When I Don't Remember

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : Do I really have to do this again? *whines* No matter how unfair it might be I don't own these guys or anything else for that matter. There all done!

Warnings : Yaoi, Lemon-stuff (future chapters), OCC, angst (as usual) and um hm I'm probably forgetting something here…

Notes : Stuff written in Italic are thoughts or letters, //Italic// are flashbacks in dreams and //No Italic// are flashbacks while awake. Confusing isn't it? Sorry about that.

Chapter 5. Flashbacks, Illusions and Reality

//He carefully opened the door a little and peeked in. Aya was standing by the window with his back towards him. Ken swallowed and knocked on the door. No response. Slowly he entered the room and stopped a few feet from the frozen man. In the dark Aya looked like a statue, chiseled to perfection by a loving sculptor but the blood that still trailed from a cut just underneath his shoulderblade flawed the image. Ken sighed. He had feelings for that stoic and complicated man but they were doomed to remain hidden forever. It was better to hide them than to come clean and be rejected, and rejected was exactly what he would be if he told the older assassin. Aya didn't feel anything he didn't find absolutely necessary to feel. Carefully Ken approached his team-mate not sure how to get his attention.
"Aya?" he asked just barely loud enough for the other man to hear him. No movement, no answer. "Aya?" he tried again, a little louder.
"Aa." The deep smooth voice was hushed.
"You need to have that wound cleaned." Ken thought he heard Aya sigh but he wasn't sure.
"I can take care of it myself," came the expected bland answer. The redhead always tended to his injuries himself but that one he wouldn't be able to reach. Ken winced, it hurt when Aya always pushed him away making it so clear that his help wasn't wanted or needed.
"Why can't you just let me help you this one time?" the brunette asked with sadness, finally giving voice to how he felt inside. A stoic face was turned to him and amethyst eyes met his.
"Fine," Aya answered callously before he walked over to the bed and sat down. Ken followed and sank down beside the redhead. Strong shoulders and a smooth back faced him as the taller man shifted to give him access to the cut. Carefully Ken started cleaning the wound. It wasn't very deep but it looked nasty due to all the blood. Aya's skin was soft and warm under his fingers, something that the brunette had to struggle to ignore. "Why do you always want to help me?" The sudden question almost caused Ken to fall off the bed. What was he suppose to answer to that?
"Eh… why shouldn't I? You're my friend Aya." The redhead seemed to be contemplating that for a moment.
"Am I? I'm no ones friend Ken," Aya said and Ken could have sworn he heard hurt in that voice.
"Why do you say that?" the brunette frowned and let his hands fall from the taller man's back.
"Dead people don't have friends."
"Aya!" Ken objected harshly and grabbed the redhead's arm. "What are you talking about?" Aya was scaring him now, acting nothing like the bland man he usually was.
"I… I can't feel anything Ken," Aya almost whispered and that time the brunette knew that he heard fear in his voice. He had to do something, he couldn't stand to see and hear his friend act like that.
"Aya, look at me," Ken ordered softly. Slowly the taller man turned around and faced him. "You're as much alive as I am." Amethyst eyes met brown shining with something Ken couldn't make out.
"No I'm not." Aya ran his hand through crimson hair, he was shaking. Without thinking Ken moved closer and pulled the disturbed assassin into his arms half expecting to be pushed away. But instead the redhead clinged to him, almost desperatly. Ken held him and softly mumbled comforting words as Aya cried with his face hidden in the brunette's shirt.//

