When I Don't Remember

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : I still don't own them, sorry…

Warnings : Yaoi, Lemon (future chapters), OCC, angst (as usual), me being a bastard…

Notes : Stuff written in Italic are thoughts or letters, //No Italic// are flashbacks while awake.

Chapter 6. Back To Square One

Aya stared at the wall and sighed deeply. He just didn't know what to do, what to feel anymore. When Ken had showed up at the Koneko he had froze completely. The only thing he had been able to get out was the brunette's name and then that damn mask of blandness had taken over. It wasn't something he was proud of but it was all he had been able to do. When Manx had told him that Ken was dead Ran had been placed in some sort of vacuum. At first he had panicked at the thought of being anywhere where he could be reminded of his lost lover. He had tried to leave Weiss but Yoji had stopped him. After that he had just… died. Ran had died because Ran couldn't exist without Ken, so he had been forced to go back to being Aya, but Aya didn't want to be Aya, Aya wanted to be Ran again. The redhead rubbed his face. It felt as if he was lost in some stupid dream that he couldn't wake up from. Ken was alive but was he Ken? Aya frowned slightly. Yes and no, the man who had appeared looked like Ken, sounded like Ken, felt like Ken, tasted like Ken, smelled like Ken but Aya hesitated at really stating that he was Ken. Why? Because I've already lost him once, the redhead sighed inside. What if he isn't Ken?What if he never becomes Ken? What if he never remembers and instead realizes that he doesn't love me the way Ken does, did? I can't stand losing him again and I can't stand only having a part of Ken back. I want it all, I want the Ken that died a year and a half go. Aya sighed deeply and swallowed. He was scared, scared that he had lost his lover and then been given him back just to lose him all over again. That was something he just couldn't stand. There were diffrences between the 'real' Ken and the one who had stormed out from the kitchen that morning. The latter one dressed completely diffrent. Instead of torn baggy jeans and sloppy sweaters this Ken wore snug pants and well ironed shirts. Sure he looked good in both types of clothes but that wasn't the issue. The well-dressed Ken was wrong. But the biggest change was the one in Ken's eyes. Gone was the innocent fire, the warm smiling and the slight clumsiness that was so adorable. Besides that, the 'new' Ken was also a lot more closed up, he didn't wear his heart on his sleeve and sometimes his face was so formal. The 'real' Ken could be hard, especially during mission, but this formalness wasn't the same thing. It almost looked as if this 'new' Ken had a bit of Aya in him and that wasn't something the redhead wanted to see. Since they had become lovers he had learnt to read Ken in a way that still surprised him but this 'new' Ken was a lot harder to read, his eyes hid things the redhead wasn't even sure he wanted to see. Aya rose from his seat and walked through the corridore. Just a few hours earlier Ken had ran out of the kitchen in tears. His last words still echoed in the redhead's head. 'You know, a part of me can't understand why Ken fell in love with you. I can't remember ever meeting a person who's as cold, unkind and distant as you! ' Oh God how it had hurt to hear those words falling from Ken's lips. But what hurt even more was that the 'real' Ken never would have said them simply because Ran had never acted that way towards his lover making comments like that necessary. Aya was cold and unkind but Ran had always been tender and kind. It was true that even as Ran the redhead wasn't warm and friendly to most others but always to his lover. This was getting him nowhere. Aya headed for his room, but stopped when he reached Ken's door. Slowly he pushed it open and walked in. He had spent so many nights in that bed both with and without Ken. Those nights when he couldn't fall asleep because he missed his lover too much he had laid down on Ken's bed, curled up into a ball thightly hugging that orange sweater that the brunette usually wore around his waist. Aya had forgotten how many times he had cried himself to sleep with his face hidden in that sweater. Yoji had tried to get him to get rid of Ken's things but Aya had refused. The brunette's room had been his sanctuary, and still looked exactly as it had that day when Ken left for Osaka. Of course the redhead had understood that it was unhealthy to hang on to the past but it was all he had had left. For a moment Aya's mind pulled away to that night when he had tried to leave.

