Chapter 11: In Love And War
"My God. Master, where..where are we?" "I don't know, Anakin. It appears that there's something going on, though. I can feel it." "Ya can? What's happnin'? Where in tarnation are we?" "Easy, Chevy. It's early yet. I have a feeling we'll find out sooner or later. It's barely nine o' clock."
"This is insane. We're not following the plan at all. And I left my antibac wipes back at the cottage." "Chill out, Bell. We're almost there." "But I'm hungry. And I'll break my word if I have to." "Oh, no you won't. I'll tie you up and leave you here for the spiders." "Not if I get you first, you selfish pig-" Belwyn's words froze in her mouth, as standing before her was the largest spider she had ever seen. Spiderman, not fazed in the least, spoke to it. "Friends! We come in peace." Belwyn groaned. "Ah. A horror- movie buff, you are? Speak like Yoda, I do. Fun, it is. Eat you, I will, if you don't drop the act and tell me what the hell it is you want." "Sorry. We want you to help us stop a horrible siege of Hogwarts." "Easier said than done, no?" "Precisely. We were kinda hoping you would keep the bloodshed to a minimum." "Darn. But, you know, 's all good. So long as you pay us well." "Really? That's all?" "Yeah. How much you got? We take cash." The spider was beginning to sound more and more like a mafia member. "Seventy-three bucks, US, and around twelve pounds." "Hmm. Not a rich guy, ey, flyboy?" "We-ell, I wouldn't call it poor, but-" "Fine. I'll take it." Belwyn saw her chance to speak up. "You and who else?" "Just me. Whaddaya expect, the whole freakin' navy? I told you, we don't work for free." Belwyn pulled Spidey aside. "This is not good. I guess we ought to take him, but....." "It's okay. Better than nothing, and people freak out over giant spiders anyway. One'll be sufficient." "Are you sure?" "Positive. We don't want a massacre, Bell." "True." She turned to the spider. "You're in. By the way, my name's Belwyn and this is Peter." "Call me Axl. You know, like Guns 'n Roses?" "Uh..yeah. Sure, Ax." And they made their way back to the cabin, while more ominous clouds piled up above.
"Where's the spiders?" Ron peeked out the door, nervously. "You mean spider. We only got one. He's outside." "ONE? Oh, man." "Well, at least we got something." "Yeah, but......Firenze and his buddies are in Tahiti this weekend. We have no Crappy CGI powers. We're doomed. Those goons are gonna take over by dawn, I know it." Hermione, who was reading over the plans, shook her head. "This is hopeless. We're gonna hafta scrap these. We haven't seen Flame in ages; she's been gone since that meeting." "Yeah, she told me she was gonna go scout around, you know. If we could get back Legolas early, this thing'll be over before it begins. See, the way I figure is, if we take their weapon then they won't brainwash us." Candy was filing her nails. "I would have gone with, except she didn't want company." "I don't understand," interrupted Spidey, "exactly how they plan to attack and brainwash the entire female population of Hogwarts. They have no weapons, nor anything else. What have they got that we don't?" Hermione pulled out a large, outdated book that was entirely handwritten. "This I stole from an old woman in Hogsmeade who claims she can make people fall in love. See, it says here that once they have a potential lust object that meets the standards of appearance and personality" she pointed to a faded chart in the center of the page, "All they have to do to make mass quantities of people fall in love is to instill an image of said lust object in the minds of the hapless people, especially via dreams, and then get them all to consume a small amount of what's known as Love Potion Number Nine, which includes lemon extract, vanilla, one hair from the head of the lust object, cinnamon, red wine buried in a leather cask under an oak tree on the night of the full moon(the duration of the burial doesn't matter- three days or three years or three minutes), and a tiny portion of magically neutralized arsenic. All they've got to do is send the ladies an image of Veela-boy in their dreams tonight, which any idiot can do, and then slip some of that vile mix into the water, and bam," her voice lowered to an eerie whisper, "We've got ourselves an epidemic." "But how do you know? They may not do that at all." "I know, Ron, because I have proof. The other day when I was out hunting vampires, about three nights ago, the moon was full. I saw Miss Lacey digging. Under an oak tree." "How......convenient. Hey, no one ever said Mary-Sues were difficult to act in." A small, white slip of paper drifted toward Candy, and she snatched it from the air, her face stricken, her knuckles white. For she read:
VIOLATION OF FANFICTION FORESHADOWING CODE
I don't care if you are the reason the Fangirl Empire will be defeated.
You're out, Candy.
And as soon as she finished that last fatal sentence, Candy, the one who was to have saved them all, disappeared.
Ron saw her vanish, and swore. "Dammit, this is getting worse and worse...what will we do without a supposed heroine? She was supposed to lead Flame and Spidey to the tower and get back Legolas........say, where IS Spidey? He was here two minutes ago!" Ron, on a hunch, peered up into the cloudy sky. A white slip of paper floated lazily right into his hand.
HA, HA.
