Scene three take 1. Alanna FINALLY shows up. It's really dark and murky and there's a shadowy looking sunken ship.
Director: wow, nice job on the set this time, Elie.
Producer: yes I know. Amazing isn't it?
Director: yeah, it looks- wait.
Producer: [who's acting sooo innocent all of a sudden…] what?
Director: Elie…
Producer: yes?
Director: if we've never been able to afford, well, ANYTHING before, how can we afford this now?
Producer: ummm…I shot the guy who owned it…
Director: you are SO gonna get arrested.
Producer: hey, it was cheaper that way.
Director: at least we have a set I suppose…
Producer: yes, you should be grateful…and by the way-
Director: here it comes…
Producer: I had to fire the cameraman.
Director: [who's madder than a cow on steroids right now] BUT WE JUST HIRED HIM…WHY DO WE NEED TO FIRE HIM ALREADY?
Producer: we needed to buy more oxygen tanks…and I needed more bullets.
Director: Elie, I'm sure you're doing the Lord/Lady of Hell a great favor by providing clients but please, no more unnecessary killings
Producer: fine…but I won't be happy….
Director: watch me care. Anyway, we need a new cameraman now. Raoul?
Raoul: fine, but I don't know how to work a camera…
Director: you'll figure it out, you just have to press 'ON' when I say "Action" and turn it off when I say "Cut"…I just realized how pathetic this production is…
Alanna: for the love of the Moon! We finally get to a scene with ME in it and we're STILL not filming me!!!!!
Director: alright, ACTION!
Raoul: I can't find the button…
Director: give me that, yeesh. If you want something don't right…ACTION! [turns on camera herself]
Ariel [Alanna] finally gets to appear. She swims up to the sunken ship. Tagging along is her faithful fish, Flounder, played by, of course, Faithful!
Alanna: [who's absolutely ecstatic that she finally gets to say her lines! Yipeee!] *points at sunken ship* look at that Flounder! Isn't it fantastic? Hold on, that is such a ditzy line, can we change it?
Director: no, now keep going for once!
Faithful: why am I a flounder? Wait, forget that, why am I even a fish?!
Director: because…we needed someone to play her faithful companion and since you were already her 'faithful'
Faithful: make fun of my name again and I'll claw your eyes out…
Director: ok, ok, her 'loyal' companion in the past, I figured I might as well use you now.
Faithful: but I was a CAT.
Producer: and now you're a fish
Director: yeah, it's not that hard to figure out you know
Alanna: can we get on with this? and my lines better bloody improve…
Director: sorry, but they're all pretty ditzy like that.
Alanna: why am I in this movie again?
Jon: [lying on a hospital bed with wheels, he's completely bandaged and kind of looks like a mummy] because this is your punishment for cutting off Sir Adam's, well let's just say you cut off something of his that NO man should have cut off…
Raoul: yeah, I was there and ouch…
Alanna: I still say he deserved it…
Gary: what did he even do?
Raoul: Sneezed on her.
Alanna: I don't want his germs! And there were boogers [would the British call them boogers?] all over my chain mail…
Raoul: the man had a cold Alanna, a cold…
Alanna: it's still no excuse.
Gary: but it's still an excuse for you to cut of his-
Alanna: yes.
Director: did they sew it back on?
Jon: Duke Baird tried…
Raoul: I heard it hangs on an angle
George:[also in a hospital cart, his knives have all been taken away…we think] I heard he pisses gold
Gary: I heard he can never have children again.
Producer: well that's a given.
Alanna: he still deserved it! He tried to grope me!
Raoul: he bumped into you…
Jon: admit it, you did it because he said girls were useless and should stay at homes to make babies…
Director: he said THAT?
Producer: to ALANNA?
Raoul: that wasn't very bright.
Alanna: haha…look who can make babies now you watery tart…
George:I guess he did deserve it…
Jon: but Alanna always overreacts. I remember one time while we were together-
Alanna: you know king, it wouldn't be wise to insult someone who's supposed to rescue you in one scene…
Jon: you can't let me drown! You HAVE to-
Alanna: that's what you think…
George:haha
Director: STOP! We've successfully wasted an hour-
Producer: actually three hours, your watch is broken…
Goerge: she's not wearing a watch. She's lying.
Director: quiet you.
