Author's Note:
This story may contain elements and scenes from other fan-fictions written by different authors. If you feel that your rights are being violated, don't hesitate to contact me. Thank you.
Of course, all of the Tekkaman/Dragonball characters/ideas that are not made up by me are property of their respective creators. I hope you enjoy this fiction.
Last time on Tekkaman Z!
Takaya and Aki are at it again—this time, playing Periodic Table ScrabbleÔ! It's Takaya's win, so that means…Aki has to clean the toilets! But the game hasn't been won yet, Takaya—it looks like Aki might be cheating on you! Watch out!
Meanwhile, Axe is about to attack the Space Knight Command Center! Oh no! It looks like trouble is brewing! But wait—what's that in the sky? Maybe those lasers are doing something after all, even if they're not hitting the green goon!
Jamison: "It's 8:27 PM."
Axe: "NOOOOOOO…"
Hooray! The viridian villain's time is up! But unless they get started soon, the Aiba twins will find that Miyuki's time will be up as well!
Will the gang finally get around to helping Miyuki? How has Saber been faring all this time? And who could that blond guy possibly be?
The answers to some of these questions, and more, will be revealed today on…
----------
Tekkaman Z
----------
Episode 4: Lances and Lies
By: Kajitani Eizan
Setting: Around 8:45 PM, Space Knight Command Center.
Miyuki Meter: 66.75234 hours remaining.
"How is Shinya?" asked Takaya, a worried expression on his face.
Jamison grimaced. "It's not looking good right now…he's at 0.37 BAC."
Miyuki gasped, shocked. "He was drinking before he fought Axe? Bad Shinya!"
Takaya gaped. "What? What happened, Axe rammed a bottle of vodka down his throat?"
Jamison arched an eyebrow. "As a matter of fact, yes. It must have been Futae no Kiwami; there's no way anyone could have shattered a Tekkaman faceplate with just a bottle of vodka."
"Have you been sitting too close to the screen again while watching episodes of an old anime for five hours straight?"
***
"Okay…good…the dialysis machine is ready," reported Al Ned, the resident master of the dialysis machine, over the intercom. "Dialysis will begin in 5…4…ah, what the hell, flip the switch."
Al's assistant, Bob Hick, flipped the switch. The machine began to clean Shinya's blood of the alcohol that he had unwillingly ingested. Bob stared at the machine in wonder as he injected another dose of heroin into his bloodstream, uplifting his spirit into 'another region of the cosmos'.
"He'll be okay in the morning," reassured Al. "He's in competent hands."
"Okay, good," said Takaya, relieved.
"That's good to know," said Miyuki, equally relieved.
"Yep," grunted Mac, who was also relieved, mainly because his constipation had finally let up. He remembered the extreme joy he had experienced at the moment, a joy that transcended all other happiness that he had experienced in his life. That experience in bathroom #5L made him look at life in a new way. He caught a whiff of the strong Lysol aura that permeated through the air from his person and reminisced of the good old days, when he had acquired a tapeworm and could, five times a day, go to the water closet and—
"Um…thank you, Mac," said Takaya loudly as he edged away from the fat Scot. Miyuki, who looked rather green, headed for the bathroom.
I'd better warn Ringo and Jamison about #5L, thought Takaya. By the way, where is Ringo?
***
I don't need help from Magic Knight Ta-gay-a, thought Ringo as he fired shot after shot from the Zitron gun. I can take on these buggers by myself.
Ringo cheered in victory as he shot the second to last bugger dead. He turned around and pointed his gun at the final bugger, which was charging at him. He centered the bugger in his crosshairs and smirked.
Your ass is mine, you Radam freak, thought Ringo. He pulled the trigger. CLICK!
Ringo froze in horror. Ohmygod ohmygod, I'm out of Zitron! he thought, his mind racing. It's at times like these that I wish that I had brought along the whole Soltekkaman suit instead of just the gun…
***
Aki moaned in pleasure. She was bouncing in her lover's lap, experiencing a joy that transcended even Mac's bliss in bathroom #5L. The two of them bounced in the chair even more violently as they both reached the apex of their activity.
