XENOGEARS: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

By Jack Bullions

INT. STARSHIP ELDRIDGE - SPACE

War was beginning.

 EVIL MANIFESTATION OF SCIENCE
 All your base are belong to us.

 ALIEN HUMAN CAPTAIN
 What you say!!

The ship SELF-DESTRUCTS, and scatters parts onto a new 
world.

EXT. NEW WORLD

 EVIL MANIFESTATION OF SCIENCE
 I will now give birth to man whom I 
 will consume for my fuel so I may 
 return home and bring havoc upon those 
 who have done me harm. 
 (creates man)
 Man, do not eat my apples of wisdom.

 MAN
 (eats a wisdom apple)
 I now have wisdom to create technology. 
 God, we are aware of your heinous plot.

 EVIL MANIFESTATION OF SCIENCE
 Fools! Prepare for Judgment Day!

God creates Armageddon and goes to SLEEP under the sea, but 
not before creating another race of MAN.

 DIRECTOR TETSUYA TAKAHASHI
 Look, this game is serious. It is, 
 therefore, good!

 PRODUCER HIROMICHI TANAKA
 Wow, this creates so many questions 
 about the essense of self.
 (pause)
 Gamers, please put down your controls 
 and take notice of all of these 
 thought-provoking questions raised by 
 the video game.

 VIDEO GAME PLAYERS
 This game must be brilliant. I mean, 
 to just consider the notion that 
 religion could be placed in such a 
 spotlight like...

Suddenly, the VIDEO GAME PLAYERS' PROVOKED THOUGHTS are 
interrupted by something INTENSELY SERIOUS.

EXT. NEW WORLD (PRESENT DAY)

 KINGDOM KISLEV
 We are barbaric humans. We have dug up
 wonders from first generation of man to 
 be used as technology for our own 
 selfish gains.

 KINGDOM AVEH
 We, too, are barbaric humans but 
 because we have fewer ruins to 
 excavate, we are losing wars. If only 
 our scientists could invent more 
 destructive weapons for us to abuse.

 KINGDOM SOLARIS
 We will provide assistance then, Aveh, 
 with weapons of mass destruction. 

 PRODUCER HIROMICHI TANAKA
 Isn't it frightening how irresponsible 
 humans can be with technology?

EXT. LAHAN

 FEI FONG WONG
 This is a happy place for me. I am 
 painting and I have two good friends, 
 Timothy and Alice, who will be married. 
 This will cause conflict inside of me 
 for I will be responsible for 
 inexplicable destruction.

 TIMOTHY
 Destruction? That part isn't going to 
 be no honeymoon!

 FEI FONG WONG
 Guh! And you had help with the 
 translation.
 
Fei Fong Wong wanders around outside for subplot. He 
finally meets a character named CITAN.

 CITAN UZUKI
 I will quote powerful prophecies made 
 in the bible code.

Producer Tanaka realizes Citan isn't causing enough
controversy to muddle the already INCOHERENT PLOT.

 CITAN UZUKI
 And I might be gay.

The VIDEO GAME PLAYERS' COLLECTIVE HEADS explode.

Numerous pieces of 32-BIT GRAPHICS suddenly attack the 
town. 

 GAME VILLAINS
 We will prove to you how malicious we 
 villains are in order to mask our one-
 dimensional personalities. Let's kill 
 this character gruesomely and 
 maliciously.

TIMOTHY dies gruesomely and maliciously.

 PRODUCER HIROMICHI TANAKA
 Isn't it frightening how war can bring 
 out the worst in all of us?

Fei Fong Wong undergoes personality change and becomes ID. 
He goes BERSERK and unleashes inner powers of God.

 CITAN UZUKI
 You have experienced the cruel power of 
 God... something man was not meant to 
 wield. We must flee.

 FEI FONG WONG
 You're absolutely right. I hope I never 
 experience that again. I wonder how 
 many other personalities I will have 
 though later on?

Fei Fong Wong makes faces as they escape using long, drawn 
out, expository CUT SCENES. Gamers will come to find this 
ANNOYING as this repeats an ABSURD NUMBER OF TIMES.

EXT. RANDOM BIBLE REFERENCED LOCATIONS

FEI FONG WONG meets ELHAYM VAN HOUTEN and they begin 
extraneous romance by discussing sheep cloning.

 ELHAYM VAN HOUTEN
 Hello. Desire me. I am a piece of 
 God. Forget your troubles.

 FEI FONG WONG
 Amazing coincidence. I, too, feel like 
 I am a piece of God. We should fall in 
 love.

 BRAIN FRAGMENTS
 Wait, this makes absolutely no sense.

 CITAN UZUKI
 Okay, let's overexplain in absurd 
 Freudian logic and obscene pseudo-
 scientific terms how you and Elhaym are 
 part of Jesus and that you have been 
 resurrected over and over since the 
 birth of man until the age of Reckoning 
 where you will destroy God, who is 
 really a computer program. Let us 
 wander and ponder this.

Fei Fong Wong and Citan bounce around the map encountering 
assorted CARDBOARD CHARACTERS and a GIANT PINK FURBALL, while 
the few BRAIN FRAGMENTS still paying attention break open 
the ENCYCLOPEDIA to make some sense of plot.

 BRAIN FRAGMENTS
 Wait a second, you have the whole history 
 of religion wrong. How exactly does your 
 Zohar Engine relate to Kabbahlah's Zohar? 

