LUNAR: THE SILVER STAR: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

by Jack Bullions

EXT. AMERICANIZED BURG - DAY

A young mute boy, ALEX, visits the memorial of his hero, 
DRAGONMASTER DYNE, with his comedy-relief/pet, NALL. He 
fantasizes about the hero's life when suddenly VICTOR IRELAND 
appears in the form of WHITE DEVIL and steps on everything, 
including the plot. All characters become squashed and flat. 
This effect lasts throughout the game.

 ALL GAMERS
 What the hell?
 (looks at the game)
 Innovative... 32-bit graphics... we... 
 promise. What the fuck?

A squashed-looking and flat RAMUS appears.

 RAMUS
 Hello, best friend. I want a donut. 
 Well, that's the extent of my character.

 NALL
 YEAH RIGHT, FATBOY! I DON'T SEE AN 
 EXTENT OF THAT TUMMY. THAT WAS A JOKE! 
 LAUGH AT ME!!

 RAMUS
 Don't push it, Nall. Anyway, I know you 
 want to be a great hero like Dyne when 
 you grow up, Alex, so I was thinking 
 maybe we should go find your girlfriend, 
 ahem, sister, and then we can go snoop 
 around in some dangerous cave and somehow 
 spawn a generic save-the-world plot from 
 there? Isn't that convenient?

 NALL
 THEN LET'S BOOGEY!! 

LUNA, with "CLICHED" stamped on her forehead, appears in a 
drawn out anime cut sequence.

 LUNA
 Here I am! I was just playing with 
 myself while thinking about you, Alex. 
 I'm so in love with you, but I'm too shy 
 to admit it. How do you like that 
 masturbation reference?

 ALEX
 (shrugs)

 NALL
 WHAT THE HELL?!! WHAT DEMOGRAPHIC ARE WE 
 TARGETING AGAIN?

 NOAH
 Don't you need my permission first, son? 
 I am your father and I love you and your 
 sister, Luna. This becomes extremely 
 disturbing because not once have I told 
 you she is adopted so you have to be 
 under the assumption Luna is your natural 
 sister. 

 NALL
 OKAY, THAT JUST BROUGHT UP SERIOUS ISSUES 
 FOR ME! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU TWO 
 THINKING?

 NOAH
 Anyway, we'll save that bombshell until 
 Ghaleon mindlessly decides to takeover 
 the world and we're sent to the mines for 
 hard labor. Go ahead and adventure, son.

INT. AMERICANIZED CAVE - DAY

ALEX and PARTY enter the cave, after going through a needless 
subquest to remove friggin ICE from a door. They meet a wise 
old dragon named QUARK.

 QUARK
 Ahhh... young Dragonboy. The time has 
 come, hasn't it? You have the green 
 eyes.

 ALEX
 (apprehensive)

 QUARK
 What's the matter with you, boy? Cat got 
 your tongue?

 NALL
 CAT?!! I AM NOT A CAT!!

 VICTOR IRELAND
 Ah-Ha! That was a funny joke! I will now 
 repeat this needlessly throughout the 
 game.

Annoyingly enough, he DOES.

 QUARK
 I also recognize you, Luna! You will be
 quite important. Here's a piece of my
 dragon shit, uh, diamond. Ha! How do 
 you like that for irony? This should 
 help you progress to the next section of 
 this cartoon.

 NALL
 I SERIOUSLY THINK I JUST MIGHT BE THE 
 MOST ANNOYING CHARACTER IN EXISTENCE!

 QUARK
 Quiet, son. Whoops, did I give too much 
 away? Wait a second, how the hell could 
 a scale-covered Godzilla like myself 
 spawn a scrawny fur-covered cat like him?

 NALL
 I AM NOT A DAMN CAT!!

EXT. RANDOM AMERICANIZED LOCATIONS - DAY

 LAIKE/DYNE
 Hello. I will make awkward appearances 
 now and then to help you unravel this 
 extremely simplistic quest. Now figure 
 a way to get off this island.

Laike LEAVES.

 NALL
 ALEX! WE HAVE TO TRAVEL TO THE WORLD
 BEYOND IN ORDER TO SELL THIS DIAMOND!

