The MOST BESTEST SNAPE and HERMIONE fic EVER
3 by a young girl who watches too many soap
operas 3
Hermione Granger was a pretty (of course), attractive
(of course), and beautiful (didn't we just say that?) seventh year who had
changed greatly (of course) from the dorked-out first
year she once was. It wasn't that she had ever been ugly. No, she was instead
"aesthetically challenged." However, thanks to variety of hair-care
products (because we all know that bushy hair is unsightly), make up, and
assorted magic, Hermione no longer had to worry about
being ugly. She had more serious problems, one of which was that she now looked
like a hooker.
Not that this bothered her. After all, who needs brains?
As she woke up in the morning, (alone,
you dirty minded child!) millions of thoughts raced through her head, running into each other like
manic ferrets. Hermione noted this, and then realized
that she this was only because she was drunk. She shrugged. No different from
usual. She then proceeded to clumsily put on her revealing red dress, sparkly
high heels, and garish makeup. She staggered into the Great Hall clumsily and,
being careful not to rip her carefully ripped concoction, sat down. Harry and
Ron were nowhere to be seen, and really, she couldn't blame them. She wouldn't
want to be seen with the Hooker of Hogwarts either. A
little voice inside of her whispered that she still could rectify this
unfortunate situation, but she gave it a shot of vodka, and it proceeded to
giggle drunkenly. No, she was happy the way things were. Being mindful to show
a little leg in the direction of the professors' table on the way out, she
headed for her next class: Potions.
Harry and Ron had not saved her a seat. The little voice inside her started to
whisper, so she decided to shoot it (without vodka, this time). It whimpered
and died. Satisfied, Hermione looked around for a
chair. The only one open was next to a leering Draco Malfoy. As she pranced over to Malfoy
drunkenly, she felt an intense gaze on her back, almost begging her to
acknowledge its existence. Hermione sat down
stubbornly and averted her eyes, seductively winking at Draco
instead. There was no possible way that Hermione
would ever fall for a deep, dark, intense, glamorous, sexy, passionate,
longing, intelligent.... gaze again.
Chapter 1:
It had begun in the beginning of Hermione's seventh
year, when she was conveniently over the age of sixteen. Coincidence
much? Nope. Hermione had then been a
conservative, prudish witch, who had bushy hair, and brown eyes, and most
notably, intelligence. She was not hopelessly beautiful nor was she yet a
garish prostitute. She was simply the girl that she had always been:
intelligent and an avid reader, which sometimes annoyed her two friends, who
had not yet abandoned her. As a Gryffindor, Hermione had always believed herself
to be brave, which meant that she was also foolhardy and in love with lost
causes. This would change. She had yet to fall in love with anything else. This
would also change.
She was sitting in the Common
Room with Ron and Harry. Inexplicably, she was still not involved with Ron,
despite all of JKR's hints. It was a boring night, a
dark and stormy night, with nothing to do. There was always homework to do,
however, so Hermione happily curled up with a
textbook. All of the sudden, Ron started shaking and fell to the floor,
twitching wildly. Harry continued to stare into the fire morosely. Hermione continued to read. Ron, his words coming out in
gasps, continued to twitch away. Hermione continued
to read. "Hermione," Ron called,
"don't do it! Please, please, not the dark wolf on the day of the purple
tortoise! Argghhhh!" Even though the symbolism here was completely
obvious and in no need of elaboration on Ron's part, Hermione
continued to be oblivious to Ron's newfound Sight. The foreshadowing was simple
enough. Obviously, it meant that Hermione would be---
this part has been censored by the Mercy for Misled Mistresses of Magic
foundation.
Because time is not of the essence in the world of fanfiction,
Hermione's next appearance was in her Potions class.
Harry and Ron had saved her a seat, although at a later period they would no
longer do so and she would no longer want them to do so. She was approximately
15 seconds late, however, as she had pondered a bit too long that morning on
the Faustian nature of the third major wizarding
battle and its relation to Arithmancy and purple
tortoises. "Miss Granger," Snape hissed,
his disdain apparent, "that will be one thousand million points from Gryffindor for your impertinence."