"Oh, yes," moaned Aki. "YES! YES! OHH!"
"Aki!" moaned her lover. "AKI! I—I'M GONNA—"
The two screamed each others' names as the derivative of their ride, the smooth, continuous, differentiable-at-every-point function p, approached zero at t = 20 and then gradually became more and more negative. Using repeated linearization would have shown that a zero of p would be at approximately t = 106, but that is not the point of the matter. Actually, dp/dt would be zero at t =106 and beyond for a while, so t = 106 would not really be a local minimum of p—unless, of course, an interval of p, [c, 106], was examined, with c being any real number less than 106, in which case, 106 would be a local, and possibly absolute, minimum of the function. This can be easily seen by examining the critical points and the endpoints of the interval, which are the only points that can harbor minimums and maximums. Of course, as stated before, dp/dt is never undefined, and on the interval that we are examining, which is [0, 106], only at t = 0, 20, and 106 is the derivative zero. As you can easily see, t = 0 is also a minimum. By the Intermediate Value Theorem for Continuous Functions, p' will also take on the value of every point in between the values of p at t = 0 and t = 20. Thus, it is easy to see that at some point, the pleasure p of the lovers was exactly half that of the value p at the local maximum, the point (20, p(20)). If you have any concerns regarding this logic, consult your nearest differential calculus book. If you have any concerns about the mental health of the author, you have come to a logical conclusion and thus probably have enough logic to figure this crap out on your own using your local copy of a calculus textbook.
Aki relaxed in her lover's lap, still united with him. She reached up and stroked her lover's white hair. He smiled at her and began to kiss her neck.
"I think we had better go," she said, a smile on her face.
***
Setting: Day 2, around 7:30 AM, some random battlefield.
Miyuki Meter: 56 hours remaining.
Ringo woke up groggily. Next to him was the remaining bugger, who was sleeping soundly.
Thank God for calculus, thought Ringo as he grabbed his gun and tiptoed away. Suddenly, a burning hot object crashed down into the middle of the bugger at astoundingly high speeds, killing it instantly. As a matter of fact, the function s(t) described the fall perfectly, with the function s''(t) constant and s'(t) a straight line, meaning—
ZAP! A blue beam shot out of the Zitron gun and fried the resident mathematician. Thank God there was still one shot left in the Zitron gun, thought Ringo. He glanced back at the object that had fallen onto the bugger. It was Tekkaman Lance.
"Why, hello, pathetic human," said Lance. He got up, obviously groggy from his little nap. "I was about to come down to exterminate you when I fell asleep. Apparently, my thruster energy ran out just now, causing me to fall and kill this poor little bastard here.
"But no matter." Lance generated a lance and pointed it at Ringo. "You will now die."
From toilet duty into the toilet, thought Ringo.
***
"Ewww!" screamed Miyuki as she woke up with a start. "Takaya, you're drooling on my shirt!"
"What! Huh?" Takaya mumbled as he woke up. He froze in shock as he realized that his hand was resting on Miyuki's chest and that he was, indeed, drooling on her shirt. He quickly jumped to his feet and backed away, wiping the drool off of his chin with his shirt sleeve.
"G…gomen nasai!!" yelled Takaya. "I, I must have fallen on top of you when we fell asleep!"
"How could you?!" screamed Shinya. "Don't you get enough from Aki? Must you 'be intimate' with your OWN SISTER?! I wouldn't even THINK of doing that, ever, not in any time, place, or dimension, not even if the Radam were controlling me!"
Tina arched an eyebrow at Shinya. "…Really?"
Jamison frowned. "It…it must have been Rai Ryu Sen that knocked us out," he speculated as Miyuki and Shinya beat up Takaya. "There's just no other explanation."
***
"Please, God, help me," prayed Ringo. As if on cue, an old man and a young girl appeared from behind a rock. The old man wore a tan vest, a shirt, and grayish pants, and carried a potato in his left hand, and the girl wore an orange hooded sweatshirt and blue capris.
"Aiyaa!" shouted the old man. "It is a Tekkaman!"
The girl gasped. "Oh no! Run, Uncle!"
"No, Jade," said the old man calmly. "I have the Dog Talisman with me, remember?"
