"What do you think?"
Heero was sitting on the couch in their quarters; Duo was snuggled next to him, happily braiding and unbraiding an errant strand of hair.
Duo shrugged. "I'm not really sure. I mean, Quatre looks better, and now thankfully Trowa doesn't have to be so bossy towards him. I was getting a little worried when he had to tell Quatre to have apple juice for his breakfast. But I guess it must be working since Quatre seems so much better now."
Heero nodded. "It's been almost a month since we went shopping together. And I'll agree; Quatre does seem more like his old self. Do you think that he's pretending though; or even that something could shake him like it did last time?"
Duo's expression shifted. "Are you more concerned about the setback to Quatre, or the devastation of Trowa?"
Looking at him with a stunned expression, Heero answered, "I'm worried about both of them. But I think that if Quatre were to slip again.Trowa is already in territory he doesn't like. He hates to think that he controls Quatre, and after his past, it's easy to see why. I think that if Quatre does slip, Trowa will take it the hardest; Quatre will most likely bounce back, but Trowa."
"Has he said anything to you? You know, about how he's handling taking on the 'master' role?"
Heero nodded his head. "A little-you know Trowa, he doesn't talk about much anyway, and something he's uncomfortable with.but he did get a little upset late last week, and he asked me some questions."
"Can you tell me what he asked, or is that a no-no?"
He smiled. "It seems that Quatre is constantly looking for comfort when they're at home. Trowa's having to be a lot more demonstrative than he ever has before. I think that he's just nervous about it. You saw the two of them at dinner a few nights ago; Quatre sat in his lap the whole way through. For us that's nothing new, but for them, it's entirely new ground."
Duo nodded his head. "I guess it's just weird, that's all, seeing them all over each other all the time-and yet, I know it makes Quatre happy-Hell, it'd make almost anyone happy. But I think that Quatre's always wished he'd have one of those openly together type relationships; and now that Trowa's participating, he's finally getting what he's always wanted. I think our desert prince is finally getting his dues if you ask me." Duo smiled, and Heero returned it. "Do you think Trowa's going to be alright?"
Heero nodded. "He'll do whatever it takes to help Quatre. Trowa knows what will happen if he doesn't, and he's not going to let that happen. As far as Quatre goes, I think he'll be alright as well. It'll take some time, but he's getting better everyday-like you said-and I think, in the end, he'll be alright."
Heero looked to Duo to find a strange expression on his face; he quirked his eyebrow at his lover before asking what was wrong. Duo shifted uncomfortably next to him, and Heero extended a hand to cover Duo's knee.
"Heero, can I ask you a question-completely off topic, but something that's been bugging me for a while, and I just want to-you know, get an answer?" Heero nodded, and Duo took a deep breath and let it out. "Um, it's kind of- well it's-whew, this is hard."
Concerned, Heero spoke. "You can ask me anything; you know that."
Duo nodded then tried again. "Heero, this whole thing with Quatre and his sisters.well it's started me thinking. Yeah, I know you're thinking 'Duo thinking, now we're in trouble' but hear me out, ok?" Heero again nodded. "Well when Quatre and I went shopping a month ago, I brought up the subject of.um.you and me-of us, you know, having a kid.someday. Anyway, um, I was wondering.how do you-that is would you like to-no, um.have you ever considered us.you know, having children?" Soul bared, he waited for Heero's answer. He felt his heart plummet at the one he got.
Heero stood from his place next to Duo and moved to the bay window that accompanied their quarters. His hands were at his sides in fists, and he seemed to shake. Duo dropped his eyes, not wanting to see this reaction to his question. He'd always wanted to have children, ever since he was orphaned; he knew that he wanted to save as many other children from becoming orphans as possible. He hadn't expected Heero to jump with joy or anything, but he definitely hadn't expected him to completely shut down.
"Heero, I'm sorry, it was a stupid question, for-"
"It wasn't stupid." There was a tight sound in his voice that caused Duo to look up at his long time lover. Heero was still shaking, and Duo became concerned-too concerned to worry about his own emotions.
"Heero, are you alright?"
And then Heero turned from the window. Tears pooled in his eyes, and at his movement, they spilled down his cheeks to drop to the subtle point of his chin. He tried to speak, but his voice caught for a moment, then he tried again.
"I-I never considered you wanted a child."
