When I Don't Remember

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : I really hate doing this…. *mutters* Don't own them only borrowing them to have some fun, no harm in that is there? Don't sue me cause… quite frankly I'm poor enough as it is!

Warnings : Yaoi, Lemon-stuff (future chapters), OCC, angst (as usual) and um hm I'm probably forgetting something here…

Notes : Stuff written in Italic are thoughts or letters, //Italic// are flashbacks in dreams and //No Italic// are flashbacks while awake. Confusing isn't it? Sorry about that.

I've never suffered from loss of memory, at least not that I can remember *hardy har har* so I'm asking you to just play along with me in this story.

I have no one to read through my stuff so the bad spelling and grama is still in here. *sigh*

You'll find out who Yuki is in this chapter *promises*, um if you haven't guessed it already, and who I've paired him with if you didn't already figured that out. I did give you enough hints, ne? *S*

Chapter 2. Red Hair, Red Blood

The streets of Tokyo felt familier, there was no doubt he had been there before. Yuki put on his sunglasses and crossed a street. He had been there for two days but so far nothing had come to him. At the moment he just let his feet decide where to go. There had to be someone who recognized him there but then again Tokyo was a huge city. He sighed and stopped infront of a shop. For a moment his brain strained itself to grab a hold of escaping memories. That shop. He had been there before, he could feel it. But when? Yuki rubbed his forehead and pouted. A small blonde came out and started watering some of the flowers that were lined up infront of the windows. That blonde young man was familier too. Maybe he'd know who he was? Slowly and carefully Yuki approched him.
"Excuse me?" he said in english and tapped the youth on his shoulder. The blonde turned around still focust on the flowers.
"How can I help you sir?" Blue eyes met his and widened. For a long time they just stared at each other.
"Is something wrong?" Yuki asked in japanese. The blonde swallowed and kept staring at him, then he let out a low yelp and ran back into the store. Confused Yuki frowned before he followed the younger man.
"I swear it must be…" Two men were staring at him now. One short and one taller blonde.
"Oh dear god," the taller one gasped. "Omi go get Aya." The petit blonde nodded and hurried out a door in the back of the shop. "How? Where? How can you be here?" Yuki stared and desperatly tried to remember who that man was.
"I'm sorry but do I know you? Do you know me?" he asked with hesitation.
"What do you mean do I know you? Of course we know each other! But Ken where have you been? We all thought you were dead." For a moment Yuki just blinked at the blonde and shook his head.
"Ken?" a deep voice asked and Yuki turned his head. He remembered that voice from his dreams but the redhead standing behind him was a stranger, sort of.
"My name is Yuki, Suzuki Takayuki, do I know you?" he asked in confusion. The two blondes and the redhead stared at each other.
"He doesn't remember us," the tall lanky blonde sighed to the redhead.
"I noticed that Yoji!" Cold amethyst eyes filled with questions eyed him up and down. "Why don't you come in, we need to talk."
"No." This was too uncomfortable, too scary. "Just tell me if you know me, please."
"Yes we know you. You used to work here at the Koneko," the tall redhead nodded slowly and something that looked like pain flashed across his bland face.
"I… I recognize your voice," Yuki whispered and pulled out his necklace. "Does this look familier?" The redhead took it and hugged it in his hand.
"I gave it to you before you left and you gave me this." He took off a necklace that looked just like the one Yuki had. On it was a strange looking glove with claws crossing a flower that he didn't recognize and intwined in them was the letter K. "Ken where have you been all this time?" Yuki shivered and handed back the necklace. His brain was working overtime and still he couldn't put the pieces together.
"Montana, USA," he answered slowly. "Is my name Ken?" It seemed a whole lot more familier than Takayuki that was for sure.
"Hidaka Ken," the smaller blonde nodded. "We thought you died in an explosion a little more than a year and a half ago."
"That man," Yuki muttered and closed his eyes. "He said he had… snatched me from a motel and taken me too USA to kill me."
"Fukunishi, that bastard!" the man the redhead had called Yoji growled. "Aya I thought Manx said that the explosion was an accident?"
"She did. I don't understand how he managed to get away with it."
"Is that your name? Aya?" Yuki asked and thought about the R on his pendant.
"Sort of. You used to call me Ran though." Ran sounded more right than Aya. Yuki frowned. If that dream really was a memory didn't that mean that he and this Ran had been lovers? If that was true than why was the redhead acting so cold and bland?
"I… I… dreamt about you," Yuki mumbled and stared at the redhead. "But I… can't remember who you are." 'Don't forget who you are now' That was what the man had told him in his dream, but he had forgotten who he was. Again Yuki met Ran's amethyst eyes and almost took a step back. Those eyes were filled with something that looked like pain, loss and sadness now. "I'm sorry, I… have to go," he studdered, turned around and fled.

