Chapter 8: The Star Wars Part Is Highly Diminished, and The Unlikely
Heroine (A Relatively Humorless Chapter)
A/N: When I first decided to write this, I planned to include a big part about Star Wars and all the crazy Ewan-and-Hayden fangirls, but, truth to tell, I have run out of inspiration. I mean, the Star Wars trilogy is the best series of movies of all time. SO WHY ARE THERE NOT MORE FANGIRLS?! I have determined several things about the absence of SW fangirls.
All the Luke Skywalker fangirls are now at least twenty- five.
All the Obi-Wan Kenobi fangirls were turned off by his facial hair in Episode 2 and migrated to being Anakin fangirls.
3. All the Anakin fangirls have turned into Legolas fangirls, just to spite me.
Yeah. So now, without further ado, I will try my best at incorporating Star Wars fangirls into my fic, and I will then lament on how much Episode 2 sucked.
Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Padme were sitting around a table in the Jedi Temple, playing strip poker. Ho-hum. Padme was winning, to the chagrin of Obi-Wan. Anakin really didn't care, because he was watching 'The Nightmare Before Christmas" for the fiftieth time on his holoprojector. Because of this he was wearing only a sock. The game droned on, Padme kept winning, it was all very dull. Then, all of a sudden, Padme let out a bloodcurdling shriek, and died. All at once the Jedi were on their feet, lightsabers at the ready, prepared to attack. WHAT was that? A dark shape lurked in the corner...a growl issued from somewhere in the shadows..all of a sudden it was upon them, and it let out a howl that was comparable to the wail of a mating timberwolf. Fluffy, pink, it was like Chibiusa and a Hell Hound combined. And with it came a girl, a perfectly normal girl, with curly brown hair in messy pigtails. "Hunh," said the girl, as the lightsabers flashed around her, oblivious to the whole scene. "Would ya lookit that! Loooookit that." The pink blur stopped, the lightsabers were quelled, all looked at the curly- haired girl with interest and suspicion. "Hi!" She said perkily, apparently not disturbed at all. "I guess this is a dream, ain't it? If this's a dream, I s'pose I must be in some kinda parallel universe, hunh? What's y'all's names? I'm Chevette, but you can be right free to call me Chevy." "Like, Chevy Chase?" "Well, yeah. Say, yore not wearin' a stitch! Jeezus, this's the weirdest damn dream I ever done had..." "Looks nice to me," piped up a small, sweet, annoyingly cute voice from the space which had previously been occupied by the pink blur. Another girl, whose age couldn't be determined in the slightest, had emitted the voice. She could have been anywhere from five to fifteen, as she was completely two- dimensional. She wore a pink, poofy, very short dress with a pinafore (Ever seen what 'Cardcaptor Sakura' wears? Or that pink thing that Nurse Joy wears, from the demonic sending that is Pokemon? Yeah, kind of along those lines.) and white stockings with white Mary Janes. She had an adorable face, with overlarge eyes and a perturbingly innocent expression. Her hair was a golden halo about her, pouffed and curled immaculately. Her voice was as sweet as sugary honey. Everyone in the room wanted to watch her suffer through a long, painful death by Sarlacc. And so went the beginning of the Star Wars segment of this fic.
When Hermione got back to the cottage, she suddenly wondered why everyone was gathered there and why she had felt the compulsion to go there. Her hair was several inches shorter and done in a bob, which greatly improved her overall look. Inside the cozy cottage, a cheery fire burned in the fireplace, and the two Hogwarts students and five aliens were gathered around, talking enthusiastically. Wait, there were only THREE aliens. Legolas and Candy were missing. "Hi, guys, what's up? Where're the other two?" No one glanced up, but in one fluid movement they all scrunched closer to Ron, who had a laptop and appeared to be perusing fanfiction.net. "HELLO, WHAT IS EVERYONE DOING?!" Hermione roared, startling the group. "Oh, hi, Hermione. Nice hair. Hey, do you read fanfiction?" Ron looked at her expectantly. "Uh, not really. Why?" "Because we're trying to figure out what happens when crossovers mysteriously disappear. Flame suggested real- world Legomance." "What? Disappear? Like, disapparate? And what on earth is a real- world whatever?" "Legomance. It's when some freaky author decides to plop ol' Leggie into cities, namely New York in the States. And Candy and him are missing. Not disapparated, just...missing." Hermione's blood ran cold. The vampires...had they lured the two unknowing victims to their deaths? In the corner, Belwyn smiled smugly, seeing the panic on Hermione's face. She absently rubbed some Purell onto her palms, thinking how much fun it would be to bust her dear sister. For she and three other souls knew of the event that would take place that night. No one knew for sure how Belwyn had found out, maybe it was merely a sister's intuition. Meanwhile, in the West Tower, Koname plotted. And Belwyn was going to stop her.