George:but you're not wearing a watch…
Director: that's because you stole it!
George:oh yeah, I did, didn't I.
Alanna: I thought you said you'd stop when we got married!
George:I can't help it! it was sooo easy-
Producer: alright, alright, shut up all of you! DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH MONEY THIS SET IS COSTING US?
Director: nothing, you shot the guy you got it from, remember?
Producer: well, then the film is expensive…
Director: fine, let's try it again. Alanna, you have ditzy lines. Faithful, you're a…fish. GET OVER IT. Action!
Scene three, take two. Alanna and Faithful are 'dealing with it' and swimming towards the sunken ship.
Alanna: let's see what's inside Flounder!…[mutters to herself] of all the stupid-
Director: [gritting teeth] keep going…
Faithful: but we can't go in there Ariel! It's dangerous!
Alanna: you can't tell me what to do you stupid fish!
Director: that's not your line!
Alanna: FINE. C'mon Flounder, stop being such a guppy…
Both of them swim into the ship. The camera starts to follow them and then suddenly stops…
Director: now what…
Raoul: umm…the camera won't fit into the ship…
Director: what do you mean it won't fit!
Raoul: it's too big to get in through the cracks…
Director: so what do we do NOW, oh great assistant?
George:we could always…take the ship apart and build it around the camera.
All: *blink blink*
Director: or not.
Alanna: just cut a hole in the damn ship!
Director: but then it'll sink…
Alanna: IT DID SINK!
Director: fine. George, you cut the hole.
George:why me?
Director: you have a knife, actually you have SEVERAL knives.
George:no I don't-, oh, what's the point in lying.
Scene three take 3. George cuts a hole in the side of the ship. Everyone's inside. Alanna swims to the back of the ship and picks up a fork.
Alanna: isn't this amazing!
Flounder: what is it?
Alanna: I don't know but Scuttle will!…[mutters] it's a fork jackass….
Director: [from offstage] you're not supposed to know that! By the way, who's playing Scuttle Elie?
Producer: we'll get to him when we get to him…
Director: oh crap monkey…keep going!
Alanna: [swims farther into the ship, picks up a smoking pipe] what do you suppose this is?
Faithful: I don't know but we should be getting out of here soon…
Alanna: [in a really mocking tone, she sounds like she's been smoking something…] oh Flounder, what could go wrong?
Five minutes of silence pass.
Alanna: AHEM…I SAID, oh Flounder, what could go wrong?
Director: CUE THE DAMN SHARK!
George:he's in his trailor pouting…
Director: who plays the shark?
Producer: Alex of Tirragon.
Director: I thought he DIED.
Producer: well, I brought him back to life with an ancient voodoo spell. It's cheaper than hiring someone alive!
Director: oh good goddess…fine. But why is he not here?!
George:he says the shark suit makes him look fat.
Director: of course it makes him look fat! HE'S A SHARK!
Alanna: tell him if he doesn't get his anorexic ass out here I'll kill him a second time!
George:[delivers message and comes back] he says at least he'll be thin in hell. All bones and stuff…
Alanna: wait, if you get sent to hell, wouldn't you be punished?
Director: probably, yes. Why?
Alanna: well, tell him that if he doesn't come out here NOW, I'll kill him a second time, make sure he gets into hell, and make sure his eternal punishment is to be FAT!
George:oohhhhh, good one!
George returns with Alex.
Alex: [pouting] you're mean.
Alanna: well, YOU tried to kill me.
Alex: well YOU actually DID kill me!
Alanna: only because you tried to kill me first-
Director: argue a little longer and I'll allow the Producer to shoot you.
Producer: please argue…please [wringing her hands maniacally]
Alex: I'm done.
Alanna: I'm not. [Producer pulls out gun…]…but I'll pretend to be.
Director: good. Now let's continue before Alex sees his reflection and realizes how fat that suit makes him look.
Alex: what?!
Director: Nothing. ACTION!
Raoul: I…um…can't find the switch again…
Director: we've been over this Raoul. It's the red switch. It's always been the red switch. It will always BE the red switch. Got it?
Raoul: yes madam.
Director: good. Now then, ACTION!
Scene three take 4. Alanna/Ariel says her ditzy line about nothing being able to go wrong. Then, of course, something goes wrong. The shadow of the shark appears and then the shark crashes through the window. I said, AND THEN THE SHARK CRASHES THROUGH THE WINDOW. Oh for the love of…
Director: Alex.