"Oh yeah," replied Jade Jr., the young girl. "Go Uncle."
The old man bravely walked up to Lance and dropped into a fighting stance. "Attack," he commanded, taunting Lance with his "old man" fingers.
What a brave old man, thought Ringo. I had better help him out. At least I'll go out in a blaze of glory.
"You stay back," said the old man.
You bet! thought Ringo as he beat a hasty retreat to the rock.
"One more thing! Make yourself useful by making sure Jade doesn't try to fight."
"Yes, sir!"
Lance chuckled. "Well, then, you shall be the first to die, you brave fool."
With that, Lance jumped forward, lance pointed at the old man, shouting, "Flying swordfish about to stab annoying gnat stance!" The old man raised two fingers in a victory sign and caught the lance, stopping Lance in his tracks.
What the FUCK?! screamed Lance in his head. How the— The old man launched into a spinning twisting jump.
"Victorious left-handed tiger stance!" yelled the old man as he smashed the potato into Lance's face, sending Lance flying backwards and knocking him unconscious.
HOLY SHIT!! thought Ringo. Who the fuck is this old guy?!
Jade gaped. "Whoa."
"One more thing…Respect your elders!" reprimanded the old man.
Suddenly, Tekkaman Sword landed on the ground next to Lance. "What the…"
She glanced at Lance. She looked at the old man. She stared at Lance. She gaped at the old man.
"Um…yes, well, I…need to take Lance here and…er…do the laundry," fibbed Sword. "See ya!" With that, Sword picked up Lance and zoomed off into space, headed for a Radam base on the Space Ring.
"Wow, Uncle, you were great!" exclaimed Jade. "But…shouldn't we go back to Section 13?"
"Yes," said the old man. "Jackie is probably waiting for us. Too bad he broke his arm and couldn't come with us."
"But I am here, Uncle!" exclaimed Jackie. He walked out from behind another rock.
"One more thing," droned the old man. THWAP! His old fingers smacked Jackie across the forehead.
"Ow!"
"WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS FIGHTING THE TEK-KA-MAN?!" yelled the old man. He sighed. "Let's go home so we can relax—"
"Oh yes," said Jackie. "I want to relax after that last encounter with the Dark Hand…"
"—by doing some research!" finished the old man with a smile.
"Oh no…" moaned Jackie.
The three walked off.
Ringo walked over to his jeep. I guess I could take credit for defeating Lance…
***
"Um, guys, I only have about 56 hours left until I die," said Miyuki in a serious tone. "We had better stop screwing around and start getting to work."
"Yeah…" said Takaya from the next room.
"We can't do anything until we head out to Bulma's for tea," pointed out Shinya.
"You'd…ahh…better call her up…ohh…right now…" called Aki.
"Okay," said Shinya. He picked up a nearby phone and dialed Bulma's number.
"Moshi moshi!" greeted Bulma.
"Ohayogozaimasu, Bulma," replied Shinya. "Shinya desu. Aiba Shinya. I was just calling to ask if you were free this afternoon."
"Of course!" replied Bulma. "Come by for tea around 3:30!" She paused, pleased with her rhyme. She frowned as she heard something in the background. "Um…Shinya, I'm getting some background noise…"
Shinya flushed red. "Hold on." He reached over to press the mute button and motioned to Miyuki to tell Takaya and Aki to keep it down. She nodded and walked over to the next room.
"TAKAYA! AKI! KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE!" yelled Miyuki into the open doorway.
"Unnh…okay…wanna join us, Miyuki?" asked Aki sweetly.
"Um…no thanks," replied Miyuki. She squinted at the couple. "Er…is that sanitary?"
Jeez…couldn't they have waited? thought Shinya. He pressed the mute button. "Bulma?"
He got no response.
"Um…Bulma?"
Suddenly, Bulma replied, "What the HELL are you doing in there?! Shinya! Where are you?" Shinya looked over to the phone console and froze in horror. The mute button was activated. Wait, he thought. That means…it wasn't muted before…so Bulma heard everything…?! SHIT!
Shinya quickly reached over and hit the mute button again. "Eheh, sorry about that, Bulma. So anyway, gotta go, seeya!"
