Psychopaths Anonymous
The Second Meeting
Note: Jessica was my old roommate in my dorm. The Theodore joke refers to an episode of "I Love Lucy"
Jessica: I thought there were actually supposed to be people at this meeting. . .
Chenin: Yeah, I thought so too. Everybody's late!
(Suddenly the door flies open and Buffalo Bill walks in)
Bill: I'm here!
Chenin: (sarcastically) Goodie. . .
Bill: (looks at Jessica) Oh. . .we have somebody new today. Excuse me, Miss, but could I use some of your skin?
Jessica: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! (runs and hides behind Chenin) It's that freaky weirdo guy!!!! Get him AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chenin: Would you relax??? Bill, I think you'd better just forget about skin during these meetings, okay?
Bill: But my suit is almost complete and I just need-
Chenin: BILL!!! I told you not to talk about it!! Now sit down and shut up like a good little boy!
Bill: But I'm a-
Chenin: Yeah, alright! Like a good little woman. (whispering to herself) Freak. . .
Jessica: C-can I come out now?
Chenin: Yeah. He's not gonna bother anybody anymore.
Jessica: (crawls back to her chair) Okay, but keep him away from me.
Chenin: No problem.
Bill: Where is everyone?
Chenin: (getting frustrated) They seem to be late.
Bill: I see you brought the dogs back.
Chenin: (looks down at the large group of dogs sitting behind her) Yeah, I thought they were cute so I kept them all.
Jessica: We gave them all names.
Bill: That's nice.
(The door opens and Hannibal walks in with Tiffany hanging on his arm)
Tiffany: Hi!
Chenin: YOU'RE LAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Tiffany and Hannibal back away)
Hannibal: W-we're sorry.
Tiffany: Please don't kill us!!
Chenin: JUST SIT DOWN!!!!! (mumbling to herself) For God's sake, can't anybody be on time anymore!? . . .Just pisses me off. . .
Jessica: Maybe you'd better get a drink or something, Chenin. . .
Chenin: I WILL NOT!!! I'M FINE!! It just annoys me a little bit that nobody can be on time for ANYTHING!!
Jessica: What about all those times you slept in and were late for class?
Chenin: Don't. . .help me.. .
Tiffany: Hey, you still have the dogs!
Chenin: Yeah, aren't they cute? Me and Jessica named them all. See this one is Seymour, this one is Katie, this one is Spot, this one is Rover, and this one is.THEODORE!!!!
(Chenin and Jessica burst out laughing)
Tiffany: What's so funny about Theodore?
Chenin: It's an inside joke. . .
Tiffany: Oh... Bill: What about those other two?
Chenin: Oh, these two are mates. The dogs formed a sort of pack and they're the alpha dogs. I named them myself! This one is Hannibal and this one is Clarice!
Hannibal: Huh?
(Chenin smiles warmly at Hannibal)
Hannibal: (sighs and smiles sadly) That's a nice idea. . .
Tiffany: Well, where is Mason Verger? He's the only one that's not here.
Chenin: He's the latest of all of you. He's gonna be in big trouble when he gets here. . . (rubs hands together and smiles evilly).
Hannibal: It looks like she's devised a sinister plot.
Jessica: I wouldn't be surprised. . .
(The door creaks open and a few doctors push Mason Verger in on a wheelchair with IVs attached to it. Both of Mason's legs are in large casts.)
Chenin: How dare you!!! (points at Mason accusingly) You are UNBELIEVABLY late!!!
Mason: I'm forry, bush theshe docshers had to firish shetting zuh bonesh in my regsh!
Chenin: THAT'S NO EXCUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hannibal: She's kind of scary. . .
Tiffany: Uhh, yeah. . .
Mason: (points to dogs) Becuf of vose dogsh rasht week, my regsh are now fermanenshly pararyshed! (suddenly does a double-take and looks at the dogs again) VAISH A MINUSH!!!!!!!! VHY ARE SHOSE DOGSH SHTILL HERE!!!!!???????
Chenin: Now you be nice to these doggies!!! It's not their fault you got paralyzed!
Mason: Vell, zen whosh faulsh ish it!!???
Chenin: I don't know! All I know is that these dogs wouldn't have knocked over the table you were standing on if they hadn't been chasing after that stick I threw-uh, well, it doesn't really matter whose fault it is!!! (laughs nervously).
Hannibal: Now can we get on with this meeting? I'm having a friend for dinner at eight.
Chenin: I'm not even going to ask. . . Well, anyway, I guess we can start the meeting now. Alright, let's go around the circle and introduce ourselves properly.
