Chapter 9: Siege of the Fangirls, Stages One and Two: Minutemen and Ex-
Comm, and the Council of Ron
A/N: I'd like to give a big "THANK YOOOOOOOUU!!!!" to one reviewer: RegFrankieFan. I was getting ready to quit this script once and for all, and let the characters waste away (Like my other fic, 'Highway Fifty-One', which hasn't died yet; I will try and keep it alive). But it only takes one review.....if I hadn't quit my fics, I probably would have kept writing only for the fans and the sake of reviews, not for my own twisted enjoyment. You know, 'Ten reviews for another chapter', that kind of thing. But one simply heartfelt review has kept me writing, and there's even going to be a sequel. Thanks again. It only takes one review when you're feeling down, folks. Just one. *hugs all the reviewers * Muahahah, I'm sure none of you wanted me to do that...*evil cackle *
"OoOOOOoOOOoOo!!!! JEDI!" squealed the pink anime thing. "You're so haaaaandsommmmme...." It patted Anakin's head, as if he were some bizarre dog that had fallen into nuclear waste and then been combined (by genetic screwing around) with a human. Anakin passed out, and before he hit the floor, he disappeared. Obi- Wan, seeing his padawan being fondled by that THING (Wolf? Human? Monster?) and then disappearing, did likewise, vanishing into thin air. "What in tarnation's goin' on?" Chevy, who appeared to be some kind of redneck hybrid who occasionally spoke like a nineteenth-century-esque cowgirl/sheriff. The anime thing hit her over the head with a paperweight, and she lost consciousness and disappeared. The anime thing knew what was going on. And she was loving it. She hit herself with the paperweight, and departed.
FWUMP. FWUMP. FWUMP. FWUMP. They landed, one by one, in the Gryffindor common room, which was occupied by Neville, Fred, and George. Well, Fred and George had somehow hung Neville on the chandelier and were trying to get him down. "Well, would you look at that, George," commented Fred (it could have been George). "Blimey! Two Jedi, a redneck/cowgirl, and a creepy anime werewolf! Hey, check it out, in this fic I KNOW ALL," said George (it could have been Fred). "MPH!" remarked Neville, whose mouth had been duct- taped shut. "Dontcha love duct tape, Fred?" "I sure do, George." "Wanna go introduce Professor Lupin to the anime thing?" "Sure." And with that, they dragged away the nameless anime girl and left the other unconscious fic- victims on the floor.
Hermione was on a mission. While the others prepared to storm the tower room that night, she was preparing for a different infiltration. Operation Garlic Attack. Tonight, the vampire would strike again, and she would be there to stop it. She was dressed much as Cho had been the night before, though it was nine in the morning and the others were still planning Stage One of their Operation Fangirl Storm. She strapped on a survival package and attached several anti-vampire devices to her belt, including a crucifix, a few cloves of garlic, her silver-bullet gun, and a stake. In her hair was perched a tiara of rowan. If she could catch the vampire in the daytime, before it struck again...Hermione picked up the phone and ordered seven hundred garlic pizzas, using the Force to avoid paying. A brilliant plan, she thought. Brilliant.
Stage I: The Planning Stage
In the cottage, Ron and Spidey planned for all they were worth, with Candy as a stenographer/ tape recorder.
1.Spidey and Belwyn would leave at nine o'clock, dressed appropriately, and head into the woods where they would request the aid of the spiders.
2.They would then head back to the cottage, where Ron (not wanting to be around the spiders, of course) would page Firenze and Friends (hee, I made a rhyme) and ask them to use their Crappy CGI Powers to fix Ron's wand (no, not THAT way, you perverted morons) and create a diversion.
3.Hermione, who, if she was around (she hadn't been all there for the past few days; Ron was pretty sure she wouldn't show) would use the "Petrificus Totalus" thing on Harry and steal his wand and invisibility cloak.
3 ½.If Hermione didn't show, then they would tranquilize him and leave him there.
4. After that was done, around midnight Candy would lead Flame and Spidey to the tower room to reclaim Legolas and hopefully trap Koname, while Ron gathered the recruits (they would begin recruiting a volunteer wizard militia as soon as they were finished planning) and got ready to storm the room if Flame should give the signal to move in. Belwyn would alert the Ministry of Magic if things got bad.
All were equipped with walkie-talkies and various weapons, some more so than others. All decked out in full gear, Ron, Spidey, and Candy looked like guerilla warriors that had been laid off several times and had to make do. Flame always looked like a slightly insane bounty hunter, so her appearance didn't change when she was tricked out in her scout/spy outfit. Since this is technically a Mary-Sue, I, the author, must devote an entire section to what everyone was wearing.
