OCARINA OF TIME: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

By Jack Bullions

INT. LINK'S ROOM

NAVI appears, runs her head into a wall, and does a bunch of 
other zany antics. This is FUNNY... to five-year olds. The 
antics wake up latest incarnation of LINK.

 BOY LINK
 Hi. I am an orphan from war left in a 
 care of some isolated but powerful race 
 of... children that don't age. Ten 
 seconds in and already this game isn't 
 making sense.

 NAVI
 Hey! No time to explain. Go see the 
 Great Deku Tree!

 BOY LINK
 (stares at flying ball of light)
 What the - ? I thought you only come out 
 of bushes or rocks I pull from the 
 ground?

 NAVI
 Listen! The only reason for my existence 
 is so that I can help you pee straight. 
 How ridiculous is that? Let's go!

Most of the VIDEO GAME PLAYERS, after witnessing this 
horrible travesty done to one of Disney's greatest classics, 
breaks the N64 and leaves.

EXT. NEVER NEVERLAND

A bunch of KOKIRI ADULT-CHILDREN-ELVES prance around with 
their own FLYING BALLS OF LIGHT. Link and Navi meet the 
GREAT DEKU TREE.

 GREAT DEKU TREE
 Link, thou hast arrived. A vile climate 
 pervades this world. Verily, ye have...

 BOY LINK
 I'm ten. I don't understand that.

 GREAT DEKU TREE
 I see then. Well listen, I will die 
 eventually, but first enter this dungeon 
 I have cleverly designed for you and heal 
 me a little bit so I may destroy 
 continuity of this game.

 BOY LINK
 Actually, I think I'm going to go pack my 
 bags and wander as a hero for hire like 
 the previous Links. 

 GREAT DEKU TREE
 Don't make me perform Hamlet on you.

Link runs screaming into the dungeon.

INT. DUNGEON

Link uses 3-DIMENSIONAL POWERS to beat LEVEL by finding 
COMPASS, MAP, and LEVEL ITEM, and LEVEL BOSS. In other 
words, Link experiences LEGEND OF ZELDA and EVERY ZELDA GAME 
TO DATE over again.

 PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
 A-Ha-Ha-Ha! Now that I have a 64-bit 
 platform, I can now confuse and annoy you 
 gamers with spontaneous camera rotations! 
 Take this!

The camera EXPLODES, gyrating wildly about. First-person 
views RE-ORIENT and spin around like an ICE SKATER on CRYSTAL 
METH. This is CHALLENGING.

Eventually, Link leaves Dungeon and meets MIND-BOGGLINGLY 
SLOW explanation of PLOT which we have already deduced from 
previous games and LONG EXPOSITORY INTRO.

EXT. HYRULE CASTLE

 GIRL MALON
 I am a pathetic plot device. Desire me 
 in seven years after your ridiculous 
 quest to wipe out this ignoramus.

 BOY LINK
 Quest?
 (looks around)
 I see.

Link encounters FAT WOMEN with beards, GAY CARPENTERS, and 
other HOMOSEXUAL ELEMENTS of Zelda 64. This is also FUNNY.

 PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
 The world really is a diverse place 
 outside my riches and wealth.

 BOY LINK
 That's stereotyping, you ignorant 
 asshole.

 PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
 Oh snap... 
 (pause)
 Hmm... you are a boy, therefore, you must 
 be playful. Please play my myriad of 
 mini-games to distract you from plot 
 then.

 BOY LINK
 Ooh! Games!

 NAVI
 Hey! Listen! Let's try to get back to 
 the quest here. See Zelda!

Link makes his way to Hyrule Castle while encountering GOOFY 
CHARACTERS on the way. He meets ZELDA.

 YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
 My precocity has provided for me a vision 
 of the future. Ganondorf, the second 
 stranger to betray my imbecilic father in 
 this series, will ruin the land unless we 
 two children do something.

Link peers through the window and sees GANONDORF. He appears 
quite EVIL and GOOFY at the same time with his horribly 
textured body.

 GANONDORF
 I am somehow failing to understand you 
 are a threat to me despite repeated ass-
 kickings from your older self versions.
 (looks evil)

This frightens Link.

 YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
 Now Link, I need you to go recover the 
 three mystical stones together from 
 dangerous dungeons before he does.