Mason: Herro, my name ish Mafon Verver and I am a fycopaph.
Hannibal: Hello, my name is Dr. Hannibal Lecter and I am not a psychopath.
Bill: Hello, my name is Buffalo Bill and I am a woman.
Chenin: Well, I suppose that'll have to do. . .
(Suddenly the door flies open and Clarice Starling rushes in holding up a gun)
Clarice: Alright, everybody FREEZE!!
Hannibal: Clarice?
Clarice: You're all under arrest!!
Chenin: On what grounds!?
Clarice: Fraternizing with two vicious serial killers!!!
Chenin: Fraternizing with. . . WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!!!????
Clarice: I have to arrest Buffalo Bill and Hannibal Lecter!!!!
Chenin: Sorry, but they are all immune during this meeting. This is a national organization, after all.
Clarice: Oh. (walks around and takes a good look at everybody there) So, this is a national organization, huh? You don't have many members.
Chenin: Yeah. It's so hard to find good psychopaths nowadays!
Clarice: Is Dr. Lecter a psychopath?
Chenin: Well, he's sort of here for two purposes. We need another member and he can also help analyze the real psychopaths.
Clarice: I see. . .
Bill: Hey! You're that FBI agent who caught me!!! You meany!!!
(Bill lunges at Clarice, and Clarice grabs onto Hannibal)
Clarice: GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!!! GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!!!!
Hannibal: Why, Clarice, I didn't know you cared!
Clarice: (suddenly notices that she's holding onto Hannibal) AHH!! (backs away from Hannibal) Get HIM away from me! Get HIM away from me!!!
Hannibal: (shrugs) So much for that.
Tiffany: Poor Hanni. . .
Mason: Vell, Agent Shtarling, so nish to shee you again.
Clarice: You shut up! I don't even want to look at YOU!! You almost got me fired!!
(Mason laughs)
Hannibal: Mason, you're being very rude.
Mason: Oh, who caresh! You can'sh eash me in here becaush zis Fenin girl wirr get shued!
Chenin: That's Chenin. . .
Clarice: You mean he's not allowed to eat people?
Chenin: Just not Mason or Bill.
Clarice: And he follows the rules?
Hannibal: Hey, I have respect for a national organization!!
Clarice: (looks away) I see. . .
Chenin: You can stay for the meeting but you must promise not to arrest anybody.
Clarice: I suppose that's alright. But only for the meeting.
Chenin: Okay, then why don't you have a seat?
Tiffany: Here, you can have my seat! (she moves out of her seat next to Hannibal and to Jessica's old seat).
Clarice: (looks reluctant but finally goes over and sits by Hannibal) Now, Dr. Lecter, I promise I will not arrest you during these meetings, but any other time is fair game and I will go after you.
Hannibal: That's fair enough, Clarice.
Clarice: So during these meetings we will put all our past issues behind us and just be ourselves. But only during the meetings.
Hannibal: I understand.
Clarice: (suddenly throws her arms around Hannibal) Oh, HANNIBAL!!!!!
Hannibal: Cl-Clarice. . .?
Clarice: Now that I don't have to arrest you I can finally tell you the truth! And it's that I love you!!! I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chenin: (smiles with satisfaction) Somehow, I knew this would happen.
Tiffany: Yeah, it's really cute isn't it?
Jessica: Yeah, it's so cute!
(Mason and Bill start making gagging noises)
Clarice: Hannibal, please don't play any games with me during this meeting! Tell me what you're thinking right now! Tell me the truth!
Hannibal: The truth, Clarice, is that I've always loved you.
Clarice: Oh, Hannibal. . .I've always loved you too!!
(They kiss)
Mason: Ofay, can ve talksh aboush me now?
Chenin: Why would we want to do that?
Clarice: My thoughts exactly. . .
Bill: I'm a woman!!
Chenin: I think you're a little too obsessed with that notion, Bill.
Clarice: You should eat him, Hannibal!
Hannibal: I love it when you call me Hannibal, Clarice. . .
Clarice: (leans against Hannibal) Oh, Hannibal!
Hannibal: Clarice. . .
Clarice: (notices Hannibal's missing hand) Oh. . .Hannibal, your hand. . .
Hannibal: Oh. . .
Clarice: I'm so sorry. . .
Hannibal: Clarice, it's alright. . . I did what I had to do. There was no other way.
Clarice: You should've cut my hand off.
Hannibal: You know I would never hurt you. You've always known that.
Clarice: (hugs him) Yes, I have. Thank you, Hannibal.
Chenin: Uh oh. It's almost 7:30! Time to end this meeting!