He hung up the phone and sighed, turning to Miyuki. "Well, Miyuki…"
Shinya trailed off as he watched Miyuki stare into the other room in wonder. "Wow," she started, "I never knew Aki was so flexible…"
"TAKAYA!!" yelled Shinya as he ran over to cover Miyuki's eyes. "CLOSE THE DOOR WHEN YOU'RE—"
Miyuki pushed him away. "I'm not a kid anymore, Shinya," she said as she checked her watch. "Oooh, 'Pokémon: The Kyoto Journeys' will be on soon!"
Shinya groaned. "See, you still watch that stupid show!"
"Well, it's skill to be able to remember the names of 3275 Pokémon! Let's see, there's Fruitycake, Tartsnatcher, Laddermon, Sanfrantreat, Yamuchabasher…"
***
"Sir!" shouted Lieutenant Melders.
"Oh, yes…" moaned General Galt, Head of the Allied Military. "Yes…I'm sure I want this…"
Melders flushed red. "Ah…sir?"
"Please…" Galt whispered. "Please be gentle, Blade…"
"SIR!!"
Galt snapped put of his reverie and wiped off the drool that was gathering on his chin with the sleeve of his uniform. "Huh…?"
"Sir, I just received word about the status of the Mechatama II missile!"
Galt hastily readjusted his pants and sat up straight. He then swiveled his chair around to face Melders. "Is my Blade safe?"
Melders gritted his teeth. "Yes, he is safe; all the Space Knights are safe."
Galt visibly relaxed. Melders, whose gaze had wandered towards the floor, noticed this relaxation and swallowed hard.
"Good," said Galt. "Very good."
Melders took a deep breath before continuing. "Sir…the reason all the Space Knights are safe is that the missile never reached the command center."
Galt stared at Melders in shock. "Wh…what?! What happened?"
"It…it seems that the missile was interrupted mid-flight by a Tekkaman…"
Why? thought Galt. Why must you betray and contradict me on every turn, my love? Why can you not see things my way? We could be so happy together…
"…yes, it says here, a greenish Tekkaman—"
"What?" asked Galt. "You mean…"
"Yes, sir," replied Melders. "The Tekkaman known as Axe was hit by the missile and was eradicated."
Galt's jaw hung open in shock. How could these enemy Tekkamen be so stupid as to run into a missile? he thought. Man, am I one lucky bastard…
Aloud, Galt shouted, "Hahaha! See, I told you, my plan would work! I planned this all along, it's my doing!" Suddenly, he froze. "Oh my God…that means Tekkaman Saber is still alive! Quick! Send our entire army out there to protect Blade at all costs!"
Melders sighed. What must I do to win your heart?
Aloud, Melders said, "Speaking of Saber…"
***
"Our story continues as Ass Ketchup, great-great-great-great-grandson of the famous Pokémon master, Ash Ketchum, haphazardly walks along some random route in the forest, with his friends, Pissy and Crock. It looks like Ass's Pokémon, Pickapuu, is having some problems," blabbed the narrator.
"Pick-a-poooooo…" moaned Pickapuu.
"Gee, what's the matter, Pickapuu?" asked Ass. Pickapuu appeared to be trying to reach around to its posterior, but was having little luck.
A title screen popped up. "Episode 547: The 274th Fight with the Repetitive Enemy!" announced Ass's voice. The screen cut back to the forest, where Pickapuu was desperately trying to reach his rear end.
Suddenly, Purrpussy, a large cat, grabbed Pickapuu and shoved him into a plastic bag. "Hahahaha! We've got Pickapuu now!" he exclaimed.
"Hey!" yelled Crock.
"That's not fair!" shouted Pissy. Pissy's Pokémon, Togetpee waved its arms and smiled.
"That's right!" said Jaymes. "For power of truth and evil…"
"…and to ascend the grassy hill…" continued Jesse.
"…to capture the power of light…"
"…firing the icy brand of might…"
"Jaymes! The gorgeous girl!"
"Jesse! The manly man unfurl!"
"Our power combined…"
"Is undefined!"
"So kiss my behind!" finished Purrpussy.
