* * *
"IT'S DISGUSTING!"
"It's perfectly healthy and better for them than chocolate!"
"CHANG!"
"MAXWELL!"
"BOTH OF YOU STOP IT!!!" Heero took a deep breath to calm himself. "Now, both of you shut up. Duo, put Shingam down. Wufei, help me open these containers. And Duo," he paused until he had his lover's attention, "peanut butter ice cream is not disgusting."
"I told you, Maxwell."
"Shut up!"
Quatre chuckled at the antics of his friends. Beside him, Trowa gently placed Killashandra on her feet so she was standing on the table in the middle of their private dining room. He smiled at her before running his hand lightly over her hair; she again leaned into the touch.
Quatre smiled once more to Trowa and then moved to collect two bowls for the ice cream. Once he had them in hand, he turned just in time to see Sally and Lady enter; they opted to sit discretely out of the way. He nodded in their direction before returning to Trowa's side.
As he set the bowls down, his injured arm brushed lightly against the edge of the table, and it was all he could do to keep from crying out. He'd noticed the pain return not long after helping Killashandra into her dress but he'd opted to ignore it. There were more important things to be done. The last dose of morphine Trowa had given him had been hours ago, and now the pain was returning full force.
Opening his eyes, he noticed Killashandra watching him and knew immediately, he had to be strong; she and Shingam were more important than his stupid arm. He tried to figure out how these two strange and mysterious children had become such an important and integral part of his life in only a matter of a few days. But in reality, it was much longer than that; these children had been a part of him since they'd first started calling for his help--and something told him, even longer than that.
Suddenly, he felt his chin lifted and a pair of warm, soft lips meet his own. When Trowa pulled away, Quatre was almost breathless. "I thought you could use that." Trowa offered a devilish smile before taking the bowls from his still stunned hands.
Guilt suffused Quatre as he considered telling Trowa about his arm. He knew his lover would not appreciate his silence but also knew that Trowa would insist on another dose of medication. It would take nearly an hour for the medicine to wear off enough for him to function again, and he simply didn't have time for that.
Taking a deep breath and willing away the ache in his arm, Quatre pulled a chair from the table and sat, urging Killashandra to sit on the top of the table. After a little coaxing, she did; Shingam came to sit beside her. He noticed that Killashandra had not looked away from him, not even when Shingam had come to sit next to her; he decided to say nothing.
A moment later, Duo was beside him, eye level with Shingam. "Ok, kiddo, what kind of ice cream do you want to try first?"
A slight panic seemed to steal over the boy before he turned to look at Heero. Then just as quickly as the look had appeared, Shingam turned back to Duo and said, "The white kind."
"What! You mean Vanilla? Kid, you gotta learn to live a little. But ok, if that's what you want, fine. Vanilla it is--coming right up. Tro, be so kind as to assist me in the scooping process. Ahh, there's a good man."
Quatre laughed softly as Trowa bowed at the waist in response to Duo's request before winking at him and reaching for the container with the Vanilla. There was a little tiff, however, as Duo used his hip to push Trowa away from the ice cream scoop before Trowa retaliated and simply stole the dish Duo had been scooping into. He watched as Shingam smiled and even Killashandra turned to look before returning her gaze to his face.
"They're pretty crazy, aren't they, Shingam?"
The boy turned to look at him before nodding, "Yes."
"Crazy, hmm?" Trowa looked down at him, a teasing smile on his face. Quatre only wished his arm didn't hurt so much, so he could enjoy it.
"Well, you know, crazy in a loose sense of the word. Not really 'crazy', crazy."
"Hn."
Handing him the bowl and spoon, Trowa took the chair beside him. Smiling against the pain that was rapidly becoming more apparent, Quatre used his good hand to load the spoon before lifting it to Killashandra's mouth. But the child refused to open.
"Killashandra, it's ok. It's just ice cream. It won't hurt you." But the little girl refused, only looking into Quatre's eyes, making him witness her silence like a blow.
"Quatre." Startled, he turned to look at Shingam. "Wait."
A command, not a request. He turned to look at Duo who'd taken the seat in front of Shingam before turning back to Shingam and nodding his head.
The boy quickly looked away and took the bowl of ice cream from Duo's hands. He lifted the bowl and looked accusingly at the white substance inside. Turning the bowl, he seemed to be looking for something. Lifting it to his nose, he smelled it before handing it back to Duo.
"You taste it first."
Quatre's heart broke at the complete lack of trust this little boy had in all of them. He wanted to reach across the foot that separated them and take Shingam into his arms, promise his eternal safety, and never let him go. Quatre watched as the same emotions flitted across the face of the man that had once called himself Death.
Offering a weak smile and a nod, Duo set the bowl on the table and lifted the spoon, taking a bite of the ice cream. Then in a very Duo-like fashion, caused a scene.
"AAAKKCCKKKK!" Grabbing at his throat, Duo dropped the spoon and threw his head back. Suddenly, he lurched forward and into Shingam's line of sight. Mouth hanging open, tongue sticking out, Duo rolled his eyes into the back of his head and let out a loud gasping breath.
In front of him, Shingam's eyes had become huge, attesting to his fear. Yet the boy remained where he was, not moving a muscle.
Then Duo started to convulse. Shaking his entire body in the chair before suddenly stopping dead and slacking lifelessly in his chair.
The last movement of Duo's body acted like a release for Shingam, who jumped up and screamed. "Quatre!" There was a note of pure terror in the boy's voice, and if Duo's antics hadn't happened so quickly, he would have stopped him immediately.
Just as he was reaching out for Shingam, Duo suddenly sat up and grabbed the boy into his arms, swinging him around until he could lean up against the table's edge.
Eyes wider than the sun, Shingam stared at Duo, too frightened and stunned to say anything or even move. But Duo only planted a loud kiss on the boy's forehead and said, "Didn't I already tell you I hated Vanilla ice cream? I don't know how you and Heero can stand the stuff!"
"Duo what the Hell were you thinking?!" Heero's outraged voice sang across the silent room.
Duo visibly winced under Heero's angry tone. "Gee, I was just playing around. Shingam knew I was just joking, didn't you?" But when Duo looked into Shingam's eyes, he knew immediately he'd made a grave error. In his arms, the boy visibly shook, a haunted look cemented on his face. "Oh, God. Shingam, are you ok? Look, I'm fine. Everything's ok. I was only playing with you; it was just a joke. Look, I'm ok; and the ice cream wasn't poisoned or anything. It was just a joke. Oh, God, kiddo, I'm so sorry." Duo held the boy close, wrapping his arms completely around Shingam's shaking body.
Quatre was about to lay into Duo when Heero did it for him. "Duo, let go of him."
"Heero, I was only-"
"NOW!"
Taking the little trembling boy from Duo's reluctant grasp, Heero swung the boy into his own arms and held him close. Lightly he ran his hand over the rich sable hair and talked to him quietly. "Don't be afraid, Shingam, Duo was only being a baka-idiot. He didn't mean to scare you, but that doesn't make it right, either. Look, he's fine, just being stupid." And Shingam did, lifting his face from Heero's neck. Shingam looked over at Duo before pulling away and looking at Heero in question. "He was only being a baka. He's fine, and the ice cream is fine, too. We won't hurt you. That's why your mother told you Quatre would come and save you. She knew we wouldn't let anything happen to you. You'll be safe here always."
Shingam looked down and then glanced at Duo's remorseful face before turning to Killashandra. They looked at each other for a moment before Shingam nodded once and then looked back at Heero. "Duo's still alive." Heero nodded to the statement. "The ice cream isn't poisoned." Again, Heero nodded. "He was only being a baka."
A slight grin slipped past Heero's stoic face before he nodded. "Duo no baka." Shingam seemed to think this over for a moment before nodding his head and looking back at Duo. "Can we have some ice cream now?"
Relief washed over Duo's face as he nodded his head and reached for the bowl. Heero shook his head before setting Shingam next to Killashandra once more. The two children looked at each other again and remained that way until Duo handed the bowl to Shingam.
Duo asked, "You don't want me to taste it again, now do you?"
Heero was about to say something--as was Quatre--when Shingam looked to Duo and offered a slight smile. Handing the unexamined bowl back to Duo, he looked from the bowl to Duo and then opened his mouth. Smiling, Duo scooped the white confection onto the spoon and delivered it to Shingam's waiting mouth.
