Scene TWO take one! [Zeus halleluiah…] if you've seen the movie you'll know that this is the part where King Triton and Sebastian are at the concert where Ariel hasn't shown up yet.
Enter King Triton in a chariot pulled by dolphins…wait, those aren't dolphins…
King Triton [if you were paying attention you'd know he's being played by Myles, no longer by Thom because everyone thought that would be pretty gross. And they were right, it would be. Sorry Thom] : are those plastic windup fish pulling my chariot?
Director: yes.
Myles: aren't I supposed to be in a chariot pulled by dolphins?
Director: I decided that the use of dolphins for manual labor, such as pulling a chariot, was cruel and inhumane
Producer: and I decided that it would cost too much. Bath toys are WAY cheaper.
Sebastian [being played by Coram, he's her keeper. Get it, get it?!]: Why am I a lobster?
Director: the crab costume was already rented out. We'll have it back tomorrow.
Producer: That reminds me, we'll have to finish this scene by 9 p.m. otherwise they'll charge us extra for the suit.
Director: oh my goddess…alright then, let's start filming. Action!!
Myles rides up in his… um…bath-toy driven chariot and attempts to light the chandelier, like in the movie. Aims his trident and shoots the chandelier…oh man…he missed…Everything just exploded…
Myles: oops…
Director: EVERYBODY OUT! THIS PLACE IS ON FIRE!
George: wait, how can it be on fire when we're underwater…
Director: you know, although that's a good point, it's the least of my concerns right now. Let's just ignore it and get out.
Scene begins again. Trumpets play to announce entry of king and kazoos play to announce entry of Sebastian, just like in the real movie! Isn't that cool!
Myles [who is now carrying a plastic trident made by fisher price. It's cheaper anyway.] : I'm looking forward to this concert Sebastian.
Coram: me too your majesty. It's full of my finest work and- why are you looking at me like that?
Myles: Nothing, it's just…
Coram: what?
Myles: I can't but help imagine you sautéed in butter…
Director: THERE WILL BE NO EATING OF THE OTHER CAST MEMBERS!!!!
Myles: I didn't say I was going to eat him-
Coram: well it was implied!
Myles: but you should see yourself, sooo juicy….mmmmmm
Coram: get back! Get back!
Director: Raoul! Quick, get Myle's off of his…oh shitty hell…
Producer: you know how much money it's going to cost to repair that claw?! Great, alright Gary, go patch him up…
Gary: with just a band-aid?
Producer: fine, I'll spring for some gauze, but NOT too much.
Coram: [in between screams] how-generous-of-you
Producer: I know.
Director: oh gross…the blood is floating around in the water
Raoul: wait…we're underwater?
Director: that should have been obvious jackass
George [who for some reason is still around. He's hot, does it really matter?]: if we're underwater, shouldn't we be drowning?
Producer: Oops…maybe I should have bought the oxygen tanks…
Suddenly entire cast and crew start choking and begin swimming to the top.
Director: *gurgle* CUT! *gurgle*
SCENE TWO take 2. Everybody's underwater again, but this time they all have oxygen tanks!
Director: Everybody breathing?
All: YES
Director: good. Coram, how's your arm?
Coram: Gary sewed it on…how do YOU think it is…
Director: I think it's fine.
Jon: Yeah, nice cross-stitching Gary
Gary: why thank you…
George: yeah, it's very neat actually
Gary: thanks, me mum taught me before I went-
Director: alright! We can all see that Gary can sew! Congratulations Gary, you've achieved the very feminine art of needlework.
Gary: I resent that.
Director: too bad. Let's move on, and I mean now! Action!
Scene two take 3. This doesn't look like it's gonna be done before 9 p.m.
Myles: I'm excited to see- what now?
Coram: promise you won't bite me again?
Myles: I make no promises.
Coram: what did you say??!
Director: enough! Myles, you shall not bite ANYONE! Got that? Good. Action…again
Myles: [pouty] fine…alright, Sebastian, I'm excited to see my daughter Ariel, she has such a lovely voice…
Coram: Yes, yes, if only she'd show up for rehearsal once in while…
Director: that's amazing!
Coram: what?
Director: you said the line! The line from the movie! Without any interruption!
Producer: actually…
Director: oh crap. What now?
Producer: well, you see, taking the actual line from the movie would make us have to pay a huge indemnity because of copyright laws so you'll have to redo the line and say 'practice' instead of 'rehearsal'
Director: [on the verge of tears because she was so happy she almost went through a whole scene] Elie, are you serious?
Producer: You could always leave it the way it is and pay more if you want.
Director: I can?
