Chapter 2 "The Second Breaking Point"
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"Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth." --Katherine Mansfield
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How long he ran, Ryoga couldn't remember. Hours passed to days, and he just kept moving. If he remained focused on traveling, the days went quickly without thought without change. At night he found no solace and the nightmares made him sleep in fitful bouts. He knew he couldn't survive like this, but he was not ready for the change either, but regardless it came.
The change all started by a chance encounter with Cologne. If I would have known the consequences of what would result from this encounter, I wonder if I would have fled from her that day. No, I know I would have fled...
Ryoga had been traveling for several days deep in the mountains of Japan after that disastrous party. The events of the night weighed heavily on his soul. Late one evening he saw a campfire far off in the distance. I might as well see who is there, he thought. After all, they probably could give me some directions. Not that I think they will help me, but I have to keep trying. As Ryoga approached it and he found Cologne cooking some fish on a spit above the fire. A teapot as also glistened in the firelight.
She regarded him closely, which made Ryoga somewhat nervous, and then simply as said as if stating a fact to a child, "I have been expecting you."
"Why are you expecting me?" Ryoga demanded. I don't trust her, he told himself. After her deception with the learning of the Bakusai-ten-ketsu, I don't have any reason to trust her.
"With three thousand years of Chinese Amazon Tradition, I've learned to sense many important events before they occur. Tonight will be one of them. Actually I wanted to ask you a few questions. " she replied. A smug grin crossed her face as she continued.
"What is your primary goal, Ryoga?"
"What do you mean, primary goal?" he demanded. Cologne moved with incredible speed, striking Ryoga on the head with her stave.
"If you are going to ask questions, show respect. What do you want more than anything else in the world?"
Oh, that's easy, Ryoga thought, rubbing his throbbing temple. She didn't have to hit me so hard. "I want to defeat Ranma," he replied automatically.
"Why?"
"Because of how he treats Akane. She deserves better than the likes of him." Ryoga explained with a hint of frustration leaking into his voice. And for what he did to me. Why is she asking such stupid questions?
"So could you rephrase your goal as getting Ranma to treat Akane better—or even Akane being treated well?" Cologne replied smugly.
"Umm..I guess that's right. Ryoga stammered.
"Well then, Ryoga, how is defeating Ranma going to change how Akane is treated?" Cologne inquired with a hint of scorn in her tone.
"What do you mean?" Ryoga replied angrily. What was she getting at? Ryoga barely managed to get out of the way before her stave came down again. "Sorry." He muttered. I shouldn't stay here and listen to this garbage.
"Good he can be still be taught." She grinned wolfishly at him. "What I am saying is your methods won't accomplish your goal. Improving Akane's treatment and defeating Ranma have nothing to do with one another. After all when you had that tattoo of the battling god, you easily defeated Ranma numerous times. You could have defeated him when he was weakened before learning the Hiryuu Shoten Ha as well. Did defeating him change anything at all?"
"Well,...umm...no, but that's not the point." Ryoga conceded.
"My point is that you aren't focused on the right goal. That's why you aren't making any progress towards it. Do you remember when I was teaching you the Bakusai-ten-ketsu?" Cologne explained.
"I remember it very well." Ryoga snapped. How could I forget that failure? Even with your help I couldn't beat Ranma that day. Worst of all, it was in front of Aka...
"Well, do you remember what you drilled into that boulder. Those simple characters that spelled..."
"Akane..."
"Exactly. So what is you primary goal now?" Cologne prompted.
Ryoga hesitated for a moment. That happened one other time as well. I pushed the characters into the floorboard in that cabin without thinking that night I found that little white pig. As much as I hate to admit it, she's right. My goal has be Akane all along—at least subconsciously. It hasn't anything to do with Ranma. Except he's the opposition.
"Why are you telling me this? Why are you trying to help me?" he blurted out in anger. Of course. She wants me to separate Akane and Ranma. In a way our goals are the same, just different sides of the same coin. If Akane and I...then, Shampoo and Ranma.. That's why she's helping me. That's the only reason she cares at all about me. I am just a pawn furthering her goals...
"Well what is your primary goal, Ryoga?"