Ron: Ron's Operation Fangirl Storm outfit was a hand-me-down black turtleneck, a black ski mask, black pants, and black leather gloves, which he had found at a cheap thrift store. One of them was stained with blood, but they were still serviceable. On trying them on, Ron found that inside the bloody one was a gum wrapper on which the words "KATO IS GOING DOWN" and "SUCK IT JUDGE ELI" had been scrawled. (Heh. Note to self: Never shop in British wizard thrift stores). He was quite satisfied with his outfit, as it had been either that or a discarded Royal Guard outfit (Is that what they're called? Big fuffy hat, red uniform? Hey, I'm no Brit. Though I've heard they have great weather in London. Nice foggy damp greyness.)
Hermione: No one knew, as they had not seen her.
Flame: An outfit similar to the ones worn by the US Army, though dyed black, and a Zorro mask, with combat boots and a bandolier full of tranquilizer darts. Topped off with a black cape in case it got cold, fingerless gloves, a bandolier of tranquilizer darts, and the omnipresent flamethrower.
Candy: Candy had borrowed a black catsuit from Flame, who had been shopping in Hogsmeade. She also wore a hockey facemask she had found in the quidditch supply shed.
Belwyn: Her usual outfit.
Spidey: The usual spandex duds.
When the initial planning was through, Candy left the tape recorder on the table. "Now, in case we don't make it, they can listen to this and find out what happened." "Great. I think we're ready, hunh, Ron?" "Yeah, we're ready, Pete. But we need to hold a final meeting before we take any action. Gather the rest of our people." "Aye aye, Captain." Spidey left to find Hermione, Flame, and Belwyn.
He found Belwyn in the bathroom, washing her hands. "Come on. You're wanted in the living room. We're going to hold a meeting of Operation Fangirl Storm." "So, what am I, like Ex-Comm? I don't exactly have a big part in this plan, you know. I should. I know Koname." "What? Why? How?" "Easy on the interrogatives, big fella. She's my sister. Guess I should have told you earlier, eh?" "Yes. Go tell Ron. He'll probably appoint you Chief Advisor, or something." Belwyn shrugged. " 'Kay," Off she flounced, as Spidey shook his head and muttered.
He found Flame in back of the cottage, beating an old man to death with a pointy stick. "YOU *whack * MOTHERFUCKING *whack* MISOGYNIST *whack* PERVERT! *whack*" "GAH! Flame, what the hell are you DOING?" "This old guy says he's a cousin of Dumbledore. He told me I was WEIRD and PRETTY. He should die." "Um, okay. Does he have a name?" "Calls himself *whack * Gandalf. He came with a dude named Merlin but I already set him on fire." "Um....oh. Uh, Ron's holding a meeting. You're wanted there." "Since when did they make HIM king? He's twelve fucking years old. The only reason he's in charge is because he's a MALE." "Um, Flame, language please. There is a family audience." "Oh, shut your piehole, Spiderboy." "He's in charge because he knows the place, Flame. The layout of this castle is tricky, and..." "Yeah, yeah, I'm coming." She gave the body of the old guy one more whack, and sullenly stomped into the cottage, leaving poor Spiderman shaking and traumatized for life. (Yeah. You go girl.)
He found Hermione passing out garlic pizza to the populace in the Great Hall. "What are you DOING?! You're supposed to be helping with (he lowered his voice) Fangirl Storm." "Listen, Spidey, I'm on another wavelength; I'm on another mission. I'm trying to find the vampire that got McGonagall. He'll strike again tonight, I know he will." And she told him her entire story. "And if I kill him before tonight, I promise I'll help. I promise." Spidey looked at her in amazement. "So...it was you....who killed...." "Yes. It was for her own good and the good of everyone else here. I'll come to your little council, but after that I've got to get back to my vamp hunting. It's not going very well, though, everyone seems to love garlic pizza. I've tested everyone except you guys." "Are you sure that he's still here? I mean, it's kind of hard to tell if it's a student or not, right?" "Impossible to tell, though I have a hunch....." Hermione trailed off. It was so obvious who the vampire was that it wasn't even funny. "DUH! I've been so stupid! She's been right under my nose!" And Hermione took off for the cottage, Spidey trailing behind. How had he gotten into this?