Clarice: Hannibal, we have to say good-bye now. . .Once the meeting is over it can't be like this. . .
Hannibal: I know. Good-bye, my beautiful Starling. . .
Clarice: Good-bye, my sweet Dr. Lecter. . .
(Mason and Bill make more gagging noises)
Chenin: Shut up, I wanna hear this!
Hannibal: Remember, Clarice... . .even when we aren't here. . .I'll always love you.
Clarice: Yes, Hannibal. And no matter how I act outside these meetings. . .I'll always love you!
Hannibal: Then, we shall meet again at 6:00 on Saturday?
Clarice: I'll be here.
Hannibal: Yes. . . Until then, Clarice!
Clarice: Until then.
(They kiss)
Chenin: Alright, this meeting is now officially adjurned!
Clarice: (backs away from Hannibal and glares at him) Stay away from me, Dr. Lecter. I will arrest you someday, believe me.
Hannibal: (shakes his head) Ah, Clarice, you are so determined. But I will never allow myself to be incarcerated again.
Clarice: It's only fair that I give you an hour to escape. But after that I will chase you down and find you! And you will come into the custody of the FBI.
Hannibal: The F. . .B. . .I... . .They despise you and hate you and yet you're still so devoted to them. I admire your courage, Clarice, but I will not relinquish my freedom.
Clarice: We'll just see... . .
Tiffany: C'mon, Hanni, let's go.
Hannibal: Yes, Tiffany, let's. Good-bye, everyone. . .(smiles lightly) Good- bye, Clarice. . .
Chenin: Good-bye! See you Saturday!
Jessica: Bye!
(Clarice just glares silently at Hannibal as he and Tiffany leave)
Mason: Vell, I have to ve getting back to zuh hoshpital. I wirr be back on Shaturday.
Chenin: (sarcastically) Yay. . .
Bill: I gotta go, too.
(He and Mason leave)
Clarice: (to Chenin) Thank you for letting me be here for these meetings. It's the only time I have with.. .Dr. Lecter. . .
Chenin: No problem! We'll be glad to have you! The more sane people there are, the easier it is to deal with Mason and Bill!
Clarice: (laughs) That's true. . .Well, good-bye! I'll be back on Saturday.
Chenin: Bye!
Jessica: Bye!
(Clarice leaves and then Chenin, Jessica, and the dogs leave in the other direction).
Note: Jessica was my old roommate in my dorm. The Theodore joke refers to an episode of "I Love Lucy"
Jessica: I thought there were actually supposed to be people at this meeting. . .
Chenin: Yeah, I thought so too. Everybody's late!
(Suddenly the door flies open and Buffalo Bill walks in)
Bill: I'm here!
Chenin: (sarcastically) Goodie. . .
Bill: (looks at Jessica) Oh. . .we have somebody new today. Excuse me, Miss, but could I use some of your skin?
Jessica: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! (runs and hides behind Chenin) It's that freaky weirdo guy!!!! Get him AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chenin: Would you relax??? Bill, I think you'd better just forget about skin during these meetings, okay?
Bill: But my suit is almost complete and I just need-
Chenin: BILL!!! I told you not to talk about it!! Now sit down and shut up like a good little boy!
Bill: But I'm a-
Chenin: Yeah, alright! Like a good little woman. (whispering to herself) Freak. . .
Jessica: C-can I come out now?
Chenin: Yeah. He's not gonna bother anybody anymore.
Jessica: (crawls back to her chair) Okay, but keep him away from me.
Chenin: No problem.
Bill: Where is everyone?
Chenin: (getting frustrated) They seem to be late.
Bill: I see you brought the dogs back.
Chenin: (looks down at the large group of dogs sitting behind her) Yeah, I thought they were cute so I kept them all.
Jessica: We gave them all names.
Bill: That's nice.
(The door opens and Hannibal walks in with Tiffany hanging on his arm)
Tiffany: Hi!
Chenin: YOU'RE LAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Tiffany and Hannibal back away)
Hannibal: W-we're sorry.
Tiffany: Please don't kill us!!
Chenin: JUST SIT DOWN!!!!! (mumbling to herself) For God's sake, can't anybody be on time anymore!? . . .Just pisses me off. . .
Jessica: Maybe you'd better get a drink or something, Chenin. . .
Chenin: I WILL NOT!!! I'M FINE!! It just annoys me a little bit that nobody can be on time for ANYTHING!!
Jessica: What about all those times you slept in and were late for class?
Chenin: Don't. . .help me.. .
Tiffany: Hey, you still have the dogs!