 ALEX
 (nods)

 LUNA
 What's that, Alex? You want to go 
 because you want to adventure? But what 
 about me? Oh, I see. I love you, too. 
 I'll be waiting then. Good-bye.

 SQUARESOFT GAMERS
 What the hell is this?

 VICTOR IRELAND
 Ha ha! Fuck you Squaresoft! Whereas 
 your shitty games are focused around a 
 hero with an established character, we 
 provide a hero that is free of all 
 emotion and personality so our gamers can 
 insert whoever and whatever they want in
 it, subconsciously.

 REGULAR GAMERS
 That doesn't make it a true or better RPG 
 like you're so desperately trying to 
 prove with that Bugs Bunny story, you 
 twit. All you've done is inject 
 senseless "modern" lines in a boring 
 fantasy game in a futile attempt to draw 
 money from the States. Feel free to take 
 another Japanese game though and destroy 
 it.

EXT. AMERICANIZED MERIBIA - DAY

Nall uses the power of SARCASM to help Alex reach a new city. 
More MODERN cartoon characters appear and more comedy relief 
ensues.

 NALL
 BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, LET'S GET SOME 
 MILK AND DRINK! IT DOES A BODY GOOD! 
 AND SOME M&Ms, AND FUCK COURTNEY LOVE. 
 SHE SUCKS!!! AND WOULD YOU PASS THE 
 GREY-POUPON PLEASE?!

 GAME CRITICS
 Oh wow! American pop-culture references! 
 HILARIOUS!!

 REGULAR GAMERS
 And tell me that doesn't severely ruin 
 the sense of fantasy of the game.

 VICTOR IRELAND
 No! I'm a moron! This game is actually 
 a comedy!

Alex and Party spend the next 2 hours trying to sell a 
fucking DIAMOND.

 RAMUS
 Look at all of that money. We could buy 
 lots of healing potions with that and 
 swords! Look at this one. Let's see. 
 Hey, length does matter!

 GAME CRITICS
 That is sooo clever!! 

 RAMUS
 Yes, this is certainly more in tune with 
 the vulgar American society. Now the 
 players can relate to this game despite 
 the sword-wielding and magic-casting and 
 the funny numbers that seem to go down 
 when we get hit. By the way, I'm 
 leaving. Apparently the writers didn't 
 have a clue what to do with my fat ass 
 besides being the butt of Nall's jokes.

Ramus LEAVES, and ALEX and NALL head for the next town.

INT. AMERICANIZED VANE - DAY

 GHALEON
 I am dressed in black. I have kick-ass 
 magic, and I have long hair. I am 
 probably the game villain.
 (looks at the piece of toilet paper 
 Victor Ireland used to translate 
 the game)
 Yep, I am. Meet your party.

 TEMPEST
 I have long hair, and I am grim. Oh, and 
 I also have a hot girlfriend because all 
 cool heroes have one. If I am not a sorry 
 excuse of a Saturday morning cartoon, I 
 don't know who is. By the way, is there 
 a reason why I have the terms Fairie and 
 Pixie attached to my weapons?

 NASH
 Greetings, peasants! I am an arrogant 
 asshole, and I am here to develop one 
 insignificant plot twist which proves 
 what a bigger asshole I really am. 

 KYLE
 And I am an arrogant and horny asshole. 
 We need some teenage girls here to 
 develop extraneous romance with.

TEENAGE GIRLS appear and join the party.

 MIA
 Hi! I nuke! And I whine!

 JESSICA
 Hi! I heal! That appears to be all we 
 ever contribute to this game.

 KYLE
 Not so, babe. Your pointy-tipped ears 
 turn me on so I shall give you plenty of 
 attention, although I still think all 
 women belong on their knees. Want a 
 rim job?

 JESSICA
 Why is it that every RPG has to have a 
 couple of worthless fucks?

 NALL
 WOW! WE JUST MIGHT BE THE FIRST GAME 
 WHERE THE PLAYER WISHES EVERYONE IN THE 
 PARTY DIES!

 GHALEON
 This game is definitely not Final Fantasy. 
 Alex, please take me to Burg.

