[A/N- I don't own Lord of the Rings. Happy now?]
[I have to thank the insane and sarcastic voice in my head for helping me
write this chapter.]
Legolas carried Leia all the way to Thranduil's palace. It was a long way, but, since Leia was a Mary-Sue, she just twisted geography and had the palace be about twelve steps away. (She also made Tolkien writhe and thrash in his grave, but we won't go into that now.) She was greeted not-so-warmly by Thranduil. The Author of this wonderful (cough) story made him out to be a rather nasty elf king with really no personality. (I think Tolkien just screamed in his grave. Amazing how you can hear it so clearly, even though he's underneath six feet of dirt.) Leia, of course, was incredibly and nauseatingly polite and sweet. (Oh my god, it's little Nell from the Curiosity Shop!) The rest of Mirkwood's population loved her. (Wow, I never saw that coming.) They greeted her like she was Yavanna or somebody like that.
Well, things calmed down after a while (if you exclude the screams of torment coming from Tolkien), until Thranduil sent Legolas to Imladris. Then, any shred of decency was shot dead. (Not like there was much to kill.) Legolas and Leia set out at once. In the span of five minutes they were attacked by random orcs. Yes, random orcs. Mary-Sues just attract them like magnets. Legolas killed them all, (just like a good plot device) and Leia melodramatically thanked him. (Wow, that's a surprise.) To all the readers' immense horror, Leia gave 'her' prince an incredibly tacky necklace. It had sapphires, rubies, emeralds, and opals on an intricate design of ivy leaves made of mithril. It had a fine mithril chain with an ornate clasp. It was almost too tacky to look at. It was also enough to make a dwarf drool. Nevertheless, poor Legolas was forced to wear it, and actually like it. He thanked her and they were off to Rivendell again.
They arrived in two minutes. (That's just sad.)
When the prince of Mirkwood and the Sue arrived, Lord Elrond himself greeted them. He was seemingly delighted to see her, but he saw her for what she was. His ring, Vilya, shielded him from some of the Mary-Sue's power. (Well, at least someone has some sense in this insane asylum!) Legolas was shown to his room. Leia had been commanded by Lord Elrond to stay. He wanted a word with her. Actually, he wanted more than just a word.
"You bring a great shadow to Imladris," Elrond began.
"I know," Leia said in a soft voice. "I know that my powers are poison to the world."
"???.??.?" Elrond was confused enough to say a word that consisted of only punctuation. (I wish I could do that.) Before he could say another word, Leia burst out crying and ran away, leaving Elrond even more confused than he already was.
Leia ran to Legolas's room, expecting comfort from the prince. She ran into the room, and flung herself into his arms. (Then, we all threw up, more disgusted than we had ever been in our lives.) An incredibly sappy love scene ensued , and the decent Tolkien fans all reached for their sick bags. (And in the real Lord of the Rings, Legolas read this fanfiction, cried, and joined a nunnery.)
Sadly, they had the Council that day. No one really knew why, but Elrond suspected it had something to do with Leia. He was right. (Mary- Sues are so incredibly impatient.)
Leia sat by the Rivendell elves. She looked astoundingly pompous and annoying. (What else is new?) No one was really surprised. Some of the elves began to speak of her amazing splendor and grace. In reality, of course, they wouldn't care. They only brought it up because of Author whim, and because it made Leia look better.
"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned to answer the threat of Mordor," Elrond said. "Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite, or you will fall. Each race is bound by this fate, this one doom. Bring forth the Ring." (His lines--they weren't butchered! It's a miracle!)
"'Tis a gift," Boromir whispered. "A gift to Mordor's enemies! Why not use this Ring? My father, Gondor's Steward, long hath he kept your lands safe by the blood of our people. Give the Ring to Gondor!"
For whatever reason, the Author decided to have Boromir use SOE [Sucky Olde English], and be the egotistical jerk of the story.