Carefully, not knowing exactly what was going on, Duo answered. "Yeah, it's been a dream of mine; to have a lot of kids.but things change, you know. We don't have to have any kids if you don't want-"
"NO!" His voice was loud, louder than he intended, and Heero watched Duo cringe at his tone. With lightening speed, Heero was back on the couch next to Duo, his lover's face in his hands. "All my life I've been alone. When I met you, it was the first time ever that I didn't have to be by myself. I fought it, tried to push you away, but I didn't want to. I never wanted you to leave because you were all I ever wanted. For as long as I can remember, all I've ever wanted, desired, was a family. When we got together, it was more than I ever thought I'd ever have or deserved. I never hoped to imagine that you'd consider me worthy enough to have a child with. But a child.a family, with you and a little boy or girl, that would be every dream I've ever had come true.every single one."
Tears streamed down his face, and Duo could do little more than follow suit. Together they released tears of sadness for the past and tears of joy for what they'd just discovered. They both wanted the same thing; they both wanted a family; they both wanted children, and they wanted a lot of them.
Together they moved into the bedroom and fell upon the mattress. They discussed the different aspects of adopting a child or even a genetic. Without saying it, they both thought about their friend who could not so easily discuss the future of fatherhood, and while they talked excitedly, they both felt a sadness for Quatre and Trowa.
* * *
"What do you think?"
Trowa thought for a moment before answering. "I think he's doing better. Those first few days were rocky, but now he seems so much better, happier."
Corinne nodded her head. "I agree. Quatre has been taking to the therapy very well. I think the fact that you've been helping him with little decisions has boosted his confidence in the bigger ones he's had to make. For example, you telling him when to go to sleep allows him to worry about other things-most importantly-his past problems and working through them. I sense in him that he's finally feeling better about himself. I think he's reached that place where we can move to the next step."
"Next step?"
Smiling, Corinne nodded. "I'm going to allow you back onto active duty. I think that Quatre can now be without your constant presence for short periods of time. Over the last month, you've been constantly with him except during sessions. We needed Quatre to feel as if he could count on you; but as you've already pointed out, he's begun to make more mundane decisions for himself now. Quatre should be fine; besides, he'll be in sessions with me or most likely playing with Marieminna, anyway-not to mention you work right down the hall. He'll probably be a little nervous at first, but that's actually not a bad thing. We need to slowly wean him from the comfort zone he's established. What's the matter, Trowa, you looked worried?"
And he was. "Do you really think he'll be alright? I don't want to step away from him and have him need me while I'm gone."
"Trowa, you won't always be there for him, and Quatre needs to try and find a balance between needing you and needing himself. For a long time he depended on himself alone, and now he's dependent solely on you; we need him to find a happy middle, where he can take care of himself but come to you if he needs help or comfort. Do you understand?"
He thought about it, absorbing all that she'd said before he nodded.
"If you think that Quatre's ready to be away from me, you must think he's really improving."
"Yes. Most of the anxiety that I felt from him is now almost completely gone. He's truly working through the things in his past during the sessions. Right now we're working though his feelings towards Cijen. These sessions are extremely stressful for him. We've been working on this for about a week; have you noticed any changes in him?"
Trowa nodded. "When he comes home, he usually wanders around for a few minutes, sometimes he'll curl up on the couch for a half hour or so; but then he comes to me. I wait for him now. I'll sit in the chair, and eventually Quatre will come and sit in my lap for a little while. He'll sit with me-sometimes until dinner-and then he'll be fine. Those are normal days; we don't usually talk about the sessions then; he doesn't really like to. But I know when a session is really hard on him because he'll come home and start asking me simple things. For example, he asked me the other day how many sugars he should put in his tea, even though he doesn't take any sugar. I think he's trying to confirm that I know what he likes, that I'm still willing to be there for him. On days like those, I gather him to me and insist he tell me what's bothering him."
"And does he?"
"In a way. He doesn't talk much about the sessions, but he'll tell me some little thing that's bothering him. Like the other day, when I asked, he didn't tell me he was upset about Cijen; he said that he didn't know what to buy Marieminna for Christmas. They're actual things that are bothering him, but not the main thing. Usually after he tells me, and I give him an answer, he's happier."
Corinne nodded. "Quatre's working through the hard things in his mind. The simple questions are-as you said-a way for him to make sure you're paying attention. Don't be concerned that he's not discussing his sessions with you. The little questions bother him, the little choices in life; once those are out of the way, he feels he has more time and energy to devote to the larger problems. In a way, you're helping him more than I am."
Trowa smiled, but then it turned into a frown. Corinne knew that while Trowa often showed Quatre his emotions, he was not so prone to displaying them for others, and especially not a frown to her. "Trowa, what's wrong?"
"I may be helping him with the sessions, but there's still the matter of his nightmares."