Candy was sore and cramped from crouching in the shadows of the Ravenclaw girls' dorm. It was barely even nine o'clock, and she had been watching Cho Chang for over an hour, waiting for her to leave at midnight for the meeting with the mysterious lady. Candy had merely been there by accident when Miss Lacey had met with the three students, as she had been coming back from her rehab course to find that Dumbledore's office had already been vacated by Ron and Company. Her head was clearer than it had been for weeks, clear as it was before she started smoking pot. Apparently the wizard rehab included some kind of anti- marijuana spell, because those classes were supposed to take months and months, not three days. But Candy, who had forgotten the way she came, decided to sit and watch the somber little group converse. And so she learned of the plans of Koname. Candy knew much more about J.K. Rowlings' books than the rest of her fellow misfits, as she had actually read the books and seen the movie. She knew Cho would be the one who would show at the midnight tower meeting, because Cho was somewhat of a main character, and this was a fanfic. So she took it upon herself to find out what was going on, and what they were going to do with that lovely blonde boy...her memories of fangirlism were slowly returning. She had been crouching in that frozen position for so long, and she was rather sleepy...Candy nodded off.
"Dammit, Cho, you can do this. Do it for yourself. Do it for Miss Lacey. Do it for your beloved, Cho. Do it for Legolas." Candy awoke to Cho having a mental pep- talk with herself. "Okay, Cho, nothing to be scared of, just a little meeting......hunh, I wonder why the hex is letting me talk, must not have been very well cast, I could've cast a better one........" She rambled on and on, all the while pulling on the darkest robe she could find, which was a rather faded black. A black ski mask went on next, making her appear to be a slasher-film antagonist. Lastly, out of her pocket she took a small, withered hand holding a candle stump. "Best friend of thieves and plunderers.and me........glory......" she muttered. The clock on the table next to her clicked over to eleven thirty. It would take at least half an hour to reach the tower undetected, even though no one ever went up there it was always best to be cautious. Out she slipped, and behind her came Candy, a little groggy but quickly recovering. She stayed about thirty feet behind Cho, making sure to take the right turns in the winding hallway. She had no candle, and kept bumping into walls in the darker parts, but she kept pace with Cho remarkably well, for a half- asleep and out-of-shape former drug addict. Finally Cho reached the tower, a little late but surely, surely Miss Lacey-Koname- would still be there.......she paused at a narrow door labeled 'WEST' in tarnished, old silver numbers. This....this appeared to be a storage closet. She rapped twice, timidly, unsure of herself. Fortunately for Candy, the hallway was at least twelve feet wide and pitch black, so she didn't even really have to hide; she stayed at the end near the stairs that they had just ascended. The only indication of a door set into the wall was a sliver of light coming from a crack at the base of the wall, this, she supposed, must be the entrance to the West tower, as there were no other slivers or evidence of more stairs or anything further down. By the meager light coming from the door she saw Cho raise her arm slowly, heard the knocks, saw the door creak slowly open to reveal a hooded face.....Koname. "I thought you wouldn't show," admonished the velvety voice, gently let hinting disapproval. Candy saw the dark form usher in the masked Ravenclaw, and crept closer to the door. There was no way she could get inside, but she could listen.
