To those of you who reviewed/e-mailed me to tell me that I wrote a great crazy Spike, ::blushes:: thank you, but attribute it to James Marsters' terrific acting ability and my innate talent for extrapolating on an already great thing. ;) And YES there is much Spuffyness to be had, dammit. But perverted little me has to put them through the wringer first and make them all kinds of flat before I mold them for my own demented purposes and make them kiss and make/fuck up/out.
Bloodluvingirl: There is more. Trust me. Much more. I'm glad you like it. ;) And thanks for the kudos on Crazy Spike. Hopefully we'll be able to find the cure and find a happy balance between Blood-happy Spike and Off-the-bean Spike. LOL
Remember, I don't own the characters, I only wish I did. If I did, Buffy would be locked in a basement with ten thousand Fyarl demons and no weapons and Spike (pre-soul, just for the Big Bad "flavor") would be chained naked in my bedroom… ::sighs and dreams::
Reviews make me happy. Happy Kellas write more. Please make a note of it. ;)
Chapter 3
Your education X-Ray cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends…Buffy was up most of the night, just watching him through the pitch-blackness of the room. Standing… or rather lying guard. When she heard movements downstairs, she knew that both Willow and the sun were up. Soon, the smell of bacon and eggs wafted up from the kitchen and Buffy's stomach growled in protest at its own emptiness. Groggily, she quietly rolled out of bed so as not to wake the still-sleeping vampire. She softly padded to the door of her bedroom and opened it, almost yelping in surprise as Dawn was revealed in the doorway.
"Jesus, Dawn, you scared me!"
The teenager raised an eyebrow. Her makeup was on, and she had her backpack slung over one shoulder. "So, we're even then." She held out a coffee mug filled with a thick red liquid. "Brought up some breakfast for Spike."
Shocked, Buffy accepted the proffered mug. "Dawnie, where'd you get this?"
Staring at the floor before meeting Buffy's gaze, Dawn said quietly, "If I tell you, you have to promise not to let on that I told you. Just pretend that you think I got it. Pretend I'm in trouble, even, if you want…"
"Dawn…Where'd it come from?"
Dawn took a deep breath. "Xander left shortly after you went upstairs to bed last night. He said he had errands to run and that he'd be back before he went home. When he came back, he had six packets of blood from the hospital in his arms, along with a stash of pig's blood from a local demon bar."
"Xander went to a demon bar and the hospital for blood?" Buffy could have fainted at this revelation.
"No." Once again, Dawn had found an unusual interest in the carpet. "He wouldn't say much to us. He just kinda shoved the blood into Willow's arms and muttered something about Clem and how he wanted Spike healthy enough to fight back when he finally staked him." She met Buffy's gaze again briefly. "He went to Spike's old crypt, from what Willow was able to find out from Clem later, 'cuz she went to pick up some of Spike's old clothes and whatever wasn't already torched, and Clem also told her that Xander had threatened to kill him if he told anyone about Xander trying to help Spike in any way…"
Buffy did her best to keep up with Dawn's rambling sentences, knowing the girl was still upset, and confused as she was that Xander would lift a finger for Spike except to run a wooden stake through the vampire's chest. Unsure of what else to do, she nodded.
"Oh," was all she was able to say.
Dawn abruptly pulled her into the hallway and closed the door quietly behind her sister. Buffy looked at her in confusion as she started talking again. "Oh, and don't worry about coming with me to school this morning. Xander's taking me, he knows you won't be coming, and I already called Principal Wood to tell him you were really sick and needed this morning off. After the thing with…" Her breath caught and she swallowed hard. "Cassie, he knows you probably need the rest. I figured you could use this time to make sure that Spike didn't get all wiggy about being in the house again, maybe get him settled?"
Buffy felt guilty about missing work, but her lip trembled slightly at how thoughtful and grown-up Dawn had been in all of her preparations. She pulled Dawn to her and hugged her tightly. "Dawnie, I am so sorry for keeping things from you, I know you were worried about me. There was no need to be, but I appreciate it just the same. I don't mean to keep you in a small corner of my life, I'm just not sure how to balance all the things that I know need to be done with how everyone will react to them…"
Dawn nodded against Buffy's shoulder before sniffing and making a face. "Um, Buffy, if that blood winds up in my hair or on my clothes, I am so going to paint your bedroom lime green…"
Carefully, Buffy checked. "Nope. Blood-free Dawn."
"Good. You might want to take that to him before it gets cold."
"Bossy much?" Buffy winked at her sister, impressed by her yet again. Every day she grew up a little more.
"You bring out the best in me, Buffy," Dawn winked back and waved. "I've gotta go. Willow's got breakfast for me ready and I need to scarf 'n run. I'll have her leave you some breakfast on the counter, she's got class this morning, but she'll be back at one o'clock."
And Dawn disappeared down the stairs.
Shaking her head, still amazed, Buffy quietly entered the bedroom. Through the small patch of indirect sunlight on the floor, she could tell before she shut the door that he was awake and looking at her. "Morning," she said gently.