Panting like a mad man Yuki finally slowed down. Those three men knew him but he didn't know them, couldn't remember them. And Ran. The redhead was beautiful with his crimson hair, amethyst eyes and ivory skin but Yuki still couldn't really remember him. Why would such a beautiful man get involved with him? He was nothing special, just a plain average man. Not tall, not short, plain brown hair and brown eyes. It was a mystery. But a part of Yuki's mind told him that the redhead was special to him even if his memories of Ran weren't there. Exhausted he returned to his hotel room and sank down on the bed. He just wanted to remember! Slowly he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

//"Don't forget who you are now," a deep but soft voice said.
"I won't I promise," he answered and smiled.
"And please come back to me," the voice sighed.
"You know I always come back to you koi," he mumbled and kissed the owner of the voice.
"Don't trust anyone, they're after you."//

The dream hadn't changed. He still couldn't make out the face but he knew it was Ran, he recognized the voice.

//He sighed and rested his head in his hands as he waited.
"Siberian the target is heading your way!" a low voice said in his ear.
"Copy that Bombay." He rose to his feet and touched the trigger on his glows. Five claws shot out. Quietly he stepped out from the shadows. A man walked into the corridore and headed towards him. With a low roar he charged him and buried the claws in the man's stomach. The man let out a cry of pain and sank down on the floor. "Target has been destroyed, I repeat, the target has been destroyed." he said and put his finger over his earpiece.
"Copy that Siberian. Abyssinian, Balinese move out." Quickly he headed towards the exit, covered in blood from an unknown man, and left the mangled body lying on the dirty floor."//

Sweating and fighting against the urge to throw up Yuki bolted from the bed. He had killed that man in cold blood. Who was he? Why had he killed that man? Siberian? He had read that 'name' somewhere. Quickly Yuki took out the letters he had had with him and looked through them. Siberian, Balinese, Abyssinian and Bombay where all meantioned in them. Why did they call each other by the names of catbreeds? Without thinking he got a pen and a piece of paper and started writing down words from the letter. He didn't pick them at random instead he used some sort of number code that he had no idea where it came from. When he was done he read what he had written.

Siberian, the target is still searching for you and Balinese is trying to lead him astray. Bombay has the information you need and it will be delivered at the meeting place by Abyssinia two days from today, at dawn. Use extrem caution when you go there!

It was the last letter he had recieved, judging by the date on it. Frowning he picked up the letter he had written himself and started decoding it. When he read the messaged hidden in it he swallowed. He had known that that man, Yoji had called Fukunishi, was lurking about and had asked for advice about what to do. But he had been too late and Fukunishi had gotten to him before the letter could be delivered. Yuki felt the familier headache coming to life and rubbed his temples. Judging from the letters and that disgusting dream he was some sort of hitman, assassin or perhaps a cop? A cop that worked as a florist? Not very likely. Besides, what cop would use that type of weapon? Clawed gloves. And just who were these other guys, Abyssinian, Bombay and Balinese?
"Damn!" he cursed out loud and banged his fist against the table. He was so tired of fumbling around in the dark. Trembling he lit a cigarette just as he always did when he needed to calm down. He would have to go back to that flowershop, the Koneko. Koneko? Koneko meant kitten in japanese. Maybe those three cat-names refered to the three men he had met there earlier? But if that was the case didn't that mean that they, just like him, were killers? Yuki groaned. It was too confusing, too scary. Trembling he went back to bed. Maybe his dreams would tell him something more?