Cho gasped as she entered the closet. It wasn't a closet at all, but a lovely little room....about the size of a bedroom, but rather cramped. A gigantic canopied bed with heavy dark-blue curtains took up a whole corner, as did a large blue overstuffed chair and a blue-painted bookcase. The entire wall that faced out was made of windows, a wall of glass framed by heavy blue velvet, as on the bed. The view was astonishing. It offered a look at the lake and the forest beyond, the full moon hung over the blanket of stars and the sky, which was the same color as the walls and curtains and chair, and peppered with stars, the same silvery glowing white as the soft fur rug underfoot. Cho took a short, gasping breath, and did not let her eyes leave the window until she ran into a second overstuffed blue chair and toppled with a thump to the floor, which was very hard despite the fuzzy white rug. It was positively unreal....she picked herself up and was motioned to sit in the fat blue chair opposite the other, where Koname had arranged herself with the posture of Queen Amidala and the grace of Rocky Balboa. She was a very imposing figure indeed, here on her own turf, so much unlike the quiet, submissive Miss Lacey that Cho panicked and thought she had the wrong lady, and made a quick scramble for the door before being reassured that the woman in black was, in fact, her teacher. "You are wondering why you are here," she said. "Uh....yeah," said Cho, uncertainly. "Okay, listen, girlie, if you're gonna hang with me, you've gotta learn to be less of a feeb." Snapped Koname, and within seconds a red 'Violation' slip floated down. 'Sorry," she grimaced. "Okay, gotta stick to my character, now, let's start over." She cleared her throat, and they began their conversation again, Cho very much confused. She shrugged to herself and decided to play along. "You are the chosen one, Cho. I had hoped it would be my own sister, as I can feel her presence very near, but alas, she had turned to the Dark Side and become a vampire." Vampire?! Cho smiled and nodded understandingly, the woman was obviously batty (no pun intended.) There were no vampires at Hogwarts. And yet....there were things and people that weren't supposed to be there....and WERE....like her beloved.... "So I set out to look for a promising subject. It is only a coincidence that he appeared when he did, my angel..." Koname looked longingly at the canopy bed, whose curtains had pulled themselves back to reveal the unconscious form of Legolas. "But....why, Miss Lacey?" "Koname. I am Koname." "Okay, fine, whatever..WHY?!" "Because it is your destiny, and mine." "WHAT is my destiny?" "To create a kingdom of fangirls, of course. You know how they have that freaky conformist society in North Korea?" "Yeah. Portraits of their leader everywhere, and Communist support, and junk." "Well, you and I must work together to purify Hogwarts....we must make it into a haven for fangirls, all the boys will be sent away, we will all live happily together with my darling, who is mine and mine alone, we will.....and I shall be Queen, and he shall be King, and I will adopt you as my own daughter..." Cho stared. "You want me to help you take over Hogwarts and be your daughter?" "Yeah, pretty much." "Okay. Sure. There's one catch, though.......if I was your adopted daughter, I'd be HIS kid, and that would be gross, because I have him on my screensaver and all over the walls of my room." "Oh, well, that's understandable. You can be my chief advisor, then." "Okay, but wouldn't they, all the fangirls I mean, wouldn't they kill you in order to have him?" "Yeah, you have a point. Okay, I just want to take over." "But wouldn't the Ministry stop you?" "Yeah........" Koname paused. "Okay, new plan. How about we keep him here so we can drool over him all we want?" "That's more like it." "How about Spidey? Someone told me that they had seen that Hermione girl with Spiderman." "Okey- doke. I'll hire someone to get him for us." And so they struck a deal. They were going to hold Legolas and Spidey captive. Outside, Candy snickered. What a lame plan. She rushed off to inform Weasley and Friends about the plot. All of a sudden, at the bottom of the stairs, a tongue of fire flared up, accompanied by the light that fire usually gives off. Flame. "Flame! Flame! It's me, Candy!" "Candy! There you are!," Whispered Flame, grabbing Candy's arm and ragging her down the hall by the light of the omnipresent flamethrower. "What the bloody hell're you doing here? We've been looking for you for hours! It's just by luck I happened to come up this way, I thought it was the entrance to the dorms...say, where are we, anyway? And where's that good-for-nothing wuss?" Candy poured out her story to Flame. And so began the Siege of the Fangirls.