The boy seemed to pause for a moment before he slowly began to work the melting ice cream around. Finally, when there was nothing left, he looked from Duo to Quatre and then to Heero before looking to the bowl and opening his mouth again. Duo was more than happy to supply the goods.
A little while later, the bowl was empty, and Duo was tipping it over to express that point to the disappointed eyes of one little boy. But Shingam only paused before looking over at Killashandra and then Quatre. "You can feed her now."
Concerned by Shingam's power over Killashandra but willing to go along for now, Quatre lifted the spoon and brought it slowly to Killashandra's lips. When they didn't open, he looked into her eyes and paused. Vacant windows stood before him, tempting him to step into the void and be lost. There was something powerful-and deadly-about this little girl. The meaning of her name, "Killer of minds," brought him back to the task at hand. Then her mouth lay open, waiting for the proffered treat.
Not long later, the bowl was finished, and Quatre smiled lovingly at Killashandra. "Did you like it?" He looked to Shingam for a response.
The boy seemed a moment off guard before he looked to Killa, nodded, and then replied. "We liked it."
Quatre chuckled, ignoring the pain the jarring had caused in his arm. "Want some more?"
This time Shingam didn't have to look at Killa he only nodded his head. "Yes."
"I'll get it." Trowa stood and took both of the bowls. He returned a few moments later, simple chocolate in his hands.
Quatre was about to wait for Duo to finish feeding Shingam, when the boy shook his head. "You can give her the ice cream now." Taking the permission for what it was worth, Quatre followed Duo's lead and emptied the bowl in no time.
Two bowls of Chocolate Chip and Chocolate Chip Mint later, Quatre paused to ask a question. "Ok, Shingam, you've had four different kinds of ice cream now. Which one did you like the best?"
Shingam paused for a moment, looking at the empty bowl and then back at Quatre, a dark expression crossing his small face. "What happens if I choose wrong?"
Confusion crossed the faces of the pilots before Quatre answered. "There isn't a wrong answer. I just wanted to know which one you liked the best."
"If I answer wrong, what happens?" His voice was cold, a note of mistrust weighing in it.
"Nothing." And then Quatre understood. Like lighting crashing into his senses, he knew why Shingam was in such a panic. "Shingam." The boy looked at him. "There isn't a wrong answer. You can pick any of the flavors you've tried. Nothing will happen if you pick the one that isn't my favorite or even Duo's favorite. Nothing bad with happen to either you or Killashandra, I promise."
Shingam seemed to think on that idea for a moment before he stole a quick glance at Heero and then answered very softly. "I liked the." He paused to look at Duo. "The Chocolate Chip kind."
Suddenly his body tensed as if waiting for a blow to come from any direction, and Quatre watched as Killashandra tensed with him. His heart lurched, and his empathic abilities quickly picked up on the fear coming from both children.
But while the other pilots were not empathic, that did not mean they weren't aware. Duo had Shingam in his arms almost the moment Quatre had felt the fear. "Hey, Shingam, it's ok. Don't sweat it! Ya know what? Chocolate Chip is Trowa's favorite, too. Yep, it's his absolute favorite, and I hear that Quatre makes pretty good use of that knowledge." Quatre ran his hand through his hair in frustration and a small amount of relief. "Hey, Q, I'm just telling the kid what I know, that's all."
"Duo!"
The maniac only gave a wider smile and offered a quick wink. "See Shingam, it's no problem. In fact, this is great. See, the next time we go to the store to buy ice cream, we'll only have to buy one kind of ice cream-- Chocolate Chip. You've actually made shopping a whole lot easier. Isn't that right, Quatre?"
He sensed the lead in when it was thrown to him. "Yep, a lot easier. But what about Killashandra--which type of ice cream did she like best?"
With less apprehension and fear than before, Shingam turned to look at his companion. "She liked the green kind. I don't remember what it's called."
Duo answered for him. "Chocolate Chip Mint. Hey, did you know that that's Heero's favorite kind? Yep, that's definitely one of his favorite things to lick, especially when it's on -"
"DUO!"
Duo laughed. "An ice cream cone. Yeah, see--you kids haven't had one of those yet. Just wait until we get you both to the ice cream parlor off base. You're gonna love it. Thirty-two different flavors! I heard once it had only thirty-one, but I guess someone didn't think that was enough choices. But listen, I gotta tell ya, I've been there thousands of times, and I still haven't tried every flavor. Why they don't just offer ten, I'll never know."
Quatre just shook his head and glanced at Trowa. His partner sat quietly, watching the antics going on before him. Leaning over, Quatre whispered, "I kind of like that they have thirty-two different flavors; it adds variety."
Trowa chuckled. "I don't know why you need variety, Beloved you always get the same kind--Chocolate Chip."
Quatre felt his face flush instantly and watched in amusement as Trowa leaned back and roared heartily. He chuckled along but tried his best to keep his movements from jarring his arm further. Even so, the small amount of movement caused black spots to appear in his vision. He took a deep breath under the guise of prolonged laughter and offered a smile he was sure looked more like a grimace to his partner.
"I could always get something else."
Trowa shook his head. "Why, I like that one the best."
Quatre shook his head and hid behind the fall of his bangs, praying for the waves of pain to wash away. When he looked up again, Killashandra was watching him. Worried, he reached out a hand to brush a piece of errant hair from her face; she did not lean into the touch.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sally watching, Corinne-who must have come in earlier-whispering to her about something. He turned just in time to see Lady move over to the make shift kitchenette that sat, mostly unused, in the corner of the room. Turning to make his intentions known to Trowa, he moved to follow her.
At the counter he watched her pull out a brand new pot. "Sally informed me the children will need to be on a near liquid diet for some time. I thought chicken soup would be adequate, not to mention warm them up for bed." Lady smiled kindly at Quatre.
"I thought you wanted to question the children before they slept." He'd worried over that very idea, nervous that the children would not respond well to the interrogation.
"I wanted to, the sooner we get the information, the sooner we can figure out what those terrorists were doing with them. However, Corinne doesn't think they'll respond well so soon. She seems to think they'll only become even more unresponsive if we try to question them now. In the light of that new information, I've decided to postpone the questions until she thinks they're ready. She seems to think it will be a few days."
Quatre nodded, relieved that the children would have some time to adjust to their new surroundings before being questioned about their past. He knew from watching them that they weren't ready to relive their lives up to this point just yet. Not to mention he wasn't sure if he could have lasted through the interrogation without another hit. It was becoming hard to simply move his body at all.
Pushing the thought again to the back of his mind, he looked to Lady and raised a questioning and humorous eyebrow as she opened a can of soup. Lady caught the look.
"Please, Quatre, I was one of the world's most amazing generals, not to mention assassin and personal assistant to Treize; when in the world did I have time to learn to cook properly?"
They shared a laugh before she began the process of heating up the soup. "I always wondered why Marieminna wanted to come to our apartment for dinner."
She gave him a disgruntled look. "Don't push me, boy."
He simply laughed and offered to stir. Behind him, Quatre heard Duo make another outrageous innuendo and thanked Allah that the children were too young to catch the meanings behind them. His best friend really was a piece of work. He tuned into the conversation just in time to hear Shingam say he didn't want any more ice cream, and neither did Killashandra.
Thankfully, the soup was properly heated, and Lady poured it all into two equal bowls. Heero came over and took one, leaving the other for Quatre. Taking it in his good hand and wincing at the shift in weight, Quatre carried it over to the chair he'd vacated not ten minutes before. Killashandra's eyes stared blankly at him.
Offering her yet another smile, he turned to Shingam. "This is Chicken Noodle Soup. It's very good for you. Once you finish, we'll put you both to bed. Sound good?"
Shingam looked to Killashandra and then nodded his head.
Again, he and Duo set about the task of feeding both children, but again, Killashandra refused to eat. It was made even more confusing, when Shingam didn't hesitate, but ate greedily. Quatre found himself yet again concerned, and he looked to Trowa for some hope of an answer; but his lover only shook his head--he had none.
"Shingam, why won't Killashandra eat?"
The boy paused for a moment before locking his gaze with Quatre's. "Wait."
"But I thought-"
"Wait."
Sighing, he nodded his head and looked to Duo. The longhaired pilot nodded his head before continuing to feed the slight boy in front of him.