"Oh no!" shouted Ass. "You must be…The Missile Gang!"
"That's right, kid," said Jesse. "We've met for the 274th and final time!"
"Nya-nya!" sang Purrpussy, waving the ShopRite bag in front of Ass's face. "You're gonna hafta fight to get him back!"
"Kuso," cursed Pissy. "It looks like it's time for…"
"…A Pokémon battle!" finished Ass. "Tartsnatcher, go!"
Ass reached into his pocket and pulled out Tartsnatcher. (Where'd you think he'd keep his Pokémon, in his balls or something?) Tartsnatcher jumped in front of Ass and stood there.
"Hmm…which attack should I use…" said Ass. "Should I use BallsOfIron or FastStrike?" The Tartsnatcher stood patiently, unable to attack, since its master had not given a command yet.
"That's it! Sinep, go!" yelled Jaymes. She reached into her pocket and threw Sinep into the battlefield.
"Oh, a 'unlinear' type, eh?" said Ass. "Okay, Tartsnatcher, use BallsOfIron!"
"Tart!" Tartsnatcher did so; they glowed like iron and then shot a beam at the Missile Gang, causing a large explosion that sent the Gang flying.
"Oh no, the Missile Gang is soaring to infinity once more!" yelled the Gang as they disappeared into the distance.
"Yay!" yelled Pissy. "Now let's sleep; all of this fighting made me hot!"
"Okay, I guess…" replied Ass and Crock. Ass pulled Pickapuu out of the ShopRite bag, which the Missile Gang had conveniently left behind, and set up camp.
"And so, our heroes rest for the day…" said the narrator.
Ass, Pissy, Crock, and Pickapuu all waved at a red-haired traveler that walked down a trail. The purple-shirted man waved back.
"What new adventures await our heroes on the road to Kyoto?" asked the narrator, ending the episode.
The Cheezy TV Network logo popped up. It featured a mouse squeaking and devouring large quantities of cheese.
Shinya continued to stare at the TV in disbelief. "…What the fuck was that? How can you bear to watch such shit?"
"Shit?" questioned Miyuki. "That was awesome! It was maybe the fourteenth best episode I ever saw! Better than Gekiganger III, anyway…"
"Is not."
"Is too."
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
***
"Takaya…" said Aki from her seat on the bed. "There's something important I have to tell you."
Takaya's head snapped up. "Aki…" he said, his heart stopping.
"I…" faltered Aki. "I should have said this before, but…"
Takaya leaned forward, resting on the edge of his chair. Oh no, he thought. She's not gonna say…?
"I…" A tear ran down Aki's cheek. "I…"
Just say it already, dammit! screamed Takaya in his mind.
"I…I love you, Takaya," managed Aki between sobs. "I don't want to ever be separated from you…"
"Oh, you just had to say that crap?" said Takaya, visibly relieved. "I thought you were gonna say something serious like you were knocked up or something…"
Aki stared at Takaya in shock. "You…you mean you don't love me? You…just use my for my body?"
***
"IS NOT!"
"IS TOO!"
Suddenly, Tekkaman Lance crashed through the window, sending glass shards everywhere. He flashed a red eye at Shinya and Miyuki.
"I am here to kill you all," intoned Lance. "But first, I must fight a fair and honorable battle to determine whether I get to kill you or not."
"Hey!" shouted Ringo. "Didn't that old man beat the shit outta you a little while back? How did you recover so fast—"
"You!" thundered Lance, pointing a finger at Ringo. "Shut up!"
"But, it's true—"
"Oi! Johnny Appleseed! SHUT UP!" shouted Lance.
"…That was a shitty comeback," returned Ringo.
"…"
Shinya abruptly broke into laughter. "You…were beaten by…an old man…?" he managed between chuckles.
"Hahaha, that's pathetic," laughed Miyuki.
"SHUT UP, I SAID!" yelled Lance. "Now, are you going to fight, Saber, or what?"
Shinya checked his watch. "Fuck no, I gotta watch 'X-Men: Darwin Style' in five minutes. Hold up, lemme get Takaya." With that, he left.
