When I Don't Remember

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : Here we go again… Not mine, not yours, but don't we wish it was? They belong to someone else and I'm just using them to satisfy my twisted urges. *G* No pun intendet… Don't sue me, pwees.

Warnings : Yaoi, Lemon-stuff (future chapters), OCC, angst (as usual) and um hm I'm probably forgetting something here…

Notes : Stuff written in Italic are thoughts or letters, //Italic// are flashbacks in dreams and //No Italic// are flashbacks while awake. Confusing isn't it? Sorry about that.

Chapter 4. The Unpleasent Truth

The Insatiable was a twisted place, that conclusion took Yuki about two seconds to reach. Dressed in black leather pants and an extremly tight black shirt he entered and felt like he walked into a wall of smoke and heavy music. Yuki growled and pulled at his clothes. The pants were riding up into the unknown and the stupid shirt showed more skin than he was comfortable with. With a sigh he pushed his way to the bar and demanded a drink. If he was going to stay sane in there he needed alcohol. A half naked bartender handed him a glass and Yuki emptied it as fast as he could. Slowly he ran his eyes over the crowd and couldn't help but stare at the grinding and touching that went on. It looked more like foreplay than dancing. After he had left Yoji at the Koneko he had taken a nap which of course had been filled with dreams of Ran, dreams that left him craving something he couldn't have.
"Hi there cutie how about a dance?" a purring voice asked in his ear. Yuki glanced at the woman leaning against him and shook his head.
"No thanks, I'm waiting for someone." She pouted but left him alone. If they're late I'll kill them, he promised himself and ordered another drink. Suddenly a warm hand caressed his back. Yuki swirled around and found himself staring into a pair of weird colored eyes.
"Let's dance." It wasn't a question, it was an order. Yuki narrowed his eyes and glared at the unknown man. The stranger ran a hand across his thigh and then went back to caressing his back.
"Get your hands off me!" Yuki growled.
"It's me, Yoji," the man hissed. The blonde had either dyed his hair or wore a wig and his eyes were a odd-looking brown color.
"How the hell was I suppose to know that?" Yuki muttered but allowed Yoji to fondle him.
"Now let's dance," the blonde slurred and pulled his arm. Rolling his eyes Yuki slid down from his chair.
"Lead the way," he nodded and Yoji dragged him onto the dancefloor and started swaying to the music. Yuki gritted his teeth and moved stiffly to the noise, keeping as far away from Yoji as he could.
"Don't take this the wrong way Ken but would you mind grinding against me a little here? It's not exactly the place for a waltz," the blonde muttered and crushed his pelvis to Yuki's.
"I'm gonna kill you once we get out of here! I don't care if I don't remember you, I'll kill you!" Yuki snarled but did as he was told.
"Yeah, yeah… Aya's gonna show up in about five minutes and when he does I want you to act like you're angry with me, okay? Let Aya defend you, dance with him for a while then leave with him," Yoji mumbled in his ear while his hands got a close feel of the shorter man's behind. Yuki gritted his teeth. Acting or not those hands needed to move.
"Act!? I am angry with you and if you don't move your hands you'll lose them!" Yuki spat out. Yoji's hands were removed from his butt almost immediately. For a few minutes they danced closely and then Yoji's hands started wandering again. The blonde squeezed, pinched and groped him all over.
"Aya's coming," the blonde informed him and licked his neck.
"Stop that!" Yuki growled and didn't act at all.
"But baby you taste so good," Yoji said loud enough for the people around them to hear.
"I said stop it! Get away from me!" Yuki almost screamed but this time it was an act.
"Is he bothering you?" a very familier deep smooth voice asked.
"Get lost buster! This one is mine," Yoji growled and pulled Yuki closer to him.
"Yes he is bothering me!" With one rough push Aya sent the blonde crashing to the floor.
"Easy come, easy go," the redhead sneered at Yoji and pulled Yuki into his arms. Yuki's body cheered at being so close to Aya and the taller man's scent was intoxicating. With a content sigh Yuki leaned into the embrace and started moving to the music. He was pretty sure that Ken wasn't a dancer since the movement felt strange but at that moment he was just thrilled to feel Aya's body pressed against his willingly, or at least without trying to pull away. Slowly Yuki tilted up his face to look into those amethyst eyes. The bland mask was almost gone and the redhead had a strange look in his eyes that the slightly shorter man couldn't read.
"Aya I…" he mumbled and swallowed. Without saying anything the redhead lowered his head slightly. Yuki didn't think he just allowed Aya to cover his mouth. The kiss was questioning and filled with some sort of desperate longing. The redhead deepened it and ran his tongue over the shorter man's lips, asking for access. With a low rumble in the back of his throat Yuki gave it to him. Cool hands softly stroke the exposed skin between the shorter man's shirt and pants as tongues danced. Yuki felt his knees grow week and just leaned into the kiss and the touch. His body, mind and heart knew these feelings, remembered them and wanted more. Slowly Yuki moved his hands underneth the redhead's loose shirt and got a soft moan in reply. It felt like he was home, the same feeling that he had felt in the dreams where Ran had made love to him. All too soon the kiss ended and the hands on his back were removed.
"Let's get out of here," Aya said with his voice thick and rich. Yuki nodded and took his hand. The redhead pushed through the crowd and lead the way out. "How did you get here?" he asked when they stopped.
"I walked," Yuki mumbled.
"I have my car parked two blocks from here," Aya said and nodded to the left.
"Okay." Yuki was thorn. He wanted to leave so that he could talk about the mess his life was but he also wanted to stay so that he could be close to the redhead. Aya started walking still holding his hand. When the club was out of sight Yuki stopped.
"What's wrong?" the taller man asked and looked around.
"Aya, I… want…to," Yuki studdered and forced himself to meet the other man's eyes. The bland mask was back again and the amethyst eyes were cold. "Please don't do that to me."
"Do what?" the redhead asked flatly.
"Please don't put up that mask and shut me out. I can't stand it when you do that. Listen, I know I can't really remember Ken or you but… I can remember you in here," Yuki tried to explain and put his hand over his heart. "I dream of you every night and lately you've been making love to me in those dreams." He knew he was blushing but ignored it. Aya's stoic face was shadowed by sadness and hurt for a brief moment.
"We need to get going before Yoji and Omi get worried," the tall redhead stated coldly and let go of Yuki's hand. The rest of the walk to the car and the drive went under complete silence.

