Disclaimer: I own nothing. Sue me anyway, because you'll get my precious precious pocket lint!
Presenting the Little Mermaid! Redone with new actors and a brilliant new director!
Scene opens. It's a giant wooden ship with, like, men. The men are singing, merrily. Oh yeah, everyone has a British accent because it's cooler that way. Prince Eric is swinging on a stick thing on the boat. I think it's called a mast…
Prince Eric [he's played by Prince Jon: WOO-HOO! Look at me!
That Old Guy who's supposed to look afther Prince Eric, you know, the one with a pony tail [he's played by George who instead of looking really old, looks really really young…and hot. His hair is not in a pony tail because…just, because.: Jon stop swinging around, you'll fall in the bloody ocean.
Jon [by the way, once I've established the person playing the part, I'm just gonna call them by their regular name since it's annoying otherwise: hey, you can't tell me what to do! I'm the prince. And besides, I happen to enjoy breathing in the salty sea air.
George: you would you jackass…
Jon: what was that?
George: nothing
Jon: You're still bitter about the fact that I beat you out for the role of Prince Eric, aren't you!
George: what do you mean 'beat ME out'? the only reason you have that role is because of typecasting.
Jon: what?! Liar. I was given this part based solely on my acting skills…
George: what skills you moron? I mean seriously, look at you. You have black hair, blue eyes and you ARE a prince! the only reason those tossers picked you is because you and Prince Eric practically share the same body!
Jon: silence Go stuff your head in a jar.
George: I'll show you how to stuff your head in a jar…
Jon: Bring it on you wanker!
Director: stop it! stop it right now! This movie hasn't even started and the two of you are trying to kill each other! George put that jar down! You know you couldn't stuff his head in there if you tried!
George: well if I used a little Vaseline…
Producer : First of all that's my Vaseline dammit! Second of all, if the both if you don't quit it right now and stop wasting the studio's money, you'll be replaced with Gary and Raoul.
Jon and George: fine! under their breath Party pooper…
Producer: What?
Both: we said…Super Dooper!
Director: and anyway, sorry Jon but you were typecast. It was just sooo easy…
Producer: yeah, have you checked the mirror? With you, we're saving a butload of money on contacts, hair dye, royal title usage tax…
Jon: damn.
George: haha
Raoul: wait a minute…where are Gary and me in this?
Gary: yeah?
Director: oops…I knew I forgot something…Cut! Back to the beginning…
Blah blah blah, start of scene1 take 2. Nothing different except two of the merry singing men are played by Gary and Raoul! There, now everyone has a part so far…
Jon: Yay! I love the sea! It's so peaceful.
George: [under his breath lot you know…
Jon: what?
Director: [offstage keep going! We'll fix it in editing
Jon: anyway, as I was saying, the sea is so peaceful!
Raoul: why do I have to be a gay sailor?
Gary: me too?
Director: you're not gay…you're just…merry
Producer: stop wasting money and get on with it!
Raoul: alright, alright…
Gary: 'merry' my ass…
Raoul: moving on…yes, the ocean is peaceful Prince! Must mean King Triton's having a good day!
Jon: King Triton?
Gary: yeah King Triton thought every good sailor knew about him…
George: well that's simple, Jon isn't a good sailor…
Jon: Hey! That's just my line! I actually DO know who he is!
George: oh really? Fine then, who is he?
Jon: he's, well he's…at least I'm paying attention to the script! According to the script, YOU'RE supposed to be an old man!
George: quiet you.
Producer: MOVE ON! YOU"RE WASTING MONEY! First off it would be really expensive to make him look all old. Second off, he's yummier this way…mmmm…Ahem… Brings in more viewers with all the sex appeal and stuff
George: and I win again…
Jon: so what? That just means you're as much of a pretty boy as I am!
George: At least I'VE got talent!
Jon: uh, yeah, if that makes you happy…
George: that's it[whips out one of his many knives, this one from behind his ear, and tackles Jon. They both fall off the ship
Director: oh shit…I knew hiring them would be a mistake…should we get them?
Producer: rescues are expenseive…
Director: hiring new ones would cost even more though…
Producer: good point…and I think we could actually use the rescue footage for when Ariel rescues him…we'll just edit George out
Gary: shouldn't one of you rescue them now! Jon's drowning!
Director: no, George is just holding his head underwater. Kind of funny actually…all right, enough, Raoul go fish them out
Raoul: why me?
Producer: because you're also a rescuer and an actor
Raoul: couldn't you just hire an actual rescuer?
Producer: too expensive…
Raoul: why'd I even ask… do I at least get a life jacket or tube?
Producer: no, but you do get a rope tied around your waste.
Raoul: [freaking out, wouldn't you? how's THAT supposed to help?!
Producer: the other end is tied to a ship, of course…
Raoul: oh goody…
Director: can we get on with this! CUT! Start again.
Oh good goddess…scene one take 3. everything's the same. Except Jon and George are soaking wet.
Jon: why are we still wet?
Producer: drying the both of you would be too expenseive.
George: why'd we even ask.
Jon: for the love of…
Director: [offstage shut it and keep going! We're still on scene one you fools!
Jon: ok, ok. You're so impatient.
George: and cheap…
Director: I. AM. GOING. TO. HURT. YOU.
George: fine, fine. Gary, say you're bloody line…
Gary: finally. Why Prince Eric, King Triton is the ruler of the merpeople of course!
George: hold on, isn't Thom playing King Triton?
Director: yes.
Jon: and isn't Ariel supposed to be his daughter?
Producer: yes…I don't see your point. AND YOU'RE WASTING FILM!
George: sorry, it's just…doesn't that mean her brother is, well, her father?
ALL: EWWWWWWWW…THAT'S NASTY
Director: [at this point she's screaming Alright! Fine! Myles, you're playing King Triton!
Thom: then who do I play?
Director: you know what? NO ONE.
Producer: nope, sorry but he has to play someone.
Director: and why, in the name of all that is good, does he HAVE to play someone…
Producer: because we already payed for it and we can't let him go to waste…
Director: fair enough. Thom, you're a fish.
Thom: that's a stupid part
Jon: it is pretty stupid
Director: then you're MANY fish! Got it? you're a whole SCHOOL of fish? Happy?
Thom: it's still pretty lame…
Director: [choking on her own rage grragaraahhahaa….ok…deep breath..Elie, what part do we have for him?
Producer: I could always fire the stick we're using to play the nutty cook dude. It wouldn't be like we'd lose money since he works for free. And I wouldn't really be hurting his feelings since he's…a stick.
Director: [who's just shot herself full of morphine. She's calm again okay..mmm…me feel good…Thom, you're playing the nutty cook. And since I believe we just ran out of film, we're done with this scene…DONE. We'll start number two tomorrow.
Gary: was that it?!
Director: was what it?
Gary: were those my ONLY lines?!
Director: umm…yeah. Pretty much
Gary: so what do Raoul and I do now?
Director: well we need you guys to rescue anyone who starts drowning and for background people. Like the fish. We need lots and lots of fish. It is, like, the ocean.
Raoul: this sucks
Producer: well nuts to you…
Director: oh good goddess, Jon don't eat that! It's full of knives! GEORGE!!!!
Producer: I hope he didn't put those knives on his expense account. Uh-oh. Raoul, you better call the medic.
Gary: I'm the medic. Apparently.
Producer: ok, go get Jon. Put some gauze on him or something.
Gary: all we have are band-aids…
Director: …Elie…
Producer: what? He'll live.