This story may contain elements and scenes from other fan-fictions written by different authors. If you feel that your rights are being violated, don't hesitate to contact me. Thank you.
Of course, all of the Tekkaman/Dragonball/other characters/ideas that are not made up by me are property of their respective creators. I hope you enjoy this fiction.
CAUTION: This story is not for the weak. Some of the situations may not feel amusing or appropriate to you. If this is the case, please stop reading the story, or skip to the next appropriate section. The '14 and up' rating means literally, 'not suitable for those under 14', unlike the lame rating system used for movies and TV programs, which means, 'okay for 10 and up'.
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[TV-14 FVLN]
Last time on Tekkaman Z!
Lance has some fun while Omega looks on!
Omega: "You should have seen the look on your face right before it splattered all over you..."
Meanwhile, Blade and Saber are honing their fighting skills outside the Blue Earth when suddenly, the unthinkable happens! A section of the Orbital Space Ring has come loose and is falling towards the planet Earth! What a tragic, unexpected turn of events!
Shinya: "What?! Again? That's the third time this week!"
Meanwhile, Trunks and Goten are about to engage in some hot yaoi action! Unfortunately—for them, at least—Vegita inconveniently intrudes on them! Way to advance the plot!
In another place, Lieutenant Melders delegates to Lieutenant Izumi the task of delivering papers to the bald head of the Earth Allied Military, General Galt! But it seems that delivering those papers is the last thing on this lieutenant's mind!
Bakin: "Melders-kun! Aishiteru!"
Thanks to Melders' lack of knowledge of Japanese and to Akamatsu Reiko's furious fist, Bakin's secret is still unknown...will it stay that way for long?
Back to the actual plot (or lack thereof), Blade and Saber are making short work of Omega's buggers when who else but an enemy Tekkaman appears! And, boy, does he make short work of Blade! But it's not Lance...it's not Sword...it sure isn't Omega...actually, his name is—
Claude C. Kenni: "Teeeeeear into pieces!"
Well, his name might not be Claude, hero extraordinaire of Star Ocean: The Second Story, but with that mighty, fear-inspiring battle-cry, he makes short work of the chivalrous champion of Earth, Tekkaman Saber! Things aren't looking good for the heroes when our dainty damsel in distress steps in to save the day!
Back to more important matters, the Z Fighters have a barbecue!
Back to the battle, Rapier is no match for the Tekkaman, but she just might have a chance when he teaches her his ultimate sword technique, called—
Rapier: "Teeeeeear into pieces!"
Right. Luckily, Rapier has a backup plan to make short work of the Tekkaman and destroy the falling piece of the Space Ring at the same time! And what do you know—the prize for defeating the Tekkaman is the seven-star dragonball! What a creative, uncontrived sequence of events!
Who is this new girl with the pilot of Diamond fighter? Will this 'last time' ever end? Will there be a commerical break right after it? And if so, will it be long enough to go make some of Shinjo's Super Spicy Shrimp Surprise Sandwiches? On a less serious note, will Miyuki's life be saved, or will she be mercilessly ripped apart from the inside? The plot may advance, right here, right now, today, on...
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-[
Tekkaman Z]-
Episode 8: Legend of the Ascendant Radam
By: Kajitani Eizan
Setting: Day 2, about 3:00 PM, Capsule Corporation.
Miyuki Meter: 48.563 hours remaining. [========|========|========]
Phatness Gauge Z: 1234567
"Hey!" yelped Goten as Trunks rammed him. "That's not nice!"
Trunks laughed as he continued to pound Goten. Goten couldn't help but grunt in response to Trunks' experienced hands. Soon, he was screaming in agony.
"Trunks-chan, you're hurting me!" yelled Goten. He could feel that his (deleted) was burning with pain. It felt like his whole body was on fire. He could feel his (deleted) expanding. "AAAAAGGGGHHHH—"
Suddenly, Vegita barged into the room. "What the hell is all this racket—?!"
