FINAL FANTASY VII: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

by Jack Bullions

INT. SQUARE STUDIO - JAPAN

PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI and DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE are 
collaborating on their first ever Playstation Final Fantasy 
Game, "THE SEVEN WEEK LONG PLOT", and begin talking.

 PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
 Quite clearly this new Sony Playstation 
 will triple our profits. Forget 
 Nintendo. Let's kick their collective 
 balls by making NOTHING for them, and 
 then jump ship. Har-Har.

 DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE
 I'm with you, Hiro my man. Normally, our 
 ravenous fans from Japan will tear us all 
 a new one for leaving Nintendo but since 
 they are willing to buy anything with a 
 Squaresoft label on it, and the stupid, 
 lazy Americans will buy whatever that 
 explodes, we're safe!

 PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
 I see that. So what should we make? I'm 
 out of ideas.

 DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE
 Hmmm.
 (turns to his 100 development 
 teams)
 Each of you must come up with a plot and 
 we'll link them together with some 
 ridiculous quasi-religious theme.

 PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
 Ingenious! We could even stretch this 
 monstrosity to 3 CDs!

 DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE
 What? THREE CD SET! The customers will 
 have to fork over even more money! 
 Unprecedented!

They LAUGH and CACKLE together.

INT. CGI TRAIN

 TOKEN BLACK GUY
 (bunch of poorly constructed 
 ebonics no one understands)

 CHARACTER WEDGE
 I see. The complexity of these many 
 subplots demands a hero with some 
 coherent english and an obscene name to 
 signify personality. Where is our 
 mercenary that reluctantly joined our 
 cause? We must stop this generator.

Character Wedge introduces PLOT. CLOUD STRIFE reluctantly 
enters the game.

 CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
 (reluctant and brooding)
 Here I am. This corrupt Corporation is 
 draining our planet's vital lifesource 
 but... I really don't care.

 PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
 Greedy corporation? Who the fuck wrote 
 that in?

 CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
 That would be corrupt, not greedy. By 
 the way, I want my money. 

 TOKEN BLACK GUY
 Shut up, foo, 'fore I bust a cap up yo 
 cyberpunk-ass!

 CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
 (reluctant and brooding)
 I guess that means you and I won't be 
 getting along.

Cloud and Party create MORE PLOT.

 DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE
 You like that!!?? We understand blacks, 
 just like you Americans. Power to the 
 people!

 VIDEO GAME PLAYER
 Whatever.

EXT. MIDGAR

Token Black Guy spouts more utter NONSENSE. They blow up the 
Mako Generator, and apparently a couple of HUNDRED innocent 
people as well caught in the blast radius. Cloud and Party 
THREE-STOOGE their way back into the city and he meets AERIS 
GAINSBOROUGH.

 AERIS GAINSBOROUGH
 (looking innocent)

 CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
 Hmm... normally my emotionless and one-
 dimensional personality would shield me 
 from your innocence, but it appears you 
 are the only character here in this damn 
 game that deserves my sympathy. 
 (reluctant and brooding)
 You will most likely die then. 

Aeris stares innocently as Cloud heads for the slums. Aeris 
creates another SUBPLOT.

INT. SEVENTH HEAVEN - SLUMS

TIFA is waiting in the bar.

 TIFA LOCKHART'S BREASTS
 Hi. Needless to say this plot will keep 
 you locked in your room for weeks to 
 come. Stare at my obscenely large 
 breasts and round hips to take your mind 
 off it.

 VIDEO GAME PLAYER
 Yes, they are very big, but I think I 
 would rather bang the innocent, tight 
 virginal, wide-eyed doe that is Aerith.

 TIFA LOCKHART'S BREASTS
 Who?

 VIDEO GAME PLAYER
 Aeris in English. Speaking of, maybe you 
 should get off your Anti-American rocker 
 and hire someone who can speak English to 
 translate this shit.

 TIFA LOCKHART'S BREASTS
 Cloud, do you love Aeris more than my 
 breasts?

 CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
 (reluctant and brooding)
 I can't make up my mind at the moment. 
 We have a world to save right?

Tifa pouts. She creates another SUBPLOT.

 TOKEN BLACK GUY
 I still don't like you, bitch-ass.

INT. EVIL CORPORATION

President SHINRA, RUFUS-SON, SEPHIROTH, a bunch of Yakuza 
called TURKS, General HEIDEGGER, SCARLET, HOJO, PALMER, 
REEVE, and fuck even CHOCOBOS and MOOGLES show up to detail 
out conspiracy to draw more Mako energy from the planet.

 EVERYBODY EVIL
 We need to do everything that is possibly 
 evil to make more money regardless of how 
 it affects our planet. Let us steal 
 candy from babies and whip donuts at old 
 people.

 SEPHIROTH
 Doing so will cause dire consequences. 
 Change your ways.

 EVERYBODY EVIL
 Money is all that matters.

 PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
 Who the fuck wrote that in?

CAMERA pushes CLOSER to Sephiroth in one of many ridiculous, 
self-mockery poses. 

 EVERYBODY EVIL
 What are you doing?

