Act IV: Le Grande Finale
Snake's Apartment, 10:30 A.M.
Colonel- Well Snake, I came like you asked me to.
Snake- What? What the hell are you talking about?
Colonel- Remember, you asked me to come here, because you solved the recent incidents.
Snake- Oh, right. Yeah, let's go solve it, but first I have to eat some cereal.
Colonel- Snake, I think the case is more important.
Snake- No, Captain Crunch is. If I don't eat in the morning, I'm usually cranky the rest of the day, and then I usually shoot someone in anger.
Colonel- Fine. Eat your damn cereal. Then we'll go.
The Big Meeting Room in Otacon's Apartment, 11:56
Snake- Ahem. Hello everyone, I'm Snake. As you may know, during the past few days I've been investigating a mystery. Now, to get you all up to speed, I'll have Colonel here explain it all.
Colonel- Thanks Snake. Ok everyone, last Muesday, Snake was attacked in a glowing alleyway by a man wearing a Chuck Norris mask outside the enema clinic. After that, he woke up in a dumpster, and then walked out into the street. On the street, he was attacked by two men wearing Chuck Norris masks. During the next little while, me and Snake began to investigate. We discovered that Dustin Diamond was at the clinic, and was killed there the night of the attack, and no one noticed. We followed Dustin's connection to a movie studio, where Snake was visited by a shadowy figure who told him that the truth of this whole matter involved the Metal Gear movies. Snake decided to go talk to Hernando Rivers, the man who directed the 2nd Metal Gear movie. When we got there, Hernando was dead and we found a mysterious burned script.
Snake- Thank you Colonel, that's enough. Now everyone, I'm sure you're curious to how I figured out this crime. I'm sure all of you have had some theories, and I'm sure they're all terribly wrong. So I, the great Snake, will solve this crime for you. Ahem.
My first major clue was when that freak Raiden told me his part of the story.
"Well...you got out of the dumpster and walked onto the street. Before I knew it, two men wearing Chuck Norris masks walk up behind you, and begin beating you up with these strange purple bats. I didn't want them to stop horribly beating you, so I stood in the shadows and watched."
See, purple bats. I knew to take note of it, because it was very peculiar. My next major clue came from the enema clinic list of guests.
"Mueday Guest Lists
Otacon 6:30 P.M. Revolver Ocelot 7:15 P.M. Otacon 8:00 P.M. Bill Cosby 9:00 P.M. ALF 9:45 P.M. Biggie Bandit 10:15 P.M. Dustin Diamond 10:35 P.M. Otacon 11:00 P.M. Colonel 11:02 P.M."
Notice anything unusual? I certainly did. No, while Otacon going to the enema clinic three times in one night is unusual, it's not the clue I'm talking about. I'll come back to this later, it plays a major part in the solution.
Now, the clue that basically broke this thing opened for me was the script at Hernando's house. Hernando was working on a new film, and this new film starred Dustin Diamond. Trust me on this one. And it's not the Saved by the Bell movie either. Here, look at this list of movies being filmed at the studio:
"Film ------- Dr. Machiko's Wild Ride - Studio 8 Horrorland- Studio 16 Jaws 9: Jaws Jr. - Studio 9 Moogilla - Studio 3 Horse Radish 2 - Studio 2 Dune Buggie Bandits - Studio 4 Saved by the Bell: The Movie - Studio 15 Pepsi Presents: Citizen Kane 2 - Studio 20"
Hmmm...I noticed something quickly that help prove my theory. Look at the names carefully.
Now, look at this, I knew that the killers had to kill Hernando for a reason, and I know why. The reason, was the script. This script was the movie Hernando was filming, and the film that ties this all together. Just look at this piece of the script we found:
INT- A BEACH
BIGGIE- Come on Buggie, let's get this dune buggie across the border.
BUGGIE- Yeah, let's roll this sucker!
SCREECH- I don't know guys...what if the cops are watching!
Look, Dustin Diamond was in this film, playing his loveable character Screech from Saved by the Bell. But wait, look at the other two names of the script...seem familiar...they should!
And now, here's something that should help tie it together. During the investigation, I talked to the owner of the theatre in town. And here's the big bombshell that blew the case wide open for me:
"Well...I got a note from his studio company about a week ago, he's making a movie called "Dune Buggie Bandits" and he wanted to know if my theatre would show it. I told him no, who'd pay to see a Chuck Norris movie."
Look at the name...Dune Buggie Bandits...The name Buggie was in the script. Fernando was directing Dune Buggie Bandits at the studio which starred Dustin Diamond and Chuck Norris. You see, three men were supposed to attack me that night: Dustin Diamond, Chuck Norris, and someone else. But something went wrong, and Dustin ended up dead. But before we find out why Dustin was killed, let's discover who this mysterious third attacker is. It's really quite simple to find out who actually, he's my mortal enemy, I got a pretty good clue right from Colonel:
"While I was reading the newspaper, they talked about Burt Reynold's new movie. It really made me mad, because, I hate the guy. They said his new movie's about robbers or something, probaly just another Smokie and the Bandits rip-off."