Hermione bit her lip and began to cry, but soon ceased crying as she was afraid that the salt would ruin her Love Potion, which they were (coincidentally yet again) making in Potions today. Hermione, like the genius that she was, finished her potion before Snape finished giving instructions. This was not surprising as it took him ten times as long as any normal person to say the words, because he drew them out and savored them in a savage manner. In a half hour, however, the class had (for the most part) finished their Love Potions, except for Neville, who never finished anything and always stammered and needed Hermione's help because that was the course of fanfiction. Snape stopped and examined each student's potion, nodding approvingly at all... except (coincidentally) Hermione's. "Miss Granger," Snape barked, "your potion seems to be of a 3/100 lavender, 97/100 violet shade, while I believe I specifically instructed that is should appear to be 4/100 lavender and 96/100 violet. Obviously, you have disregarded my instructions yet again. Detention and another thousand points from Gryffindor. Show up at around ten, that should be late enou- I mean, you should be finished your homework by then. Prepare to work hard." With a sneer, he turned around. Close to tears, Hermione picked up her Love Potion instead of her schoolbag and inexplicably dumped its contents into her mouth.
"Oh no!" Hermione realized, as the potion churned in her stomach
violently (and she really couldn't blame it, seeing as the object of her
affections was somewhat disgusting- to her formerly, at least). This was when
the real change began. It was the beginning of Hermione's
unlikely change from demure, model Gryffindor to
wild, seductive Gryffindor.
Chapter 2-
Snape frantically mopped the dungeon's floors, making
them conveniently wet and slippery. At 9:59, Hermione poked her bushy head in and walked towards Snape's desk, which was conveniently cleared away of all
sharp objects. As she reached the front of the desk, she slipped! Surprise,
surprise! As Snape's strong, muscular (why? he never
works out or anything and Potions aren't what you would call heavy!) arms
caught her, they fell together to the floor. What a surprise. Hermione immediately jumped to the floor, but, as we have
mentioned, it was slippery. As in hard to stay upright on.
So she fell across his conveniently cleared desk, her head hitting the
strategically placed pillow. Snape leapt to his feet
immediately to see if she was injured. Surprise surprise,
she wasn't, but she did have a small cut to show that her LOVE for SNAPE would
involve great PAIN. Foreshadowing! "Stupid child!"
Snape hissed sibilantly, "even though I
purposely mopped the floors for this express purpose, it is beyond my vast
intelligence to attempt to unravel just why you fell to the floor in my arms.
Impudence! One thousand points from Gryffindor! Meet
me here again tomorrow. It's a Thursday. Expect the floors to be wet. I'm a
very clean man with a very sick min--. Oh, just show up." Hermione slid across the floors crying and exited.
The next evening she showed up again at 9:59, wearing rubber boots. Snape
looked very disappointed. The evening, however, proved not to be a total waste,
as Snape had been kind enough to set up some
softly-burning candles and had romantic music playing in the background. As
they stood together, a potion simmering in the cauldron, Snape
(as always) looked different from the vile, sarcastic jerk he usually appeared
to be. Hermione realized a number of things:
1) Snape's hair was not greasy, it just shone
appealingly
2) Snape's eyes were not threatening, they were
piercing
3) Snape's voice was not creepy, it was silky
4) Snape was the bestest thing since sliced bread!
It was a spiritual epiphany. She placed her hand on Snape's
arm timidly, and looked up into his eyes, thinking "piercing, not
threatening. Piercing, not threatening, piercing not
threatening."
For some strange reason, Snape suddenly become angsty and started to weep silently to himself. Hermione ran over in her rubber boots to comfort him as he
lay moaning on the floor. She tenderly patted his shoulder, and at last, Snape's "silky-not-creepy" voice emerged from his
body, which still lay contorted in a fetal position on the floor. "Is it
possible?" Snape murmured, his breath coming out
in gasps because of the tears, "can you really love this old pedophilic
sarcastic death eater, who is old enough to be your father, and who has never
shown you anything but hatred and bitterness?" "Of
course!" Hermione cried, as she flung
herself on him. "I love you, Snape!" As
they sat together on the floor, embracing each other, the narrator was suddenly
overwhelmed by all of these violent, angst-laden emotions and ran from the
keyboard, only typing in the following words to her readers.
"Authors Note: Snape
and hermione are so awesome together i love them so much they're my favoritist
pairing ever. thanks so much to my reviewers i'm so
glad you liked my story i can't wait to write more
it's going to be so aweomse especially the next few
chapters. i just love
hopeless love and to my reviewers, thanks to allof
you you rock but not as much as snpae!
thanks thanks except for
SmartGirl5, who is a bitch, b/c no snape is not too
old for her! they're just the right age for each
others and to SnapeyMustDie just becaus
i hate there s/n and b/c they sed
that there was no plot development."