Nightmares had awoken Quatre screaming, night after night. His lover almost never slept a full night without horrifying images of a little boy with dark brown hair and stone gray eyes. Some nights, it took hours before he could coax Quatre back to sleep. The nightmares had even gone so far as to pull Quatre from a nap at Duo's; the braided pilot had been so distraught he'd called a med. team. Quatre insisted that the dreams weren't dreams at all, but this little boy pathing to him, trying to get his help. So far, neither he nor Heero had managed to come up with a boy matching the description that Quatre gave.
"Does he still think they're real?"
Trowa nodded.
"I still haven't felt anything from another empath towards Quatre. Empaths leave signature trails, ghost impressions that can be picked up by other empaths who are trained to know what to look for. There just aren't any ghosts. I still think that they're memories that Quatre hasn't faced yet. He could have built this little boy to house his own fears and pain; the torture he says is done on the boy could be the way he's coaping with the sessions. He wouldn't be the first person to have nightmares while dealing with demons from his past."
"I'd agree, but Quatre seems so adamant. You've seen his face when he's woken up from one; he's completely terrified. Plus, these have been going on for almost a month now. I'm really worried about him."
"And you should be. But just like the mind adjusts after an empathic dusting or sweep, this could just be Quatre's way of dealing with all the information and feelings assaulting him. If you're worried about his sleeping patterns, I can prescribe a sleep aid."
Trowa shook his head. "I tried that, so far it's one of the few things that Quatre refused even after I tried to 'command' him to do it. It's like he wants to check up on the boy until he finds him. If what you're saying is true, is he trying to check up on himself?"
Corinne looked thoughtful for a moment. "It's hard to tell. Quatre and I haven't talked much about his nightmares; he insists that you and he are working through them, and that he'd rather discuss them with you. That's a good sign as long as he's talking. I think, though, I'll bring it up tomorrow, just to see what he says."
Trowa nodded and then stood. "I have to get Quatre. The five of us are going into town; Duo's big on Christmas, and has insisted that Quatre help him with the decorations. He's having a lot of fun with it."
Corinne smiled. "That does sounds like a lot of fun. Quatre's actually mentioned the preparation for the big day, and he seems very excited about it. If I'm not mistaken, it's still a ways off, isn't it?"
"Yes, it's on the twenty-fifth, so he and Duo still have about a month to go. I have my doubts, but Duo insists that a sawed-off evergreen tree will last that long. I feel bad for the tree."
They laughed, and then with lifted spirits, Trowa went to collect Quatre from Marieminna's grasph.
* * *
"Over here, Quatre!!!" Dressed in a pair of running shorts and a tank top, Marieminna was the epitome of summer fun; it was hard for Quatre to believe that it was already very late November.
He laughed as he kicked the bright orange ball towards her small waiting feet. With determination borne only of the young she ran up and kicked with aimless direction, causing it to fly behind a bush.
"Oh no!"
"Don't worry, I'll get it. Wait right here." Quatre ran to the other side and soon returned with the errant ball. Marieminna was sitting on the grass catching her breath. "You're not tired, are you? And Trowa says I'm out of shape."
She laughed. "I'm tired 'cause Heero and Duo had me training earlier; you got to sit on the couch all day!" They laughed together, and Quatre sat across from the little girl he'd come to see as one of his best friends. He rolled the ball to her, and she rolled it back, starting a game with little purpose.
"Quatre?"
"Hn? Careful or you'll miss it."
"I got it. I have a question."
Quatre smiled; her innocence was so cute. "Ok, what's your question?"
"How tall is Trowa?"
He looked questioning for a moment before he answered, "Six-two."
She nodded. "I have another question."
He indicated she should ask.
"How tall are you?"
He smiled. "Five-eight. Why the questions?"
"I'm not finished yet. I have another. Can I ask?"
"Alright."
She rolled the ball back to him.
"Are you older, or is Trowa?"
"Trowa's older, by almost nine months."
He rolled the ball back to her.
"Who makes more money, you or Trowa?"
Quatre puzzled at that question. "I do. Marieminna, why do you ask?"
"That's a silly question, Quatre. I'm trying to figure out who has to kneel."
"Kneel?"
"Yeah, it wouldn't be right if one of you just asked, it'd be silly."
"Marieminna, I don't understand. Why would Trowa or I need to kneel about anything?"
She sighed, indicating that he should already know this. "I saw it once. My mommy use to tell me about it. Someone has to kneel or it isn't official; that's what she said."
Quatre stopped the ball as it came to him. "Marieminna, why don't you tell me what you mean?"