A long moment passed as none of the three spoke, Vegita staring at the two in shock, Trunks and Goten averting their eyes from Vegita's in shame.
"Help me God..." managed Vegita. "What the FUCK are you two doing?!"
"We...we were just trying..." mumbled Trunks.
"SPEAK UP, BOY!"
"I, I'm sorry, sir! We were just trying to reach the level of Ascendant Saiyan!" yelped Goten. His yellow battle aura accentuated the absurdly large muscles that he gained from reaching the said level.
"You IDIOTS! Ascendant Saiyan is the most worthless piece of crap possible! Look at you, Goten...you're soaked with blood from the beating you got, and what do you have to prove for it? Nothing! You can expand your muscles and move at the speed of that fat bastard of a Scot in the yellow jacket! Big fucking deal!"
Vegita left the room, disgusted. Hmm...I'm bored...should I go help those Space Knights out? Nah...
"Whew..." sighed a tired Goten. "At least he only caught us training..."
***
"Hmm...the Dragon Radar states that a dragonball is over in that direction," said Takaya. "Score one for my dear little sister!" He wrapped his left arm around the petite girl next to him, hugging her tightly.
Aki stiffened and got up to walk out the door.
"Good one, Taco," said Miyuki. "I'm on your right."
"That was smooth," commented Shinya as he discreetly swiped one of Ringo's many candy bars.
"Yeah, about as smooth as walnuts in your Cheerios," chimed in Ringo.
"Damn..." said Takaya. "She's still pissed off at me. But she's the one that was cheating on me for some bastard."
Shinya, Ringo, Mac, and Commander Jamison sneezed in unison. Takaya raised an eyebrow.
"Um...allergies," muttered Shinya. "Damn fat Scots in yellow jackets."
"Watch it, lad!"
***
"Oh, shit," groaned Lance. He had been flying for a couple of hours to reach Earth, and, of course, right in the middle of the time-consuming trip, nature called. The reentry into Earth's atmosphere was not pleasant, and right when he thought he was home free...
"SHIT! This is Alpha Gamma Bravo squad...it's an enemy Tekkaman!" Lance had heard over his comm. He turned to face the unit of fighter jets.
Please, God, not now! groaned Lance as he desperately tried to contain his intestinal pressure. He squeezed his cheeks together tighter, but to no avail—any moment now, his armor would be stained—
"Attack, men! Even if we must sacrifice ourselves, we must defend the planet!" shouted the leader. The squad began firing on Lance, some shots missing and crashing into nearby mountains, causing huge boulders to tumble down rocky slopes into large, placid lakes—
"AAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!" shouted Lance as he fired his thrusters full force to propel himself towards the nearest city.
Almost there! he thought. That seedy looking shop will do...
Citizens of the city screamed and ran away in a terrified mob, leaving the entrance to the shop unblocked. Lance crashed through the window of the shop and detransformed, rolling to avoid shards of flying glass.
"Sorry-but-I-need-to-use-your-bathroom!" he yelled to the store owner. He kicked open the bathroom door and tossed the man on the toilet across the shop.
Lance, you have failed to destroy Earth's defense forces! was the last thing that Lance heard before promptly passing out from the agreeable aroma that effluencely emanated from his porcelain perch.
***
"Hmm...the Dragon Radar seems to be pointing us towards that city..." observed Takaya.
"Guys!" shouted Aki as she ran back into the room. "Look at what's on the news!" She turned the vidscreen on.
"News Flash!" shouted the news anchor. The words 'Radam Tekkaman Burglarizes Porn Shop' scrolled across the bottom of the screen. "Just now, an enemy Tekkaman identified as 'Lance' was sighted near Angel Grove City by patrolling fighter jets! He crashed through the window of the nearest pornography retailer! Boy, he must have been desperate!"
"The Dragon Radar is pointing to that same city!" noted Takaya. "What an unexpected coincidence!"