You've meddled too much, Ron Weasley.
I, the author, have personally delivered Spidey into the hands of the fangirls. Your brothers and I were getting bored.
Have fun.
Ron wrung his hands in despair. "WHY?! WHY?! WHYYYYYYYY?!" Hermione started, then slapped him smartly across the face. "SNAP OUT OF IT, WEASLEY! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!" Her cliché-ful bout of insanity startled Ron into obeying. And the door flung wide open, and in strode Flame........with three strangers in tow.
Meanwhile, Fred, George, Delta, and Oliver were watching on the MST-cam. "Wow, this could be a real good reality show, " remarked Oliver, "If you like that kind of thing." "Yeah, it's starting to bug me that I can't have control anymore. It's getting harder to remove characters; ever since I let it get out of hand......" "You mean that you didn't revoke your author powers on purpose?" "Of course not, Fred. Or George. See, it shouldn't have got this far. I was going to quit at Chapter Ten, but things kinda got out of hand. Koname is too powerful. It's all real down there, guys. I have no more control." The author calmly sat down on the white leather couch. "And this doesn't bother you?" "Not a bit. I mean, I highly doubt that anyone's gonna die. Some people may get a little brainwashed, but, oh well. Nothing we can do about it." Fred gave her an odd look. "You mean that my brother could be hurt? And we can't do anything about it?" "Anything could happen. Besides, you're still all-knowing. Maybe you can tell what's gonna happen. Don't worry about it; no one important ever dies in Mary-Sues." "True." And he sat back down to watch the nonexistent carnage.
The clock in the Great Hall struck ten, but the inhabitants of the West Tower didn't hear it. The Lady Koname sat at the massive mahogany desk, wearing a surgical mask and holding a dropper full of clear pink liquid over a tiny container of white powder. Across the room, Cho Chang sat next to the canopied bed in the second blue armchair, watching. "What's that?" "Arsenic." The Lady's voice was hoarse, but velvety nonetheless. "WHAT!?" "Shhh, dear. You'll wake him." "He's drugged, Koname." "Yes, but he's also not human; they're not as effective on him. And this is neutralized arsenic." "What? Poison is poison, Koname." "No, not this. The toxins have been magically removed. However, when infused with rose petal extract, the remaining chemicals react very strongly with the rose to form a powerful aphrodesiac." "Oh. I suppose you'll add that to your potion?" "Quite right. How much wine did you put?" "All of it. The cask was small. How will you ever get it into the food?" "Oh, you know, I'll send it with a house-elf. They're easy to fool, the little buggers." "House-elves.....any relation to our dear Legolas here?" "Oh, heaven forbid, no! Actually a type of goblin. Do be quiet, he's stirring. There: done. Now, Cho, take this down to the kitchens and make sure it gets into something that everyone will eat, if not the water. It only affects the girls, though. If I wanted the boys, I would have added white wine. Maybe put it into the pumpkin juice. Go now, dear, and hurry. I'll be asleep when you return; the dream-spell only takes five minutes when one has a crystal ball. Go swiftly! And do not spill it." The Lady, clad all in black and covered like the pictures of those Afghan women in burkas, removed her mask and let the scarf fall from her mouth. "Don't fail. 'Tis an easy task, but I sense something is afoot. Something big." And she handed Cho the bottle of potion, and watched her leave. The beautiful Koname leaned over the edge of the bed and looked lovingly at her captive prince. "Soon, my love, I shall be your queen, and we shall rule this place.....once I have them to do my bidding, I shall release them from the spell of that foul potion and no one shall have you but me........." she murmured and fingered his hair, and placed a kiss on his lips, and then- BAM- in came Spidey. He fell in a heap on the floor in the common fashion, and looked in horror at his surroundings. "N-no!" "Hush, boy! You need not scream! You'll wake him! Ah, but where on earth did you come from," she purred. He scrambled up off the floor and shoved her to the ground. She snarled angrily, muttered a spell, and Spidey choked and clutched at his throat, and fell to the ground in a dead faint.
"Flame! And.......Obi-Wan Kenobi? And......whoa, this is too freaky." "Yeah, you're welcome. I found these Jedi and Chevy here lurking around the second-floor conservatory and greenhouses. They'll be of some use." Anakin and Obi-Wan looked in admiration of the rough, sarcastic warrior: She had the skill of a bounty hunter, but the personality of an angry truck driver with severe and permanent PMS. They could respect that. And they didn't have a choice, because the Force was strong with her, and she agreed to hop on over to Coruscant and check out the Temple courses if they helped her. Yoda would be ecstatically pleased, they thought, with a new recruit. So the Jedi were more than happy to cooperate. "And, you lazy fags, I got up to the tower and spied. We need to get up there real fast, 'cause there's no time for gathering an army. That devil lady's mixing up some type of potion to contaminate the water. We'll fight with what we have; just as long as that potion doesn't get near the kitchens. Send that giant spider you have out back to guard the galley. Now, we haven't time to waste." She turned on her heel, cocking her tranq gun as she went, and sprinted across the grounds, with Ron, Hermione, Belwyn, and the spider at her heels. Chevy stared after them, and looked at Harry. Harry shrugged, and, plodding dejectedly, took up the rear. After all, they had forgotten to knock him out. Those arrogant supporting characters.....he would get his revenge soon, very soon.