A/N: When I first decided to write this, I planned to include a big part about Star Wars and all the crazy Ewan-and-Hayden fangirls, but, truth to tell, I have run out of inspiration. I mean, the Star Wars trilogy is the best series of movies of all time. SO WHY ARE THERE NOT MORE FANGIRLS?! I have determined several things about the absence of SW fangirls.
All the Luke Skywalker fangirls are now at least twenty- five.
All the Obi-Wan Kenobi fangirls were turned off by his facial hair in Episode 2 and migrated to being Anakin fangirls.
3. All the Anakin fangirls have turned into Legolas fangirls, just to spite me.
Yeah. So now, without further ado, I will try my best at incorporating Star Wars fangirls into my fic, and I will then lament on how much Episode 2 sucked.
Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Padme were sitting around a table in the Jedi Temple, playing strip poker. Ho-hum. Padme was winning, to the chagrin of Obi-Wan. Anakin really didn't care, because he was watching 'The Nightmare Before Christmas" for the fiftieth time on his holoprojector. Because of this he was wearing only a sock. The game droned on, Padme kept winning, it was all very dull. Then, all of a sudden, Padme let out a bloodcurdling shriek, and died. All at once the Jedi were on their feet, lightsabers at the ready, prepared to attack. WHAT was that? A dark shape lurked in the corner...a growl issued from somewhere in the shadows..all of a sudden it was upon them, and it let out a howl that was comparable to the wail of a mating timberwolf. Fluffy, pink, it was like Chibiusa and a Hell Hound combined. And with it came a girl, a perfectly normal girl, with curly brown hair in messy pigtails. "Hunh," said the girl, as the lightsabers flashed around her, oblivious to the whole scene. "Would ya lookit that! Loooookit that." The pink blur stopped, the lightsabers were quelled, all looked at the curly- haired girl with interest and suspicion. "Hi!" She said perkily, apparently not disturbed at all. "I guess this is a dream, ain't it? If this's a dream, I s'pose I must be in some kinda parallel universe, hunh? What's y'all's names? I'm Chevette, but you can be right free to call me Chevy." "Like, Chevy Chase?" "Well, yeah. Say, yore not wearin' a stitch! Jeezus, this's the weirdest damn dream I ever done had..." "Looks nice to me," piped up a small, sweet, annoyingly cute voice from the space which had previously been occupied by the pink blur. Another girl, whose age couldn't be determined in the slightest, had emitted the voice. She could have been anywhere from five to fifteen, as she was completely two- dimensional. She wore a pink, poofy, very short dress with a pinafore (Ever seen what 'Cardcaptor Sakura' wears? Or that pink thing that Nurse Joy wears, from the demonic sending that is Pokemon? Yeah, kind of along those lines.) and white stockings with white Mary Janes. She had an adorable face, with overlarge eyes and a perturbingly innocent expression. Her hair was a golden halo about her, pouffed and curled immaculately. Her voice was as sweet as sugary honey. Everyone in the room wanted to watch her suffer through a long, painful death by Sarlacc. And so went the beginning of the Star Wars segment of this fic.
When Hermione got back to the cottage, she suddenly wondered why everyone was gathered there and why she had felt the compulsion to go there. Her hair was several inches shorter and done in a bob, which greatly improved her overall look. Inside the cozy cottage, a cheery fire burned in the fireplace, and the two Hogwarts students and five aliens were gathered around, talking enthusiastically. Wait, there were only THREE aliens. Legolas and Candy were missing. "Hi, guys, what's up? Where're the other two?" No one glanced up, but in one fluid movement they all scrunched closer to Ron, who had a laptop and appeared to be perusing fanfiction.net. "HELLO, WHAT IS EVERYONE DOING?!" Hermione roared, startling the group. "Oh, hi, Hermione. Nice hair. Hey, do you read fanfiction?" Ron looked at her expectantly. "Uh, not really. Why?" "Because we're trying to figure out what happens when crossovers mysteriously disappear. Flame suggested real- world Legomance." "What? Disappear? Like, disapparate? And what on earth is a real- world whatever?" "Legomance. It's when some freaky author decides to plop ol' Leggie into cities, namely New York in the States. And Candy and him are missing. Not disapparated, just...missing." Hermione's blood ran cold. The vampires...had they lured the two unknowing victims to their deaths? In the corner, Belwyn smiled smugly, seeing the panic on Hermione's face. She absently rubbed some Purell onto her palms, thinking how much fun it would be to bust her dear sister. For she and three other souls knew of the event that would take place that night. No one knew for sure how Belwyn had found out, maybe it was merely a sister's intuition. Meanwhile, in the West Tower, Koname plotted. And Belwyn was going to stop her.
