PARASITE EVE 2: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

by Jack Bullions

EXT. LOS ANGELES CUT SEQUENCE 

Assorted PIECES OF CGI, pretending to be SWAT, are running 
towards the AKROPOLIS TOWER.

 PIECE OF CGI #1
 It's such a lovely day today. Too bad 
 we're all going to die gruesomely.

 PIECE OF CGI #2
 Jennifer Love Hewitt pretending she has 
 a singing career again?

 PIECE OF CGI #1
 Worse. I think we're going to get our 
 faces eaten by rejected Resident Evil 
 models, and whatever else the Graphic
 Artists decide to throw at us.

 PIECE OF CGI #2
 Of course.

They enter the Tower and DIE gruesomely. HELICOPTERS crash 
onto the street resulting in FIERY CGI EXPLOSIONS which 
ignite nearby CARS and cause more EXPLOSIONS. More BODIES 
and CARS continue to EXPLODE until the CUT SEQUENCE finishes.

 DIRECTOR KENICHI IWAO
 Burn, baby, burn!! Yeah! Yeah!

INT. AKROPOLIS TOWER

AYA BREA, looking mysteriously younger, appears and uses her 
intense concentration of mitochondria elements to defeat 
DISGUSTING PIECES of mitochondria-controlled CGI, or blow 
them up in FIERY CGI EXPLOSIONS if time permits.

 AYA BREA
 What? Don't tell me we're still 
 fiddling around with this heinous 
 quasi-scientific bullshit after three 
 years?

 GRAPHIC ARTISTS
 Hey, Iwao-sama... no one told us that 
 this sequel was going to be set three 
 years after. A 27-year old woman? 
 Unheard of! We can't jack off to our 
 conceptual drawings now. She is so... 
 mature and old!

 DIRECTOR KENICHI IWAO
 Kuso! We certainly can not allow that 
 in our teen-obsessive corporation. I 
 will now tack on one obscene quasi-
 scientific explanation to justify the 
 absurdity about to happen next. We can 
 even call this game a cinematic RPG 
 even though I haven't a God's honest 
 clue why. I mean what in the hell is 
 so cinematic about a hack with no 
 voice-actors, right? 

OBSCENE QUASI-SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION occurs.

 AYA BREA
 Wow! I'm suddenly younger, sexier, and 
 more blonde. If this isn't a great 
 example of our many annoying marketing 
 ploys used to sucker gamers into buying 
 our mediocre sequels, I don't know what 
 is. I hope the gamers don't notice.

 RABID SQUARE FANATICS
 Miniskirt! Tits! Tits! Miniskirt!

 AYA BREA
 Excellent.

A CGI monster creeps up to AYA while she poses seductively. 
RUPERT BRODERICK appears and saves AYA from the monster.

 RUPERT BRODERICK
 Hey, you really should be careful out 
 here. You only have 100 Hit Points, 
 biz-natch.

 AYA BREA
 Thanks, Rupert. Not only have I gone 
 younger physically, but apparently in 
 the three years since the first game 
 I've gone from a reserved, hard-ass cop 
 to a boring, mindless tart.

 RUPERT BRODERICK
 Yeah, okay, just don't expect me to bail 
 you out everytime. What's going to 
 happen if I get hurt?
 (injures arm)
 Well shit, I suppose that's it for me. 
 From now on you can just refer to me as 
 meaningless character. 

 AYA BREA
 Hmm, something tells me you won't be the 
 only meaningless character. So what 
 should I do now?

 RUPERT BRODERICK
 Well let's see, common sense dictates we 
 should call for back-up, but since this 
 game is all about you, we'll send no 
 one.

 AYA BREA
 Aren't you the least bit worried about 
 my well-being?

 RUPERT BRODERICK
 Actually, I'm more worried everyone will 
 confuse this game with Resident Evil. 
 Now go wander by yourself.

EXT. ROOFTOPS

AYA BREA meets NO. 9, the LEVEL BOSS and they go into BATTLE 
MODE. Director Kenichi Iwao, believing he hasn't kicked 
Rabid Square Fanatics' collective balls hard enough with this 
hack, re-arranges the wiring on the PLAYER CONTROLS and 
shifts the CAMERA into neck-craning angles. This lasts 
throughtout the game.

