The Greatest One Sided Fight Ever..
By Keiya Tenpouin
Disclaimers - I don't own Kingdom Hearts (Disney and Square) or Grand Theft Auto (Rockstar).
A/N - If you consider this GTA3 and GTA: Vice City Bashing, go ahead and think that. After playing all three games anyway, I believe I am one of the few that thinks KH is better than GTA. Sacrilegious? Maybe. (Flame if you want, I don't give a flying fuck.) Oh, I got this idea of the GameFAQs Kingdom Hearts message board, but I made this my way.
Summary - The GTA3 guy and Tommy Vercetti from Vice City are at the Olympus Coliseum, threatening Phil when they are stopped by..Sephiroth . Sensing disrespect, they challenge him to the Platinum match... Called the "GREATEST ONE SIDED FIGHT EVER!!!!!!" (Attended by Sora, Donald, and Goofy, naturally.)
It all started when...
"What do ya want?? I'm getting things ready for the Gameees." Phil said, (stretching the e in games out again) while cleaning the sign near the arena.
"What do I want short shit? Me and my friend here want all your fucking money, so else we'll blow your freakin' head off. We need some more money for our multiple strip joints in our respective cities."
The other guy just nodded silently, stoking his baseball bat.
Phil turned around, and noticed the guy in the Hawaiian shirt had an Uzi pointed at his head.
"Now, where is the money?"
"M-money??? I don't have any money? I have munny! But none of your money! Honest!"
"Do you believe this cocksucker?" The other guy just shook his head 'no'.
"Well, too bad then.."
He was about to pull the trigger when...
"Phil! Stop sending me these losers to the Platinum Match when they can't even take one sword swipe!!!!!"
"Uhh..Sephiroth? I need a little help here.."
He walked over, picked up the guy with the gun, and threw him towards the other wall, completely ignoring them.
"You'll need help from me if you can't send me a challenge!!!!!!"
"But .."
""HEY!!! NO ONE DISRESPECTS TOMMY VERCETTI LIKE THAT!!!"
Sephiroth looked towards the guy he threw away, and his friend.
"Who in the hell do you think you are?? I am the most feared man in Vice City! And my friend here is pretty feared himself!!!! So what makes you think you can disrespect us like that?!?!?"
Sephiroth had a blank look on his face.
"Umm..who are you again??"
"I am Tommy Vercetti. I am From Grand Theft Auto Vice City! This is the GTA3 guy from Grand Theft Auto 3! And now we're gonna rip off your freakin' head!!"
"Then you don't know who I am, apparently."
"Does it matta'? You're a dead man anyways!"
"I highly doubt that a mere, lowlife human such as yourself can last 2 seconds with the great Sephiroth!!!"
"You won't last 2 seconds against us pretty boy. Bring it."
Phil intervened and stopped the likely bloodbath from taking place in HIS lobby.
"Hey I got an idea! Why don't you three fight it out in the Platinum Match tomorrow?"
"Phil, they will be a waste of my time..but I will fight them anyway."
"We'll see ya tomorrow then chump." Vercetti said, and walked away.
The GTA3 Guy flipped off the One Winged Angel and followed him.
As soon as they were out of hearing range, Phil said, "Don't make it too messy, ok? I gotta clean it up after."
"Hmph. Whatever. They won't last more than 2 minutes." Sephiroth said walking away.
"This is gonna be a long day...better start promoting!!!!!" Phil said, happily.
THE NEXT DAY....
Sora, Donald, and Goofy were walking towards the Lobby again. They wanted some free experience points, so they wanted to beat the hell out of the Rock Titan and the Ice Titan again. Last time they were here? Sora beat Sephiroth, but barely.
"PHIL!!!! HERC!!!!! WE WANNA FIGHT THE TITANS AGAIN!!!!!!" Donald Duck yelled.
Phil came running out, and said "We have one hell of a crowd in there!!!"
"What for?" Sora asked.
"The GTA3 and Vice City guys are in the Platinum match!" "Against that there Sephiroth?" "Yeah!! I billed it as the "GREATEST ONE SIDED FIGHT EVER!!!!" "
"Good title. But how many people know Sephiroth is the Platinum match?" "You, me, your companions, Herc, and the people who died against him!"
"Cloud?"
"He has no clue!"
"Can we get in then?" Goofy asked.
"Have tickets?"
"No.." Donald responded.
"Then NO!!!"
"Hey Phil, they'll be my guests!"
It was Hercules. Phil was pissed at this.
