PARASITE EVE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

By Jack Bullions

INT. SQUARE STUDIO

CRAFTY SQUARE DEVELOPER and FELLOW CONSPIRATOR meets 
SCAPEGOAT AMERICAN DEVELOPER and discuss about a possible 
game together.

 CRAFTY SQUARE DEVELOPER
 (to friend)
 Har. Har. We will teach Americans 
 a lesson not to compete with us in 
 the RPG market.

 FELLOW CONSPIRATOR
 (to friend)
 Agreed. Their American football, 
 beer-guzzling, lazy antics can not 
 hope to match our incredible 
 needlessly convoluted games. Let's 
 make a game with them and show how 
 inferior they are.

 SCAPEGOAT AMERICAN DEVELOPER
 So what are we going to make? 
 Dragons? Warriors? Magic?

 CRAFTY SQUARE DEVELOPER
 None of that. We will make a game 
 all-American. We could even base 
 it in an American city called New 
 York with a tough American cop.

 SCAPEGOAT AMERICAN DEVELOPER
 I'm catching on. We'll have guns! 
 Explosions! Fast cars!

 FELLOW CONSPIRATOR
 Yes and we will use some obscene 
 psuedo-scientific storyline as the 
 backdrop.

 CRAFTY SQUARE DEVELOPER
 And we'll use a woman rather than 
 our male heroes this time because 
 Americans are all about sex.

 SCAPEGOAT AMERICAN DEVELOPER
 Wow! This game looks totally awesome! 
 To think this may finally prove we are a 
 legit game company and not just a cruel 
 Japanese joke!

 CRAFTY SQUARE DEVELOPER
 (evil grin)
 Suuuuuuure.

INT. SOME HUMAN BLOODTSREAM

 MITOCHONDRION #1
 I'm sick of making all this energy 
 for our cells. Such slavery.

 MITOCHONDRION #2
 I'm with you on that. Let's defy 
 common sense biology and steal the 
 bodies and warp them into deadly 
 mutants for our own use.

The Mitochondria CACKLE.

 GEORGE LUCAS
 Mitochondria? Hey, that gives me a 
 great idea for my very own obscene 
 pseudo-sci-fi-fantasy story!

INT. CARNEGIE HALL

AYA BREA, the American NYPD rookie cop is watching MELISSA 
PEARCE aka EVE's play with some COMPUTER GRAPHIC date.

 MELISSA PEARCE
 (waves arm)
 Oh no, it's that time of the month 
 again.

Suddenly, a CUT SEQUENCE, and Eve uses intense powers of 
the Mitochondria to EXPLODE people left and right except 
for Aya Brea.

 AYA BREA
 (waves arm)
 Interesting. How could a simple 
 woman do that? My detective 
 instincts tell me to investigate.

Aya Brea steps to the stage and BATTLES Melissa. Melissa 
LOSES.

 MELISSA PEARCE
 (waves arm)
 I must flee!

She smacks Aya Brea with a CUT SEQUENCE, and runs away in 
some slow-paced manner. Aya Brea wakes up and chases after 
her in some slow-paced manner.

INT. BACK STAGE SOMEWHERE

Huge-ass MUTANT RATS and some PARROT ambush Aya Brea. Aya 
Brea uses her intense concentration of Mitochodria, 
although she doesn't know it yet, with her GUN to BEAT 
them.

 VIDEO GAME PLAYER
 Shit. I have no ammo left for 
 anymore fights.

 AYA BREA
 (waves arm)
 No problem.

Aya pulls open closet drawers instead of treasure chests 
because this is America and picks up many AMMUNITION and 
some BODY ARMOR. This is OBSCENE GAME LOGIC.

Aya Brea runs into Melissa again. Melissa TURNS INTO Eve 
and they BATTLE. Melissa LOSES again and slaps many CUT 
SEQUENCES on Aya Brea to run away.

INT. AMERICAN POLICE STATION

Aya Brea wakes up from the cut sequences.

 AYA BREA
 (waves arm)
 Odd. I seem to recognize this 
 Melissa. We must have a 
 connection. Where are my allies?

Enter TOKEN VETERAN COP and JAPANESE SCIENTIST HERO.

 TOKEN VETERAN COP
 (waves arm)
 I am very serious about my work. 
 See? I'm black, and a veteran cop. 
 I'm so serious, let me introduce 
 you to my son, Sub-plot, who I do 
 not pay much attention to.

 JAPANESE SCIENTIST HERO
 (waves arm)
 I am Asian that means I am a super 
 genius and pacifist and the guy to 
 root for because I am hopelessly in 
 love with you.

They EXPLAIN PLOT to her using many CUT SEQUENCES. 

 AYA BREA
 (waves arm)
 Makes sense to me now. This is 
 certainly a threat to all citizens 
 including the world if Mitochodria 
 are involved. We have to evacuate 
 the city immediately.

 SOME ANONYMOUS NEW YORK MAYOR
 (waves arm)
 Done.

 AYA BREA
 (waves arm)
 What? We evacuated over eight 
 million people just like that? 
 Amazing. Let's kill Eve now.

 SOME OTHER COP
 (waves arm)
 You'll need bigger guns. 

 AYA BREA
 (waves arm)
 Don't worry. I can just pick them 
 all up on the streets. This is 
 American New York City with guns 
 everywhere after all.

After many CUT SEQUENCES --

INT. AMERICAN NAVY CRUISER

 AYA BREA
 (waves arm)
 The ignorance of this game alone is 
 enough to kill you. Time to die, 
 Eve.

 MELISSA PEARCE
 I'll save you the trouble.

Melissa waves her arm and leaps into the water.

 GAME OVER.