STAR OCEAN 2: THE SECOND STORY: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

 By Jack Bullions

INT. STARSHIP ENTERPRISE

A FINAL FANTASY 7 wav file plays while assorted characters 
wander around the bridge doing Trek and sci-fi stuff.

 RANDOM CHARACTER
 Captain, we have discovered alien 
 technology on this planet!

 RONIXIS J. KENNI
 By George, that deserves a closer 
 inspection then. Mr. Worf, join my away 
 team. Son, you should come, too, for 
 some reason.

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 It's about damn time I get to see some 
 action. I hate sitting on this ship and 
 doing nothing. N-yah!

 RONIXIS J. KENNI
 I see. Energize!

The AWAY TEAM descends on the desolate planet and they 
investigate the ALIEN TECHNOLOGY.

 RONIXIS J. KENNI
 Hmm... tricorder readings indicate 
 DANGER. Let us proceed... slowly.

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 This is too damn slow. I deserve better 
 than this rank. I'll show them and prove 
 who the real Captain is.

Crawd walks ahead of the group, towards the alien technology.

 RONIXIS J. KENNI
 Son? What are you doing? Didn't you 
 hear me say be bloody careful?

Crawd fiddles with the ALIEN TECHNOLOGY and zaps himself to 
PLANET EXPEL. Seriously.

EXT. PLANET EXPEL

Crawd wakes up in a forest.

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 Gark! Where am I? Well I've proven to 
 be quite an adept idiot thus far. I 
 wonder what other things I'll do next?

He takes out his COMMUNICATOR and tries to contact home. 
Then suddenly, he sees RENA LANFORD walking through the woods 
by herself, and a LARGE BROWN SPOT following her.

The LARGE BROWN SPOT attacks, but CRAWD pulls out his phaser 
and KILLS it.

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 I win! That was around... fifty points?
 (pause)
 Why the hell did I just say that?

Rena runs away and Crawd chases after her. After awhile, 
they finally quit the happy horseshit and stop running.

 RENA LANFORD
 Thanks for saving me, stranger. You 
 certainly look out of place here.

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 What? Oh yes, I am more pixelated than 
 you and I emote ever slightly more 
 emotion. Check this out.

An EXCLAMATION POINT appears over his head.

 RENA LANFORD
 Wow!

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 My approval rating is going up with you. 
 I hope that means a possible romance 
 then. Here, let me show you something 
 else. This is my phaser.

 RENA LANFORD
 Is that the Sword of Light? You must be 
 the Warrior of Legend!

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 No, it's a goddamn gun, you ditz. Wait a 
 second, something's wrong here.
 (looks around)
 No technology? Oh God! No Sony CD 
 Players, and no Playstations, and no DVD 
 players! ARGH!

 RENA LANFORD
 I'll take you home with me and introduce 
 you to the Mayor.

INT. ARLIA VILLAGE

 MAYOR REGIS
 Welcome, Warrior of Legend. You will 
 have to excuse our backwards society 
 although by the way we talk and act you 
 probably can't tell the difference.

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 Yes, I can see that clearly. Anyway, 
 since I'm here, you might as well 
 describe my mission this game will be 
 ignoring for two-thirds of the way.

 MAYOR REGIS
 Ah yes, we had a strange magical event 
 that happened a few years ago. The God 
 of Evil descended from the stars above in 
 the form of a rock so that he may unleash 
 his unholy wrath upon this world. I 
 believe this is called Final Fantasy 5.

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 That's ridiculous. It must be a 
 meteorite.

 MAYOR REGIS
 Mee-to-what?

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 Nevermind. I'll pull out my handy Final 
 Fantasy 5 cheatbook to dictate my course 
 of action. Rena, come with me so that I 
 can possibly develop some character 
 beyond my idiocy.

EXT. TOWN OF CROSS

CRAWD and his party enter a new town. They begin 
investigating clues behind the game villain meteorite when 
SUBPLOTS suddenly attack.

 RANDOM CARTOON MAGE CHARACTER
 Ah-ha! Ha-Ha-Ha! Soon the map will be 
 mine, and I will become the ruler of Neo-
 Tokyo! 

 CELINE JULES
 Darling, you are so outmatched. I summon 
 the card Crazy Fish with Water Element 
 attack! Yu-Gi-Oh Power!

Random Cartoon Mage Character LOSES and sulks off.

 CELINE JULES
 Now then, you two complete strangers over 
 there, I hope my bland, feminine voice 
 which contrasts horribly with my overdone 
 luscious body doesn't deter you from 
 joining my adventure. Would you like to 
 join my party?

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 Uh, I think not. I have a world-
 threatening conspiracy to deal with.

 CELINE JULES
 What? I don't think I heard you, 
 Darling. Would you like to join my 
 party?

