FINAL FANTASY VIII: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

by Jack Bullions

EXT. GAME MAP

SEIFER ALMASY and SQUALL LEONHART meet in a field.

 SEIFER ALMASY
 Let's duel, you emotionally bankrupt 
 bitch, because I am this one-dimensional 
 asshole.

 SQUALL LEONHART
 (emotionless and then melodramatic)
 Your attempts to develop this vague 
 conflict between us are hopeless against 
 my superior Shinra Soldier training. I 
 defeated Sephiroth back in Final Fantasy 
 7.

 SEIFER ALMASY
 No you didn't.

 SQUALL LEONHART
 (emotionless and then melodramatic)
 I DID, TOO! I am Cloud Strife, mercenary 
 for hire! Renzokuken Elemental Ultraman 
 Tailspin Attack!

Squall walks up to Seifer and hits the R1 button several 
times.

 SEIFER ALMASY
 Impressive. I will counter with 
 superior magic.
 (puts blade on shoulder and points)
 It appears I can not read. How am I 
 supposed to learn magic now?

 SQUALL LEONHART
 (emotionless and then melodramatic)
 Hmm... good question. Because I lack 
 emotion, and am self-centered, I too can 
 not fully comprehend the art of reading 
 or writing... therefore, let us junction 
 magic to our bodies.

 SEIFER ALMASY
 How do we do that?

 SQUALL LEONHART
 (emotionless and the melodramatic)
 Beats me. We can only assume we could, 
 just like we can assume any part of this 
 game makes any sense.

Squall passes a NEEDLE and they junction magic, we assume. 
They junction back and forth while developing matching SCARS 
in the process. Eventually, Squall ODs and becomes deeply 
INTROVERTED.

 SEIFER ALMASY
 Just to show you what a bigger asshole 
 I really am, I will now draw on your 
 unconscious face while you lie there, 
 and then drive back to school. 
 (pause)
 Drive? What the fuck happened to our 
 fantasy game?

Seifer flips through a couple of DOZEN MENUS to find his KEY.

INT. BALAMB GARDEN

Squall wakes up emotionlessly and then melodramatically and 
he now meets his merry band of one-dimensional FRIENDS.

 QUISTIS TRIPE
 Hi. I am a stern but passionate teacher 
 and for camp reasons I'm also a teenager. 
 Doesn't that make me sexy? Sure does.

Other VARIOUS MISCELLANEOUS TEENS with various LIMIT BREAKS 
appear that Hironobu Sakaguchi really, really wanted but 
could provide no justification for.

 RINOA HEARTILLY
 (looks at her limit breaks)
 I shoot my pet, this big-ass mutt, off my 
 wrist. What the hell?

 ZELL DINCHT
 Hey I've seen that before! Wasn't that 
 used by this utterly useless ninja in the 
 last game. What's her face?

Zell CACKLES at the thought.

 SELPHIE TILMITT
 At least she kept her sex. What happened 
 to your monster breasts?

Zell realizes he is a RECYCLED CHARACTER himself.

 ZELL DINCHT
 Oh yeah? Well, spell pig backwards and 
 say funny!

 SELPHIE TILMITT
 G-I... hey! I won't fall for that!

 VIDEO GAME PLAYER
 Wow. My party is composed of bickering 
 teenagers.

 QUISTIS TRIPE
 Teens? That's great how every one of you 
 aren't even old enough to drive. I guess 
 that should count you all out from really 
 melodramatic, and momentous operations.

Suddenly the teens meet INSULTING PLOT.

 INSULTING PLOT
 We have a melodramatic, and momentous 
 operation involving the assassination of 
 a President, so our best bet is to put 
 the fate of the world in the unsteady and 
 inexperienced hands of a bunch of 
 greenhorns like yourselves. Assist Rinoa 
 with the absurdity about to happen next.

 SQUALL LEONHART
 (emotionless and then melodramatic)
 Whatever.

 RINOA HEARTILLY
 How could I possibly ever fall in love 
 with you? Now listen everyone. I have a 
 great plan. We're going to hop on board 
 the train the President is on and we're 
 going to switch tracks, and then we'll 
 paint a tunnel on a mountain like what 
 Bugs Bunny does to Yosemite Sam. That 
 way, we can go inside and then the bad 
 guys won't know where we are!

They FAIL.

 SEIFER ALMASY
 That's it. I'm joining the bad guys. 

SEIFER leaves.

 SQUALL LEONHART
 (emotionless and then melodramatic)
 So much for that plan. Rinoa, I admit I 
 seem to be vaguely attracted to you. You 
 wanna get lucky? I really don't give a 
 damn if you don't.

 RINOA HEARTILLY
 After that complete display of 
 incompetence there? You're lucky if I 
 even sneeze in your direction.

 PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
 No! No! No! This game is about love! 
 You must initiate this contrived romance, 
 which we won't explore, so that it may 
 spawn a whole bunch of nonsense subplots 
 for you to do.

 SQUALL LEONHART
 (emotionless and then melodramatic)
 Whatever, dude. Can we move this game 
 along?

INT. SOME TIME PORTAL CASTLE PLACE

Game Villain SORCERESS EDEA appears, and plots CONSPIRACY 
with Seifer.

 SORCERESS EDEA
 Blah blah blah blah blah Evil. Blah Blah 
 Blah Blah Blah World Domination. Blah 
 Blah and uh, compress time?

 SEIFER ALMASY
 ....

 SORCERESS EDEA
 Don't look at me. I'm evil. I'll do 
 whatever it takes, and dispose of any 
 means necessary to fulfill my ultimate 
 ambition... to absorb the minds of all 
 Sorceresses in time by compressing them 
 all into one timeline! He-He-He-He!