 AYA BREA
 You seem to be quite inept and slow-
 witted in this fight. Quite clearly my 
 mitochondria and rambunctious 
 maneuvering are far superior to yours.

 NO. 9
 Yes, very impressive indeed, but I can 
 not die here. I haven't showed up 
 randomly enough to emulate true horror 
 and suspense. We will meet again.

NO. 9 performs a MATRIX maneuver and leaves in a FIERY CGI 
EXPLOSION.

INT. MITOCHONDRION INVESTIGATION & SUPPRESSION TEAM 
HEADQUARTERS

AYA and RUPERT enter, walking past numerous PRODUCT 
PLACEMENTS and juvenile UNREALISTIC FEDERAL AGENTS. They 
explain their mission results to the M.I.S.T. boss, ERIC 
"HAL" BALDWIN.

 AYA BREA
 (holding a Coke can)
 I met some walking CGI with a mask 
 making vague threats about something or 
 another. Guess those NMCs are back at 
 it again, I don't know, I'm not paying 
 attention to this damn game.

 ERIC "HAL" BALDWIN
 (also holding a Coke can)
 I see. Well, there's only one thing to 
 do... act oblivous... and drink Coke. 
 Look gamers!!! Coke can!! You are 
 thirsty! Very thirsty! BUY COCA-COLA!

 RUPERT BRODERICK
 Hey boss, maybe you oughta do something 
 to help move this plot along?

ERIC looks at RUPERT in bewilderment.

 ERIC "HAL" BALDWIN
 What plot? This game has one?

 RUPERT BRODERICK
 Yeah, we need info files, man.

 ERIC "HAL" BALDWIN
 Oh, right, excuse me...
 (handing Aya the Resident 
 Evil and Fear Effect game 
 CDs)
 ... here are the information files for 
 your next mission. We are currently 
 somewhere between character 
 introductions and killing zombies I 
 think. Check it out.

AYA BREA inserts Resident Evil GAME CD into the office's SONY 
PLAYSTATION. She picks up the CONTROL PAD.

 AYA BREA
 Hmmm, select character. Got it. Okay, 
 according to this, I have to go pay a 
 visit to some locales set in the middle 
 of nowhere. 

 RUPERT BRODERICK
 You're kidding, right?

 AYA BREA
 Nopers. And hey, looks like they're 
 overrun with monsters created from 
 freakish genetic experimentations, too.

 RUPERT BRODERICK
 Jesus Christ, was there any effort put 
 into making this game unique or 
 original? This is absolutely 
 ridiculous.

 ERIC "HAL" BALDWIN
 That's nothing. If Aya wants some gear, 
 she'll have to buy it from us, employee 
 or not. BWA-HA-HA-HA!

EXT. MOJAVE DESERT

AYA puts on her best Lara Croft attire, and arrives in the 
desert.

 AYA BREA
 I am, like, so hot, in every sense of 
 the word.

EXT. DRYFIELD

AYA wanders around town and meets several PARASITE EVE 2 
cartoon characters.

 GARY DOUGLAS
 Yee-haw. Gun-toting American here. I 
 am a game merchant, which means I have 
 no real personality.

 KYLE MADIGAN
 Private Investigator here. I am the 
 game romance. I have no real 
 personality either but I do play a very 
 well unabashed idiot.
 (trying to look young and handsome)
 Say, you wanna climb into the backseat 
 and test out the shocks on this baby?

 AYA BREA
 Whatever. Just fulfill your meaningless 
 roles and either sell me weapons and 
 body armor to fight these zombies... uh, 
 mitochondria-controlled mutants, or help 
 me kill them.

AYA and KYLE wander around town, pumping ONE-HUNDRED ROUNDS 
into FUCKING ZOMBIE RATS for crying out loud, while also 
solving inane puzzles that were rejected from RESIDENT EVIL.

 KYLE MADIGAN
 We need the key locked inside this cash 
 register to help us progress plot.