"Son of Denethor, you cannot wield it!" Leia cried, and stood up. "Only Sauron commands the Ring. You would be destroyed if you took it!" (She stole Aragorn's lines. Why do they always steal people's lines?) Aragorn looked a bit disgruntled until the Story found out. Then, any trace of canon was gone. Leia still stood, in all of her radiant and insanely irritating Mary-Sue-ness.
"What would a woman know of these matters?" Boromir shot back. (Ouch. Boromir's now also the Sexist Jerk. Normally Gimli is the Sexist Jerk.) The Battle of the Sexes had begun.
"I'll have you know any that women will so can be more but powerful as intelligent than any men!" Leia retorted. (I'll give you twenty bucks if you can puzzle that one out.)
"You, of all women, would know less of all!" Boromir cried. (Go Boromir!)
This continued on (in generally the same direction) for way too long. It was really just insult after insult. (They weren't really all that insulting, either.) It did, however, eventually end. Gandalf was forced to put an end to it.
"Stop! You're all acting like jerks!" Gandalf cried, completely out of character. (Whoa, did Gandalf just use modern slang?) This put an-er- interesting end to the argument.
Suddenly, things went from insanely bad to even worse. Someone fell from the sky. Another Mary-Sue landed in the Council of Elrond.
"Dear Valar," Elrond murmured, and watched the Sue fall in front of him. She was human, of course, and a beautiful one at that.
"W.where am I?" she asked, looking innocently at the Council members. Her auburn hair gleamed in the sunlight. Her name was Kaiyukisaukuranaomaisuma, but she was called Kai. Kai was just an ordinary girl from modern-day earth, except whenever she was in trouble, she used her mystical, all-powerful pendant to transform into--- Sailor Pinksparklehappydayslovelyladyglitter, the Japanese Anime ninja! Oh, the horror. First there was the incredibly beautiful elven princess from Lothlorien, now there's a Japanese Anime ninja.
Tune in next time for 'The Star of Middle-earth' and 'Ye Olde Parody of a Legolas Romance!'
Legolas carried Leia all the way to Thranduil's palace. It was a long way, but, since Leia was a Mary-Sue, she just twisted geography and had the palace be about twelve steps away. (She also made Tolkien writhe and thrash in his grave, but we won't go into that now.) She was greeted not-so-warmly by Thranduil. The Author of this wonderful (cough) story made him out to be a rather nasty elf king with really no personality. (I think Tolkien just screamed in his grave. Amazing how you can hear it so clearly, even though he's underneath six feet of dirt.) Leia, of course, was incredibly and nauseatingly polite and sweet. (Oh my god, it's little Nell from the Curiosity Shop!) The rest of Mirkwood's population loved her. (Wow, I never saw that coming.) They greeted her like she was Yavanna or somebody like that.
Well, things calmed down after a while (if you exclude the screams of torment coming from Tolkien), until Thranduil sent Legolas to Imladris. Then, any shred of decency was shot dead. (Not like there was much to kill.) Legolas and Leia set out at once. In the span of five minutes they were attacked by random orcs. Yes, random orcs. Mary-Sues just attract them like magnets. Legolas killed them all, (just like a good plot device) and Leia melodramatically thanked him. (Wow, that's a surprise.) To all the readers' immense horror, Leia gave 'her' prince an incredibly tacky necklace. It had sapphires, rubies, emeralds, and opals on an intricate design of ivy leaves made of mithril. It had a fine mithril chain with an ornate clasp. It was almost too tacky to look at. It was also enough to make a dwarf drool. Nevertheless, poor Legolas was forced to wear it, and actually like it. He thanked her and they were off to Rivendell again.
They arrived in two minutes. (That's just sad.)
When the prince of Mirkwood and the Sue arrived, Lord Elrond himself greeted them. He was seemingly delighted to see her, but he saw her for what she was. His ring, Vilya, shielded him from some of the Mary-Sue's power. (Well, at least someone has some sense in this insane asylum!) Legolas was shown to his room. Leia had been commanded by Lord Elrond to stay. He wanted a word with her. Actually, he wanted more than just a word.