EXT. AMERICANIZED BURG - DAY

 GHALEON
 Now I am completely mad and looney! I 
 blame the Goddess Althena and, for some 
 reason, the entire world for the death 
 of my best friend, Dyne. No wait, I will 
 do all of that and I shall harness the 
 power of Althena as well since she's 
 doing such a shitty job at whatever she 
 does, and I'll destroy the world, because 
 that is what all game villains do, right?

Seriously, this actually happens. Ghaleon heads for Quark's 
cave.

 GHALEON
 Starting with you!

 QUARK
 Come again? 

Ghaleon tears Quark a new one and leaves to plot GLOBAL 
CONSPIRACY or some SHIT on various Towers distributed evenly 
throughout the game map.

INT. AMERICANIZED TOWER - DAY

 KYLE
 Spank my monkey...

 NALL
 SCREW THAT!! LET'S END THIS GAME!!

 GHALEON
 Pathetic boy! You have not gathered 
 enough items to defeat my malevolent 
 powers! Come back in one week.

Alex LOSES. GHALEON and his tribe of EVIL CHARACTERS kidnap 
LUNA and they force her with Ghaleon's powers of EVILNESS to 
become GODDESS ALTHENA and destroy VANE.

 NALL
 D'OH!!

 GAME CRITIC
 Oh my God! What a tragedy! We can only 
 assume Ghaleon is a tragic villain 
 because he is a victim of his own noble 
 but misguided retribution. This is so 
 much better than the Final Fantasy games 
 I've been giving 9s and 10s for. Someone 
 pull that stick out of my ass, please.

 JESSICA
 Isn't it odd the lengths Ghaleon will go 
 just for sheer vengeance even though 
 you're still alive. Makes me wonder what 
 your actual relationship with him is, 
 Dyne.

 LAIKE/DYNE
 I'm completely innocent here, but what I 
 find disturbing is how this game actively 
 promotes sexual tension and other sexual 
 innuendos between 15-year olds, and even 
 more disturbing is how ravenous fans seem 
 to elevate this game beyond its 
 simplicity on the mere fact that it uses 
 bathroom humor in spite of its generic 
 story. I suppose in this day of age we 
 consider this normal like how we consider 
 incest and homosexuality humorous!

 KYLE
 A Homer-sexual? You could say that 
 again. I'm so frightened and scared of 
 Ghaleon now. Let's just drink and create 
 comedy relief.

 JESSICA
 Kyle, you will fight, or no poontang.

 KYLE
 Then I'll definitely be fighting but I 
 get to 69 you as well, right?

 JESSICA
 Don't push your luck, buster.

INT. GHALEON'S AMERICANIZED PALACE - DAY

 GHALEON
 Soon the whole world will be mine! Wah-
 hah-hah-hah!

 NALL
 BAD GUY!! LET'S GET HIM!!

ALEX and PARTY kill GHALEON. Then he comes back. They KILL 
him again. Then he comes back. They KILL him again 
fulfilling the last possible cliche of a video game. 

 JESSICA
 Okay, Alex, all you have to do now is go 
 climb that ledge and uh, convince Luna 
 not to kill you.

ALEX proceeds to explain to Luna/Althena, telepathically, why 
this game must end quickly so that a sequel can be developed 
and then be rushed to the States.

 LUNA/ALTHENA
 Oh, I see. I love you, Alex! No, you 
 don't have to say anything. I just know 
 because this is not Final Fantasy and our 
 romance has to be good.

 ALEX
 (nods)

 JESSICA
 And I love you, Kyle, despite no reason 
 whatsoever provided in the game.

 KYLE
 And I love you, too.

 MIA
 And I love you, Nash, for vague reasons.

 NASH
 And you back.

 NALL
 I LOVE YOU ALL! WOW! WHAT A HAPPY 
 ENDING!!! THIS WILL CERTAINLY BE THE 
 GREATEST RPG EVER!!

ALEX carries LUNA out and the CHARACTERS laugh and cheer just 
as the game FREEZES and ENDS.

 REGULAR GAMERS
 What the hell was all that? 
 (tosses CD out the window)

 SQUARESOFT GAMERS
 This game totally sucks. It's nothing 
 like Final Fantasy or anything Squaresoft 
 have produced. I will now write to the 
 Working Designs official website 
 explaining my displeasure laced with 
 profanity.

 GAME OVER.