"I wonder if they have the latest issue of Preteen Boys," muttered Mac. "I mean, of Playboy! Yes! I swear I am not turned on by that kind of stuff!" Everyone gave him an odd look.
"More shocking yet totally unrelated news!" announced the news anchor. "The store owner noted that around the same time, a crazy, naked madman streaked through his shop and ran to the bathroom. He is highly dangerous, not to mention highly naked."
"He was strong as an ox, and twice as buff!" shouted the bald old man onscreen, adjusting his red-rimmed sunglasses. "I was happily sitting on the toilet, reading a magazine, when this guy kicks down the door and flings me across the room! No one has any respect for little old men these days!"
"Maybe the naked guy is Lance...?" conjectured Shinya.
"What are you talking about?" asked Ringo. "Of course not. I think you have a passion fruit loose."
"Anyway," said Takaya, "we have to go find that dragonball. Surely its location will have no connection to this latest report on the news."
"TEK-SETTA!" chorused the Aiba twins.
Once again, the power of the emerald crystal endows Slade with impenetrable armor...quantum energy weapons...and superhuman powers...transforming him into the hero known as...TEKNOMAN!
"Um..." started Miyuki. "Why do you always say that while he tek-sets, Jamison-san?"
***
Not again! grimaced Galt. Now I'll have to toss these pants into the laundry as well. Why does that Tekkaman have to be so perfect? But a more immediate problem is, how do I get out of here without anyone noticing?
"Well, the General seems to have snapped out of his daydream," noted Reiko. She finished her Bun Wrap and started into her angel food cake.
"True," replied Melders, who finally decided to actually start eating his Bun Wrap.
I got it! thought Galt. They don't call me a brilliant strategist for nothing! I'll just spill some soda onto the stain to mask it.
He waited until somebody sat down at an adjacent table with a drink, then quickly got up and immediately stumbled over to the table. He 'accidentally' knocked over the person's drink and caused it to spill onto the affected area of his pants, effectively masking the stain.
"Oh no!" cried the beverage's owner. "My coffee!"
***
"A dragonball, you say?" asked the police officer. "Well, I think I saw something like what you're describing around that old man's neck when he walked into the shop. I was...patrolling the area. Yes."
"Hey, thanks," said Blade.
"Anything to help our savior," replied the officer.
"Hey, old fart," called Saber. "I want to talk to you!"
"Who are you calling an old fart?!" yelled the old man. "I am the great Kamesennin Mutenroshi, master of—"
"Yeah, yeah..." said Saber. "Have you seen a dragonball lately?"
"Well..." replied Kamesennin. "I would normally refuse to give it to anyone, but seeing as how you're Earth's only saviors..."
"So can we please have it?" asked Blade.
"Sure! But first—"
Blade and Saber groaned.
"...Well, I was going to ask you to go on a ridiculous fetch quest, then ask for a chance to 'admire' your girlfriend, or sister, or something, but seeing as how you're in a hurry, I'll just give it to you. Here." With that, Kamesennin reached under the neck of his shirt to pull out...
"What?! It's not here!" he exclaimed.
Blade and Saber groaned.
"I don't get it...how..." he pondered. "...?! Damn, I must have lost it when that crazy naked guy tossed me off the toilet in that por—um, nice little store yonder!"
"I knew that our search would bring us to that store," said Blade.
"Sure you did," snorted Saber. "Great. Now we'll have to go fight Lance."
"What are you talking about?" asked Blade. "We just need to confront a naked madman."
"Dense as high-density floppy disks..." muttered Saber.
***
"Lieutenant," said Reiko. "There's no point for us to stay here."
"But...I can't just leave Galt-sama alone here..." protested Melders. The two were waiting outside the emergency room section of the medical wing.
"Don't worry, he has plenty of nurses and doctors to take care of him," said Reiko.
"I guess..." said Melders. He got up to leave. "By the way, Reiko, I would like to say...aishiteru."
Reiko's face flushed red. "I..." she whispered.
