FINAL FANTASY IX: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

By Jack Bullions

INT. FANTASY PRIMA VISTA SHIP

A couple of CARTOON CHARACTERS create comic relief. They 
wear FUNNY clothes, look FUNNY, and drink HEAL POTIONS. 
This is FANTASY.

 RANDOM CARTOON THIEF #1
 We have new orders from Regent Tiresome 
 Cameo. We will go to Alexandria and 
 kidnap Princess Garnet, the most 
 bodacious babe on this side of Gaia, 
 while acting goofy and silly in front of 
 an audience.

 RANDOM CARTOON THIEF #2
 That is a completely moronic plan. Who 
 would take part of this?

 ZIDANE TRIBAL
 That would be me, the masculine flirt. 
 You may think I look comical and out of 
 place by not appearing on a motorcycle 
 or using a gun with a big-ass blade 
 sticking out of it, but we are really a 
 Final Fantasy game. Hironobu Sakaguchi 
 pretends to listen to you fans so I hope 
 you can all appreciate this half-ass 
 attempt in returning to our fantasy 
 roots.

Zidane fills his HEAD with testosterone and it becomes 
MASSIVE. Other CARTOONS follow suit and BLOW-UP their own 
heads and hands, too, into wacky proportions.

 RANDOM CARTOON THIEF #2
 Wow, you really are the epitome of 
 masculinity.

 ZIDANE TRIBAL
 I know. Chicks dig the big head. Get 
 it? Har-Har.
 (grabs something below)
 Wait, that's not my...

 RANDOM CARTOON THIEF #1
 Let us proceed quickly to Alexandria 
 before we start losing our fantasy 
 element.

EXT. FANTASY ALEXANDRIA ROOFTOPS

 VIVI ORUNITIA
 Pity me? I'm nine years old.

 ZIDANE TRIBAL
 (stares at the black region with 
 two yellow dots where his face 
 should be)
 Sure. Why don't you come join us in 
 our coming fantasy adventure for no 
 explicable reason?

 VIVI ORUNITIA
 You bet!

INT. FANTASY CONCERT

Zidane and Party run around, bumping into more BADLY DRAWN 
CARTOONS while creating more comic relief and looking 
ridiculous. They soon discover Princess Garnet with a big 
fucking word CLICHÉD stamped on her forehead.

 ZIDANE TRIBAL
 Oh, baby. You make my balls throb.

 PRINCESS GARNET
 You deliver such witty pick-up lines. 
 I think I'll fall head over heels for 
 you. Wait, what the hell is that 
 sticking out of your ass?

 ZIDANE TRIBAL
 (looks down)
 Ah, now I remember. Don't worry about 
 that. You see I have this real nasty 
 rectal inflammation and its hard for me 
 to squeeze out anything wider than this 
 finger. 
 (winks)
 Hey, I bet you like fingering...

 PRINCESS GARNET
 Oh, get real. Now hurry up and help me 
 escape. I can't seem to remember my 
 past but you can bet your socks I'm 
 partially responsible for all of this 
 mindless mayhem.

 VIVI ORUNITIA
 Why is it that every main character from 
 our series has to have some amnesic 
 episode? Isn't it starting to wear 
 thin?

 PRINCESS GARNET
 No, you have to remember that we are 
 attempting to return to our fantasy 
 roots.
 (pause)
 I guess that's a good enough excuse as 
 any to recycle Final Fantasy 6 with a 
 slightly different plot, right?

 ZIDANE TRIBAL
 Hell no. This is ridiculous.

Princess Garnet changes her name to DAGGER, and shows a bit 
of leg. Zidane is hit with GOOD-GUY INSTINCTS.

 ZIDANE TRIBAL
 Wait, we were sent to kidnap you so 
 that your heartless evil country won't 
 invade my country, but I now see 
 through this horribly contrived plan 
 that we would be no less different than 
 your heartless evil people. You may 
 join my party.

INT. FANTASY ALEXANDRIA CASTLE

BADLY DONE VILLAINS appear, plotting global conspiracies, 
worshipping Satan, and acting evil.

 CARTOON VILLAIN KUJA
 I am the game villain.
 (flings back hair)
 Please admire my beautiful hair, and my 
 luscious thighs thanks to the Ass-Master 
 2000.
 (flings back hair)
 Now people, you are all under my evil 
 villain spell so help me destroy these 
 set of kingdoms. In the end, I will 
 finally have in my hands, TRUE POWER! 
 Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 QUEEN BRAHNE
 What the hell kind of plot is that? 
 Who's advising me?

 CARTOON VILLAIN THORN
 Attempting to be funny I am. Squaresoft 
 moronic eggheads they truly are.

STEINER rushes in.

 ALDELBERT STEINER
 My Queen! Princess Garnet has escaped!

