Author: Swythangel
Email: swythangel@hotmail.com
Title: Götterdamerüng (Twilight of the Gods)
Type: Series 6/?
Teaser: With their return to Weiß, Ken and Ran find old feelings resurfacing...
Rating: PG (just to be safe)
Spoilers: I don't know, let's just assume there is
Warnings: Strong Language, Shonen Ai leaning towards Yaoi
Keywords: Ken, Aya/Ran, Youji, Ran/AyaxKen, YoujixKen, angst, a lil fluff
Siberian-chan, gomen! I don't think this is particularly angsty…its just that m so busy with christmas thingies wails Ok, time to tune out the brattiness…
No doctor and funny german accent today just good old Ken and Ran and some thoughts…
As always I'd like to thank minna-san for commenting. You guys are all that's keeping me writing this and not sacrificing this to the Christmas craziness…comments craved for and needed, especially now…onegai!
Götterdamerüng
(Twilight of the Gods)
Part 6
[Ken]
I utter a sigh of contentment as I flop down on my bed. Soccer practice has been canceled because of the rain and Dr. K has an appointment with some hospital doctor. For once I don't have anything to do in the morning and I decide to just lounge in my bed, something I never get to do lately.
Its been a week since we talked to the doc. A week of ferreting info on Zeiger Laboratories to make the mission a success. Hell week.
In the mornings I go to soccer practice and then to Dr.K for the tests. Those hurt a lot although I don't ever let Dr. K notice it. After all, the antidote is what's important.
Afternoons are still spent with the kids coaching soccer. The highlight of the day to my way of thinking. At night I go down to Koneko and help Omi on the Net. Zeiger is a bitch to hack into and we need every bit of intellect to help crack it. Ran and Youji assigned themselves to monitoring Zeiger Laboratories which was fine with me. I'd rather not be anywhere near Ran after what he did in the doc's clinic.
A flash of remembered pain goes through me. I just smiled, for god's sake. A smile for the joke he cracked. Did he have to slam that ice wall down on me? The darkness threatened to engulf me again that day and only by sheer force of will was I able to push it back.
Why, Ran? Why can't you care for me even a little? I am not asking you to love me…I know you never have and never can. But a simple smile can't cost that much, can it?
A simple smile would have let me forget what you did two years ago.
A smile? Atone for everything? Goddamn it, how can I still love Ran after all that he's done?
Tears threaten to spill out now at the remembered thought, I can feel them burning my eyes.
Stop it, Ken! Don't wallow in self-pity, you still have something to do. The mission…
That's right, the mission from hell. In a way this mission has been good for me. I almost never sleep now, only catching a nap after around 2 in the morning and then waking up at 5 for practice all over again. No time to think, just move. It helps me forget about the emotions that are resurfacing now that I am near Ran again.
I know I'm punishing my body and if the doc ever finds out, he'd strap me down on a bed and force me to rest. And he doesn't even know about the gazillions of vitamins I am taking. Some days the dizziness and the headaches come so close together I can barely get myself out of bed. The vitamins help me get some energy to at least seem like a normal person. And no, I don't think the doctor should know about the vitamins. He'd just freak out and not let me out of the clinic at all. And what help would I be to the sick children then?
As it is, Youji has been henpecking me in lieu of the doctor.
Youji scares me. He was never like this before, now he's even worse than Aya-chan who nags us to get some rest too. At least Aya-chan gives up at around midnight, Youji didn't. After his reconnaissance with Ran, he'd lean by the door, smoking, and just look at Omi and me. At around 1:45, he'd start telling us to pack up. If I didn't, he'd drag me out of Koneko and go with me to my flat just to make sure I went home.
Hey I can't help it. Every day the victims of Trojan increases. This time, children *AND* adults. Tokyo is on the alert now and we're expecting Cassandra to come out anytime now. If we don't finish this mission soon, the fucking crime ring will win.
My temper, or what's left of it, is so frayed that I feel like I'm about to snap if we don't go after Zeiger soon. So, Youji who-thinks-he's-my-mother Kudou better stop the hen-pecking or else he's going to get the brunt of my temper.
Yes, I know I look paler everyday but Youji isn't my keeper. And its not as if I'm ungrateful. I do appreciate his concern, its an endearing facet in Youji's personality that I never saw before. But still, I hate being coddled.
Aa, Kenken. But if it was Ran who fussed over you, it would be a different story, ne, Kenken?
Damn, shut up. I don't need you on top of everything that's happened.
But its true, Kenken…
Of course its true. I'm no longer going to lie to myself. No matter how I look at it, I still love him. I love him so much my heart aches and I forget to breathe whenever he enters the room. And its not because of my condition either.
When he and Youji go out to reconnoiter, I worry until my head threatens to split with pain.
Let's not forget your reaction at the black eye he sported the first time he and Youji went to Zeiger.
There's that too. I wondered how he got that but didn't ask, I knew I'd only get the patented Fujimiya death glare if I did. And it hurt to know that.
Goddamn it! I don't want to love him anymore! He betrayed me…he doesn't love me, never loved me….
Get out of my fucking mind, Ran Fujimiya!
[Ran]
I am looking at the black eye that son of a bitch Youji gave me the first time we spied over Zeiger. The blackness has faded to a purple ring and it doesn't look as bad as it did then. I remember what prompted it. We had just arrived at Koneko after the grueling reconnoiter mission…
"What the hell do you think you're doing Kudou?" Suspicion made my voice sharper than it normally was. Youji's hand which was about to turn the doorknob stayed where it was as he turned to me with a wry grin and an arched brow.
"What does it look like, Chief Shinigami? I'm opening the backdoor to let us in."