"You can't have guests Herc!!!! You're barely getting in yourself!!!"
"Don't care! How may times have I, and them saved you. Let them in!"
"Err..fine!!! But you owe me Hercules!!!!!!!"
"Hahahaha!!!!" "Thanks Hercules." Sora said, but Herc just shrugged it off.
"Forget it, and let's go. We're front row."
"SWEET!!!!" Donald yelled.
Sora looked around his seat, and saw the whole Coliseum was packed tight.
"Hello Sora." Sora looked to the seat next to him, and saw the Beast."
"Beast? What are you doing here? I thought you were at the Hallow Bastion with Belle!"
"Well, Belle wanted to go, so I used my "influence" and got us good seats."
"Ohh...well, Donald, Goofy, and I wanted to fight the Rock and Ice Titans, but we're here as Hercules' special guests." "That's luck." "I know." Sora responded, smirking.
Then..
"LADIES, GENTLEMEN, CHILDREN, ANIMALS, ETC..WELCOME TO THE SPECIAL PLATINUM MATCH!!!!! AND NOW FOR THE ONE-SIDED BATTLE OF THE CENTURY!!!! "
Major cheering ensued.
"FIRST, LET'S WELCOME THE CHALLENGERS! THE 2 BILLION TRILLION TO NEGETIVE ONE UNDERDOGS..TOMMY VERCETTI FROM VICE CITY AND THE GTA3 GUY!!!!!!!!"
The Sopranos theme began playing, as the GTA fighters walked in. Some boos, some cheers. Beast was booing. Sora asked why, and Beast said that he bet One Million munny on Sephiroth. Sora understood. Seeing as Donald bet 30,000 munny on Sephiroth as well. Goofy bet 2 munny on Sephiroth, not wanting to take too much of a risk.
They came out fully loaded. Guns, Uzis, Bazookas, baseball bats, swords, etc. were there.
Then the light in the sky went purple..
The circle came out from out of nowhere, and a pillar of light beamed down...
A Man took material form.
A Black wing became fully extended.
The man turned around, and smirked..
And place a hand on his Masamune..
"AND NOW, THE FAVORITE!!! HE HAS ONLY BEEN DEFEATED TWICE IN BOTH LIFETIMES!!! ONCE BY CLOUD STRIFE AND HIS PARTY! AND ONCE BY SORA, THE KEYBLADE MASTER AND HERO OF KINGDOM HEARTS!!! ..HE IS THE MAIN VILLIAN OF FINAL FANTASY VII! HE IS QUITE POSSIBLY THE BIGGEST PAIN IN THE ASS IN FINAL FANTASY HISTORY, TIED WITH OZMA OF FINAL FANTASY IX!...HE IS THE ONE WINGED ANGEL...
SEPHIROTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Fan girls everywhere cheered like hell. And so did everyone in the stands..
One Winged Angel started playing in the background..
"LET THE FIGHT COMMENCE!!!!"
The sign came up.
"PLATINUM MATCH.VS. SEPHIROTH"
The fight started..
Tommy and the GTA3 guy were firing everything they had at Sephiroth.
And he was just standing there, taking it all. Hell, he had a invisible life bar, he didn't care. Yes, That invisible life bar that annoyed the hell out of every single Kingdom Hearts Player everywhere.
"Ansem could only wish for the invisible life bar...heh heh heh.."
And it was pissing off the GTA guys.
"Take this you prick!!!!!"
"..!!!!"
They began using the bazookas, to no avail. He was using them as baseball practice. Hitting them straight to The End of the World. Draining down all Invisible's life bars.
"What is up with this pretty boy cock sucker!??!?!"
"Simple. I. Am. SEPHIROTH!!!!!"
"You take it up the ass!!!!"
The GTA3 guy made gestures with his hands, signaling Sephiroth takes it up the ass.
This pissed him off. He wasn't going to take this from an overweight guy living in the 80's, and a guy who never said a word or changed his clothes."
"THIS ENDS NOW!!!!"
He teleported around, and came to a point where he couldn't be touched.
He did this while the GTA3 Guy was doing the tank code with a PS2 controller, and 'poof' a tank appeared. He hopped in it. And began targeting Sephiroth.
"SIN HARVEST."
But a random KH player hopped up and said..
"NO! IT'S SEND HEARTLESS ANGEL!!!"
Another hopped up and said..
"NO IT'S SIN HARVEST!"