Poor Cho was petrified. She had been so close to becoming the ruler of all Hogwarts, maybe even Queen of England, only to be finished in such an untimely and tragic manner: Death By Giant Talking Spider. She had slipped soundlessly through the labarynthine passages of the castle, taking shortcuts and detours, and staying alert, which was hard, because she had been awake since so early this morning......despite her impending doom, Cho yawned. The spider blocking the kitchen doors gave her an eight-eyed scowl. "What's a skinny little broad like you doing out at nearly eleven, when you're s'posed to be sleepin'?" "I'm, uh, delivering this. To the house- elves. In the kitchen. It's urgent, from Professor Lacey." "Yeah? What is it?" "Um, pasteurizing potion. She foresaw that a lot of,uh, kids were gonna get sick from drinking, uh, milk with bacteria in it. Just an extra precaution." "I see. So, why so late?" "Well, she never knows when the Sight will hit her, and so, uh, here I am. She couldn't come herself, 'cause, uh, she was doing something with those divining sticks of hers, to tell how bad the sickness'll be." "Hmmm. I must think over whether to let you pass." "Please, Mr. Spider, it's urgent. Right now, there are house- elves drinking that contaminated milk. I MUST get inside! Please!" The spider looked at her panicked face. After all, no one had told him whose side he was on: this gal seemed innocent enough. "Okay, go on in."
Chevy, meanwhile, had gone back into the cottage directly after the departure of the members of OFS. She sat down on the couch, and closed her eyes. Just for five minutes; she'd had a terribly confusing day. She knew it was all a dream, but still........her head lolled and she nodded off, and a peculiar dream invaded her psyche at once.........
-There was a thick mist on the ground. She was in a beautiful rose garden, all abloom and smelling heavenly. She wore her jeans and a t-shirt, nothing fancy, yet she felt as if she ought to be dressed up in such a lovely place. Chevy sat on the edge of a fountain, the water crystal-clear and studded with ornamental fish of all colors. Someone was coming.......a young man, tall, blonde, with blue eyes that showed too much wisdom for the age he appeared to be. He sat next to her, an angel, so handsome, and they kissed-
Chevy awoke with a terrible start. She looked at the clock; it was fifteen minutes later, but it felt like an eternity had passed since she first fell asleep. The dream had not cleared from her head but hung on, and made her feel quite odd- as if she was lacking something. She was also terribly thirsty. Chevy pulled on her hood and left the cottage, in search of something to eat and drink. The water in the tap didn't taste right, and the fridge was devoid of anything edible. So she battled the rain and set off towards the huge castle, where every girl, and some of the boys, were having the exact same dream.
"Where is the well?" "'Tis not here, miss. I'm not sure where our water comes from exactly, with my humblest apologies. Have a cookie?" "No, thanks. I want you to make sure this entire keg of, ah, pasteurizing potion gets into the pumpkin juice, seeing as that's what everyone drinks." "Why, miss?" "How dare you question me!" Cho kicked at the pathetic little creature, sending him flying."Someone, get this into the pumpkin juice. NOW!" A dozen house elves rushed forward, and one grabbed the jar and set off at a run for the giant vat of orange, frothy liquid that sat like a squatting giant on the east wall of the enormous kitchen. Suddenly, without warning, something flew past Cho's ear and collided with the little elf, whose feet came out from under him and he fell, lifeless, on the floor. The skin of potion flew and landed fifteen feet away from Cho, who dove for it, tripped over the now-dead elf, and hit the floor, where she scrambled wildly before she realized that someone was standing on her cloak. "Not so fast, you pitiful rat." A girl, hardly older than Cho with bright red, short-cropped hair wearing what looked like black military fatigues was pointing a bizarre weapon in her face. "What exactly do you think you're doing?" Cho sputtered, "Pasteurize.......juice......" "Yeah. Sure. I know what's going on; don't bother lying to me. You're one of Koname's minions, aren't you?" Cho turned a nasty shade of green, and Flame realized something that she hadn't before: the girl's eyes. They were rather dialated, and the iris was an unnatural shade of bright, electric blue. A bad sign, like the primal fear that flickered across Cho's face, an expression of pure instinctive terror that screamed, "Spare me! Help!" Flame let go of her cloak. "Get up. Now." Cho shakily stood. "Look at me." She glanced up, not meeting Flame's eyes. "You......there's something not right. You're not right. Look at me. In the eyes." Cho again glanced up, and returned her gaze to the floor. "Look at me, or I'll blow your everloving brains out." "You........you don't want that......." "Yeah, I do. Now." "Fine. You asked for it." Cho suddenly looked up, into Flame's lime-colored contacts. Flame stared back, for there were images there, in that frightening pale blue and liquid black.......the two were locked in each other's eyes, Cho unable to move, Flame not wanting to. For she saw a picture, a dream, there in those dead blue eyes, and a sweeter scene she had never witnessed.......