 AYA BREA
 Well, let's see... in order to open 
 this, we need to solve a math problem, 
 which will require us to retrace our 
 steps and check every nook and cranny 
 for birthdates. What fun!

 RABID SQUARE FANATICS
 To open a cash register? Why don't I 
 just break it instead?

 DIRECTOR KENICHI IWAO
 What? And make this game coherent and 
 short? We must add as many puzzles as 
 we can to extend length of this game. 
 This is Squaresoft thinking!

AYA and KYLE retrace their steps, searching CABINETS and 
DRAWERS by pushing X-Button too many times to discover CLUES.

 RABID SQUARE FANATICS
 How are you expecting this to be any 
 good as the original? This entire game 
 is a brainless amalgam of everything 
 that happened in Resident Evil which in 
 itself was a mindless translation from 
 Biohazard.

 AYA BREA
 Uh, oh. Looks like even the most rabid 
 of Square fans are getting antsy. I 
 think I'll slip into something 
 gratuitous, or better yet, go take a 
 shower. That'll wake them.

Aya shows a whole lot of NECK, SHOULDER, SOME LEG, and 
nothing else. This gives RABID SQUARE FANATICS enough 
excitement to endure the last half of this monstrosity.

EXT. RANDOM LOCATIONS IN DRYFIELD

AYA and KYLE move around the town, gathering more clues, 
consuming more time, and shooting ZOMBIE... uh-MITOCHONDRIA-
CONTROLLED MUTANTS.

 AYA BREA
 I have carefully calculated the point 
 of origin of this intricately copied 
 game. 

 KYLE MADIGAN
 Yes, indeed. Who would have thought 
 there's an underground installation 
 here that caused this unfortunate 
 accident?
 (pause)
 Oh, wait...

Aya and Kyle head out to the desert and walk onto the set of 
JURASSIC PARK.

 KYLE MADIGAN
 Yes, yes, this certainly looks like the 
 place.

 AYA BREA
 Hmm... look at all of these experiments 
 and genetic mutations. They seem 
 familiar.

NO. 9 reappears to explain plot.

 NO. 9
 Indeed they are! Human evolution is so 
 limited and as a result of that 
 incredible enlightenment we took your 
 DNA when you were a little girl and made 
 clones of perfect super-zombie-humans! 
 Like Eve!

 AYA BREA
 That's the dumbest plotline I've ever 
 heard.

 NO. 9
 You obviously have never seen the rest 
 of our games.

 AYA BREA
 True. Oh well, guess I should go kill 
 Eve all over again, unless something 
 distracts us.

MARINES arrive, distracting plot.

INT. WHITE HOUSE

 AMERICAN PRESIDENT
 I am a President, and I live in America, 
 therefore, I must be an American 
 President.

 DIRECTOR KENICHI IWAO
 Ha ha! Take that Capcom! We're using 
 an actual American President we have
 concocted mindlessly. I will now draw 
 attention to American stupidity.

 OFFICIAL LOOKING MAN
 Mr. President, our men have secured the 
 area but our Graphic Artists Division 
 firmly believes its necessary that our 
 predicament can only be resolved by one 
 massive CGI explosion.

 AMERICAN PRESIDENT
 Very well. Use the Super Secret Happy 
 Yamato Death Ray Thingamajig.

EXT. MOHAVE DESERT

THE TOWN, assorted COCA-COLA DISPENSERS, and ALL RATIONALITY 
blow up in a FIERY CGI EXPLOSION.

EXT. JURASSIC PARK SET

 ULTIMA-WHATEVER-EVE
 What the hell am I doing back in this 
 game?

 AYA BREA
 As a reminder that this is Parasite Eve 
 and not a carelessly recycled Resident 
 Evil game. That's a good one, right? 
 Time to die.

Ultima-Whatever-Eve DIES.

 AYA BREA
 I love you, Kyle!

 KYLE MADIGAN
 Huh? Uh, sure.

AYA and KYLE jump on board a COCA-COLA BLIMP and fly away 
into the sunset.


 GAME OVER.