Stage II: The Council of Ron
In back of the cottage, in lawn chairs arranged in a circle, sat the elite members of Operation Fangirl Storm, (including Hermione, who was waiting for the precise time to expose Belwyn as a killer and a vampire)Ex- Comm.(You know, Kennedy's team of elite advisors during the Cuban Missile Crisis.) Ron, the Commander-in-Chief of OFS, adjusted his tiara. On the right side of him sat the Chief Intelligence Advisor, Belwyn, who knew how Koname's mind worked. On the other side sat Flame, who was both the Secretary of Defense and the Commander-in-Chief of the infiltration department. To her left was Spiderman, next to him was Candy, and next to Candy was Hermione. Harry demanded to be part of the circle, and sat in the middle. "Let the Council of Ron begin," began the Press Secretary/Commander- in-Chief of the magic department/vampire hunter, Hermione. "I will begin this Council by exposing a murderer among us!" The Council feel silent. "Belwyn is a vampire. She got McGonagall. I got rid of McGonagall." Everyone stared at the object of that oh-so-blunt accusation, who broke down in tears. "I was hungry! She was the first I'd bitten in a long time, but oh, I was starving! I was dying! I've become a vegetarian now, I promise! Just...just get that garlic away from me!" Hermione was eating a slice of pizza. "Stop! Noooooo!" Belwyn fell to the ground and writhed." "Hermione! Stop torturing the Intelligence Advisor!" Ron boomed. "Sorry, but you had to know." "Belwyn! Get off the motherfu-" "Language, Flame." "Yeah, yeah. I say she's fine; she could have bitten us a thousand times before. She just wants revenge on her sister, for some reason." "Yeah, Belwyn, why do you want revenge?" Belwyn sat back down in her lawn chair. "'Tis a sad story....she was always the favorite because she was a wizard. Poor Belwyn, never as talented or pretty as Koname. The other Lacey girl, the one that no one cared about. For that I seek my revenge, so that I may have my glory. I became a vampire by accident, 'tis true. I shall never use it against anyone, so long as I have my revenge." "Oh-kay. Right. So, why the hell are we here?" "Yeah, Ron, why're we doing this?" Ron shrugged. "Probably so the author could find a place to expose Belwyn as a vampire." Five heads nodded in agreement, and five red slips fluttered to the ground. "Violation of Fanfiction Code," they read, "Conspiring against the author." Ron looked up at the sky. "We weren't conspiring, we were just..saying!" Another red slip came down. "Violation of Rule 45. Talking back to the author. One more strike and you're out, Weasley." Ron swore. Heavy clouds rolled in, and it became very dark in a matter of seconds. Thunder rolled in the distance. "Dammit, Ron, you made her mad. Now it's gonna rain. So much for our plan going complication-free."
A/N: I'd like to give a big "THANK YOOOOOOOUU!!!!" to one reviewer: RegFrankieFan. I was getting ready to quit this script once and for all, and let the characters waste away (Like my other fic, 'Highway Fifty-One', which hasn't died yet; I will try and keep it alive). But it only takes one review.....if I hadn't quit my fics, I probably would have kept writing only for the fans and the sake of reviews, not for my own twisted enjoyment. You know, 'Ten reviews for another chapter', that kind of thing. But one simply heartfelt review has kept me writing, and there's even going to be a sequel. Thanks again. It only takes one review when you're feeling down, folks. Just one. *hugs all the reviewers * Muahahah, I'm sure none of you wanted me to do that...*evil cackle *
"OoOOOOoOOOoOo!!!! JEDI!" squealed the pink anime thing. "You're so haaaaandsommmmme...." It patted Anakin's head, as if he were some bizarre dog that had fallen into nuclear waste and then been combined (by genetic screwing around) with a human. Anakin passed out, and before he hit the floor, he disappeared. Obi- Wan, seeing his padawan being fondled by that THING (Wolf? Human? Monster?) and then disappearing, did likewise, vanishing into thin air. "What in tarnation's goin' on?" Chevy, who appeared to be some kind of redneck hybrid who occasionally spoke like a nineteenth-century-esque cowgirl/sheriff. The anime thing hit her over the head with a paperweight, and she lost consciousness and disappeared. The anime thing knew what was going on. And she was loving it. She hit herself with the paperweight, and departed.
FWUMP. FWUMP. FWUMP. FWUMP. They landed, one by one, in the Gryffindor common room, which was occupied by Neville, Fred, and George. Well, Fred and George had somehow hung Neville on the chandelier and were trying to get him down. "Well, would you look at that, George," commented Fred (it could have been George). "Blimey! Two Jedi, a redneck/cowgirl, and a creepy anime werewolf! Hey, check it out, in this fic I KNOW ALL," said George (it could have been Fred). "MPH!" remarked Neville, whose mouth had been duct- taped shut. "Dontcha love duct tape, Fred?" "I sure do, George." "Wanna go introduce Professor Lupin to the anime thing?" "Sure." And with that, they dragged away the nameless anime girl and left the other unconscious fic- victims on the floor.