The dusky room was located in a condemed building far away from the inner town of Tokyo. Yuki sat on a wooden box and he wasn't paying attention. Instead of listening to Yoji his mind was tormenting him with Aya. The callous redhead was standing by one of the broken windows with his back to the room. Since the fiasko on the way to the car he hadn't said a word and he hadn't so much as looked at Yuki.
"Ken! Would you pay attention!" Yoji barked at him. "It's your ass they're after not mine."
"I'm sorry, what were you saying?" Yuki sighed and pushed away the thoughts that occupied him.
"The four of us are members of a team called Weiss Kreuz." The brunette turned his eyes to Omi who had spoken.
"I thought I was the one talking here?!" Yoji muttered and got a hard glare from Aya.
"We're assassins working for an organization called Kritiker, I'm not allowed to give you any information about them since you don't remember… Anyway, about two years ago we accepted a mission that included killing four dangerous men responsible for the deaths of several kids. We each had a part of the mission to do and yours was taking down one of the targets." Yuki swallowed and closed his eyes for a moment. Great, more killing. "He was supposed to be alone but unfortunately our information was incorrect and there were six other men with him. You managed to destoy the target and five of the other men but one got away. At that time no one of us knew that those six men belonged to the local yakuza," Omi sighed and glanced at Aya. Yuki's mind was running like a manic bull. He remembered that, kind of.
"The sixth man was Fukunishi and he informed Hattori about what had happened and since he had seen my face they went after me," he mumbled.
"Yes Ken. We had no other choice than to ask the organization to hide you until we could deal with Hattori and Fukunishi. You were given a false identity and hidden at a motel in Osaka. Aya took trips there once a week to leave information for you and to fetch anything you might have left there for us. I searched for information about Hattori and Yoji tried to lead the yakuza in the wrong direction but it didn't work. They refused to give up. Then the motel exploded and it was ruled as an accident. You're clothes, wallet and other things were still in your room so we thought you died in the explosion."
"So that's why no one ever came looking for me?" Yuki sighed and glanced at the redhead. "I'll tell you what I know about what happened. A man, probably Fukunishi, told me he grabbed me from the motel and then blew it up. He took me to USA in order to get information from me, about what I have no idea but he did ask me about my lo…" Yuki swallowed and changed the sentence, "about Aya. He said that after he had gotten what he wanted he'd kill me. I don't remember telling him anything and since I'm alive something must have gone wrong."
"It must have been Fukunishi," Yoji muttered. "He's the best man Hattori has, probably good enough to find Ken on his own. Fukunishi used to be a cop but he got suspended and started working as a PI before he joined the yakuza."
"Hattori asked me about Fukunishi and said that he was ordered to kill me, or rather Ken, but never returned. I don't remember how the man who grabbed me looked but there is one thing that I thought was strange," the brunette mumbled and remembered the dream.
"What?" Aya asked and met his eyes for the first time since they had left the club.
"He knew about you and m… Ken," Yuki answered and avoided the amethyst gaze. Aya, Yoji and Omi frowned as one and looked at each other.
"Ken's right that is strange Aya," the lanky blonde said quietly. "I didn't even know about you two until after." The redhead's face had gone back to being completely stoic.
"So how could Fukunishi have known? Besides that, there's something else that bothers me," Omi muttered and bit his lower lip. "Why go through so much trouble? Why didn't he just kill Ken? It seems like a real long detour to drag him to the other side of the world to get some information."
"Yeah, and just what could Ken possibly know that the yakuza would benefit so much from finding out?" Yoji asked and lit a cigarette.
"Could I have one?" Yuki sighed and nodded towards the pack in the blonde's hand.
"Ken you don't smoke," the lanky blonde objected and stared at him.
"Yes I do!"
"No Ken you don't!"