"SEND HEARTLESS ANGEL!!!! IT'S NAMED AFTER A MOVE HE HAS IN FF7!!!"
"THAT MOVE IS CALLED FALLEN ANGEL STUPID!!!! IT'S SIN HARVEST!!"
"SEND HEARTLESS ANGEL!!"
"SIN HARVEST!!!"
"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!" Sephiroth yelled. "GOD! IT'S JUST A FREAKING INSTANT DEATH MOVE! WHO CARES WHAT IT'S CALLED!?!?"
But then a tank fired at him. He teleported away, but the tank's shell killed the two random KH players. Earning cheers from everyone in the stands.
He teleported down, and said..
'METEORS OF HEAVEN.COME!!!!!!"
He sent several meteors to crush the tank, which it did. But not before the GTA guys got out.
All the sudden several lights followed everywhere he went, and then he teleported the where the GTA3 guy was, and said
"DODGE THIS!!!" Then he did his spinning sword move, and chopped him into little pieces. Then he flame pillared them to oblivion. Sending him straight to hell.
"Ouch." Was all Sephiroth could say, admiring his work.
"Now..."
"You cocksucka!!!!!!!"
"Come on! You said you were going to chop my head off and then eat it for dinner. Now you're running away?"
Tommy summoned a Helicopter, and tried chasing him with it, but to no avail once again.
Sephiroth just it in two, and teleported away.
"SIN HARVEST..." He looked around to see if anyone was going to argue it, then continued with the move.
You could see an orange halo over Tommy's head, and a split second later, it was over.
"YOUR WINNAH... SEPHIROTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Hmph. A Waste of time."
Cheering ensued...until..
"YOU!!!!!!"
Sephiroth turned around and saw Cloud Strife.
"It's about time...."
"Hold up. I need a party of three."
"WHAT????"
"Like FF7. I'll take Cid..and you."
He pointed at Beast.
"WHAT!!! WHY ME???!"
"You look like Vincent Valentine transformed."
"NO I DON'T!!!!"
"Here's a gun."
"Hmm...Fine."
"NOW ANOTHER PLATINUM MATCH!!! CLOUD, CID, AND BEAST AGAINST SEPHIROTH!!!!!."
"This should be good.." Sora said.
End.
Hoped you sort of enjoyed it. Or hated it. Either or.
Disclaimers - I don't own Kingdom Hearts (Disney and Square) or Grand Theft Auto (Rockstar).
A/N - If you consider this GTA3 and GTA: Vice City Bashing, go ahead and think that. After playing all three games anyway, I believe I am one of the few that thinks KH is better than GTA. Sacrilegious? Maybe. (Flame if you want, I don't give a flying fuck.) Oh, I got this idea of the GameFAQs Kingdom Hearts message board, but I made this my way.
Summary - The GTA3 guy and Tommy Vercetti from Vice City are at the Olympus Coliseum, threatening Phil when they are stopped by..Sephiroth . Sensing disrespect, they challenge him to the Platinum match... Called the "GREATEST ONE SIDED FIGHT EVER!!!!!!" (Attended by Sora, Donald, and Goofy, naturally.)
It all started when...
"What do ya want?? I'm getting things ready for the Gameees." Phil said, (stretching the e in games out again) while cleaning the sign near the arena.
"What do I want short shit? Me and my friend here want all your fucking money, so else we'll blow your freakin' head off. We need some more money for our multiple strip joints in our respective cities."
The other guy just nodded silently, stoking his baseball bat.
Phil turned around, and noticed the guy in the Hawaiian shirt had an Uzi pointed at his head.
"Now, where is the money?"
"M-money??? I don't have any money? I have munny! But none of your money! Honest!"
"Do you believe this cocksucker?" The other guy just shook his head 'no'.
"Well, too bad then.."
He was about to pull the trigger when...
"Phil! Stop sending me these losers to the Platinum Match when they can't even take one sword swipe!!!!!"
"Uhh..Sephiroth? I need a little help here.."
He walked over, picked up the guy with the gun, and threw him towards the other wall, completely ignoring them.
"You'll need help from me if you can't send me a challenge!!!!!!"
"But .."
""HEY!!! NO ONE DISRESPECTS TOMMY VERCETTI LIKE THAT!!!"
Sephiroth looked towards the guy he threw away, and his friend.
"Who in the hell do you think you are?? I am the most feared man in Vice City! And my friend here is pretty feared himself!!!! So what makes you think you can disrespect us like that?!?!?"