And there it is. Burt Reynolds was the other co-star in the movie. Him, Chuck Norris, and Dustin Diamond all came to the clinic that one day and tried to kill me. How do I know they were there? Look at the list of guests at the clinic that day. One of them is "Buggie Bandit", Burt Reynold's character in the film. He used a fake name at the clinic. So know that I cracked the case, there's still one thing left: Why did they do it? Come on everyone, let's go to Chuck Norris's house.
Chuck Norris's Box, 11:56 A.M.
Chuck Norris- Uh...hello?
Angry Mob- WHY DID YOU DO IT! WHY DID YOU DO IT!
Chuck Norris- Hey, why is this angry mob here? I didn't do anything.
Snake- The jig is up Chuck, I know what you did. You Burt Reynold's and Dustin Diamond all came to kill me that one day. So ahem I believe you should start going to jail now.
Chuck- Damn you Snake, how did you find out! I even killed Dustin so he wouldn't squeal! And Fernando!
Snake- Yeah, but instead of stabbing everyone, you shouldn't have left a trail of clues.
Chuck- Grrr...so I guess you've got this all figured out.
Snake- Not everything. The question is, why did you do all of this?
Chuck- Well Snake, as you know, "Dune Buggie Bandits" was going to be my next big hit. But something went wrong, our studio suddenly said they wouldn't release the picture because you Snake, own the rights to any movie featuring the word "Dune Buggie" in the title.
Snake- I do?
Chuck- Yes, when you made the Metal Gear movie, you signed a contract to own any film with the word "Dune Buggie" in the title.
Snake- Then why didn't you just ask me if you could make the movie.
Chuck- Well, we thought of doing that, but we decided it'd just be easier to kill you.
Snake- Well, it looks this is all settled. Okay coppers, take this guy away.
Chuck- What about Burt? Aren't you taking him away too?
Snake- I'd like to, but he's already far away in his space in his spaceship.
The Burtmobile (Burt Reynold's Spaceship), 3:00 P.M.
Burt- Mwahahaha. You may have escaped my clutches this time Snake, but I will be back....and I will kill you! Mwahahahahaha cough I really have to stop all the evil laughing.
Snake will be back in:
Case #2: The Case of the Burt Reynold's Pie
Snake's Apartment, 10:30 A.M.
Colonel- Well Snake, I came like you asked me to.
Snake- What? What the hell are you talking about?
Colonel- Remember, you asked me to come here, because you solved the recent incidents.
Snake- Oh, right. Yeah, let's go solve it, but first I have to eat some cereal.
Colonel- Snake, I think the case is more important.
Snake- No, Captain Crunch is. If I don't eat in the morning, I'm usually cranky the rest of the day, and then I usually shoot someone in anger.
Colonel- Fine. Eat your damn cereal. Then we'll go.
The Big Meeting Room in Otacon's Apartment, 11:56
Snake- Ahem. Hello everyone, I'm Snake. As you may know, during the past few days I've been investigating a mystery. Now, to get you all up to speed, I'll have Colonel here explain it all.
Colonel- Thanks Snake. Ok everyone, last Muesday, Snake was attacked in a glowing alleyway by a man wearing a Chuck Norris mask outside the enema clinic. After that, he woke up in a dumpster, and then walked out into the street. On the street, he was attacked by two men wearing Chuck Norris masks. During the next little while, me and Snake began to investigate. We discovered that Dustin Diamond was at the clinic, and was killed there the night of the attack, and no one noticed. We followed Dustin's connection to a movie studio, where Snake was visited by a shadowy figure who told him that the truth of this whole matter involved the Metal Gear movies. Snake decided to go talk to Hernando Rivers, the man who directed the 2nd Metal Gear movie. When we got there, Hernando was dead and we found a mysterious burned script.
Snake- Thank you Colonel, that's enough. Now everyone, I'm sure you're curious to how I figured out this crime. I'm sure all of you have had some theories, and I'm sure they're all terribly wrong. So I, the great Snake, will solve this crime for you. Ahem.
My first major clue was when that freak Raiden told me his part of the story.
"Well...you got out of the dumpster and walked onto the street. Before I knew it, two men wearing Chuck Norris masks walk up behind you, and begin beating you up with these strange purple bats. I didn't want them to stop horribly beating you, so I stood in the shadows and watched."
See, purple bats. I knew to take note of it, because it was very peculiar. My next major clue came from the enema clinic list of guests.
"Mueday Guest Lists
Otacon 6:30 P.M. Revolver Ocelot 7:15 P.M. Otacon 8:00 P.M. Bill Cosby 9:00 P.M. ALF 9:45 P.M. Biggie Bandit 10:15 P.M. Dustin Diamond 10:35 P.M. Otacon 11:00 P.M. Colonel 11:02 P.M."