Flame was in some snowy woods, silent, eerie. Her red hair was long, as it had once been, and she wore a colorless, plain shift and fur boots. In the dream, she walked forward, through the trees into a small clearing. In the centre of the clearing stood Legolas, and at his feet was a single red rose. From the edge of the trees, she watched him bend over and pluck the rose from the snow, like a dancer in a silent ballet. She floated up to him, her feet seeming to float inches above the ground, and he gave her the rose, and she pressed it to his lips........a thorn on the stem drew a shining drop of blood.....the same color as the rose......Flame wanted to cry and shout and explode and laugh all at the same time......the ruby drop of blood fell, slowly, silently, onto her hand and then-
"Why the hell'd she send us up here alone? This is insane, it is. Hunh, Ron?" "Shut up, Belwyn. We're almost there. Besides, can't you see in the dark?" "Yeah, but still. Ouch! You clumsy fool-" "You be quiet. You're not a bit of help, you know. I doubt you even remember what you're supposed to do when we get there." "Of course; it's easy. I'm to stall Koname and break her crystal ball, which will get rid of the dream-spell, and then while she attacks you two I'm to grab the guy and run. Say, Ron, how do you plan to attack her if you haven't got a wand?" "Well, I wasn't going to attack her, just.....defend if she attacks us. I took Harry's wand when he wasn't looking." "Oh."
"Hey! What are you-" Obi-Wan stopped short. Flame was looking at Cho, no, Cho was hypnotizing Flame. "Hey!" He waved his hand at Cho, and she flew across the room yet again. She slumped softly to the floor. "Unh." Flame, on the other hand, was breathing heavily, nearly hyperventilating. "Flame! Flame, wake up. Look at me." Flame's eyes were dialated as Cho's had been, but she wasn't fully brainwashed. "Oh God. Oh God. Thank God, Kenobi, I almost........she almost got me. Something's happened to her, someone got her and she was gonna get me....that drop of red blood, so red, I wanted to lick it off, it was terrible, I couldn't control-" "Shh, now. You're strong. Very strong. Someone without the Force in them would have succumbed to her powers; she's been instilled with some powerful shit. Careful, now, lean on me. Don't try to walk. She's out like a light, and won't wake up anytime soon. Come on." He offered his shoulder for her to lean on, but she gently shoved him away and walked haltingly, unsurely, to the double doors of the galley. "Come on. They're in the West Tower. Make sure that......oh,no, no, no...." A house-elf was busily dumping the contents of the vessel which Cho had been carrying into the vat of orange-colored juice. "Lady told me to," he mumbled to himself, "told me to, told me to...."
When Legolas awoke, he was lying down. On a sinking featherbed he was, and next to him was Koname. The Lady Koname's dark hair was fanned out on the pillow, and her skin was ghastly pale in the moonlight streaming from the open window. She looked sick, or if she had been doing an immense amount of tiring work. For now that the dream-spell had begun to take effect on hundreds of girls, it was slowly draining her- her breathing was labored, her full lips slightly blue. Legolas, pushing aside the thought of having a strange woman asleep next to him, leaned over and brushed a wisp of hair from her face. She stirred, and awoke. "Hello, my dear. You're awake." Her usually cold, silky voice was weak and strained. She turned over and gagged once, and then said, "Oh, my, I didn't know this would happen.....it must be the dreams....." Legolas' compassion overrode the last shred of mind- boggling dislike for the woman, and placed a hand on her back to steady her while she sat up. "Thank y-you." She hobbled wearily over to the desk, when- "Stop right there!" A bolt of something hit her directly in the back of her neck, and she went down. "Hah. Now I don't even have to talk to her." In came Belwyn and Ron and Hermione, who bore a wand and a smug look of contempt. She aimed a smirk at the blonde prince. "I'd put some clothes on before you got all the way out of that bed." Legolas blushed a deep red, as Belwyn remarked, "Ugh. I'm not carrying the naked guy anywhere." "Who said you had to carry him?" "Well, my instructions were to 'grab the guy and run'. I thought you meant it literally." "Oh, come on. You don't even have to do any work, now that I've hit her with that Electricus Shockucus." "Oh, shut up. That didn't even sound Latin." Their bickering was interrupted by Ron, who was having his windpipe crushed by the hands of the fallen sorceress. "Do be quiet, Ron, can't you see we're trying to have an argument?" They continued the stream of insults.
Another day, another dollar..I'm ready to quit this thing once and for all. Next chap's the last. Anyone see MST3k this week? "The Screaming Skull"? That was the worst movie they had in a while...yet another reason why the fifties were really, really weird.