"You don't answer my questions, so why should I answer yours?" Ryoga shouted in vexation.
Cologne smiled grimly. "Your questions don't matter to me. Mine do matter to you."
Ryoga stared forward for a brief moment, his eyes trying to fix on a point in the darkness. His anger had subsided into something much colder. Why do I feel so bad about myself? I don't know what my goal is...I have been so consumed by trying to defeat Ranma, I don't have much else. And she's right I did defeat him. And it doesn't matter. It never mattered. All my hardships have been in vain....I do know what my goal is. I just haven't been able to admit it to her to Aka...the only person that matters...
The tears swelling up in his eyes, Ryoga did the only thing he could. He ran into the darkness.
*
*
Ryoga, you fool, Cologne silently thought. Did you really think I would ask you questions without knowing the answers myself already?
Quickly dousing the flames with a bucket of water, Cologne started to pursue Ryoga. I need to make sure he comes to the right conclusions. He's not a bad boy, she mused, especially because his wishes mirror my own. Having Akane separated from my future-son-in-law by her own will, would be better than using force. It would be much harder for my future-son-in-law, to struggle against that. But I will do that if it comes to that. I just can't afford to wait for him to waste anymore time waiting on Ryoga. After all the more he delays the harder it will be separating my future-son-in-law if he fails. That's why I had to give him a little push in the right direction. Hopefully, she wondered, I didn't push him too far. Tampering with the human heart was always a risky business. One could never really know how far a slight tap might take one. I would never have thought Shampoo would have truly fallen in love with Ranma, but it seems to be so now. Ryoga was just as delicate around Akane, perhaps more so.
He almost seemed to be shaking inside. Fists of stone and a heart of glass, indeed. If he dealt with his mental anguish half as well as he did with physical discomfort he would be fine. Perhaps this weakness is even greater than his Jusenkyo curse.
Idly, she remembered training Ryoga to defeat her future-son-in-law. So much has happen since I have arrived in Japan, she thought as sighed briefly. But the testing is finally done so now the game truly begins. Cologne smiled as she remembered the events of the past months with particular clarity.
Her future-son-in-law had met or exceeded every challenge placed before him. Not that she would have accepted any less. The tribal law shown to outsiders was more a formality than actual law.
She let her mind drift a bit as she followed. Ryoga is getting ahead, but not far enough to be able to evade me. I'll catch him soon enough. Over her long lifetime Cologne had learned to attack her own plans from every angle. Rarely was she foiled when it wasn't part of her plan to be so. The only clue that might reveal my plans was teaching Ranma my ancient techniques like Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken and the Hiryuu Shoten Ha. Why would I teach my secrets to an outsider if I weren't sure he would become part of the tribe? Of course none of them have realized that yet and by the time they do, if they do, well then it will be too late. Cologne grinned as she started the chase on Ryoga.
Suddenly she sensed something—something evil. Something incredibly vile. It was within a close proximity. There could only be one thing so evil in all Japan.
With a start Cologne braced herself and silently mouthed the word "Happi"
*
*
Happousai quickly made his way through the mountain trail. Ranma has pushed me too far this time. Ungrateful ingrate. All I wanted was a little student to Master bonding time, but he just doesn't understand me. Neither did Akane. None of them understand. After all the time I spent training Soun and Genma. And what do I get in return? Ingrates...
Happousai felt a wave of angry come over him. All they do is plot against me. Well, I have had it. I have gone too soft on them. They are really going to pay now. I won't forgive them easily this time. The worms will be pleading before I am done with them.
He stopped as he came to the opening of the cave that he had been sealed in so long ago. I spent so long in this dark old cave thanks to Soun and Genma. Maybe I should lock them down here before I am done. Or Ranma. Yes, he thought Ranma. For all his claims otherwise, a little separated from Akane would hurt him more than anything else I could do. And Soun and Genma would be hurt as well. They'll carry on the school, but ten years should be fitting justice.
It was equally fitting, he thought, the method of my revenge will come from the same place they sealed me in. When they sealed me in, they didn't know I had a second scroll of my legendary technique the Happodaikarin. With the real Happodaikarin, I will truly be unstoppable. And then the mice will meet a real cat....