With an exasperated sound she said, "You and Trowa have been together for forever right?" He nodded. "And you've been through everything right, with you being sick in the heart and all?" Again he nodded. "Then you're going to be together forever, right?" Once more. "I'm trying to figure out which one of you has to ask the other to marry you. Mom said that the man usually asks, but she didn't say who asks when they're both boys. I just figured the one that's like the man the most has to ask. So whoever's taller, older, and makes more money; but that doesn't work all the time 'cause the man doesn't always make more money, plus you make more money than Trowa. I'm not sure who's suppose to ask." She stopped, out of breath, and looked questionably at the stunned expression on Quatre's face, the ball still held tightly in his hands. "Quatre?"
He shook himself, trying to pull back to the conversation. "Ye-Yes?"
"Did I ask something wrong?"
"No-no you didn't. It's just-just it's not that easy."
"How come? Mom said that when people fall in love they have to get married, and since you and Trowa are in love, then you should have to get married too, right?"
Quatre sighed. How to tell a little girl that love wasn't the only thing necessary in this world.
"Sweetie, it's different. Your Mom's right about when a man and a woman fall in love, they get married. But some people-some people don't think it's right that a man marry another man; they're afraid of it."
"How come?"
"You know, I'm not really sure. There are some books-really old books-that say some really interesting things about having lots of babies and having as many children as you can, but those books were written when humans were still very new to the world. Nowadays, there're so many people out there, we don't need more humans. But still some people are afraid of the new ways of the world; they're afraid that love can come in all shapes and sizes. It's very hard to explain."
"No, I get it. Because people don't understand love, they think that love that's different from theirs isn't love at all, so they try to get rid of it. So they say that you can't get married unless you're a man and a woman. So you and Trowa can't get married and neither can Heero and Duo, right?"
He nodded, once again amazed by her intelligence.
"That's stupid!"
He chuckled. "I think so, too. But you know what?"
"What?"
"Trowa and I don't have to get married. We know we'll be together for the rest of our lives; and then longer. Even though some people don't think love is everything, we do, and so do Heero and Duo. That's why it's ok if we don't get married we're married in our hearts and in our souls. Does that make sense to you?"
He watched her eyes light up. "Maybe you and Trowa and Heero and Duo should all have a pretend marriage, you know, you could get Wufei to be the pretend minister since he likes to preach all the time, and then you could get married! I know, you could go to your pretty mansion on your home colony. I saw it in the pictures you showed me before, and I bet it'd be really pretty there! Maybe your sisters could go and they'd see how happy you were and they'd stop being so mean all the time. Wouldn't that be a great idea, Quatre?!"
He smiled, sadness in his eyes. To go home and swear his love to Trowa for eternity in a Bonding ceremony, it's all he really wanted. To see his family accept him and his beloved, to know that finally, everything was good. But it was too much to hope for-far too much. But it was a pretty dream.
"I'll have to see what can be done; but no promises."
"Ok. But Quatre?"
"Yes?"
"If you get married to Trowa someday, you'll invite me, won't you?"
He reached across and pulled the slight child into his lap and held her close. He cuddled her, and ran his hands gently over her soft red hair. "No matter what, I promise we'll invite you. You'll be our special guests, and I'm positive that I can find a great job for you, too. Did you know Bonding cemimonies have flowergirls just like boy-girl marriages? How about flowergirl, would you like that job?"
Nodding, she giggled and snuggled closer to him. "I love you, Quatre."
"I love you, too, little one."
"And I love the both of you."
Quatre shifted his view and looked behind him to an amused and soft expression on Trowa's face. He offered a full smile, and kissed Marieminna's head before releasing her. Standing, he walked to Trowa. "So you love me, hm? Well I suppose you'll have to prove it to me before I can really believe you."
Trowa was fast; the kiss on Quatre's lips landed with intense passion; and he shifted, needing to feel closer to him-as close to him as possible. With lifted arms, Quatre wrapped his hands around Trowa's neck and allowed his taller partner to nearly lift him off the ground. He strained on his toes, loving the feel of Trowa's hands gliding softly along his back. They would have continued-and maybe gone further-if they hadn't heard a faint giggling.
Quatre dropped to the balls of his feet, and broke his hold on Trowa. Another giggle caught his attention, and with equal speed to Trowa's, Quatre swung around and grabbed Marieminna around the waist and lifted her into his arms, laying kisses and tickles all over her. Her laughter lit up his world, and the expression on Trowa's face as he watched his antics was priceless. He held the small child close, cuddling her once again. Someday-someday they'd be doing this to their own child. He closed his eyes against the joy and pain of that thought.
When Marieminna had gathered her ball and gone inside, Trowa encircled an arm about his waist. "It doesn't matter how many times I see it, or how many times I say it, you will make an incredible father someday."
Quatre beamed at the compliment, ignoring the tug at his heart. "Someday."
"Someday."
Together they left the warm gardens to collect Duo, Heero, and Wufei; it was time to get ready for the holidays.