"My God. Master, where..where are we?" "I don't know, Anakin. It appears that there's something going on, though. I can feel it." "Ya can? What's happnin'? Where in tarnation are we?" "Easy, Chevy. It's early yet. I have a feeling we'll find out sooner or later. It's barely nine o' clock."
"This is insane. We're not following the plan at all. And I left my antibac wipes back at the cottage." "Chill out, Bell. We're almost there." "But I'm hungry. And I'll break my word if I have to." "Oh, no you won't. I'll tie you up and leave you here for the spiders." "Not if I get you first, you selfish pig-" Belwyn's words froze in her mouth, as standing before her was the largest spider she had ever seen. Spiderman, not fazed in the least, spoke to it. "Friends! We come in peace." Belwyn groaned. "Ah. A horror- movie buff, you are? Speak like Yoda, I do. Fun, it is. Eat you, I will, if you don't drop the act and tell me what the hell it is you want." "Sorry. We want you to help us stop a horrible siege of Hogwarts." "Easier said than done, no?" "Precisely. We were kinda hoping you would keep the bloodshed to a minimum." "Darn. But, you know, 's all good. So long as you pay us well." "Really? That's all?" "Yeah. How much you got? We take cash." The spider was beginning to sound more and more like a mafia member. "Seventy-three bucks, US, and around twelve pounds." "Hmm. Not a rich guy, ey, flyboy?" "We-ell, I wouldn't call it poor, but-" "Fine. I'll take it." Belwyn saw her chance to speak up. "You and who else?" "Just me. Whaddaya expect, the whole freakin' navy? I told you, we don't work for free." Belwyn pulled Spidey aside. "This is not good. I guess we ought to take him, but....." "It's okay. Better than nothing, and people freak out over giant spiders anyway. One'll be sufficient." "Are you sure?" "Positive. We don't want a massacre, Bell." "True." She turned to the spider. "You're in. By the way, my name's Belwyn and this is Peter." "Call me Axl. You know, like Guns 'n Roses?" "Uh..yeah. Sure, Ax." And they made their way back to the cabin, while more ominous clouds piled up above.
"Where's the spiders?" Ron peeked out the door, nervously. "You mean spider. We only got one. He's outside." "ONE? Oh, man." "Well, at least we got something." "Yeah, but......Firenze and his buddies are in Tahiti this weekend. We have no Crappy CGI powers. We're doomed. Those goons are gonna take over by dawn, I know it." Hermione, who was reading over the plans, shook her head. "This is hopeless. We're gonna hafta scrap these. We haven't seen Flame in ages; she's been gone since that meeting." "Yeah, she told me she was gonna go scout around, you know. If we could get back Legolas early, this thing'll be over before it begins. See, the way I figure is, if we take their weapon then they won't brainwash us." Candy was filing her nails. "I would have gone with, except she didn't want company." "I don't understand," interrupted Spidey, "exactly how they plan to attack and brainwash the entire female population of Hogwarts. They have no weapons, nor anything else. What have they got that we don't?" Hermione pulled out a large, outdated book that was entirely handwritten. "This I stole from an old woman in Hogsmeade who claims she can make people fall in love. See, it says here that once they have a potential lust object that meets the standards of appearance and personality" she pointed to a faded chart in the center of the page, "All they have to do to make mass quantities of people fall in love is to instill an image of said lust object in the minds of the hapless people, especially via dreams, and then get them all to consume a small amount of what's known as Love Potion Number Nine, which includes lemon extract, vanilla, one hair from the head of the lust object, cinnamon, red wine buried in a leather cask under an oak tree on the night of the full moon(the duration of the burial doesn't matter- three days or three years or three minutes), and a tiny portion of magically neutralized arsenic. All they've got to do is send the ladies an image of Veela-boy in their dreams tonight, which any idiot can do, and then slip some of that vile mix into the water, and bam," her voice lowered to an eerie whisper, "We've got ourselves an epidemic." "But how do you know? They may not do that at all." "I know, Ron, because I have proof. The other day when I was out hunting vampires, about three nights ago, the moon was full. I saw Miss Lacey digging. Under an oak tree." "How......convenient. Hey, no one ever said Mary-Sues were difficult to act in." A small, white slip of paper drifted toward Candy, and she snatched it from the air, her face stricken, her knuckles white. For she read:
VIOLATION OF FANFICTION FORESHADOWING CODE
I don't care if you are the reason the Fangirl Empire will be defeated.
You're out, Candy.
And as soon as she finished that last fatal sentence, Candy, the one who was to have saved them all, disappeared.
Ron saw her vanish, and swore. "Dammit, this is getting worse and worse...what will we do without a supposed heroine? She was supposed to lead Flame and Spidey to the tower and get back Legolas........say, where IS Spidey? He was here two minutes ago!" Ron, on a hunch, peered up into the cloudy sky. A white slip of paper floated lazily right into his hand.
HA, HA.