Producer: "yeah, you don't ALWAYS have to do what I say, you know."
Director: really? News to me…anyway, keep going! [heeheee, I used what you said…] Send in the singing mermaids!
George [who has now taken the position as Director's assistant seeing as how he's hardly in the movie. And I like him, so shut up.]: I think we may have a problem.
Director: whatever do you mean?
George: well, there appears to be a singing mermaid named Alanna…
Director: and?…
George: She won't like that…
Jon: he's right you know, she'd get really touchy about a ditzy mermaid with the same name as her…
Director: he's got a point…Elie?
Producer: [smiling in a maniacal way. Oh good god. She's holding a gun…] don't worry…I've got it all covered…
Everyone hears a bang. Oh my.
Director: that took care of that problem.
Jon: yeah…the hot-tempered one will be appeased
George: what did you just say about my wife?
Jon: I said she was hot tempered. What? You can't deny that-[he's suddenly cut off because George has just lunged at his throat]
Director: whoa. Look at George go.
Producer: man, is he built.
Director: now I see why guys think this is such a turn on. With two girls, I mean…
Raoul: should we stop them?
Director: no, not yet…
Gary: umm…George just pulled a knife.
Director: Ok, now.
Trying the scene with the six, I mean, FIVE, singing mermaids again. George has a black eye and a broken nose. Jon has a broken jaw and his ear was nearly cut off.
Director: ok you guys, we have to get through this scene quick. We're nearly running out of oxygen. And note to George and Jon, QUIT IT!
Jon: [in a pouty, little British boy accent] he started it
George: did not
Jon: did too
George: did not
Jon: did too
George: DID NOT YOU, YOU STEAMING PILE OF ELEPHANT DUNG!
Jon: DID TOO YOU IGNORANT BOIL OF SEEPING PUS!
[about to jump out of their wheelchairs and hit each other with their IV tubes]
Director: ELIE! MAKE THEM STOP!
Producer: [pulls out gun]…
Both: SORRY. WE'RE DONE.
Director: thank you
Producer: no problem. Pretty handy thing Craig bought me for our anniversary…[there, I put him in. the both of you are married. Happy?]
Director: how is Craig?
Producer: just fine, but he passed out in the shower this morning. I told him to lay off the pot for a while…
George: shouldn't we get back to the movie now?
Director: okay, I knew giving you power would corrupt you…
George: what? I'm running OUT of oxygen!
Director: alright, keep your pants on…or don't…ahem…Cue the damn singing mermaids…
[like in the actual movie] Mermaids begin to sing, and announce each others name: Athena, Aquata, Adreama, Arista, and Abella. Alanna the mermaid is missing for…obvious reasons…The shell opens and they all gasp because Ariel's not inside…wait
Director: Alanna [who, by the way, if you haven't figured it out, plays Ariel. Duh.] Alanna, what are you doing in their? You're not in this scene…
Alanna: [who is fuming mad…] FOR THE LOVE OF THE GREAT LADY! Do you all realize that this movie is about me, got that, ME, and that I haven't even shown up yet!!!!
George: well if certain people would stop being a prig…
Jon: and others would stop knifing people for no apparent reason…
Director: STOP. Just, stop.
Both: fine.
Director: anyway, we all know that the reason this is taking so long is because some people are just sooooo hungry…
Myles: it's not my fault! If we had some decent food on the cast snack table…
Producer: we have DONUTS! What more do you want?!
Myles: sandwiches would be nice…
George: and chocolate chip cookies…
Alanna: and cake…
Jon: and crisps…
Coram: coffee wouldn't be too bad either…
Director: ENOUGH! Next you'll be asking for napkins!
George: that wouldn't hurt…
Director: quiet you.
Producer: we can't afford any of that crap!
Director: Lovely. And since I believe we're all about to drown, we might as well get out of here. I guess I'll manage with whatever footage we have. If we have any. Wait, I just realized we don't have a cameraman, just a camera…Elie…
Producer: fine, fine, I'll hire ONE…
Director: thank you…and I guess you'll be doing the editing?
Producer: yes. And?…
Director: just remember to keep the fight, we'll just paste Ursula's head over George's…
Producer: but George won the fight, in the movie Ursula's supposed to lose…
Jon: he did NOT win…
George: says you…
Jon: why you little-
George: I'm bigger than you, Shrimpy
Jon: [battle cry] ARGH!!!!! [attacks George with crutch, George fights back with his…knife…of course]
Director: do they realize they're about to run out of air?
Raoul: probably not
Director: Gary?
Gary: I'm on it…
Director: [who's feeling that high you get right before you drown] hmmmmm…CUT.