Lance sat down on the couch and made himself comfortable. Hmm…I wonder if they have any Kenshin Krunch cereal around here… he thought. I couldn't even get a raincheck from that ShopRite guy…he was too scared…I had to blow the whole place up…
"Buy Kenshin Krunch cereal!" commanded the announcer in the commercial. "It's fortified with vitamins and minerals, tastes great, and now, for a limited time, has Kuzu Ryu Sen kanji marshmallows! Look for Saitou brand Chocolate Cigarettes in specially marked boxes! Kenshin Krunch, the breakfast of Rurounis, de gozaru!"
Lance and Miyuki drooled.
***
Aki gazed at Takaya with pleading eyes. Please don't tell me you've just been using me all along… she thought.
"…Well…" started Takaya. "Aki, I know you've been cheating on me."
"Nani?!" exclaimed Aki. "Wh, what are you talking about?" Her face was flushed with embarrassment.
"Aki!" said Takaya firmly. "Who was the blond guy? And the white-haired guy?"
"I…" stuttered Aki. I can't believe that he doesn't believe me…
"Aki. I thought I loved you, but now, I'm not so sure," said Takaya. "Why must you keep secrets? Tell me the truth, Aki. I'm sure that you did it with a blond guy and a white-haired guy."
"What?" Aki's head spun; she felt dizzy. "But…how? I swear, I didn't do anything like that!"
"Aki…"
Aki broke down completely. "I swear it! Why don't you believe me, Takaya?" She started to sob and beat her fists against Takaya. "Why? Why? Why? Why?! I didn't!"
Takaya sat still, taken aback by her reaction. But…I'm sure that Aki was screwing those two men… he thought. There's no way that the author is lying…damn that bastard for getting me into this mess!
Watch your mouth, Takaya. Hmm…suddenly, Takaya glanced up to see a large meteor—
Okay, dammit, I get the idea, thought Takaya. Aloud, he started, "I…"
Shinya burst in the door. "Hey guys, sorry to interrupt, but Lance challenged you," said Shinya.
"…Later, Aki," said Takaya as he rushed out the door. Upon receiving strange stares, he ran back in and threw on pants and a shirt. He then left again.
Shinya stared at a sobbing Aki. Man, she's hot… he thought.
"So, Aki, wanna tell handsome Shinya about your problems?" he asked as he drew nearer.
"No," she said in between sobs.
"Then why have you already stripped down for me—OUCH!"
***
"Ah, so Blade arrives," intoned Lance. "I already saw this episode of 'X-Men: Darwin Style', so I don't really need to watch it."
Takaya only glared at Lance. "I will defeat you, Lance. TEK-SETTA!"
The emerald crystal, once again, provided Takaya with the energy to transform into a metallic knight endowed with impenetrable armor, quantum energy weapons, and superhuman power, known as…Teknoman!
"Tekkaman…Blade!" shouted Blade at the end of his transformation.
"Okay Lance, prepare to lose," muttered Blade.
"What did you say?" asked Lance. "I couldn't hear you."
Blade walked up to Lance and gestured. Lance tilted his ear a bit so that he could hear Blade.
"I said…" whispered Blade. "VOL-TEKKA!"
"Oh no!" shouted Lance. Damn the time constraints on this episode! "NOOOOOOO…."
The emerald energy burst forth from Blade's shoulder cannons, enveloping Lance in its luminescence and pushing him outwards into space. Miyuki thrust her hand into the air in victory.
As the sparkling green beam dissipated, Blade relaxed and closed his shoulder cannons.
"Well," Ringo said. "So much for that."
"Next time, Lance," said Blade. "Next time."
***
"That…" grumbled Lance as his injured form floated through space, "was NOT fair and honorable."
------
Next time on Tekkaman Z!
Will bathroom #5L ever be usable again? And what's this? Lance heals himself yet again! Even worse, Omega gives the Ascendant Voltekker to another one of his cohorts! Hmm…who the heck was that white-haired dude? What is Galt up to now? And this time, we'll actually get around to it: will the Aiba boys be able to stand up to their greatest adversary yet…Bulma's tea? Indeed, next time, Lance, next time on Tekkaman Z!
-------------
End Chapter 4
-------------