KABUKI WARRIORS: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

by Jack Bullions

INT. BADLY ANIMATED SET IN EDO

 SHIROKO
 (badly dubbed)
 Kabuki is traditional form of Japanese 
 theater. It was founded early in 17th 
 century by Okuni, a shrine maiden who 
 brought unique and lively dance style to 
 dry river beds of ancient capital city 
 of Kyoto, and over the next 300 years 
 this has somehow, developed into X-Box 
 video game. Where are my Kabuki dance-
 partners?

 GENKI/LIGHTWEIGHT COMPANY
 Sorry, never finished them. A few of us 
 decided to go herbal halfway and we sort 
 of forgot about the game until a day 
 before the release. Improvise.

SHIROKO channels his CHI inwards and creates TWO DOUBLES of 
himself.

 SHIROKO
 (badly dubbed)
 And now we will continue Kabuki 
 tradition by journeying to Kyoto and 
 battling many 2-Dimensional Figures for 
 money.
 (pause)
 Does this make any sense?

SHIROKO and HIS DOUBLES move their dots across the map to the 
next town.

INT. BADLY ANIMATED SET IN [INSERT RANDOM JAPANESE WORD 
HERE] TOWN

Japanese STEREOTYPES appear and battle SHIROKO.

 SHIROKO
 (badly dubbed)
 Ah-ha! Your skin made of pasty facial 
 cream prohibits you from moving side to 
 side. Prepare to meet super hand 
 detachment attack. KIAI!

His HAND separates from his body and smacks STEREOTYPE. 
Meanwhile, someone takes a stick and bangs on an empty metal 
garbage can to emulate sound effects.

 JAPANESE STEREOTYPE
 (badly dubbed)
 Impressive display. Allow me to look 
 silly and defeat you with homosexual 
 prowess. KIAI!

JAPANESE STEREOTYPE expands his pants and begins FLUTTERING 
through the air. He tries to kick SHIROKO, but SHIROKO'S 
HEAD detaches from his body and evades the blow. 

SHIROKO then swings his stick and it triggers an EXPLOSIVE 
PACK, we assume, on STEREOTYPE. A GALLON of blood explodes. 
STEREOTYPE does the same. This repeats back and forth until 
the ENERGY BAR drops to nothing, or the screen is covered 
entirely in BLOOD.

 MORTAL KOMBAT FANS
 This is boring. Where are the combo 
 moves? Where's the strategy involved?

SHIROKO and STEREOTYPE stop fighting, strike a pose at the 
audience, and they begin DANCING. This is absolutely 
FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

Eventually one of them drops dead. STRATEGY is then 
attempted by allowing GAMERS to trade Kabuki dancers for more 
ridiculous looking Kabuki dancers.

This whole scene repeats itself in different towns and 
locations until Kyoto has been reached.

INT. MICROSOFT'S HEADQUARTERS

 BILL GATES
 Hmm... Bukkake Warriors. A Japanese 
 fighting game. It has to be great!

 SHIROKO
 You mean Kabuki Warriors, Honorable Rich 
 Man with 5 Dollar Haircut.

 BILL GATES
 (begins stamping Microsoft's Seal 
 of Approval at the assembly line)
 I could care less.

 GAME OVER.