//"Where are you going Ran?!" The redhead turned around and glared at the lanky blonde standing there.
"None of your business Kudou," he scowled at his team-mate.
"Are you just going to give up on everything?!" Yoji growled with anger and fought to calm himself down. "Look, we're all upset about Ken but we have to move on. We can't just die with him, Ken wouldn't have wanted us to do that," the blonde added with a much softer tone.
"You don't know a thing about what Ken wanted," Ran croaked out and suddenly everything just came crashing down around him. "He's dead… I… was… on my way to… get him when…when…" the redhead studdered as he wept. "…Manx called. He's… he's gone Yoji. He's not coming back again." He couldn't take it, couldn't hide from the truth anymore. Ken was dead, gone forever. The lanky playboy was staring at him with surprise and confusion in his green eyes. "I just… want him back… again. Please?" Ran pleaded and sank to his knees. "Please, just… bring him back to me. I… don't want to… to… face one more… one more day without him. I… don't… don't think I can." Yoji kneeled beside the man who never before had showed any real feelings and pulled him close.
"Sch Ran," he mumbled and hugged the trembling body of their fearless leader. "I miss him too but you can't leave us Ran. We need you and you need us."
"I… I… need Ken… I… need… him to… to… come back," the redhead sobbed and hid his face in Yoji's shirt.
"We all need Ken. I know he was special to you Ran but…" the lanky blonde said with confusion. Ran managed to calm down his crying a little and pushed himself away from Yoji.
"I… I love, loved him," the red haired assassin mumbled quietly and looked up to meet the blonde's eyes. "Ken and I… were… lovers." Just saying that word, lovers, sent new tears pouring down his pale cheeks.//

Aya shook his head as he pulled away from the memory. Yoji hadn't been completely shocked when he found out that Ran and Ken had been lovers but none the less it had been a surprise. Omi had already known, how Aya wasn't sure but he guessed that Ken had told the petit blonde. After that the redhead had hidded away his heartache, sorrow and despair behind that cold mask he was so good at putting up, but when he was alone it all came back. Yoji had wanted Ran to stay with them but the truth was that Ran was gone and instead Aya had come back. For months his two team-mates tip-toed around him while he got more and more difficult to be around. During missions he had been careless and several times Yoji and Omi had been forced to throw themselves between their leader and guards or targets just so he didn't get himself killed. Manx had talked to him, begged him to do something about the state he was in but it hadn't mattered to Aya. All that had mattered was the painfull fact that the one person he loved was gone and that it was his fault. If he would have left for Osaka earlier he could have saved Ken. It had taken him almost a year before he was numb enough inside to get his work done like he should. He no longer put himself at risk during missions but it wasn't because he cared, it was because he didn't know what else to do. Aya shook his head and left Ken's room. That night at The Insatiable he had given into the longing and it had felt so good. At last he had had his lover in his arms again but when they left and Ken told him about the dreams he had Aya had been painfully reminded that that man wasn't his Ken. He didn't know which was worse, having Ken back without him remembering everything or when he had thought the brunette was dead. He was just so confused, lost and felt so lonely. When Ken had talked to him the night before Aya had cracked. It had been too much for him to hear Ken talk about memories that they shared together. So he had pleaded to the brunette to please come back to him but after that his head started filling him with doubts again. The next morning Aya had felt guilty, almost as if he was betraying the 'real' Ken by seeking comfort in the 'new' Ken's arms.
"This is ridiculous!" Aya said firmly as he sank down on his own bed. All his thinking only lead him further into a maze of questions he didn't have any answers to. Why couldn't he just stop being so damn unsure and just help Ken get his memory back? It was after all what he really wanted. But would the brunette accept his help after the harsh remark he had made earlier that day? Not very likely. Aya knew he would have to apologize for his behaviour and he better do it fast before he lost his nerve. Sighing deeply the redhead got up and made his way downstairs. To his surprise he found Yoji and Omi in the kitchen, hugging each other. The lanky blonde's eyes were confused and angry and his shorter team-mate was crying. Aya gave the older man a look filled with questions.
"He's gone," was the only thing Yoji said as he cradled Omi in his arms.