Heero was sitting on the couch in their quarters; Duo was snuggled next to him, happily braiding and unbraiding an errant strand of hair.
Duo shrugged. "I'm not really sure. I mean, Quatre looks better, and now thankfully Trowa doesn't have to be so bossy towards him. I was getting a little worried when he had to tell Quatre to have apple juice for his breakfast. But I guess it must be working since Quatre seems so much better now."
Heero nodded. "It's been almost a month since we went shopping together. And I'll agree; Quatre does seem more like his old self. Do you think that he's pretending though; or even that something could shake him like it did last time?"
Duo's expression shifted. "Are you more concerned about the setback to Quatre, or the devastation of Trowa?"
Looking at him with a stunned expression, Heero answered, "I'm worried about both of them. But I think that if Quatre were to slip again.Trowa is already in territory he doesn't like. He hates to think that he controls Quatre, and after his past, it's easy to see why. I think that if Quatre does slip, Trowa will take it the hardest; Quatre will most likely bounce back, but Trowa."
"Has he said anything to you? You know, about how he's handling taking on the 'master' role?"
Heero nodded his head. "A little-you know Trowa, he doesn't talk about much anyway, and something he's uncomfortable with.but he did get a little upset late last week, and he asked me some questions."
"Can you tell me what he asked, or is that a no-no?"
He smiled. "It seems that Quatre is constantly looking for comfort when they're at home. Trowa's having to be a lot more demonstrative than he ever has before. I think that he's just nervous about it. You saw the two of them at dinner a few nights ago; Quatre sat in his lap the whole way through. For us that's nothing new, but for them, it's entirely new ground."
Duo nodded his head. "I guess it's just weird, that's all, seeing them all over each other all the time-and yet, I know it makes Quatre happy-Hell, it'd make almost anyone happy. But I think that Quatre's always wished he'd have one of those openly together type relationships; and now that Trowa's participating, he's finally getting what he's always wanted. I think our desert prince is finally getting his dues if you ask me." Duo smiled, and Heero returned it. "Do you think Trowa's going to be alright?"
Heero nodded. "He'll do whatever it takes to help Quatre. Trowa knows what will happen if he doesn't, and he's not going to let that happen. As far as Quatre goes, I think he'll be alright as well. It'll take some time, but he's getting better everyday-like you said-and I think, in the end, he'll be alright."
Heero looked to Duo to find a strange expression on his face; he quirked his eyebrow at his lover before asking what was wrong. Duo shifted uncomfortably next to him, and Heero extended a hand to cover Duo's knee.
"Heero, can I ask you a question-completely off topic, but something that's been bugging me for a while, and I just want to-you know, get an answer?" Heero nodded, and Duo took a deep breath and let it out. "Um, it's kind of- well it's-whew, this is hard."
Concerned, Heero spoke. "You can ask me anything; you know that."
Duo nodded then tried again. "Heero, this whole thing with Quatre and his sisters.well it's started me thinking. Yeah, I know you're thinking 'Duo thinking, now we're in trouble' but hear me out, ok?" Heero again nodded. "Well when Quatre and I went shopping a month ago, I brought up the subject of.um.you and me-of us, you know, having a kid.someday. Anyway, um, I was wondering.how do you-that is would you like to-no, um.have you ever considered us.you know, having children?" Soul bared, he waited for Heero's answer. He felt his heart plummet at the one he got.
Heero stood from his place next to Duo and moved to the bay window that accompanied their quarters. His hands were at his sides in fists, and he seemed to shake. Duo dropped his eyes, not wanting to see this reaction to his question. He'd always wanted to have children, ever since he was orphaned; he knew that he wanted to save as many other children from becoming orphans as possible. He hadn't expected Heero to jump with joy or anything, but he definitely hadn't expected him to completely shut down.
"Heero, I'm sorry, it was a stupid question, for-"
"It wasn't stupid." There was a tight sound in his voice that caused Duo to look up at his long time lover. Heero was still shaking, and Duo became concerned-too concerned to worry about his own emotions.
"Heero, are you alright?"
And then Heero turned from the window. Tears pooled in his eyes, and at his movement, they spilled down his cheeks to drop to the subtle point of his chin. He tried to speak, but his voice caught for a moment, then he tried again.
"I-I never considered you wanted a child."