Happousai smiled fully appreciating how his analogy fit Ranma's own weakness. And in that instant he was knocked from his feet.
*
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"Watch were you are going, boy? Or I'll have to teach you how to respect your elders?" the wrinkled and stunted old man threatened.
Ryoga said slowly, "You look familiar. Hey, you're Ranma's perverted master aren't you?" As an after thought he added "And you ran into me." What is he doing out here?
"Ranma is no student of mine, I am going teach him a lesson soon enough. You're that Ryoga boy aren't you. And you are calling me perverted?!" Happousai chuckled as he leapt to his feet.
"What is that supposed to mean, you..." Ryoga struggled for an instant for an insult. "You old freak." I guess using Ranma's is better than nothing. If he's suggesting what I think he is, I'll kill him.
The look on Happousai 's face hardened quite a bit. He changed his tone to the one he used to lecture small children.
"Oh, just about everyone knows about Akane's little piggy." Happousai began. At the word piggy Ryoga felt himself bristle.
"Frankly I couldn't be prouder if I had thought of that idea myself, boy. I wasn't insulting you, just saying we are kindred spirits. Actually I could train you to defeat Ranma. Even that Kuno boy almost defeated him with the help of my lightening potion...you could surely..." Happousai observed.
"Damn you! You take that back, or I'll..." Ryoga challenged. Or I'll what? Let you beat me up.
"Look, I am only stating the truth. Now are you interested in training or not?"
"I am not a pervert. Ranma's the pervert. And I wouldn't train under you. You make me sick. Take what you said back!" Ryoga shouted angrily.
"Be reasonable boy. There is nothing wrong with having interests like we do. Trust me, I've lived my whole life like this. " He paused to reflect for a moment then continued, "I can recognize a brilliant scheme when I see one. What you did to Akane is so insidious...I love it. Now as I was sayi..." as he spoke he grinned suggestively.
"I am not like you! That's it. Prepare to die, you dirty old man." Ryoga yelled impulsively as he charged Happousia. I can't believe what this pervert is accusing me of. It makes me so mad...
Happousia easily dodged out of the way of Ryoga's headlong assault. As he passed by, Happousai tapped Ryoga with his pipe and Ryoga was thrown forward into a boulder.
"I guess I am going to have to teach you a lesson of respect for your elders." For an instant that seemed like an eternity, Ryoga struggled to his feet and renewed his charge screaming unintelligently. Happousia easily avoided his blows and then hit him with a slight tap that spent Ryoga spiraling upward. He hit the ground with a loud thud. Before Ryoga could as much as stand, Happousia tossed a small brown fire cracker at Ryoga and it exploded on impact.
"This isn't over, not by a long shot." Ryoga said in a grim voice as he worked his way back to his feet. I won't let him defeat me. If I did, I could never face Ak...I won't allow it. If she heard about this my life would lose all meaning. She would hate me more than even him. Depression surged throughout Ryoga and he only felt worse. My life just keeps getting lousier and lousier. Even when I think it can't get any worse it does. First, I thought the day Ranma tarnished my honor fleeing our battle. Then I thought the day Ranma pushed me into that spring it was the worst it could be that it was hell itself being trapped in the body of a pig. But now I know Akane hating would be infinitely worse. And then Ryoga's depression manifested itself.
"Shishi houkou-dan". Ryoga ki attack surged forth blasting Happousia. The blazing ball of ki streaked forward unerringly. The old man was knocked from his feet for an instant more surprised than hurt, but sprung up almost immediately.
"So you want to play rough do you? Well, remember I am a master, while you are nothing more than a dabbler in the Art." Happousai 's battle aura surged forth. The red spirit outline formed an aura of utter rage. Ryoga was awestruck.
I can't do anything. Why aren't my limbs responding. I am just so afraid. The power...
The old man slowly walked up to Ryoga and tapped him in the stomach with his pipe. Ryoga was flung forward helplessly into the cave. He crashed into a boulder several dozen feet deep in the cave. Ryoga strained his body and worked his way to his feet.