"Give it to him Yoji! He's not Ken," Aya said coldly and again turned his back at them. Yuki winced at the statement and closed his eyes. That really hurt. "I know why Hattori wanted Ken," the redhead added after a while.
"What!?" the taller blonde almost yelled. "What do you mean you know why?"
"Ken had a folder with him. It contained information about Weiss, the organization and a series of missions we were supposed to carry out to take out organized crime in Tokyo. With it Hattori could have wiped out the competition, us and damaged Kritiker."
"I did? But there was no folder in my backpack and if Fukunishi already had it why didn't he just kill me?" Yuki asked in confusion.
"Ken left the folder at the place where we exchanged information," Aya answered slowly, his voice no longer cold but hollow. "Omi was right, there was a leak in the organization and Manx didn't manage to locate and silence it fast enough. Hattori was informed about the folder, and maybe Ken's location, but he had no way of knowing that Ken no longer had what he wanted. At the time of the explosion neither one of us knew that Ken's location was known to them."
"But why did he have it in the first place?" Omi asked and looked at the redhead.
"Because I gave it to him," Aya mumbled. "There was a part of Kritiker that didn't want to help Ken, so I gave him the folder hoping that that would force them not to just leave him high and dry."
"Why didn't you tell us about this?" Yoji growled and glared at the younger assassin.
"I wasn't allowed to. I couldn't even tell Ken the whole truth," came the quiet reply.
"Aya-kun there's more to this story isn't there?" Omi asked softly. Yuki locked his eyes with the redhead's and pleaded for an explanation.
"Someone found out about Ken and me and that raised questions within Kritiker that the people who later turned out to be the leak fueled. It was argued that us being involved would put missions at risk, that the two of us couldn't be trusted to put our jobs first anymore. But after looking over our missions they came to the conclusion that I was safe and Ken wasn't," Aya explained and suddenly looked extremly beaten and lost. "I was cold hearted enough not to run to the rescue and ruin a mission if Ken got hurt. But since Ken had left a target once to save me the figured he wasn't. We all know that that mission was special and the target was destroyed, but those people concluded that Ken would protect me instead of focusing on the missions."
"That's a load of bullshit!" Yoji spat out. "We all know Ken knows how important those missions are!" Why doesn't one of them say that Aya isn't so cold that he wouldn't even care if I got… if Ken got hurt? Yuki asked inside. Doesn't he love me… Ken?
"It didn't matter what we thought or knew Yoji," Aya sighed. "If we hadn't gotten mixed up with the yakuza that night they would have removed Ken from the team." Yuki shuddered at the thought of how much pain the redhead must have gone through. No wonder Aya had freaked out when he found out Ken was dead. What the hell was wrong with that organization Kritiker anyway? Breaking lovers apart, playing with lives, doubting that he would do his job?
"You're telling us that Manx and Birman were involved in this too?"
"No Yoji, it's because of those two that the mess got sorted out. Unfortunately it got sorted out too late. I found out that the leak had been terminated and that everything had been taken care of the same day Ken's motel exploded. I was on my way to bring him back to Tokyo when Manx called me."
"That's why you asked me to please come back to you when I left for Osaka," Yuki mumbled and watched amethyst eyes that were flooded with hurt and loss. "And that's what you meant by 'Don't trust anyone, they're after you'. You weren't talking about the yakuza, you meant Kritiker." Aya nodded slowly.
"I couldn't tell you what was going on but I know I should have," the redhead almost whispered. Yuki felt his heart pound a little faster when Aya talked to him as if he really was Ken. "If I had told you you wouldn't have stayed at that motel but gone somewhere safe instead."
"Wait just a minute here," Yoji said and tilted his head slightly. "You remember what Aya told you when you left for Osaka?"
"Not exactly but I've dreamt my way through it almost every night for a year and a half. At first I just thought it was a strange dream but then I came here and I heard Aya's voice and I understood that it was a memory," Yuki answered.