Carefully, not knowing exactly what was going on, Duo answered. "Yeah, it's been a dream of mine; to have a lot of kids.but things change, you know. We don't have to have any kids if you don't want-"
"NO!" His voice was loud, louder than he intended, and Heero watched Duo cringe at his tone. With lightening speed, Heero was back on the couch next to Duo, his lover's face in his hands. "All my life I've been alone. When I met you, it was the first time ever that I didn't have to be by myself. I fought it, tried to push you away, but I didn't want to. I never wanted you to leave because you were all I ever wanted. For as long as I can remember, all I've ever wanted, desired, was a family. When we got together, it was more than I ever thought I'd ever have or deserved. I never hoped to imagine that you'd consider me worthy enough to have a child with. But a child.a family, with you and a little boy or girl, that would be every dream I've ever had come true.every single one."
Tears streamed down his face, and Duo could do little more than follow suit. Together they released tears of sadness for the past and tears of joy for what they'd just discovered. They both wanted the same thing; they both wanted a family; they both wanted children, and they wanted a lot of them.
Together they moved into the bedroom and fell upon the mattress. They discussed the different aspects of adopting a child or even a genetic. Without saying it, they both thought about their friend who could not so easily discuss the future of fatherhood, and while they talked excitedly, they both felt a sadness for Quatre and Trowa.
* * *
"What do you think?"
Trowa thought for a moment before answering. "I think he's doing better. Those first few days were rocky, but now he seems so much better, happier."
Corinne nodded her head. "I agree. Quatre has been taking to the therapy very well. I think the fact that you've been helping him with little decisions has boosted his confidence in the bigger ones he's had to make. For example, you telling him when to go to sleep allows him to worry about other things-most importantly-his past problems and working through them. I sense in him that he's finally feeling better about himself. I think he's reached that place where we can move to the next step."
"Next step?"
Smiling, Corinne nodded. "I'm going to allow you back onto active duty. I think that Quatre can now be without your constant presence for short periods of time. Over the last month, you've been constantly with him except during sessions. We needed Quatre to feel as if he could count on you; but as you've already pointed out, he's begun to make more mundane decisions for himself now. Quatre should be fine; besides, he'll be in sessions with me or most likely playing with Marieminna, anyway-not to mention you work right down the hall. He'll probably be a little nervous at first, but that's actually not a bad thing. We need to slowly wean him from the comfort zone he's established. What's the matter, Trowa, you looked worried?"
And he was. "Do you really think he'll be alright? I don't want to step away from him and have him need me while I'm gone."
"Trowa, you won't always be there for him, and Quatre needs to try and find a balance between needing you and needing himself. For a long time he depended on himself alone, and now he's dependent solely on you; we need him to find a happy middle, where he can take care of himself but come to you if he needs help or comfort. Do you understand?"
He thought about it, absorbing all that she'd said before he nodded.
"If you think that Quatre's ready to be away from me, you must think he's really improving."
"Yes. Most of the anxiety that I felt from him is now almost completely gone. He's truly working through the things in his past during the sessions. Right now we're working though his feelings towards Cijen. These sessions are extremely stressful for him. We've been working on this for about a week; have you noticed any changes in him?"
Trowa nodded. "When he comes home, he usually wanders around for a few minutes, sometimes he'll curl up on the couch for a half hour or so; but then he comes to me. I wait for him now. I'll sit in the chair, and eventually Quatre will come and sit in my lap for a little while. He'll sit with me-sometimes until dinner-and then he'll be fine. Those are normal days; we don't usually talk about the sessions then; he doesn't really like to. But I know when a session is really hard on him because he'll come home and start asking me simple things. For example, he asked me the other day how many sugars he should put in his tea, even though he doesn't take any sugar. I think he's trying to confirm that I know what he likes, that I'm still willing to be there for him. On days like those, I gather him to me and insist he tell me what's bothering him."
"And does he?"
"In a way. He doesn't talk much about the sessions, but he'll tell me some little thing that's bothering him. Like the other day, when I asked, he didn't tell me he was upset about Cijen; he said that he didn't know what to buy Marieminna for Christmas. They're actual things that are bothering him, but not the main thing. Usually after he tells me, and I give him an answer, he's happier."
Corinne nodded. "Quatre's working through the hard things in his mind. The simple questions are-as you said-a way for him to make sure you're paying attention. Don't be concerned that he's not discussing his sessions with you. The little questions bother him, the little choices in life; once those are out of the way, he feels he has more time and energy to devote to the larger problems. In a way, you're helping him more than I am."
Trowa smiled, but then it turned into a frown. Corinne knew that while Trowa often showed Quatre his emotions, he was not so prone to displaying them for others, and especially not a frown to her. "Trowa, what's wrong?"
"I may be helping him with the sessions, but there's still the matter of his nightmares."
