DIABLO 2: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

By Jack Bullions

EXT. ROGUE ENCAMPMENT

Several RABID DIABLO LEETS log on to BattleNet and enter a 
game. They begin PHALLIC MUSCLE comparisons.

 RABID DIABLO LEET-PLAYER #1
 Look at my inventory! I have Frostburn 
 Imbued Ruby Times Seven.

 RABID DIABLO LEET-PLAYER #2
 So what? I am Level 83 in six days of 
 uninterrupted playing time!

 RABID DIABLO LEET-PLAYER #3
 That's nothing! I have a new weapon, 
 Ripper of New Holes I bought with the 
 power of the American Express! Don't 
 buy a multi-player on-line game without 
 it!

Rabid Diablo Leet-Players #1 and #2 consult E-BAY for more 
MACHO-ITEMS. FEMININE NEW ACCOUNT suddenly enters screen 
and interacts with game NPC.

 FEMININE NEW ACCOUNT
 I will accept your quest. The evil of 
 this land must be purged.

 RABID DIABLO LEET-PLAYER #1
 Are you a potentially-cyberable female?

 FEMININE NEW ACCOUNT
 Actually I'm a guy trying to play a 
 sorceror but since there's only a 
 female...

 RABID DIABLO LEET-PLAYER #2
 A fucking NOOB!! KILL HIM!

FEMININE NEW ACCOUNT is torn to a HUNDRED PIECES with MAGIC 
that was obviously not designed with blowing up everything 
on the screen in mind.

 DIABLO
 Does anyone here even remember the plot 
 to this game?

 MEPHISTO
 I think we can keep gamers distracted 
 enough as long as we dump endless 
 amount of random encounters for them to 
 kill.

 BHAAL
 Ingenious. Our diabolical plan will go 
 unhindered. How about a game of cards 
 then until our time arises?

 DIABLO
 Diabolical... Ha-Ha!

The EVIL BROTHERS gather around a table and play cards 
while Rabid Diablo Leet-Players SLICE and DICE and BLOW UP 
everything they see on the screen.

 RABID DIABLO LEET-PLAYER #1
 We have killed over a million moving 
 objects on the screen and there is 
 nothing else to do. Wait, I remember a 
 plot.

 DIABLO
 Uh-oh.

DIABLO and BROTHERS are torn to a HUNDRED PIECES.

 RABID DIABLO LEET-PLAYER #2
 What the FUCK? You drop a Silks of the 
 Victor? I wanted a FUCKING RING!

FRAGMENTS of DIABLO and BROTHERS are torn to a THOUSAND 
PIECES. This whole SCENARIO repeats itself over and over in 
an ENDLESS LOOP until RABID DIABLO LEETS learn to make 
contact with society and develop real-life human interaction 
skills, or DIABLO III comes out.

 GAME OVER.