With hesitation Yuki peeked through the window. Only the redhead was there. Nervous and unsure he opened the door and entered. Aya turned around and looked at him.
"So you came back," the taller man said quietly.
"I… I'm sorry I ran out yesterday. I came back to show you something Aya, Ran," Yuki mumbled and shifted his weight from one foot to the other.
"I'm about to close the shop so just hang on a minute." He watched the red haired man as he went to work. His brain might not exactly recognize that man but his body and heart did and they were both demanding to get much closer. Yuki swallowed and supressed it. He couldn't do that when he couldn't remember. "There I'm done. How about we talk in the kitchen?" the redhead suggested after a moment. Yuki nodded and followed the taller man. It didn't take long before they both sat down in a small kitchen. "So what did you want to show me Ken?" The slightly shorter man winced at the name.
"Please don't call me that. I don't know if I really am Ken."
"Okay," Aya agreed and looked at him with that stoic look on his face.
"When they found me I only had a backpack with me and these were in it," Yuki explained and handed Aya the letters.
"I wrote these," the redhead said slowly after looking at them. "Well except this one." He showed Yuki the letter that the cops had told him he had written himself.
"I wrote that one, right?" Aya nodded. "I don't mean to be blunt but… there was something going on between us, wasn't there?"
"Something going on between us?" the redhead asked coldly. "That's one way of putting it." Yuki cursed himself. He hadn't meant to just blurt it out like that, making it sound like he belittled it.
"I'm sorry Ran I didn't mean to…" The taller man raised his hand to interrupt him.
"Don't worry about it. It doesn't matter anymore and 'was' is the keyword here anyway," Aya said flatly and got up. "Just focus on remembering who you are instead!"
"Ken-kun," an energetic voice said and the smaller one of the two blondes came in. "I'm so glad you came back again!" Yuki smiled slightly and again wished he just could remember who the hell he and these people were.
"Why don't you talk to Yuki here," Aya said with ice in his voice and left.
"But Aya I…" the petit blonde objected but the redhead was already gone.
"Your name is Omi, ne?" The blonde nodded and turned around to look at him. "Which one of you is refered to as Bombay, it's you isn't it?" Omi winced and licked his lips. "Listen I'm just trying to figure out who the hell I am here. I had several dreams last night where I killed, I slaughtered humans in cold blood and you were there. I recognize your voice. You also meantioned two others by the names of Abyssinian and Balinese. That's Aya and the other blonde, Yoji, isn't it?"
"I can't talk to you about that Ken, not when you don't remember."
"Damn! I can't live like this! Do you even understand what it's like to not remember anything? I don't know who I am or who you people are and I can't remember what went on between Ran and me. I want to but I just can't!" Yuki almost scream and felt tears of frustration run down his cheeks. "I try so hard but it just won't come to me and now Aya is angry with me!" Omi looked at him sadly before lowering his eyes to the floor.
"When Manx told us you were dead we nearly lost Aya. He wanted to leave us and just go far away from everything that reminded him of you. Yoji managed to talk him out of it but he went back to being Aya again. When you and him got together he opened up and he became Ran. But Ran died on the same day you did Ken. You have to understand him, he lost so much many years ago and then he lost you too," Omi explained and then carefully looked up again. "I think he's afraid that he'll lose you all over again and without you even remembering what you two had together." Yuki rested his face in his hands and sighed deeply.
"I remember his voice… I hear it in my dreams every night but I can't remember even if he looks familier," he croaked out. "Maybe I should go talk to him?"