When there was nothing left in Shingam's bowl, he paused again, and then turned to look at Killashandra. Shingam nodded his head once, and then she immediately opened her mouth. From that moment on, it seemed Killashandra would finish every bite before he could load the spoon up with more for her. She almost seemed to eat like Duo.
Beside him, Trowa spoke to Shingam. "Shingam, why was Killashandra not allowed to eat before you'd finished? Were you testing to see if the food was bad?"
The boy shook his head.
"Then why?"
A look that seemed to say that they all should know why crossed the boy's face before he looked to Killashandra and answered the question. "I eat first, and whatever's left over, Killashandra gets to eat." The statement was matter-of-fact, as if it was the most logical choice anyone would have made. All the pilots could do was stare at him.
Shaking off the shock, Quatre turned his eyes to Killashandra, who sat on the table in front of him, her mouth open like a little bird; a very skinny and unhealthy little bird. It dawned on him then why she was the more malnourished of the two. With Shingam eating first, Killashandra would have been left with little to nothing to eat, especially if he was as malnourished as he so obviously was. When he looked over at Trowa, he knew his lover had come to the same conclusion. He lifted the spoon to Killashandra's waiting mouth.
"But." Duo's face was a mask of confusion. "Shingam, why do you need to eat first?"
Again the look crossed Shingam's face before he turned to watch Killashandra eat for a few moments, his expression softening as she continued to eat. When he spoke again, it was directed to the small child in front of Quatre. "Killa, you're doing really well. I'm proud of all the food you're eating. Good girl." She looked at him but continued to swallow the food the moment it passed her lips.
Shingam turned back to Duo after a moment and answered his question. "Killa's my responsibility."
Quatre couldn't contain his question any longer. "Shingam, I don't understand."
"I do." Heero stepped forward, sitting on the edge of the table, very close to Shingam. The boy looked up at Heero with a mixture of awe and apprehension. Heero offered a rare smile to the child before continuing. "Shingam can't be expected to protect Killashandra or to take care of her if he isn't capable of it. So he eats first, confident in the fact that he'll at least have enough strength to take care of her. She eats what he can spare--enough to stay semi-strong. However, it's obvious they weren't fed enough, since Shingam would have needed Killashandra to stay as healthy as he could keep her. They both starved." The last sentence ended quietly as Heero-in a move few had ever seen him do-wrapped an arm around the child next to him, offering both comfort and protection. Shingam simply nodded his head.
Wanting nothing more than to rip the throats out of the scientists that ran the NEO project, Quatre handed the nearly half-empty bowl of soup to Trowa and got out of his chair. Moving to lean over and meet Shingam's eyes, he waited until he had the boy's full attention. Again, out of the corner of his eye, he saw that Killashandra had stopped eating and was watching them carefully.
"From now on," he began, "you don't ever have to worry about being hungry again. That's my promise to you both." He turned to catch Killa's eye. "From this day on, for the rest of your lives, you will never know what it means to be hungry or cold. You'll never want for anything. Clothes, food, shelter, warmth, home, family, from this moment on, you both will have them. You called to me, and I came for you both just as your Mother said I would; and now that you're both with me, I swear I'll never let anything happen to you. For the rest of your lives you'll be safe. I promise. I swear it in the name of Allah." He touched Shingam's stunned face, leaning over to lightly touch his lips to the child's forehead. Pulling back he caught an approving look from Heero.
"You," Shingam stopped, almost afraid to continue. "We.we don't have to be hungry any-anymore?"
Tears gathered in his eyes as he shook his head. "Never again, Shingam; never again." In the back of his mind he realized that food was most likely the control that had been imposed on the both of them among others. He felt a blinding fury race through him, before he got a grip on himself. By then, Trowa was again speaking to Shingam.
"Are you still hungry, Shingam?"
The boy looked up to Heero before looking to Duo. The braided pilot offered a reassuring smile and quick nod before Shingam looked to Trowa and offered the slightest and most hesitant nod of his head.
Trowa smiled at him before standing and moving to the kitchenette; Duo followed.
Scooting his chair over, Quatre began alternating spoonfuls of cooling soup to both children. He noticed both seemed to eat much slower now; as if they didn't feel the need to eat before someone came and took it all away. Heero remained where he was, Shingam still tucked safely in the crook of his arm.
Nearly a half-hour later, both children had consumed three more bowls of soup. When Killashandra stopped opening her mouth for more, Shingam soon followed suit.
But the constant shifting of his body to feed one child and then the other had taken its toll on Quatre. His body nearly shook with pain and the spots that jumped before his eyes seemed to grow larger by the second. Sound seemed muffled, and he knew something was not right but he refused to answer his body's call to rest; now was not the time.
When Duo took the final bowl from him, he leaned back, resting his arm in his lap and briefly closing his eyes against the pain. He mentally thanked Corinne for teaching him how to block certain things from going through the link; the last thing he need was to have Trowa worried about him.
Opening his eyes, he saw both Killashandra and Shingam staring at him. Concerned, he questioned Shingam. "Is everything ok?"
Duo returned to his seat before Shingam answered. "We thought you said we could trust your friends."
Stunned by the question, Quatre glanced at Heero before answering. "Of course you can. Why did you think you can't?"
Shingam looked to Killashandra, and then turned back to him. "Why should we trust them, if you don't even trust them?"
Again bewildered, Quatre shook his head at the seemingly illogical question. "I trust them, Shingam. Why do you think I don't?"
Shingam cocked his head and then looked from Trowa to him. "Trowa kissed you." Not following him, Quatre nodded for him to continue.
"He's important to you?"
"Yes. But I trust Trowa. He's my family."
"Then why won't you tell him?"
"Tell him what, Shingam?"
"If you trust him, why won't you tell him you're injured and in a lot of pain? Are you afraid he'll hurt you if he knows you're weak?"
The question slammed into him like a punch. The fact that Shingam knew of his pain was one amazing thing, but to question if Trowa would hurt him when he was weak; wasn't that something they'd just dealt with? How was it this little boy could seem so very much like him?
Before he could answer or question Shingam, Trowa was at his side, with Duo and Heero looking concerned. "Quatre, are you alright?" The concern was evident in Trowa's voice, and Quatre felt both guilt at not telling Trowa and mild anger at being discovered; now was not the time to be worrying about him.
He turned away from Trowa without answering, while at the same time closing the link completely. He saw Trowa's hurt expression as his gaze shifted back to Shingam; he also noticed Corinne move quickly towards the table. He ignored them in favor of Shingam and his unanswered questions.
"How did you know I was in pain?"
Confused for a moment, Shingam looked to Heero before answering Quatre. "Bandages; slight limp on the opposite side of injury; noted tension in back and shoulder muscles; guarding the arm from casual contact; stress and fatigue marks around eyes; slight sweat; and I saw you wince." The boy shrugged in Heero's arms as if it was the most natural way of looking at something. "If you trust them, why didn't you tell them?"
Shaking his head, Quatre tried to explain not only to Shingam, but also his lover. "It's not that I don't trust them, Shingam. I do. But right now, the most important thing is making sure that you and Killashandra are alright. Nothing else is more important. You called to me, begged me to come and help you, and that's what I'm going to do; that's the most important thing right now. My arm, my pain, it doesn't matter. Killashandra is your responsibility, but both of you are mine. Do you understand?"
Next to him, he felt Trowa stand and move away from him. He swallowed hard, angry with himself for being discovered before he could explain to Trowa and sad that his lover was hurting because of him. But Shingam was nodding his head before him, indicating that he understood.
"Your pain isn't important when you have to take care of someone else."
Images of the horrible beatings Quatre had been forced to watch Shingam go through raced across his mind's eye. He decided against bringing that point up with the boy just yet.
He turned to Killashandra, expecting to find her watching him again but instead found her tracking Trowa's movements. Quatre turned in his seat to look at Trowa.
A blank expression stood stone cold on beautiful Latino features, and Quatre could almost feel the rage boiling inside Trowa. His lover rarely got angry with him. Even during the past few months of his recovery, Trowa had remained calm and for the most part, collected. With all of his available strength, he tried to make Trowa understand.
"Trowa, I was going to tell you."
"WHEN!?" The shout was unexpected, and Quatre couldn't help the defensive posture he took as he rose to stand in front of the children.