 SEPHIROTH
 I'm introducing another subplot. The 
 steroids or whatever bullshit you decided 
 to jack me up with as a child shrunk my 
 nutsack. You know what that means.

Sephiroth KILLS just about everybody with less than a line 
of dialogue.

 SEPHIROTH
 Now I will summon a giant meteor to hit 
 the planet, and absorb all the Mako 
 energy to regrow my balls and become a 
 God. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

 KEFKA
 What the hell was that? At least I had 
 insanity as an excuse. Are you willing 
 to turn your character into a mistake 
 like me?

 SEPHIROTH
 Damn, let's see. I miss my mommy then. 
 Since she is part of this planet, I will 
 try to become one with her. Yes that 
 sounds less crazy than my original 
 destroy-the-world theme... but first, I 
 will go make myself more threatening.

Sephiroth creates MORE PLOT.

 CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
 (reluctant and brooding)
 Jesus Christ, how far off do we have to 
 veer from the story?

DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE spins the WHEEL-O-PLOTS and it 
lands on VINCENT VALENTINE.

 VINCENT VALENTINE
 Expendable NPC here. I slept with 
 Sephiroth's mother but that is a whole 
 other useless plot with no relevance to 
 the game.

The wheel SPINS again and lands on RED XIII.

 RED XIII
 And that's your justification for being 
 here?

 VINCENT VALENTINE
 Hey, my limit breaks are cool, and in 
 addition it gives many ravenous fans the 
 opportunity to spawn mindless porn novels 
 with my ability to increase... size.

The wheel SPINS again and lands on CID HIGHWIND.

 CID HIGHWIND
 I am white, therefore, I am a lazy, 
 smoking, bomb-toting, sewer mouth you 
 fuck penis shit cunt testicle.

 TOKEN BLACK GUY
 Can't get any worse than me, son.

The wheel SPINS again and lands on YUFFIE and CAIT SITH.

 CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
 Fuck no. Get lost the two of you.

The wheel SPINS again and lands on AERIS GAINSBOROUGH and 
TIFA.

 CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
 Oh, yeah. The romance.

 TIFA LOCKHART'S BREASTS
 So? Let's stop saving the world for one 
 damn moment and pick who you want to get 
 laid with.

 AERIS GAINSBOROUGH
 (looking innocent)

 CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
 I'd rather talk about my problems.

 TIFA LOCKHART'S BREASTS
 Nooooooooo!!!

She SPINS the wheel and suddenly Video Game Player is thrust 
with hundreds of random SUBPLOTS like Cetra, meteorites, 
Chocobo Races, Knights of the Round Table, traitors, 
Ancients, Genetic Experiments, and MORE EVIL SHINRA PLOTS.

 VIDEO GAME PLAYER
 Enough of this shit! Let's kick some 
 ass. 

 SEPHIROTH
 Indeed you shall. Now come chase me 
 while I burn and destroy everything so 
 Hironobu Sakaguchi can wet himself coming 
 up with these FMV sequences.

 CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
 (reluctant and brooding)
 Pretty nice, but I'm having an identity 
 crisis here and no time to really kill 
 you. 

 SEPHIROTH
 ....

 CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
 (reluctant and brooding)
 Here is some more plot. I failed to be 
 this great super Soldier even though I 
 can kick some serious ass with my Limit 
 Breaks and there are only two of you in 
 this program.

 SEPHIROTH
 What? The entire climax of this horrific 
 game is focused around one insignificant 
 failure from your past?

 CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
 (reluctant and brooding)
 Makes about as much sense as having us do 
 all of these meaningless subplots to 
 advance the game.

 SEPHIROTH
 Okay, but you still need to chase me 
 around because I am going to unleash my 
 unholy wrath on everyone.

 CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
 (reluctant and brooding)
 I'm still depressed. You'll have to do 
 better than that.

Sephiroth pulls Aeris innocently from the group and KILLS her 
in a drawn out tear-jerking innocent moment.

 CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
 (to Sephiroth)
 Well, thanks a lot. You just gave them 
 the opportunity to create one absurdly 
 contrived ending.

 TOKEN BLACK GUY
 Foo! You be goin', sucka!

Cloud and Party CHASE Sephiroth around for CD TWO and THREE.

INT. GIANT PIT

 CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
 After going through many plots I have 
 finally found you.

 SEPHIROTH
 Well done. Prepare to meet your doom.

Sephiroth ABSORBS much energy and many lifestreams. He 
becomes SUPER ANGELIC SEPHIROTH.

Cloud takes the whole Final Fantasy PLOT and squashes 
Sephiroth. Sephiroth DIES. Cloud and Party WINS!

 TOKEN BLACK GUY
 Yo, man...

 JACK BULLIONS
 This is an actual line from the game.

 TOKEN BLACK GUY
 I been here since the beginnin', an' I 
 still don't know what the hell's goin' 
 on.

 VIDEO GAME PLAYER
 Damn, straight. What about the meteor 
 plot?

 PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
 Big dramatic finish!

 CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
 Oh no you don't. Everyone, into the 
 ship!!!

Cloud and PARTY pilots the BIG SHIP into the meteor. Cloud 
and the MANY PLOTS all BLOW UP.

 GAME OVER.