Sephiroth had a blank look on his face.
"Umm..who are you again??"
"I am Tommy Vercetti. I am From Grand Theft Auto Vice City! This is the GTA3 guy from Grand Theft Auto 3! And now we're gonna rip off your freakin' head!!"
"Then you don't know who I am, apparently."
"Does it matta'? You're a dead man anyways!"
"I highly doubt that a mere, lowlife human such as yourself can last 2 seconds with the great Sephiroth!!!"
"You won't last 2 seconds against us pretty boy. Bring it."
Phil intervened and stopped the likely bloodbath from taking place in HIS lobby.
"Hey I got an idea! Why don't you three fight it out in the Platinum Match tomorrow?"
"Phil, they will be a waste of my time..but I will fight them anyway."
"We'll see ya tomorrow then chump." Vercetti said, and walked away.
The GTA3 Guy flipped off the One Winged Angel and followed him.
As soon as they were out of hearing range, Phil said, "Don't make it too messy, ok? I gotta clean it up after."
"Hmph. Whatever. They won't last more than 2 minutes." Sephiroth said walking away.
"This is gonna be a long day...better start promoting!!!!!" Phil said, happily.
THE NEXT DAY....
Sora, Donald, and Goofy were walking towards the Lobby again. They wanted some free experience points, so they wanted to beat the hell out of the Rock Titan and the Ice Titan again. Last time they were here? Sora beat Sephiroth, but barely.
"PHIL!!!! HERC!!!!! WE WANNA FIGHT THE TITANS AGAIN!!!!!!" Donald Duck yelled.
Phil came running out, and said "We have one hell of a crowd in there!!!"
"What for?" Sora asked.
"The GTA3 and Vice City guys are in the Platinum match!" "Against that there Sephiroth?" "Yeah!! I billed it as the "GREATEST ONE SIDED FIGHT EVER!!!!" "
"Good title. But how many people know Sephiroth is the Platinum match?" "You, me, your companions, Herc, and the people who died against him!"
"Cloud?"
"He has no clue!"
"Can we get in then?" Goofy asked.
"Have tickets?"
"No.." Donald responded.
"Then NO!!!"
"Hey Phil, they'll be my guests!"
It was Hercules. Phil was pissed at this.
"You can't have guests Herc!!!! You're barely getting in yourself!!!"
"Don't care! How may times have I, and them saved you. Let them in!"
"Err..fine!!! But you owe me Hercules!!!!!!!"
"Hahahaha!!!!" "Thanks Hercules." Sora said, but Herc just shrugged it off.
"Forget it, and let's go. We're front row."
"SWEET!!!!" Donald yelled.
Sora looked around his seat, and saw the whole Coliseum was packed tight.
"Hello Sora." Sora looked to the seat next to him, and saw the Beast."
"Beast? What are you doing here? I thought you were at the Hallow Bastion with Belle!"
"Well, Belle wanted to go, so I used my "influence" and got us good seats."
"Ohh...well, Donald, Goofy, and I wanted to fight the Rock and Ice Titans, but we're here as Hercules' special guests." "That's luck." "I know." Sora responded, smirking.
Then..
"LADIES, GENTLEMEN, CHILDREN, ANIMALS, ETC..WELCOME TO THE SPECIAL PLATINUM MATCH!!!!! AND NOW FOR THE ONE-SIDED BATTLE OF THE CENTURY!!!! "
Major cheering ensued.
"FIRST, LET'S WELCOME THE CHALLENGERS! THE 2 BILLION TRILLION TO NEGETIVE ONE UNDERDOGS..TOMMY VERCETTI FROM VICE CITY AND THE GTA3 GUY!!!!!!!!"
The Sopranos theme began playing, as the GTA fighters walked in. Some boos, some cheers. Beast was booing. Sora asked why, and Beast said that he bet One Million munny on Sephiroth. Sora understood. Seeing as Donald bet 30,000 munny on Sephiroth as well. Goofy bet 2 munny on Sephiroth, not wanting to take too much of a risk.
They came out fully loaded. Guns, Uzis, Bazookas, baseball bats, swords, etc. were there.
Then the light in the sky went purple..
The circle came out from out of nowhere, and a pillar of light beamed down...
A Man took material form.
A Black wing became fully extended.
The man turned around, and smirked..
And place a hand on his Masamune..