"I wanted to wait until Shingam and Killashandra were in bed. I knew it was going to be bad, that I was going to need a stronger dose than the last one. You saw what happened after the last injection, I was out for nearly an hour. I couldn't afford to be away from them for that long-"
"So you'll risk your health instead! You'll risk more pain than you've already endured?!" Trowa's eyes danced with danger, and Quatre watched as Duo stood from his chair, his stance defensive and flighty.
But Quatre stood his ground, hoping to calm his beloved quickly. "It's only pain Trowa, not agony. It'll pass." He regretted the words the moment they were past his lips. Trowa's entire body tensed even further, and he took a step towards Quatre before stopping and taking a step back.
Turning away from him, Trowa addressed Heero and Duo. "Will the two of you take Shingam and Killashandra to our rooms? The spare has been prepared for them already. Quatre and I will follow shortly."
A wave of intense fear crashed into Quatre, and he spoke before he'd really had time to think it through. "No."
Trowa spun then, cold fire burning in his eyes. "Quatre."
"No. I'm not leaving them, Trowa. I won't let you separate them from me. I'll take Killashandra to our room, and then when she and Shingam have settled in, I'll take the injection and this will be done."
"Quatre!" A thinly veiled rage vibrated through Trowa's normally unemotional voice.
"Don't try and stop me, Trowa!"
He turned to gather Killashandra up, but her look gave him pause. She wasn't looking at him, but rather Trowa--not a look of fear, but pity shone in her usually vacant eyes. The pause was enough time for Duo to intervene.
"Quatre," he looked to his best friend. "If Shingam's right, and your arm's that messed up, you shouldn't be lifting a soup spoon, let alone a little girl."
"Duo I'm fine. I-"
"What if your arm gives out, Quatre? What if you can't support her weight?"
He stopped, the idea never having crossed his mind. In quiet thought he looked at Killashandra and then at his injured arm. Regret crashed where anger had once been. He shook his head to clear it of his own stupidity before turning to look at Duo and nodding his head.
Wasting no time, Duo lifted Killashandra into his arms and carried her towards the door, Heero with Shingam close behind him.
Not prepared to leave the children with Duo and Heero just yet, Quatre made to follow them, only to have Trowa call his name. How could he explain his reasoning to Trowa? The rage he felt at not being able to protect his family? Instead he turned to Trowa and said, "I'm going with them. Are you coming?"
He saw the defeat enter Trowa's eyes and body before the young man nodded his head.
In the hallway, Quatre walked behind Heero, with Trowa and Corinne a descrete distance behind him. He'd never felt so guilty in his entire life. Of course Trowa was worried about him; it hadn't even been a full month since he'd been freed from his past; how could he expect Trowa to blindly trust that he could take care of himself? He had to make Trowa understand his reasoning--had to make him understand that he'd only been trying to protect the children. That it had nothing to do with him not trusting Trowa or even slipping back into his old pattern of protecting everyone except himself. The children were important--important to him! He had to make Trowa understand that he couldn't just abandon them.
Taking a deep breath, he halted in his tracks and waited for Trowa to catch up with him; Corinne and the other two women continued on. Then they fell in line together, neither saying anything for a long awkward moment before Quatre broke the silence.
"I really was going to tell you, Trowa."
"You should have told me from the beginning. I'm inclined to think Shingam may have been right."
Suddenly, Quatre realized his error. It was too soon after such a major change in their lives, and now that he thought on it, it had been about the same length of time that his first "relapse" had occurred. Trowa was scared he was about to fall apart again.
Stopping, he grabbed onto Trowa's arm and turned him to face him. There in Trowa's eyes, Quatre saw the truth of his thoughts, and the word regret seemed like too insignificant a word to describe his feelings.
He pulled Trowa to him, wrapping his good arm around his beloved's neck. Holding him impossibly close he spoke softly and clearly, hoping to get his point across and dispel Trowa's fears.
"I am not falling apart, Trowa. I trust you more than the world, and you have to believe me when I say I was going to tell you. I know you worry about me all the time, afraid I'll slip again. But I'm not going to, Trowa. I know who my family is; I know whom I have to protect and who has to protect me. But these children are important to me. In ways I can't even describe to you. I don't even understand it myself sometimes. They've become a part of my family, and I will do anything to protect them, just as I'd do anything to protect you. But unlike you and I, they're only children, and they can't protect themselves or anyone else. They need me, Trowa. They need both of us. Please try to understand. It's as if they're my own children, and maybe the fact that I may never have my own makes me want to think that way, but it doesn't matter. I do. I have to protect them. But it's my trust in you-that you'll help me later when they're safe-that keeps me able to protect them. I knew you'd be angry with me for not telling you sooner, but I thought you'd understand why I had to do it. Please tell me you understand?" He pulled away, wanting to look into Trowa's eyes, wanting to see the answer as it was given.
But Trowa's eyes were silent, giving away little of their owner's true feelings on the matter. With the link closed, Quatre had to rely on word alone. Trowa supplied.
"I understand that the children cannot protect themselves, and that they seem to look to you for that protection. And I also understand that you feel connected to them. I knew it was only a matter of time before you placed yourself into a parental role with them. But, Quatre, you cannot do this to yourself, and you cannot do it to me! You can't expect me to piece you back together after you destroy yourself helping these children. I'd do anything for you, you know that, but don't ask me to nurse you back to health because you were being too proud or stupid to seek help when you really needed it. I know being with the children is important to you; we could have given you a lower dose, something to at least dull the pain until we had you home. Please tell me you at least can see that."
Quatre nodded his head. "I considered that, Trowa, I did. But you have to admit, when you think I'm over stepping myself, you tend to get over protective. I was worried you'd say the dose was lower, only to give me the whole thing. It is something you've been known to do."
With reluctance Trowa agreed. "Perhaps, but under these circumstances, it's unlikely. I do see how important they are to you. But just as you said, they may be your responsibility, but you are mine; and I'll do whatever it takes to keep you safe."
"I know that, Trowa; and it's one of the reasons I'm so in love with you. No matter what stupid idea I come up with, you're always there to ground me again. But this isn't some flight of fancy. You and the children are the most important things in my life and I'll do whatever it takes to protect you--all three of you. Even if that means sacrificing my own health-"
"Then you must realize, too, that you are the most important thing to me, and I refuse to allow anymore harm to come to you!" Trowa's voice was angry again. "You can't take care of the children if you're hurt, you know that. Duo even pointed that out to you. Can you not see that?" Desperation entered Trowa's voice, and Quatre cringed as he remembered hearing that same tone in their bathroom--Trowa desperately trying to reason with him through the glass of the shower.
"I do see and understand. Sometimes I try too hard to overstep my own abilities. I consider myself the weakest of all five of us, and it's hard for me not to try and prove myself, to myself. I'll try to take better care and keep you from having to worry about me. I know you must be tired of that-"
"I'm not tired of loving you, Quatre. Only exhausted by trying to make you realize that fact." And it was true. Quatre could see the exhaustion lines chasing across Trowa's lovely face. He wondered if they'd be there forever.
"I'm sorry, Trowa. I've asked more from you than any lover has a right to. It's obvious that our relationship tends to be one sided every now and again. I want that to end, though. We've worked so hard to become real partners together, and I don't want that to end because of something as stupid as an injured arm. I promise to let you know if I'm in pain or any other type of trouble if you promise to stop being so over protective." He said the last part with a smile on his face but knew in his heart neither one of them took it as a joke. In the middle of a hallway, halfway to their room, a very important decision was being made. One that would influence the rest of their lives.
Trowa shook his head back and forth. "You've changed, Quatre. You're not the same person as you were before." It was said in a whisper, as if Trowa was talking to himself, and Quatre was just overhearing. Then Trowa lifted his head and nodded once to him. "I'll try."
That was it, but Quatre felt a sudden chill that the matter was not completely resolved. That and Trowa's quietly spoken words haunted his mind. Pushing the doubt away, Quatre took Trowa's hand into his own and began to move towards their room. "I'm glad we talked. I think we needed to get that cleared away. I'll tell you what--once we get in, I'll take a small hit and tuck the children in; then I'll take the rest of the dose, and we'll go to bed and won't wake up until noon. Sound good?"
He watched Trowa nod silently before he keyed in the lock pass to their door and stepped inside.
Things were going to be ok; they had to be.