Chenin: Yeah, aren't they cute? Me and Jessica named them all. See this one is Seymour, this one is Katie, this one is Spot, this one is Rover, and this one is.THEODORE!!!!
(Chenin and Jessica burst out laughing)
Tiffany: What's so funny about Theodore?
Chenin: It's an inside joke. . .
Tiffany: Oh... Bill: What about those other two?
Chenin: Oh, these two are mates. The dogs formed a sort of pack and they're the alpha dogs. I named them myself! This one is Hannibal and this one is Clarice!
Hannibal: Huh?
(Chenin smiles warmly at Hannibal)
Hannibal: (sighs and smiles sadly) That's a nice idea. . .
Tiffany: Well, where is Mason Verger? He's the only one that's not here.
Chenin: He's the latest of all of you. He's gonna be in big trouble when he gets here. . . (rubs hands together and smiles evilly).
Hannibal: It looks like she's devised a sinister plot.
Jessica: I wouldn't be surprised. . .
(The door creaks open and a few doctors push Mason Verger in on a wheelchair with IVs attached to it. Both of Mason's legs are in large casts.)
Chenin: How dare you!!! (points at Mason accusingly) You are UNBELIEVABLY late!!!
Mason: I'm forry, bush theshe docshers had to firish shetting zuh bonesh in my regsh!
Chenin: THAT'S NO EXCUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hannibal: She's kind of scary. . .
Tiffany: Uhh, yeah. . .
Mason: (points to dogs) Becuf of vose dogsh rasht week, my regsh are now fermanenshly pararyshed! (suddenly does a double-take and looks at the dogs again) VAISH A MINUSH!!!!!!!! VHY ARE SHOSE DOGSH SHTILL HERE!!!!!???????
Chenin: Now you be nice to these doggies!!! It's not their fault you got paralyzed!
Mason: Vell, zen whosh faulsh ish it!!???
Chenin: I don't know! All I know is that these dogs wouldn't have knocked over the table you were standing on if they hadn't been chasing after that stick I threw-uh, well, it doesn't really matter whose fault it is!!! (laughs nervously).
Hannibal: Now can we get on with this meeting? I'm having a friend for dinner at eight.
Chenin: I'm not even going to ask. . . Well, anyway, I guess we can start the meeting now. Alright, let's go around the circle and introduce ourselves properly.
Mason: Herro, my name ish Mafon Verver and I am a fycopaph.
Hannibal: Hello, my name is Dr. Hannibal Lecter and I am not a psychopath.
Bill: Hello, my name is Buffalo Bill and I am a woman.
Chenin: Well, I suppose that'll have to do. . .
(Suddenly the door flies open and Clarice Starling rushes in holding up a gun)
Clarice: Alright, everybody FREEZE!!
Hannibal: Clarice?
Clarice: You're all under arrest!!
Chenin: On what grounds!?
Clarice: Fraternizing with two vicious serial killers!!!
Chenin: Fraternizing with. . . WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!!!????
Clarice: I have to arrest Buffalo Bill and Hannibal Lecter!!!!
Chenin: Sorry, but they are all immune during this meeting. This is a national organization, after all.
Clarice: Oh. (walks around and takes a good look at everybody there) So, this is a national organization, huh? You don't have many members.
Chenin: Yeah. It's so hard to find good psychopaths nowadays!
Clarice: Is Dr. Lecter a psychopath?
Chenin: Well, he's sort of here for two purposes. We need another member and he can also help analyze the real psychopaths.
Clarice: I see. . .
Bill: Hey! You're that FBI agent who caught me!!! You meany!!!
(Bill lunges at Clarice, and Clarice grabs onto Hannibal)
Clarice: GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!!! GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!!!!
Hannibal: Why, Clarice, I didn't know you cared!
Clarice: (suddenly notices that she's holding onto Hannibal) AHH!! (backs away from Hannibal) Get HIM away from me! Get HIM away from me!!!
Hannibal: (shrugs) So much for that.
Tiffany: Poor Hanni. . .
Mason: Vell, Agent Shtarling, so nish to shee you again.
Clarice: You shut up! I don't even want to look at YOU!! You almost got me fired!!
(Mason laughs)
Hannibal: Mason, you're being very rude.
Mason: Oh, who caresh! You can'sh eash me in here becaush zis Fenin girl wirr get shued!
Chenin: That's Chenin. . .
Clarice: You mean he's not allowed to eat people?
Chenin: Just not Mason or Bill.
Clarice: And he follows the rules?
Hannibal: Hey, I have respect for a national organization!!
Clarice: (looks away) I see. . .
Chenin: You can stay for the meeting but you must promise not to arrest anybody.