The world started moving again and Yuki shuddered. Never before had he had a flashback when he was awake and it was a lot diffrent than the ones he had had in his dreams. In his dreams he was outside looking in, now he had been Ken. It was the memory of the first time he had seen any weaknessess in Aya, or any real emotions for that matter and it had meant so much that he was the one who got to see them. Confused but glad about the pieces he could finally grasp the brunette gathered his thoughts. More flashbacks ran through his mind. If he just could show Aya that he did remember some things about the two of them then maybe he could get through to him?
"You once asked me why I hide behind a mask of smiles," he said softly. A tiny shift in the redhead's posture told him that the other man had heard him. "I told you that when I smile at someone they smile back which at least means that I had made someone's life a little better."
"The only way to tell how you really feel is to look you in the eyes," Aya mumbled but didn't turn around.
"That's why I always hide underneath my bangs. I don't want others to see how I really feel. We both wear masks Aya but you used to let yours down when talking to me," the brunette said quietly. Finally the redhead turned around and looked at him. His eyes were sad but his face was still stoic.
"I didn't need to hide from you, you understood and even with my mask in place you always could tell what I really felt inside." The brunette knew that that was true but he had lost that now. Because of the loss of his memories he could no longer tell what Aya felt just by looking him in the eyes.
"I felt the same way with you. Only with you I found myself feeling secure enough to show just how miserable I feel sometimes. Whenever I was sad or when I hurt I only had to look into your eyes, they always told me that I wasn't alone, that you shared my feelings with me." I am Ken, he said to himself. I am Ken because I remember my love for Ran and I remember my fears.
"You always insisted on helping me even though I always pushed you away," Aya sighed. "I think that's why I fell in love with you. You didn't care that I was dead inside instead you let me borrow your sense of feeling. With you I became a human again."
"No, you weren't dead inside Aya. You were always human, you just needed a little help to remember it." The room became silent.
"Ken?"
"Yes," the brunette answered without thinking. For the first time since he had come in contact with his old life it felt right to answer to that name.
"I'm sorry."
"Sorry about what?" Aya hesitated for a moment.
"I'm sorry that I didn't warn you about Kritiker."
"I don't blame you for that Aya. Even if I had died that day I wouldn't have blamed you for it. I know you tried to protect me and I know you were scared." An unsteady hand reached out and he took it.
"Please come back to me Ken," the redhead almost whispered. "I don't want to be Aya anymore, I miss you and I miss us." The brunette swallowed and felt hot tears trail down his cheeks. With one step his body pressed against the redhead's. He wrapped his arms around Ran's slender waist and felt how his body shivered in joy. He didn't remember everything but he was back where he belonged, he was home.

Ken snuggled closer to the warm body next to his and yawned. The best mornings were always those when he woke up next to Ran. With a half lidded eye he took a peek at the time. He was late. Huffing the brunette freed himself from his lover and put his feet on the floor. Omi was probably waiting for him downstairs. Quickly and quietly he left Ran's room to get out of the clothes he had slept in. Some day, he promised himself, I'm not going to have to sneak around in the mornings. After having changed his clothes Ken ran his hands through his messy hair and trotted down to the kitchen. Just as he had expected Omi was there.
"Morning Omi-kun," he smiled and headed straight for the coffee. Big blue eyes stared at him.
"K… Ken?" the slender blonde asked with confusion.
"What's wrong Omi? I'm sorry I'm late, forgot to set the alarm last night," Ken said and rolled his eyes. "I hate having the morning shift on Saturdays." Blue eyes were still staring at him. Then it hit him. It wasn't Saturday and he no longer worked at the Koneko. He had had another of those strange memory-dreams so he had woken up in the illusion that everything was back to normal. Shaking like a leaf Ken sank down on one of the chairs. Even after remembering that Saturday morning his real life was out of his reach.
"Are you alright?"
"Hai, I just forgot that I don't remember," Ken sighed and wondered if Omi understood what he meant.
"You sounded just like you used to," the blonde said quietly. The brunette had to smile at that. He was slowly getting closer to getting some of his life back again.
"I've gotten some of my memories back. Talking to Aya last night triggered something." The sound of footsteps made them both look up. "Aya," Ken smiled and got up. Without thinking or caring what Omi might think he walked up to the redhead and hugged him. For a moment the taller man froze but then he returned the hug.
"Aww." Brown and amethyst eyes stared at Omi who was standing there all starry eyed. Ken chuckled softly and leaned against the warm body he finally could remember, at least to some extension.
"Don't you have school today?" Aya asked the blonde and let go of Ken.
"Baka!" Omi muttered to himself. "I'm late!" In a flash he had grabbed his things and was out the door.
"Still genki I see," Ken smiled and sat down.
"Aa." For a moment they just looked at each other. "Listen… about last night…" the redhead mumbled.
"What about it?" Ken wasn't sure he wanted to hear this.
"I know you don't remember everything and I just don't want you to feel pressured into feeling things that aren't really there."
"What you mean is that I shouldn't pretend that I care for you?" Ken asked quietly and saw how Aya nodded slightly. "How can you even think that I would do something like that to you?" The redhead played with his coffeecup and refused to look up.
"Even after what happened yesterday I just don't know if you're really Ken," Aya admitted and gave him a bland look. So the redhead was back to not showing emotions again?
"All I know is that I'm more Ken than I am Yuki. I don't know if I'll ever be able to remember everything. I can't remember my parents or what I did before I joined Weiss or how old I am but I do remember that I love you…" Ken damned himself. He had probably said too much.
"Don't say those words to me! Not when you don't remember everything!" Aya said harshly. The brunette felt his heart crack. So his words meant nothing just because he couldn't remember everything else? So if his memory never came back completely Aya would never accept his feelings? That made him angry and it hurt so much.
"Fine! You know, a part of me can't understand why Ken fell in love with you. I can't remember ever meeting a person who's as cold, unkind and distant as you!" he screamed with tears in his eyes before he stormed out.