"Well, boy, I am impressed that you managed to even get up after that last attack. But you are in no condition to fight a new born kitten, so you have no chance of defeating me." Happousai gloated.
The old man moved forward with blinding speed. With another tap of his pipe, Ryoga was thrown to the entrance of the cave again. The crunch of bone against stone echoed loudly. Dusting himself off, Happousai put his pipe away.
"Well, that was easy enough. I guess that proves I still got it." He chuckled. "Now to find that scroll," he murmured to himself as he started to survey the cave.
"Bakusai-ten-ketsu." Ryoga growled in fury as he sought every breaking point he could reach. "I told you it wasn't over by a long shot." He whispered. Any response by Happousai was drowned out by the crash of falling rocks.
He staggered to his feet, but then collapsed under his own weight. Darkness bled into his senses until he could we engulfed by it.
*
*
Ryoga awoke with a start. Everything hurts. What on earth happened? He stiffly managed to rise to his feet.
Where is Happousai? It must have been a dream. I couldn't have actually kil...
Ryoga quickly scanned the area and there was the cave—complete with the entrance blocked with rocks. Cologne stood in front of it inscribing some fashion of runes on the rocks before Ryoga.
"Did I kil—it was an accident. I just lost my temper after what he said..." Ryoga stuttered.
"No, it would take a lot more than a few falling rocks to kill him. He was sealed in this spot once before by Genma and Soun. They did a very poor job and he managed to break free eventually. My wards, once they are finished will hold him he for some time." Cologne answered.
"But by the same merit, Ryoga, what if you had killed him? You should learn to control your temper. It is more than likely you might someday do something you'll regret." Cologne lectured as she worked, turning her back on him to complete the ward.
"I don't know what I would do if I had..." Ryoga mused. What if that had been Ranma? Or if Akane or some innocent person had gotten the way of one of our fights. As much as I talk about fighting Ranma, I don't know what I would do without...
As Cologne worked, Ryoga Hibiki slipped into the darkness, his body injured, his soul in turmoil.
*
*
How long Ryoga ran, he never knew. He just ran and ran. He was bleeding in half a dozen places, but he couldn't make himself care. At last the physical and emotional distress overwhelmed him and he collapsed. Finally he crept into an uneasy sleep.
Sleep of course was worse than being awake. He could block out events by focusing on his physical injuries--by embracing his pain, but while he slept the nightmares struck without mercy. Ryoga could see all too well the events of the Christmas party and his encounters in the mountains as they were woven in nightmare after nightmare.
When he finally awoke, the brilliant sun was shinning down upon him. He just remained sprawled on his back eyes closed and mind raced considering the events of his recent history. Pushing the thoughts of the past out of his mind he started to walk. If he was moving he could avoid thinking. One foot, then the other, in endless repetition.
As he walked forests faded to concrete sidewalks, but Ryoga simply wasn't awake on that level. Everything he saw and thought was still in a haze. People looked at his ghastly state, but no one said anything to him. He focused on putting on foot in front of the other, cut off from the outside world. Suddenly his reverie was shattered.
"Hello there, are you ok? Honestly, you look dreadful..."
Ryoga looked at the man that had addressed him. He was a young man in his mid twenties. Brown hair and eyes and a gaunt frame. The only feature that was distinguished him from others was a pair of glasses, that almost shined like tin foil in the sunlight.
"I am ok..." Ryoga muttered weakly.
"Would you object if I cleaned up some of those wounds. I am a doctor...I'd hate to see any get infected."
"I guess that's ok."
The doctor led him into a small clinic, and sat Ryoga down on an examining table. He leaned over another shelf and pulled out some bandages and ointments.
As he started to apply the bandages and ointments, he asked "So how did you get so beat up in the first place?"
"I got into a small fight. I lost my temper and didn't hold anything back, it was me or him."
"What were you fighting over?" the young doctor inquired.
"The guy said something that I couldn't stand to hear said." Ryoga muttered. Why am I revealing this to this doctor? I guess he's helping me, but I shouldn't feel so at ease with a stranger...maybe my injuries have affected my mind...there's something about him, I can't place...competence
"Was it true?" the doctor asked.