Notice anything unusual? I certainly did. No, while Otacon going to the enema clinic three times in one night is unusual, it's not the clue I'm talking about. I'll come back to this later, it plays a major part in the solution.
Now, the clue that basically broke this thing opened for me was the script at Hernando's house. Hernando was working on a new film, and this new film starred Dustin Diamond. Trust me on this one. And it's not the Saved by the Bell movie either. Here, look at this list of movies being filmed at the studio:
"Film ------- Dr. Machiko's Wild Ride - Studio 8 Horrorland- Studio 16 Jaws 9: Jaws Jr. - Studio 9 Moogilla - Studio 3 Horse Radish 2 - Studio 2 Dune Buggie Bandits - Studio 4 Saved by the Bell: The Movie - Studio 15 Pepsi Presents: Citizen Kane 2 - Studio 20"
Hmmm...I noticed something quickly that help prove my theory. Look at the names carefully.
Now, look at this, I knew that the killers had to kill Hernando for a reason, and I know why. The reason, was the script. This script was the movie Hernando was filming, and the film that ties this all together. Just look at this piece of the script we found:
INT- A BEACH
BIGGIE- Come on Buggie, let's get this dune buggie across the border.
BUGGIE- Yeah, let's roll this sucker!
SCREECH- I don't know guys...what if the cops are watching!
Look, Dustin Diamond was in this film, playing his loveable character Screech from Saved by the Bell. But wait, look at the other two names of the script...seem familiar...they should!
And now, here's something that should help tie it together. During the investigation, I talked to the owner of the theatre in town. And here's the big bombshell that blew the case wide open for me:
"Well...I got a note from his studio company about a week ago, he's making a movie called "Dune Buggie Bandits" and he wanted to know if my theatre would show it. I told him no, who'd pay to see a Chuck Norris movie."
Look at the name...Dune Buggie Bandits...The name Buggie was in the script. Fernando was directing Dune Buggie Bandits at the studio which starred Dustin Diamond and Chuck Norris. You see, three men were supposed to attack me that night: Dustin Diamond, Chuck Norris, and someone else. But something went wrong, and Dustin ended up dead. But before we find out why Dustin was killed, let's discover who this mysterious third attacker is. It's really quite simple to find out who actually, he's my mortal enemy, I got a pretty good clue right from Colonel:
"While I was reading the newspaper, they talked about Burt Reynold's new movie. It really made me mad, because, I hate the guy. They said his new movie's about robbers or something, probaly just another Smokie and the Bandits rip-off."
And there it is. Burt Reynolds was the other co-star in the movie. Him, Chuck Norris, and Dustin Diamond all came to the clinic that one day and tried to kill me. How do I know they were there? Look at the list of guests at the clinic that day. One of them is "Buggie Bandit", Burt Reynold's character in the film. He used a fake name at the clinic. So know that I cracked the case, there's still one thing left: Why did they do it? Come on everyone, let's go to Chuck Norris's house.
Chuck Norris's Box, 11:56 A.M.
Chuck Norris- Uh...hello?
Angry Mob- WHY DID YOU DO IT! WHY DID YOU DO IT!
Chuck Norris- Hey, why is this angry mob here? I didn't do anything.
Snake- The jig is up Chuck, I know what you did. You Burt Reynold's and Dustin Diamond all came to kill me that one day. So ahem I believe you should start going to jail now.
Chuck- Damn you Snake, how did you find out! I even killed Dustin so he wouldn't squeal! And Fernando!
Snake- Yeah, but instead of stabbing everyone, you shouldn't have left a trail of clues.
Chuck- Grrr...so I guess you've got this all figured out.
Snake- Not everything. The question is, why did you do all of this?
Chuck- Well Snake, as you know, "Dune Buggie Bandits" was going to be my next big hit. But something went wrong, our studio suddenly said they wouldn't release the picture because you Snake, own the rights to any movie featuring the word "Dune Buggie" in the title.
Snake- I do?
Chuck- Yes, when you made the Metal Gear movie, you signed a contract to own any film with the word "Dune Buggie" in the title.
Snake- Then why didn't you just ask me if you could make the movie.
Chuck- Well, we thought of doing that, but we decided it'd just be easier to kill you.
Snake- Well, it looks this is all settled. Okay coppers, take this guy away.
Chuck- What about Burt? Aren't you taking him away too?
Snake- I'd like to, but he's already far away in his space in his spaceship.
The Burtmobile (Burt Reynold's Spaceship), 3:00 P.M.
Burt- Mwahahaha. You may have escaped my clutches this time Snake, but I will be back....and I will kill you! Mwahahahahaha cough I really have to stop all the evil laughing.
Snake will be back in:
Case #2: The Case of the Burt Reynold's Pie