"I'm not going back there again!" Ken stated loudly as he crossed another street. It just hurt too much. Besides, he had said things to Aya that he didn't mean and that were so cruel. Why had he screams such cruel words? Ken bit his lip and shuddered from guilt and shame. Because it was tearing him apart that he couldn't remember, that he couldn't understand the past. Then Aya had snapped at him, rejected those three words and the brunette's heart had just cracked.. Ken whimpered. Was Aya right? Couldn't he love the redhead just because he didn't remember his past, their past? The brunette didn't know but he was getting more and more unsure about everything. He wanted to go back to Montana so that he could be Yuki again. Yuki was plain, well liked, had no blood on his hands and he wasn't in love with Ran or Aya. I want to talk to Kate, Ken sighed inside. He wanted her to hug him and make it all go away. Still crying he stopped and looked around. Where the hell was he? It was cold outside and he didn't have his jacket. Cursing Ken tried to find someone he could ask for directions. His eyes fell on a tall man with green eyes. "Dean," Ken whimpered. This was not good! With panic raising through his body he swirled around and ran as fast as he could. He just had to get away from that man. Panting and sweating he ducked into a store to hide. Dean was bigger than he was but also older so the brunette figured he should have been able to outrun him. Trembling with fear he peeked out from behind shelf. So far no sign of the green eyed man. He wanted to call the Koneko for help but he didn't know the number and he had no money with him. I've sure gotten myself into a real mess this time, Ken cursed to himself. But then didn't he always? The day was turning out to be a real bitch. Growling to himself Ken snuck out through the backdoor and found himself in an alley. Great, he was in some damn alley with no idea of how to get back to the shop. He huffed and started walking. The first time he had ended up at the Koneko his feet had taken him there automaticly but then he hadn't been trying to get there. Now he desperatly needed to get back… home? But the Koneko wasn't home nor was the house where he had lived. And he wasn't allowed to feel at home in Aya's arms. Ken stopped and closed his eyes. Beside that one time when the redhead had asked him to please come back to him and reached out his hand Aya had never really showed that he cared for him. Maybe he didn't? When they had met for the first time in the shop Aya hadn't even tried to touch him, hadn't really showed that he was glad to see his presumed dead lover. Ken winced at the hurt those thoughts brought with them. The previous night the redhead had told him that he had fallen in love with Ken because Ken hadn't cared that he was dead inside. So what if that meant that Aya had only been with him because he needed him? Stop that! the brunette growled inside. But he couldn't stop it. A part of him wanted that easy way out, wanted the truth to be that Aya had used him because if that was true then he could just walk away. Another part screamed in agony at the shear thought of it. Ken was just so very confused.
"I should have stayed in Montana," he mumbled. "I should have been happy being with Kate and Matt, doing my job, riding around in the mountains, teaching the kids how to play soccer." He wanted to go back to Montana, back the place where he was safe, where things were easy and where there was nothing to remind him about Aya and the hurt in his heart. But could he just walk away from the redhead? Or would that be more than he could live with? Ken bit his lower lip. He needed to talk to Aya again, needed to see if there was any chance they could be together again. Sighing deeply he stopped the first person he saw to ask for the way back to the Koneko.

~TBC~

I don't really like how this chapter ended up. *pouts* But oh well there it is. And a small note to the flashback Yuki/Ken had. I went back and forth trying to decide just what the flashback would be and I decided that that one must have been rather important to Ken. It was after all the very first time he got close to Ran/Aya. Oh and from now on I will call Ken Ken and not Yuki. There will be other in future chapter who will call him Yuki though. Next chapter is from Ran/Aya's POV and should be done in under week or so. /Ja Atsureki