You've meddled too much, Ron Weasley.
I, the author, have personally delivered Spidey into the hands of the fangirls. Your brothers and I were getting bored.
Have fun.
Ron wrung his hands in despair. "WHY?! WHY?! WHYYYYYYYY?!" Hermione started, then slapped him smartly across the face. "SNAP OUT OF IT, WEASLEY! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!" Her cliché-ful bout of insanity startled Ron into obeying. And the door flung wide open, and in strode Flame........with three strangers in tow.
Meanwhile, Fred, George, Delta, and Oliver were watching on the MST-cam. "Wow, this could be a real good reality show, " remarked Oliver, "If you like that kind of thing." "Yeah, it's starting to bug me that I can't have control anymore. It's getting harder to remove characters; ever since I let it get out of hand......" "You mean that you didn't revoke your author powers on purpose?" "Of course not, Fred. Or George. See, it shouldn't have got this far. I was going to quit at Chapter Ten, but things kinda got out of hand. Koname is too powerful. It's all real down there, guys. I have no more control." The author calmly sat down on the white leather couch. "And this doesn't bother you?" "Not a bit. I mean, I highly doubt that anyone's gonna die. Some people may get a little brainwashed, but, oh well. Nothing we can do about it." Fred gave her an odd look. "You mean that my brother could be hurt? And we can't do anything about it?" "Anything could happen. Besides, you're still all-knowing. Maybe you can tell what's gonna happen. Don't worry about it; no one important ever dies in Mary-Sues." "True." And he sat back down to watch the nonexistent carnage.
The clock in the Great Hall struck ten, but the inhabitants of the West Tower didn't hear it. The Lady Koname sat at the massive mahogany desk, wearing a surgical mask and holding a dropper full of clear pink liquid over a tiny container of white powder. Across the room, Cho Chang sat next to the canopied bed in the second blue armchair, watching. "What's that?" "Arsenic." The Lady's voice was hoarse, but velvety nonetheless. "WHAT!?" "Shhh, dear. You'll wake him." "He's drugged, Koname." "Yes, but he's also not human; they're not as effective on him. And this is neutralized arsenic." "What? Poison is poison, Koname." "No, not this. The toxins have been magically removed. However, when infused with rose petal extract, the remaining chemicals react very strongly with the rose to form a powerful aphrodesiac." "Oh. I suppose you'll add that to your potion?" "Quite right. How much wine did you put?" "All of it. The cask was small. How will you ever get it into the food?" "Oh, you know, I'll send it with a house-elf. They're easy to fool, the little buggers." "House-elves.....any relation to our dear Legolas here?" "Oh, heaven forbid, no! Actually a type of goblin. Do be quiet, he's stirring. There: done. Now, Cho, take this down to the kitchens and make sure it gets into something that everyone will eat, if not the water. It only affects the girls, though. If I wanted the boys, I would have added white wine. Maybe put it into the pumpkin juice. Go now, dear, and hurry. I'll be asleep when you return; the dream-spell only takes five minutes when one has a crystal ball. Go swiftly! And do not spill it." The Lady, clad all in black and covered like the pictures of those Afghan women in burkas, removed her mask and let the scarf fall from her mouth. "Don't fail. 'Tis an easy task, but I sense something is afoot. Something big." And she handed Cho the bottle of potion, and watched her leave. The beautiful Koname leaned over the edge of the bed and looked lovingly at her captive prince. "Soon, my love, I shall be your queen, and we shall rule this place.....once I have them to do my bidding, I shall release them from the spell of that foul potion and no one shall have you but me........." she murmured and fingered his hair, and placed a kiss on his lips, and then- BAM- in came Spidey. He fell in a heap on the floor in the common fashion, and looked in horror at his surroundings. "N-no!" "Hush, boy! You need not scream! You'll wake him! Ah, but where on earth did you come from," she purred. He scrambled up off the floor and shoved her to the ground. She snarled angrily, muttered a spell, and Spidey choked and clutched at his throat, and fell to the ground in a dead faint.
"Flame! And.......Obi-Wan Kenobi? And......whoa, this is too freaky." "Yeah, you're welcome. I found these Jedi and Chevy here lurking around the second-floor conservatory and greenhouses. They'll be of some use." Anakin and Obi-Wan looked in admiration of the rough, sarcastic warrior: She had the skill of a bounty hunter, but the personality of an angry truck driver with severe and permanent PMS. They could respect that. And they didn't have a choice, because the Force was strong with her, and she agreed to hop on over to Coruscant and check out the Temple courses if they helped her. Yoda would be ecstatically pleased, they thought, with a new recruit. So the Jedi were more than happy to cooperate. "And, you lazy fags, I got up to the tower and spied. We need to get up there real fast, 'cause there's no time for gathering an army. That devil lady's mixing up some type of potion to contaminate the water. We'll fight with what we have; just as long as that potion doesn't get near the kitchens. Send that giant spider you have out back to guard the galley. Now, we haven't time to waste." She turned on her heel, cocking her tranq gun as she went, and sprinted across the grounds, with Ron, Hermione, Belwyn, and the spider at her heels. Chevy stared after them, and looked at Harry. Harry shrugged, and, plodding dejectedly, took up the rear. After all, they had forgotten to knock him out. Those arrogant supporting characters.....he would get his revenge soon, very soon.