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 I said no.

This repeats for about 3 minutes. A QUESTION MARK appears 
over Crawd's head.

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 (turns to the screen)
 What the fuck is the point of me choosing 
 if you're only going to accept one 
 choice? Is this going to happen often?

YAMAGISHI YOSHINORISHI immediately opens up the Character 
Editor and erases all reasoning from Crawd and drops his IQ 
by 300 points.

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 Let us move straight forward to the 
 answer then! My sword is moist for 
 action!

 RENA LANFORD
 What?

CELINE JULES approval rating increases.

EXT. RANDOM GENERIC DUNGEONS

CRAWD with party journeys into a cave. The collect ITEMS. 
They kill MONSTERS. BOSSES pop up from the ground and they 
are killed. The GAME becomes lengthy by having this repeat 
in various locations until half the game is finished. 
Virtually NOTHING in the plot is discovered.

EXT. GAME MAP

After hours of fun, Crawd looks back and discovers ASSORTED 
CARTOONS have suddenly joined.

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 What the -? I guess you people can tag 
 along. What can you all do for me?

 ASSORTED CARTOONS
 Nothing, but we do have the amazing 
 ability to utter ridiculous dialogue.

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 That's a matter of course. Now all we 
 need is more XP and items.

 ONE OF THE ASSORTED CARTOONS
 Ah ha! Just the types I'm looking for 
 then. You see we need to develop this 
 really big gun in order to stop this 
 invasion of monsters. Join my adventure, 
 please?

 RENA LANFORD
 Um, plot here?

 ONE OF THE ASSORTED CARTOONS
 We'll get there, honey. Rome wasn't 
 built in a day you know.

 RENA LANFORD
 I thought our planet has no Warp-drive 
 technology or whatever Star Trek babble 
 excuse we have for our primitive 
 backwards society? How the hell could 
 you know anything about a city on Earth?

YAMAGISHI YOSHINORISHI immediately opens up the Character 
Editor and erases all reasoning from Rena and drops her IQ by 
300 points.

 VIDEO GAME PLAYERS
 Goddamn, is this game going anywhere?

The planet of EXPEL is DESTROYED and a CITY filled with PLOT 
EXPLANATIONS drops out of the sky, literally. 

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 There! Move straight forward to 
 progress!

INT. CENTRAL CITY

 NARL
 A random party of adventurers! 
 Excellent. You are the only ones capable 
 of defeating this menace.

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 Because I'm the Warrior of Legend?

 NARL
 Huh?

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 You know, the original damn reason that 
 got me here in the first place.

 NARL
 I have absolutely no idea what you're 
 talking about.

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 That's a matter of course. Please 
 describe to me another reason why I even 
 exist then.

 YAMAGISHI YOSHINORISHI
 Ah-ha! Ha-Ha-Ha! Since Xenogears wasn't 
 insulting enough, I, too, will add quasi-
 religious themes to make our game sound 
 more philosophical and complex.

QUASI-RELIGIOUS THEME occurs.

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 God's Ten Wisemen are to blame for this 
 mayhem? 

 NARL
 Yeah, sure. Anyway, your little 
 communicator there has somehow generated 
 a strong enough signal to alert your 
 father at the other end of the galaxy. 
 He will be coming to get you, but to 
 further enhance your character, he will 
 have to die. 

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 But...

 NARL
 No buts! All game heroes must have a 
 reason to defeat the game villain besides 
 moral obligation or common sense. 
 Vengeance is KEY! Speaking of keys, we 
 have an assortment of additional quests 
 which requires keys or something or 
 another to ressurect the planet Expel.

 VIDEO GAME PLAYERS
 What the hell?

 NARL
 Yes, to save that world we will move the 
 planet from the past and insert it into 
 this... wait a second, that made 
 absolutely no sense. Here's a map. 
 Connect the dots from this point to that 
 point and kill boss monster here.

RONIXIS dies. An ANGRY FACE ICON pops over CRAWD's head.

EXT. EVIL DARK VILLAIN BASE OF EVIL

 TEN WISEMEN
 Mwa-Ha-Ha-Ha!

 WHOLE DAMN CARTOON PARTY
 I will turn you into a beehive! Bang 
 Bang Attack! My sword is moist with 
 power!

The Ten Wisemen DIE. SMILEY FACE ICONS pop up on EVERYONE 
indicating joy. Some needless QUASI-RELIGIOUS-STAR-TREK 
BABBLE occurs that returns everything back to normal, in a 
way. The party then sit around a campfire and talk.

 CRAWD C. KENNI
 Now we will carefully calculate approval 
 ratings. Gamers, please restart your 
 game if you want me to sit around with 
 different people.

VIDEO GAME PLAYERS hurl the GAME CD into their own bonfire.

 GAME OVER.