Candy was sore and cramped from crouching in the shadows of the Ravenclaw girls' dorm. It was barely even nine o'clock, and she had been watching Cho Chang for over an hour, waiting for her to leave at midnight for the meeting with the mysterious lady. Candy had merely been there by accident when Miss Lacey had met with the three students, as she had been coming back from her rehab course to find that Dumbledore's office had already been vacated by Ron and Company. Her head was clearer than it had been for weeks, clear as it was before she started smoking pot. Apparently the wizard rehab included some kind of anti- marijuana spell, because those classes were supposed to take months and months, not three days. But Candy, who had forgotten the way she came, decided to sit and watch the somber little group converse. And so she learned of the plans of Koname. Candy knew much more about J.K. Rowlings' books than the rest of her fellow misfits, as she had actually read the books and seen the movie. She knew Cho would be the one who would show at the midnight tower meeting, because Cho was somewhat of a main character, and this was a fanfic. So she took it upon herself to find out what was going on, and what they were going to do with that lovely blonde boy...her memories of fangirlism were slowly returning. She had been crouching in that frozen position for so long, and she was rather sleepy...Candy nodded off.
"Dammit, Cho, you can do this. Do it for yourself. Do it for Miss Lacey. Do it for your beloved, Cho. Do it for Legolas." Candy awoke to Cho having a mental pep- talk with herself. "Okay, Cho, nothing to be scared of, just a little meeting......hunh, I wonder why the hex is letting me talk, must not have been very well cast, I could've cast a better one........" She rambled on and on, all the while pulling on the darkest robe she could find, which was a rather faded black. A black ski mask went on next, making her appear to be a slasher-film antagonist. Lastly, out of her pocket she took a small, withered hand holding a candle stump. "Best friend of thieves and plunderers.and me........glory......" she muttered. The clock on the table next to her clicked over to eleven thirty. It would take at least half an hour to reach the tower undetected, even though no one ever went up there it was always best to be cautious. Out she slipped, and behind her came Candy, a little groggy but quickly recovering. She stayed about thirty feet behind Cho, making sure to take the right turns in the winding hallway. She had no candle, and kept bumping into walls in the darker parts, but she kept pace with Cho remarkably well, for a half- asleep and out-of-shape former drug addict. Finally Cho reached the tower, a little late but surely, surely Miss Lacey-Koname- would still be there.......she paused at a narrow door labeled 'WEST' in tarnished, old silver numbers. This....this appeared to be a storage closet. She rapped twice, timidly, unsure of herself. Fortunately for Candy, the hallway was at least twelve feet wide and pitch black, so she didn't even really have to hide; she stayed at the end near the stairs that they had just ascended. The only indication of a door set into the wall was a sliver of light coming from a crack at the base of the wall, this, she supposed, must be the entrance to the West tower, as there were no other slivers or evidence of more stairs or anything further down. By the meager light coming from the door she saw Cho raise her arm slowly, heard the knocks, saw the door creak slowly open to reveal a hooded face.....Koname. "I thought you wouldn't show," admonished the velvety voice, gently let hinting disapproval. Candy saw the dark form usher in the masked Ravenclaw, and crept closer to the door. There was no way she could get inside, but she could listen.