Ken was gone, again. Aya bit his lip and shook his head. Couldn't life ever be easy?
"Manx came over to talk to Ken a few hours ago," Yoji said quietly as he stroke Omi over the hair. "They were talking for a long time before she left. When Ken came back he was upset and looked scared."
"He said he was going back to Montana," Omi mumbled and dried his tears. Aya just stared at them. He didn't understand, refused to believe that Ken was gone again.
"He left this for you," the lanky playboy sighed and handed the redhead a letter.
"Who called Manx?!" Aya demanded to know and glared at his team-mates.
"I did, the same day Ken came back," Omi admitted and winced when the redhead's cold eyes met his.
"Aya stop that! You don't even know what they were talking about." Aya scowled and hugged the letter.
"I'm sorry Aya-kun," the short blonde mumbled. The redhead gave him one last glare before he turned around and walked away. If Ken had left it was most likely because of what he had said to him earlier that day. Aya cursed himself. How stupid was a person allowed to be? Still holding the letter in a deathgrip he locked himself inside his room and sank down on the bed. Shaking he opened it and started reading.

Aya,

What you said this morning was true. I was feeling pressured into feeling things that weren't really there, that I can't remember. I shouldn't have said that I love you because I don't. I know Ken does but I'm not Ken, I'll probably never be him again. My doctor back in Montana told me that I might never get my memory back and I'm starting to think he was right. It's been such a long time and I still can't remember much of anything. It'll be better for both of us if I just leave and go back home where I belong. There's someone waiting for me there that I care a lot about, someone who doesn't know about my past. I've talked to Manx and she's willing to let me go. I'll never be Ken again but Takayuki isn't such a bad guy either. I'm sorry I showed up and caused all of you so much trouble. Please forgive me for that.

Yuki

If someone would have carved out Aya's heart with a spoon it wouldn't have hurt nearly as much as reading that letter did. Things were back to square one. He had lost Ken all over again, just as he had feared, but this time Ken had even told him that he didn't love him. Aya hugged himself and tried to understand what just had happened. The letter had said that there was someone waiting for Ken back in Montana. So he had been replaced, Ken loved someone else. But what about all the things the brunette had said? The fire and love had been there when they had kissed, hadn't it?
"Aya?" The redhead looked up. "Aya open the door!"
"Go away Yoji!" he barked.
"Open the door Fujimiya!" the blonde yelled and pounded on the door. "I think you want this!"
"Want what?" Aya muttered but unlocked the door. Yoji came in and handed the redhead a packet. "What's this?"
"It was just delivered, it's from Ken," the blonde said quietly. Aya's hands shook as he opened the packet. It was the brunette's orange sweater and the necklace he had given to Ken. So it was really over? The last thing connecting them had been returned, rejected.