 BOY LINK
 ????
 (pause)
 You're pitting me, a boy for the love 
 of Mike, against a madman who can quite 
 clearly kick my ass into next Saturday 
 on a life and death mission? You must 
 be the dumbest character in creation!

 YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
 Impa! Send him on his way!

 SMALL LINK
 I'd like to see your old nurse try.

Suddenly, IMPA appears, in her WWE alter ego, CHYNA.

 VIDEO GAME PLAYER
 How the hell did this happen?

Impa pulls Link by his ear out into Hyrule Field.

 IMPA
 Link, I am a Gerudos, and so is 
 Ganondorf. You see, only one man is born 
 in our Amazonian society every 100 years, 
 and by law, we must raise him to be all 
 powerful. How we breed is a complete 
 mystery.

 PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
 How do you like that pile of horseshit I 
 pulled out my ass? Ha-Ha! Speaking of, 
 here's a horse to play with!

Link leaves and repeats the DUNGEON PROCESS over again with 
Zora's Domain and Death Mountain. Link WINS.

 BOY LINK
 I accomplished my quest within a 
 reasonable amount of playing time. 
 Something doesn't feel right.

 YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
 Uh-oh. Maybe I did screw up.

Link stares blankly at Zelda.

 BOY LINK
 You can't tell from my expressionless 
 face, but I'm staring at you with 
 disgusted contempt right now.

 YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
 But... but... I thought we were meant for 
 each other?

 BOY LINK
 Since when? Our relationship has always 
 been platonic, except for that godawful 
 cartoon years ago that no one in their 
 right mind will acknowledge. Anything 
 more than that is just a mindless 
 construct of a fanboy's wet dream.

Link returns to the TEMPLE OF TIME, summons some magic to 
open a BIG DOOR, and discovers MASTER SWORD.

 GANONDORF
 Mua-Ha-Ha-Ha! You have fallen victim to 
 my ingenious plot! Whatever it was.

Ganondorf sneaks up behind Link and STEALS Triforce. Link 
passes out sans all explanation.

INT. SACRED REALM

Link wakes up seven years later and becomes MAN LINK.

 MAN LINK
 What the hell was all that? Explain this 
 Older Zelda.

 RIDICULOUS DISGUISE
 I do not know whom you are referring to. 
 I am Sheik. Because you are the Chosen 
 One, we had to freeze you so that your 
 body may age older and fight Ganondorf 
 one on one, even though you'd still have 
 the mind of a child.

 MAN LINK
 That's the stupidest thing I've ever 
 heard.

 RIDICULOUS DISGUISE
 Perhaps. Now let me teach you several 
 songs that will allow you to warp around 
 this world so you can gather more stones 
 for me.

Link leaves and repeats DUNGEON PROCESS half dozen more times 
while meeting some more GOOFY CHARACTERS. He returns to 
Hyrule Castle for dramatic climactic battle.

EXT. HYRULE CASTLE

RIDICULOUS DISGUISE reveals herself to be ZELDA even though 
it's pretty damn obvious who it was being she was the only 
BLONDE with more than ONE LINE OF DIALOGUE.

Man Link arrives and beats the holy hell out of Ganondorf 
with INTENSE A BUTTON, B BUTTON, combination attacks... 
twice.

 GANONDORF
 It appears each of you characters have a 
 piece of your own triforce that has 
 provided some power to counteract my own. 
 How all of this eluded me from the getgo 
 shows what a tremendous moron I am.
 (dies)

 OLDER PRINCESS ZELDA
 Now we can seal Ganondorf inside the Evil 
 Realm.

 MAN LINK
 Okay, so I killed Ganondorf in THIS 
 timeline. Assuming any of this time 
 travel bullshit makes sense, what is to 
 prevent him from doing this over again in 
 the past? Unless you're planning on 
 sending me...

 OLDER PRINCESS ZELDA
 I have another billiant idea! I'll just 
 use my super Princess powers to teleport 
 you back in time and we'll pretend this 
 monstrosity never happened.

 MAN LINK
 But...

Link TELEPORTS back to the Temple of Time.

 BOY LINK
 Oh well. Good riddance that's over with.

 PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
 Nonsense. My irrepressible ego has 
 spawned another senseless sequel... Mask 
 of Find Item and Kill Boss with first-
 person Goldeneye shooter mini-game!!

 NAVI
 What? You're on your own, Link.
 (leaves)

 GAME OVER.