Clarice: I suppose that's alright. But only for the meeting.
Chenin: Okay, then why don't you have a seat?
Tiffany: Here, you can have my seat! (she moves out of her seat next to Hannibal and to Jessica's old seat).
Clarice: (looks reluctant but finally goes over and sits by Hannibal) Now, Dr. Lecter, I promise I will not arrest you during these meetings, but any other time is fair game and I will go after you.
Hannibal: That's fair enough, Clarice.
Clarice: So during these meetings we will put all our past issues behind us and just be ourselves. But only during the meetings.
Hannibal: I understand.
Clarice: (suddenly throws her arms around Hannibal) Oh, HANNIBAL!!!!!
Hannibal: Cl-Clarice. . .?
Clarice: Now that I don't have to arrest you I can finally tell you the truth! And it's that I love you!!! I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chenin: (smiles with satisfaction) Somehow, I knew this would happen.
Tiffany: Yeah, it's really cute isn't it?
Jessica: Yeah, it's so cute!
(Mason and Bill start making gagging noises)
Clarice: Hannibal, please don't play any games with me during this meeting! Tell me what you're thinking right now! Tell me the truth!
Hannibal: The truth, Clarice, is that I've always loved you.
Clarice: Oh, Hannibal. . .I've always loved you too!!
(They kiss)
Mason: Ofay, can ve talksh aboush me now?
Chenin: Why would we want to do that?
Clarice: My thoughts exactly. . .
Bill: I'm a woman!!
Chenin: I think you're a little too obsessed with that notion, Bill.
Clarice: You should eat him, Hannibal!
Hannibal: I love it when you call me Hannibal, Clarice. . .
Clarice: (leans against Hannibal) Oh, Hannibal!
Hannibal: Clarice. . .
Clarice: (notices Hannibal's missing hand) Oh. . .Hannibal, your hand. . .
Hannibal: Oh. . .
Clarice: I'm so sorry. . .
Hannibal: Clarice, it's alright. . . I did what I had to do. There was no other way.
Clarice: You should've cut my hand off.
Hannibal: You know I would never hurt you. You've always known that.
Clarice: (hugs him) Yes, I have. Thank you, Hannibal.
Chenin: Uh oh. It's almost 7:30! Time to end this meeting!
Clarice: Hannibal, we have to say good-bye now. . .Once the meeting is over it can't be like this. . .
Hannibal: I know. Good-bye, my beautiful Starling. . .
Clarice: Good-bye, my sweet Dr. Lecter. . .
(Mason and Bill make more gagging noises)
Chenin: Shut up, I wanna hear this!
Hannibal: Remember, Clarice... . .even when we aren't here. . .I'll always love you.
Clarice: Yes, Hannibal. And no matter how I act outside these meetings. . .I'll always love you!
Hannibal: Then, we shall meet again at 6:00 on Saturday?
Clarice: I'll be here.
Hannibal: Yes. . . Until then, Clarice!
Clarice: Until then.
(They kiss)
Chenin: Alright, this meeting is now officially adjurned!
Clarice: (backs away from Hannibal and glares at him) Stay away from me, Dr. Lecter. I will arrest you someday, believe me.
Hannibal: (shakes his head) Ah, Clarice, you are so determined. But I will never allow myself to be incarcerated again.
Clarice: It's only fair that I give you an hour to escape. But after that I will chase you down and find you! And you will come into the custody of the FBI.
Hannibal: The F. . .B. . .I... . .They despise you and hate you and yet you're still so devoted to them. I admire your courage, Clarice, but I will not relinquish my freedom.
Clarice: We'll just see... . .
Tiffany: C'mon, Hanni, let's go.
Hannibal: Yes, Tiffany, let's. Good-bye, everyone. . .(smiles lightly) Good- bye, Clarice. . .
Chenin: Good-bye! See you Saturday!
Jessica: Bye!
(Clarice just glares silently at Hannibal as he and Tiffany leave)
Mason: Vell, I have to ve getting back to zuh hoshpital. I wirr be back on Shaturday.
Chenin: (sarcastically) Yay. . .
Bill: I gotta go, too.
(He and Mason leave)
Clarice: (to Chenin) Thank you for letting me be here for these meetings. It's the only time I have with.. .Dr. Lecter. . .
Chenin: No problem! We'll be glad to have you! The more sane people there are, the easier it is to deal with Mason and Bill!
Clarice: (laughs) That's true. . .Well, good-bye! I'll be back on Saturday.
Chenin: Bye!
Jessica: Bye!
(Clarice leaves and then Chenin, Jessica, and the dogs leave in the other direction).