The house was dark, quiet and he was alone. Slowly he pulled up his legs so he could rest his chin against his knees. He was exhausted and yet he couldn't settle down to sleep. The questions that darted around inside his head were tearing him apart. Yuki sighed deeply and wrapped his arms around his legs. Yoji and Omi had insisted that he should stay with them since Hattori might still be after him and Yuki had agreed. It wasn't because he was scared of the yakuza though, it was because he was scared of himself. Kate had once told him that he was the kindest man she had ever met, that he had a heart that would never allow him to hurt another human being. Yuki shook his head. He had blood on his hands from killing God only knew how many men and women. Aya had told him that they were bad people but did that really justify what he had done? Yuki wasn't sure about the answer to that question and perhaps it didn't matter since he couldn't change the past. The people who had hired him to kill had wanted to turn their backs at him, to sacrifice him just because he had a relationship with Ran. Yuki shuddered at the thought of the redhead. He wanted Ran back with Ken but Ken wasn't there, Ken might never come back again. What would that possibility mean for his life? He didn't even want to know. Slowly Yuki rose from the couch and started pacing the livingroom. Omi had asked him why he didn't just stay in his own room but Yuki couldn't find the words to explain the reason. How could they possibly understand how much pain it inflicted on him to be so close to Aya? He didn't even understand it himself. A few fuzzy pieces of memories were all he had of the tall red haired man and it was killing him that he couldn't remember more. Without thinking Yuki headed for the stairs. Aya had looked so defeated and broken when they returned. The older man felt guilty for what had happened to his lover even though it wasn't his fault. Sighing to himself the brunette stopped infront of a door. How had he ended up outside Aya's room? The door stood slightly ajar so Yuki quietly pushed it open. A silhouette stood infront of the window dimly lit by the moon, his back facing the room. It all looked so familier, almost as if he had déjà vu. Suddenly Yuki felt as if time stopped and he found himself being pulled outside reality. The sceen infront of him changed slightly. Aya was still standing in the same place but now he was clad only in a pair of black pants and his bare back almost glowed in the moonlight. Confused Yuki vannished into one of his forgotten memories.

~TBC~

This chapter might be confusing… If so I'm sorry. To me it isn't but then I know how I think… Anyway, if there's something that seems strange just tell me so and I'll try to explain that part or those parts better.

Yoji is probably a bit weird in this fic. I do have a problem with his character. He's the most difficult one for me to understand so please forgive me if he's OOC in this chapter and further ones.

I got a mail from a reader who wanted to know just what Ran/Aya thinks and feels. Fear not dear readers you will find out in chapter 6 just what it is Ran/Aya is going through. I wasn't going to change the POV but I realize that I need to. There are a lot of things going on that we need Ran/Aya in order to see. Chapter 6 will also show the diffrences between the 'old' Ken and the 'new'.

Next chapter is in the making and will be posted soon. It starts with Yuki's/Ken's flashback. Ja/Atsureki