"It's some Japanese I picked up from Lieutenant Izumi. It means 'how's it going' or something, right?"
Damn... thought Reiko. And I actually thought... "Uh...a, actually, it, it means...'I love you'."
Melders almost lost his balance. "WHAT?!"
***
Lance opened his eyes. The sight that met him was not a pretty one. A grungy sink stood a few feet from his position, and a wet, almost empty roll of toilet paper lay in its receptacle to his immediate right.
A knock on the door.
Now I remember...
"Lance!" shouted a voice on the other side of the door. "I know you're in there!"
What? thought Lance. That sounds like...!
"Tekkaman Saber!" boomed Lance. "How dare you turn traitor! Why did you turn away your true Radam family to join the filthy humans?"
"My true family is Takaya and Miyuki," retorted Saber. "You Radam are the ones who brainwashed me and took my family away from me!"
"The rest of your family is gone because they were too weak to handle the power of the Tekkaman!" said Lance. "We are more humane than you humans; we at least put our weak out of their misery, feed the hungry, shelter the battered..."
"Not only did that make no sense," replied Saber, "it was also completely irrelevant to our discussion. Now, are you going to come out here, or will I have to come in there?"
"Hahahaha..." laughed Lance. "What you don't realize is that that whole argument was an elaborate ploy!"
"What...?" whispered Saber, his eyes widening.
"In the time that you have been idly standing by, engaging in a meaningless discussion, I have been..."
"SHIT!" shouted Saber. "You...you've become an Ascendant Tekkaman!"
"That's right! And now...I have finished wiping my ass!"
Lance flushed the toilet, washed his hands with soap and running water, and whipped out his tek-set.
"Now face my awesome destructive power! Ascendant Tek-Setta!"
"You!" Blade shouted to the shopkeeper and the nearby police. "RUN!"
***
General Galt lay on his bed, exhausted from the day's ordeal. He had suffered minor burns, but they would heal quickly.
I guess that I can't think about Blade for a few hours... thought Galt. Darn.
A nurse walked into the room. "General, how are you feeling?" she asked.
"Fine," he replied. Suddenly, he stiffened as he felt a hand explore where it should not have been.
"Let's get to...know each other..." she whispered.
Galt grabbed her hand and pushed it away, glaring at her with steely eyes. The nurse backed away, surprised.
"Sorry," growled Galt, "but I don't swing that way."
"Good afternoon, then," managed the nurse before backing out of the room.
Stupid nurses... thought Galt.
***
Saber dived as the bathroom door burst off of its hinges and flew across the room. He stared up at the tall figure standing in the midst of the dust cloud, the Ascendant Tekkaman Lance.
"Oh, and by the way," chuckled Lance. "I have a little secret weapon built into my Ascendant armor. Do you recognize this crystal?"
"Oh no..." whispered Blade. "That crystal...is what prevented me from tek-setting when Gunnar set us up on the Space Ring!"
"That's right!" boomed Lance. "Neither of you can tek-set now, and you're up against an Ascendant Tekkaman! It's impossible to win! You will either rejoin the Radam or die!"
"No..." whispered Blade. "Not again...I don't want to lose my crystal again..."
"Except we're already in our Tekkaman forms," said Saber.
"Hahaha, I told you, you are helpless before...?!" started Lance. "What?!"
"That makes your secret weapon kinda useless, now, doesn't it?" gloated Saber. "Alright, Takaya, we'll take him together...you go in slowly and I..."
"I'm taking him now!" shouted Blade, running forward.
"No, Takaya, no!" shouted Saber, but it was already too late. "NO!"
Pink jets of goo streamed forth from Lance's outstretched hand, crashing into Blade and tossing him across the room. He lay, spasming, trying to free himself from the sticky stuff, but to no avail.
"As you see, my Radam powers are far beyond yours," Lance gloated to Saber. "Now...back down."
Lance fired his jets at Saber, who twirled his lance and deflected the pink, gelatinous goo.
"I don't think so," returned Saber.