"AND NOW, THE FAVORITE!!! HE HAS ONLY BEEN DEFEATED TWICE IN BOTH LIFETIMES!!! ONCE BY CLOUD STRIFE AND HIS PARTY! AND ONCE BY SORA, THE KEYBLADE MASTER AND HERO OF KINGDOM HEARTS!!! ..HE IS THE MAIN VILLIAN OF FINAL FANTASY VII! HE IS QUITE POSSIBLY THE BIGGEST PAIN IN THE ASS IN FINAL FANTASY HISTORY, TIED WITH OZMA OF FINAL FANTASY IX!...HE IS THE ONE WINGED ANGEL...
SEPHIROTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Fan girls everywhere cheered like hell. And so did everyone in the stands..
One Winged Angel started playing in the background..
"LET THE FIGHT COMMENCE!!!!"
The sign came up.
"PLATINUM MATCH.VS. SEPHIROTH"
The fight started..
Tommy and the GTA3 guy were firing everything they had at Sephiroth.
And he was just standing there, taking it all. Hell, he had a invisible life bar, he didn't care. Yes, That invisible life bar that annoyed the hell out of every single Kingdom Hearts Player everywhere.
"Ansem could only wish for the invisible life bar...heh heh heh.."
And it was pissing off the GTA guys.
"Take this you prick!!!!!"
"..!!!!"
They began using the bazookas, to no avail. He was using them as baseball practice. Hitting them straight to The End of the World. Draining down all Invisible's life bars.
"What is up with this pretty boy cock sucker!??!?!"
"Simple. I. Am. SEPHIROTH!!!!!"
"You take it up the ass!!!!"
The GTA3 guy made gestures with his hands, signaling Sephiroth takes it up the ass.
This pissed him off. He wasn't going to take this from an overweight guy living in the 80's, and a guy who never said a word or changed his clothes."
"THIS ENDS NOW!!!!"
He teleported around, and came to a point where he couldn't be touched.
He did this while the GTA3 Guy was doing the tank code with a PS2 controller, and 'poof' a tank appeared. He hopped in it. And began targeting Sephiroth.
"SIN HARVEST."
But a random KH player hopped up and said..
"NO! IT'S SEND HEARTLESS ANGEL!!!"
Another hopped up and said..
"NO IT'S SIN HARVEST!"
"SEND HEARTLESS ANGEL!!!! IT'S NAMED AFTER A MOVE HE HAS IN FF7!!!"
"THAT MOVE IS CALLED FALLEN ANGEL STUPID!!!! IT'S SIN HARVEST!!"
"SEND HEARTLESS ANGEL!!"
"SIN HARVEST!!!"
"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!" Sephiroth yelled. "GOD! IT'S JUST A FREAKING INSTANT DEATH MOVE! WHO CARES WHAT IT'S CALLED!?!?"
But then a tank fired at him. He teleported away, but the tank's shell killed the two random KH players. Earning cheers from everyone in the stands.
He teleported down, and said..
'METEORS OF HEAVEN.COME!!!!!!"
He sent several meteors to crush the tank, which it did. But not before the GTA guys got out.
All the sudden several lights followed everywhere he went, and then he teleported the where the GTA3 guy was, and said
"DODGE THIS!!!" Then he did his spinning sword move, and chopped him into little pieces. Then he flame pillared them to oblivion. Sending him straight to hell.
"Ouch." Was all Sephiroth could say, admiring his work.
"Now..."
"You cocksucka!!!!!!!"
"Come on! You said you were going to chop my head off and then eat it for dinner. Now you're running away?"
Tommy summoned a Helicopter, and tried chasing him with it, but to no avail once again.
Sephiroth just it in two, and teleported away.
"SIN HARVEST..." He looked around to see if anyone was going to argue it, then continued with the move.
You could see an orange halo over Tommy's head, and a split second later, it was over.
"YOUR WINNAH... SEPHIROTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Hmph. A Waste of time."
Cheering ensued...until..
"YOU!!!!!!"
Sephiroth turned around and saw Cloud Strife.
"It's about time...."
"Hold up. I need a party of three."
"WHAT????"
"Like FF7. I'll take Cid..and you."
He pointed at Beast.
"WHAT!!! WHY ME???!"
"You look like Vincent Valentine transformed."
"NO I DON'T!!!!"
"Here's a gun."
"Hmm...Fine."
"NOW ANOTHER PLATINUM MATCH!!! CLOUD, CID, AND BEAST AGAINST SEPHIROTH!!!!!."
"This should be good.." Sora said.
End.
Hoped you sort of enjoyed it. Or hated it. Either or.