedicated to my own dear momma).Legolas stared, as was the recurring theme in the last chapter. The girl was only about five feet tall, and delicate looking. However, she was somehow setting orcs on fire via a large weaponish thing, though her hands were tied. The screaming and the stench of burning flesh was too much for Femme Boy, as well as the surprise. He passed out.
When he awoke, there were eyes staring into his. Usually when this happened the eyes were blue or green or violet or some weird color, but this girl's eyes were beyond weird- they were lime green. They blinked. "Contacts, you freak,"drawled a voice very very close to his ear. The girl was wearing a black trenchcoat over a Led Zeppelin tee shirt and black and white baggy pants. Legolas blinked. What the f&^#.......where was the frilly dress, tastefully tattered? Where was the smooth creamy skin? This girl had- gasp- freckles. And her eye makeup was too dark. Legolas's expert eye looked her over. Only when he was mentally criticizing her short red hair did he feel a cold iron thing pressed against the side of his head. He realized very suddenly what had happened. The girl, psycho, whatever she was had flambeed the orcs, he had fainted, and now this serial killer was leaning over him with a flamethrower against his head. He wondered if Herbal Essences was especially flammable. "One move, male scum, and I torch that pretty hair of yours." Yes. He had gathered that much. "Now I want you to get up slowly and keep your hands where I can see them, like a good boy. There you go." Her voice was far from the sweet, melodic voices of the Mary Sues. It was low and harsh and a scathing tone that seemed to be permanently applied to every word she said. Legolas rose to his feet, like a good boy. "Well, aren't you pretty," said the murderer. Legolas couldn't help but feel a twinge of pride. "What brings YOU here, Dorothy?" Uh...shouldn't *he * be asking that? Well, she had the gun.........."Name's Legolas. I, uh, well, I'm wandering the forest for no apparent reason. That's what I always do in these things, except, uh........." His voice faltered, as the finger on the trigger on the flamethrower played with the safety catch. How did he know what a flamethrower does and how to use it? No idea, it's a Mary Sue. You can't expect to KNOW things like that. Anyway, the girl was fixing to torch his brains out, she didn't seem impressed by his beauty, she seemed to have no soul, no heart, no sanity, and no fashion sense. This was gonna be a loooooooong fanfic.
"Where do you live?" "Uh, uh, well, seeing as everyone else in Middle Earth has dissappeared, nowhere in particular." "Ah. Yeah. Uh-hunh.""Would you please remove your weapon from my head?" "No." "Why?" "Stop asking questions or you'll see why." "Um............um.............." The finger snapped the safety catch to 'off.' The finger slowly squeezed the trigger. A finger on the other hand made an obscene gesture to anyone who might be watching. But before Miss Pyro could go all "Farenheit 451" on our boy(/girl) Leggie, a large object fell from the sky, emitting a noise much like the Mary-Sue in our previous chappie. It was a book. A large book. It was large. It was also very large. It fell at Miss Pyro's feet (Argh, prefabricated redundancy) and opened to page 4,103. She looked down. (REDUNDANT!!!! Reeeeeeeee-dunnnnnnnnn-daaaaaannnnnnnttttt........) "Guidelines for Substitute Mary-Sues in a Legolas Fic". Hunh. "Rule Number 234: No touchie Femme Boy. At least hold off killing him until the two of you have some kind of significant snogfest." The book burst into flames with magical CGI brilliance and dissappeared. The redhead swore loudly. In several languages. Legolas, who had been rather stunned and was hyperventilating, grew a tad bit faint. Fainter, that is, than he already was. Down came the book again. "Rule Number 13: No cursing in different languages. It makes the readers get that puzzled look on their faces and go off to ponder the meaning of life." The book combusted yet again, and a small red slip of paper fluttered from the sky, and landed directly in Pyrogirl's hand. "Violation of Code," it said. "You have been notified of a violation of the Code of Conduct for Substitute Mary-Sues. Please be aware that a warning has been issued before and consequences are to follow. Thank you. You might want to take a step to the left." The slip disintegrated. "So, what's your name?" interrupted Legolas perkily. He had taken the last few sentences to recuperate. Pyro looked at him with annoyance. "Call me Flame, you chauvinistic powderpuff."(Ooooh...........flames. I love flames. So much fun to respond to.) She then made another obscene gesture at the sky, which was apparently where the Fanfiction Author dwelt.
FWUMP.
Down it came, with the force of a few gallon bottles of Clorox and fifteen three-pound wheels of cheese. Right on top of Flame. Legolas stared. This was so entirely confusing..........not to mention the urge to lapse back into character, i.e. movie vegetable or book insane. The stress to stay lovey-dovey and stupid in these Mary- Sues was unbearable........especially when he had to speak in Old English, complete with overenthusiastic 'eth's. He quickly took out a black-and-white bag with the word 'Sephora' on it and sat down on the grass, well away from the two unconscious figures. (Heh...............i love Sephora. Couldn't help but pop this in here. Easter eggs, luvs.) He selected his favorite French perfume and commenced to spray everyone with it, even though he had just sat down. Pretty soon, the odor of kerosene and.weed? was replaced by lovely, lovely violets and lavender with subtle hints of amber and rosewood. Ahhh. Much better.
Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts, the cast of puzzled characters was interrupted by Neville, who came crashing through for no reason at all. This seemed to clear the air of Brainless Stupor Dust, which the author had apparently scattered in the common room before the fic. Evryone quickly became more animated, excepting Ron, because he apparently wasn't going to get a major part in this one, either. HE went back to picking the lint off his favorite socks. Everyone else nodded their heads in response to the 'food' question and started chatting with the person closest to them. Pretty soon, they were all headed to Hogsmeade in coats and mufflers, since it always seems to be winter there. Except Ron. HE was glowering because no one had invited HIM. Little did he know that HE was going to be the one to witness the *cue dramatic music* COMBINATION OF WORLDS, a well-known Mary Sue phenomenon.
Legolas was very happily applying mascara in his compact mirror when IT happened. No, not the stampede of a thousand rabid bunny rabbits. No, he didn't *gasp* find a zit. Likewise, he didn't *gasp* find that he had facial hair. He and the two unconscious-but-heavenly-smelling girls were sucked into a vortex. Actually, they were tricked into being sucked into Hogwarts by the author, who had turned the mascara wand into a Portkey. Since Legolas was sitting on top of the two comatose Mary-Sue substitutes (for all you impatient people out there: No, I have not revealed who the second comatose figure is. Though you should have guessed by now.) while he was applying his mascara (the twenty-four dollar kind, from Sephora, of course), all three of them were transported rather harshly (FWUMP) onto the floor of the common room, Legolas nearly putting his eye out (never apply eye makeup in a moving vehicle). Ron, who was scowling and muttering to himself, witnessed the arrival. First came the blonde..............was it a guy? A lady? Or *grin* Hemione's hermaphrodite? (yes, I realize that it was a transvestite in the last chapter, I just like alliteration) Next came the punkish-looking girl clutching a huge flamethrower in her right hand. Last came the rumpled figure in a pink bathrobe, with a plug of pot in her left hand. Ron's day was starting to get better.