The Koneko was quiet, almost empty. The few customers that had dared to stay made sure they kept their voices down. Ten minutes earlier Aya had thrown a fit, flipped out completely. He just couldn't take it anymore. Those damn school-girls were driving him insane with their constant babbling and flirting. He had a headache, a heartache and hadn't slept for days. Two weeks had dragged themselves past the redhead since that day when Ken left and time didn't make life any easier.
"Aya-kun?" a soft voice ask carefully.
"Hai Omi." Aya really tried to be a little nicer to his team-mates especially Omi, who felt so bad for calling Manx. It wasn't their fault Ken had left nor that his life sucked.
"Why don't you just let me close today. You look so tired." Normally the redhead would have scowled at that but Omi was right, he was tired, so very tired.
"Are you sure you'll be alright by yourself?" he asked and almost managed to smile a little at the genki youth.
"Hai Aya-kun. Go for a walk or something." The older assassin ruffled the blonde mop of hair and nodded.
"I think I'll go visit Aya-chan," he sighed and left the shop. His sister always listened to him, she always had. Slowly he entered his car and sighed. Ken had always listened to him too. Frowning he pushed his thoughts away and drove the familier road to where he'd find his sister. He had been there so many times he could have gone there in his sleep. He parked in his usual place and walked past the gates. The day was warm and the smell from flowers fresh. There she was, smiling at him as usual. Aya sat down infront of his sister and ran a finger over her cheek.
"I'm sorry I haven't been to see you for a while," he said softly and put a single red rose, he had brought from the shop, between them. "I don't know what to do anymore Aya-chan. I miss him so much and it hurts even more that I know he has someone else now. He even gave back the necklace." As if to prove to her he was telling the truth Aya pulled out the two necklaces he wore. "A part of me really wants to go to Montana and… check on him but I'm scared he'll push me away. What do you think I should do?" As usual she didn't answer, she never did. She listened but never said anything and she never would. Sighing sadly Aya caressed the face of his lost sister. She smiled so happily at him from the picture that was inbedded in the white tombstone. Aya had picked it all out himself of course, the stone, the picture, the two little angels that sat on each corner and the two roses crossing each other over her name. That stone had cost a fortune but it was all he had left of his sister so it was worth it. "I'm gonna get going Aya-chan but I'll be back soon I promise," the redhead sighed and caressed her cheek one more time before he got up.

Ken's room was empty, naked except for two things. Aya had left his former lover's bed and the orange sweater. Those two things were all he had left now except for the necklace. He slept in there when he actually managed to sleep which wasn't very often. Aya sighed and hugged the sweater with longing. He knew he looked awful with his hallowed eyes, he had lost weight and was paler than ever. Yoji and Omi worried about him and he really tired to take care of himself but his body was fighting against him. Somehow he had to crawl out of the pit he was in but how? He didn't understand how it had gotten so bad. Sure he missed Ken and he was heartbroken over that the brunette had left him but was it reason enough to fall apart so completely? After all Ken was still alive, probably happy. Or was that perhaps the reason why he felt so miserable? The redhead didn't know. What he did know howerever was that he needed closure. There were too many lose strings still left hanging between him and Ken. But in order to tie those up he needed to go to Montana and that was not something appealing to the redhead. He was, as he had told his sister, scared that he would be pushed away, rejected again.
"Aya-kun." Aya looked up and saw Yoji and Omi standing in the doorway.
"Aa?"
"It's been three months, we think this has gone on for long enough now," the lanky blonde said and came in. "I'll be the first to say that I wanted you to be a little more human but seriously Aya… you can't keep this up." The redhead scowled slightly and huffed. Trust the playboy to stick his nose where it didn't belong.
"Still sticking your nose were it don't belong Kudou?" he growled.
"Now that's the Aya we all know and love," Yoji smiled sweetly at him. "We all know you're not my biggest fan but I'm worried, you're falling apart. Manx has put Weiss on hold for a few months, she's afraid you'll get yourself killed if she sends us on a mission." Aya snorted. Live with a dead heart, die with a dead heart, what was the diffrence?
"Get out!" he muttered darkly and turned his back to them.
"Aya-kun please let us help you," Omi pleaded.
"Get! Out!"
"No! You're going to pack your things in a little suitcase and get your icey ass to the airport in… ten hours. We're taking a little trip!" Yoji said with his voice forcefull and stubborn.
"I'm not going anywhere Kudou!" Aya snapped and turned around again.
"Don't mess with me Fujimiya, I'm not in the mood! We are going to Montana to sort out this mess whether you like it or not!" Baffled amethyst eyes met green.
"Montana?"
"Yes. Now are you gonna come on your own or do I have to drag your skinny ass there?" Yoji asked and tapped his foot on the floor.

~TBC~

Well this chapter is gonna get me killed. *whines* I'm sorry ppl! You might find Ran/Aya's thinking a bit messy but please bare in mind he is very confused and scared about the whole Yuki/Ken situation.

And last but not least in any way what so ever! A shitload of thanks and glomps to Jin and fei who are just the best! I'm serious here. *nods* Um unless they both kill me after this chapter that is…/Ja Atsureki