Abridged Chapter 3-
UST and lust.
Abridged Chapter 4-
Hermione protests.
Abridged Chapter 5-
Snape pleads.
Abridged Chapter 6-
Hermione protests.
(Three week break on author's part because she feels guilty for writing such
smut. Author watches soap operas to brace herself for next chapter)
Abridged Chapter 7
Their "first encounter" in the dungeons. Taa-daa!
Chapter 8-28
Sex all over Hogwarts and much guilt for both parties
involved.
Chapter 29
Headmaster Dumbledore realized that something was up.
No, it just wasn't the lipstick kisses on Snape's
handkerchiefs. And it wasn't the information he had received that Snape addressed Hermione in class
(and out of class, presumably) as "Kitten" and "Darling"
and "Sexay Thang."
Dumbledore was not annoyed by this. No, it was the
recent shortage of twizzlers and gummy bears in the
kitchen that had really bugged him about Snape and Hermione. Who knows why they were gone, but gone they were,
and as every fanfiction reader knows, Dumbledore's only role in stories is to make inane comments
and offer Muggle candies to all. So obviously, due to
the shortage of treats, he could no longer offer said candies, which cut out on
his story time, which obviously bothered him.
"Snape,"
Dumbledore said to the Potions Master, "this
little affair with Miss Granger has gotten out of hand. I simply cannot have my
gummy bears missin- I mean, you can't go around
sleeping with every student. I made exceptions for Miss Weasley,
Miss Bell, Miss Spinnet, Professor Sinistra-- but I cannot allow this to continue. You must
end the affair. Now. Without taking
any more twizzlers or gummy bears."
Snape bowed his head sadly, knowing he would have to
break it off with his 304th soulmate. The thought
skewered his mind like a shish kabob.
Chapter 30
"My 'Mione," Snape
murmured as Hermione glided into his dungeons at 10,
"I have some very horrible, awful, dreadful news for you."
Hermione thought for a second. "Is it that you
laundered my pink silk nightie wrong again? I'll
forgive you."
"Oh, that reminds me. It's a few sizes smaller now. Do you mind?"
"Not at all. Please continue."
Snape hurriedly gathered
his thoughts together, and vanquished all thoughts of the pink silk, horribly
shrunken and mutilated (symbolism for their now dying LOVE!) nightie from his mind. He cleared his throat. "Well, SnakeyPrincess, it's like this. You know how much I love
you, right? You know I love you like a daughter?"
"Yes."
"And you know that I've given up all other women for you, right?"
"Yes. I do remember allowing you to keep the men, though."
"It was sweet of you."
"Not at all. Is something wrong, Professor?"
"Yes. Imagine this. Our love was like a flobberworm
just beginning to breathe, when suddenly, it was stepped on and smashed by the
great unyielding shoe of Dumbledore."
"Oh no," Hermione
said, her face white against her bright red lipstick. "Not the gummy
bears."
"Not just the gummy bears. The twizzlers,
too."
Hermione started to back up, silently shaking her
head in fear, "Not the twizzlers? It's over
then, Professor?"
Snape remorsefully bowed his head. "I'm sorry, 'Mione."
Tears began to form in Hermione's eyes. She ran out
of the dungeon, sobbing wildly. Suddenly, she turned abruptly and strode back
to the dungeons with purpose.
Snape expected a declaration of undying love, and had
his face set with steely resolve mixed with tenderness, though his black eyes
glistened with unshed tears.
"Professor," Hermione said, "do I
still have full marks for this quarter?"
Chapter 31-
Hermione realized, sitting in Snape's
class with her red dress on, holding hands with Malfoy,
that her life lacked all sense of purpose without her Professor. Without
glancing in his direction, and without letting go of Malfoy's
clammy grip, Hermione cautiously raised her hand to
answer a question, being mindful to show a little bit of leg.
Professor Snape's eyes opened wider, but then,
somewhat sadly, he renewed his interest in Miss Patil's
potion.
Hermione dunked her head into the boiling cauldron
and died.
The End.
Author's Note: thanks to all my betas, isn't that sadddd!
i thought their love was so desperite and yet so true and so like shakespeare
romeo and juliet kind of. they were doomed and fated and its so sad but this could
happen to any one of us so rememer that love is the
most important thing you all! all you need is love! to all those bitches who hate my stories and think snape is a pedophile you know who you are and i hope you die and burn in hell.