Man, this dialogue is so shitty... thought Omega.
***
"Ohhh...yes...yes...yes!"
"How does that feel?" purred the brown-haired girl. "Good?"
"Yes! YES! Ohhhh! I'm, I'm...!"
The brown-haired girl continued her actions as her lover continued to moan. Finally, the little red go-cart reached the bottom of the proverbial hill, accelerating at 9.80 m/s/s, assuming of course that air resistance and friction—
"I love you, Kisaragi-san," whispered the brown-haired girl into her lover's ear.
"Me...too..." she replied, breathing heavily. "I...just...hope...he doesn't...find out..."
"Just think about the present for now," murmured the brown-haired girl as she deepened her embrace.
***
Saber cursed under his breath. The battle was not boding well for him. Lance's Ascendant powers were just too much for him alone; each of his swipes and punches knocked him backwards from their sheer force. His armor was cracked and chipped in a few places. He barely dodged another powerful swipe from Lance and countered with his own thrust, only to have it blocked, causing his arm to fly to the side from the transferred momentum. Saber gasped, realizing that he was wide open to attack.
"Now it is time for what you have dreaded and for what I have been expecting all this time," gloated Lance. "It is the time to die!"
Saber squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to watch Lance's lance penetrating his abdomen.
Suddenly, a blue bolt came out of nowhere, knocking Lance's lance to one side.
"What the hell kind of dialogue is that?" asked an incredulous Ringo. "It's almost like chicken francaise minus the soy sauce!"
"Soltekkaman..." growled Lance.
"Man, am I glad to see you," said Saber. He landed next to Ringo.
"Do I always have to be here to save your apple pies?" joked Ringo.
"Hahahaha...our whole little battle here has been an elaborate ploy!" chuckled Lance.
"What, you spent this time picking your nose with your tongue, thereby increasing your airflow and thus your overall battle effectiveness?" queried Saber.
"No, much worse," replied Lance. "I have been charging up...the Ascendant Voltekker!"
"Oh SHIT!" yelled Saber. He opened up his Voltekker cells and charged them as quickly as he could—
"FOOL!" boomed Lance. He raised his arm and fired his jets.
Saber tried to move, but he was too late. The pink goo stuck to Ringo and himself, trapping the two and blocking Saber's Voltekker cells.
"Hahahaha...without your precious Sai-Voltekker, how will you defend yourself against my Ascendant Voltekker?" gloated Lance.
"Like this!" shouted Miyuki. She burst into the shop.
"You shouldn't be in a seedy place like this!" burst out Saber and Lance.
"Jeez, I'm old enough now! And I'm going to stop you, Lance!" yelled Miyuki. "Tek-setta!"
"Miyuki, no!"
A pink glow surrounded Miyuki as her began her transformation. Suddenly, her crystal field changed. Needles emerged from the edges of the field and stabbed Miyuki, causing her to scream out in pain.
"It's too bad that my Ascendant armor comes packed with these transformation-preventing crystals," smirked Lance. "Maybe I would have had fun beating you to a pulp." He walked over to Miyuki and smacked her in the stomach, sending her flying to the same corner that Blade lay in.
"Aww, how sweet," purred Lance. "I should destroy you two next. You'll all die as one big, happy family."
"Hey, listen here, you limburger," said Ringo. "I'm not related to these three; can't you spare me at least?"
"Ringo, you bastard!" yelled Saber.
"Hmm...good point..." mused Lance. "I think you're right. But still, I think I'll kill you anyway. So, this is goodbye! ASCENDANT VOL-TEKKA!"
***
Son Goku peered into the seedy-looking shop as he passed by.
"Man," he said, shaking his head, "crazy kids with their costumes these days..."
He squinted a bit more, examining the armored forms in the doorway and the approaching yellow energy beam.
"Well, I'd better finish my shopping," he said, continuing on his way.
