SaGa FRONTIER: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

By Jack Bullions

INT. SCRAPTOWN BAR

A couple of CLICHÉ CHARACTERS walk into the bar. They bump 
around absently with no clear direction where to go.

 VIDEO GAME PLAYER
 Whee! Back to Super Nintendo 
 graphics.

 CLICHÉ CHARACTER LUTE
 I am here to form a band, but I 
 do not know how to proceed. Who 
 will want to come with me?

 CLICHÉ CHARACTER T-260
 Interesting. Allow this mecha to 
 join you after mecha introduced 
 completes its task to discover the 
 meaning of real life.

 CLICHÉ CHARACTER BLUE
 I, too, will join but I first must 
 kill my brother to become the 
 ultimate and bestest magician in 
 the world.

 CLICHÉ CHARACTER RED
 I must become the greatest comic 
 book hero ever!

 CLICHÉ CHARACTER ASELLUS
 I may consider joining you. A 
 rich man ran me over because I am 
 poor and I somehow survived with 
 transfusion of Mystic blood. This 
 made me super-hero!

Characters ROLL ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING.

 SQUALL LEONHART
 Ha-ha-ha! Hey, look at them, 
 everyone! And you thought our 
 names were ridiculous!

A couple of other CLICHÉ CHARACTERS spout some stupid 
dialogue about their slightly interconnected PLOTS. They 
think this is NON-LINEAR but this is a FUCKING TRAIL-MIX of 
NONSENSICAL STORYLINES.

 CLICHÉ CHARACTER RED
 Let us quest!

Characters dart off in different directions and Video Game 
Player is hit with SaGa-headaches to keep up with different 
plots.

 VIDEO GAME PLAYER
 What the fuck? You want me to play 
 through this monstrosity an absurd 
 number of times just to view each 
 plot in its entirety? You call 
 this replay value?

BACK INSIDE THE BAR

 CLICHÉ CHARACTER GEN
 Forget these other characters. I 
 will join you, Cliché Lute, for I 
 am the greatest swordsman. Let's 
 go.

 CLICHÉ CHARACTER LUTE
 I am so happy.

They MOVE around and BUMP into things absently.

 VIDEO GAME PLAYER
 (scratches head)
 So what the hell do I do?

 CLICHÉ CHARACTER LUTE
 I do not know. Let us walk 
 aimlessly.

They walk out of Scraptown and wander and they meet 
SPRIGGAN.

 SPRIGGAN
 I am your end boss. Because you 
 have failed to fight hours of 
 repetitive combat, I will kill 
 you right now.

Spriggan WASTES Lute and Gen.

 VIDEO GAME PLAYER
 Well great. I could've skipped all
 of that and gone straight to you.

Video Game Player restarts over and meets Spriggan again. 
Lute and Gen get WASTED over and over.

 GAME OVER.