Poor Cho was petrified. She had been so close to becoming the ruler of all Hogwarts, maybe even Queen of England, only to be finished in such an untimely and tragic manner: Death By Giant Talking Spider. She had slipped soundlessly through the labarynthine passages of the castle, taking shortcuts and detours, and staying alert, which was hard, because she had been awake since so early this morning......despite her impending doom, Cho yawned. The spider blocking the kitchen doors gave her an eight-eyed scowl. "What's a skinny little broad like you doing out at nearly eleven, when you're s'posed to be sleepin'?" "I'm, uh, delivering this. To the house- elves. In the kitchen. It's urgent, from Professor Lacey." "Yeah? What is it?" "Um, pasteurizing potion. She foresaw that a lot of,uh, kids were gonna get sick from drinking, uh, milk with bacteria in it. Just an extra precaution." "I see. So, why so late?" "Well, she never knows when the Sight will hit her, and so, uh, here I am. She couldn't come herself, 'cause, uh, she was doing something with those divining sticks of hers, to tell how bad the sickness'll be." "Hmmm. I must think over whether to let you pass." "Please, Mr. Spider, it's urgent. Right now, there are house- elves drinking that contaminated milk. I MUST get inside! Please!" The spider looked at her panicked face. After all, no one had told him whose side he was on: this gal seemed innocent enough. "Okay, go on in."
Chevy, meanwhile, had gone back into the cottage directly after the departure of the members of OFS. She sat down on the couch, and closed her eyes. Just for five minutes; she'd had a terribly confusing day. She knew it was all a dream, but still........her head lolled and she nodded off, and a peculiar dream invaded her psyche at once.........
-There was a thick mist on the ground. She was in a beautiful rose garden, all abloom and smelling heavenly. She wore her jeans and a t-shirt, nothing fancy, yet she felt as if she ought to be dressed up in such a lovely place. Chevy sat on the edge of a fountain, the water crystal-clear and studded with ornamental fish of all colors. Someone was coming.......a young man, tall, blonde, with blue eyes that showed too much wisdom for the age he appeared to be. He sat next to her, an angel, so handsome, and they kissed-
Chevy awoke with a terrible start. She looked at the clock; it was fifteen minutes later, but it felt like an eternity had passed since she first fell asleep. The dream had not cleared from her head but hung on, and made her feel quite odd- as if she was lacking something. She was also terribly thirsty. Chevy pulled on her hood and left the cottage, in search of something to eat and drink. The water in the tap didn't taste right, and the fridge was devoid of anything edible. So she battled the rain and set off towards the huge castle, where every girl, and some of the boys, were having the exact same dream.
"Where is the well?" "'Tis not here, miss. I'm not sure where our water comes from exactly, with my humblest apologies. Have a cookie?" "No, thanks. I want you to make sure this entire keg of, ah, pasteurizing potion gets into the pumpkin juice, seeing as that's what everyone drinks." "Why, miss?" "How dare you question me!" Cho kicked at the pathetic little creature, sending him flying."Someone, get this into the pumpkin juice. NOW!" A dozen house elves rushed forward, and one grabbed the jar and set off at a run for the giant vat of orange, frothy liquid that sat like a squatting giant on the east wall of the enormous kitchen. Suddenly, without warning, something flew past Cho's ear and collided with the little elf, whose feet came out from under him and he fell, lifeless, on the floor. The skin of potion flew and landed fifteen feet away from Cho, who dove for it, tripped over the now-dead elf, and hit the floor, where she scrambled wildly before she realized that someone was standing on her cloak. "Not so fast, you pitiful rat." A girl, hardly older than Cho with bright red, short-cropped hair wearing what looked like black military fatigues was pointing a bizarre weapon in her face. "What exactly do you think you're doing?" Cho sputtered, "Pasteurize.......juice......" "Yeah. Sure. I know what's going on; don't bother lying to me. You're one of Koname's minions, aren't you?" Cho turned a nasty shade of green, and Flame realized something that she hadn't before: the girl's eyes. They were rather dialated, and the iris was an unnatural shade of bright, electric blue. A bad sign, like the primal fear that flickered across Cho's face, an expression of pure instinctive terror that screamed, "Spare me! Help!" Flame let go of her cloak. "Get up. Now." Cho shakily stood. "Look at me." She glanced up, not meeting Flame's eyes. "You......there's something not right. You're not right. Look at me. In the eyes." Cho again glanced up, and returned her gaze to the floor. "Look at me, or I'll blow your everloving brains out." "You........you don't want that......." "Yeah, I do. Now." "Fine. You asked for it." Cho suddenly looked up, into Flame's lime-colored contacts. Flame stared back, for there were images there, in that frightening pale blue and liquid black.......the two were locked in each other's eyes, Cho unable to move, Flame not wanting to. For she saw a picture, a dream, there in those dead blue eyes, and a sweeter scene she had never witnessed.......