Alex: yes?…
Director: why aren't you crashing through the window?
Alanna: yeah, the anticipation is killing me…
Director: cut the sarcasm Alanna. But seriously, why ARE YOU NOT crashing through that window!?
Alex: [whining] it'll hurt…
Director: what will?
Alex: the glass…
George:You're afraid of the glass? You?
Jon: Has it COME to your attention that YOU are wearing a 20-layer thick SHARK SUIT?
Alex: so? What if a sliver-
Director: [screaming like a madwoman] A SLIVER!?!
Alex: slivers are small. They could get through a hole in the suit or get into my eye-
Director: alright, shut up. [takes a DEEP breath] Alex. Alex, Alex, Alex. First of all, Jon and George are right. YOU ARE WEARING A TWENTY LAYER THICK SUIT-
Alex: that makes me look fat-
Director:YES. THAT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT. Secondly, THAT GLASS ISN'T EVEN REALLY GLASS!
George:yeah, isn't it supposed to be rock candy or some special kind of plastic?
Producer: not even. The plastic was too expensive so I tried to make one out of rock candy but then Faithful ate it-
Faithful: I was hungry-
Director: See Alex! We're SOOOO under budgeted that it isn't even REAL! With my luck, it's probably just plastic wrap!
Producer: yes, actually. It is. It's soooo cheap. Did you know you can buy 100 rolls for ten dollars?
Jon: why would you need 100 rolls of plastic wrap…
Gary: you might need to wrap a lot of vegetables.
Raoul: yeah, that would actually be very useful at the next banquet Jon. So much food goes to waste because of those damn ladies who refuse to eat anything because they're afraid they won't fit into their damn corsets-
Alanna: kind of like Alex!
Alex: Hey, it's not a bloody corset! It's a sword-proof vest I wear under my tunic.
Alanna: oh yeah? Then why did my SWORD pierce through it and kill you?
Alex: because…because you have a magic sword!
Alanna: so? What's the use of having a sword-proof vest if it can't protect you against magic swords?
Alex: your logic's flawed…
Alanna: you're flawed!
Director: YOU'RE BOTH FLAWED!!! And Alex I don't care if you wear a damn bra, crash through the bloody window! NOW.
Alex: fine. No need to be short with me…
Director: I'll short you…
Producer: STOP ARGUING! IT'S COSTING US MORE AND MORE MONEY ON THE SHARK SUIT!
Director: Don't yell at me! I'm the DIRECTOR. Anyway, it's Alex's fault.
Producer: I don't care! We're still wasting money!
Director: we're ALWAYS wasting money…but fine. Alex crash through the window; Alanna and Faithful, run away screaming. ACTION!
Alanna: what's my motivation?
Director: [ready to bite someone] mo.ti.va.tion. for what?
Alanna: for running away screaming. Alex isn't very terrifying you know.
Director: he will be in that fat suit
Alex: [about to cry] hey!
Director: I don't want to hear it.ACTION!
Scene three take 5, I think. Oh who cares anymore. Alex FINALLY crashes through the window. He chases Alanna and Faithful while they pretend to be afraid. Alanna doesn't seem like she's afraid though. She's mocking him and pirouetting around him. Uh-oh…I think Alex has been enraged…
Alanna: come and get me you massive tub of lard-
Alex: THAT'S IT!!! [dives for her and misses]
Alanna: la la la la la la, Alex cannot get me, for he is too chunky…
Alex: [gnashing his teeth] I WILL RIP YOU TOO SHREADS!!!!
Alex keeps trying to dive for Alanna but she keeps swimming away. I think he's trying to eat her…
Alex:[with a demonic look in his eyes] I may not have killed you the first time but I'll get it right THIS TIME!!!!
Director: oh good goddess.
George:he DOES remember that he's only playing a shark, RIGHT? RIGHT?
Producer: I don't know anymore.
Director: the footage will be excellent though.
Alex dives again and this time he manages to bite of a rather large chunk of Alanna's tail fin. This is getting ugly…
Producer: HEY! That was expensive! Do you KNOW how much that's going to cost to repair?!
Director: Producer, I think that may be the least of our concerns for some reason…
Jon: yeah, Alex looks like a mad cow…
Raoul: on steroids.