Nightmares had awoken Quatre screaming, night after night. His lover almost never slept a full night without horrifying images of a little boy with dark brown hair and stone gray eyes. Some nights, it took hours before he could coax Quatre back to sleep. The nightmares had even gone so far as to pull Quatre from a nap at Duo's; the braided pilot had been so distraught he'd called a med. team. Quatre insisted that the dreams weren't dreams at all, but this little boy pathing to him, trying to get his help. So far, neither he nor Heero had managed to come up with a boy matching the description that Quatre gave.
"Does he still think they're real?"
Trowa nodded.
"I still haven't felt anything from another empath towards Quatre. Empaths leave signature trails, ghost impressions that can be picked up by other empaths who are trained to know what to look for. There just aren't any ghosts. I still think that they're memories that Quatre hasn't faced yet. He could have built this little boy to house his own fears and pain; the torture he says is done on the boy could be the way he's coaping with the sessions. He wouldn't be the first person to have nightmares while dealing with demons from his past."
"I'd agree, but Quatre seems so adamant. You've seen his face when he's woken up from one; he's completely terrified. Plus, these have been going on for almost a month now. I'm really worried about him."
"And you should be. But just like the mind adjusts after an empathic dusting or sweep, this could just be Quatre's way of dealing with all the information and feelings assaulting him. If you're worried about his sleeping patterns, I can prescribe a sleep aid."
Trowa shook his head. "I tried that, so far it's one of the few things that Quatre refused even after I tried to 'command' him to do it. It's like he wants to check up on the boy until he finds him. If what you're saying is true, is he trying to check up on himself?"
Corinne looked thoughtful for a moment. "It's hard to tell. Quatre and I haven't talked much about his nightmares; he insists that you and he are working through them, and that he'd rather discuss them with you. That's a good sign as long as he's talking. I think, though, I'll bring it up tomorrow, just to see what he says."
Trowa nodded and then stood. "I have to get Quatre. The five of us are going into town; Duo's big on Christmas, and has insisted that Quatre help him with the decorations. He's having a lot of fun with it."
Corinne smiled. "That does sounds like a lot of fun. Quatre's actually mentioned the preparation for the big day, and he seems very excited about it. If I'm not mistaken, it's still a ways off, isn't it?"
"Yes, it's on the twenty-fifth, so he and Duo still have about a month to go. I have my doubts, but Duo insists that a sawed-off evergreen tree will last that long. I feel bad for the tree."
They laughed, and then with lifted spirits, Trowa went to collect Quatre from Marieminna's grasph.
* * *
"Over here, Quatre!!!" Dressed in a pair of running shorts and a tank top, Marieminna was the epitome of summer fun; it was hard for Quatre to believe that it was already very late November.
He laughed as he kicked the bright orange ball towards her small waiting feet. With determination borne only of the young she ran up and kicked with aimless direction, causing it to fly behind a bush.
"Oh no!"
"Don't worry, I'll get it. Wait right here." Quatre ran to the other side and soon returned with the errant ball. Marieminna was sitting on the grass catching her breath. "You're not tired, are you? And Trowa says I'm out of shape."
She laughed. "I'm tired 'cause Heero and Duo had me training earlier; you got to sit on the couch all day!" They laughed together, and Quatre sat across from the little girl he'd come to see as one of his best friends. He rolled the ball to her, and she rolled it back, starting a game with little purpose.
"Quatre?"
"Hn? Careful or you'll miss it."
"I got it. I have a question."
Quatre smiled; her innocence was so cute. "Ok, what's your question?"
"How tall is Trowa?"
He looked questioning for a moment before he answered, "Six-two."
She nodded. "I have another question."
He indicated she should ask.
"How tall are you?"
He smiled. "Five-eight. Why the questions?"
"I'm not finished yet. I have another. Can I ask?"
"Alright."
She rolled the ball back to him.
"Are you older, or is Trowa?"
"Trowa's older, by almost nine months."
He rolled the ball back to her.
"Who makes more money, you or Trowa?"
Quatre puzzled at that question. "I do. Marieminna, why do you ask?"
"That's a silly question, Quatre. I'm trying to figure out who has to kneel."
"Kneel?"
"Yeah, it wouldn't be right if one of you just asked, it'd be silly."
"Marieminna, I don't understand. Why would Trowa or I need to kneel about anything?"
She sighed, indicating that he should already know this. "I saw it once. My mommy use to tell me about it. Someone has to kneel or it isn't official; that's what she said."
Quatre stopped the ball as it came to him. "Marieminna, why don't you tell me what you mean?"