Hermione was on a mission. While the others prepared to storm the tower room that night, she was preparing for a different infiltration. Operation Garlic Attack. Tonight, the vampire would strike again, and she would be there to stop it. She was dressed much as Cho had been the night before, though it was nine in the morning and the others were still planning Stage One of their Operation Fangirl Storm. She strapped on a survival package and attached several anti-vampire devices to her belt, including a crucifix, a few cloves of garlic, her silver-bullet gun, and a stake. In her hair was perched a tiara of rowan. If she could catch the vampire in the daytime, before it struck again...Hermione picked up the phone and ordered seven hundred garlic pizzas, using the Force to avoid paying. A brilliant plan, she thought. Brilliant.
Stage I: The Planning Stage
In the cottage, Ron and Spidey planned for all they were worth, with Candy as a stenographer/ tape recorder.
1.Spidey and Belwyn would leave at nine o'clock, dressed appropriately, and head into the woods where they would request the aid of the spiders.
2.They would then head back to the cottage, where Ron (not wanting to be around the spiders, of course) would page Firenze and Friends (hee, I made a rhyme) and ask them to use their Crappy CGI Powers to fix Ron's wand (no, not THAT way, you perverted morons) and create a diversion.
3.Hermione, who, if she was around (she hadn't been all there for the past few days; Ron was pretty sure she wouldn't show) would use the "Petrificus Totalus" thing on Harry and steal his wand and invisibility cloak.
3 ½.If Hermione didn't show, then they would tranquilize him and leave him there.
4. After that was done, around midnight Candy would lead Flame and Spidey to the tower room to reclaim Legolas and hopefully trap Koname, while Ron gathered the recruits (they would begin recruiting a volunteer wizard militia as soon as they were finished planning) and got ready to storm the room if Flame should give the signal to move in. Belwyn would alert the Ministry of Magic if things got bad.
All were equipped with walkie-talkies and various weapons, some more so than others. All decked out in full gear, Ron, Spidey, and Candy looked like guerilla warriors that had been laid off several times and had to make do. Flame always looked like a slightly insane bounty hunter, so her appearance didn't change when she was tricked out in her scout/spy outfit. Since this is technically a Mary-Sue, I, the author, must devote an entire section to what everyone was wearing.
Ron: Ron's Operation Fangirl Storm outfit was a hand-me-down black turtleneck, a black ski mask, black pants, and black leather gloves, which he had found at a cheap thrift store. One of them was stained with blood, but they were still serviceable. On trying them on, Ron found that inside the bloody one was a gum wrapper on which the words "KATO IS GOING DOWN" and "SUCK IT JUDGE ELI" had been scrawled. (Heh. Note to self: Never shop in British wizard thrift stores). He was quite satisfied with his outfit, as it had been either that or a discarded Royal Guard outfit (Is that what they're called? Big fuffy hat, red uniform? Hey, I'm no Brit. Though I've heard they have great weather in London. Nice foggy damp greyness.)
Hermione: No one knew, as they had not seen her.
Flame: An outfit similar to the ones worn by the US Army, though dyed black, and a Zorro mask, with combat boots and a bandolier full of tranquilizer darts. Topped off with a black cape in case it got cold, fingerless gloves, a bandolier of tranquilizer darts, and the omnipresent flamethrower.
Candy: Candy had borrowed a black catsuit from Flame, who had been shopping in Hogsmeade. She also wore a hockey facemask she had found in the quidditch supply shed.
Belwyn: Her usual outfit.
Spidey: The usual spandex duds.
When the initial planning was through, Candy left the tape recorder on the table. "Now, in case we don't make it, they can listen to this and find out what happened." "Great. I think we're ready, hunh, Ron?" "Yeah, we're ready, Pete. But we need to hold a final meeting before we take any action. Gather the rest of our people." "Aye aye, Captain." Spidey left to find Hermione, Flame, and Belwyn.
He found Belwyn in the bathroom, washing her hands. "Come on. You're wanted in the living room. We're going to hold a meeting of Operation Fangirl Storm." "So, what am I, like Ex-Comm? I don't exactly have a big part in this plan, you know. I should. I know Koname." "What? Why? How?" "Easy on the interrogatives, big fella. She's my sister. Guess I should have told you earlier, eh?" "Yes. Go tell Ron. He'll probably appoint you Chief Advisor, or something." Belwyn shrugged. " 'Kay," Off she flounced, as Spidey shook his head and muttered.