***
Trunks couldn't help but stare at Goten's hand. It was currently moving forward and back, forward and back, pumping the rounded rod with a rhythmic sound. Occasionally, his hand would slip because of the moisture on the rod. His other hand firmly grasped the protrusion under the rod, one finger resting on it in a gentle, almost caressing manner.
I can't...hold myself back...any longer... thought Trunks.
Goten cried out as the spray hit his face, an unending stream of wetness.
"Trunks!" yelled Goten.
Trunks grinned as he continued to spray Goten in the face, then yelped as Goten's own spray connected with his own face. "Ow, that hurts!"
"That's because I pumped it like two hundred times," replied Goten. "Man, this Super Soaker 5000XP kicks ass!"
"Stupid kids, playing with water guns," Vegita muttered. "Why the hell don't they get off their asses and train? Maybe I should send them out to investigate this 'alien invasion' thing I've been hearing about...Nah."
***
"Oh no, we're French toast!" cried out Ringo, seeing the Ascendant Voltekker bolt approach with alarming rapidity.
"Vol-tekka!"
Suddenly, a green Voltekker bolt collided with Lance's yellow one, deflecting it upwards, causing it to barely miss Saber's head.
"What?!" shouted Lance.
"You didn't think I was that stupid, did you?" chuckled Miyuki. "I was eavesdropping on your earlier conversation; I knew that you had those special crystals. My true purpose was to get in here and free Takaya without you noticing." She held up the laser cutter she had in her hand and revealed the body armor that she was wearing under her ripped shirt.
"All I had to do is Voltekker your bolt into space. And now that Shinya and I are free," said Takaya, gesturing to where Miyuki was freeing Saber and Ringo, "we can take you down."
"Well then, let's have a Voltekker battle, right here, right now," replied Lance. "You two are going up in smoke!"
"Let's do it to it!" yelled Blade.
"I'll be in the Blue Earth, seeing as how you two don't need my help," said Ringo. "See ya!"
The Aiba brothers stood side by side, facing Lance together. All three Tekkamen charged up their Voltekker cells.
"ASCENDANT—"
"Hey, Lance!" yelled Miyuki. "Your shoe is untied!"
"Sure it is," replied Lance. "That asinine attempt at distraction doesn't make sense for multiple reasons. First, being in Tekkaman armor, I'm not wearing shoes. Second—"
"VOL-TEKKA!" shouted Blade and Saber.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."
The three Aiba siblings watched as Lance sailed off into low earth orbit, riding on a blue and green comet.
"Man, he'll be pissed when he comes back down here," said Blade.
"Yep," replied Saber, nodding his armored head.
A few moments of silence passed.
"Well, I guess we better pick up that dragonball in the bathroom over there," said Blade.
Saber stepped into the bathroom, thankful that his mask protected him from the rancid odor that would have otherwise invaded the tender interiors of his nostrils.
"Now where could this thing be?" he asked, looking around, his eyes finally zeroing in on the toilet bowl.
"You find it yet?" Miyuki called impatiently from outside the bathroom.
Damn it, Miyuki. The crap I go through for you, he grunted, slowly reaching forward and sticking his hand into the toilet bowl, hoping that the ball in the water wasn't tainted with traces of Lance's fecal remnants. He slowly pulled it out and handed it to Miyuki.
"Eureka!" cheered Miyuki, kissing the orange sphere.
"Only four more to go..." murmured Saber as he washed his armored hands with soap and running water.
"Hey look, there's some random buggers attacking that random city for no reason whatsoever!" cried Miyuki.
Fools... chuckled Omega. Soon, my dark banner of cosmos...the spreading region...um...what the hell am I talking about again?
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Next time on Tekkaman Z!
What's this? Might the crew find yet another dragonball? Melders and Bakin together alone? Just what is Melders doing? Who was that girl with Watts, the pilot of Diamond fighter? Will Takaya and Aki finally settle their differences? Will Galt heal? Will Mac eat five more hamburgers? We'll find out, next time on Tekkaman Z!
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End Chapter 8