With an exasperated sound she said, "You and Trowa have been together for forever right?" He nodded. "And you've been through everything right, with you being sick in the heart and all?" Again he nodded. "Then you're going to be together forever, right?" Once more. "I'm trying to figure out which one of you has to ask the other to marry you. Mom said that the man usually asks, but she didn't say who asks when they're both boys. I just figured the one that's like the man the most has to ask. So whoever's taller, older, and makes more money; but that doesn't work all the time 'cause the man doesn't always make more money, plus you make more money than Trowa. I'm not sure who's suppose to ask." She stopped, out of breath, and looked questionably at the stunned expression on Quatre's face, the ball still held tightly in his hands. "Quatre?"
He shook himself, trying to pull back to the conversation. "Ye-Yes?"
"Did I ask something wrong?"
"No-no you didn't. It's just-just it's not that easy."
"How come? Mom said that when people fall in love they have to get married, and since you and Trowa are in love, then you should have to get married too, right?"
Quatre sighed. How to tell a little girl that love wasn't the only thing necessary in this world.
"Sweetie, it's different. Your Mom's right about when a man and a woman fall in love, they get married. But some people-some people don't think it's right that a man marry another man; they're afraid of it."
"How come?"
"You know, I'm not really sure. There are some books-really old books-that say some really interesting things about having lots of babies and having as many children as you can, but those books were written when humans were still very new to the world. Nowadays, there're so many people out there, we don't need more humans. But still some people are afraid of the new ways of the world; they're afraid that love can come in all shapes and sizes. It's very hard to explain."
"No, I get it. Because people don't understand love, they think that love that's different from theirs isn't love at all, so they try to get rid of it. So they say that you can't get married unless you're a man and a woman. So you and Trowa can't get married and neither can Heero and Duo, right?"
He nodded, once again amazed by her intelligence.
"That's stupid!"
He chuckled. "I think so, too. But you know what?"
"What?"
"Trowa and I don't have to get married. We know we'll be together for the rest of our lives; and then longer. Even though some people don't think love is everything, we do, and so do Heero and Duo. That's why it's ok if we don't get married we're married in our hearts and in our souls. Does that make sense to you?"
He watched her eyes light up. "Maybe you and Trowa and Heero and Duo should all have a pretend marriage, you know, you could get Wufei to be the pretend minister since he likes to preach all the time, and then you could get married! I know, you could go to your pretty mansion on your home colony. I saw it in the pictures you showed me before, and I bet it'd be really pretty there! Maybe your sisters could go and they'd see how happy you were and they'd stop being so mean all the time. Wouldn't that be a great idea, Quatre?!"
He smiled, sadness in his eyes. To go home and swear his love to Trowa for eternity in a Bonding ceremony, it's all he really wanted. To see his family accept him and his beloved, to know that finally, everything was good. But it was too much to hope for-far too much. But it was a pretty dream.
"I'll have to see what can be done; but no promises."
"Ok. But Quatre?"
"Yes?"
"If you get married to Trowa someday, you'll invite me, won't you?"
He reached across and pulled the slight child into his lap and held her close. He cuddled her, and ran his hands gently over her soft red hair. "No matter what, I promise we'll invite you. You'll be our special guests, and I'm positive that I can find a great job for you, too. Did you know Bonding cemimonies have flowergirls just like boy-girl marriages? How about flowergirl, would you like that job?"
Nodding, she giggled and snuggled closer to him. "I love you, Quatre."
"I love you, too, little one."
"And I love the both of you."
Quatre shifted his view and looked behind him to an amused and soft expression on Trowa's face. He offered a full smile, and kissed Marieminna's head before releasing her. Standing, he walked to Trowa. "So you love me, hm? Well I suppose you'll have to prove it to me before I can really believe you."
Trowa was fast; the kiss on Quatre's lips landed with intense passion; and he shifted, needing to feel closer to him-as close to him as possible. With lifted arms, Quatre wrapped his hands around Trowa's neck and allowed his taller partner to nearly lift him off the ground. He strained on his toes, loving the feel of Trowa's hands gliding softly along his back. They would have continued-and maybe gone further-if they hadn't heard a faint giggling.
Quatre dropped to the balls of his feet, and broke his hold on Trowa. Another giggle caught his attention, and with equal speed to Trowa's, Quatre swung around and grabbed Marieminna around the waist and lifted her into his arms, laying kisses and tickles all over her. Her laughter lit up his world, and the expression on Trowa's face as he watched his antics was priceless. He held the small child close, cuddling her once again. Someday-someday they'd be doing this to their own child. He closed his eyes against the joy and pain of that thought.
When Marieminna had gathered her ball and gone inside, Trowa encircled an arm about his waist. "It doesn't matter how many times I see it, or how many times I say it, you will make an incredible father someday."
Quatre beamed at the compliment, ignoring the tug at his heart. "Someday."
"Someday."
Together they left the warm gardens to collect Duo, Heero, and Wufei; it was time to get ready for the holidays.