FINAL FANTASY MYSTIC QUEST: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

by Jack Bullions

INT. SQUARE STUDIOS - JAPAN

SQUARE BUSINESS CONSULTANT talks with PRODUCER HIRONOBU 
SAKAGUCHI about the next Final Fantasy project. He indicates 
a CHART. 

 SQUARE BUSINESS CONSULTANT
 As you can see, our games are selling 
 more poorly in the U.S. than here in 
 Japan.

 PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
 No surprise. Our video games are too 
 "complex" and too "difficult" for their 
 minute brains. Crazy Americans and 
 their AD&D ways. They just don't 
 understand true fantasy.

 SQUARE BUSINESS CONSULTANT 
 Whatever the case, the American market 
 is essential for our future horrible 
 games and a movie disaster. What can we 
 do to assure us of our money?

 PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
 I have a mindless idea. Let us create a 
 ridiculously simplistic, and lobotomized 
 RPG made for monkeys! If we can insult 
 them deep enough, they are bound to take 
 revenge and buy more of our games.

Producer Sakaguchi CACKLES while the Consultant pitches the 
charts out the window and QUITS.

EXT. FOCUS TOWER GAME TILE

DARK KING appears, sporting a CROWN, BRITISH ROYAL ROBES, and 
SIX ARMS carrying a bow, sword, axe and other FANTASY WEAPONS. 
Yes, he looks FUCKING RIDICULOUS. He shifts over one square 
and onto the Focus Tower.

 DARK KING
 MWA-HA-HA-HA! The crystals are mine! 
 Now I have become evil beyond evil!

EXT. MOUNTAIN GAME TILE

More FLAT-LOOKING CHARACTERS appear. One of them is labeled 
BENJAMIN, the game hero, and the other, a WISE OLD MAN. WISE 
OLD MAN takes his magic wand, err... a CRAYON and explains 
PLOT.

 WISE OLD MAN
 Defeat Points A, B, C, and D and you 
 will be able to ascend the Focus Tower. 
 Only then can you stop the Dark King.

 VIDEO GAME PLAYER
 What the hell is this?

The screen suddenly SHAKES and RUMBLES. Hill tiles sink to 
the ground.

 BENJAMIN
 Was that an earthquake?

 WISE OLD MAN
 Don't worry about that. It's the Super 
 Nintendo system trying desperately to 
 spit out the game cartridge. Be brave.

OLD MAN floats away while BENJAMIN acts ridiculous.

EXT. RANDOM TILES ON THE WORLD MAP

BENJAMIN connects the dots on the map.

 MARIO
 (stares at the world map)
 Now that's-a copy of my game-a, eh?

INT. DOOM CASTLE OF DOOM TILE

BENJAMIN meets the DARK KING.

A LARGE SWORD appears and Benjamin waves it in front of the 
Dark King. NUMBERS magically appear over his head. 

 DARK KING
 MWA-HA-HA-HA!

 BENJAMIN
 You are truly a worthy opponent of my 
 first-grade kiddie level heroics. I 
 could just sit here and hit my A-Button 
 three times and kill you but that is too 
 "complex" for the gamers.

Benjamin pulls up his menu and casts CURE. Dark King DIES. 

 BENJAMIN
 Woohoo! I won! Take that evil!

 BUNCH OF CARTOON SPRITES
 Yeah! We're all happy!

Some SILLY WAV FILE plays reminding the gamers this is all 
somehow part of Final Fantasy.

 GAME OVER.