"You bring a great shadow to Imladris," Elrond began.
"I know," Leia said in a soft voice. "I know that my powers are poison to the world."
"???.??.?" Elrond was confused enough to say a word that consisted of only punctuation. (I wish I could do that.) Before he could say another word, Leia burst out crying and ran away, leaving Elrond even more confused than he already was.
Leia ran to Legolas's room, expecting comfort from the prince. She ran into the room, and flung herself into his arms. (Then, we all threw up, more disgusted than we had ever been in our lives.) An incredibly sappy love scene ensued , and the decent Tolkien fans all reached for their sick bags. (And in the real Lord of the Rings, Legolas read this fanfiction, cried, and joined a nunnery.)
Sadly, they had the Council that day. No one really knew why, but Elrond suspected it had something to do with Leia. He was right. (Mary- Sues are so incredibly impatient.)
Leia sat by the Rivendell elves. She looked astoundingly pompous and annoying. (What else is new?) No one was really surprised. Some of the elves began to speak of her amazing splendor and grace. In reality, of course, they wouldn't care. They only brought it up because of Author whim, and because it made Leia look better.
"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned to answer the threat of Mordor," Elrond said. "Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite, or you will fall. Each race is bound by this fate, this one doom. Bring forth the Ring." (His lines--they weren't butchered! It's a miracle!)
"'Tis a gift," Boromir whispered. "A gift to Mordor's enemies! Why not use this Ring? My father, Gondor's Steward, long hath he kept your lands safe by the blood of our people. Give the Ring to Gondor!"
For whatever reason, the Author decided to have Boromir use SOE [Sucky Olde English], and be the egotistical jerk of the story.
"Son of Denethor, you cannot wield it!" Leia cried, and stood up. "Only Sauron commands the Ring. You would be destroyed if you took it!" (She stole Aragorn's lines. Why do they always steal people's lines?) Aragorn looked a bit disgruntled until the Story found out. Then, any trace of canon was gone. Leia still stood, in all of her radiant and insanely irritating Mary-Sue-ness.
"What would a woman know of these matters?" Boromir shot back. (Ouch. Boromir's now also the Sexist Jerk. Normally Gimli is the Sexist Jerk.) The Battle of the Sexes had begun.
"I'll have you know any that women will so can be more but powerful as intelligent than any men!" Leia retorted. (I'll give you twenty bucks if you can puzzle that one out.)
"You, of all women, would know less of all!" Boromir cried. (Go Boromir!)
This continued on (in generally the same direction) for way too long. It was really just insult after insult. (They weren't really all that insulting, either.) It did, however, eventually end. Gandalf was forced to put an end to it.
"Stop! You're all acting like jerks!" Gandalf cried, completely out of character. (Whoa, did Gandalf just use modern slang?) This put an-er- interesting end to the argument.
Suddenly, things went from insanely bad to even worse. Someone fell from the sky. Another Mary-Sue landed in the Council of Elrond.
"Dear Valar," Elrond murmured, and watched the Sue fall in front of him. She was human, of course, and a beautiful one at that.
"W.where am I?" she asked, looking innocently at the Council members. Her auburn hair gleamed in the sunlight. Her name was Kaiyukisaukuranaomaisuma, but she was called Kai. Kai was just an ordinary girl from modern-day earth, except whenever she was in trouble, she used her mystical, all-powerful pendant to transform into--- Sailor Pinksparklehappydayslovelyladyglitter, the Japanese Anime ninja! Oh, the horror. First there was the incredibly beautiful elven princess from Lothlorien, now there's a Japanese Anime ninja.
Tune in next time for 'The Star of Middle-earth' and 'Ye Olde Parody of a Legolas Romance!'