 CITAN UZUKI
 Foolish gamers, we're not here to provide 
 insight on religious topics. We must 
 prove to humanity that our reliance on 
 anything above the plane of man, which 
 obviously doesn't include Christianity, 
 Judaism, and Islam, is misguiding.

 BRAIN FRAGMENTS
 Okay, then let's look at the game itself. 
 If there's a male-female affinity between 
 Gear and pilot, how could Sophia's Gear 
 be an Omnigear? And how could Rico be 
 the son of Sigmund if he's a mutant? 
 And...

More SERIOUS CONTROVERSIES erupt, shutting up the gamers. 
CONTROVERSIAL questions and things continue to happen until 
the most controversial of all things occurs: A SINGLE 
ELEMENT OF RELIGION THAT ACTUALLY MADE SOME SENSE.

 GAME CRITICS
 (scratches head)
 I don't get it. How am I giving this 
 9s and 10s? This has nothing to do 
 with religion in general. In fact, all 
 of these religious connotations is 
 nothing more than a heartless mask of 
 what is really a drawn out hack, and 
 biting off Star Trek 5 doesn't help 
 either. How is this controversial? Or 
 maybe you decided to fabricate that 
 rumor when half of your marketing heads 
 called it quits after playing this crap?

INT. TOWER OF BABEL

Fei Fong Wong and Party of BIG ROBOTS enter the Tower and 
they play an extremely LONG and TIME-CONSUMING METROID GAME. 
The jumping is FUN.

 DIRECTOR TETSUYA TAKAHASHI
 My God, what have we created? We're 
 almost 80 hours into this monstrosity 
 and nothing has been accomplished!

 PRODUCER HIROMICHI TANAKA
 Create Wave Existence!

Wave Existence APPEARS and proceeds to throw another PLOT on 
top of a PLOT and overexplaining both, consuming more time 
and testing human endurance. This scores points with GAMERS 
because the game is now COMPLEX.

 FEI FONG WONG
 Wave Existence? Why wasn't this 
 mentioned at all in the first 80 or so 
 fucking hours of the game? Grrrr!!!!

Random GAME VILLAINS, who all seem to share one personality 
and the ability to utter bland dialogue, appear.

 GAME VILLAINS
 Mua-ha-ha-ha! Your inability to 
 control your emotions has proven to be 
 your Achille's heel. See? How do you 
 like that reference? Now I will add 
 symbolism to teach you a lesson.

Fei Fong Wong and his party of BIG ROBOTS including GIANT 
PINK FURBALL are CRUCIFIED on crosses. This is UTTERLY 
RIDICULOUS and HILARIOUS.

The PARTY free themselves and they attack GAME VILLAINS. FEI 
FONG WONG undergoes a personality change in the battle and 
becomes ID. GRAHF, who turns out to be Darth Vader, decides 
to become a new identity, LACAN. ELHYAM becomes MIANG. ID 
becomes MIANG. MIANG becomes GRAHF. CITAN becomes FEI FONG 
WONG. The PARTY undergoes change and becomes another GROUP 
of characters.

 PRODUCER HIROMICHI TANAKA
 STOP THIS AT ONCE! We are approaching 
 our deadline for this thing so wrap up 
 whatever you have and end it!

EXT. BIG GRAY BLOB PLACE

 GRAHF
 Let's add to the seriousness of this 
 game. Luke, I am your father.

 FEI FONG WONG
 Ha! Who saw that coming?

Grahf DIES.

 FEI FONG WONG
 Finally... let us wake God from his 
 slumber and destroy him... for great 
 justice.

 EVIL MANIFESTATION OF SCIENCE
 Mua-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha! how can you hope to 
 defeat God?

 FEI FONG WONG
 Gah! You're right. We have learned 
 from this quasi-Manichaeistic game that 
 technology is only a vehicle for evil 
 purposes and God is the creator of evil. 
 

 ELHAYM VAN HOUTEN
 Huh? You're asking us to leave our 
 weapons and fight this thing with peace 
 and love? How are the gamers going to 
 accept that, if any of them are still 
 playing...

 FEI FONG WONG
 Good point. We might as well just ruin 
 the premise of the game and kill this 
 bastard with our biggest guns available. 

The PARTY takes some glue and assemble Gears together.

 FEI FONG WONG
 Have at you! Level Seven, Gundam, six 
 hours.

 EVIL MANIFESTATION OF SCIENCE
 Impressive. 
 (glues on GM SMG machine pistol)
 Take this! Level Nine Gundam, four 
 hours.

 FEI FONG WONG
 Arrgh! I must summon the art of quick 
 glueing to counter your attacks.

This repeats back and forth until God develops CARPAL 
TUNNEL SYNDROME and DIES.

 FEI FONG WONG
 We are victorious! Who needs religion?

 GAME CHARACTERS
 (throwing up peace signs)
 We don't!

FEI FONG WONG descends from the heavens in his BIG ROBOT 
like CHRIST and preaches Save the Whales.

 GAME CRITICS
 What the hell was all that? Not only 
 was the plot absurd, but it mocks 
 religion. Either I'm chicken-shit and 
 value website hits over integrity or 
 the game just plain sucks, now which 
 one do you think is right? Has anyone 
 seen a pair of balls? I don't seem to 
 have any.

The VIDEO GAME PLAYERS toss their Playstations out the 
window and gather up their exploded heads, refusing to 
think about the game to avoid a headache.

 GAME OVER.