"IT'S DISGUSTING!"
"It's perfectly healthy and better for them than chocolate!"
"CHANG!"
"MAXWELL!"
"BOTH OF YOU STOP IT!!!" Heero took a deep breath to calm himself. "Now, both of you shut up. Duo, put Shingam down. Wufei, help me open these containers. And Duo," he paused until he had his lover's attention, "peanut butter ice cream is not disgusting."
"I told you, Maxwell."
"Shut up!"
Quatre chuckled at the antics of his friends. Beside him, Trowa gently placed Killashandra on her feet so she was standing on the table in the middle of their private dining room. He smiled at her before running his hand lightly over her hair; she again leaned into the touch.
Quatre smiled once more to Trowa and then moved to collect two bowls for the ice cream. Once he had them in hand, he turned just in time to see Sally and Lady enter; they opted to sit discretely out of the way. He nodded in their direction before returning to Trowa's side.
As he set the bowls down, his injured arm brushed lightly against the edge of the table, and it was all he could do to keep from crying out. He'd noticed the pain return not long after helping Killashandra into her dress but he'd opted to ignore it. There were more important things to be done. The last dose of morphine Trowa had given him had been hours ago, and now the pain was returning full force.
Opening his eyes, he noticed Killashandra watching him and knew immediately, he had to be strong; she and Shingam were more important than his stupid arm. He tried to figure out how these two strange and mysterious children had become such an important and integral part of his life in only a matter of a few days. But in reality, it was much longer than that; these children had been a part of him since they'd first started calling for his help--and something told him, even longer than that.
Suddenly, he felt his chin lifted and a pair of warm, soft lips meet his own. When Trowa pulled away, Quatre was almost breathless. "I thought you could use that." Trowa offered a devilish smile before taking the bowls from his still stunned hands.
Guilt suffused Quatre as he considered telling Trowa about his arm. He knew his lover would not appreciate his silence but also knew that Trowa would insist on another dose of medication. It would take nearly an hour for the medicine to wear off enough for him to function again, and he simply didn't have time for that.
Taking a deep breath and willing away the ache in his arm, Quatre pulled a chair from the table and sat, urging Killashandra to sit on the top of the table. After a little coaxing, she did; Shingam came to sit beside her. He noticed that Killashandra had not looked away from him, not even when Shingam had come to sit next to her; he decided to say nothing.
A moment later, Duo was beside him, eye level with Shingam. "Ok, kiddo, what kind of ice cream do you want to try first?"
A slight panic seemed to steal over the boy before he turned to look at Heero. Then just as quickly as the look had appeared, Shingam turned back to Duo and said, "The white kind."
"What! You mean Vanilla? Kid, you gotta learn to live a little. But ok, if that's what you want, fine. Vanilla it is--coming right up. Tro, be so kind as to assist me in the scooping process. Ahh, there's a good man."
Quatre laughed softly as Trowa bowed at the waist in response to Duo's request before winking at him and reaching for the container with the Vanilla. There was a little tiff, however, as Duo used his hip to push Trowa away from the ice cream scoop before Trowa retaliated and simply stole the dish Duo had been scooping into. He watched as Shingam smiled and even Killashandra turned to look before returning her gaze to his face.
"They're pretty crazy, aren't they, Shingam?"
The boy turned to look at him before nodding, "Yes."
"Crazy, hmm?" Trowa looked down at him, a teasing smile on his face. Quatre only wished his arm didn't hurt so much, so he could enjoy it.
"Well, you know, crazy in a loose sense of the word. Not really 'crazy', crazy."
"Hn."
Handing him the bowl and spoon, Trowa took the chair beside him. Smiling against the pain that was rapidly becoming more apparent, Quatre used his good hand to load the spoon before lifting it to Killashandra's mouth. But the child refused to open.
"Killashandra, it's ok. It's just ice cream. It won't hurt you." But the little girl refused, only looking into Quatre's eyes, making him witness her silence like a blow.
"Quatre." Startled, he turned to look at Shingam. "Wait."
A command, not a request. He turned to look at Duo who'd taken the seat in front of Shingam before turning back to Shingam and nodding his head.
The boy quickly looked away and took the bowl of ice cream from Duo's hands. He lifted the bowl and looked accusingly at the white substance inside. Turning the bowl, he seemed to be looking for something. Lifting it to his nose, he smelled it before handing it back to Duo.
"You taste it first."
Quatre's heart broke at the complete lack of trust this little boy had in all of them. He wanted to reach across the foot that separated them and take Shingam into his arms, promise his eternal safety, and never let him go. Quatre watched as the same emotions flitted across the face of the man that had once called himself Death.
Offering a weak smile and a nod, Duo set the bowl on the table and lifted the spoon, taking a bite of the ice cream. Then in a very Duo-like fashion, caused a scene.
"AAAKKCCKKKK!" Grabbing at his throat, Duo dropped the spoon and threw his head back. Suddenly, he lurched forward and into Shingam's line of sight. Mouth hanging open, tongue sticking out, Duo rolled his eyes into the back of his head and let out a loud gasping breath.
In front of him, Shingam's eyes had become huge, attesting to his fear. Yet the boy remained where he was, not moving a muscle.
Then Duo started to convulse. Shaking his entire body in the chair before suddenly stopping dead and slacking lifelessly in his chair.
The last movement of Duo's body acted like a release for Shingam, who jumped up and screamed. "Quatre!" There was a note of pure terror in the boy's voice, and if Duo's antics hadn't happened so quickly, he would have stopped him immediately.
Just as he was reaching out for Shingam, Duo suddenly sat up and grabbed the boy into his arms, swinging him around until he could lean up against the table's edge.
Eyes wider than the sun, Shingam stared at Duo, too frightened and stunned to say anything or even move. But Duo only planted a loud kiss on the boy's forehead and said, "Didn't I already tell you I hated Vanilla ice cream? I don't know how you and Heero can stand the stuff!"
"Duo what the Hell were you thinking?!" Heero's outraged voice sang across the silent room.
Duo visibly winced under Heero's angry tone. "Gee, I was just playing around. Shingam knew I was just joking, didn't you?" But when Duo looked into Shingam's eyes, he knew immediately he'd made a grave error. In his arms, the boy visibly shook, a haunted look cemented on his face. "Oh, God. Shingam, are you ok? Look, I'm fine. Everything's ok. I was only playing with you; it was just a joke. Look, I'm ok; and the ice cream wasn't poisoned or anything. It was just a joke. Oh, God, kiddo, I'm so sorry." Duo held the boy close, wrapping his arms completely around Shingam's shaking body.
Quatre was about to lay into Duo when Heero did it for him. "Duo, let go of him."
"Heero, I was only-"
"NOW!"
Taking the little trembling boy from Duo's reluctant grasp, Heero swung the boy into his own arms and held him close. Lightly he ran his hand over the rich sable hair and talked to him quietly. "Don't be afraid, Shingam, Duo was only being a baka-idiot. He didn't mean to scare you, but that doesn't make it right, either. Look, he's fine, just being stupid." And Shingam did, lifting his face from Heero's neck. Shingam looked over at Duo before pulling away and looking at Heero in question. "He was only being a baka. He's fine, and the ice cream is fine, too. We won't hurt you. That's why your mother told you Quatre would come and save you. She knew we wouldn't let anything happen to you. You'll be safe here always."
Shingam looked down and then glanced at Duo's remorseful face before turning to Killashandra. They looked at each other for a moment before Shingam nodded once and then looked back at Heero. "Duo's still alive." Heero nodded to the statement. "The ice cream isn't poisoned." Again, Heero nodded. "He was only being a baka."
A slight grin slipped past Heero's stoic face before he nodded. "Duo no baka." Shingam seemed to think this over for a moment before nodding his head and looking back at Duo. "Can we have some ice cream now?"
Relief washed over Duo's face as he nodded his head and reached for the bowl. Heero shook his head before setting Shingam next to Killashandra once more. The two children looked at each other again and remained that way until Duo handed the bowl to Shingam.
Duo asked, "You don't want me to taste it again, now do you?"
Heero was about to say something--as was Quatre--when Shingam looked to Duo and offered a slight smile. Handing the unexamined bowl back to Duo, he looked from the bowl to Duo and then opened his mouth. Smiling, Duo scooped the white confection onto the spoon and delivered it to Shingam's waiting mouth.