Cho gasped as she entered the closet. It wasn't a closet at all, but a lovely little room....about the size of a bedroom, but rather cramped. A gigantic canopied bed with heavy dark-blue curtains took up a whole corner, as did a large blue overstuffed chair and a blue-painted bookcase. The entire wall that faced out was made of windows, a wall of glass framed by heavy blue velvet, as on the bed. The view was astonishing. It offered a look at the lake and the forest beyond, the full moon hung over the blanket of stars and the sky, which was the same color as the walls and curtains and chair, and peppered with stars, the same silvery glowing white as the soft fur rug underfoot. Cho took a short, gasping breath, and did not let her eyes leave the window until she ran into a second overstuffed blue chair and toppled with a thump to the floor, which was very hard despite the fuzzy white rug. It was positively unreal....she picked herself up and was motioned to sit in the fat blue chair opposite the other, where Koname had arranged herself with the posture of Queen Amidala and the grace of Rocky Balboa. She was a very imposing figure indeed, here on her own turf, so much unlike the quiet, submissive Miss Lacey that Cho panicked and thought she had the wrong lady, and made a quick scramble for the door before being reassured that the woman in black was, in fact, her teacher. "You are wondering why you are here," she said. "Uh....yeah," said Cho, uncertainly. "Okay, listen, girlie, if you're gonna hang with me, you've gotta learn to be less of a feeb." Snapped Koname, and within seconds a red 'Violation' slip floated down. 'Sorry," she grimaced. "Okay, gotta stick to my character, now, let's start over." She cleared her throat, and they began their conversation again, Cho very much confused. She shrugged to herself and decided to play along. "You are the chosen one, Cho. I had hoped it would be my own sister, as I can feel her presence very near, but alas, she had turned to the Dark Side and become a vampire." Vampire?! Cho smiled and nodded understandingly, the woman was obviously batty (no pun intended.) There were no vampires at Hogwarts. And yet....there were things and people that weren't supposed to be there....and WERE....like her beloved.... "So I set out to look for a promising subject. It is only a coincidence that he appeared when he did, my angel..." Koname looked longingly at the canopy bed, whose curtains had pulled themselves back to reveal the unconscious form of Legolas. "But....why, Miss Lacey?" "Koname. I am Koname." "Okay, fine, whatever..WHY?!" "Because it is your destiny, and mine." "WHAT is my destiny?" "To create a kingdom of fangirls, of course. You know how they have that freaky conformist society in North Korea?" "Yeah. Portraits of their leader everywhere, and Communist support, and junk." "Well, you and I must work together to purify Hogwarts....we must make it into a haven for fangirls, all the boys will be sent away, we will all live happily together with my darling, who is mine and mine alone, we will.....and I shall be Queen, and he shall be King, and I will adopt you as my own daughter..." Cho stared. "You want me to help you take over Hogwarts and be your daughter?" "Yeah, pretty much." "Okay. Sure. There's one catch, though.......if I was your adopted daughter, I'd be HIS kid, and that would be gross, because I have him on my screensaver and all over the walls of my room." "Oh, well, that's understandable. You can be my chief advisor, then." "Okay, but wouldn't they, all the fangirls I mean, wouldn't they kill you in order to have him?" "Yeah, you have a point. Okay, I just want to take over." "But wouldn't the Ministry stop you?" "Yeah........" Koname paused. "Okay, new plan. How about we keep him here so we can drool over him all we want?" "That's more like it." "How about Spidey? Someone told me that they had seen that Hermione girl with Spiderman." "Okey- doke. I'll hire someone to get him for us." And so they struck a deal. They were going to hold Legolas and Spidey captive. Outside, Candy snickered. What a lame plan. She rushed off to inform Weasley and Friends about the plot. All of a sudden, at the bottom of the stairs, a tongue of fire flared up, accompanied by the light that fire usually gives off. Flame. "Flame! Flame! It's me, Candy!" "Candy! There you are!," Whispered Flame, grabbing Candy's arm and ragging her down the hall by the light of the omnipresent flamethrower. "What the bloody hell're you doing here? We've been looking for you for hours! It's just by luck I happened to come up this way, I thought it was the entrance to the dorms...say, where are we, anyway? And where's that good-for-nothing wuss?" Candy poured out her story to Flame. And so began the Siege of the Fangirls.