"G-good morning…" she heard in the darkness.
"Do you mind if I turn on the lamp?"
"Please. Don't want to be in the dark."
The click of the switch was heard as she turned on the lamp next to her bed. She smiled at him gently, and for a moment he smiled back at her, before looking down at the carpet.
"A-are you real?" he asked quietly. "Is this real?"
"What do you mean?"
"Sometimes I see you… talk to you… tell you things, but it's not you. I feel you, smell you, hear you tell me we'll get through this and you want to help me, but it's not you. I blink and you're gone. Or you're there, but not hardly helpful at all…"
She sighed and followed his gaze to the carpet. "I'm sorry…" she whispered.
He looked up in surprise, but before he could ask her what she was sorry for, she held the mug up for inspection.
"I come bearing breakfast," she announced with a grin she didn't completely feel.
"Breakfast? As in O-negative? Or as in 'comes from a pig but isn't bacon'?" he smiled back at her, also seeming less than sincere in the effort.
She frowned slightly. "I'm not doing a taste-test, but I'm pretty sure it's high-grade stuff. Dawn brought it up."
His eyebrows shot up. "Nibblet? Thought she got all scary and wanted me charbroiled?"
"Well, scary's a pretty accurate definition, but not the kind of scary you're thinking… As for charbroiled, I think the jury's still out on that." She winked and offered him the mug. "Bottoms up."
He tentatively took the mug, which was still warm, and drank it like a thirsty man just out of the Sahara. Not a drop went to waste, and he licked the inside as well as his lips, trying to make sure he had gotten every last drop of the liquid.
"Christ, Spike, how long has it been since you fed?" Her brows knit at him in concern.
He stared into the mug, as if willing more blood to appear, and shrugged. "Coupla days. Give or take a few hours."
"Oh, Spike…" She fought back the urge to run her hand through the curls on his head. She was enjoying his brief sanity, no need to spoil the moment.
"I'll be alright. Clem always manages to find me right before I stoop to chasing after the rats in the basement." He gave her a flash of his old cocky grin before his face became an expressionless mask again.
She shuddered at the thought of him having to feed on rats. "You're not going back to the basement, Spike."
"I'm not?"
"No. You're staying here. At least until you get well again." She knelt on the floor in front of him, so they were at the same level and looked deeply into his eyes. "I'm real. I'm here. I'm not leaving or disappearing. We will get through this. No matter how many times you lose your grip on reality, I'll be here to grab your hand and help you get hold of it again. I promise."
He looked at the floor. "I-I can't ask that of you, Buffy." Chills went through her as he said her name, good chills. "Not after what I did…to us…to you…"
She took his hand and held it tightly. "Spike, if I have to beat this into you, I will. You're not asking this of me. This is what I should have done to begin with. Instead of being Anal-Buffy, I should have been there for you as you were for me. I forgot that there was a man in there with the monster. I'm here to help the both of them find balance."
He winced. "I went to get the monster out… get you what-what you deserved… Oh…gods…"
"Spike," she said sharply, catching his attention. "Stay with me. Focus on me."
Dumbly, he nodded, staring at her.
She reached up and tugged playfully on one of his curls, the roots having turned brown over the passing weeks. "I didn't appreciate what I had. If you wig out on me I'll never be able to finish this, so please stay sane so you can hear all of it… You loved me and gave yourself to me without a soul. You let me beat the shit out of you regularly and always came back to me for comfort when I was feeling like that Atlas guy with the world on my shoulders. And I always treated you like garbage. Like you were incapable of love, even though you proved it to me. Then you went and wrecked yourself. Made you go through more pain. Just because I was a bitch and wouldn't accept you as you were." She moved her hand from his curls and placed her palm against the side of his face, which he pressed against, relishing the moment, still not believing what he was hearing. "I'm not saying what I'm not sure whether or not I feel yet, I'm just saying that I won't lose you to yourself. I won't destroy you again by not caring." She took a big breath. "Whoa. Revelation Buffy…"
A tear ran down his cheek and he smiled slightly. "I liked it. You sure know how to make an undead guy feel better."
"Well, I'm not all ready for hugs and puppies yet, but how about this…" She worried her bottom lip with her teeth a bit as he looked questioningly at her. "We need to clean you up. I'm going to run you a bath. I won't look if you don't want, but if you need help, just tell me."
He shot a worried glance at the bathroom and clamped his eyes shut.
"Spike," she said slowly. "The only way to defeat the monster is to face it. Just keep telling yourself that we'll get through this. Okay? Not you, we. Okay?"
He nodded falteringly.
"Good. Now, I'm going to run that bath, and then I'm going downstairs while you get all cleaned up. Dawn said some of your clothes were downstairs."
Again, he nodded.
She went to the door of the bathroom, then turned and looked at him, smiling. "Oh, and Spike?"
He looked at her.
"That night you came over for the first time since you've been back?"
Another nod.
"I liked the clothes. You
looked good." She smiled bigger. "Real good."
She turned her back to run the water and didn't see the small, hopeful smile on his face, followed by another happy tear.