The boy seemed to pause for a moment before he slowly began to work the melting ice cream around. Finally, when there was nothing left, he looked from Duo to Quatre and then to Heero before looking to the bowl and opening his mouth again. Duo was more than happy to supply the goods.
A little while later, the bowl was empty, and Duo was tipping it over to express that point to the disappointed eyes of one little boy. But Shingam only paused before looking over at Killashandra and then Quatre. "You can feed her now."
Concerned by Shingam's power over Killashandra but willing to go along for now, Quatre lifted the spoon and brought it slowly to Killashandra's lips. When they didn't open, he looked into her eyes and paused. Vacant windows stood before him, tempting him to step into the void and be lost. There was something powerful-and deadly-about this little girl. The meaning of her name, "Killer of minds," brought him back to the task at hand. Then her mouth lay open, waiting for the proffered treat.
Not long later, the bowl was finished, and Quatre smiled lovingly at Killashandra. "Did you like it?" He looked to Shingam for a response.
The boy seemed a moment off guard before he looked to Killa, nodded, and then replied. "We liked it."
Quatre chuckled, ignoring the pain the jarring had caused in his arm. "Want some more?"
This time Shingam didn't have to look at Killa he only nodded his head. "Yes."
"I'll get it." Trowa stood and took both of the bowls. He returned a few moments later, simple chocolate in his hands.
Quatre was about to wait for Duo to finish feeding Shingam, when the boy shook his head. "You can give her the ice cream now." Taking the permission for what it was worth, Quatre followed Duo's lead and emptied the bowl in no time.
Two bowls of Chocolate Chip and Chocolate Chip Mint later, Quatre paused to ask a question. "Ok, Shingam, you've had four different kinds of ice cream now. Which one did you like the best?"
Shingam paused for a moment, looking at the empty bowl and then back at Quatre, a dark expression crossing his small face. "What happens if I choose wrong?"
Confusion crossed the faces of the pilots before Quatre answered. "There isn't a wrong answer. I just wanted to know which one you liked the best."
"If I answer wrong, what happens?" His voice was cold, a note of mistrust weighing in it.
"Nothing." And then Quatre understood. Like lighting crashing into his senses, he knew why Shingam was in such a panic. "Shingam." The boy looked at him. "There isn't a wrong answer. You can pick any of the flavors you've tried. Nothing will happen if you pick the one that isn't my favorite or even Duo's favorite. Nothing bad with happen to either you or Killashandra, I promise."
Shingam seemed to think on that idea for a moment before he stole a quick glance at Heero and then answered very softly. "I liked the." He paused to look at Duo. "The Chocolate Chip kind."
Suddenly his body tensed as if waiting for a blow to come from any direction, and Quatre watched as Killashandra tensed with him. His heart lurched, and his empathic abilities quickly picked up on the fear coming from both children.
But while the other pilots were not empathic, that did not mean they weren't aware. Duo had Shingam in his arms almost the moment Quatre had felt the fear. "Hey, Shingam, it's ok. Don't sweat it! Ya know what? Chocolate Chip is Trowa's favorite, too. Yep, it's his absolute favorite, and I hear that Quatre makes pretty good use of that knowledge." Quatre ran his hand through his hair in frustration and a small amount of relief. "Hey, Q, I'm just telling the kid what I know, that's all."
"Duo!"
The maniac only gave a wider smile and offered a quick wink. "See Shingam, it's no problem. In fact, this is great. See, the next time we go to the store to buy ice cream, we'll only have to buy one kind of ice cream-- Chocolate Chip. You've actually made shopping a whole lot easier. Isn't that right, Quatre?"
He sensed the lead in when it was thrown to him. "Yep, a lot easier. But what about Killashandra--which type of ice cream did she like best?"
With less apprehension and fear than before, Shingam turned to look at his companion. "She liked the green kind. I don't remember what it's called."
Duo answered for him. "Chocolate Chip Mint. Hey, did you know that that's Heero's favorite kind? Yep, that's definitely one of his favorite things to lick, especially when it's on -"
"DUO!"
Duo laughed. "An ice cream cone. Yeah, see--you kids haven't had one of those yet. Just wait until we get you both to the ice cream parlor off base. You're gonna love it. Thirty-two different flavors! I heard once it had only thirty-one, but I guess someone didn't think that was enough choices. But listen, I gotta tell ya, I've been there thousands of times, and I still haven't tried every flavor. Why they don't just offer ten, I'll never know."
Quatre just shook his head and glanced at Trowa. His partner sat quietly, watching the antics going on before him. Leaning over, Quatre whispered, "I kind of like that they have thirty-two different flavors; it adds variety."
Trowa chuckled. "I don't know why you need variety, Beloved you always get the same kind--Chocolate Chip."
Quatre felt his face flush instantly and watched in amusement as Trowa leaned back and roared heartily. He chuckled along but tried his best to keep his movements from jarring his arm further. Even so, the small amount of movement caused black spots to appear in his vision. He took a deep breath under the guise of prolonged laughter and offered a smile he was sure looked more like a grimace to his partner.
"I could always get something else."
Trowa shook his head. "Why, I like that one the best."
Quatre shook his head and hid behind the fall of his bangs, praying for the waves of pain to wash away. When he looked up again, Killashandra was watching him. Worried, he reached out a hand to brush a piece of errant hair from her face; she did not lean into the touch.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sally watching, Corinne-who must have come in earlier-whispering to her about something. He turned just in time to see Lady move over to the make shift kitchenette that sat, mostly unused, in the corner of the room. Turning to make his intentions known to Trowa, he moved to follow her.
At the counter he watched her pull out a brand new pot. "Sally informed me the children will need to be on a near liquid diet for some time. I thought chicken soup would be adequate, not to mention warm them up for bed." Lady smiled kindly at Quatre.
"I thought you wanted to question the children before they slept." He'd worried over that very idea, nervous that the children would not respond well to the interrogation.
"I wanted to, the sooner we get the information, the sooner we can figure out what those terrorists were doing with them. However, Corinne doesn't think they'll respond well so soon. She seems to think they'll only become even more unresponsive if we try to question them now. In the light of that new information, I've decided to postpone the questions until she thinks they're ready. She seems to think it will be a few days."
Quatre nodded, relieved that the children would have some time to adjust to their new surroundings before being questioned about their past. He knew from watching them that they weren't ready to relive their lives up to this point just yet. Not to mention he wasn't sure if he could have lasted through the interrogation without another hit. It was becoming hard to simply move his body at all.
Pushing the thought again to the back of his mind, he looked to Lady and raised a questioning and humorous eyebrow as she opened a can of soup. Lady caught the look.
"Please, Quatre, I was one of the world's most amazing generals, not to mention assassin and personal assistant to Treize; when in the world did I have time to learn to cook properly?"
They shared a laugh before she began the process of heating up the soup. "I always wondered why Marieminna wanted to come to our apartment for dinner."
She gave him a disgruntled look. "Don't push me, boy."
He simply laughed and offered to stir. Behind him, Quatre heard Duo make another outrageous innuendo and thanked Allah that the children were too young to catch the meanings behind them. His best friend really was a piece of work. He tuned into the conversation just in time to hear Shingam say he didn't want any more ice cream, and neither did Killashandra.
Thankfully, the soup was properly heated, and Lady poured it all into two equal bowls. Heero came over and took one, leaving the other for Quatre. Taking it in his good hand and wincing at the shift in weight, Quatre carried it over to the chair he'd vacated not ten minutes before. Killashandra's eyes stared blankly at him.
Offering her yet another smile, he turned to Shingam. "This is Chicken Noodle Soup. It's very good for you. Once you finish, we'll put you both to bed. Sound good?"
Shingam looked to Killashandra and then nodded his head.
Again, he and Duo set about the task of feeding both children, but again, Killashandra refused to eat. It was made even more confusing, when Shingam didn't hesitate, but ate greedily. Quatre found himself yet again concerned, and he looked to Trowa for some hope of an answer; but his lover only shook his head--he had none.
"Shingam, why won't Killashandra eat?"
The boy paused for a moment before locking his gaze with Quatre's. "Wait."
"But I thought-"
"Wait."
Sighing, he nodded his head and looked to Duo. The longhaired pilot nodded his head before continuing to feed the slight boy in front of him.