His tone bordered on challenge and sarcasm, a tone that has frequently appeared since yesterday…since the time he told me to shove my dislike of him accompanying Ken up my ass.
That time I let it pass, it was after all, my mistake. It hadn't been my decision to make whether Ken went alone or not. But this I couldn't let pass. This didn't involve Ken, this involved the mission…more or less. Less actually but who noticed?
"This isn't your apartment Youji."
Youji's brow arched in mock surprise, amusement dancing in his eyes. "Heavens, so it isn't."
Then, as if he hadn't heard a word I said, he turned the knob and made a move to go in. I was quick enough to block him.
"Go home, Youji. You'll need rest. Tomorrow we go back into Zeiger."
Youji's eyes turn deadly serious,all amusement gone from his face. "I know that Ran. But I'd like to check up on Omi and Ken first before I go. Now will you please get the fuck out of the way…"
He tried to push me aside but I didn't budge. He might have said Omi and Ken but I knew he really wanted to see Ken. And I wasn't having any of it. Not on my own property. Not on my Ken.
My thoughts must have shown in my eyes because his own flared in response.
"So that's it, eh, Ran? You *don't* want me to get close to Ken."
It wasn't a question. It was a statement of fact. But that didn't stop me from answering back as a blush made its way to my face. How did he know what I had been thinking?
"Iie. You misunderstand me, Kudou." I told him. "You need to rest and the two of them can take care of themselves."
Which was true, Ken and Omi could take care of themselves. But my underlying reason for not wanting Youji inside was as clear to me as the sun in a cloudless blue sky. I didn't want him near Ken.
Youji's laugh caught me by surprise. It was sharp and mocking. "You are the absolute limit Ran. You can't admit it even to yourself, can you?"
My answer was evasive. Somehow, I had the feeling that Youji could see right through me and that made me uncomfortable and rude. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about."
"The fucking hell you don't, Chief Shinigami!" His tone has become violent and I could see the angry gleam that entered his eyes as he threw down his cigarette. I couldn't help but step back.
"You still love Ken but you don't want to admit it. You know how much I wanted Ken before but I gave way to you. Now that he's free again, you're afraid I'm going to move in. And you don't want that to happen do you, Ran? Of course not. Chief Shinigami doesn't want anybody else to have Kenken."
I didn't know what got into Youji but somehow I couldn't speak as he went on. He was telling me the words my inner voice always told me …the truth.
"I will only say this once, you son of a bitch, so you'd better listen." Youji loomed over me, a dangerous glint in his eyes. "I don't know what happened between you and Ken two years ago but I *do* know that *you* screwed up. That's why *you* need to clear this up. If you can't find the balls to tell Ken you're sorry, then you don't have the fucking right to bar me from anything. So what is it going to be, Ran?"
You're fucking wrong, Youji. I didn't screw up. Ken left me, I didn't do anything at all. So why do I have to be the one to clear this up?
I wanted to tell Youji that. But I didn't say anything. I couldn't. Not without baring my soul and that would hurt too much, would leave me vulnerable. I did it once before and look what happened.
What's it going to be Ran? My head reeled…I wanted to scream at Youji for dragging me back into the past. The darkness was creeping up on me, I could see it on my peripheral, waiting, waiting for me to buckle.
In the end, I couldn't answer Youji because I didn't know what to say without bringing back the darkness. I lowered my eyes from his challenging ones instead.
Bam!
I went sprawling on the dark alleyway, surprised as Youji's punch knocked me off of my feet. I looked up to see Youji with a disappointed look in his eyes.
"You disappoint me, Ran. I expected better from you…I never really thought you'd be a stone cold fucking bastard."
And with that Youji walked into Koneko…
I stayed that way in the alley for quite a while, wrestling with my conscience and my damn inner voice. Youji's words still resounded in my mind even now and it always brings back the hurt and the pain of a time I had thought long buried in the past.
Stone cold fucking bastard…I knew Youji had been angry and meant to hurt me. He probably didn't even realize what he said. But it still hurt.
It doesn't seem fair to be so judged just because on the outside I *look* like a stone cold bastard. I'm human, for heaven's sake. I hurt and bleed. I cry too. Just like I cried when I realized Ken wouldn't be coming back to me at all. Only I didn't let Youji or Omi see it. That would have been the ultimate humilation.
The worst of it was that I hadn't known what I had done wrong, assuming I did do anything wrong that is. If I knew what I did wrong, I would've been ready to apologize, however hard it would've been for me to unbend. Ken was worth so much more than my pride.
Argh! What am I saying? Fuck Youji! And Ken too! They have no right to make me feel so guilty. Right now I have to focus on the mission…yes, that's right the mission.
I turn one last look at my black eye and go back to the list of things I wrote down yesterday…Tonight would be the night we go into Zeiger. I've already called Omi and left a message on the sleeping bastard's answering machine…that left..damn! Maybe I can ask Omi to call Ken…
Aa, turning coward again, Ran?
Dammit! I am not turning coward. I just want to steer clear of a potentially dangerous situation.
Yeah right.
A snort. My inner voice actually snorts. I blink a few times. That's right Fujimiya. Now you know you're going insane. Whoever heard of an inner voice that snorts?
Don't change the issue Ran and stop beating around the bush. Now if you really can't call Ken then don't. After all, everyone's entitled to be a coward once in a while.
I am seeing red. I'm not changing the issue you assholic inner voice. And I am not a coward!
My perverseness kicks in. I know that I'm talking to myself and that by trying to circumvent my inner voice I am just, well, tweaking my own nose, but I can't help it. Ken's trademark impulsiveness overtakes me and I pick up the phone and dial Ken's number.