 CARTOON VILLAIN THORN
 Save the Princess you must!

CHAOS ensues. Steiner acts goofy, and chases Zidane and 
Party up and down the castle until they decide to head back 
to the BIG SHIP.

 ZIDANE TRIBAL
 Hey, Steiner. Act stupid and goofy so 
 that Queen Brahne can shoot us out of 
 the sky.

 ALDELBERT STEINER
 (scratches head)
 Duh?

The ship is hit with CGI effects and it crashes onto the 
world map.

EXT. FANTASY WORLD MAP

 ZIDANE TRIBAL
 Now that we are away from Queen Brahne 
 and her homosexual cohorts, let's 
 consult the Final Fantasy 6 cheatbook 
 and plot our course of action. This is 
 too easy.

The party LAUGH and GIGGLE. Suddenly, the screen goes STATIC 
and the game FREEZES.

 DEVELOPMENT TEAM
 Sir, we have a problem! This Ice Cavern 
 we have cleverly designed to get in 
 their way is only 4 screens long! All 
 the graphic artists are passed out from 
 jacking off to scat porn all day. What 
 can we do to make the dungeon longer?

 PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
 INCREASE AMOUNT OF RANDOM ENCOUNTERS!!!

The game RESUMES and Zidane and Party are hit with a mind-
boggingly amount of monsters.

 ZIDANE TRIBAL
 We need more characters to help balance 
 out this flow of random battles.

Random CHARACTERS appear.

 QUINA QUEN
 Binks! Brings mee-sa food or you-ssa 
 be puunee-ished!

 ZIDANE TRIBAL
 Ha! You look goofy enough. Come join 
 us!

 VIVI ORUNITIA
 Well great. If another goofy cartoon 
 character just so happens to pass by, 
 we won't have room for him. What are 
 we to do?

 ADELBERT STEINER
 I've had enough of your hoodlum 
 schinanigens, Zidane! I must save the 
 Princess!
 (runs off to another screen)

 ZIDANE TRIBAL
 (confused)
 What the hell, she's right here stupid. 

 PRINCESS GARNET-DAGGER
 Hey look, someone's coming! 

 AMARANT CORAL
 Hello. I'm a wandering adventurer. I 
 don't know what you guys have to do 
 with my quest, but I'll sure as hell 
 join you anyway.

 ZIDANE TRIBAL
 Sure, the more the plenty!

This scene repeats until all characters have been accounted 
for.

INT. FANTASY TOWN OF CLEYRA

 ZIDANE TRIBAL
 We really should have more homosexual 
 elements to REALLY return to our fantasy 
 roots.

 FREYA CRESCENT
 Greetings folks. We need your help in 
 defending this little town, but first, 
 how about a retarded dance scene?

All CHARACTERS and assorted CARTOONS and RATS rush in for a 
RIVERDANCE scene, which looks as ridiculous as the character 
models themselves. This is FANTASY.

 VIDEO GAME PLAYER
 What the hell?

 PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
 BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!! I AM A GENIUS!!!!

 CLEYRA CITIZENS
 Enough of these distractions! Please 
 save us from a possible invasion!

 ZIDANE
 Of course, but only if your female rats 
 don't reject my horribly contrived 
 sexual advances.
 (winks)

Zidane FAILS. He moves his SMALL FIGURE across the world map 
to the next area. This whole scenario repeats itself in 
different locations until all areas have been defeated.

INT. FANTASY END BOSS STAGE TREE THINGY PLACE

ZIDANE preps for climactic fantasy big-boss fight.

 CARTOON VILLAIN KUJA
 I am truly the embodiment of evil. 
 (flings hair back)
 How can you pitiful wacky-looking 
 cartoons hope to defeat my ambiguously 
 gay prowess?

 ZIDANE TRIBAL
 Perhaps some improvised Western martial 
 arts will solve our dilemma. Let us 
 enter into a trance state.

ZIDANE and PARTY line up and begin channeling their CHI on 
KUJA. 

 CARTOON VILLAIN KUJA
 (flings hair back)
 Oh, you are sooo dead. Meet mini-me.

Kuja creates an entirely other VILLAIN from out of nowhere 
to add CHALLENGE. Zidane uses powerful Trance skills to 
summon an ANVIL that falls out of the sky and kills them
both.

 GAME VILLAINS
 (dies)

 ZIDANE TRIBAL
 What have we learned from all of this? 
 Nothing. Why the hell was this game 
 made? It totally sucked.

 PRINCESS GARNET-DAGGER
 No kidding. Well at least this wasn't a 
 teen-driven melodramatic disaster like 
 that last one.

 PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
 Teens???!!! This gives me another idea 
 for a Final Fantasy game! Get set for 
 part ten, gamers!!

 GAME OVER.