When there was nothing left in Shingam's bowl, he paused again, and then turned to look at Killashandra. Shingam nodded his head once, and then she immediately opened her mouth. From that moment on, it seemed Killashandra would finish every bite before he could load the spoon up with more for her. She almost seemed to eat like Duo.
Beside him, Trowa spoke to Shingam. "Shingam, why was Killashandra not allowed to eat before you'd finished? Were you testing to see if the food was bad?"
The boy shook his head.
"Then why?"
A look that seemed to say that they all should know why crossed the boy's face before he looked to Killashandra and answered the question. "I eat first, and whatever's left over, Killashandra gets to eat." The statement was matter-of-fact, as if it was the most logical choice anyone would have made. All the pilots could do was stare at him.
Shaking off the shock, Quatre turned his eyes to Killashandra, who sat on the table in front of him, her mouth open like a little bird; a very skinny and unhealthy little bird. It dawned on him then why she was the more malnourished of the two. With Shingam eating first, Killashandra would have been left with little to nothing to eat, especially if he was as malnourished as he so obviously was. When he looked over at Trowa, he knew his lover had come to the same conclusion. He lifted the spoon to Killashandra's waiting mouth.
"But." Duo's face was a mask of confusion. "Shingam, why do you need to eat first?"
Again the look crossed Shingam's face before he turned to watch Killashandra eat for a few moments, his expression softening as she continued to eat. When he spoke again, it was directed to the small child in front of Quatre. "Killa, you're doing really well. I'm proud of all the food you're eating. Good girl." She looked at him but continued to swallow the food the moment it passed her lips.
Shingam turned back to Duo after a moment and answered his question. "Killa's my responsibility."
Quatre couldn't contain his question any longer. "Shingam, I don't understand."
"I do." Heero stepped forward, sitting on the edge of the table, very close to Shingam. The boy looked up at Heero with a mixture of awe and apprehension. Heero offered a rare smile to the child before continuing. "Shingam can't be expected to protect Killashandra or to take care of her if he isn't capable of it. So he eats first, confident in the fact that he'll at least have enough strength to take care of her. She eats what he can spare--enough to stay semi-strong. However, it's obvious they weren't fed enough, since Shingam would have needed Killashandra to stay as healthy as he could keep her. They both starved." The last sentence ended quietly as Heero-in a move few had ever seen him do-wrapped an arm around the child next to him, offering both comfort and protection. Shingam simply nodded his head.
Wanting nothing more than to rip the throats out of the scientists that ran the NEO project, Quatre handed the nearly half-empty bowl of soup to Trowa and got out of his chair. Moving to lean over and meet Shingam's eyes, he waited until he had the boy's full attention. Again, out of the corner of his eye, he saw that Killashandra had stopped eating and was watching them carefully.
"From now on," he began, "you don't ever have to worry about being hungry again. That's my promise to you both." He turned to catch Killa's eye. "From this day on, for the rest of your lives, you will never know what it means to be hungry or cold. You'll never want for anything. Clothes, food, shelter, warmth, home, family, from this moment on, you both will have them. You called to me, and I came for you both just as your Mother said I would; and now that you're both with me, I swear I'll never let anything happen to you. For the rest of your lives you'll be safe. I promise. I swear it in the name of Allah." He touched Shingam's stunned face, leaning over to lightly touch his lips to the child's forehead. Pulling back he caught an approving look from Heero.
"You," Shingam stopped, almost afraid to continue. "We.we don't have to be hungry any-anymore?"
Tears gathered in his eyes as he shook his head. "Never again, Shingam; never again." In the back of his mind he realized that food was most likely the control that had been imposed on the both of them among others. He felt a blinding fury race through him, before he got a grip on himself. By then, Trowa was again speaking to Shingam.
"Are you still hungry, Shingam?"
The boy looked up to Heero before looking to Duo. The braided pilot offered a reassuring smile and quick nod before Shingam looked to Trowa and offered the slightest and most hesitant nod of his head.
Trowa smiled at him before standing and moving to the kitchenette; Duo followed.
Scooting his chair over, Quatre began alternating spoonfuls of cooling soup to both children. He noticed both seemed to eat much slower now; as if they didn't feel the need to eat before someone came and took it all away. Heero remained where he was, Shingam still tucked safely in the crook of his arm.
Nearly a half-hour later, both children had consumed three more bowls of soup. When Killashandra stopped opening her mouth for more, Shingam soon followed suit.
But the constant shifting of his body to feed one child and then the other had taken its toll on Quatre. His body nearly shook with pain and the spots that jumped before his eyes seemed to grow larger by the second. Sound seemed muffled, and he knew something was not right but he refused to answer his body's call to rest; now was not the time.
When Duo took the final bowl from him, he leaned back, resting his arm in his lap and briefly closing his eyes against the pain. He mentally thanked Corinne for teaching him how to block certain things from going through the link; the last thing he need was to have Trowa worried about him.
Opening his eyes, he saw both Killashandra and Shingam staring at him. Concerned, he questioned Shingam. "Is everything ok?"
Duo returned to his seat before Shingam answered. "We thought you said we could trust your friends."
Stunned by the question, Quatre glanced at Heero before answering. "Of course you can. Why did you think you can't?"
Shingam looked to Killashandra, and then turned back to him. "Why should we trust them, if you don't even trust them?"
Again bewildered, Quatre shook his head at the seemingly illogical question. "I trust them, Shingam. Why do you think I don't?"
Shingam cocked his head and then looked from Trowa to him. "Trowa kissed you." Not following him, Quatre nodded for him to continue.
"He's important to you?"
"Yes. But I trust Trowa. He's my family."
"Then why won't you tell him?"
"Tell him what, Shingam?"
"If you trust him, why won't you tell him you're injured and in a lot of pain? Are you afraid he'll hurt you if he knows you're weak?"
The question slammed into him like a punch. The fact that Shingam knew of his pain was one amazing thing, but to question if Trowa would hurt him when he was weak; wasn't that something they'd just dealt with? How was it this little boy could seem so very much like him?
Before he could answer or question Shingam, Trowa was at his side, with Duo and Heero looking concerned. "Quatre, are you alright?" The concern was evident in Trowa's voice, and Quatre felt both guilt at not telling Trowa and mild anger at being discovered; now was not the time to be worrying about him.
He turned away from Trowa without answering, while at the same time closing the link completely. He saw Trowa's hurt expression as his gaze shifted back to Shingam; he also noticed Corinne move quickly towards the table. He ignored them in favor of Shingam and his unanswered questions.
"How did you know I was in pain?"
Confused for a moment, Shingam looked to Heero before answering Quatre. "Bandages; slight limp on the opposite side of injury; noted tension in back and shoulder muscles; guarding the arm from casual contact; stress and fatigue marks around eyes; slight sweat; and I saw you wince." The boy shrugged in Heero's arms as if it was the most natural way of looking at something. "If you trust them, why didn't you tell them?"
Shaking his head, Quatre tried to explain not only to Shingam, but also his lover. "It's not that I don't trust them, Shingam. I do. But right now, the most important thing is making sure that you and Killashandra are alright. Nothing else is more important. You called to me, begged me to come and help you, and that's what I'm going to do; that's the most important thing right now. My arm, my pain, it doesn't matter. Killashandra is your responsibility, but both of you are mine. Do you understand?"
Next to him, he felt Trowa stand and move away from him. He swallowed hard, angry with himself for being discovered before he could explain to Trowa and sad that his lover was hurting because of him. But Shingam was nodding his head before him, indicating that he understood.
"Your pain isn't important when you have to take care of someone else."
Images of the horrible beatings Quatre had been forced to watch Shingam go through raced across his mind's eye. He decided against bringing that point up with the boy just yet.
He turned to Killashandra, expecting to find her watching him again but instead found her tracking Trowa's movements. Quatre turned in his seat to look at Trowa.
A blank expression stood stone cold on beautiful Latino features, and Quatre could almost feel the rage boiling inside Trowa. His lover rarely got angry with him. Even during the past few months of his recovery, Trowa had remained calm and for the most part, collected. With all of his available strength, he tried to make Trowa understand.
"Trowa, I was going to tell you."
"WHEN!?" The shout was unexpected, and Quatre couldn't help the defensive posture he took as he rose to stand in front of the children.