Ryoga bit his tongue. It was true, but not like how that old freak suggested it.
"I see." The doctor said after a moment of silence.
"I don't know how explain the fight.. he said something about a friend...," Ryoga stammered, "There's a girl I like a whole lot, but whenever I try to talk to her, well something in me snaps. I just trip over my words and I can't admit to her how I feel."
The doctor looked away for a moment and gazed longingly at the window. "I think I understand how you feel. We are more of kindred spirits than you know."
"I just can't control myself when I lose my temper." Ryoga sighed.
"What if that girl you like would have been there? She could have gotten hurt, by the looks of your wounds."
Ryoga stood stunned for a moment and then built up his resolve. I must control my temper. It's just so easy to give into it and lose myself in that rage. I remember when Ranma was learning the Hiryuu Shoten Ha. I was the catalyst, he needed my anger. But it hurts me now. I need that soul of ice. I need control not rage now. I can't let myself hurt Akane or some other innocent due to my anger. If she would have been at that cave, she could have been killed. I must control my angry. Not now, not ever will I succumb to it again! It's holding me back. No wonder I never can reach my goals with such a distraction.
"You're right." Ryoga said simply, hating to admit it.
"You can't make a resolution in one day. You need to believe it and focus on it. Where are your parents?"
"My entire family has a poor sense of direction," he started, That's an understatement, "we all get lost...I've not seen them much at all. I never have. It's ok, I've sorta got used to it." He continued.
"Everyone needs friends and family. You seem to have a lot burdening you. Do you attend school?"
"It's not possible with my sense of direction. I couldn't go even if I wanted too...I tried once, but I realized it would never work." Ryoga explained. I couldn't even do it for her, he thought remembering his oath not to fight while studying for that placement test.
"I see. Would you consider being an informal apprentice?" The doctor asked. "I know it seems sudden, but until your wounds heal you really shouldn't be by yourself regardless."
"I don't know...I wouldn't want to impose." Ryoga said. I've got to get out of here. I don't know why but it just feels wrong. There's no way someone should be helping a total stranger so much. He took a step backward towards the door and stopped. I always run when I can't handle something. Like the Christmas party, like from what Cologne said, like from what I did to that old freak. Could I be running still?
"Besides, I'd love to have the company."
"I am kinda a loner." Ryoga added weakly. It probably wouldn't hurt to stay until I can shrug off these injuries...no more running...time to face life like a man rather than child.
"You'd really be no trouble at all. We could work on your education alittle while you're body recovers, and perhaps work on you're skills later."
"I guess I could stay for awhile, again if it wouldn't be too much trouble."
" Let me get something."
The doctor went to the study and returned after a few minutes. In his hands, he had a worn pair of leather shoulder pads. He slowly put them on Ryoga.
"You've been carrying a very heavy emotional burden, I think, let's match it with a physical one." The doctor said quietly.
"Thank you I think..."Ryoga said awkwardly
"Great, we'll start immediately." The doctor said, taking a step towards his library.
"Oh, my name is Ryoga Hibiki, sorry it slipped my mind earlier..."
"I am Doctor Tofu."
*
*
The first thing Ryoga found different about his life were his sleeping habits. The nights became short and terrible. He couldn't bear to sleep. Insomniac barely described him accurately. His subconscious tormented him with events of the past, over and over again in endless repetition. Ryoga saw lost opportunities dangled in front of him again and again only to be jerked out of his grasp at the last moment. It was as if his depression were a vampire. Alive when night fell, but terribly afraid of the light of day. On a good night he'd get four hours of uneasy sleep, the rest spent reading.
His days were divided into two major parts. The first part was his informal education. When Doctor Tofu wasn't receiving a patient, he would select a wide variety of novels and books of all sorts for Ryoga to read and then they would discuss them at great length. These books ranged histories of Japan, China, and the West, to European novels like "Hamlet" and "Faust", and everything in between. Ryoga struggled at first with this literature, but he quickly found he had a talent in understanding the darker emotions. The bleaker a book was the better he would understand it. Interestingly enough, Ryoga quickly noticed that Doctor Tofu would stress the points of honor, morals, and duty more than anything else. Ryoga. They deftly avoided the topics of their first conversation and Ryoga's past and for that Ryoga was thankful. Doctor Tofu would also challenge Ryoga at a number of games like chess that were very strategic. At first he lost quite a bit, but as time based Ryoga began to learn how to evaluate the situations better and slowly became better at the various games.