He found Flame in back of the cottage, beating an old man to death with a pointy stick. "YOU *whack * MOTHERFUCKING *whack* MISOGYNIST *whack* PERVERT! *whack*" "GAH! Flame, what the hell are you DOING?" "This old guy says he's a cousin of Dumbledore. He told me I was WEIRD and PRETTY. He should die." "Um, okay. Does he have a name?" "Calls himself *whack * Gandalf. He came with a dude named Merlin but I already set him on fire." "Um....oh. Uh, Ron's holding a meeting. You're wanted there." "Since when did they make HIM king? He's twelve fucking years old. The only reason he's in charge is because he's a MALE." "Um, Flame, language please. There is a family audience." "Oh, shut your piehole, Spiderboy." "He's in charge because he knows the place, Flame. The layout of this castle is tricky, and..." "Yeah, yeah, I'm coming." She gave the body of the old guy one more whack, and sullenly stomped into the cottage, leaving poor Spiderman shaking and traumatized for life. (Yeah. You go girl.)
He found Hermione passing out garlic pizza to the populace in the Great Hall. "What are you DOING?! You're supposed to be helping with (he lowered his voice) Fangirl Storm." "Listen, Spidey, I'm on another wavelength; I'm on another mission. I'm trying to find the vampire that got McGonagall. He'll strike again tonight, I know he will." And she told him her entire story. "And if I kill him before tonight, I promise I'll help. I promise." Spidey looked at her in amazement. "So...it was you....who killed...." "Yes. It was for her own good and the good of everyone else here. I'll come to your little council, but after that I've got to get back to my vamp hunting. It's not going very well, though, everyone seems to love garlic pizza. I've tested everyone except you guys." "Are you sure that he's still here? I mean, it's kind of hard to tell if it's a student or not, right?" "Impossible to tell, though I have a hunch....." Hermione trailed off. It was so obvious who the vampire was that it wasn't even funny. "DUH! I've been so stupid! She's been right under my nose!" And Hermione took off for the cottage, Spidey trailing behind. How had he gotten into this?
Stage II: The Council of Ron
In back of the cottage, in lawn chairs arranged in a circle, sat the elite members of Operation Fangirl Storm, (including Hermione, who was waiting for the precise time to expose Belwyn as a killer and a vampire)Ex- Comm.(You know, Kennedy's team of elite advisors during the Cuban Missile Crisis.) Ron, the Commander-in-Chief of OFS, adjusted his tiara. On the right side of him sat the Chief Intelligence Advisor, Belwyn, who knew how Koname's mind worked. On the other side sat Flame, who was both the Secretary of Defense and the Commander-in-Chief of the infiltration department. To her left was Spiderman, next to him was Candy, and next to Candy was Hermione. Harry demanded to be part of the circle, and sat in the middle. "Let the Council of Ron begin," began the Press Secretary/Commander- in-Chief of the magic department/vampire hunter, Hermione. "I will begin this Council by exposing a murderer among us!" The Council feel silent. "Belwyn is a vampire. She got McGonagall. I got rid of McGonagall." Everyone stared at the object of that oh-so-blunt accusation, who broke down in tears. "I was hungry! She was the first I'd bitten in a long time, but oh, I was starving! I was dying! I've become a vegetarian now, I promise! Just...just get that garlic away from me!" Hermione was eating a slice of pizza. "Stop! Noooooo!" Belwyn fell to the ground and writhed." "Hermione! Stop torturing the Intelligence Advisor!" Ron boomed. "Sorry, but you had to know." "Belwyn! Get off the motherfu-" "Language, Flame." "Yeah, yeah. I say she's fine; she could have bitten us a thousand times before. She just wants revenge on her sister, for some reason." "Yeah, Belwyn, why do you want revenge?" Belwyn sat back down in her lawn chair. "'Tis a sad story....she was always the favorite because she was a wizard. Poor Belwyn, never as talented or pretty as Koname. The other Lacey girl, the one that no one cared about. For that I seek my revenge, so that I may have my glory. I became a vampire by accident, 'tis true. I shall never use it against anyone, so long as I have my revenge." "Oh-kay. Right. So, why the hell are we here?" "Yeah, Ron, why're we doing this?" Ron shrugged. "Probably so the author could find a place to expose Belwyn as a vampire." Five heads nodded in agreement, and five red slips fluttered to the ground. "Violation of Fanfiction Code," they read, "Conspiring against the author." Ron looked up at the sky. "We weren't conspiring, we were just..saying!" Another red slip came down. "Violation of Rule 45. Talking back to the author. One more strike and you're out, Weasley." Ron swore. Heavy clouds rolled in, and it became very dark in a matter of seconds. Thunder rolled in the distance. "Dammit, Ron, you made her mad. Now it's gonna rain. So much for our plan going complication-free."