"I wanted to wait until Shingam and Killashandra were in bed. I knew it was going to be bad, that I was going to need a stronger dose than the last one. You saw what happened after the last injection, I was out for nearly an hour. I couldn't afford to be away from them for that long-"
"So you'll risk your health instead! You'll risk more pain than you've already endured?!" Trowa's eyes danced with danger, and Quatre watched as Duo stood from his chair, his stance defensive and flighty.
But Quatre stood his ground, hoping to calm his beloved quickly. "It's only pain Trowa, not agony. It'll pass." He regretted the words the moment they were past his lips. Trowa's entire body tensed even further, and he took a step towards Quatre before stopping and taking a step back.
Turning away from him, Trowa addressed Heero and Duo. "Will the two of you take Shingam and Killashandra to our rooms? The spare has been prepared for them already. Quatre and I will follow shortly."
A wave of intense fear crashed into Quatre, and he spoke before he'd really had time to think it through. "No."
Trowa spun then, cold fire burning in his eyes. "Quatre."
"No. I'm not leaving them, Trowa. I won't let you separate them from me. I'll take Killashandra to our room, and then when she and Shingam have settled in, I'll take the injection and this will be done."
"Quatre!" A thinly veiled rage vibrated through Trowa's normally unemotional voice.
"Don't try and stop me, Trowa!"
He turned to gather Killashandra up, but her look gave him pause. She wasn't looking at him, but rather Trowa--not a look of fear, but pity shone in her usually vacant eyes. The pause was enough time for Duo to intervene.
"Quatre," he looked to his best friend. "If Shingam's right, and your arm's that messed up, you shouldn't be lifting a soup spoon, let alone a little girl."
"Duo I'm fine. I-"
"What if your arm gives out, Quatre? What if you can't support her weight?"
He stopped, the idea never having crossed his mind. In quiet thought he looked at Killashandra and then at his injured arm. Regret crashed where anger had once been. He shook his head to clear it of his own stupidity before turning to look at Duo and nodding his head.
Wasting no time, Duo lifted Killashandra into his arms and carried her towards the door, Heero with Shingam close behind him.
Not prepared to leave the children with Duo and Heero just yet, Quatre made to follow them, only to have Trowa call his name. How could he explain his reasoning to Trowa? The rage he felt at not being able to protect his family? Instead he turned to Trowa and said, "I'm going with them. Are you coming?"
He saw the defeat enter Trowa's eyes and body before the young man nodded his head.
In the hallway, Quatre walked behind Heero, with Trowa and Corinne a descrete distance behind him. He'd never felt so guilty in his entire life. Of course Trowa was worried about him; it hadn't even been a full month since he'd been freed from his past; how could he expect Trowa to blindly trust that he could take care of himself? He had to make Trowa understand his reasoning--had to make him understand that he'd only been trying to protect the children. That it had nothing to do with him not trusting Trowa or even slipping back into his old pattern of protecting everyone except himself. The children were important--important to him! He had to make Trowa understand that he couldn't just abandon them.
Taking a deep breath, he halted in his tracks and waited for Trowa to catch up with him; Corinne and the other two women continued on. Then they fell in line together, neither saying anything for a long awkward moment before Quatre broke the silence.
"I really was going to tell you, Trowa."
"You should have told me from the beginning. I'm inclined to think Shingam may have been right."
Suddenly, Quatre realized his error. It was too soon after such a major change in their lives, and now that he thought on it, it had been about the same length of time that his first "relapse" had occurred. Trowa was scared he was about to fall apart again.
Stopping, he grabbed onto Trowa's arm and turned him to face him. There in Trowa's eyes, Quatre saw the truth of his thoughts, and the word regret seemed like too insignificant a word to describe his feelings.
He pulled Trowa to him, wrapping his good arm around his beloved's neck. Holding him impossibly close he spoke softly and clearly, hoping to get his point across and dispel Trowa's fears.
"I am not falling apart, Trowa. I trust you more than the world, and you have to believe me when I say I was going to tell you. I know you worry about me all the time, afraid I'll slip again. But I'm not going to, Trowa. I know who my family is; I know whom I have to protect and who has to protect me. But these children are important to me. In ways I can't even describe to you. I don't even understand it myself sometimes. They've become a part of my family, and I will do anything to protect them, just as I'd do anything to protect you. But unlike you and I, they're only children, and they can't protect themselves or anyone else. They need me, Trowa. They need both of us. Please try to understand. It's as if they're my own children, and maybe the fact that I may never have my own makes me want to think that way, but it doesn't matter. I do. I have to protect them. But it's my trust in you-that you'll help me later when they're safe-that keeps me able to protect them. I knew you'd be angry with me for not telling you sooner, but I thought you'd understand why I had to do it. Please tell me you understand?" He pulled away, wanting to look into Trowa's eyes, wanting to see the answer as it was given.
But Trowa's eyes were silent, giving away little of their owner's true feelings on the matter. With the link closed, Quatre had to rely on word alone. Trowa supplied.
"I understand that the children cannot protect themselves, and that they seem to look to you for that protection. And I also understand that you feel connected to them. I knew it was only a matter of time before you placed yourself into a parental role with them. But, Quatre, you cannot do this to yourself, and you cannot do it to me! You can't expect me to piece you back together after you destroy yourself helping these children. I'd do anything for you, you know that, but don't ask me to nurse you back to health because you were being too proud or stupid to seek help when you really needed it. I know being with the children is important to you; we could have given you a lower dose, something to at least dull the pain until we had you home. Please tell me you at least can see that."
Quatre nodded his head. "I considered that, Trowa, I did. But you have to admit, when you think I'm over stepping myself, you tend to get over protective. I was worried you'd say the dose was lower, only to give me the whole thing. It is something you've been known to do."
With reluctance Trowa agreed. "Perhaps, but under these circumstances, it's unlikely. I do see how important they are to you. But just as you said, they may be your responsibility, but you are mine; and I'll do whatever it takes to keep you safe."
"I know that, Trowa; and it's one of the reasons I'm so in love with you. No matter what stupid idea I come up with, you're always there to ground me again. But this isn't some flight of fancy. You and the children are the most important things in my life and I'll do whatever it takes to protect you--all three of you. Even if that means sacrificing my own health-"
"Then you must realize, too, that you are the most important thing to me, and I refuse to allow anymore harm to come to you!" Trowa's voice was angry again. "You can't take care of the children if you're hurt, you know that. Duo even pointed that out to you. Can you not see that?" Desperation entered Trowa's voice, and Quatre cringed as he remembered hearing that same tone in their bathroom--Trowa desperately trying to reason with him through the glass of the shower.
"I do see and understand. Sometimes I try too hard to overstep my own abilities. I consider myself the weakest of all five of us, and it's hard for me not to try and prove myself, to myself. I'll try to take better care and keep you from having to worry about me. I know you must be tired of that-"
"I'm not tired of loving you, Quatre. Only exhausted by trying to make you realize that fact." And it was true. Quatre could see the exhaustion lines chasing across Trowa's lovely face. He wondered if they'd be there forever.
"I'm sorry, Trowa. I've asked more from you than any lover has a right to. It's obvious that our relationship tends to be one sided every now and again. I want that to end, though. We've worked so hard to become real partners together, and I don't want that to end because of something as stupid as an injured arm. I promise to let you know if I'm in pain or any other type of trouble if you promise to stop being so over protective." He said the last part with a smile on his face but knew in his heart neither one of them took it as a joke. In the middle of a hallway, halfway to their room, a very important decision was being made. One that would influence the rest of their lives.
Trowa shook his head back and forth. "You've changed, Quatre. You're not the same person as you were before." It was said in a whisper, as if Trowa was talking to himself, and Quatre was just overhearing. Then Trowa lifted his head and nodded once to him. "I'll try."
That was it, but Quatre felt a sudden chill that the matter was not completely resolved. That and Trowa's quietly spoken words haunted his mind. Pushing the doubt away, Quatre took Trowa's hand into his own and began to move towards their room. "I'm glad we talked. I think we needed to get that cleared away. I'll tell you what--once we get in, I'll take a small hit and tuck the children in; then I'll take the rest of the dose, and we'll go to bed and won't wake up until noon. Sound good?"
He watched Trowa nod silently before he keyed in the lock pass to their door and stepped inside.
Things were going to be ok; they had to be.