The second part of his education was largely secondary knowledge. Doctor Tofu was a chiropractor, and Ryoga often watched him help patients. Over time, he slowly began to pick up a rudimentary knowledge of what the doctor was doing and why he chose to do what he chose. Ryoga found himself asking questions that were very specifically targeted to the Doctor. He usually knew the answers before he even invented the questions, at least after awhile. It was almost like a battle, you have to predict what your opponent is going to do next and react with a combination of training and instinct.
Ryoga measured his days in how his wounds improved. At first there seemed little progress. However slowly, he recovered his strength as winter faded to spring.
*
*
One night after hiding from his nightmares for so long, Ryoga decided it was time for him to face them. He need to considered the direction of his life, which meant thinking about the party, the battle, and what Cologne had said.
As much as I hate it Cologne is right. I've had a mental block. My truest goal has been and will always be Akane's welfare. Even when she lost her inheritance, I helped to train her to get it back, despite the fact that it would only unite her and Ranma. I just couldn't stand to see her suffer. Even when my mind said leave and I ran away that night, my subconscious brought me back—I am a slave to it.
I really don't like Ranma not for what he's done to me, but what he's done to Akane. For the fact he's so mean to her. My primary goal is her. And he makes her upset! She was so disappointed when he wouldn't eat her food the day of the party...and at the Christmas party...she was so happy when they saw those falling stars, her head on his shoulder under that brilliant light. But seeing her that way hurt me. I've never been able to make her light up like that...a smile that could raise the dead...
I've been a dunce before. I've looked at their words and not their actions. His mind briefly touched a thousand different little events, as small as a glance and as large as risking their life for the other's benefit.
I've been so blind, so very blind. They do love one another. I don't love her though, not in the same way. She rescued me when I was alone in the world. Akane brought meaning to my life. But she doesn't love me. And I don't love her, like that, I only want to reflect that warmth she gave to me, back to her. I want her to be at her highest state...I want her to be happy above all else...and as much as I want to be the one to help her reach that status, I never shall be able to. I want her to be happy so desperately, that is my primary goal, my reason for existence, always has been to since I truly met her. And she loves Ranma for better or worse, there's nothing I can do or say to change that. Even if I defeated him or even killed him, it wouldn't change a thing...the latter only making Akane hate me. She loves him unconditionally...
That's why both Akane and Ranma get jealous over such stupid things. They can't admit it, but they do! If they really hated each other, they wouldn't care. It's so obvious now, why couldn't I see it before? Akane wouldn't care about Shampoo or Ukyo and Ranma wouldn't get jealous of my secret...
Ryoga mused darkly, She is bound to find out eventually about my curse. It's just a matter of time. It could be days, it could be weeks, it could be years, but just the same she will find out. And then she'll hate me as bitterly as she can fathom hate. If she finds out Ranma knew, she'll hate him too, and that will hurt her because she loves him so much. I need to protect that secret.
Oh, who am I fooling now. Myself? I can't bear to tell her not because I fear for Ranma but because I fear for myself. No more delusions, no more illusions. I need to face my fears. I think I could keep it hidden though, I've managed this long, after so many close calls...
Oh, Akane...no, even if she would never find out; I have to tell her. I talk about honor, but I live a lie. She'll hate me for sure, but I have to tell her. It's my only hope for redemption, to purge my sense of honor..
I have only one course of action.
Ryoga quickly jotted down a simple note, explaining to his mentor that he had some unfinished business to attend too...and that it was unlikely he'd ever return. He thanked his benefactor for his time and he hoped to make him proud.
Ryoga had finally reached out with his mind's eye and sought the breaking point. Not the breaking point of stone but one much more difficult to fathom, one of the mind. Unlike stone that after shattering only created a cloud of dust that obscured reality, the one of the mind once shattered created only clarity to reality.