George:help my wife dammit!
Director: alright, alright, no need to get all shirty…
George:I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO! A man in a FAT shark suit is trying to eat her!
Alex dives again and tries to swallow Alanna whole.
Director: something tell me calling him 'fat' is NOT the best idea in the world…anybody have any ideas how to calm him down?
Producer: Shoot him.
Director: No. any ideas that WON'T get us completely arrested?
Gary: completely?
Director: don't twist my words.
Jon: I remember as a kid he was pretty eccentric but now that he's a dead-man-brought-back-to-life-in-a-fat-shark-suit, he's gone completely mad.
Gary: well when you put it like that…
Alex tries to swallow Alanna again. She seems rather distraught right now…
Alanna: stop calling him FAT and help me!!!!!
Director: oh dear…would someone give her a sword already!
Producer: well, she can't try to slash him!
Alanna: [while frantically swimming away from the madman Alex] and why the bloody hell not?
Producer: he's still in the suit and do you know how expensive it would be to buy another-
Director: no, but I DO know how expensive a funeral would be!!!
Producer: fine, fine. But we don't have any swords around…
Director: Great.
Alanna: can I use anything I want to hurt him?
Director: I don't see why not…
Alanna swims back into the ship, Alex follows crashing through everything. There is a moment of silence. George is getting ready to maul Alex. Suddenly there's screaming and we see Alex swimming like his ass is on fire out of the ship. Alanna follows soon behind. Oh look, she's found something to cause grievous harm to him with…
Jon: what's she got?
Director: I think it's a…harpoon.
Producer: that's great. That's just great. Harpoon holes are always so expensive to sew back up-
Director: QUIET YOU.
Jon: HOLY MITHROS!
Raoul: she just harpooned him!!!
Director: He looks like a rather grotesque lollipop. Ewww….the blood is getting everywhere. Oohhh…the water's turning pink…
Gary: since I'm the medic, should I help him or something?
Producer: don't bother. It would be a waste of bandages.
Director: yeah, he's pretty dead.
Alanna: I got him right through the-
George:we SAW where you harpooned him, Alanna.
Director: excellent aim.
Jon: ouch, this is Sir Adam all over again.
Alanna: No it's not, it's completely different. Adam merely insulted me. Alex tried to EAT me.
Gary: so why'd they both get punished in the same way?
Alanna: Again, it was NOT the same. I used a sword on Adam. I HARPOONED Alex.
George:it just goes to show something killed by Alanna should STAY that way…
Jon: yeah, like Roger…
Raoul: that was such a mess to clean up
Gary: which death? The first or second?
Raoul: pick one! The first time we had to deoxidize the entire castle because of that weird orange cloud.
Jon: that cost so much-
Gary: and it made the castle smell soooo bad. Roger HAS to watch what he's eating…
Raoul: yeah, but the second time she killed him she nearly brought the whole damn castle down!
Jon: I had to pay for so much reconstruction, couldn't you have killed him in a less apocalyptic way?
Alanna: it wasn't my fault! He tried to kill me!
Jon: that's your excuse for everything!
Alanna: because EVERYTHING tries to kill me!!!
Jon: Adam didn't.
Alanna: THAT WAS DIFFERENT!
Director: enough! Will someone please just get his rotting corpse out of here…it's stinking up the place.
Producer: great, now I'll have to pay for dry cleaning to get the blood out…
Director: you're not seriously going to give back a suit that belonged to a dead guy?!
Producer: and why the hell not? It's cheaper than-
Director: alright! Fine! I get it! [mutters] damn pinch penny production….
Producer: I can TOTALLY hear you.
Director: no you can't.
George:can I say 'cut'?
Director: no.
George:why not?
Director: I'm the director, that's why. It's a privilege.
George:I'm saying it anyway. CUT!
Director: no! [turns camera back on] ACTION! And now, CUT!
George:[mutters] stupid overbearing meglomaniac…
Director: I'll pretend I didn't hear you
George:but you did so you're a liar.
Director: fine you whining little pile of something really…hot. Say it if it makes you happy. [turns camera back on]
George:well now the moment's passed.
Producer: YOU'RE WASTING FILM. PRECIOUS EXPENSIVE FILM!
George:alright, calm down…ahem…CUT!
Director: happy?
George:very much so.