 SEIFER ALMASY
 How the hell do you compress time?

 SORCERESS ADEL
 Sorry. Can't answer you now. I've 
 compressed Adel's mind and I don't 
 remember anything... yet.

EXT. FLASHBACK SEQUENCES

 LAGUNA LOIRE
 Um, what other purpose do I serve 
 besides plot device?
 (pause)
 Hello?

 SQUALL LEONHART
 Pops, please conveniently re-arrange 
 sections of our past for the benefit of 
 my future.

 LAGUNA LOIRE
 I guess...

EXT. GAME MAP

Squall and friends experience MANY CGI BATTLES AND FMVs. 
Sorceress Edea/Adel realizes she isn't getting enough 
attention. She SCREAMS. Squall and friends finally 
realize there is a point to their whole debacle.

 RINOA HEARTILLY
 Her scant appearances and threats to 
 take-over the world are very threatening. 
 How do we stop her?

 QUISTIS TRIPE
 Good question. We can't steal enough 
 magic to junction into our bodies. We 
 need...
 (drum roll)
 ... Guardian Force!

Squall and friends BATTLE many GUARDIAN FORCES to prove 
their worth to them even though they have a conscience and 
realize the fate of the world and their existence lies in a 
balance if they don't help. ???? 

 IMPROVED ESPER
 Well. Guess I'm a Guardian Force now. 
 Just don't junction me in an ass or 
 something.

 SQUALL LEONHART
 (emotionless and then melodramatic)
 I suppose we're ready.

The PARTY assembles on a GIANT FLYING COMPUTER GRAPHIC, but 
first, they play a senseless CARD GAME.

 SQUALL LEONHART
 (emotionless and then melodramatic)
 Hey, speaking of senseless, some of you 
 unrealistic and horribly contrived 
 teens are starting to look familiar. 
 Where have we met?

INSULTING PLOT reaches into its magic hat, and pulls out 
ludicrous PLOT TWIST. Ravenous SQUARESOFT FANATICS confuse 
this with CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.

 SQUALL LEONHART
 (emotionless and then melodramatic)
 What the fuck? We grew up together in 
 some geographically isolated, Dickens-
 esque orphanage and we somehow forgot 
 everything about it? How do you 
 explain that?

 WRITER KAZUSHIGE NOJIMA
 You can't. I just made that shit up 
 after realizing these teenagers have 
 absolutely no relevance to the game.

 SQUALL LEONHART
 (emotionless and then melodramatic)
 You're kidding? I hate you all then. 
 Why am I even leading this group? My 
 life sucks. Perhaps I should go jump 
 ship and plummet to my doom.

 RAVENOUS SQUARESOFT FANATICS
 What the hell? I thought this was 
 supposed to be a game about love?

 RINOA HEARTILLY
 Squall, I have suddenly developed some 
 deep feelings for you.

The ceiling explodes and RINOA is blown skywards until she 
ends up in SPACE.

 ZELL DINCHT
 Save her, man!

 SQUALL LEONHART
 Whatever.

 ZELL DINCHT
 But dude, didn't you just hear what 
 she said? She has feelings, unlike the 
 rest of us bland tag alongs.

 SQUALL LEONHART
 Then I am a completely changed man! Our 
 underdeveloped relationship and vague 
 emotions for each other have really 
 brought the real Squall out of me.

He leaps off into space.

 RAVENOUS SQUARESOFT FANATICS
 Yes! Yes! Love conquers all!

 SQUALL LEONHART
 (catching Rinoa)
 I was so wrong. I'm sorry.

 RINOA HEARTILLY
 Later, Squall. We're in space, and 
 rapidly losing air.

 SQUALL LEONHART
 No problem. We will escape... by 
 jumping on board this fully functional 
 and drifting derelict spacecraft that 
 just so happens to be here...

 RINOA HEARTILLY
 What?

Random INVASIONS and random subplots occur afterwards. 
Squall uses his rookie training, and incredible powers of 
MISPELLING, to kill them all with one swing of his 
JUNCTIONED GUNBLADE. Yes, he is that MAGICAL.

 SQUALL LEONHART
 There. Let us steer heedlessly towards 
 a time portal so that we may kill the 
 game boss.

INT. TIME COMPRESSED CASTLE PLACE

Squall and friends KILL Seifer and prepare to meet 
Sorceress Edea, no Adel, no wait, Ultimacia, no, damn it, 
GAME VILLAIN. They junction many magic to their bodies.

 SQUALL LEONHART
 Feel my Guardian Force!

He begins SUMMONING, and starts pushing his X-Button 
RAPIDLY. One hour later...

 SQUALL LEONHART
 Almost there...

Two hours later...

 SQUALL LEONHART
 Almost...

Well fuck, three hours gone by and after hitting the X-
Button a zillion times the Guardian Force becomes SUPER 
GUARDIAN FORCE. The Game Villain DIES.

 SQUALL LEONHART
 Well, that was fun. 

 ZELL DINCHT
 Hey man, hate to rain on your parade and 
 everything but we had to follow you 
 through this portal thing to help kill 
 the game villain in a different time and 
 now that we're done... how do we get 
 back?

 SQUALL LEONHART
 (snaps finger)
 Here's a little bit of deus ex machina.

 ZELL DINCHT
 Dude!

 SQUALL LEONHART
 I love you Rinoa.

 RINOA HEARTILLY
 Oh right... I love you, too.

SQUALL and RINOA dance majestically while someone busts out 
a CAMCORDER and records VARIOUS MISCELLANEOUS TEENS 
invading Japan and burning down Squaresoft. Both Director 
Kitase and Producer Sakaguchi DIE emotionlessly and then
melodramatically.

 GAME OVER.