Flame was in some snowy woods, silent, eerie. Her red hair was long, as it had once been, and she wore a colorless, plain shift and fur boots. In the dream, she walked forward, through the trees into a small clearing. In the centre of the clearing stood Legolas, and at his feet was a single red rose. From the edge of the trees, she watched him bend over and pluck the rose from the snow, like a dancer in a silent ballet. She floated up to him, her feet seeming to float inches above the ground, and he gave her the rose, and she pressed it to his lips........a thorn on the stem drew a shining drop of blood.....the same color as the rose......Flame wanted to cry and shout and explode and laugh all at the same time......the ruby drop of blood fell, slowly, silently, onto her hand and then-
"Why the hell'd she send us up here alone? This is insane, it is. Hunh, Ron?" "Shut up, Belwyn. We're almost there. Besides, can't you see in the dark?" "Yeah, but still. Ouch! You clumsy fool-" "You be quiet. You're not a bit of help, you know. I doubt you even remember what you're supposed to do when we get there." "Of course; it's easy. I'm to stall Koname and break her crystal ball, which will get rid of the dream-spell, and then while she attacks you two I'm to grab the guy and run. Say, Ron, how do you plan to attack her if you haven't got a wand?" "Well, I wasn't going to attack her, just.....defend if she attacks us. I took Harry's wand when he wasn't looking." "Oh."
"Hey! What are you-" Obi-Wan stopped short. Flame was looking at Cho, no, Cho was hypnotizing Flame. "Hey!" He waved his hand at Cho, and she flew across the room yet again. She slumped softly to the floor. "Unh." Flame, on the other hand, was breathing heavily, nearly hyperventilating. "Flame! Flame, wake up. Look at me." Flame's eyes were dialated as Cho's had been, but she wasn't fully brainwashed. "Oh God. Oh God. Thank God, Kenobi, I almost........she almost got me. Something's happened to her, someone got her and she was gonna get me....that drop of red blood, so red, I wanted to lick it off, it was terrible, I couldn't control-" "Shh, now. You're strong. Very strong. Someone without the Force in them would have succumbed to her powers; she's been instilled with some powerful shit. Careful, now, lean on me. Don't try to walk. She's out like a light, and won't wake up anytime soon. Come on." He offered his shoulder for her to lean on, but she gently shoved him away and walked haltingly, unsurely, to the double doors of the galley. "Come on. They're in the West Tower. Make sure that......oh,no, no, no...." A house-elf was busily dumping the contents of the vessel which Cho had been carrying into the vat of orange-colored juice. "Lady told me to," he mumbled to himself, "told me to, told me to...."
When Legolas awoke, he was lying down. On a sinking featherbed he was, and next to him was Koname. The Lady Koname's dark hair was fanned out on the pillow, and her skin was ghastly pale in the moonlight streaming from the open window. She looked sick, or if she had been doing an immense amount of tiring work. For now that the dream-spell had begun to take effect on hundreds of girls, it was slowly draining her- her breathing was labored, her full lips slightly blue. Legolas, pushing aside the thought of having a strange woman asleep next to him, leaned over and brushed a wisp of hair from her face. She stirred, and awoke. "Hello, my dear. You're awake." Her usually cold, silky voice was weak and strained. She turned over and gagged once, and then said, "Oh, my, I didn't know this would happen.....it must be the dreams....." Legolas' compassion overrode the last shred of mind- boggling dislike for the woman, and placed a hand on her back to steady her while she sat up. "Thank y-you." She hobbled wearily over to the desk, when- "Stop right there!" A bolt of something hit her directly in the back of her neck, and she went down. "Hah. Now I don't even have to talk to her." In came Belwyn and Ron and Hermione, who bore a wand and a smug look of contempt. She aimed a smirk at the blonde prince. "I'd put some clothes on before you got all the way out of that bed." Legolas blushed a deep red, as Belwyn remarked, "Ugh. I'm not carrying the naked guy anywhere." "Who said you had to carry him?" "Well, my instructions were to 'grab the guy and run'. I thought you meant it literally." "Oh, come on. You don't even have to do any work, now that I've hit her with that Electricus Shockucus." "Oh, shut up. That didn't even sound Latin." Their bickering was interrupted by Ron, who was having his windpipe crushed by the hands of the fallen sorceress. "Do be quiet, Ron, can't you see we're trying to have an argument?" They continued the stream of insults.
Another day, another dollar..I'm ready to quit this thing once and for all. Next chap's the last. Anyone see MST3k this week? "The Screaming Skull"? That was the worst movie they had in a while...yet another reason why the fifties were really, really weird.