"You can try but he's even harder to talk to than he used to be," Omi sighed. Yuki got up and headed for the stairs. Again his feet took over and lead him up and towards the first door. Carefully he opened it and stepped inside. The room was a mess, clothes scattered all over the floor along with shoes and a fotball. It was his room, or at least it used to be, he could feel it. Slowly Yuki walked up the bed and picked up an orange sweater lying there and tied it around his waist. It felt right to have it there. It's strange that this room is so clean and still has my…Ken's stuff in it, Yuki thought. With a sigh he walked out again and closed the door behind him. He approached the second door and knocked on it. Something, probably his instinct, told him that he would find the redhead there. He knocked again when he didn't get an answer. Still nothing.
"Ran?" he asked and opened the door a little. He could hear someone breathing inside but got no answer. Mildy annoyed he pushed the door completely opened and walked in. The redhead was standing by the window with his back against him.
"What do you want?" came the flat question at last.
"I want to talk Ran, about us," he said carefully. Yuki could have sworn he heard a harsh chuckle from the other man.
"There is no us Yuki!" Hearing those words hurt even though he couldn't exactly say he remembered their relationship.
"If that's true then why do I hear your voice in my dreams every night? How come my heart calls out for you when I see you?" Yuki asked softly and saw how Ran winced ever so slightly. Carefully he approached the taller man. "I'm trying so hard to remember Ran but I need a little help, I need your help, I need you." The taller man lowered his head a little but didn't turn around.
"I can't help you Yuki, I'm not Ran. Once I was but he's gone, just like Ken," the redhead said with his monotone voice.
"Then what diffrence does it make if I remember anything at all? The small pieces I've found so far show me a cold hearted killer bathing in blood, stained by it. I thought you might be the one good thing I had in the life I can't recall… Forget it! I should just go back to Montana and be Yuki, at least he's a good guy." Finding out who he was had quickly lost a lot of its glory. Sighing sadly Yuki turned around and headed for the door.
"Ken is a good guy too." It was just a little louder than a whisper. "He's brave, warm, kind, sweet and innocent." Yuki tilted his head slightly. That didn't exactly agree with what he had found out so far.
"Yeah sure and he kills for a living! Look at me! I'm as plain as you get, nothing special except the fact that I'm a murderer. I can't even remember Ken and I already hate his guts!" Yuki spat out. Ran swirled around and glared at him with fire in his eyes.
"Shut up! There's nothing plain about Ken! He's beautiful inside out and he's not some lowlife murderer. Yes we all kill for a living! But we kill bad people so that the rest of the population can be safe. That's what Ken lives for, to protect the innocent, so don't you dare say such things about him!" the redhead almost yelled and pointed a shaking hand at the shorter man.
"If that's true then show me, help me remember Ken," Yuki begged. "Ran, Aya, or whatever you want to call yourself, I'm fumbling around in the dark here. The only things I can remember is your voice, that I've killed and being held prisoner by some man. Out of those three things you're the only good one, why won't you help me?" He was crying now. Crying tears because he was losing something that he couldn't even remember. Lost in things he had forgotten he took four steps forward and pressed his face against the redhead's shirt. "Please… help me." His body sang with joy, it might have lost a lot of things but the memory of that smell and that body weren't among them. Tightly Yuki wrapped his arms around Aya's slender waist and clinged to it almost as if he was drowing and the redhead was the rope that would save him. After what seemed to be forever shaking arms were placed around him and held him carefully almost with hesitation.

~TBC~

If you think Aya/Ran is acting a little weird here don't flame me please. His acting will be explained in coming chapters. *promises* Oh dear there's gonna be some lemon-scented stuff in the next chapter *full panic mode* The things I go through to write bad fics *staggers off to write the stuff* I'm doomed.

And to Jin… You asked me if I would give you a treat for another chapter so how about it?? Was this a good enough treat for ya? *grins*